CRACKED #192: We're Gonna Need a Bigger Pizza

by Pierre L.
January 1983

Great cover...Sylvester! Surely delivering one pizza to another planet can't be cost-efficient but then I've never run my own business...so what do I know? Fun opening...the Hart to Hart thing doesn't do much for me but it is the first issue dated 1983. That's cool.

POSTER: Be Alert...Can you guess the rest of the gag? Odd. Yellow lettering on a black background.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: No proof reader listed. Double odd.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - December 14th A joke from a reader: "What's Irish and sits out in the rain? Pati O'Furniture" Everyone is CRACKED and it feels nice.

HEART TO HEART: Interesting bit. It's certainly got a lot of verve and movement throughout. But, I've never seen this show and I know next to nothing about it...and that was my problem. I spent the whole article, literally, trying to figure out what kind of show it is. Are they detectives? Are they a couple who just get in a lot of trouble? Is the show supposed to be witty? Is it drama? Is it action? If I knew the show, I think I'd love the article. But, as it stands, I can't figure the darn thing out.

Chalk it up to...The Ignorance of Pierre L.

SOLUTIONS TO EVERYDAY FRUSTRATIONS: This bit seemed like it was going to be one of those "This thing on this side - this other thing on that side" sort of articles. And, it is. But it's more elaborate, although, not necessarily funnier. I'll give an example...

LEFT SIDE: You play a new video game only to find that your final score is two.
A guy looks very confused because he only got 2 on Snail Squasher.
A woman says "Two? You get 2 points for depositing the quarter. Boy, Barry, are you lousy. Larry is much better at this than you."
RIGHT SIDE: To prevent this from happening again, you should buy all the "How To Win" video books and practice every second you have.
The guy now has 6,000,000 points.
WOMAN: 6 million! Wow! What do you say we go to "Mike's Gouda Cheese Pavilion" and celebrate.
MAN: Sure, only, I can't buy you anything. I spent every cent I had practicing to become good at this.

They're not bad but they seem like a lot of effort. I don't know why. Is Pierre L. Lazy today?

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: 3 pages. Some of them quite funny. Osgood Asnew and his washing machines will make you laugh at loud.

HOW POPULAR ARE YOU?: Each section has three choices to see how large your Popular Score is going to be. Again, this is a rather over-elaborate bit for CRACKED. A lot of stuff to gander at here. "When it comes to choosing up sides for a team, how long does it take before you are picked?"
A - Not too long
B - A little long
C - A very long time
And, there is gaggery that goes with each.
At the end, there is a section for tallying your score. Some people are more popular than others. This isn't a bad bit. It's got some good laughs...it just seems too complicated. What happened to "You Know You're Fat When..." Of course, I never liked those bits.

SAGEBRUSH: Not one of his better adventures.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FAR WHEN: Video Game Edition! Yeah, this is great. "You own every towel, notebook, pillowcase and piece of clothing that Pac Man's face is on." I used to be that guy! I owned the "Pac Man Theatre" or something like that. There was a small TV-like plastic thing. You got 4 "adventures" to play. Each was a series of comic panels on paper wound around two spools like a ink ribbon for a calculator. You would spool the "adventure" in front of the TV screen. Slowly, you would go through a Pac Man adventure and then rewind it and watch it again. Loved it! Remember his TV show. And when he saved Christmas! Hell yeah!! sigh...This article is only two pages but it's great.

I will review the CRACKED Video Game special sometime soon.

TRUE FACTS THEY NEVER TAUGHT YOU IN SCHOOL: "You know food is really ethnic when it gives you heartburn-before you finish eating!" "Despite our name, CRACKED readers are the sanest folks around!" "Any music that you don't enjoy-sounds all alike!" (They still hate rock 'n' roll!) Now, this is more like it. The headers and the straightforward pictures. Why are there so many of these in this issue, though? Are they teaching us some sort of lesson? If they are, I need a CRACKED teacher sent to my house to tell me what that might be. It looks like they're just fat-cracking around to me.

A CRACKED LOOK AT AN AUTO REPAIR GARAGE: Oh, the joy! One of these. It's chaotic and it's crazy and those old, old jokes are killing me!

However, in the lower right hand corner, something odd is happening. There is a "Stock Room" right in the corner with cattle in it. A rooster is on top yelling "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo to you, too!" at the cattle. And, to the left of the "Stock Room" is a joke...that doesn't seem finished.

A guy says to another guy: "Frank what are you doing later? Marge and I would like to have you for dinner tonight." And Frank is saying nothing...Did I miss the joke?

Why the Stock Room and what is that joke? Surrealism in a CRACKED LOOKS AT... bit. Naw, probably an error or I'm missing something.

....THE CRACKED LENS...PART XVII: Sorry. I wasn't up for the full type-out this time around. There is a still from "Abby" in this. Wow.

RETALIATIONS TO DATING CLICHES: "When are we going to get married?" "Probably when we find the right person."// "I'm very choosey about who I go out with." "Obviously I'm not." 2 pages of that. Is this the "Annual All-Filler" Issue of CRACKED? This whole issue feels strange but it's the same group of Dunderheads making it. Hmmm...

MOD FAIRY TALES: Fun illustrations for a new "The Princess and The Frog". Worth a look and a smile.

ROCKY'S SCRAPBOOK:...and boy did I have scraps! (Rocky says that. Not me....Pierre. L) 4 pages of goofing. Rocky fighting as a baby. Dean Martin shows up. Burgess Meredith is there. Clobber Bang bits him up. Rocky has been with us for quite some time. Remember when he first showed up? Didn't he beat up The Fonz on a cover? Hmmm...Next!

ARE YOU P.M. MAGAZINE MATERIAL?: I'm not 100% sure what a P.M. Magazine show is. But, does it involve Dick Cavett? A one page bit. I don't quite get it. I'm going to move on.

IT'S A SURE BET THAT...:Seriously? More of these bits? No "Guides" in this issue? Where are the parodies? Hey! A guy has a Pac Man coat! "Sometime in the next 5 weeks you'll have 341 good laughs." A kid is seen reading CRACKED. Wow...CRACKED believed there were 341 laughs in each issue of their magazine? I'll go through and count them up soon.

E.T.'S REPORT MY EXPERIENCE ON EARTH: This is a lot like when C3P0 & R2-D2 came to Earth some time ago. E.T. is amazed that no one flies here...except for witches, kids with lots of balloons and really tall basketball players. No green creatures on TV except for The Hulk and Kermit The Frog. E.T. gazes at the stars through a telescope. Some guys gaze at the YWCA through their telescopes. E.T.'s conclusion: "I departed the planet just in time. Earthlings were in the process of stockpiling more and more nuclear weapons. Their reasoning was that creating more weapons would insure them not being used...I find it noteworthy that this same type of specious logic was also once advanced on the 753 other extinct planets of our galaxy."

All right, who's writing this issue?

THINGS WE'VE OFTEN WONDERED ABOUT: What is Prince Charles and Lady Diana's last name? Why does lint accumulate in your belly button? Why can't women learn how to put make-up on in moderation? All like that...What a weird issue.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Polka dotted boxer shorts
2 - Volcano!
3 - Scarface!

Total: Where the heck is Nanny and the closing parody?

BACK COVER: Great Moments in the Art of Love. 350,000 BC All about Ug the Gentle. Remember him?

The oddest issue I've read in some time. No "Big" articles. And, the regular stuff is missing...Weird. I mostly enjoyed it but found the whole thing a bit...I wonder if the next issue is like this.

CRACKED is changing. Shall we go with it?

Next issue: All right! The Knight is here!

CRACKED #191 They really are predicting the future

November 1982
by Pierre L.

I enjoy that cover. I don't love it. I like it. It brings a smile to my face and I carry on. There's really not much to it, apart from the joke. The background does look lovely. Magnum P.I. and the motion picture Annie...Two parts of my childhood I kept trying to ignore. Let's see how this goes.

POSTER: Scratch 'n' Sniff Poster...A good gag. But, the poster is only one page...Might there be an iron-on? You bet your fat one, Mamma!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. Cee is still the pruf r-d-r. Boy, they sure can't spell that right, can they? Sylvester with the Annie wig makes it look like he's got a big afro on...It's fun...

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: No sign of the "Next Issue" box. What the hell? The "EVA" contest winners are in...

Ricky Jones (the Hulk's pal?) from Baytown, TX
Rankin McDaniel (a name I might make up?) from Vista, CA
Clint Davidson (a fey Old West gunfighter?) from Sumner, WA

They all won Atari 2600s. That is cool. We had to buy ours.

MAGNUMB Public Idiot: My mother-in-law loved Magnum. I always had that hour long American drama problem. I've gone into this before but...Sitcoms are all about the jokes...they can structure themselves however they want as long as they get the jokes in there. At this time period, hour long dramas (with the exception of the Soaps) was all about the drama. And, most drama, is structured in the same way...and so the average drama episode is more like every other average drama episode than the sitcoms are...The sameness of the plotting and the structure used to bore me silly...it sort of still does...

Anyway...Magnum...Running around, goofy gags...Hawaiian shirts...This bit's an OK start to the issue. But, I never paid that much attention to the show so I don't know all the cliches...But, if I were a Magnum fan, I'm sure I would love this. I just emailed a copy to my mother-in-law. She'll respond when she can.

EXCLUSIVE OFFER!!: It's a very funny ad for "The Sylvester P. Smythe Treasury of Every Joke Ever Made!!" Love this page! I wish I could put this one up... You get all the riddles, puns, poems and limericks...

There was a young lady in Rome,
Who was asked how her mom
felt back home.
"I've been gone from the Igloo
The Whole summer and fall too,
But Alaska when I get to Nome"

The best.

I do also like "Admittedly there have been a few clinkers (especially during April of 1651)..."

IF T.V. WARNINGS APPEARED IN EVERYDAY LIFE: Pretty amusing...The Klags Arbor Day Album "The following album contains boring melodies as well as trite lyrics all performed by musicians incapable of playing more than two correct notes per song." I wonder if CRACKED still hated those rock 'n' rollers even at this point? I wouldn't put it past them. On Magazines "Danger! The contents of this magazine has the ability to either A) render its reader helpless with laughter or B) turns its purchaser into a seething hulk after discovering what he's paid for." Guess which magazine?

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XVI: Fun, as always. Oddly leggy.

A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.:Two pages...a completely enjoyable bit of article.

UPS
Now...OOPS - Obviously Obsolete Parcel Service - they nailed that one

CIA
CIRCUS - Central Intelligence Responsible for Covert and Undercover Schemes

ATT
URAT - Unfair Rates on American Telephones

It goes on like that.

MPG
MYPIG - Mileage You're Promised in the Garage

The drawings are nice and chaotic. I enjoyed this.

FUTURE ALL-STAR TV SPECIALS: "The Network Bake-Off The Stars" Cindy Williams vs. Mike Wallace! "The All Star-Medical Special" (right after "Bambi Gets Lucky") has Burt Reynolds and Loretta Swit performing surgery of sorts. "Political Debate of the stars" does feature Gary Coleman and The Duke Boys. "Celebrity Courtroom" has the Bee Gees in it! "And we ask you not to convict our client but allow her a few more years of Staying Alive Staying Alive!" Oh yeah...This article is madness. Crazy art, lots of nutty dialog...and Linda Lavin.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE FEATURING JEFF KEANE: This issue has been rather nutty. There's a chaos in it that doesn't show up in a lot of these issues. Normally, I love these one-panel cartoons but...they're too sparse for the zaniness of this issue. On their own, they're great.

ACNNIE: Well, they can't all be great...The two bookend parodies are the weakest part of this issue. I remember watching this over and over on HBO but never really liking it...Why the hell did I watch it? Acnnie starts off saying..."Do you know me? I'm not Karl Malden or any of the other unknown stars they use on those American Express commercials." Would adults who understood what she was talking about be reading this? It's a great act of faith on their part...And, possibly a greater act is the fact that this is 8 pages long! Is that the longest article/ parody/ bit in ages? 7, sure. But, 8? Why 8? I don't think it deserves 8...it goes on and on and there are some good moments, mainly involving Daddy Warbuck's head...but, there are also a lot of rotten puns and it does go on...Bring back the interstitial articles!

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: Well, the chaos is gone. They really are loving this bit lately. "Retardo Montalbaun stood at a railroad crossing waiting for the 8:02 for nearly 2 weeks before passerby finally told him the train had been out-of-service for years. BELIEVE IT OR NOT." And, there is a still...I wonder whose job it was to pick through all the stills for hours on end for these bits?

THE CRACKED SOCCER QUESTION AND ANSWER BOOKLET: This was around the time when I played soccer...This booklet taught me many things. It starts with "...what immediately comes to mind when we say 'soccer'?" And, yes, there is a drawing of a large man punching a woman hard on the chin...Classy Town! It is a rather fun booklet. Lot of questions with goofy answers and wacky illustrations.

Ask your first question
Q: Gee is it really my turn to speak?
A: Sure is.

Q: I've never been in a magazine before. Feels Strange. H Ma! Hi Uncle Irving! Hi...
A: Could we dispense with the hellos and move on to the business at hand?

Q: Sure. Sorry. Ah, what's this sports article on again?

Actually, these bits are pretty amusing. Wow! Having Fun With CRACKED!

WHEN ALL BUSINESSES GO AUTOMATED: The ATM had just appeared and now:

Automated Barber
Your Instant Santa
Automated Head Shrinker
Welcome to the Day & Night Tax Collector
Automated Painless Dentist
24-Hour Automated Guard
Day & Nite Super Market

I love the technology based bits. The joy of an "Automated Teller"! and all these great follow-up ideas. These are as wonderful as CB bits or Pet Rock articles. Seeing Pop Culture and Our Culture in these parody gags in a cheap humor magazine is so much more fun than reading up on the history. I didn't use an ATM in 1982 but I'm filled with deep nostalgia for these automated things we almost had. Thank you, CRACKED.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE USELESS PRODUCT KING: Sole Grippers turn slippery soles into no-slip grippers. A Fuzz-Eater removes lint and dirt from any garment in seconds. Personalized Dog Stationary! I get the feeling that as useless as the products here might be...we've topped them many times over. These items come from "General Arnold's Rubber Band And Gadget Emporium"...Are you up on your acronyms?... Nanny rips her stockings. The New Silk Weave Stockings are applied. Silk worms spin new ones...and we see the top of Nanny's thigh-high stockings...The All-New Late-Night CRACKED. CRACKED don't work blue! This is a goofy article...and I liked it.

SHUT-UPS: Only 2
1 - Electric Chair
2 - Dummy
3 - Iron-On instructions

IRON ON: This is the best...

The iron-on reads:

I SAW
Rocky I
Rocky II
Rocky III
Rocky IV
Rocky V
Rocky VI

The first three are checked off...and it wasn't until 2006 that this joke was completed. Wow! This is one of the coolest CRACKED jokes ever....

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: Let's be honest...after the iron-on, this is bound to be a letdown...but, the man who builds the 1st house but forgets to invent a door is amusing.

Great issue. The parodies let it down but they do that a lot, in certain eras. This one is chaotic, funny, stupid, intelligent and psychic...What more can CRACKED do for you today?

Next issue: I bet you were wondering when this little "guy" would show up.

CRACKED #190: Is this gag prescient or what?

October 1982
by Pierre L.

Did we know, at this point, that the show was about to enter its final (11th) season? Hmmm...If not, CRACKED predicts our future! The cover is one of my favorites. The curtain coming down and the fact that the background Severin has drawn is a background. The backdrop of the MASH sets. It's great stuff.

POSTER: Yellow background? Check. A classic bit of gaggery. Check. Pretty good one. $5 to everyone whose name begins with "A" through "Y". But...there are no forms left!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Oh...I take back everything I said. "Looks like the curtain's coming down on MASH." I guess they did know. I think. Pru F-d-r? Luke N. Cee. He's back!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next Issue - August 10th. I had just turned nine when this issue came out. I am now the perfect age group for CRACKED!

THE DAY M*A*S*H*E*D ALMOST ENDED: What happened to M*U*S*H? Peace is declared! And, everyone tries to think of where they might go next..."D.J. and The Eye" - A medical examiner show. Marguerite Hooligan as Frontier Nurse! Eagleye and pals try to keep the fact that the war is over from everyone but...in the end...they fail. "Benji Loves Eagleye" is being set-up. But, even more "in the end", the network keeps the war going indefinitely! Hooray!...at least for a little while.

Can you believe MASH is ending?

IF AUTHORS REALLY MEANT WHAT THEY SAID!: Well...this is like those "Misread Headlines" bit. They are repeating their concepts a lot lately. "Walking down the street, he was struck by a thought." A man is being taken away by an ambulance. "Coulda been worse? He coulda been run over by a concept!" Funny but oh so familiar.

KIDS VS. ADULTS: 4 pages! Filler Town! "If you don't vote, it's apathy. If they don't vote, it's because "there's no real choice". "If your friends get in trouble, they're degenerates. If their friends get in trouble, it's an honest mistake." "When you want to do something different and exciting, it's risky. When they want to do something different and exciting, it's an adventure." Just like that...

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (AND WE REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME, FOR SURE!) PART XV: The saboteurs are shown parachuting into one of the frames. Two pages, several laughs. They never let you down with these.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO WINDSURFING: Wow! We haven't had one of these in ages. It's four pages of Windsurfing excitement narrated by a man named "Biff" whose head floats over each panel. It's wackiness it's Biff saying you must care for your board and we see a man giving flowers to his board. There's a gal with big boobs. Big waves. Falling down and all kinds of gaggage. It's an all right bit...I don't think these are filler because they're too elaborate. What are they then?

NEW USES FOR TELEVISION: Laser disks and video recorders! Magazine appear on your TV. Works of art. Change the view from your apartment. Place TV screens everywhere and go on a vacation in your home. Big screens and small screens. And, it's a pretty good bit and suddenly it's over...two pages was too short here.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A POLICE SQUAD: This issue hit the stands on July 6th 1982. Police Squad! (the Zuckers very funny but short-lived show) was canceled on July 8th. Boy, I wonder if they knew that that would happen. But, let's be honest...these bits can have a cool very crowded feel to them but the jokes are usually pretty rotten. No difference here...One example: "See the poor posture on that officer over there?" "He's obviously a crooked cop." Police Squad! was a fun show. I wish there were more than 6 episodes but 6 episodes (and the three movies) were perfect.

Oh...just read a little more. Apparently, four episodes were aired in March. The Network yanked it and the last two aired on July 2nd and July 8th. CRACKED! You're good.

THE CRACKED STEP-BY-STEP FOR GROWING YOUR OWN GARDEN: Feels too much like the Windsurfing bit to me. Six in-depth comedy-packed steps help you grow a "bumper crop". (Do you get that one?)
Step 1 - When to start the garden
Step 2 - How big a garden to have and where to place it
Step 3 - Preparing the soil
Step 4 - What to plant
Step 5 - Once your seeds are in
Step 6 - Harvesting and Enjoying
The bit has a few smiling moments but it's nothing that great.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: More stills with captions and some word balloons. Although, I don't know some of these don't quite make sense...I don't want to post them because they'll make less sense in my description but a few of these gag...I don't quite get. Is my mind turning to a jelly? And, if so, what flavor?

1982 CATALOG FOR COSTUMED HEROES: Pretty entertaining three page bit. Super Rubic Cube! Caped Crusader Landing Wheel! "I Accept" credit card patches fit right onto your cape. Good stuff...It's funny, though. The art makes me think this is an old bit with "1982" freshly written in and a new gag about the Rubix Cube added. Hmmm...

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE FEATURING JEFF KEATE: Two pages of pretty funny one-panel gags. I like when CRACKED goes into areas like this. Things they don't normally do. Fun.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING SAGEBRUSH: It's an OK Sagebrush. Better than the last one.

HOW HOT IS IT?: Not hot enough that three pages of these gags are needed. "Fish in New Mexico have taken to begging." is pretty funny...actually, re-reading this...this is the funniest of all of these bits. There's actually some creativity here. Well done. Hamlet! "Erik Estrada as Hamlet Gary Coleman as the King!" Th theater is air conditioned, after all. Pretty good bit...I take back my opening sentences.

YE HANG UPS: One page, four gags, a few laughs.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SPECIAL EFFECTS KING: Douglas Thimbal talks about the effects for "Escape From The Clone Zone", which involves giant attack noses. The Special Effects King looks a lot like that evil doctor from Captain Marvel/ Shazam! What the heck was his name. Dr. Silvana? or something...Why am I having trouble finding this info? I'm using The Internet. It's a funny bit. Five pages of goofball explanations for special effects. It's worth a read.

SHUT-UPS:

1 - Shut-up!
2 - Shut-up!
3 - A Fat Guy in a CRACKED T-shirt!

Love it!

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: The first vending machine, invented by a cannibal tribe. Pretty funny.

It's a very solid issue of CRACKED. Some highs, some lows. But, looking at it from my 9-year-old perspective, I would have read this and then re-read it all day long. Good one, CRACKED!

Next issue: Buff and awesome!

CRACKED #189: One Final Appearance...

September 1982
by Pierre L.

The whole layout of Happy Days had changed since the last time we saw it. When was that? I think when the UFO showed up back in...look it up (September 1978). It was some time ago. And now, the show was at the end of its 9th Season. Richie was long gone. So was Ralph Malph. Potsie had nothing to do. Joanie & Chachi were about to be spun off. The Fonz had been neutered in the same way Mr. T would be in a few years.

But, they were still the Happy Days Family. The show was still in the top 20. People still loved it. It was a pleasant place to go. Now, I want to watch all the episodes.

On the cover, with a full background, Chachi and the Fonz share the space. Who would have thought that Joanie would have been so popular to the show? Strange...I did used to watch the show a lot at this time. I would watch it on its Primetime weekly airing and then in syndication all week.

Oh...great cover...let's hop in.

POSTER: On a white background! It's a 3-D poster....but, it's sort of not really. Think 3-D...think CRACKED...think their brand of humor...you'll get it.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Aaron E. Oss, pruf r-d-r. I see an old lady, a mean guy, Ronny R., The Talking Blob, a howling cat and Uncle Sam.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 6th. Right after the 4th! A great bunch of days!

HAPPIER DAYS: I love the layout on this. The first two pages is a series of 10 panels along the border...Funzie, Borey Beth, Itchie Jr., Moronion Cunninghamandeggs, Coward C., Ruger (the C's nephew), Giddy Piccallilli, Boney, Cha Cha and Arnuld. To be honest, I have no idea who half those people are but when a show goes so long and it's an ensemble and large chunks keep leaving...that'll happen. I suppose someone who missed Doctor Who for a few years would be extremely confused upon returning.

The Fonz doesn't do much here. The parody is all about the people who aren't around any more. And, the fact that some characters have faded into the background. And, the fact that some characters have been doing the same joke for years. And, the fact that some new characters didn't quite work. And, the fact that every episode is now focused around Joanie & Chachi. And, the show is very different.

But, we still loved it. it was still great fun.

It's funny The Fonz was in the background of the first Happy Days parody. He's in the background here. What a strong force he was in the world of CRACKED.

The Fonz, Mork, Gary Coleman, Star Wars.

Were those the four elements that made the magazine such a winner in the second half of the 70's? Well, they're all pretty much gone now. And, this is very cool, we've been with them the whole time.

A great parody to open the issue. Can the rest of the magazine live up to it?

Of course not...But, let's have a look anyway.

THE TRANSLATOR & THE DUEL: An amusing one panel bit in silhouette. It's an old joke but it's better than a "You Know You're Whatever When You Whatever" bit.

HOW THE GOVERNMENT CAN REALLY SAVE MONEY: Fun. DEFENSE "By recruiting only short servicemen the government can save money in materials. A midget army can get by on: Smaller Uniforms, Smaller Barracks, Smaller Food Rations, Smaller Disability payments." "I want you, Shorty! for the U.S. Mini-Army!" Bits on Social Security, School Aid, Medicaid, Welfare, etc. Not bad.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF TEENAGE DATING: Oh no. This could go horribly wrong. Four pages about the foibles of Foible World, U.S.A. I don't know. We went from a very specific thing in the Happy Days world to this generic stuff...It's OK. But, there is one strip that cheeses me...

A couple sits in a movie theater. They are waiting to see Dracula's Psychiatrist. The young man is very considerate.

"Is your seat comfortable?"
"Very."
"Is anybody's head in your way?"
"Nope."
"Is the person next to you talking so he'll interfere with your enjoyment of the movie?"
"Nope. The seat's empty."
"And there's no sticky candy on the floor or drafts from the air conditioning?"
"Everything's just perfect."

Then, he asks if they can change seats because there's a huge guy in front of him. That's the gag...But, it makes no sense...See Question 3 and the answer above.

Sloppy.

CRACKED SPELL OUTS: Based on the "How Do You Spell RELIEF?" commercial. How do you spell MEDICINE? C-A-S-H. How do you spell TELEVISION? O-P-I-A-T-E. How do you spell EL SALVADOR? V-I-E-T-N-A-M?!! How do you spell Loni Anderson? D-Y-N-A-M-I-T-E Four pages of this. It's OK. But, isn't it very MAD?

MORE PRESS MISTAKES: Funny bit. "Russians are noted for their vodka and their ability to smoke fish." Yep! A Russian is smoking a fish. "Dog for sale: House broken, will eat anything especially fond of children." Yep! A hungry dog surrounded by the bones of children is about to eat another one. Only two pages. Fun.

THE CRACKED MOVIE III: Not as much fun as II, oddly enough. It has a similar plot to the first one. The Talking Blob goes missing this time, instead of Nanny. He's got amnesia and is living on a farm in Topeka. There are a bunch of song parodies and it's in SURROUNDSOUND. It's fun to see everyone goofing around but, it's odd, I don't like it as much as the first two. How did that happen? I think there's a IV around here somewhere. I wonder if I'll like it more.

RELIEF IS: Three pages of this..."Drinking 3 gallons of lemonade at a restaurant, then going to the rest room and discovering..." A man dashes into a Men's room. But, an old lady can't get in the Woman's room...Out of Service! This goes on for three pages.

But, a guy does call a co-worker a "Nerd Ball!" That's worth something. And, a kid tries to flush a banana down the toilet.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: A "Foto Funnies" bit. Two pages. Long captions and a little gag in the black & white photo. They're fun. A lot of reading, though. I just had a glance at the front cover of the issue. I miss The Fonz. This bit's all right.

YE HANG UPS: Four one-panel gags. They're good for a smile.

THE SPOILED ROTTEN CATALOGUE: A Twig Throwing Machine. A Walkman Tape Player For Dogs. A Bark Amplifier for small dogs. Tabby's Perpetual Milk Fountain. A Chowhound Beeper Alarm. Some fun illustrations even if none of the items is really all that funny.

SAGE BRUSH: Fun art. Bad joke. Sorry.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF LOOKING GOOD: Seriously, another one of these? Four pages of gags about exercise and name-brand athletic equipment. A man puts a bag over his wife's head. I don't know. Flip it!

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Frankenstein
2 - Mrs. Lavinia Stein
3 - Beer Stein

STEIN!

GREAT MOMENTS IN TRANSPORTATION: Oh look! A slave being abused! What's with these back covers?

Starts of strong and proud...saying goodbye to Happy Days and The Fonz...then it trails off. But, really, why wouldn't it?

Next issue: Wow! They're back!

CRACKED #188: This is what you do...

August 1982
by Pierre L.

You have a contest! Big Prizes always sell magazines. Don't they?

Well, this is a kick ass "Sevarin"[sic] cover. Syl + Eva...How many times does "EVA" appear on this cover? 1...2...3...a lot... Good luck everyone.

POSTER: No yellow background. It's a "PUBLIC PARK RULES" poster. Pretty much...you can't do anything. At the end, they tell you to enjoy the park. Zing! Zang!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Aaron Spellin is now the prif rdr. Well, good for him! "Enter our best contest eva! Rules and entry blank on page 5."

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - June 1st The accountant is gone. Lots of letters but...the contest rules are here...

Have Fun You Can Win
Enter this contest today!
3 Grand Prized
ATARI Video Games
The popular games that you play on your own television!
Plus 22 Runner-Up Prizes of free one year subscriptions to CRACKED Magazine

"Eva is Sylvester's new girlfriend. Her name has been hidden in the park scene on our front cover. Find the number of times Eva's name appears on the front cover...Then, on a separate piece of paper, tell us your favorite joke."

Entries must be mailed by June 8th, 1982...Crap...

THE FALLING GUY: I never watched this show. Never seemed interesting to me...and I'm having a heck of a time paying attention to it...So, I've brought in a Guest Reviewer for this bit of the review: GVB the Third to help...Sir...

GUEST REVIEWER:

GVB3 here... The great thing about The Falling Guy is that, in so many ways, it encapsulates everything that CRACKED is about, namely sucking ass.

CRACKED SUCKS! MAD FOREVER! I think they had Pac-Man on the cover around this time! Read that instead!

OK! OK! Enough of this! PIERRE L. IS BACK!

Ghumdrop Vincent Burlington III strikes again. I didn't realize it was the same guy. I thought the same man who ruined my review of #178 was long gone. Apparently, he's still lurking.

Ghumdrop, I'll get you!

I still don't know anything about The Fall Guy, though.

COLLISION COURSES: A man with no gas is about to meet an Arab sheik. A Feminist is about to meet a Male Chauvinist. The best? A man with a ladder is about to run into a man holding a TV. At one page, I like it.

HOW TO SAVE THE BANKING INDUSTRY: Space themed banks! Old West banks! Banks with igloos! The bank presidents will tell jokes to people. No more toasters for deposits...Designer Jeans. Dishwashing service...Pac-man! Magicians in the lines to keep people interested. Centerfolds in bank books...I think CRACKED's onto something here. It's a pretty amusing bit. Better than The Falling Guy. But, all of these sorts of bits are so formulaic...I get lethargic...

HOW GULLIBLE ARE YOU?: Well...it's not that great but I like the art. Do you believe the plumber when he says..."This repair shouldn't cost you more than $15...unless I hit a snag...but that's pretty unlikely. After all, all I'm doing is changing a washer." No matter what your grandfather tells you, do you take it as fact? Granddad loved Nixon. You check off boxes (Yes or No) under each panel. Then, there's a score...The article's all right...But, it's nothing to tattoo on your ass if you know what I mean.

I TATTOO CRACKED ON YOUR MAMA'S ASS!!!

What the hell?

MAD 4EVER!

Ghumdrop has somehow broken into the post. I don't know how that's possible. We must be on our guard.

ONE DAY IN THE DEPARTMENT STORE: A blind man, spinning his seeing eye dog around...You know this joke...It's fun(ish). Enjoy the page.

TALKING VENDING MACHINES: At two pages, there are some funny moments here. (Stretch if any more and you got problems.) Abused machines punch back. Cigarette machines blow smoke in your face. Some machines talk to lonely people. Your Mom thinks you stink. Put a slug in a machine...it'll grab you. Like your Mom grabbed me last night. A pretty good article.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XIII: Two pages. At least three laughs...that works for me. I see Don Knotts!

T-SHIRTS WE'LL NEVER SEE THEM WEARING: Sylvester P. Smythe wears a MAD shirt. Alfred E. Newman wears a CRACKED shirt. Archie Bunker wears a NAACP shirt. Gloria Steinem has a Playboy Bunny shirt. Gags like that. Very MAD...again...MAD check #232 or #233...there might be two pages missing.

Ghumdrop! Knock it off!

Actually, I had the exact same thought about that article that he did.

A CRACKED LOOK AT HOUSEHOLD CHORES: Three pages, all gags, no waiting. Young man like to do laundry to meet women. A young boy is offered a new train car (toy trains) every time he takes out the garbage...That garbage ain't getting taken out! IMAD is better than this! Why not read MAD!? I'm going to start my own site! MAD Magazine Reviews and it will start in the 50's and be better than this! The art is fun here but the gags are so-so.

KIDS, YOU KNOW YOU REALLY HAVE TO WORRY WHEN: Wow...three pages of this... "You grab the wrong lunch and you end up with coffee and a turkey sandwich and your Mother gets juice and peanut butter and jelly." "You aren't at home when the new issue of CRACKED arrives." "You get home and your Mother says 'The school called...'." "You get home and me and your Momma are getting it on!" -GVB3 Rules!

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: I don't know. Is there a point in going on? He's tapped the review. He knows what I'm typing and can PUD! me around at anytime. There's a flying car...there's an old lady...there's a parachute...I'm a stupid jerkhead...there's a...OK...

ADULTS FOLLOWING THE RULES THEY SET FOR CHILDREN: All right...Ghumdrop...take over! I give up!

OK! MAD rules! CRACKED sucks!

STOP WATCHES FOR A CONTEMPORARY BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS: That's all you got, Ghum? What's the point? You said all that stuff before. Why say it again? People can see what you've written on your previous post. Part of me just wants to say to you...that the stop watch for "Dreaming of a whiff of clean and fresh air over modern cities" is at 77 Years and 9 months and 23 days...But, what would you care? Especially, if I said that this article is a little obvious but not without its charms..."Getting the waiter's attention in a restaurant...7 hours, 38 minutes, 20 seconds" What do you think of that, Ghumdrop?! If that is your real name? YOUR MAMA! I wrote that! Pierre L...not Ghumdrop.

CRACKED SUCKS, MAD RULES! I wrote that, Pierre L. did! What do you think of that?!

WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT THE WORLD TODAY?: I don't know. Let's ask GVB3...

MAD RULES! CRACKED...AWESOME!

Ha! Now, I hacked into your hacking! Try it...YOUR MAMA GIVES gifts! She does give gifts. That's my mama.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GAME SHOW KING: I'm onto your game, you Invader of Other People's Blogs. Nanny kicks Mr. Cluck Embarris, the Game Show King's, behind and I'm mailing you yours before the Shut-Ups! You do not get the Shut-Ups! This ends now! Speak now! You won't get more than two words out before I zap you.

MAMA's family!

BLOW your own horn!

MAD men is a good show!

I beat you, Ghumdrop. Get the hell out of here. Go to the CRAZY Magazine Reviews site and bug them for a while.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Dogs
2 - Bricks
3 - Reagan

Dogbrickagan. I love Shut-Up words.

GREAT MOMENTS IN TRANSPORTATION: Royalty are abusing slaves again...Oh well. It's Gagtastic!

Things have calmed down. I don't even remember much of this issue now. All I remember is that we put an A-Hole down! So, let's move on.

Next issue: Still trying to bring those sales up...an old friend makes an appearance for the final time.

CRACKED #187: Selling Fewer Magazines? Put Everyone On The Cover!

July 1982
by Pierre L.

You saw it in the last post. After half-a-decade of solid sales, CRACKED's popularity began to drop in 1981. (Odd, that was when I started to read it.) By the end of 1982, sales would really begin to slide until the middle of 1985. (We'll discuss that when we get there.) But, now, we're early in '82 and the staff are giving it their all. This cover has a background! Granted it's the gray/ white exterior of The Love Boat but there is a background.

And, look at everyone on there:

The Dukes & Daisy
Mork & Mindy
Gary Coleman
Tootie
Captain Gavin MacLeod
The Bandit!
& Sylvester

All welcoming us to a "Wacky Love Boat Cruise!" Let's go in.

POSTER: Yep, the yellow background is here. Brighter than ever. This is the "ECHO POSTER!" Yell something at it and your voice will echo...Check the fine print! You gotta hang it in the Grand Canyon! Oh, the love!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. See is still the prueff rdeder. He's kept his job! Bob Sproul is just the publisher. No longer the editor. Marion Sproul is the editor. I think this issue looks fun. I never like to guess until I've been there, though. Although, I guess I just guessed.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next Issue - April 20th. Accountant is still there. "Dear CRACKED, Is your magazine inteliigeant?" "What did the drumstick say to the drum?" All these questions. Let's learn from each other.

Oh...According to THE COMIC BOOK PRICE GUIDE, CRACKED Issue. No. 70 is worth 80 cents, and the first issue of CRACKED is now worth $24.

THE WILDEST AND WEIRDEST LOVE BOAT CRUISE OF THEM ALL: And is it ever...There's no plot at all. Everyone on the cover shows up on the Love Boat, does a few gags making fun of the characteristics of their particular shows and then there's a car chase with the Dukes and the Bandit. Lots of bad puns. Some great illustrations of folks being goofy. An exploding pig and Jonathan Winters. Of course, Mork & Mindy was at its very end. The ratings had plummeted and it was going off the air soon. But, it's nice to have them back one more time. And, of course, Diff'rent Strokes was no longer a megahit. Although, it was only halfway through its run. The Dukes, however, were kicking ass. Smokey & The Bandit 2 had come out in the Summer of 1980. The Love Boat was going strong, too. A mix of Current Juggernauts and old CRACKED favorites...possibly some of them appearing for the last time.

WHAT THEY'RE REALLY THINKING WHEN THEY SAY: Oh no...This is no way to run a magazine. These articles are pure filler. Try as they might. As far as I know, this bit could have run 15 or 20 years previously. I don't get anything out of it.

A GOOD DATE VS. A BAD DATE: Seriously? Three pages of more of this kind of thing. The artist is one I haven't seen for a while or at all. That makes me think they have a new artist or...this is a very old bit. I don't remember it so I'm saying it a new bit. So, HOORAY! for the new bit. I wish it was funny.

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: This is a pretty funny bit. There's a picture of a man on the ground with his eyes closed and one leg in the air. He seems to be tapping on a sewer drain. "Mr. Frank Sonata, a music professor at Boston College can play "You Light Up My Life" on a sewer drain with one leg in the air and both eyes closed! BELIEVE IT OR NOT." It's all stuff like that and it's three pages and it's pretty good. Now, you could point out that all this is is a variation on The Cracked Lens...so that makes a lot of "Foto Funnies" gaggery in this issue...But, luckily, it's something they do a good job with, generally.

COLLISION COURSE: "Ban Guns" meets a hunter. Kermit the Frog with a thin pig meeting Miss Piggy. A dog meeting a dogcatcher...and more!!!! Well, it's one page. It's fun to get that little snap of realizing what the gag is so I can't slander this one.

VIDEO COLLEGE: Taking classes from home via Video! It's sort of amusing but nothing earth shattering. It's the third page that is awesome...The advertisers pitch to people at Video College...My favorite? "Thanks to Slap-On Facial Paint All your Video College Classes Can Be Truly Integrated" You buy these assorted paints and paint your face to make your class interracial. You use "Honky White For Blacks" & "Midnight Mahogany For Whites". "Your home study classes can assume a truly international atmosphere with the addition of Tacos Brown & Won Ton Yellow". The best!

YE HANGS UPS: Oh, it's one page and it's fun. These one panel pages are generally amusing.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: One of them is "The Generation Gap". GENER ATION.
Get it? Two pages of those. I like 'em but I still never get 'em.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF RELATIVES: Oh dear..Well, I read it. 4 pages of several panel strips with relative gags. A little boy thinks that if his pregnant sister has a little girl, he'll be an aunt. A kid responds to a fat relative who says "I remember when you were this high" with a "...when you were this wide..." bit.

I'll detail one of the strips and then we'll move on:

Panel 1: Two fat, mean ladies leave a house. A husband and wife stand in the doorway.
Wife: Well, I'm glad that's over with. I can't believe your cousins Sonia and Clara argued and fought all evening.

Panel 2: Inside, the husband stands looking rather smug. The wife has a tray of dirty dishes.
Husband: Well, it's like Einstein once said. Put two people born of the same blood in the same room and they'll always go for each other's throats.
Wife: When did Einstein say that?
Husband: In his famous theory.
Wife: Which one is that?

Panel 3: Wife is washing dishes. Husband holds up a finger and has a goofy look on his face.
Husband: The theory of Relative-ity!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XII: Only two pages? Well, they're funny. Read them.

TOO DUMB FOR COMFORT: I had no idea that this show was on so early in the 80's. For some reason, I always thought this was mid-80's.Started in 1980...ran for three season on the Network and then three(ish) more seasons in syndication. In the end, it became The Ted Knight Show. Hmm...I used to watch this in syndication all the time. It was one of those "Not really all that funny but Jm. J Bullock is pretty darn amusing" shows. That's why I watched. Now, I couldn't even imagine trying it but I'm jaded. This parody is OK. 7 pages seems a touch excessive to me especially when they could have included more "What They're Really Thinking" stuff. I'm kidding, of course. A decent parody but it doesn't match the pure OOMPH! of the opener.

MORE CELEBRITY GARBAGE: The opening blurb above the title, the title and the art around it look very old. But, the rest of the bit is new. I think. The last time they did this was Issue #131 - The Godfather Meets Jaws - March 1976...Would have come out at the end of 1975...The year CRACKED had its largest circulation. Is there any clearer reason why this not-so-funny seems-to-be-ripped-off-from-MAD bit has reappeared? Miss Piggy, J. R. Ewing, The Regans, Howard Cosell...Their garbage is here...

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SKI RESORT KING: A good Nanny bit. She really gets cheesed at Mr. Schuss who runs these resorts that really rip people off. She even has tons of film footage to show off things that are skeevy. A cup of tea is 65 cents...but, you use a Universal Tea Bag. The fireplaces are coin operated. 50 cents lifts a metal frame and exposes the fireplace for 12 minutes. Do they make snow? No...they shred paper. They do give everyone Free Snowballs to eat. But, in the end, a film mishap derails Nanny's expose. Oh well. Good bit, though. I wish all of these were like this.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Dad
2 - Bell
3 - Bull

Dadbellbull...I love it.

GREAT MOMENTS IN FASHION: This is a good one. Sir Algernon Stewart-Ellsworth III invents the Stove-Pipe Top Hat on 6/11/1857. See it and giggle.

Well, they seem to nail down certain bits, most of the parodies, Foto Funnies, Word Play, but other bits (you know the ones) seem like endless filler to me. I guess if each issue is like an album by one of your favorite bands, then it would be one a band that put out too much material. For every great bit there's a weak bit...that's too bad. I may check out some of the Collector's Editions and Super CRACKED issues to see if they get the chaff out.

Let's carry on.

Next issue: What else do you do when your sales are beginning to plummet?

Cracked Circulation

At the end of every year, CRACKED places the "Statement of Publication and so forth" in the Lettuce page. And, every year, I casually mention it and move on. Well, I've just gone through a batch of them to check the circulation throughout the years I love. It's interesting. I list the year then the issue that this info came from. Usually, March came out in December.

1972 (May 1973): 325,762
1973 (May 1974): 550,052
1974 (March 1975): 880,000
1975 (March 1976): 1,015,210
1976 (March 1977): 806,922
1977 (March 1978): 904,916
1978 (March 1979): 884,392
1979 (March 1980): 866,017
1980 (March 1981): 855,918
1981 (March 1982): 728,501
1982 (March 1983): 653,721
1983 (March 1984): 579,728
1984 (March 1985): 533,320

They shot way up and them dropped down...1985 is when Bob Sproul left. Probably a wise choice. (That's when I leave too.)

1976 was The Year of The Fonz. Strange that the circulation dropped. 1977 was the Year of Star Wars. It goes back up.

I'd love to know why they passed a million in 1975. Anyone? What was happening to MAD that year?

Cracked #186: What is the left side of the cell against?

May 1982
by Pierre L.

As Barney Miller drew to a close (in its 8th season), the Folks from CRACKED return for one more parody. Fish is long gone. He embarked on his solo career. He was replaced by Steve Hogarth and they're still going strong. Having everyone moving around on the cover is cool. That little peek of a bulletin board on the left is nice. Look behind Barney, on the ground. Moulding. Implying a hallway. All of that is great. But, then you look behind the cell. What's with that green? And, what is the left side of the cell against. Is there a wall there? I can't quite tell. I think there is. Yeah. If you look behind the paintbrush, there is an implied corner. But, still, a real wall is needed for the joke to work. It could have been handled a little better.

Regardless...this is CRACKED, not the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Inside?

A bright yellow poster with black lettering awaits us. Some kid had walls in his room that looked like some kind of giant strange bee. I can't imagine any parent being thrilled by this color covering the walls. I'm getting a little nauseous looking at it now.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: pr-f rddrr still Luke N. See 4 writers. And some fun stuff approaching.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The accountant is still a tightwad. There is a Jaws-related SUPER CRACKED on the stands. Next issue - March 9th The Saboteurs & Investigators are all over this. We'll have to talk more about them soon.

BLARNEY MILLER: There are some different cats members but the jokes are exactly the same. Wacky prisoners. Talk of "plots" and filling up their half hours. A guy brings in 100 pounds of squid because he misread "SQUAD ROOM". That one guy is in a designer suit. That other guy is still Polish. Stuff like that. The show would go off the air soon so they were giving it one last go. Somehow it doesn't ring quite as true as giving M*A*S*H a final jab but...If only everyone on this show were nude.

CRACKED'S PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE: Some funny bits. Pictures matched with write-ups. My favorite: A little boy throws money in the air. "A two-year old boy living in Idaho will become the youngest millionaire in American history after winning the Idaho state lottery. (But will end up blowing it all on Tab and the three-year-old next door.)" There is a three-armed Brooke Shields and a giant spider. (Not in the same photos.) Two pages of giggles.

IF T.V. COMMERCIALS WERE FORCED TO TELL THE TRUTH: A good bit. "Bunty Paper Towels" "Poopsi Cola" "Mail-Order Records" "Stanka Coffee" "Alpoo Dog Food" I love the Sam Whitehead art matched with these parodies. The commercials come rushing right back to my memory. This bit actually seems like it should have been in another magazine I used to read as a kid but I don't remember which one. Bananas? Maybe it was. The Stanka coffee bit brings me giggles.

CRACKED "YOU KNOW YOU'RE _______ WHEN"'S: "ugly...better stop sewing...better find another bank...it's time to clean your room...staying at a lousy hotel..." Oh well, it started off strong. The art is fun but the gags are strictly 1912. John Bunny was more up-to-date.

VIDEO GAMES OF THE FUTURE: Great stuff! And, at three pages, way too short. Multi-Movie Maze "Object of game is for player to buy some popcorn at the snack counter, and then return to correct movie from which he exited. Player must avoid getting zapped by hostile crowd at snack counter or being side tracked by video games in lobby." Good stuff like that. The "All-Sports Players Strike" is an empty baseball field. "Nothing happens for entire length of game." The third page has "Custom-made celebrity video games" for Dracula and Billy Martin, Gary Coleman, Mean Joe Greene & Mork. All great, all the time.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN UPPER CLASS & MIDDLE CLASS: Oh well. They're really trying to make a point here, aren't they? What that point might be...I couldn't tell you. Upper class on one side and Middle class on the other. hey! The Middle class struggles and doesn't have as much money as the rich. I truly thought this article might be making a point but it's really just taking up space until the next article...

CRACKED LOOK AT TEACHER TYPES: Oh crap. This is the next article. At least it's only two pages. Mr. Hip is an old hippie. Mr. Buddy-Buddy is your pal. Miss America is hot. Mr. Impossible gives tough tests. Mr. Pierre is bored.

THREE'SA COMPANY: Well, it's got the Whitehead art. But, what is the fascination with really old sitcoms here? Last issue, The Jeffersons. This one, BM & this one, in it's 6th season, I believe. The art is funny but most of the actual jokes (written) aren't, But, Sybill Smythe - Sylvester's younger sister, shows up in the end. "With all their family knows about the janitorial profession, we should really sweep up in the Nielson's now!" There's no real plot. It just kind of goes from gag to gag about the show's make-up and then it ends. It's OK. But, the BM parody was like this, too. Two in the same issue make me a little sleepy.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE Featuring Jeff Keate: Two pages off one-panel gags. pretty amusing.

A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH RONALD REAGAN: In the BM parody, a woman asks "What President Reagan meant about the ketchup?" I think that refers to when the U.S. gov't classified ketchup as a vegetable or something. That thought is funnier than this bit. And, this bit goes on for 5 pages... Nanny Dickering is there and she makes a joke about saving "$1.80". Oh, that tightwad! The Talking Blob is there, too. I'm not particularly chuffed on this bit.

COLLISION COURSES: Two pages of...a dog about to meet up with a cat...a burglar about to meet up with a cop...Sylvester about to meet up with Alfred...I guess it's OK. The issue's kind of wound away from us.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XI: Only two pages. As funny as ever...but only two pages?

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SOAP OPERA KING: More Nanny. She interviews Mr. Bud Suds. They mention Dallas. Mr. Suds id preparing a show called "Houston". "See the struggles of R. J. Uwing!" I'll watch it. Yep. Soap operas are repetitive and they can make some people cry. It goes on like this. I don't think Nanny's really tightening any screws here. It is what it is. Some funny gags about soap operas although I'd rather be watching Dallas.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - driving
2 - plants
3 - Nelson, Willie

Final Tally - MERV!!! I giggled and told my cat to "Shut Up!" There is a strange bit at the top of the page. A little man with a ring and string out of his back. "Pull the ring and hear a very funny joke." What the heck?

GREAT MOMENTS IN EDUCATION: A Pharaoh starts a speed-reading course. Slaves get hurt!

You know, the issue started with an ass-kick and then it faded and sort of just caught back up to itself by the end. Maybe the next one will be better.

Next issue: Finally, we're out to sea! Literally...Come and see the laughs.

CRACKED #185: Right Through The Cover!

by Pierre L.
March 1982

Fun cover! And, for once, the bland background is perfect. If The Dukes are leaping through the air, then the background behind them would be blue. And, they're tearing through the magazine. Granted, there could be something on the white page but I like to think that they're bursting through a blank page.

Let's go in...

POSTER: Yellow background...Now, I have to pee. "JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST METRICS: WE DON'T WANT NO FOREIGN RULERS." This comedy makes me feel funny...downstairs.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. See is back as the pr rdr. Lots of writers on this one. I see George Jefferson. Why are the contents always out of order? Is that a joke I missed the set-up for?

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - January 26th, 1982. The Tightwad accountant is still here. And, there is another "Statement of Ownership, Management & Circulation". Hooray! Average copies printed per month: 728,501. Subscribers: 384, 587. I forget if they're doing better than they were. It's in one the previous entries.

THE DORKS OF HAZARDOUS: Bossy Hog is up to some crazy shit! He overhears Dizzy Dork saying something about hiding her tips in a coffee can. So, Bossy and Sheriff Rascal arrange the "The 13th Annual Round Hazzardous County Car Derby!" No one (including Bob Sproul) can remember the first 12 but Boo & Cuke get pulled in. And, a crazy race ensues as Uncle Fussy is distracted away. And, in the end, Dizzy was talking about asparagus tips and those two daffy dimwits (the law, not the Dorks) go to jail! Ha...The whole thing curves along with some really bad jokes but entertaining art.

How long do you think it took them to come up with those names?

MORE PRESS MISTAKES: Funny bit. "Your husband will be surprised at the great stew that can be made from this new cookbook!" A woman is shown cooking her cookbook. "Look for Sam's Sewer Service under water in the yellow pages!" A man is underwater flipping through the phone book. Two pages of these and they're pretty amusing. Nice bit.

THE CRACKED ANNOYANCE BAROMETER: A little barometer next to each panel. A stone in your sneaker - 47. People who sit behind you during a movie and do nothing but talk - 25. One of them that doesn't have a heading but seems to be The Tonight Show - 17. Take home tests on a holiday weekend - 100. I don't know. I think these sorts of articles are long past their prime. Maybe I would have nodded at these when I was younger and said "Hell yeah!" But, I don't think so.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part X: 5 pages on this one! Panels with guys fighting but the word balloons say "You may not know how to fight, but you're a marvelous dancer." All of it solid...like this bit.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE FEATURING JEFF KEATE: I like this guy. Some funny one-panel bits here.

A CRACKED LOOK AT AN AIRPORT TERMINAL: Scan around. Is there a joke about "checking bags" that involves someone putting a big check on a bag? ...Yes, there is. Oh God, I really thought these bits were a thing of the past. They stunk in '77. They stink here.

THE CRACKED MANUAL OF MODERN MERCHANDISING METHODS: Oh, I'm worn out writing that title. "If you give your product an exotic name, you can get more money for it." "Boeuf a la maison" is a hamburger for $10.50 "If you're competing against a tough company that makes a better product at a lower price, buy the other company." You can guess the illustration. A few more bits like this. They're clever observations but the illustrations seem a bit superfluous. Or maybe the whole article is...I think the normal CRACKED way of doing stuff got in the way of this one.

THE JABBERSONS: A Jeffersons parody! Finally! Halfway through its eighth season, we get the parody all America has been waiting for. Although, I think most folks grew up while they were waiting. Why is there a Jeffersons parody here? I just answered my own question...1981-1982 - The Jeffersons was the #3 show in America. Well, the art is fun and they do seem to get the sort of things that the characters were doing on the show. But, generally, the jokes revolve from pokes at the show to standard CRACKED jokes. That's always felt odd to me but...this is a pretty darn entertaining parody in the end. And, Gary Coleman appears.

I guess I like this one.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING THE CHILD PSYCHIATRIST: One panels about child psychology. Not as funny as Bill Keate's stuff.

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE IF...: Oh well, one of these. Or, really, another one of these. "When you look out the window of your airplane...and you see the pilot parachuting by!" Luckily, there are only two pages of these. Move on.

THE CRACKED HISTORY OF AVIATION: Four pages and not bad. A lot of text and a lot of it very obvious but it's a fun read. Normally, my eyes glaze over when I see all the text lathered with the illustrations but here...I liked it. Although, as I scan through to find some jokes to use as an example, nothing really grabbed me. Hmmm...maybe I'm going goofy. it has been hot.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE CRACKED MAZAGINE KING: Nanny interviews Robert C. Sprawl (Oh yeah!). And, we see Marion Sprawl and The Talking Blob & Joe Catalanooo. In the end, Nanny interviews herself and puts all the readers to sleep. So, she throws water at us. I woke up. It's a real fun article. We see the writers at work and the artists working with nude models...and all of it seems to be done from the privacy of a small wooden shack in the center of NYC.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Desk on a lady
2 - Grass is greener joke. This one isn't good. Weird.
3 - A desert island gag.

I'm going to give this a very rare Thumbs Down. They don't seem like they were trying very hard. Sorry folks.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: "Igwar Nagoolik invents reading (Unfortunately, no one had invented writing yet!)

And, a decent issue of CRACKED ends as it began: decently. A fun issue loaded with one to many articles that I would call filler. I would have loved it if they could have only released issues when they had enough material. Of course, they don't come out every month and the ones that come out after a two month break aren't appreciably better than any of the others...Forget I said anything.

Next issue: Wow! This show is still on!

CRACKED #184: Our Little Slugger

January 1982
by Pierre L.

Well, it's a funny cover but apparently the budget for layouts is gone again. Check out that "awesome" boxing ring they are standing in. Three barely defined ropes and a (sort of) line that is the edge of the ring...CRACKED, come on.

Here was what MAD had from the same month...


(Thanks, Doug.)

You gotta up the ante. Having Sylvester's face off to the side saying "BUY ME!" seems a touch...desperate. I guess it's these kind of money saving ideas that kept them going for so long.

They sure know how to milk a trend, though.

POSTER: The world's first digital wall scale...Yes, it involves your fingers. Actually, a good joke and it's not on yellow paper.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: PrufF RRfdr, For Rent. Writers for this issue - Randy Epley, Steve Doroba, Andy Lamberti, John Langton, Vonice Brady --- I see Stan Laurel, Gary Coleman and The Frankenstein Monster. Oh boy!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Here's $1.80 Our Accountant is a Tightwad!" A $1.80 discount on 12 issues of this sweet, sweet magazine. I'm sending in my coupon now.

"Mundo Loco" is still the Spanish version of CRACKED. "El Increible HULKO!" Next issue - December 15th

DIFF'RENT STROKES: The title is not changed. This is another one of those straightforward versions of the show. There are a few parody type things here but mostly it's just jokes about Arnold's height and why Kimberly has nothing to do. Mr. Drummond gets beaten up. Arnold wears stretch shocks to help him get taller. There is a joke about "On The Right Track". It's sort of, kind of a parody but really it's here to let kids enjoy a little extra shot of Conold! And, in that respect, it's fun. If you want biting parody or satire, this ain't it, Buster Brown.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAS OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part IX: A giant scorpion. A joke about an old man losing his ear at the barber's. Four pages...and I love it!

HOW DENTISTS CAN IMPROVE BUSINESS: Very busy article. Lots of stuff going on. The dentist dresses up like a turkey on Thanksgiving Day. He endorses tires. Very late office hours. A live band in the office. Folks don't go to the dentist for a good time. It's for their health. I guess this article is fun. Although, as a kid, I probably wouldn't have liked it. And, I don't like it as a grown-up. Hmmm...

THE CRACKED ENCYCLOPEDIA OF GREAT EXCUSES!: There are three pages of drawings of faces giving excuses and I skipped over Pages 2 and 3 and most of Page 1. Not really my sort of thing. Feels more like a MAD thing to me. I certainly don't spot any laughs in here.

CRACKED LOOKS AT PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCES. OR, WHAT THE TEACHERS REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY:: "Was Joey always this active?", asks the teacher as she points at scribbling on the wall. Which Means: Didn't you ever teach your kids to behave? Not a great idea, not a great article. But, it is only 1 page long so...yeah, it's all right. It took me all of 30 seconds to read and it leads into the lovely...

THE CRACKED WORLD OF VIDEO GAMES: Just some funny strips filled with video game mayhem that I love so much. Where's Blip?! Oh, yes, one guy does play the change machine. Never stops being funny! I wish I could play some of the games in this. "Coast Guard Destroy" "Space Explorers" "Blow-Up" "Zorch Patrol Game" I would have had such an awesome childhood.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: Two pages of those wacky boxes with games around them. You know! "A MILLONEION" is "One in a Million" stuff like that. They're fun but I never, ever get them right.

SORRY! NOT THIS TIME!!!: People basically saying No to terrible things about to happen to them. Pat won't watch the neighbor's bratty kids. Stan won't get underneath the giant piano. Things like that. Some fun art, some obvious jokes.

STAR DREK -- THE LAST HURRAH?: Well, it's just kind of hanging out with the crew as they meet Flash Gordon, Wonder Woman and a bunch of other fictional characters. In the end, the thing feels very similar to a Star Trek parody from a long, long time ago. (#127) All the other shows and movies are pissed at how popular Star Trek perennially is and they try to stop it all by sending the Talking Blob to eat them. If you like Star Trek, you'll like this. Personally, I wasn't thrilled. When does Wrath of Khan come out? In their own non-specific parodies, they have begun to repeat themselves.

THE JAY WALK: Pretty humorous one-pager.

FUTURE AT-HOME MERCHANDISING PARTIES: The Mystery Party, The Pet Party, The Automobile Party, The Convict Rehabilitation Party. A lot of word balloons and a lot of words. But, I'll be honest, the effort required to read everything isn't worth the jokes. Much ado about nada.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE Featuring Bill Maul: Pretty entertaining cartoons. They're so straightforward after the business of the last article...they're charming. I'd like to see more of these.

CRACKED T.V. ADDICT!: "You know you're a TV addict when..." You put down this magazine and go watch TV instead. Well, that's not one of them but you can imagine them...

"...your wife says she's leaving you, and you ask her to wait for the commercial!"
"...your list of emergency telephone numbers only includes TV repairmen!"
"...you own a televisions set for each channel...just so you don't miss anything!"

CRACK UPS! FEATURING SAGEBRUSH: Sagebrush, where have you been? It's been ages. Oh, and he's sharper than ever. Actually, it's OK. Better than the TV Addict bit.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE FOOTBALL OWNER KING: Mr. Rocky Rush is interviewed. He's got something to do with football. I think my verve for this issue has faded. I see Nanny. I see this guy. I see football stuff but it's not registering. Let me transcribe a panel, maybe that will give you the juice:

Nanny and Rocky watch a bunch of football players rushing up a track towards a speeding train.

Mr. Rush: For example, here are our rushing exercises. Tackling dummies were too soft. They didn't simulate the force of 3 or 4 men coming at you, so I developed this training device instead. It really toughens up a player.

Boy, that guy talks a lot. Nanny looks superb, though.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - The Monster!
2 - The Monster!
3 - The Monster!

"This Month: Mad Doctor's Monsters!"

Wow, this is perfect.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: Another "digital clock" joke. Less funny than the poster. I get the feeling that someone just learned that "digital" has two meanings.

Two main features that are nothing but pandering. One that seems very similar to a past article. A lot of short, interstitial bits of uneven quality. Some great art, some not-so-great. It's perfect CRACKED! Read and enjoy!

Next issue: Thank God these guys are back!

CRACKED #183: If only they could have included Gary Coleman in there...

December 1981
by Pierre L.

Happy Raiders, everyone!

Great cover on this one. Hey! Where's the lame blue box or the half-assed outlines of things that should be completely colored in? This is a full-on funtime cover! It has less detail than a MAD cover but the more you look at it, the better it is. Something about Sylvester & Superman coursing out of the Ark of the Covenant. That's what the Germans saw in there when they opened it...

POSTER: It is Giant. They didn't lie. "The CRACKED Imported Eyechart" "Before buying any foreign car, bicycle, radio, or magazine, you musty pass this eye test. Place a piece of cardboard over right eye, stand 6 feet back, and read each character on the chart." And, the characters are, I believe, Chinese. And, it's a laugh and we had a good time.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Proof reader...On vacation. Three writers on this one: George Gladir, Randy Epley & Mike Ricigliano.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The contest from 180 has been won!

1st prize: Tom A. Bradley, Newark, Del.
2nd & 3rd prize: David Allard, Billerica, Mass. & D. Andrew Chin, Austin, TX.

I wish they listed all the mistakes that were on that cover.

Next issue - November 3rd

TRAITORS OF THE LOST ARK: This is a fun one, sort of like the Alien parody from back in the day. They replicate bits from the film and then the characters point out how it doesn't make much sense. For example, Toth grabbing the medallion and burning his hand horribly. Then, seconds later, Marion picks it up with a little scarf. That kind of thing. In the end, the Ark contains the script for the next Raiders film. And, it's fun. Good parody to open the issue. I prefer this sort of thing in the movie parodies rather than the straightforward gag-filled things. There's a little more creativity here.

IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS: It's gonna be one of those articles. Traces the day of a very unlucky person...from being unable to sleep to missing the bus to the cafeteria not having the food you want to all sorts of junk...It ends with dreams about the day. Fun, fun illustrations. The gags are pretty standard, though.

JOCK STATE UNIVERSITY BULLETIN: "WEER NUMBUR WUN"! An intro page. Then, two pages with a side layout showing the prospectus for the college. It's all about sports and doing sports things and...I'll be honest, I remember reading it but I don't remember taking much from it. Carry on!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VIII: I love it so much. Three pages of gags and word balloons that make me smile. I do, sincerely, hope that this is not the last one. There are Eskimos. For anyone who was wondering.

NEW MEDICAL MALADIES: Video Finger, Stereo Collideous, Shopper Shock, Rubik's Wrist, et al. Whenever they mention video game stuff, I love 'em. Plus, there are jokes about early walkmans. I got my first walkman around 1987 or so. When I started high school in Quebec...Always, always buy a good set of headphones. That is my advice to you.

Do you suffer from Pudendal Neuritis?

That malady is so 1979...

I think I suffer from Cracked-Sideious
"Disease that can be gotten by anyone anywhere. Caused by excessive, continuous reading of CRACKED. Victim becomes weak from laughter and is unable to stand, sit or drink a glass of water without dribbling it down his chest."

SUPER TYPES IN ORDINARY LIFE: Suburbanman! More side-layout shenanigans from the Boys & girls of Cracked! Incredible Mailman! He's a very good postal employee. Amazing Bartender! "Watch him use his super suction power to empty the glasses of those who've had too much to drink." Superior Trashman...Super Market Checkout Clerk...Terrific Teacher...Fantastic Ump...I think you can probably guess the gags for each of these.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF TELEPHONES: The telephone was patented in 1876. Now, 105 years later, CRACKED is giving it the ZOINK! Well done, boys. When the gags are this good, there's no need to be timely. Yes, Bob Spoonsucker is featured in this three-page article. Oddly enough, there are no jokes about teens using the telephone too much. It's mostly middle-aged men. There's this great gag...A guy keeps getting wrong numbers. They keep asking for Bob. Then, Bob calls and asks if there are any messages for him. Well, if you're going to be a century late on the jokes, why not use a joke that's several decades old.

I think this article is first for CRACKED. I don't believe that anyone was awake when they wrote and illustrated this article. Prove me wrong!

WHAT CHRISTOPHER REEVE (that super man) WILL BE LIKE WHEN HE GETS OLD: Hmm, charming or morbid? I don't know. The older Superman has retired to a condo in Miami Beach. Poopederman Away!

THE CRACKED MOVIE II: It's a musical. It's in Surroundsound. There are little "Tune of 'whatever'" listed underneath the songs. "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "9 t 5" get a workout. And, there are instructions like..."Please blow-up a paperbag and burst it to simulate the sound of the starter's gun." Bob Sproul sends his CRACKED regulars on a race around the globe against the staff of Time Magazine. Who wins? I don't know...But, let's just say that I expect a III in the future.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT AGAIN: People falling off of things. People beating each other up. Kids with Polaroid cameras. Believe it or not! Naw...it's fun stuff. Like The Cracked Lens, but more of a set up for the joke. At two pages, it's harmless.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE T.V. RATINGS KING: People watch some rotten shows and some of those are Nielsin [sic] families. Nanny (looking great) interviews ACDC Nielsin who runs the rating service. And, yep, it's kind of crooked and kind of crazy. And, it all helps keep BJ & the Bear and Sheriff Lobo around for years. There is one Family member who has gone crazy in the knowledge that what he watches keeps things on and off the air. The system is not perfect. But, Nanny might be.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Big Al, the Tire King
2 - A dog named Lillian
3 - A blizzard

Total - Your Fat Mama

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: St. Augustine, FL, 7/29/1561
"Ponce De Leon Discovers the Fountain of Youth..."
But, he's become a baby and his co-explorers are just confused by this baby that is surrounded by Ponce's clothes. Of course, if they were all looking for the Fountain of Youth, couldn't they have guessed who this was?

If the Fountain of Youth is in Florida, I give up.

It's not a perfect issue. But, it's a fun issue. A nice closeout for the issues dated 1981. Although, it's not the last one that came out in 1981. If you find it, read it and enjoy.

NEXT ISSUE: He is back...Not the Fonz. Not Mork. Guess.

CRACKED #182: Right before the Start of Season Nine

November 1981
by Pierre L.

They are back. Is this their...fourth cover or fifth? I forget. It has been some time, though. And, the show goes on...This issue came out around August 11th, 1981. Season Nine would have been starting soon. Boy, that show was on for a while. I wonder what new things they have to parody.

Oh, what about that big blue box behind them? Classy!

INSIDE!

INSIDE FRONT COVER: "Everyone Here Brings Happiness...some by coming in, others by leaving." Have truer words ever been spoken? Not here, Jack.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Dick Shunary - I think he's been our proof reader before. Hey! JR again! I like JR? Hey, he's the man you love to hate! I wonder if people who he's wronged say that. "Well, he blackmailed me with a prostitute and ruined my career and caused me to go insane...I can't help but love the guy."

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: There is a letter from a man in Australia. It is printed upside down. The comedy is all there, stretched out before you. Next issue - September 22nd. I was beginning 3rd grade. The height of my time with CRACKED had begun!

MASHED: (I didn't include the stars. I got Pierre-sized lazy.) Turns out they have nothing more to say. This one kind of stumbles from vague re-heated joke to vague re-heated joke (Col. Blake makes another reappearance) and then ends. The panels are very large, which leads me to believe that "Popular Demand" wanted them back but the writer's were dry. Klinger tries to start another war and we get shots of the Doctors in the Revolutionary War and helping The Three "Moosketeers". It's innocuous and I had to make sure I didn't miss something when I wad done because it's very light. As light as it is, it's not bad. It just doesn't start things with a kick.

DULL VS. EXCITING: You know that this isn't the kick I was looking for. Dull on one side. Exciting on the other. Reading Material - The Autobiography of Morris the Cat DULL! CRACKED EXCITING! It goes like that for three pages. (They still can't find anything exciting about TV, circa 1981. Doctor Who was pretty interesting then. Go British!)

Did I really enjoy articles like this when I was 8-11 or 12? I can't imagine so because I find them so bland now. I would imagine I did this:

Grab the issue of the magazine rack of Wegmans or Bell's.
Buy it with allowance or begging.
Slowly flip through the issue. Looking at everything, smiling.
Read all the bits I'm interested in (MASH, for example).
Then, go back and read all the bits that didn't grab me the first time.
I would wring all 90 cents worth of value out of it.
But, I think these sorts of articles wouldn't have grabbed me.

Maybe I'll note "DULL" or "EXCITING" on the articles from now on as a gauge to whether or not I would have liked it as a child. Good idea.

ONE EVENING IN A POSH MIDWESTERN RESTAURANT: Funny one pager. EXCITING

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VII: EXCITING!, just like your mamma. A good round of the LENS. As readers know, I've always loved this bit. This one doesn't have an all-time favor tie in it but it's good for some yuks.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING SAGEBRUSH: EXCITING! Why not love Sagebrush?

NEW PRODUCTS TO MAKE KIDS FEEL EVEN MORE LIKE ADULTS: DUCITING! I don't think I'd now on this one. There are some amusing bits...The Custody Doll that is given to two girls at once. The Barbie Dream Home that has a mortgage. It's fun stuff and I love the art. But, I don't know if it would have grabbed me a kid. Possibly at three pages I would have breezed through and moved on.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING: THE PSYCHIATRISTS: EXCITING! I always liked the one-panel gags.

THE 15 WARNING SIGNALS OF HYPOCHONDRIA: DULL! Sorry. 15 panels. 15 things. I'm looking at it and can't get my eyes to read anything here. I'm pretty sure, as a kid, this would have sent me to Snooze Town. Hey! That one lady doesn't breath while visiting her sick friend. And someone else does something that I've forgotten but relates to the theme... Oh well.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: EXCITING! GARAGE SALE! I love it. This is a fun bit. Someone is actually working to get this bit done and I applaud them.

THE ZIGGY STARDOPPLE HANDBOOK TO TENNIS: Umm..DULL! It tries. Ziggy is a rotten Tennis Player who somehow gets to write a book. And, although the last part of that sentence describes the modern day world of publishing, I would have just shrugged at this far too busy and not very funny article. It's not quite a CRACKED guide and it's not quite something new and exciting.

YE HANG UPS: EXCITING! Some yuks. That's all I ask for.

HOW MODERN INVENTIONS WOULD HAVE CHANGED HISTORY: I don't know. It's two pages and it's done by that artist who makes things funny. But, it's just a series of short jokes about typewriters and food processors and sewing machines and things like that getting in the way of historical events. Not always in a good way. I think I would have read it and enjoyed it and hoped that the next article wasn't a parody of a rotten sitcom.

ALUCE: Crap. DULL show. EXCITING to read. It's just jokes about Aluce, Smell and Smeara. The food is lousy. Aluce is sassy. Smeara is stupid. Aluce's son shows up and does nothing. A guy condemns the diner. All in a day's work. I don't like the show but I like this parody. I guess that's the point. My God! This show was on for 9 seasons and had 202 episodes! The hell! Who watched this?

THE J.R. GIFT CATALOGUE FOR THE SUPER RICH: EXCITING - now and then but for different reasons. Then, I would have loved the gadgets. An Instant Vaporizer. A Life-Sized Monopoly Game. A huge "Camping Complex" for roughing it. It would have sparked my mind and made me smile. Now - it's JR. It's Dallas. It's awesome. Loved it!

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GREETING CARD KING: DULL! Yeah, unfortunately. I would have struggled then and I struggle now. I used to love Nanny so much but my verve has faded with time. She chats with a guy named ACE who makes greeting cards. There are funny cards, insulting cards and a card that ships you to your friend. It's OK. I was always disappointed that they ended issues like this. I guess I still am.

SHUT - UPS:
1 - Desert
2 - Fat Lady

EXCITING! Please, of course it is.

IRON-ON (incl. on back cover): Sylvester painting CRACKED on your shirt! I guess this is OK. No real joke. More of a CRACKED ad.

A decent issue. Half DULL, Half EXCITING. I guess that's what we should expect from here on in.

Next issue: That's a lot of pop culture!

CRACKED #181: Check out those robbers! Why aren't they colored in?

by Pierre L.
October 1981

It's not a bad cover but the whole cheapness of these things is getting to me. Where's the background? Why are the three robbers blue? They are not actually filled in. They're just outlines. It's as if no one filled them in. Was it really that expensive to actual fill in the cover? Isn't the cover the selling point of your issue? Why not put some life into it? "Hey Severin, draw Sylvester locking the Greatest American hero into a phone booth so he can't go after some robbers." "OK." "But, don't do anything with the robbers, just outline them." "Huh?" "Yeah. We may or may not color them. t saves ten bucks." "Why not fill the background in with beautiful colors and...?" "Don't say it." "...well, like MAD." "No!!!!"

POSTER: Inside front cover only. It's pink. A chart that shows "Prices", "Quality", "Jobs" and "Pollution". It works. It's comedy. It's alive.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Amy Stake" is back as the prufe reeder. I see Gary Coleman!

Robert C. Sproul, publisher
Bill Sproul, editor
Marion Sproul, associate editor
Joe Catalano, contributing editor

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - August 11th. In general, folks really enjoy the magazine. Thank Goodness. I'm still a bit iffy on it since we entered the 80's. Maybe it has something to do with a Sproul Overload. "Too Many Sprouls Spoil The Broth."

AMERICA'S GREATEST HERO: This is actually about as fun as the show, which I never quite understood. It seems like, premise-wise, this should be the most fun show ever. Why did it stink so bad? And, why is this parody not up to much? I shrug at it and watch the jokes fly at me. Oh CRACKED, can we break the formula!

THE CRACKED BOOK OF HANDY HINTS: Various things you can do to save cash and make a stash! "If you're out of perfume, but still want to drive your date wild, dab a little cocoa behind your ear." "Want a quick way to remove old, icky, unsightly bumper stickers from your car?" Hit it with a sledgehammer! (There is a fat lady here!) If Junior puts a mark on the wall, hang a painting over it. Even if it's real low! The bit has some smiles and some cool drawings. We picked it up!

STILL MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOT: This bit has become like The CRACKED LENS except with a lot more reading. Sid Melton is in one of the pictures. He played Alf Monroe on GREEN ACRES. It's odd...I think that the CRACKED LENS articles are becoming less funny as this article begins to take over.

Am I becoming cynical over CRACKED? Ghumdrop, talk to me! I miss you.

WHAT WE'LL MISS WHEN THE 80's BECOME THE 'GOOD OLD DAYS': People use laserwave dishwashers and read comic books on microfilm and have fifteen digit zip codes and there are a lot of clones and robots do housework. And, aren't these bits from 1958?

THINGS WE CAN DO WITHOUT: Well...
"Being Unable to Examine Something Before Buying It"
"Someone tall sitting in front of you at a movie theatre"
"Parents Making Excuses"
"Always being the one singled out in class"
"Always getting unfair treatment"
"Always being chosen last"

They're right. Let's do without them!

THE JR FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM: I love Dallas. I read this bit, which is mostly about JR being very rich. Makes we want to watch this show. At this moment, Season 11 is out on DVD. Where the hell is Season 12? What about that Season 11 cliffhanger? I won't ruin it but...JR is a jerk...again.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: The first time this has appeared. Two pages of fun word games. The first one? "VISION/VISION" = Double Vision. "ENDSENDS" = Making ends meet. I enjoy these bits although I think the solutions are always a little too close to the puzzles. I always tend to pick ahead.

THE FACTORS OF LIFE: Lots of Gary Coleman appearances. This is like the first appearance of Laverne & Shirley back in #135. The Fonz keeps appearing to boost the parody. Here, Gary Coleman keeps appearing. The Art is awesome in this one but the jokes are kind of "Ahhh". Not so great but it's a more fun read than The Greatest American Hero bit at the beginning. At 7 pages, however, this might go on too long.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VI: Three pages. Some laughs. I am worried that this bit might be running out of steam. I think they replaced the original writer.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO GOLF: Captions that get punned out by the drawings. "First, you'll need some clubs". We see a guy and his singing and rug collector's club. No... "Ah, let's put it another way. You'll need a set of irons." There is a man with a handful of steam irons. Can you guess what "a bag to hold your clubs?" involves. (See below) In fact, the constant punning on terminology wears me out by the end of Page Three.

JOBS YOU NEVER DREAMED SOMEONE DOES: "Door Knob Designer" "Baseball Seam Stitcher" "Dice Spot Painter" "Manhole Cover Designer". Two pages of quick "yuks yuks" and roll on.

IN THE ELECTRONIC GAME ROOM: A very funny video arcade related one-pager. Good joke.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE VIDEO KING: A guy who records everything. He doesn't care what it is; he tapes it. And, he has a big wife that dresses exactly like Nanny. it's a little odd. Nanny sort of strolls through this one and asks questions and the guy tapes a lot of things and we move on...

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Arrest!
2 - Bus!
3 - Slide!

ABS! Thank you, Cracked!

INSIDE BACK COVER: Your "Money Making" Iron-On!
"IITYWYGMAQ"
Do you know what that means? And, if you do, can you tell me why it's funny? There's possibly too much explanation needed to make this fun.

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Entertainment - Bingo invented and made popular by the emperor Ceasarus Saladus. It involves hanging slaves from a giant bingo board. I imagine that will get crowded as we go.

Ahhh...the magazine is going kind of bland on me. God, I wish we'd pick it up!

Next issue: Look who has returned.

*GOLF: There's a picture of an ugly, fat lady holding the clubs

CRCAKED #180: Wow! It's been a while since we had a cover like this

by Pierre L.
September 1981

No Pop culture stuff here! It's a "Win the 'Mistakes on this Cover' Contest!" It's a somewhat Old Western-type street with mistakes galore! I spot 1...2...3...4! 4 mistakes! Give me my wonderful prizes, please. The prizes are listed on the back (along with the rest of the painting) but they're also listed inside so we'll touch on them then. Hey! There's a background to this painting! Oh my... A Whole New World...

Let's step in...

The poster this month is THE CRACKED PUBLIC SERVICE EYE TEST. It involves saying words like "asparagus" really loud and looking around to see if people heard you. If they heard you and you see them hearing you, then your eyesight is awesome. No...yellow... background...here. Must be the special cover.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Lucus Over, prf rdr" "See Page 19 for contest details!" Feel free to jump ahead to Page 19.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 7th. Someone does mention the little Saboteur guys who were popping up all over the last issue. You know, I have to focus really hard to see them, most of the time. They do a decent job (at least, now they do) of blending them in with the surroundings.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRUNKEN WOMAN: A parody of The Incredibly Shrinking Woman with Lily Tomlin. A movie that was already a comedy so this parody is kind of a bit of a shrug. It's not really that funny and it made me think "I wonder if that movie still holds up?" They do include the ape that she pals around with, so that's a plus. At 7 pages though, I got to give this one a "Thumbs in the middle". It breezes by and I remember reading it as a kid and liking it but now...Ahhh...Let's hop to the next one.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF PETS: A series of several panel comics detailing problems with dogs, turtles and carnivorous fish. I actually really like the art in this one even if the jokes aren't up to much. Some of the reactions of the people (like in the "give away the dog" bit) save them. Not bad. A bit like this can't jumpstart a slow issue but we're holding steady.

WHEN HOLLYWOOD TOTALLY TAKES OVER WASHINGTON: Ronald Reagan hiring Sinatra as a Senator.The national bird has been changed to Tweety. It's more or less what you'd expect. Carter brought in a lot of peanuts. Reagan brings in the Hollywood Glitz. The last panel, however...Ted Kennedy preparing to star in a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Godspeed, Ted. I would have loved to have seen that movie.

PAGE 19: The Contest!

First Prize - Your own personal Video Recorder (Tape MASH! All the time!)
Second prize - Popular Atari Video Games (The fabulous game that you play on your own television!) I don't think it's the system. I think it's just some games.
4th to 25th Prize - One year subscription to CRACKED!

Should be fun. Good luck.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE UNPOPULAR IF...: Two pages about a lot of people allowing you to get hurt because you're unpopular. Enjoy!

CRACKED WAYS OF CONSERVING WATER: Have they done a bit similar to this already? Don't waste water! Shower on Monday but rinse off on Wednesday. Eat all three meals at the same time. Let your dog lick the dishes clean. Make coffee with cream soda. Paint your lawn green. There you go...Several water saving tips from CRACKED. They're amusing but not actually that crazy. Just a little "goof-goof-goofy."

A CRACKED LOOK AT THE WORLD'S WORST 'KNOCK KNOCK' JOKES: Oh dear. Two pages of clutter and bad jokes. I'll just hit you with the intro and the closer. Intro: "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "The delivery boy." "The delivery boy who?" "The delivery boy who's here to deliver the additional cold cuts you ordered for this inane Knock Knock party. Now, let me in." The whole shebang ends with: "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Nobody." "Well, I guess that puts an end to that." And, yes, the Frankenstein Monster is peering in on the top right. Either through a window, a hole in the wall or reflected in a mirror or it's his image in a painting or photo. I can't tell.

CRACKED'S SEQUELS TO CLASSIC MOVIES: A King Kong Sequel where they take him to the hospital. (King Kong Lives). A Wizard of Oz sequel where they take Dorothy to an asylum. (Return to Oz). Those are two quite good ones. There's a Gone With The Wind sequel that could be like Scarlett but I've never read or seen it. And, there's an Airplane! sequel, which is startlingly unfunny. Airplane! is very close in style to CRACKED so you'd think they'd get a joke out of it that's funny...No. No, they don't.

CRACKED'S UNUSUAL GIFT CATALOG PART II: Want a pair of "Ice-o-Metric Pants"? Well, here's your spot. Captain Kangaroo is hawking the new "Repel Wreath" to keep Vampires at bay. Not hot young vampires, I hope? There is a funny one here...A nun with a huge habit on is advertising the "Umbrella Hat". "Adjustable chin strap keeps hat secure even while sleeping!" It's two pages and it's fine.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF MOVING: Another one of these in the same issue. Are we becoming MAD? Four pages of these things with decent drawings and stale, stale jokes. I'm going to leap ahead.

PRESS MISTAKES!: These are OK. "Come in for free alterations on our drastically slashed suits!" A guy is getting fitted in a slashed suit. "Man arrested after being spotted by local artist." You can guess that one. Honestly? That Newspaper headline one from so long ago is much funnier. This is two pages and a breeze but nothing great.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!" Part V: Funny? Yes. But, not quite as funny as usual. I don't know why.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE COMEDY KING: Henny Hope Carson cracks us up! Nanny and her nephew Dickie head over to his apartment. He has a wacky wife and some wacky kids. You'd think this would be funnier...Am I all out of humor? I don't know. Nanny looks great and the wife has a humorous moment or two but it's not enough. Sorry.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Prison
2 - Clock
3 - Ship In A Bottle

Total - I [Heart] New York

Well...it's not a bad issue. It's just not funny. It has bursts of HUZZAH! but most of it is terminally bland. I hope we can pick it up soon. What's next?

Next issue: Oh, that's next.