tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-375375082024-03-13T01:30:34.819-07:00Cracked Magazine ReviewsA compendium of in-depth Cracked Magazine reviewsTurbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.comBlogger111125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-81596594172026043242011-12-15T13:01:00.001-08:002012-04-14T15:59:20.816-07:00Click below for "Fun".A New One! <br />
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<a href="http://bit.ly/vfHqNI">CRACKED #123</a>Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-9200101121386828392011-08-25T10:51:00.000-07:002011-12-15T13:04:39.119-08:00Please...<a href="http://bit.ly/pg2fQl"></a>
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<a href="http://goo.gl/HB4jz">CRACKED #124</a><br />
<a href="http://bit.ly/nQg5Bh">CRACKED #125</a><br />
<a href="http://bit.ly/pg2fQl%20">CRACKED #126</a>Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-4345340321712098142010-12-25T18:11:00.000-08:002010-12-25T18:11:00.678-08:00CRACKED #212: Robert C. Sproul, Over & Out<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikt8Sz5HaAgfcZGEJgjFVrkyx8sZoyziL_dfwvg_hKr3SM4e6fNreGgfYvIP_Yk0TCmL8Or7OnMJG-0BzTqmGjpcItJWhAnkpJjn1_PfWXmuU4uSzLkLUvNZZE21TUoVg1dfg4/s1600/db_CRACK2121.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikt8Sz5HaAgfcZGEJgjFVrkyx8sZoyziL_dfwvg_hKr3SM4e6fNreGgfYvIP_Yk0TCmL8Or7OnMJG-0BzTqmGjpcItJWhAnkpJjn1_PfWXmuU4uSzLkLUvNZZE21TUoVg1dfg4/s400/db_CRACK2121.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552515463931705746" /></a><br /><br />July 1985<br />By Pierre L.<br /><br />I don't know when exactly Mr. Sproul took over the Editing of CRACKED. Sol Brodsky is in charge of the first issue. I have the fourth one and Mr. S is on there. So, either 2, 3 or 4. Up until 212...From mid-1958 until July 1985, he led us through the world of Pop Culture alongside MAD magazine and about 100 other "Comedy" Magazines that fell by the wayside. Well done, Mr. Sproul. You made me laugh a lot. Now, let's check out his last issue.<br /><br />All pee-yellow background on this cover. Maybe it was his favorite color for the cover and the posters after all? It's a fun joke. Although, I don't know about that enormous box on the mid-upper-left. Why put Simon & Simon's faces on your last issue? Maybe he was goofing with us here. Not the strongest cover to go out on but a decent gag.<br /><br />POSTER: THE UNITED STATES OF CRACKED is one of the coolest posters they ever did. OK, a slight chintz on the front cover hides a cool-cool poster. Have you ever been to Grin Canyon? Or Cashville the "Hog-calling capital of the world". And, then we all go to Illbany. Thanks, Mr. Sproul, for this poster!<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Belinda Asabat, prufe rader" Best Comedy Name Ever! <br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Dear CRACKED, I don't think you print real letters from readers. I bet you make them all up. Allan Gregory, New Britain, Conn." "Dear Allan, We don't think you write real letters. Bet you make them up." One guys says "You should have a joke section". A real jokester, that guy.<br /><br />The Final Sproul Fan Club Message:<br />DCBX AOS WNJP HIOWWHY PHMXHW AHPPNMT WN WLMOTVXOD<br /><br />I believe he was saying "Goodbye" to us.<br /><br />SIMPLE & SIMPLE: Wow...there really is another Simon & Simon parody in here. That's almost tragic. Prince shows up in their office. he says that someone is going to kidnap his drummer. So, one of the brothers puts on a huge afro wig and blackfaces himself up...and there's chicanery and goofballery and...oddly enough, the presence of Prince and the sheer joy of some good old fashioned Blackface makes me forget that this has anything to do with Simon & Simon. It's not a superb opening parody but when it degenerates into a crazy pie fight...it wins me over.<br /><br />TV CABLE GUIDE: Hey! It's the alligator man from The Alligator People! Looks like this issue of the cable guide is going to have a lot of great stuff in it. "How watching TV 23 hours a day broadens you (mostly in the seat). "Strawberry Shortcakes Harrowing Day" "See what happens when Ms. Shortcake gets caught in a can of whipped cream." Da Movie Channel is playing some great stuff. This is a very in-depth article with some very funny bits. It ends with some Cable Chatter. I miss my Old Cable Guides.<br /><br />YOUR MONEYS' WORTH: One-pager with great art and a very obvious joke.<br /><br />KIDS, TOYS AND FUTURE CAREERS: Welfare Mother - Surrounded by dolls. Undertaker - A kid burying a stuffed animal out back in the middle of the night. A poet sits alone in a corner with all his toys far away. And, the sad one...A little girl is dancing ballet. There is a sign on her wall that says "Ballet is My Life". And, another things that says "I [heart] ballet." What is her career? ...Housewife. Wow. A little poignancy in the closing Sproul.<br /><br />MAGAZINES THAT TRIED TO COPY CRACKED, BUT FAILED (Thank Goodness!): Beautiful stuff. We are shutting down here. The first one is from 1959...a magazine called Nuts. A satire magazine focusing solely on nut related humor. We see a page from the magazine and then a series of captions describing assorted reasons for its failure. Great idea and funny. "Merchants hated the magazine because it was the only one using 'nut' currency. Customers would continually pay with a 50 nut bill..." Each issue of "Nuts" was salted. Love it!<br /><br />"Apples" Magazine was satire for very, very young kids. It sold well at first because fruit distributors thought it was for them. No words, only pictures. Who wrote this? Why wasn't this person allowed back all the time?<br /><br />"Fool Magazine" started in 1970 and tried to get an all-female readership. It was printed on green newsprint that clashed with most women's clothing. The articles were really odd... (Housewives Are Dumb Because...was alienating to ladies and unfunny to guys.) I would have bought every issue of this magazine.<br /><br />CRACKEDER MAZAGINE This one tried to go weekly but the quality wore down and down as each week passed. "As a weekly, their writers started to run out of dumb material. As a result, they made their biggest mistake of all - they turned to things that were intelligent." Remember: If you're Crackeder, you're happier! <br /><br />I love this article. Best one in years.<br /><br />WISHFUL THINKING: We see someone blissed out, thinking one thing...reality looms! A happy parachutist is smiling and seeing himself landing on the "X"! In reality, he's about to drop into an active volcano! A woman hands a boy a present. He's thinking "Toy Train!" She's thinking "Inexpensive socks!" It's a fun, chaotic two pages that my eye had a bit of trouble following. But, it works.<br /><br />So final. Each one of these.<br /><br />THE TRUE MEANING OF ART: Clever one-pager. Not a comedy bit, just kind of cool.<br /><br />VCR HOME MOVIE ACCESSORIES CATALOG: Did Mr. Sproul know that this was his last issue? The CRACKED Imitators article seems to point in that direction. This one seems like standard CRACKED chicanery...How to suit up your living room like a movie theater. You can buy a robot that walks by you a dozen times a movie, making you get up over and over again. A steering wheel can be attached to the couch to make you feel like you're at a drive-in. An X-Rated film videotape container that is perfect for putting Disney films in...what better way to get the kids to watch? Cover your ground with sticky sludge, just like in the movie theater. It's fun. This is a decent bit. The world will go on, even after Mr. S. is gone.<br /><br />WHAT'S GOOD...AND NOT SO GOOD ABOUT BIGFOOT: Well, when i saw the title in the Table of Contents I got excited. But, it's about the monster truck. Spare tires are huge! Be careful at underpasses! "You'll always have a good view at a drive-in." Oddly enough, there is never a full-on drawing of Bigfoot. We see the front half. Then, we see the back half. We see underneath. We see on the side. I wonder why? <br /><br />EXPANDING THE USE OF PICTURE SIGNS: Wacky signs for our wacky world. A sign for the beach shows a dog with a line drawn over it. "No ugly girls beyond this point." A leaky faucet is "Caution: News Leak Area" for politics. Coaches could signal their instructions from the bench. A coach holds up a sign with a gun shooting a clock. "Kill The Clock!" It's a nice bit but no big shakes.<br /><br />IF TELEVISION CENSORS HAD THEIR WAY: This feels like an old one. Howard Cosell and Let's Make a Deal gags abound. They'd censor sports, game shows, news & westerns. They'd be re-edited so John Wayne played Duck, Duck Goose with the Injuns instead of shooting them. An interview with Pinocchio would be a big thing on the News. It's a fun bit that seems like it's from a different time. If you're talking about TV censoring in early 1985, where's The A-Team? Feels odd. Sorry.<br /><br />THE SILLY COSBEY SHOW: 1984-1985 TV Season. Dynasty, Dallas and The Cosby Show, respectively, rule the roost. Starting with the 1985-1986 season, Cosby would begin its five years at the top. CRACKED got in there quick...The last Sproul TV/ Movie parody begins. Pliff and Eclair are raising their kids and making America laugh. Pliff wants to take a nap but his kids keep coming and he keeps starting monologues and stories about himself. In the end, they move out and live Pliff alone. And, hey, this is only three pages long? The heck? Well, it makes its point and goes. Nicely done.<br /><br />THE POND: A one-pager to close out the one-pagers. This one's just OK. I actually missed the joke at first. And then, when I'd seen the joke, I was unsure if it was funny. In the end, I'm going to say "No."<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE TECHNICAL SCHOOL KING: Hmmm..she doesn't identify herself as Nanny. She doesn't look anything like Nanny. But, Ed U. Cator calls her Nanny. Where'd Cassie go? Is this a repeat? I don't recognize it but it feels like a repeat. I'm going to say that it is not. If I found out that the last full article during Mr. Sproul's time was a repeat, I'd feel a little sad.<br /><br />I also feel a little sad because this bit isn't so great. Mr. Cator's a shyster. ICCES - Ice Cream Cone Engineering School is an easy school to pass. There's a beauty school and a school for Humor Writers. There are lying commercials that air during old sictoms to get people down to the school. It's an OK bit but it never quite takes off. It doesn't seem to have enough "School" parodies in it. But, I wouldn't want to see it go longer so I'll take what I can get.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Paperboy<br />2 - Prize Fighter<br />3 - The CRACKED Team Working Out!<br /><br />Mr. Sproul, from me to you, Shut-Up!<br /><br />BACK COVER: A SCULPTURE'S STUDIO - An obvious joke with some fun art and alternating blue and yellow panels. Somehow that sums CRACKED up perfectly. Oh, shouldn't it be "A Sculptor's Studio", unless it is actually a studio for that sculpture.<br /><br />Not a great issue. It started strong and then began to fade but there are plenty of laughs here. Plenty of bright moments and that great CRACKED imitator article...I was hoping Mr. Sproul would go out stronger but the last issue seems to have spent most of their comedic energy. We'll take that one as the last and this one as a footnote.<br /><br />Godspeed, Mr. S!Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-32727184773708643022010-12-24T21:00:00.000-08:002010-12-24T21:00:07.722-08:00Randolph The ReindeerNow listen, my children,<br />And you shall hear<br />Of the famous big toe<br />Of Randolph Reindeer.<br /><br />'Twas the night before Christmas<br />When into the bar<br />Strode Randolph the Reindeer<br />With a big, long cigar.<br /><br />As he stood there and snarled<br />Like a big, ugly cur,<br />The ashes he flicked off<br />Burned right through his fur.<br /><br />Randolph stood staunchly<br />As he burst into flames,<br />But the rest of the reindeer<br />Just called him bad names.<br /><br />Randolph stayed quite,<br />His steel nerves unjarred,<br />But except for his tailbone,<br />His body soon charred.<br /><br />Then the room quickly filled<br />With a warm, friendly glow,<br />That came not from friendship.<br />But from Randolph's big toe.<br /><br />Just then, in came Santa,<br />And he saved the day<br />By saying to Randolph,<br />"Would you guide my sleigh?"<br /><br />When Randolph consented,<br />The reindeer all cheered,<br />And even old Santa<br />Gave a smile through his beard.<br /><br />So they flew through the skies<br />In the blinding white snow,<br />And were guided by Randolph's<br />Smoldering big toe.<br /><br />And so, if you spy<br />In the thick underbrush,<br />A hunk of burnt toenail<br />Lost in the rush...<br /><br />Just think of poor Randolph<br />As he flies through the air<br />With a rancid cigar<br />And a clump of burnt hair.<br /><br />Author Unknown<br />From pages 30-31 of CRACKED Magazine Issue #210Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-59229333048949378282010-12-22T11:27:00.000-08:002010-12-22T11:27:00.603-08:00CRACKED #211: "Fat People"? I gotta see this.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOe_tOQZ3Hyi0INX9y0otOmjay4CQQR8Fk4IMDnpzyKPdBtnD4N32bfjLbOCP6SutcAnTy3gR5mhJ_7CfWBfGLuxTY5JitffCNqdKg57kMF0UyF5H_159yy38UCbxxBpAV0QNA/s1600/db_CRACK2111.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOe_tOQZ3Hyi0INX9y0otOmjay4CQQR8Fk4IMDnpzyKPdBtnD4N32bfjLbOCP6SutcAnTy3gR5mhJ_7CfWBfGLuxTY5JitffCNqdKg57kMF0UyF5H_159yy38UCbxxBpAV0QNA/s400/db_CRACK2111.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552491934161249186" /></a><br /><br />May 1985<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Sylvester is about to get...Oh boy! Watch out, SPS! I wonder why they didn't color in the trash can? Well, it looks like there's going to be a lot happening in this issue. We better run in...<br /><br />POSTER: National Students Day is on 2/29/85...Hey! Didn't they have the Day of the Child in 1979 on a school day? That meant that many children didn't actually get to go out and celebrate. It was up to their teachers to decide if they went out or not. I know it happened...I've seen the You Can't Do That On Television episode from early 1979 where the kids talk about it. I'm not sure if there's Ruddy involved. I don't remember.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: I see Bob Sproul's face! In my dreams!...no, he's in one of the little panels. "Ms. Spell, proufradar"<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Get the first issue free!" I think Michael Jackson might be reading CRACKED! Although, the cover he's looking at reminds me of a MAD cover. "BFFV SFM WNYFA OAL WNYFA OAL PJH XFWDZ WJFT NA PJH AHGP NWWCH!<br /><br />THE CRACKED MOVIE V: All the current TV detectives and action folks are called together by Mr. Sproul to find the CRACKED logo, which has vanished from the CRACKED safe. Magdumb P.I. and Nagme and Racey are the leads here. (Hey! I see Nanny Dickering!) The guys from Rippedride are there too! What a great* show! This has a fast flow as they track down the man that stole the logo. In the end, Jessycar Ketchup sums everything up. It was the people from Scaredcrow and Mrs. Cling! Pretty breezy and entertaining. I liked this opener.<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY...THE CRACKED LENS...PART XXX: Keep it cool, CRACKED! Start with a strong parody and then hit us with some "Funny Fotos". There's a still from Star Wars. or Star Borez! Ha! Never fails to amuse.<br /><br />PRODUCTS FOR PAMPERED PETS: Some funny stuff. The Canary Condo comes with five rooms, including an exclusive fly room with lots of Fly Space for your flying bird. Have a bored guinea pig? Buy him or her the Hathaway Story Cassette Library. Never be bored again. Henri's Fish Food Seasoning...the perfect blend of spices for your goldfish's fish food. Famous Amiss Flavored Hay - Chocolate, peppermint, bubblegum, pressed duck, Kentucky blue grass, McIntosh Apple. Three pages of smiles.<br /><br />A CRACKED CATALOG OF EQUIPMENT & SUPPLIES FOR WEATHERING WINTER: Another catalog? Hmmm.. Luckily, this one's fun. The Sno-Tow Walkway Rug "Our Bottoms Are Waxed For Pulling Ease." (Mine too! And, I'm Pierre L!) You roll the rug out over a walkway. It snows. You inflate the walkway and then slide it away, dumping the snow on the lawn or in the woods. Weatherperson Hate Mail! So much profanity! Wait...I'm thinking of something else. This article is three pages and I like it. On Your Guard Germ Guard! You get fake arms that shake sick people's hands for you! I like this bit.<br /><br />KITCHEN LAND: The Ultimate Roach Amusement Park! So, I stop reading and suddenly the magazine becomes more fun than it's been in ages. Three pages of roaches having fun in your kitchen. We Have...Catapult Rides! They sit on the edges of mousetraps and go flying. We Have...Jungle Gyms! Playing in Swiss Cheese. We Have...Water Rollercoasters! Sliding down the drain. We Have...Trampolines! Jumping on sponges. And of course we have...Convenient, nearby, affordable, accommodations. So Come On Down! (That would be a Roach Motel.) Great article. Laffs galore.<br /><br />ROCK MUSIC WORD PLAY: And, they're having fun with Word Play. Every square is a popular or classic rock tune. Eye Of The Tiger, Heart of Glass, All Night Long, Roundabout, White Wedding, Double Vision, Footloose. Cool.<br /><br />Wait...Roundabout?<br /><br />YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SUPER TYPE...: OK, well. One of these in an issue doesn't hurt and it is Super Hero stuff. "...if you're struck by lightning and like the way it tickles!" "...if you're fast enough to dance with three guys at the some time." "...if you're a terrible lover because you keep fracturing your partners' rib cage." Ouch. Two pages = easy peasy. I like the art here,<br /><br />IF DIFFERENT NATIONAL PRODUCTS BECAME THE WORLD MONEY STANDARD: Repeat from Issue #133<br /><br />A CRACKED WESTERN YOU'LL NEVER SEE: This one-pager almost works. But, the art is a little garbled at the end. It seems like there is a panel missing between the penultimate one and the final one. I get the joke but it's awkward.<br /><br />CRACKED'S LITTLE KNOWN TRIVIA FACTS: Funny Fotos continue. Although, the Fotos aren't actually funny. It's what CRACKED places around them that makes for funny. We get questions...A still, sometimes with a word balloon in it... and then the upside down answer to the question. Example: Where is the world's only talking train located? We see two businessmen. One of them is looking at a train. The train is saying "Pssst! Wanna race?" The Answer: Brotwurst, Germany. Hey! The Mad Hatter is in one of these. Some very silly questions, some nice use of stills and some silly answers make for a gloriously silly experience in the land of the CRACKED Magazine. Thank you...How's that, Glenda?<br /><br />SAGEBRUSH: Two pages of SB! 7 several panel bits. Wow! I haven't seen this much Sagebrush in here since Momma used to do it herself. Scintillating!<br /><br />Sorry everyone. I just had a "Holiday Eggnog" and I'm feeling like the "Best of the Best 3: No Turning Back"!<br /><br />THE CHARMING INDIA FIRE DEPARTMENT: Another fun one-pager. This issue is really breezing by with laughs. I'm impressed and surprised.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE BREAK DANCING KING: Why isn't Nanny around anymore? She "snagged" the Millionaire King. Way to go, Nanny! So, we have Cassie Collingwood and she's a sweetie. Less zaftig and more of a regular gal. She interviews Shabu! or Lincoln! (He has two names.) They walk around his urban neighborhood and he talks about breakdancing. We see people tangle themselves in knots and a guy "wear out his seat" spinning on his butt. But, in the end, Shabu doesn't breakdance because it's a magazine. Wise choice. Good interview. Welcome, Cassie.<br /><br />IF THE WHOLE WORLD TURNED FAT: "...did you ever stop to and think what would happen...if everyone turned plump overnight?" I think it would go a little something like this. James Bond would have a big gut. Jokes about "My wife being so slender!" Elephants and rhinos would be the new house pets. Big girls in bikinis would sing songs about Tub Cola. Cher's Workout Book would be called "Fat at Last" There's a fat cast of Diff'rent Strokes and Magnum P.I. Blimp-Man would drop his giant butt on the villains. I like this article...The water bed gag is killer.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Graffiti<br />2 - Rick Dyreks?<br />3 - Shoot The Clown<br /><br />Shut-Ups have Shut Me Down!<br /><br />BACK COVER: Hudd & Dini - They tried again and they didn't make it. Well, they're persistent. I'll give them that.<br /><br />So, we have the most consistently excellent issue of the magazine in a very long time. Maybe if I hadn't stopped reading regularly the issue before I would have gone on reading forever. Good issue. Sproul Is Going Out Strong!<br /><br />Next Issue: Say goodbye to Sproul. One Last Round.<br /><br />*I meant "awful"Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-4077635733302858842010-12-20T14:28:00.000-08:002010-12-20T14:27:12.603-08:00CRACKED #210: PRELUDEDecember, 1984.<br /><br />I had been reading CRACKED religiously for a year-and-a-half. 1984 was The Year Of The CRACKED for me. I remember buying Issue #210. I remember believing that it would be (as many of the others were) the best issue of anything ever. It was The A-Team again! Third time in 10 issues. I still didn't like the show but I sure like what CRACKED did with it. In December 1983, I had purchased #202 and, what had been sort of a casual relationship, became a year-long Good Time.<br /><br />That would end in December, 1984.<br /><br />It wasn't the issue that did it...it was another thing that I loved reading...something that I couldn't quite get into properly before. But, now, I had an allowance so I had some money every week. And...<br /><br />Throughout the 80's, we would set aside one Sunday for Mall Day. This was the day we went to the malls and bought everyone gifts. And, we always picked up ourselves a little something too. This was a Very Special Year. For the treat that Young Pierre bought himself was...a comic book. Two comic books, actually.<br /><br />Batman & The Outsiders #19 - with some guy fighting Superman in the reflection of a Christmas ornament.<br /><br />Who's Who #1 - The first in a 24-issue index to the DC Characters.<br /><br />In the past, I couldn't be assured that I could buy a comic every month so I never collected series. Too many gaps in stories. But, Who's Who was different...for the next two years, I would be in Empire Comics every month buying the next one. And, during that time, I also picked up many other comics, including The Official Marvel Indexes...to Amazing Spider-Man & Fantastic Four, The Watchmen, a Red Tornado mini-series, Crisis on Infinite Earths, a lot of the "New Marvel Universe" stuff and plenty of Ambush Bug. For two-and-a-half years, I was a crazy comic book fan.<br /><br />But, with the Comic Age beginning, the CRACKED age ended. I did not but 211 or 212. I bought 213 because there were monsters on the cover. But, after that, I only bought randomly, mainly things with monsters on the cover.<br /><br />My brief, but magic, love affair with CRACKED ends with this issue. Let's read and then we'll enjoy...in that order.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-80923032342154133632010-12-20T14:15:00.000-08:002010-12-20T14:15:00.435-08:00CRACKED # 210: Butch & Slug Won't Know What Didn't Hit Them<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpar7RLfP2Gf_ILeYZcGTgRpYuHOHdGzKiX8Pw-QhnPbAitKqII9-tyxdVGY33xbzGzG62obC2V-1YqQvW1m-25z0OK83Jwylj1Uz3lbQrwLYOfrhno6QOM83h-oqCQGC_-aV/s1600/db_CRACK2101.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpar7RLfP2Gf_ILeYZcGTgRpYuHOHdGzKiX8Pw-QhnPbAitKqII9-tyxdVGY33xbzGzG62obC2V-1YqQvW1m-25z0OK83Jwylj1Uz3lbQrwLYOfrhno6QOM83h-oqCQGC_-aV/s320/db_CRACK2101.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552446091426346466" /></a><br /><br />March 1985<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />I never noticed the shoddy background until right now. Didn't matter to the Kid In Me. The A-Team going non-violent was an awesome idea. I hope Butch & Slug didn't shoot the guys! Oh, and where'd the lady, that I couldn't remember being part of the team, go?<br /><br />POSTER: I wanted to hang this one on my wall. But, I didn't because it would have ruined the issue. I wish folks who bought this issue 26 years ago had not hung the poster on their wall because, when they go to sell this issue on Ebay, the resell value dips into the toilet...hard. "This Poster Is Out Of Order - It read own your at risk" Yes, I know, CRACKED, I know.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Same pruuph raedre. They got rid of Elaine O. but kept the same PR. Fine with me. He does good work.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: No "next issue" box. But, there is a "Statement Of Ownership etc." And, the readership is half of what it was in the second half of the 70's. Most of those were such great issues. I wish I hadn't been a baby or a small child then because I could have read and enjoyed those heartily.<br /><br />IF THE A-A-AYY TEAM WAS MADE LESS VIOLENT: It would sure be wacktastic! A little boy's hamster was kidnapped and the team goes into action! Mr. T tickles a man. They point their fingers and go "Bang. Bang. Bang." They torture a man by making him watch D.C. Cab and then...MR. T makes a man faint by showing him a picture of Boy George in a bikini. (No one man informed Pierre's sexuality more.) Fingernails scraped on a chalkboard save the day!<br /><br />But, their ratings are terrible! It got beat by Lassie and then went off the air in 1973! Violence is Back! Thank Christ!<br /><br />A funny opening bit and I do remember thinking that this boded well for a killer issue.<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXIX: They really love those commas. 3 great pages. Hey! Shelly Duvall! Some guys scaling a building. I laugh and learn with Lyla.<br /><br />DON'T YOU HATE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY: Oh well. They can't all be killers. You know (and I'm speaking to you Rob!) that I'm not a big fan of this sort of article. Occasionally they're cool but much of the time they just feel tired...no one has to work too hard to get it done or maybe they do and I'm wrong. Regardless, I'm not a huge fan but this one actually isn't bad.<br /><br />...when your mother bakes a carrot cake instead of a chocolate cake? (I've always enjoyed carrot cake. In the picture here, a mom has a cake with carrots sticking out of the top. Not sure what that might be or if, possibly, this kid's mom is crazy.)<br /><br />...when your sister gives you a present you cant use...so she gets to keep it herself? (This nerd got a Cabbage Patch Kid! What a clone!)<br /><br />...when everyone gives you practical gifts instead of fun stuff? (Amen!)<br /><br />...when your horoscope is stupid? ("For Those Born Today: Anyone born today is destined to be average. Creative pursuits are pointless, as you have no talents. As you strive for success you'll find many stumbling blocks, don't let them trouble you, just give up, it's useless...you're a waste.)<br /><br />CAREER GUIDE FOR OBNOXIOUS KIDS: Wow. Another one of these. Left side: "Does He/She..." Right side: "Future Career:" Well, it's not quite the same set-up but it's in the same spirit. "Tell fibs?" "A Politician!" "Play 'hooky'?" "Civil Service Employee!" "Throw tantrums?" "A famous entertainer!" In that one we see a kid on the floor yelling "Wahh!" Then, we see a "rock star" with a microphone yelling "Wahh" (My copy cuts off any exclamation point.) CRACKED, still going after rock and roll, huh? Oh well.<br /><br />FRONTIER DUDE: Killer article! Fake magazine for "...sophisticated buckaroos who cotton to the finer things in life." There is a picture of several very severe looking Native American Women. "More Captivating Squaw Pin-Ups Inside!" This bit is five pages and whoever wrote it should have done more for this issue. It feels like effort was put into this. It's a set of old West cliches spun round into some comedy. Well done! "Side Kick" deodorant for gunslingers. There is a column by Ma Perkins called "Advice To The Gay Dog". "What sort of Maverick reads Frontier Dude?" I like this bit. If I could, I'd reproduce it for you but then I'd be arrested for reproducing copy written material on the Internet. It's Christmas...Why do you want me to go down that road?<br /><br />WORD PLAY: Awesome. I love "Spiral Staircase" and I figured out that one! Two pages of smiles.<br /><br />YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MTV FREAK WHEN...: Wow. They've got everything I don't like in this issue. Is there going to be a "CRACKED looks at..." later on? Yes, you want MTV dinners. Yes, you trade in a boombox for a portable TV. Yes, you count rock stars instead of sheep. Yes, CRACKED discovered MTV...move on.<br /><br />RANDOLPH THE REINDEER: I will be transcribing this beautiful Yuletide Poem in a future post. Stay tuned.<br /><br />YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT BIG PROBLEMS WHEN...: Did they have a file full of these marked "Unused"? It was the end of the year. Seems like they have half of an actual issue and half an issue of CRACKED GENERICA. "The plumber arrives, looks at your leaking pipe and says...'Uh oh. I'd better call my office and clear my calendar for the rest of the week.'" "On your honeymoon, it's just..." I can't do it. Sorry. It's two pages and then it ends.<br /><br />TRANSLATING TECHNICAL TALK: Seriously, guys...What the hell? Left Side: When They Say. Right Side: They Mean. Sigh. POLITICIANS - "When They Say - Because our consumer index is out of line with our gross national product, we must amplify our personal revenue commitment." "They Mean - Taxes are going up again!" WEATHER PERSONS - "When They Say - The forecast calls for cold air mass tendencies with an accessible high pressure zone leading a warm front with a 50% chance of precipitation throughout the interum.[sic]" "They Mean - Your guess is as good as mine."<br /><br />THE CRACKED MONEY DIET - 22 WAYS TO SAVE OVER $600 (MAYBE): I like the art on this one. I like the bit about sending one family member to a movie and then having them tell the others about it. I like placing a mostly-empty toothpaste tube under the tires of a car and having Mom back up to get the last of the paste out. I love the "Recycles Old Greeting cards" bit. I used to do that. "John, Happy Birthday - Aunt Martha" becomes "John, and I wish you a Happy Birthday Aunt Martha." Fun article.<br /><br />SAGE BRUSH: What is he up to now? Hey! It's Abundant Bill! A decent one-pager.<br /><br />THE CRACKED TV WATCHERS GUIDE TO SMALL SCREEN ETIQUETTE: "The Indispensable Manual for Proper Behavior Near and Around a TV Set when Either Alone or With Others." "The phone rings during part 3 of a 3-part mini-series. What is the correct procedure to follow?" Give the phone to the dog! "So Bobby, how was your science exam?" "Ruff." "Yeah, mine was rough too." Eat like slobs during commercials but sit and watch when the show is on. There's a lot of text in this bit but there are some funny moments. How to sit while watching the Major Networks compared to PBS? Check. There is a kid watching the "Mr. T Comedy Special". That's cool. <br /><br />SELL IT BACK: One-pager with a good punchline. Frontier related...hmmm, interesting theme for this issue.<br /><br />THINGS THAT ANNOY US THE MOST: Do I need to make the obvious joke here? And this is the big closing article...Oh, CRACKED..."Presidential news conferences that pre-empt only the good TV shows on TV." I remember Reagan pre-empting a lot of my favorites. "An itch that's impossible to reach." "CRACKED Magazine articles that are so good, that you can really relate to and are so entertaining, you never want them to end, but they do." And this one ends...<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Williams<br />2 - Pop<br />3 - Tex<br /><br />The New Monkees!<br /><br />BACK COVER: Hudd & Dini...No, they didn't make it out of jail this time either.<br /><br />And so, my Heavy Reading of CRACKED Era ends...More or less exactly as it began with an uneven issue doing some things I loved and some things that bored me silly. Well, they were still trying (I think). Now, we move to the end of the Sproul era. What did he get up to before he left?<br /><br />NEXT ISSUE: A Melange!Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-22330278797618449702010-12-19T11:19:00.000-08:002010-12-19T11:25:43.624-08:00A CRACKED Blog NoteIt has been a long run. I have reviewed 86 regular issues of CRACKED, along with a few special treats. A lot of writing. A lot of work. And, I've enjoyed it.<br /><br />Now, I am close to my Initial Goal - #212: The End Of The Sproul Era<br /><br />My original plan had been to back up from #127, my starting point. I hope to, one day, review every Regular Issue of CRACKED. I might go forward from #213 at this point. Or I might follow the Original Plan. I haven't decided yet. I might go backwards and forwards. I don't know.<br /><br />I do know that once #212 goes up I'm taking a break. I know, I've taken them before but this one is Upon Reaching A Goal. So, I'll be back in February. Maybe we'll do some Collectors' Editions. Maybe one of the CRACKED paperbacks.<br /><br />Regardless, it will be fun. Thank you for reading.<br /><br />Pierre L.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-63466236701355653732010-12-18T13:02:00.000-08:002010-12-18T13:59:53.589-08:00CRACKED #209: Turn it on, CRACKED. Turn it on.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgckvKaUG1IGms5dzp4vMhD5QvkWpRVaQ_N1iN4HCk57XZIKUwJ26duxWe3bn66ztsOiNwMDsuC6blQLvCCV2eASyY1Ak62-cNy_Th-hSJmJQogPsrYvt2ZYOtLlTRTxomwvVW_/s1600/db_CRACK2091.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgckvKaUG1IGms5dzp4vMhD5QvkWpRVaQ_N1iN4HCk57XZIKUwJ26duxWe3bn66ztsOiNwMDsuC6blQLvCCV2eASyY1Ak62-cNy_Th-hSJmJQogPsrYvt2ZYOtLlTRTxomwvVW_/s320/db_CRACK2091.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552143409265312482" /></a><br /><br />January 1985<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />MTV...you are in trouble! I wonder what "Space Shuttle" could possibly involve?<br /><br />POSTER: "Official Location Map" But, hey! It' doesn't make any sense! A series of varying shades of yellow and a series of locations make for a series of yuks in the House of Pierre!<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Mick Stupp, pruuph raedre" There's a man dressed as a banana! The hell? I just wet 'em and I'm not even inside the issue yet!<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - Dec. 11th, 1984. A reading turning point for this blog writer or "Bliter". Oh, did you notice...the magazine is now $1.25, instead of $1.00. Comedy isn't cheap. (Except when Pierre Writes it! I'm kidding! It's the holidays. I'm full of mirth and nog.) On Page 5, there is a "Sliding Down The Family Tree" article. "A Continuing History of the house of Sylvester" This is from Issue #128.<br /><br />GRUMBLINS: Perfect choice for this time of year, this time is so much fun.. It's a 7-page breezeparody through the movie and it's fun. It goes very quickly and misses quite a few high points but, if you've seen the movie, it's fun. In fact, it actually makes me want to go and watch the movie again, which I remember being fun. The whole piece has a nice Christmas feel and if you know Pierre then you know that I've got a nice Christmas feel to me, a feel of fun.. Good parody to open the ish with, a fun.<br /><br />Ishwith! <br /><br />CRACKED LOOKS AT ARCHEOLOGY: This one's sort of a free form series of panels, many without borders, that is pretty darn funny. Two archys break into a tomb proclaiming "It looks like they were more advanced than we thought." We see a guy sitting in a chair with a "GO NILE U" T-shirt on in front of a TV. There is a very funny Atlantis Hilton gag. And, they find lots of Tupperware at one site. This is a funny bit. 4 pages of me laughing and then smiling and then cheering Nile U!<br /><br />YE HANG UPS: Four panels. Four learning experiences regarding being held prisoner in the Middle Ages...Dark Ages...? Could I get a date here, please?<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY...THE CRACKED LENS...Part XXVIII: 5 pages of chuckles and laughs and a still from Freebie & The Bean! The Heck! I'm in CRACKED Heaven! "I promise never to wear this tie in public again." is a favorite. "I always point my lettuce to the North." is another one. Nice.<br /><br />SHOWBIZ-TYPE ELECTION ADS: "California Ron Battles The Party Of Doom" "Tax Breakin'" has old people break dancing. "Kremlins!" "The R-Team" And..."Tuesday the 6th - The Final Chapter" This is one of the very few references to the slasher era of the early 80's, which was now ending. It would go into a very independent area soon, including all of the SOV's. It is odd to see Jason's mask with the knife through the eye. I wonder if CRACKED realized how many kids loved slasher films, even if (like myself) they were too afraid to watch them.<br /><br />CRACKED BLASTS NASA: "Space Shuttle" is revealed! Anyone here ever play the Space Shuttle Atari game? Starcade once offered it in a prize package. If you have played it, quit being so smug. Anyway, two pages of one-panel gags about the space program. I love the art in this one it's nutty. The gags are variable but I find myself smiling and going "Ha Ha" throughout.<br /><br />IF FAMOUS LINES WERE SAID IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS: This bit looks very familiar. Roderick, could you check the back files to see if this is, indeed, a doubler?<br /><br />Regardless, "I never met a man I didn't like" shows two cannibals having finished a meal. "There's a sucker born every minute." has a man at LaLee Pop & Sons, Inc. getting excited about his job. "Gee, grandma, what big ears you have." shows a girl watching Grandma haul ears of corn from the field. I put my Laugh Hat under my mouth and filled it up!<br /><br />WHAT ATHLETES DO IN THE OFF SEASON: Hurdler (Mailman), Pole Vaulter (Coconut picker), Javelin Thrower(Trash Grabber), Discus thrower (Skeet Shooting Thrower), Hammer Thrower (Ace Demolition Co.) Each multiple-panel strip begins with the athlete doing their thing and then it becomes their job. Good.<br /><br />THROUGHOUT HISTORY WITH THE REAL GREMLINS: 2 pages, six two-panel strips showing Gremlins on an ark (not Noah's), at the Ford Theater (you know what I mean), in Mrs. O'Leary's shed, on the Titanic, with Samson & Delilah and in the Watergate Hotel. Obvious but not without its patent CRACKED charms.<br /><br />HOW SCHOOLS CAN SAVE MONEY: Combine English & Auto Mechanics! Combine Home Ec. & Biology. Pay showers! Ads everywhere! Hey! They will save some bucks! They should go with all of these plans. Really, if you need to save some money for your school system why not go to CRACKED? They've got the Inside Track! Kids can purchase a "can't be called on" card so they can't get called on. Combine classes and rent out the now unused rooms as Hotel Accommodations! I think they're onto something! My Funny Bone!<br /><br />STAR DREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOOK: I never saw this movie but I read the novelization. And, I think this parody is a fine parody of the novelization of the film that I remember from over 25 years ago. Although, it does that thing where it's so busy telling it's CRACKED-style jokes that major moments (like, say, the Enterprise exploding) could be missed. So what do all the panels deal with? Comedy! Right in your Fat Pants! The place CRACKED aims for and hits!<br /><br />My Fat Pants are burning right now.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEW THE MUSIC VIDEO KING: Lionel Itchie! I get it! Cassie Collingwood (who?) interviews Mr. Matthew Thomas Vealgrinder. (Initials, please.) He talks about running MTV and how popular they are and how they show a lot of the same things over and over...but, they rejected a video from Clara Peller. "...she had a song called "Where's The Beef?" It consisted of her mumbling that phrase 100 times to a disco beat while a hamburger danced around behind her." That's awesome! Cassie's OK. She's no Nanny. There are some funny bits here about MTV. I do forget how popular it was. I remember everyone assembling to watch Thriller. Have I told that story before? Maybe I have. "Where's the Beef?...Where's the beef?...Where's the Beef?...Where's the Beef?"<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />You've won me back.<br />1 - Volcano!<br />2 - Artichoke Man!<br />3 - Human Zoo!<br /><br />This human's laughing hard!<br /><br />BACK COVER: GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS! "Eddie (Boom-Boom) Rodriguez rides his 500th winner with no losses." He shoots the competition!!!!<br /><br />Well, I liked this issue. Maybe I'm feeling overly festive but this is Hoots Town, U.S.A.<br /><br />I can't wait to read the next issue...It's an important one for Pierre.<br /><br />Next issue: It's an important one for Pierre. The next issue that I can't wait to read.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-29663078871502903842010-12-09T10:30:00.000-08:002010-12-09T13:21:43.339-08:00CRACKED #208: Thank goodness Indy still has his gun.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-weUXJjQ_zOyO1HoOVYe1KmZ1ndoWCNURXjGxC12ca7Mjf6yhBrhquxmrWwAIOVa5o5dU28Am3tdcoNnUZl0Mo2xgkRhnu9WhJ0jlB7c54GV2qK4R4ECaZBpi9rvo74Etp-mG/s1600/db_CRACK2081.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-weUXJjQ_zOyO1HoOVYe1KmZ1ndoWCNURXjGxC12ca7Mjf6yhBrhquxmrWwAIOVa5o5dU28Am3tdcoNnUZl0Mo2xgkRhnu9WhJ0jlB7c54GV2qK4R4ECaZBpi9rvo74Etp-mG/s320/db_CRACK2081.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5548793523864634930" /></a><br /><br />November 1984<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Short Round is in mid-air. Was this a greenscreen shot where the artist forgot to put in the background? Well, it is nice to see Indy back. I haven't seen Temple of Doom in years and years. Hey! Look! Another Fall Guy parody...Was Fall Guy that popular?<br /><br />POSTER: Pee yellow background but with a white border..."How to Avoid Confusion!" I like this one. There is a lot of text but that doesn't ruin it. A little bald guy leads us through it and gives us a Thumbs Up in the end.<br /><br />Here's the text: "Many things become confusing because we expect that other people are going to be confused about something that we may be confused about./In order to avoid confusion we must be sure to think that we think that the other person thinks that they know what we think./Don't you think that's right?/I'm not sure that I think so, but you may think that I think so and so you think that I think that you think that it's so./See how easy it is if you...KEEP IT SIMPLE!"<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Bill Sproul" is now the editor. Mick Stupp is our pruuph raedre. 9 writers. <br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Michael Jackson's head is in the lettuce. I think it may have been there last issue. Next issue - Oct. 30, 1884. One letter mentions a JACKSON 5 poster. Where is my Jackson 5 poster?<br /><br />INDIANAPOLIS BONES AND THE TEMPLE OF GLOOM: More or less each panel covers a scene in the movie, except for the opening sequence. That takes three of the 7 pages. It felt like they were stretching out and then forced to speed it up. It reads a little weird. Maybe this should have been longer, maybe better paced. I don't know. It's not a bad read. It moves fast and there are some funny moments. It's just such a bumpy read. Strange. You think they would have got the knack of this sort of thing by now. But, I was tempted to go back and watch the movie again after reading this. That can't be bad.<br /><br />A CRACKED CATALOG OF SUMMER SURVIVAL GEAR: Three pages of goofy ads...An Ice-Pack headband is just a headband with cubes of ice in it. They melt and cool you off as you go about your business. Buy a can of Cling-Off to keep clothes from sticking to you. An Insect Repellent Vest is filled with bullfrogs. And, a special tanning tape with dye packets. The sun melts the packets leaving a tan behind! (Not a "tan behind" a "tan in its wake".) And for the New "Punk Tan"...Yeah, a punk joke. Oh, CRACKED, thou art square!<br /><br />THE MISS MATCH: Funny one-pager.<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY...THE CRACKED LENS...Part XXVII: Sorry. I didn't feel like writing out the whole thing. 4 pages of Laffs! Really Truly, these are always fun. And, this is no different. Maybe there should be a bound volume containing every CRACKED Lens ever? It could sell for $400.<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BOATING: Repeat from #129<br /><br />ANOTHER CRACKED LOOK AT A VIDEO ARCADE: The weirdest article in some time. We see a lot of games: Ms. Pac-Man, Food Fight, Dragon's Lair & Tron. We see Bunny Bash and Spinach Monster, which may not be real games. There's a lot of stuff in the background of these one-panel gags. And, sometimes, the foreground. A man plays the tiny version of Pac-Man as the gag happens behind him. (You know the tiny coin-op games. You got them for Christmas. I got Galaxian.) All the stuff going on makes for a lot of fun...But, it's the words that throw me. The opening: "It's been a few years since we took a peek at what goes on inside of one of those electronic game rooms and..." "Electronic game rooms"? What the heck? And, has it been a few years? That Video Game Special I reviewed was less than a year before this.<br /><br />That is not the really odd thing, though.<br /><br />Two ladies talking:<br />1: Video has helped me lose 26 pounds.<br />2: Go on. How could video control your eating?<br />A joke follows.<br /><br />Two kids.<br />1: That's it! I've had it! No more video for me today!<br />2: But you love video. Why would a fanatic like you quit?<br />A joke follows.<br /><br />Two different kids.<br />1: My dad says video is a waste of money.<br />2: Not my dad...In fact, he thinks kids should play video at least 3 hours a day.<br /><br />"Video"? What in the Name of the Lord? There are no "video games", just "video". Did anyone ever call it that? The super-weird thing is that I can see them goofing like this (The Fonze) at the start of the trend. But, at this point, we're nearing the end of the 1st Wave of "Video". What the hell are they talking about in this article?<br /><br />Actually, the oddness of it makes for an interesting read.<br /><br />THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE 1ST DATE AND THE 2ND DATE: Some of this is fun, like "Making Out". Maybe 1st date and 7th or 8th date, instead of 2nd. I've been on plenty of 1st and 2nd dates (Yes, even Pierre L. can find love!) and this article seems off. Something stolen from Henny Youngman's notebooks possibly. This bit has a couple of nice moments but doesn't quite make sense.<br /><br />CRACKED PRODUCTS FOR EVERYDAY USE: Repeat from CRACKED #156<br /><br />THE CAMP GOTCHAMONEY NEWS: They haven't had something this wordy since the Cowtown Gazette. It's a camp newspaper. Four pages of lots and lots of text. Unfortunately, this isn't as funny as Cowtown. It's too easy a target. Making fun of bad food, old dancers who don't know the "hip" moves, counselors that are jerks...There is, however, an editorial that is titled "Please Don't Pick On The Fat Ugly Kids" Funny title. No need to read the editorial. That's the way most of this is...If the headline is funny, don't read the article. It has nothing. But, if the headline is bland, read the article. I never went to a sleepaway camp, just saw them in movies. Maybe this would mean more if I had...As it is, it's definitely worth a read but I didn't lose my trousers over this.<br /><br />rodrigues' SIDE SHOW: Three pages of some very strange one-panel bits. I like this. It is bizarre, which CRACKED is, generally, not.<br /><br />CRACKED HOLD-UPS: A funny round of these goofball gags! Still love 'em!<br /><br />THE FALLING GUY: The last Fall Guy parody was in #198. Was the CRACKED community clamoring for a repeat? Well, as I was part of the community at that point, the answer is No. But, I like this one better than the first one...only because I'd read the first one and was familiar with it. The joke about Lee Majors stuntman is a good one. It all has a nice flow to it that makes for an easy read. It's more coherent than the opening parody. I will, however, pass on future Fall Guy parodies, unless they're teamed with Simon & Simon.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Reggie<br />2 - "The color's off on your set...the hair looks blue and lips look green...plus the sound is really awful!" "SHUT-UP! Nothing's wrong with my TV set. That's the way my rock videos are supposed to look and sound!"<br />3 - Makes no sense.<br /><br />Odd...this SHUT-UP alienated me, especially the last one. Am I missing it? Does it make no sense? To the Back Cover...<br /><br />GREAT MOMENTS IN INVENTIONS: Super Hold Glue! Kickass back cover. Thank you very much.<br /><br />It was an issue of CRACKED. It had some good moments but many more "Huh?" moments. I can feel the era sliding to a close. And, I can also feel the time when I read the magazine, as a child, also coming to a close...What do the final four bring? Well...<br /><br />Next issue: Rock & Roll! (And, we all know how good CRACKED is with that subject.)Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-15878885394704887612010-12-04T11:47:00.000-08:002010-12-04T14:33:59.886-08:00WE HAVE FUN WITH VIDEO GAMES<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpNw-nDIUUPUXsQ_77nf3uqrTpZIiFmpzR9ZJ0ZcmFGTlN8TeL0OgqNH2ry5sucMdLrbFuULdsJzCqPXyUFntaQxL2ju3PnelkEP1ugUCPzzoV_iBAbGIyowhwcvgLMdiiAwo5/s1600/db_CRCKCE561.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpNw-nDIUUPUXsQ_77nf3uqrTpZIiFmpzR9ZJ0ZcmFGTlN8TeL0OgqNH2ry5sucMdLrbFuULdsJzCqPXyUFntaQxL2ju3PnelkEP1ugUCPzzoV_iBAbGIyowhwcvgLMdiiAwo5/s400/db_CRCKCE561.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5546952528743402450" /></a><br /><br />CRACKED Collectors' Edition<br />December 1983<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />A little break before the Final Five. As anyone who was a kid then knows, if you didn't go crazy for video games, you were a lonely kid. My cousin got an Atari 2600. The Boesels got Intellivision. The Romanos got an Atari 5200. Aunt Mary got a Colecovision. Then, my cousin got some sort of computer thing that we played Miner 49er on all day long. It was awesome.<br /><br />Eventually, we got an Atari 2600. The games were all awesome, even when they clearly stunk to High Heaven. I remember very clearly the nights that we got Pac-Man and then Donkey Kong. (Maybe not in that order.) Kids came over. We sat and played for hours. Although, Pac-Man was the same badly designed board over and over. And, Donkey Kong was the same two boards again and again. Eventually, we had about 13 or 14 games. Then, in the mid-80's, it ended. In a few years...Nintendo. Another story.<br /><br />The arcades? Well, apart from Chuck E. Cheese, I never used to play, just watch. Tokens for video games - I used in video games. Actual quarters - Better use was put towards buying books. (I liked books. My Target collection of Doctor Who just kept building.) I remember standing for an hour near a Dragon's Lair game that had a monitor over it that showed the gameplay. I watched (along with about 12 others) as this guy won the game. It was pretty thrilling. Then, I went home and played Swordquest: Earthworld and annoyed myself.<br /><br />Seen today, that seems like a strange age where some playing in the arcade and all playing at home felt like it had a gauze over it, especially when you saw Nintendo a few years later or games today. The games were so poor but we loved it so much. I have an Atari 2600 today. I have about 40 games, more than twice what I had back in the day. Playing it is fun. The games are still a hoot but it feels like it was from 1,000 years ago. Music, movies and TV are different. What an odd feeling...the Video Game Memories.<br /><br />But, of course, all of this isn't getting CRACKED reviewed...move on.<br /><br />Fun cover. And, of course, the promise of a "FREE ARCADE HEAVEN GAME" is a thrill. The cover is so busy and fun that it almost makes you forget the Pee Yellow background.<br /><br />INSIDE FRONT COVER: THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE! Wow...they still owe me stuff. SUPER CRACKED #15 - Unemployment Game KING-SIZED CRACKED #10 - Fonz For President T Game. (I'm not sure what a T-game is but I've got my ideas.) GIANT CRACKED #21 - Vampire Game! I want all of these!<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: I love when CRACKED does what they do with the photos on the right side of the page. Three big pictures of coin-op video games: Space Invaders, Pac-Man and Defender. Just three pictures, no jokes. It's enough that they show them. Like the big poster of The Fonz in #134. No proof reader. Val Mayerik is one of the artists...the heck?<br /><br />Most of this issue is new stuff. If I hit something I recognize, I'll tell you.<br /><br />LETTERS TO CRAC MAN: Oh yes. Truant Office jokes! The flow of jokes actually has a storyline. People play games. People spend money. People get mad at the games. They break records; they don't. And, in the end, a guy (Melvin Bluenote) prefers the change machine...he keeps his money. CRACKED, I have learned from thee.<br /><br />THE CRACKED WORLD TO VIDEO GAMES: Repeat from #184. Two things: 1) It uses the same "change machine" thing as the letters page. 2) The game is not "Space Explorers". It is "Space Exploiters". Pierre goofed. Go back to the entry for #184 and jeer at my fallen pants.<br /><br />ARCADE HEAVEN: Board game on two pages! You start on the outside and play and play until you get to the center...All sorts of great squares and video game icons. "Town Puts a curfew on all arcades - Back 3" "You get a bronze joystick for your birthday. - Ahead 4." Stuff like that. Space invaders, Ms. Pac-Man, Frogger...kick-aresery. I love this.<br /><br />THE CRACKED VIDEO LENS: It's 3 pages of great. All the classic stills we love but everyone is about video games. A teacher strangling a student. Teacher: All right Johnny, I give in! You can take the day off to play "Q-Bert"! Charles Kuralt looking at us. CK: And now that you've been totally bored to death by another one of my on-the-road reports, I suggest you turn off the TV, plug in your video computer and play "Tron". Great stuff.<br /><br />VIDEO TECH: It's the college for video game players. The Spring/ Fall 1983 Catalogue. 5 killer pages. I wish I could replicate this whole issue for you, especially this bit. You'd be swimming in it. As it is, I'm overwhelmed and not sure what to single out. There's a page of courses (Introduction to Super Zapping and Trakball 301). Campus Life, including the ceremonial "Changing of the Dollar". And, I think, my favorite, the Campus Map. Intellivison Avenue is near Hyperspace Road. Pac-Man Park is a park shaped like... Atari Drive is near the Tempest Memorial Gymnasium. Random Token & Coin Changers dot the grounds. You have to see this article.<br /><br />TV CONTRAPTIONS WE'LL SOON BE SEEING: Repeat from #157. Better here than in that issue.<br /><br />THE JOYSTICK REPORT: "The Latest Blips and gossip from the video game world". It's two pages and, while it's not great, it's definitely a lark. The one that really grabbed me..."The boxes of those home video games usually look so much more interesting than the game themselves." We see "Alien Attack" A spaceship speeds towards a planet. Then, we see the game...One small ship shooting tacky bullets at a lame alien. "Blip-O-Vision has decided to buck the trend. The company's games are going to be much more interesting than the containers." We see the "Jungle terror" box and it's a Pitfall-looking guy going up a vine being chased by a crocodile. Then, we see the game...it looks like a cool cartoon...I always loved in "Starcade" when they'd offer the game "Kid Grid" and another (that I don't remember) as prizes. The boxes looked so cool but, when I saw screenshots of the games...they were hilariously horrible. I guess there was a great deal of "Turning a Blind Eye" being done then as long as we could play games.<br /><br />A CRACKED VIDEO POSTER: CRACKED's 10 Most Wanted List <br />1) Pac-Man<br />2) Ms. Pac-Man<br />3) Asteroids<br />4) Space Invaders<br />5) Frogger<br />6) Donkey Kong<br />7) Galaxian<br />8) Tempest<br />9) Centipede<br />10) Qix<br /><br />Cool.<br /><br />GREAT MOMENTS IN VIDEO HISTORY: 4 pages. I'm not terribly thrilled with this bit but it's OK. It's too much like the Video Lens from early but with more explanation for the jokes. "April 1983, a New Hampshire youth went so far as to sell 'Money Trees' in order to earn quarters for Frogger. A family is shown with a "Money Tree Souvenirs" sign. A kid says "A beautiful Money Tree souvenir for your husband, lady?" And, there is something very funny about the crooner with his hands out who, in the still, is clearly singing but in the mazagine he's saying "Awwh. Come on. Won't somebody please give me a quarter to play 'Stirke Force'?"<br /><br />VIDEO GAME QUIZ BOOK: "Guess the Symbol" & A "Word Search" & a "Silhouette Quiz" and a "Jumble Jamboree". It's an actual four page real Quiz Book. Wow...It's Christmas 21 days early.<br /><br />ILLUSTRATED VIDEO GAME NEWS: Well, now maybe they're begin to repeat themselves. It's a mix of The Joystick report with CRACKED Lens photos. "Video Game Hotshot Plays Defender for 67 Straight Hours" is accompanied by that shot of the guy from The Alligator People getting scaly. "Video Game Theme Park Declared a Huge Success" is accompanied buy a shot of an ape throwing a guy around and a giant chicken. (Joust, sort of). <br /><br />YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY A VIDEO GAME FREAK IF...: "...if your idea of a nerd is a guy who actually spends his lunch money on lunch." In high school, I spent my lunch money on cassettes. The catalog of Rush and XTC's Oranges and Lemons were purchased during weeks I skipped lunch. "...if the only chips you're interested in are microchips." We see a guy at the "Vendo-Snack" giving a Thumbs Down to Potato Chips! "...if an earthquake rattles the arcade you're playing in, and you think it's just the special effects." Taken from Starcade Episode #59. It's two pages. It's brief.<br /><br />NEW FORMS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT: Well, they are beginning to repeat themselves, in more ways than one. Repeat from #143<br /><br />VIDEO GAME CALCULATOR READOUTS: Fun. One page with 12 different...wacky things to do on your calculator. Example: 4. The Organization that demanded a female version of Pac-Man (1634690 divided by 2) 11. The feeling that describes someone who's mastered the fourth and final screen of Donkey Kong. (24806 x 2 + 5566) Super cool.<br /><br />I'd forgotten there was a fourth screen in Donkey Kong.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE VIDEO KING: Repeat from CRACKED #181<br /><br />AN UNNAMED ONE-PAGER: Funny convict gag.<br /><br />INSIDE BACK COVER: VIDEO PUT-DOWNS. Three panels with stills and shanks! Fat ones! One example: A man, a lot of cops and a crying woman. One cop is looking at the man. "Mr. Willard, your wife claims you pulled the plug on her while she was playing Asteroids. Is this true?" It's an OK page.<br /><br />BACK COVER: A repeat from #184.<br /><br />Well, it does fade near the end when things become a little repetitive. You can do that with Monsters but Video Games require a little more variety. However, this is a kickbutt Collectors' Edition. I recommend this one for anyone whose experiences were similar to mine.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-38429623838835030682010-11-27T09:45:00.000-08:002010-11-27T10:46:55.441-08:00#207: What do you know? This issue's pretty good...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFnsizID8zlvoiQhtjtvrUIW0yFs2wlocFgW3qt319x3Q96o-zfQ0SY-aPU8g_VuV61fqiK7bDcKesHWzsdZmYNZ03efcaoNBljNJ88zizdMAlM5UY9x19M23UGKor_elwPmsY/s1600/db_CRACK2071.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFnsizID8zlvoiQhtjtvrUIW0yFs2wlocFgW3qt319x3Q96o-zfQ0SY-aPU8g_VuV61fqiK7bDcKesHWzsdZmYNZ03efcaoNBljNJ88zizdMAlM5UY9x19M23UGKor_elwPmsY/s400/db_CRACK2071.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544301148196186114" /></a><br /><br />October 1984<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Michael at the height of his Living Fame. It's a fun cover. Kind of fades into strange blue figures after Boy George but still cool. Now, of course, a Pop Star is not the same thing as a character in a TV show. How much can you parody from someone who released a big, big, big album but wasn't appearing on TV every week in their own show? Well, you go after the videos, you go after their commercials, you go after their personality. Michael later in the decade would have been a lot wackier. But, this issue, oddly enough for this time, is actually quite good. Join me...<br /><br />POSTER: Pink border. Pink heart. I [heart] the Jackson 5<br />1. Reggie<br />2. Jessie<br />3. Kate<br />4. Glenda<br />5. Stonewall<br /><br />The heck! Those aren't The Jackson 5! You guys!!<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Lem E. See, ppppf r der" Hi, Lem. Welcome to the magazine.<br />Here's an odd thing...One of the little pictures on the side is from the "Opposite Page" of the Hold-Ups. Interesting.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - August 7th. "What's Wrong With This Cover" Contest Winner - Ryan Ruggles from Camarillo, CA! Cool...Mills & Baker Burger are now Official CRACKED Reporters. Worst joke? "Dear CRACKED, After FUTURE INSECT MONSTER MOVIES comes true as you predict, can insects on TV be far behind? Frank Sommers Sun City, Ariz." "Dear Frank, Nope, In fact, we heard there's a special planned entitled BEETLE OF THE NETWORK STARS (ant we're gnat ashamed of that gag either!).<br /><br />IF MICHAEL JACKSON HAD STARRED IN...: Michael in everything! "ET" & "The A-Team" & "Star Trek"...Of course, Michael was with The A-Team in the last issue but he didn't have a Mohawk...He's a Vulcan on Star Trek and they meet Boy George. It's filled with entertaining chicanery of the sort that CRACKED Dutch Rubs on your ass in every issue. Now, the puns are out in force here..."Here you go, Mr. Spock." "A tube of Poligrip? What do I want with this?" "Someone told me that the captain's bridge was loose." This stuff is fun but Oh, the puns!!<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really men it this time, for sure!) PART XXVI: 4 pages of yuks and waiters dancing through the air and Rosie Grier in overalls and Charlie Chan and it's good stuff, as always.<br /><br />THE '84 OLYMPICS GO COMMERCIAL: Everything Olympics-related has a sponsor. A man with a Bic lighter lights the Olympic flame. And there is a "Free Commercial Plugs Final", which Ronald McDonald wins! The third page has various ads, like Canyon Towels perfect for crying into and "Winners Can be Losers" - a lady with dandruff has won! Very visual bit and pretty amusing. <br /><br />The 1984 Olympics were the ones I watched avidly as a child. I loved all the ads. All part of the fun.<br /><br />CRACKED HOLD-UPS: Wonder Woman and mermaids and old ladies falling into manholes. "STOP! Don't read this page first! The fun starts on the back of this page! Turn back and enjoy the surprise...just for the fun of it!"<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO SWIMMING: 4 pages of OK stuff. It has a nice "Guide" flow. There is a man dressed as a kangaroo and a fat lady. A guy dives into a shark's mouth. Some guys go to the beach. There is a "No Dogs Allowed" sign. So, ugly Bertha-Mae isn't allowed! The backstroke has funniness within it. One guy dives into shallow water and hurts his neck! I wish I'd learned how to swim from this. I just hit the water and swam! No comedy involved...CRACKED please teach me.<br /><br />HUDD & DINI: "How To Soap Carve" leads to a "Take The Money & Run" ripoff. Oh well, Hudd & Dini, take it outside.<br /><br />CRACKED'S TOPSY-TURVY VIDEO GAME PUZZLE PAGE: There's a word puzzle. The words? "Asteroids, Centipede, Defender, Donkey Kong, Frogger, Pac-Man, Pengo, Phoenix, Qix, Turbo" Let's play all of them. There are all sorts of fake goof puzzles. A Maze that grabs your shnuts. "Which of the Pac-Men Below Are Twins?" This only goes for two pages and should last for more. I like it.<br /><br />A CRACKED LOOK AT SUMMER CAMPS: Repeat from #145<br /><br />TALKING EVERYTHING: Talking shoes mean that every morning we can "expect to be greeted by sole-ful comments." Washing machines, boom boxes and wallets they talk. And, they're sassy, like Dee Thomas! The bathroom scale nags your big, phat arse. Diaries have alarms. It's charming and it's a Nutrocker. Enjoy.<br /><br />ONE FINE DAY AT THE BOWLING ALLEY: A guy from Bonz Demolition Co. figures out a way to stop gutter balls. The nut!<br /><br />THE MAKING OF THRILLER: This is a fun article, narrated by Michael. He tells the story of how the classic Thriller video was made. It's a CRACKED LENS-style article. Michael talks. And, we see assorted stills (Herman Munster, Barnabas Collins, dancers, marching bands, Bob Hope) that relate Michael's story. This is a six page bit and it works. It's just the standard sort of article that CRACKED does well linked to the Absolute Magnificence of Pop Culture at the time. Well done, CRACKED.<br /><br />THE WISH: Wacky art and a strange, almost grotesque, closing panel. But, a good gag.<br /><br />CRACKED'S SUREFIRE EXCUSE KITS: All right, well, this one has a lot of text. One big drawing for each kit with all sorts of arrows and explanations and craziness and it's OK. "Dog Ate My Term Paper Excuse Kit" You get a partially chewed-up paper, fake claw marks and band aids, X-ray of your dog showing paper in tummy, reference pages that show you did your research. It's stuff like that. There's a "Ran out of gas" and a "Flat Tire Excuse Kit" and others. It's OK but a bit overdone for my tastes.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE LEMONADE KING: Repeat from #129<br /><br />SHUT-UPS: <br />1 - Lefty!<br />2 - Jack!<br />3 - Magna Carta<br /><br />Lefty Jack & King John signed the Magna Carta in 1215.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Cool drawing. Great Moments In Sports. The invention of Sky Diving in Monga Wanga circa 304,787 BC.<br /><br />I like this issue. It moves and it's fun. The stuff that works outnumbers the bombing moments...Is this a new upturn in the Final Sproul days of CRACKED? Or is it the Last Gasp? Let's look ahead...<br /><br />Next issue: The Return of The Awesome Action Hero!Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-2846628558487015422010-11-26T11:35:00.001-08:002010-11-26T12:48:04.555-08:00CRACKED #206: This one was inevitable<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjmh2xZJSsqnPtYtFMRyJVmKnH_442HjnT0_qeKWAVyMHqCeko6KcYjXffV_N-cFDNy627gbPwipwzWxE6wCpz3Vlce4Rk7TomTncdJY-INd3sMOOtFfDrOQqnUoHy-smx1QNd/s1600/db_CRACK2061.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjmh2xZJSsqnPtYtFMRyJVmKnH_442HjnT0_qeKWAVyMHqCeko6KcYjXffV_N-cFDNy627gbPwipwzWxE6wCpz3Vlce4Rk7TomTncdJY-INd3sMOOtFfDrOQqnUoHy-smx1QNd/s400/db_CRACK2061.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543944365448305314" /></a><br /><br />September 1984<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Hey! The magazine's a dollar. How long has that been going on? Back at #127, it was 50 cents. Comedy is expensive, folks. Just ask The Sprouls.<br /><br />Again, why is there nothing in the background here? Regardless, Sylvester combining Michael and Mr. T is cool and, yes, I did buy this issue when it came out.<br /><br />POSTER: Pee Yellow! "Everybody Makes Makes Mistakes" Do they ever! That yellow is killing me but the jokes are delightful.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Marcus Absent, pruf rdddddr" Did they do that one before? 9 Writers! This issue should be hilarious.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: More "CRACKED Reporters", another Fan club message and the next issue on sale July 3rd. James Melberg loves their UPC code. <br /><br />THE A-A-A-Y-Y TEAM: Wow. They loved this show. Michael Jackson's silver glove has gone missing and he's hired the A-A-etc. Team to get it back. Mr. T counts Michael's 8 Grammys. They run around a lot. There's chaos and, in the end, they save the day...and, oddly enough, the panels on the final page are all on a giant stamp (No. 78). Like the other A-Team bits, this moves fast and has some fun in it. I don't think there are any new jokes about the show here but the addition of Michael makes it worth a read.<br /><br />CRACKED HOLD-UPS!: Again...great...Find some light. Take this page. Hold it up. Do not place directly in flame<br /><br />CRACKED LOOKS AT COMPUTERS: "Computers will change the way the world goes about its business..." Gangsters shoot computers for squealing. Computers have their own Christmas parties. They go on strike. Dracula will get his own computer to find people with certain blood types. The Pentagon has "Original", "Duplicate" and "Triplicate" computers. Couples that aren't talking to each other speak by computer. And, of course, there will be "A computer that helps select the right computer for computer customers". It's almost right about the way computers work now but it's got that little CRACKED Twist that gets me downstairs, if you know what I mean.<br /><br />FUTURE INSECT MONSTER MOVIES: Repeat from #125 and THOSE CRACKED MONSTERS.<br /><br />HUDD & DINI: Fake Pools! Those goofs got caught out again!<br /><br />SNIDE GUIDE TO CAMPING: I don't mean to be a jerk but this looks like an article from the late 50's, early 60's. I don't know where exactly it's from but, boy, it feels like a repeat. However, as I can't prove it...There are jokes about setting up tents, pup tents, (it's filled with dogs) and bear attacks. There is a CRACKED catalog for campers page. A sleeping bag is an enormous bag. The 12-Piece Food Mooching Kit is used to get free food from fellow campers. It's like that and it's pretty good. At three pages, actually, it feels like it doesn't quite really get rolling, which is strange for CRACKED.<br /><br />WORD PLAY: "Walk Around The Block" is the best. "Broadway" is pretty close, too. Love this bit. Although, some of them seem like cheating or, maybe, I'm just bad at them. "Broadway" is great and it seems like cheating.<br /><br />THE ABC'S OF VIDEO: Hmmm...I got a little tired just looking at this one. 4-line poems about video games for each letter of the alphabet with wacky pictures included. I read it and then lost interest and then started again...Let me pick my two favorites:<br />"J is for the joystick<br />That you move around and 'round.<br />Ever wonder why you've scored so low?<br />You're joystick's upside down!"<br />A dumb kid drinking Space Cola goofs up, big time.<br /><br />"Xmas is a time of love<br />And for sermons by Pastor Pav.<br />But most of all it's the time of the year<br />To get games that you don't have."<br />A kid is sitting on Santa's lap. He says "I want any, but mostly all of the 37 games on this list." I think Santa is giving us a look. I love the way the poem uses the name "Pastor Pav". That's some fine rhyming, everyone.<br /><br />ONE LATE AFTERNOON IN A BUTCHER SHOP: Funny one-pager. Comedy Poultry...Find It Here!<br /><br />IF KIDS TOOK OVER COMPLETELY: I never wanted to take over completely when I was a kid. I just waned to have fun. Was that so wrong? This article is exactly what you'd think...grown-ups have to be home by 10 and in bed by 11...supermarkets would no longer sell brussel sprouts and spinach...streets would have names like "Mick Jagger Drive" and "Lois Lane"...water fountains dispense cola...wow...this goes on for three pages...Mr. T becomes president. (This drawing of Mr. T is pretty hilarious. It looks like Burt Reynolds with a Mohawk.)...Kids get better allowances and all that sort of thing. It's not an article that really grabs me because it's so obvious. But, please, read it and tell me if I'm crazy. Maybe this kicks arse...?<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXV: A giant spider. Awesome! "Quick! Who in here's had the highest score on 'Centipede'?" I laughed. Nice to see it back. Four pages of good goofs with fun on your foot!<br /><br />THE CRACKED WORLD OF MUSIC: Michael Jackson for President instead of "Jessie [sic] Jackson". A couple of really gross people play loud music in their apartment. One kid thinks that everyone is watching Empty TV. But, it's M-TV! Oh yeah! A guy named Vinnie wears an "I [heart] Pasta" shirt. The older generation still hates that rock and roll! A girl is taken to see "the Police" on her birthday. Squaresville, Baby!<br /><br />MORE PRESS MISTAKES!: It's funny. "He put reserved signs on the seats of all of the important guests." A fellow is shown putting "Reserved" signs on people's big fat butts! "Your carpet dealer can be found if you get your yellow pages, and start looking under rugs." You can guess what the lady's doing here. I like this article.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE HAMBURGER KING: Boy, this one feels like a repeat, too. It's the Old-Style Nanny and there's a political joke at the end that feels dated but...I'm having a tough time gauging who the political figure is so I could be wrong. If anyone can tell me if this is a repeat, that would be great. But, until then..Mr. Mac Dandy own The Hamburger King and he rips everybody off with cheap meat and all sorts of chicanery...Nanny talks to him, gives him the guff right back and then meets Randy MacDandy, their clown. It's a swift five page goof on fast food. Fun.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Dump<br />2 - Orbit<br />3 - Juliet<br /><br />There's wisdom in those words.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Great Moments in Politics...Oh, those dictators!<br /><br />Well, it was a CRACKED journey. I'm just nagged by the fact that I'm missing some of the repeated material here. But, this issue isn't a bad one. It's average CRACKED and that's all I needed then and it's all we're getting now.<br /><br />Next issue: More of the same.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-10897684817532361672010-11-25T10:33:00.000-08:002010-11-26T11:34:47.742-08:00CRACKED #205: Thank God, it's Webster!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj94IWbchCqOVjcIYKBbhTYS852lzyeSEzUHtVpjlFDAd9lODYBrg0YHAHiH7nRPfcPRHdVXv5hPuCbfMljm7JlTWnlgeWJZ7zqJzzvdsrfcRxJUCXReU0KlBYc6FSE2uaULGHH/s1600/db_CRACK2051.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj94IWbchCqOVjcIYKBbhTYS852lzyeSEzUHtVpjlFDAd9lODYBrg0YHAHiH7nRPfcPRHdVXv5hPuCbfMljm7JlTWnlgeWJZ7zqJzzvdsrfcRxJUCXReU0KlBYc6FSE2uaULGHH/s320/db_CRACK2051.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543942894059340898" /></a><br /><br />August 1984<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Hey! Webster and Diff'rent Strokes were kind of similar! I never thought of that. I do wonder why they couldn't have put something behind or around them, like a boxing ring and a crowd. I guess with the white background that places Arnold & Webster right into the CRACKED world. If it were more elaborate, it would be CRACKED in someone else's world. Yeah, that makes sense, doesn't it? Yeah...<br /><br />POSTER: Nicely drawn and shaded. "In Case of Emergency...Break Glass" Sylvester is behind the glass dressed as Mr. T.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Mr. T. is in this issue. "Jhon Smiht, prrfff rdr rdr" 4 writers on this issue.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Another CRACKED Fan Club Secret Message...I guess I would have been pissed if I sent away to the CRACKED Fan Club and then discovered that these messages were nothing but bad jokes. But, isn't there a chance that that's all they are? Well...Next issue...May 29th. I would have been 11! There is a list of kids names. The "Official CRACKED Reporters"...Lucky.<br /><br />WEBFOOT: I owned this issue and I remember this bit. Some entertaining jokes about Webfoot being so small. Catrine's hair goes crazy. Webfoot has a Mr. T doll. And, someone is pulling pranks around the house...it's not Webfoot. After we learn our Weekly Lesson, we find out that it's Arnold Drummond! He's jealous of Webfoot...Didn't Arnold do this in a previous issue's parody? <br /><br />What was with the Lesson Teaching in rotten sitcoms of this time? Webster, The Facts of Life & Diff'rent Strokes really strike me as the greatest offenders. The comedy wasn't funny and we had to sit through a lesson. What audacity on the part of bad writers..."My jokes aren't funny but I'm qualified to give you a life lesson." Get the hell out of my house!<br /><br />HOW TO EAT BETTER FOR LESS MONEY: Repeat from #151<br /><br />CRACKED HOLD-UPS: Snow, skating, UFOs and portages...Comedy! I do like this bit. I wish I could have you over to the house and we could hold it up to the light together...I wonder it that "Don't You Feel Stupid" bit is coming back.<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO JOGGING: Repeat from #146<br /><br />HUDD & DINI: The two convicts go to scuba diving school! They go underwater and get eaten by a fake shark! Back to jail! Is the Scuba Diving School in the jail? Is that a good recreation activity for a group of convicts? The Sea has its own laws, I guess.<br /><br />IF TV SHOW WERE COMBINED: Now, the issue is picking up. Here we go...<br /><br />"The A-Team and Webster" - A Hoedown of Hilarity<br />"Knight Rider and AfterMASH" - Comedy Ahoy!<br />"Lottery & Dynasty" - The Das Boot of Parodies<br />60 Minutes and The Dukes of Hazaard" - Death by Comedy! Can CRACKED be arrested for this?<br />"Dallas and Diff'rent Strokes" - J. Er, Sewer Ellen and Arnold...Love it! It's nice to see Dallas in here. At this point, they were deep in their #1 or #2 struggle with Dynasty. I love Dallas.<br /><br />GODZILLA TOURS WASHINGTON D.C.: Funny one-pager with a clever final panel. Nice.<br /><br />VIDEO NIGHTMARES: Oh no! We see kids sleeping and their nightmares...Joey is going to set the new record when his baby brother pulls the plug! And, then the baby boy puts the plug in his mouth! Awesome! A girl is given 500 quarters but the arcades are closed due to the "Lithuanian Pizza Baking Holiday"! Oh, the Lithuanians! One boy loses his thumbs. It's a fun article that has a few real smiles in it and is chaotic enough to carry you through the four pages. And, of course, it's video game stuff.<br /><br />THE THREE MOOSEKATEERS: A parody of The Three Musketeers that's pretty good. Pathos, Quartious and Sid fight some evil folks and they joke a lot...and there's a giant hand and a giant "SPLAT!" "One for ALL and the rest of us use TIDE!" "You drive a hard bargain." "No, I don't. I drive a '62 Palamino." It moves along nice. I don't love it but it's got it's charms. I do like when they go outside of the Present Pop Culture and wander around so..read it. Would ya, please?<br /><br />THE CRACKED HOME COMPUTER I.Q. TEST: CRACKED, teach me. Lots of questions. A bunch of stills. Several stills from "The Lords of Flatbush". Someone at CRACKED must have known someone who made that film. Anyway...<br />A few sample questions:<br />5) Dig Dug is<br />a)Ronald Reagan's pet name for Nancy<br />b)A home computer game<br />c)Both A and B.<br /><br />12) What is output?<br />a) What an angry mother tells her son to do with the garbage<br />b) What American workers are paid to produce, but don't because they're too busy taking coffee breaks.<br /><br />21) What is a CPU?<br />a) The wrong way of spelling CUP<br />b) The person your father goes to on April 15 to do his income tax<br /><br />29) According to studies, which member of your family will most likely NOT use your new home computer?<br />a) Juanita your Spanish maid<br />b) Fluffy your whitehaired poodle<br />c) Larry, your brother who got lost in the jungles of the Arctic and has not been heard from since 1943<br />d) Anyone who didn't chip in $40 to buy it<br /><br />It goes like that. As you read, it's a mix of "Hey, that's pretty good" and some not-so-pretty-goods. But, I say, read it and try it.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE ROCK 'N' ROLL KING: Repeat from #153<br /><br />SHUT-UPS: <br />1 - Al & The Burglars<br />2 - Gail & The Bumpers<br />3 - Fat Don & The Plank!<br /><br />Always grand.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Repeat from #154<br /><br />Well, the new bits are decent. The repeats are fun. But, they're still repeats so that's not so good. I don't know. When I was a kid, I remember loving this issue. As an adult, it doesn't feel like it ever gets started. Well, we are truly winding down now. Let's see where we go next.<br /><br />Next issue: All right! Let's keep the Pop culture Team-Ups Cooking!Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-12935180325570558482010-11-21T12:37:00.000-08:002010-11-21T13:33:44.556-08:00CRACKED #204: Hey! That skeleton's eating a sandwich!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE0tQJcMPeWqJcXFY8hpQI5-ChImXJ7-iMoZEcbJQyG5aCzUJ1eh3wq7QZzhQnhWnwI2adYZ9Fy5BQUrVwisfrnpbZ_7vB3Q5ncfSRR53ox9G2mGB5xV-ac7D7PoZ_LwZSCaJp/s1600/db_CRACK2041.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE0tQJcMPeWqJcXFY8hpQI5-ChImXJ7-iMoZEcbJQyG5aCzUJ1eh3wq7QZzhQnhWnwI2adYZ9Fy5BQUrVwisfrnpbZ_7vB3Q5ncfSRR53ox9G2mGB5xV-ac7D7PoZ_LwZSCaJp/s320/db_CRACK2041.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5542117747297225138" /></a><br /><br />July 1984<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Great cover. I would have loved to have won the painting in this contest. I was buying issues at this time but I don't remember this one. Maybe I didn't buy it because there was no Pop Culture Junk on the cover. It's just a classic goofy Severin painting. It's too bad that almost a third of the cover is made up of the white header. Let me tell you real quick...Don't bowl in the street. Don't fish in the sewer. And, don't...DO NOT...put a saddle on a pig.<br /><br />You'd think that was something everyone would just know not to do.<br /><br />POSTER: THE CRACKED EYE CHART. Black on white. No pee yellow here! Funny sight gag.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Imogene is back as pruuuuf fder. I see Gary Coleman. And...I see a still from the Laurel & Hardy short The Finishing Touch. I saw that on the big screen in 1996. Hilarious stuff. Why remind people of hilarious things in this issue...unless, this issue is going to be hilarious...Do it, guys and gals!<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - April 17th. What were your three favorite TV shows from this time? Mine were Manimal, The Rousters and Manimal. Have I already said Manimal?<br /><br />MAGDUMB P.I.: Not a show I used to watch but this is a good parody. It all takes place around the place where Magdumb lives. Two guys show up to ransom off Magdmub and then the other guys at the wherever it is where they all live. It's a fast-moving parody with a couple of laughs that works because it's in real time and all stays around the same spot. I enjoyed this. It isn't going to send me out to watch the show but it was breeze of a read.<br /><br />CRACKED HOLD-UPS!: Still surprising. A scientist with a tail. A robot eating nails. And gals running and lifting their skirts. Great stuff.<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BASKETBALL: Repeat from #142<br /><br />THE A-TEAM WAY OF DOING THINGS: It's like one of those Fonz articles from so long ago. "The normal way of entering a house." A kid yells "Mom, I'm home." The A-Team way...Mr. T bursts through the door! They're mostly like that. Whereas you or I might not destroy everything we come in contact with, there's a good chance that The A-Team might. Basically, that's the whole three pages...You might take garbage out to a garbage can. The A-Team packs it into a cannon and shoots it at their neighbors.<br /><br />YOU CAN WIN: It's the Enter the "What's Wrong With The Cover?" Contest! page. And, again, it goes to Madeira Beach, Fla. 2nd and 3rd prizes: Atari Video Games!<br /><br />WORD PLAY: A frozen "FEET" is "Cold Feet". ARMS/ ARM/ AR/ M is "Arms Reduction". RUB spelled backwards is "Rub the Wrong Way". Love this article.<br /><br />DON'T YOU HATE IT AT THE MOVIES:<br />"...when your shoes stick to the floor to the point where you simply think about leaving them there instead of wearing them?"<br />"...waiting hours in line and the show gets sold out right before you get a ticket?"<br />"...getting caught in the middle of a straw wrapper war?"<br />"...when half of your malted milk balls are hollow and stale?"<br />"...when the snack bar counter is greasy from popcorn butter?" <br />"...that your hot dog is half the size of your hot dog bun?"<br />"...when a couple in your row decide to re-enact their own version of 'Romeo and Juliet'?"<br />"...when the only vacant set is in the front row?"<br />"...sitting next to a guy who laughs at parts that no one else think is funny?" (Slasher Alert!)<br />"...when the only vacant seat in the hose happens to be behind a professional basketball player?"<br />"...when the missing letters on the marquee make it impossible to figure out what's playing?" ("Y_CA_N__DA_U__SE" & "T_A___K__BD___GHT")<br /><br />For some reason, I felt like writing it all down. Make your own decision on quality. The art is fine.<br /><br />THE MORE THINGS CHANGE THE MORE THEY REMAIN THE SAME: "In The Past"...."Over The Years"..."Nevertheless..." It's an OK bit. It's rather MAD-like. But, it goes on for four pages and that's too long for me. It's not that great. One example: "In the past man traveled at a snail's pace." We see a Biblical-era man walking. "Over the years man invented faster and faster forms of transportation." A train shoots along a track. "Nevertheless, man still travels at a snail's pace." Traffic jam!!! It's all right. Not a great bit but all right.<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXIV: Four pages of fun...but there is that L&H still. Makes me think I could be watching those guys and enjoying them rather than tripping trough the uneven world of CRACKED.<br /><br />ALAFFIN'S MAGIC LAND: If this ain't a repeat, it should be. Kid rubs the lamp. Genie flies out. The kid and his two friends want to be a big rock group. You take it from there...<br /><br />THE GARY COLEMAN WORKOUT BOOK FOR KIDS: Not the funniest bit but it is nice to see Gary Coleman again. Gary lifts a 30 lb. salami over his head and then takes a bite. He stretches his arms to get the cookie jar. He uses the Video Pushaway at the arcade. It's kind of an underdrawn article but it's worth a read.<br /><br />CAT GIFTS FOR CATS WHO HAVE EVERYTHING: Two pages of fun (mostly famous) cats hanging out with their cool stuff. "Imported French Fleas" "Fridge With Private Door For Tabby" "Curtained Kitty Litter Box" A "Cat Sampler" that reads "Every dog has his day but the nights are reserved for cats."<br /><br />HUDD & DINI: They try to escape...but they don't make it!! Gorillas are involved.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE OLYMPIC TRAINING KING: Repeat from Issue #136.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - No Cable TV on a deserted island!<br />2 - The Ten O'Clock News<br />3 - Hang that jerk from the hanging post!<br /><br />Best bit here is the little drawing on top. Dracula, as a bat, flies into his castle and finds that a cat is using the soil in his coffin as a litter box. it's fun.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Great Moments in Safety...Og Bog Almost Invents The Life Preserver...But, he doesn't. Not really.<br /><br />This one didn't turn out to be high hilarity. Well, all the attempts at crazy satire from two issues ago and all the attempts at new twists on old jokes are gone. We have returned to the old world of CRACKED. And, frankly, it's sort of boring me. The repeats aren't helping either.<br /><br />Not a bad issue. Not a great issue.<br /><br />Next issue: Hey! There's a combination!Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-58845879332365158212010-11-19T08:45:00.000-08:002010-11-19T10:03:16.626-08:00CRACKED #203: Sylvester Looks Good...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8eKE7BzLp4CX6_jm15J8LEL8XaVyCyk1lq871nnekMGyDfk4UeIpzLhcW8wqd4MwC8zNDXGnF5Ip-caSqKEstVJt9Em5dA0mDM6uwMecQmDNpjhcc6D13coaR2GoT3JlZ_dwV/s1600/db_CRACK2031.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8eKE7BzLp4CX6_jm15J8LEL8XaVyCyk1lq871nnekMGyDfk4UeIpzLhcW8wqd4MwC8zNDXGnF5Ip-caSqKEstVJt9Em5dA0mDM6uwMecQmDNpjhcc6D13coaR2GoT3JlZ_dwV/s320/db_CRACK2031.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541320481148857810" /></a><br /><br />May 1984<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />It says "The A-Team" but we know it's Mr. T. I wonder if they ever covered the Mr. T Animated Series? It's an odd cover because it's not much of a joke. Sylvester beats Mr. T at arm wrestling? Is that actually funny? Or is it something else...<br /><br />No, I think it's meant to be funny.<br /><br />POSTER: Pee Yellow and Black! The room is condemned! Your room! Oh no! This one seems like a "We've had this one sitting around for years. Let's use it now." one.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Manuel Writa, prfffffff rdr Mr. T...dressed as a woman? Awesome.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - March 6th. They are offering a chance to become an Official CRACKED Reporter - List your three favorite TV shows and win a chance to have your name appear in CRACKED. Odd...the address is in Madeira Beach, FL. Did B. Sproul leave NYC for Florida? As cliche as it sounds, that may have been what happened. Of course, that's just a guess.<br /><br />THE A-A-AYY TEAM: This parody is awesome because of all the video game stuff. Someone is fixing all the video games at Glade Arcade down at the Scubby Doo Celebrity Mall so kids win tons of free games and never lose. Star Raiders, MACH 3 and Q*Bert get a mention. Excellent. I was wondering how they would justify another A-Team bit so soon after the last ones. Mix in Video Games! Video Games and Mr. T = A Formula For CRACKED Success. Of course, by early 1984, we had experienced the video game crash of 1983 so the First Round of Video Games was fading. But, hey, CRACKED is CRACKED when it's CRACKED! The article does end by admitting that Mr. T is everywhere, as it should be.<br /><br />CRACKED GUIDE TO WINTER SPORTS: Excellent one. Maybe it's because I like Winter Sports, I don't know. But, this one has a fun announcer who takes us from Skiing to Ice Fishing to Sledding to Ice Skating to Duck Hunting to Heavy Petting (On The Couch). The jokes are older than ever but this one moves very fast. Not having to focus on one sport means that when they run out of old jokes...they go on to the next bit.<br /><br />CRACKED HOLD-UPS!: Still great times. The bottom one where the golfer says "What's par for this course?" is kickass. This is a good addition to the magazine's regular articles.<br /><br />HOW THE ADS OF TOMORROW WILL EXPLOIT THE ENERGY CRISIS: Repeat from #168, except they've changed the Cadillac Cub model to a 1984.<br /><br />DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID: Well, this one's less of a great regular article. Spelling words wrong, breaking knobs off of TV sets, splattering ketchup everywhere...it's an encyclopedia of things to make you feel stupid...Did they do a CRACKED Collectors' Edition of "Stupids"?<br /><br />THE CRACKED HISTORY OF THE AUTOMOBILE: Repeat from #167.<br /><br />WORD PLAY: Still a breath of fresh air (that feels like it's in the wrong magazine) in the center of a now-uneven publication. Breaking A Promise! Awesome!<br /><br />THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE: Fun article that feels like it might be a repeat. (Two reasons: 1) mention of Farrah Fawcett & 2) a guy calls himself a "clone" - CRACKED circa '77-'78.) But, I don't remember it from anywhere else. "Look at the problem in the left panel. Can you figure out what you should have done beforehand to have prevented it?" The first one has a left panel with a wife, husband and son staring at their burnt-down house. Then, you flip the magazine and the left panel shows the boy throwing away his Chemistry Set. Stuff like that. I applaud CRACKED here. They are using the same old jokes but putting them in a different format. The activity of turning the magazine every few seconds makes this article memorable, even if the jokes are not of the highest caliber. I do love the house in the swamp. How would you live there? And, as always, the closer is a really bored kid...who should have bought CRACKED!<br /><br />AFTER M*U*S*H: No 10 in the Ratings of the 1983-1984 season. Ironically, the Network put it up against its issue mate, The A-Team, and Mr. T and pals wiped the floor with After Mash. So, my first thought of "Why this show?" is answered (the high ratings thing). I only vaguely remember watching this show. What's funnier that the show or this parody is a bit from Not Necessarily The News on HBO. "First, there was MASH. Then, there was After MASH. Now..." We see two Koreans standing in and empty field. "Before MASH!" One turns to the other and says "When are they going to get here?" Best MASH parody joke ever!<br /><br />THE CRACKED HUMOR QUIZ: It's THE CRACKED LENS where you pick what goes in the word balloon...Again, another tweak on the format. Each movie still gets three possibles...yes, Henry Winkler appears in a still from The Lords of Flatbush. Oddly enough, the word balloon covers (I think) Stallone's face. It's fun to do this quiz once and then carry on...But, The CRACKED LENS was the one part of this mazagine's format that didn't need tweaking. So, enjoy and carry on to Nanny.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE 3-D KING: Nanny's breasts are at her largest in this article. Possibly something to do with 3-D. I would go see the 3-D film called "The Bean That Attacked Boston". Sidney Schlock is the 3-D King and he is preparing E.T. 3-D...hmmm, why does this sound topical? People have troubles with the glasses and...there is a strange typo where Nanny mentions the film "Robotron - The Killer Robot Who Wasn't Very Nice" and we see the poster that says "Robot Man - The Killer Robot Who Wasn't Nice." However, the audience's reaction to 3-D toothpaste is awesome and worth the price of admission. Five pages of fun 3-D gags. Odd that they love monsters so much but kept so far from slashers. I bring that up because I was a kid who loved both and this was when I bought the magazine... An article on kids trying to sneak into the slashers or hearing secondhand stories about them would have been fun.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Jail<br />2 - Cola<br />3 - NASA<br /><br />Total - Janasa Cola, PhD!<br /><br />BACK COVER: One Afternoon in the Big City...Great one-pager. It has a video game punchline, which I love. But, what's with the colors? Pee Yellow background. All text in black. And, the panels are a sort of baby blue...Strange.<br /><br />Well, they are trying to do some new twists on old material. And, they have found a new subject to base a lot of their covers around. But, we'll have to see. Most of this issue is Average CRACKED. The tweaks do give me a feeling that are thinking about ways to keep folks reading but will it be enough? What's up for the next issue?<br /><br />NEXT ISSUE: Keeping it fun.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-76150994934754129002010-11-18T08:47:00.000-08:002010-11-18T11:00:33.271-08:00CRACKED #202: One of the oddest issues I've seen<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjjjDo0iAC6NMRPV0X0P9Q7Ki2iFb9x2fO0uLUQth7iQamceWHI5TtOrUNeu122ey0CEI-wRdoReCXsaW9Ast2L15rm9IuYv54oMMsyvA1c8hXUw0Ma6rsIOqVD6XpgZ-7JY3r/s1600/db_CRACK2021.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjjjDo0iAC6NMRPV0X0P9Q7Ki2iFb9x2fO0uLUQth7iQamceWHI5TtOrUNeu122ey0CEI-wRdoReCXsaW9Ast2L15rm9IuYv54oMMsyvA1c8hXUw0Ma6rsIOqVD6XpgZ-7JY3r/s400/db_CRACK2021.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540962692259085106" /></a><br /><br />March 1984<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />But, of course, it came out in mid-December 1983. I was 10. Christmas Vacation began. We went to the supermarket in Irondequoit (Wegmans) and I scoured the magazine racks for...Oh yes!The new CRACKED and there's a Christmas reference on the back! My mom had a mini-van. My Mom, my sister and I were driving around town as she ran last minute errands before the holiday celebrations kicked in. I'm sure I was hoping for some awesome gift of some sort (probably several) but I don't remember what it might have been. When my Mom and my sister went into one store, I sat in the mini-van. I remember that it was snowing. I remember that it was very cold. I sat, nestled into a seat, almost as happy as a boy could be, and read CRACKED #202. And, I loved it--- all of it. It was perfect. <br /><br />We got home later that afternoon. Fire in the fireplace. Waiting for the USA Cartoon Express to start up. They'd been showing Christmas things. Maybe there was something Holiday-esque on that night. But, I do know, with hot cocoa in hand, I read #202 again and again...And, although it barely touched on the holiday, it was Christmas to me that year. <br /><br />And now, some-odd years later...I'm reviewing the issue for whatever it is this is...Oh, Pierre L.! Where has the time gone? Well, let's dive in and see what we see.<br /><br />The cover was great. #200 had MAD stuff on it. Two issues later...they're really going after them. I wonder if I would have seen this as a kid and thought "Hey! It's MAD! Oh wait..." It's such a sparse cover, though. MAD still had those elaborate covers. This is just the Mad to Cracked bit and a picture of an orangutan in a suit. "Mr. Smith!" I watched that show. Mr. Smith was in politics. And, the show bombed in the ratings and was canceled three days after this issue came out. So, when I bought it, it would have been off the schedule already...That's comedy!<br /><br />POSTER: DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME reading this poster because it doesn't say anything. CRACKED! You've shanked me in the Funny Bone! And, I'm bleeding mirth!<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Rhoda Book - pru rrrrder Lots of writers and artists on this issue. 10 and 7, respectively.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The "Statement of Ownership etc." is here...Total issues per month for 1983: 579,728. Boy, check out my post from 07/24/10. In 1975, they were doing a million a month. Now, they're down to half that. Why did I love it so much at this time? Why did I watch Mr. Smith? Next issue - January 24th, 1984. I was in 5th grade. Sylvester with a Mohawk in the lettuce! What's next?<br /><br />THE DAY MR. SMYTH SAVED KNUT RIDER: Classic CRACKED parody. Bad puns, big panels and not too much to read to slow things down. There is something almost perverse about teaming a hit show with a show that is 72 hours from leaving the air forever...but that's the "Jaws-3D" era of CRACKED for you. This one has a nice goofy flow to it and...an awesome twist at the end...Conold Drumming and Webfoot have hacked into KITTY (Mr. Knut's car) and is making it go kooky. That's why they call in Mr. Smith. Did you like the way I backed the plot in there? This was one of my favorite parodies as a kid...I still like it.<br /><br />CRACKED HOLD-UPS: Again, they are rather hostile but oh so funny. Page 13 has the set-up. Hold it up to light and page 14 gives us the kicker! King Kong, vampires and guillotines await!<br /><br />WHEN THE WORLD RUNS OUT OF SPACE: Repeat from Issue #127. But, missing Page Four, the one where the government tries to convince everyone to kill themselves. <br /><br />PRODUCTS THAT JUST MISSED!: This is as great as the Tamper-Proof packaging bit from the previous issue. Samwell House Coffee "It's good to the NEXT to the last drop!" 6UP didn't make it because of one lousy "UP". Radio dinners bombed. The "Fair Humor" Ice Cream bar tanked. Really Cigarettes put the filter in the center. Heins 56....No dice! And, my favorite, the "Baby Irving" Candy bar. Great article.<br /><br />THE CRACKED WORLD OF OWNING YOUR OWN PHONE: Three pages of strips about cordless phones (one funny bit has a Mom hunting everywhere for the phone) and installing phone booths in your living room and taping you wife's yap shut to keep the phone bill down! I love the bit about the kid who is late getting home from a friend's house. His friend has a special sound effects machine that plays while they're on the phone. It has "Airport", "Taxidermist", "Dentist", "Bus Depot", "Health Spa" and "CRACKED". The kid hit dentist but I always wished he hit CRACKED...what did they sound like? ("Can I use a 'Woe not Woah' joke in this issue?" "We did that last time." "Gotcha. What about a 'gorilla of my dreams' bit?" "We did that two or three issues ago!")<br /><br />ONE AFTERNOON AT A COMPANY PICNIC: And the oddness appears..Don Orehek, who's been with CRACKED for years...does this one-page bit that looks exactly like a one-page MAD bit by Don Martin...down to the art and down to the joke. The Three-Legged race is won by a three-legged man...That's MAD...Or is it something else?<br /><br />YOU KNOW YOU'RE BORING WHEN: Oh, this is still CRACKED. Bill Ward's wacky drawings cover all that boring stuff...your doctor wants to record your voice and prescribe it as a sleep aid...your reflection yawns when you talk...stuff like that. The best part here is the border around the article...tons of yawning and sleepy people. I don't think I even noticed this bit when I was a kid.<br /><br />WORD PLAY: Change of Pace is awesome! Actually, this is my favorite one of these. I didn't get any of them but I like them.<br /><br />ANOTHER SIDE OF LIFE: Now...here's the weirdness...either CRACKED is at its most clever or I'm ill... This is a spot-on parody of Dave Berg's "Lighter Side" articles. It even has one of those bits above the title: "Birdseye View Dept". It even features an appearance by a man who looks a lot like Roger Kaputnik. It starts off calm on the first two pages. The subjects of the strips are Exercise, Diseases, Kids' Cereals and Dating. Then, they start to go goofy. Inflation (Sort of), Accordians[sic], Only Children, Vegetables, Dinosaurs, Bus Breakdowns, Baroque Pianos and Henways. Yeah, this is a parody all right, even down to the rather lame jokes and observations that MAD always had.<br /><br />But...CRACKED has spent so long trying to imitate MAD that when they parody them it feels strange. The bad jokes in here are really not that different from the jokes CRACKED uses in a normal article. The strips subjects are the best part of this. Once you read them, there's almost no point in reading the actual strips. It was a bold move to parody the magazine you've trying to be for 25 years. But, it only goes to show how, at the base, no matter what the tones or structures of the two magazines, they always used the same dumb jokes.<br /><br />As a kid, I don't even think I would have noticed what this article was supposed to be. I would have just thought "They're ripping off MAD again!"<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXIII: Thank goodness! New ones! I love the first one with "Very good class, tomorrow we'll learn to turn our heads to the right." But, on the third page, there's that Marlon Brando in the bath still that they've used before. How new is this one, I wonder?<br /><br />FAMILY TIES: A parody done exactly in the style of MAD. So, it's a parody of a MAD parody of a TV show. It even does that MAD thing where all the main characters are on the first page and there are huge word balloons as they explain themselves. Then, we get six pages of panels filled with word balloons. They abandon the usual CRACKED pun-filled world and go into the slightly more observational land of MAD. And, it's fun. But, I don't know if they meant to force a compare & contrast but the Mr. Smith parody is more fun to read.<br /><br />DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID: More of these! Although, these aren't as hostile as last issue's batch. "When you get up, rush to get ready for school, go into the kitchen and your Mom says it's Saturday?" "When you bend over to tie your shoelace and your pants split?" I don't think I remember seeing this article either.<br /><br />HUDD & DINI: Have these guys been in any of the ones I've done or is this their first appearance? I'm doing a blog search and I don't see them. Odd. They've definitely been here before. Maybe prior to 127? These two wacky convicts get caught and brought back to jail by the Wily Sheriff! It's fun...And, it feels a lot like a variation on Spy Vs. Spy...<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE STUNT KING: Repeat from #128 Nancy at the start. Nanny at the end.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS<br />1 - Aces Moving<br />2 - Ronny Reagan<br />3 - Tiny Lady<br /><br />Why is this so great? I'm pretty sure I went around the rest of the day, back in 1983, telling everyone to Shut-Up in an hilarious manner.<br /><br />Maybe I didn't get any gifts that year?<br /><br />BACK COVER: ONE EVENING AT HOME - Another Orehek parody of a Don Martin thing that seems exactly like a Don Martin thing. Christmas does appear here.<br /><br />What can I say? This issue is alternately Good CRACKED, Mediocre CRACKED and CRACKED at its sharpest. So sharp in its parodies of MAD that it was years before I spotted them as parodies.<br /><br />As a kid, well, this was the best. As an adult, it certainly has its moments. But, it does feel like "A Magazine Divided". What exactly are they getting up to? Maybe the next issue will reveal something? Maybe not...Let's move on.<br /><br />Next Issue: Well, they came back quick.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-42917480051627456272010-11-17T08:55:00.000-08:002010-11-17T11:39:12.339-08:00CRACKED #201: I remember buying this issue<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw3EO6mLdpCuFAxJBm2IiP884xetOc24daTVgxbd9vhL0iwyO-NUXYOXnQtN-uC5eN-MnBQmQpiSLjkwYDmRW57LFMjC9Ta9eqtlkZXNbVdkMgV3BaBpB06gTIo-QbVF0AeOaB/s1600/db_CRACK2011.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw3EO6mLdpCuFAxJBm2IiP884xetOc24daTVgxbd9vhL0iwyO-NUXYOXnQtN-uC5eN-MnBQmQpiSLjkwYDmRW57LFMjC9Ta9eqtlkZXNbVdkMgV3BaBpB06gTIo-QbVF0AeOaB/s400/db_CRACK2011.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540603465764989698" /></a><br /><br />January 1984<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />This one came out at the start of 1983. I was 10. I probably purchased this in Mid-November as Fall was kicking the leaves off the trees and Winter was sneaking up on me in time for Santa's return. So, what that means is this...this issue, regardless of quality, is something I am going to get a kick out of.<br /><br />Loved the Cover as a kid! I've mentioned my journeys with The A-Team before. I only saw, maybe, three or four episodes when it originally aired. (Sorry, I was a MacGyver man.) I read more parodies of them in CRACKED. That's not a bad thing.<br /><br />POSTER: I hung this one on the wall! But, there was too much reading on it. Folks preferred hanging posters with a more immediate kick. There's a big red dot. It's a poster from the (Pee Yellow) State Environmental Commission. Red means air pollution is terrible and that you should evacuate the area immediately. When my Aunt Cindy read the poster and looked at me saying "So, why haven't you evacuated?", I took it down.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: I. Emma Dork - prrf rdr I believe, as a 10-year-old, that that joke would have been the funniest thing I'd seen in ages. Not only did it say "dork" but it was in the official credits of the mazagine.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - December 13th (I really remember this one!) "Dear CRACKED, Loved the cover for #200. It really illustrates how you've been nuking your competition for many years. You're always first to do the hot movies and you're just out to make us laugh instead of depress us. CRACKED is the best magazine in the whole world! -Mary Ozimok Atlanta, GA" "Dear Aunt Mary, Thanks a lot and give my best to Uncle Fed." Elaine Ozimok is our Current Editor. "JAWS" Contest Winners - 1st Prize - Donald Phelps II, Oxnard, CA Congrats, Donald. Although, I think CRACKED may have chosen the wrong summer movie to back but...<br /><br />THE A-A-AYY TEAM: I had hardly watched the show. I still have hardly watched it. So, I didn't get all the jokes and...I still forget that there was a woman in the team. This bit is filled with all the normal super-stale jokes but there are a few good ones. The lady's face as she sings Tomorrow. The old woman holding up the Ban Roll-on: "She's already got protection!" The bad cops with the huge speakers sewn onto their shirts. The bits at the "Run and Torture Amusement Park" always made me smile, especially the three panels through the fun house. And, of course, the final panel where TV cops from the past dress like Mr. T...Columbo looks fine...but Fish and Barney Fife are hysterical!<br /><br />Yeah, I like this bit. The corny jokes are as stale as ever but there are enough moments that make me smile.<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BICYCLE MOTOCROSS: BMX! This one has less of the "caption is translated into bad puns by the drawing" thing. There's a look at a Typical Race Track with "Whoops" and "Ouch" and "Berm" clearly labeled. There are the entertaining "levels". The kid racing around his coffee table makes me laugh. And, this has one really great, great bit...When they're discussing safety....<br />"And since we're on safety: never drink paint." We see a kid with white all around his mouth and holding a can of "Ace White Paint". He says "I thought it was a vanilla milk shake." "It's got nothing to do with BMX, but it is a good safety tip." Fun!<br /><br />Possibly, I am experiencing several levels of nostalgia here. 1) I remember buying this issue from the Wegmans in Irondequoit as we visited relatives. 2) The Holiday Seasons nostalgia of 27 years ago is mixing with the nostalgia of today. That's good Nostalgia! Maybe that's the only way to love this run of issues?<br /><br />CRACKED HOLD-UPS: Love it! You get half of the gag on page 17. Hold it up to light...Page 18 appears and mingles with 17 and there is hilarity. I always liked the lady about to go off the cliff. Strangely hostile article, though. Maybe it's the "Hold-Up" thing. One of these is a hold-up. There's a Police Line-Up. (Line-Ups!) A woman about to fall of a cliff. A car crashing into a house. People stranded on a tiny island. A woman in a cannibal's pot. Still, hostile but yukariffic.<br /><br />WHY IS THERE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR PARENTS AND OTHER KIDS' PARENTS?: Odd title. Because it's one of their "compare & contrast" articles. Your parents on the left being ridiculously strict and "their" parents letting their kids get away with murder. So, the title is more of a rhetorical question attached to the article than a lead-in. Interesting. Examples?...Report Cards: Yours: "So what if both your arms were broken, what's the meaning of this A minus in P.E.?" Theirs: "Let's see. I promised you $5 for each 'A', so that's $2 for the 'D's, right?" Friends: Yours: "But mom, everybody's going to the dance." "I suppose if everybody jumped off a cliff you'd do that too." Theirs: "Mom, we're going to go jump off a cliff." "Have fun, dear." CRACKED is read by the "other" kids in the end. Breezy article. The "cliff" bit is funny but this is neither good nor bad.<br /><br />DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID WHEN: These are rather extreme stupids. "When you rob a bank in New York City and get mugged on the way to the getaway car?" "When you make a perfect somersault dive off the high diving board and then finding out there's no water in the pool?" "When you break your leg while buying a pair of skis?" Stuff like that. The A-Team must have raised the violence level here. Slightly odd article. It just feels a bit off. Tough to describe without typing out the entire thing. I'm not doing that.<br /><br />A CRACKED LOOK AT HOME COMPUTERS: Fun article. Random several panel strips. A "Glossary". And,a few lists and diagrams. A kid is given an actual apple by his parents. A kid watched "Dukes ofa Hazzardosa" for his Italian class (on the computer). A kid gets punched in the head (by the computer). And, a man subtracts 12 from 1500 incorrectly (on the computer). I can't wait to do that CRACKED Collectors' Edition on Video Games. I like the layout of this one. Not so rigid, more casual. This would have appealed to me as a kid.<br /><br />WORD PLAY: It continues to be entertaining and I continue to get none of them right. Watch Out is my favorite.<br /><br />THE ALIEN: Fun one pager. Cool art that gives it a 50's/ 60's sci-fi look mixed with today. And, when I say today, I mean Winter 1983.<br /><br />AND YET ONCE AGAIN STILL MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: Repeat from #161. Will there be new CRACKED Lens before 212?<br /><br />TREE'S COMPANY: Issue #156 was the first Three's Company parody. This one has some sweet Furley in it. There is a joke about a tree with hands. That's a Palm Tree. There is a big food critic going to Jack's restaurant. So, he needs the cast to help him out. Holy Crap! It's wacky! I love the moment when Jerk is shaking Mr. Surly for giving the "critic" cat food and Mr. S turns to us and says "Admit it folks. You haven't seen a great plot like this since The Honeymooners rerun you watched last night." Yes, pointing out how uninspired shows like this can get at the end of the article is now becoming a CRACKED cliche but...This is a charming parody. I like comparing it to the one from five years ago to see what they've done to the show.<br /><br />I'm being very forgiving to this issue. Really, it's no different from the previous ones. The articles have just stayed with me for a very long time.<br /><br />NEW TAMPER-RESISTANT PACKAGING: One of my all-time favorites. It takes tamper-resistant stuff to the extreme. Cigarette packages now have every cigarette separated by plastic. Hermetically sealed toothpicks in little test tubes. Peanuts - "Inside 200 Individual Safety Sealed Peanuts" The best is the Tamper-Proof TV dinner. The top and bottom covers are sealed and popcorn kernels are placed inside the ridges. When it's done cooking, the popcorn pops and blows the top cover off. I like this bit.<br /><br />YOU KNOW YOU'RE SKINNY WHEN...: I could have sworn this was part of a "Skinny/ Fat" article from a past issue but I can't find it. It's just one-page of jokes about automatic doors and being used as a tent post. Strange filler bit. It's not really funny.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE PET STORE KING: Repeat from #144<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Titanic<br />2 - Rest Home<br />3 - Sherlock Holmes<br /><br />NICE!!! But...this really feels like a repeat.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Sagebrush. I applaud using a "Woe not Whoa" joke on your back cover.<br /><br />Yeah, you know, it's not the best issue. It definitely fades in the second half but, in the first half, I was right with it and enjoying myself. I think this might be as good as Latter Day Sproul gets.<br /><br />Next Issue: Oh, the memories!!!Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-4468070617385022632010-11-14T11:33:00.000-08:002010-11-14T13:12:56.386-08:00CRACKED #200!!!!!!: Sticking it to the (Mad) Man!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFcs3O00FADEdnkvX9X7Sglmg9aiocH74wiZgugBCmO3Rv5sHc4YhmBesgalndswkK3YJuzkIpMFIFf-Gn5v-3BpP3yquGElwzTA4dphl1ferfFqI8xaM3r05h_MryJLVo7cdU/s1600/db_CRACK2001.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 238px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFcs3O00FADEdnkvX9X7Sglmg9aiocH74wiZgugBCmO3Rv5sHc4YhmBesgalndswkK3YJuzkIpMFIFf-Gn5v-3BpP3yquGElwzTA4dphl1ferfFqI8xaM3r05h_MryJLVo7cdU/s320/db_CRACK2001.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5539513845787300370" /></a><br /><br />December 1983<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />I expected some sort of celebration. But, I guess they're keeping cool. Such an historic occasion...well, they are zapping the competition! But, the "BUY ME!" in the corner seems a bit on the "begging" side of things.<br /><br />Let's go in and see what they have for us...<br /><br />POSTER: "POBODY'S NERFECT" And, to commemorate 200, this is on a Pee Yellow background! <br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Imogene E. Uss...again. I don't see much that looks really celebratory but looks can be deceiving.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: XFYH FA, XBCD YHYDHMW! TMNPH PF WZBEHWPHM NA XFLH OAL IHP O UHMWFAOB OAWTHM SMFY JNY! Is this "CRACKED Fan Club Secret Message" some sort of Happy 200th something-or-other?<br />Next issue - November 1st, 1983<br /><br />WAR GAINS: A 7-page parody of this rather iconic (not incredibly iconic, just rather) 80's film with Matthew Broderick and a goofy computer. When one character says that the men who hover over the button froze, the army guy says that the air conditioning should not be up so high. This parody feels to me like a MAD parody. The jokes are less based in "Your Grampa's Puns" and more based in attempting to be satirical. Does it succeed? Well, I read it and it never caused me any trouble. I would describe this as a slightly atypical CRACKED parody that's good for some "chuckles & laughs".<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO HOBBIES: For four pages, we will learn about hobbies. "Some hobbyists raise pets." There is a guy with his dog attached to a a pulley system. The dog is in the air. One kid tries building models. Cheryl Tieggs![sic]. There is the suggestion that you try finger painting...Can you guess what the kid is painting? And, in the end, a kid is collecting CRACKED...Hmmm...Issue 200 material? Not really. Decent CRACKED material? Sure.<br /><br />HOW TO BUY A NEW CAR: I showed my wife this one, as she's planning on looking for a new car soon. Divorce proceedings began on the 21st. This is structured like an older article (at least, that's what I thought) but I don't know where it's from. What Kind To Buy?... Choosing A Dealer... Getting a Good Deal... PITFALLS TO LOOK FOR... THE TRADE-IN... FINAL WORDS... (I don't know why I went All Caps halfway through there but I trust my judgment.) There is a Let's Make A Deal joke...Funny that most of the previous Hobbies bit was for kids and then this article is for adults...Who was this magazine for at this time? Because, this is when I was at the height of my enjoyment.<br /><br />Checking the Wegmans or Bells every time I was in there...dying to grab the new issue...I do remember buying this one...From here until the end of 1984, I was at my CRACKED Height!!!!<br /><br />But, what about this issue #200? I don't think I would have cared about the number when I was a kid. Hell, it was 1983. What would I have been able to do? Collect the other 199? I had an account on Ebay then but there was nothing for sale. It was just a blank screen.<br /><br />HELP WANTED: Repeat from issue #143<br /><br />WHEN ALL OF TELEVISION GOES 3-D: Bullets fly off the screen during the news! Archie Bunker will flick cigar ash on your carpet! Politicians will lean out of the TV to shake your hand. I like these kinds of bits. And, at three pages, it doesn't stretch the premise. You get some good gags and then you move on.<br /><br />ACCESSORIES THAT DUPLICATE THE THRILLS OF ARCADE PLAYING RIGHT IN THE HOME: Defective Change Makers only $195. A Life-size Truant Officer $28.95. (What is a "Truant Officer"? I was 10 when this came out and I never saw a Truant Officer". Flying Elbow Attachment $49.50 "Authentic Arcade-Type Kibitzer Dummy" for $38.33. Says stuff like "Look at da hotshot blow another quarter!" I was hoping this would be more than 2 pages.<br /><br />THE CRACKED LENS: Repeat from #173. It has a longer title but if they're just going to repeat this bit...I'm just going to leave out the full title. Eddie Albert is in here, too. Check out my Green Acres Reviews link to the left. Hey! They repeat, I advertise.<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO HOCKEY: Now, I'm just becoming suspicious. I was pretty sure that they'd done this before...But, I don't see it in the issues I've reviewed. So...It's another Sports guide. Some wacky illustrations, "Now, let's try shooting at the net." is illustrated by a guy drawing a gun and shooting the net & fighting and endorsements are mentioned. Yes, there is a hat trick joke that involves the ref pulling a rabbit out of a hat. You know, I don't have much energy in this issue...possibly I expected something bigger and better for the 200th and the Regular CRACKED isn't cutting it. Sorry.<br /><br />CAN YOU PASS THE TEEN-AGE DRIVERS TEST?: Multiple choice and, yes, someone filled in their choices. The original owner's choices? Going from left to right by page and then down by page, by row, they picked.<br />1: A<br />2: B<br />3: C<br />4: B<br />5: A<br />6: B<br />7: A<br />8: C<br />9: A<br />10: B<br />11: B<br />12: A<br />13: C<br />14: C<br />15: A<br />16: A<br /><br />Thanks, Original Owner! If these look like your choices, give me a yell. We'll discuss Fun With Cracked!<br /><br />HOW PAST EVENTS MIGHT HAVE BEEN REPORTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-CONTROLLED PRESS: Repeat from #124<br /><br />I didn't actually say what I thought about the Teen-Age Driving thing. It's OK. Like all of this issue.<br /><br />YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE 'ONE OF DEM DAYS' WHEN...: Oh boy, this had better be the all-time best one of these! Let me read it...Oh heck, it's not. Sigh...And, we're near the end. When does the celebration begin? "...the septic tank overflows the day of your planned backyard Bar-B-Q!" "...you see a dark funnel-cloud whipping down your side of the street!" <br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS STAR WARS CREATOR GEORGE LUCRE: A decent 4-page article with two folks who aren't Nanny asking George where his ideas come from. The half-finished Death Star is based on his first Frisbee after "Spot" got through with it. Light sabers come from two custodians arguing and fighting with florescent bulbs. (Not something you want to try at home, to be honest.) Jabber the Nutt came from spilling butterscotch pudding. (You had to be there.) The inspiration for Krankor? An IRS guy! Ha!! Well, this bit's OK. Just four pages of this kind of jokeballery and some of it was funny. I think this is a decent closing article for the issue.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS: <br />1 - A stewardess to a goofy guy. (Acceptable)<br />2 - A dad yelling at a son. (Funny.)<br />3 - Submarine stuff...(OK.)<br /><br />Shut-Ups, you are no longer on Comedy Parole! Keep those laughs coming.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Sagebrush. 2 strips..a couple of giggles. Decent back cover...Although, the Sagebrush orange and mustard yellow color isn't too enticing.<br /><br />So, what to say about Issue 200 of CRACKED? From its humble beginning around March 1958 until this point, the end of 1983, CRACKED has pushed to elevate the Yuk-O-Meter of America and the World! Has it always succeeded? No. Has it succeeded quite a bit? Oh, here and there. Did #200 say "Hooray For CRACKED!"? No, it didn't. 12 pages (at least) of repeats seems lazy to me. Was there some sort of Special Edition that celebrated this? Because the issue itself did not.<br /><br />Now, there is absolutely no reason for CRACKED to celebrate if they don't want to. I think this might have something to do with Mad Magazine's #200, which also went without celebration. (Thanks for the scan, Doug.)<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsMZakxSdyAijsHZxYK5s4koFyBlvIrdF1Mm92sDDFiINrxYl1LibC0-WFeF4hjyDtN7VN5kyOVqeLhWq2Hb8nV5VJ3RmJFRWesh-gkQI0L8ZYs0JSVCM9CqhXfKakAJV4AGS5/s1600/mad200id.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 146px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsMZakxSdyAijsHZxYK5s4koFyBlvIrdF1Mm92sDDFiINrxYl1LibC0-WFeF4hjyDtN7VN5kyOVqeLhWq2Hb8nV5VJ3RmJFRWesh-gkQI0L8ZYs0JSVCM9CqhXfKakAJV4AGS5/s200/mad200id.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5539511936414075602" /></a><br /><br />But, MAD #'s 100, 300, 400 & 500 did have some fanfare.<br /><br />CRACKED, there's no reason to follow MAD so slavishly. You should have lived it up. It was your 200th issue, after all.<br /><br />Next issue: I remember buying this issue, too. I hope they all wake up in time for #201. Fingers crossed.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-89495673192976001672010-11-13T19:04:00.000-08:002010-11-14T11:30:36.185-08:00CRACKED #199: Sylvester's Job Is Never Done<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX9SHCR6prCQL26PV3UdSfhQ9nrI4cqCa_C-BucnVlfOpm9ZWRY1Zcm6-UuM1leQHomlWqk5Tp-h_uF-Ecf_XcQZkbcv04Q3jbUI5tIFb1vcj8v65vrMcpzY1oi2gVCbaTDDGL/s1600/db_CRACK1991.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 302px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX9SHCR6prCQL26PV3UdSfhQ9nrI4cqCa_C-BucnVlfOpm9ZWRY1Zcm6-UuM1leQHomlWqk5Tp-h_uF-Ecf_XcQZkbcv04Q3jbUI5tIFb1vcj8v65vrMcpzY1oi2gVCbaTDDGL/s400/db_CRACK1991.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5539486991978177778" /></a><br /><br />November 1983<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Jabba The Hutt has a little too much to eat. He doesn't seem to be in his palace because there's nothing but white behind him. But, he has eaten quite a lot..."Ripple Chips"? Do those contain Ripple? And, of course, he had a "Big Mic". The glass of "Burp" is fun. All that detritus at Jabba's base reminds me of some sort of Product Round-Up for the Wacky Packages. And, of course, Sylvester's on it...Some "Alke Sellzer" to make Jabba OK.<br /><br />You'd think, after all the Star Wars hoohah and the rather sizeable-ish Empire Strikes Back kerfuffle, that they'd do more on the big "finale" to the series...A joke about Jabba eating too much is funny... But, he's that size anyways. It seems a rather lame joke for the cover. Looks good at first and then makes me think "You guys couldn't do a kickass killer cover for this?" When Jedi came out, I'd read the novelization twice and saw it on opening day with a crowd of friends. It was, at that time, the best film I'd ever seen. And, I think it was that way for a lot of others. Why wasn't CRACKED quicker off the mark? <br /><br />I also question the lag here. Everyone in the world knew that Jedi was coming out at the end of May...Why is the CRACKED parody in the issue that came out in August? Why not June or July? Rush it through...it's the third Star Wars movie for Heaven's Sake!<br /><br />Oh well. Let's step in to Issue #199 of CRACKED.<br /><br />POSTER: DO NOT STRAIGHTEN THIS POSTER! It's off center within the cover borders...and it's pee yellow and the "wall" behind it is blue. Interesting colors.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Seymour Errs, prprrf RDrer. A guy with a chainsaw-ish item and R2-D2 bowling! Say, this might be great after all.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - September 20th<br /><br />"Dear CRACKED, ...When, oh WHEN is your satire of RETURN OF THE JEDI going to be appearing in CRACKED??" "...as soon as you can turn to Page 6." Had they forgotten about it? There is a Lone Ranger/ Loan Arranger joke here. And, they just released another "SHARK COLLECTORS' EDITION".<br /><br />Wait a second...Jaws 3-D came out on July 22. And, the issue that came out around the release date had a Jaws 3-D cover...But, the Jaws 3-D related article didn't actually reference the movie, apart from saying it was in 3-D...In fact, it still had Roy Scheider in it...So, they rushed out the Jaws 3-D cover with a supporting article that has nothing to do with the movie because they hadn't actually seen the movie...But, the biggest film of 1983 has to wait three months? Odd...I don't think they were paying attention.<br /><br />RETURNS OF THE JED EYE: Of course, it starts with Blubba the Hut and proceeds swiftly through the set pieces. They do mention the June(?) Time Magazine that was all about Jedi and gave away stuff that happened in the movie. I remember that issue and I thought it came out before the movie was released. Well, it was 27 years ago so my memory is a touch hazy.<br /><br />8 pages long and a nice parody to close off the trilogy. I am glad they watched the movie. I did complain but this is a decent parody, although they really didn't need to point out how much merchandising there is...I think they've done that previously.<br /><br />So my troubles were all my own...This is a good opening parody for the issue.<br /><br />PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE CHANGES IN SPORTS: Let me cover one:<br /><br />Past: In the Gay 90's, a football player wore very little in the way of protective equipment.<br />Present: Today he resembles a knight in armor.<br />Future: In a couple of decades a football player will look like R2-D2's second cousin.<br /><br />Baseball, basketball, horse racing, karate, tennis, skiing, scoreboards, bowling (R2-D2 again!)<br /><br />It's a fun but obvious bit.<br /><br />SIGNS THAT IT'S A COMPUTER AGE: It's two pages and there are some smiles here but they all come from my current comparison of the CRACKED Then and the CRACKED Now to My Now. There are jokes about kids learning the value of a dollar because of change machines. Video game inventors are now the BMOCs! Technology makes things really tiny. And, alphabet soup has letters with "computer" fonts in it! It's OK. I'm not falling out of my seat but I am smiling.<br /><br />ONE EVENING IN A FANCY RESTAURANT: Repeat from #135<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO KITE FLYING: 4 pages...and another fun bit. Maybe I'm in a better mood today than I was during 198 but this is several swift, decent pages. I love "If you have to leave your kite while it's in the air, tie the string securely around an object you know won't be carried away." A kid ties his kite line to a fat lady! Killer stuff! The art in this one is nice and chaotic and the jokes are OK. I don't know...You start the issue with something strong and it carries along a while.<br /><br />INCREASING CONSUMPTION IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN FULL EMPLOYMENT: Repeat from #134 (The Fonze!)<br /><br />YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REAL MONSTER IF...: I could swear that this two pager is a repeat...but the guy with the chainsaw-esque device makes me think it must be post-1980 and I haven't seen it in a regular issue. Well, I love monsters so I love this...<br /><br />Just saw this "Brian Buniak '83" at the end of the article...This is new. Sorry, CRACKED<br /><br />"...the shaving commercial turns you on more than the program itself!" The Lon Chaney Jr. wolfman really likes those commercials.<br /><br />"...your idea of fast food is a wall socket!" Frankenstein's Monster really enjoying a Charge! Great Frankie drawing!<br /><br />All the monster's in this look pretty great. This is a cool bit. I wonder if it's in a CRACKED MONSTERS COLLECTORS' EDITION?<br /><br />THE CRACKED FIX-IT YOURSELF MANUAL: by M. I. Handy. Maybe not so much MI! Oh, the laughs...Mitchell Irving Handy wrote the book. He shows us how to fix a broken chair leg & Troubleshoot TV Problems & Repair Hand-Held Hairdryers & Repair a Washing Machine & Fixing a Squeaky Door & Plumbing...I will admit that when I saw the title my heart sunk but this isn't bad...It cooks along for four pages. There are some fun drawings and some decent gags. TV won't turn off...Solution? Shoot it!<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XXII: 4 pages, 20 laughs! Enjoy! The best one? Two guys standing in a graveyard. "Well no wonder I can't find my (hic) mother's grave. I just remembered...she ain't dead!" I think there is a still from Seven Dwarfs To The Rescue here. Nice.<br /><br />HOW IS IT THAT...?: Oh, there's the filler! Three pages of this and we'd been going so strong in this issue. "When kids eat candy YOU'RE NOT EATING PROPERLY and IT CAUSES CAVITIES." "When adults eat candy they HAVE A SWEET TOOTH or NEED THE ENERGY?" "If you forget to renew things, you're IRRESPONSIBLE." "If adults forget to renew things, it SLIPPED THEIR MIND!" Next!<br /><br />MISLEADING MOVIE AND TV TITLES: Time Bandits was not about crooks stealing clocks. 9 To 5 is not about gambling. Hill Street Blues was not about a jazz band. Hogan's Heroes is not about sandwich makers. A bit of a charmer this one.<br /><br />ONE DAY IN METROPOLITIS: Repeat from issue #136<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE NEWSPAPER KING: Repeat from Issue #124. A Severin Nanny.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Whopper!<br />2 - St. Gaylord's Hospital!<br />3 - Stallone & Reynolds...and a lonely woman being told to Shut Up by her "friend".<br /><br />Hey, these Shut-Ups are kind of mean! Why am I just noticing this now?<br /><br />Woman: "...an' last night I saw Sylvester Stallone...tonight I'm spending an evening with Burt Reynolds!!"<br />"Friend": SHUT-UP!! You're not the only one who goes to the movies!"<br /><br />Why yell at her? She doesn't have a wedding ring on. Clearly, she's lonely. Don't yell...I'm keeping an eye on the SHUT-UPS from here on in.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Repeat from the back cover of #125.<br /><br />12 Repeat pages. Less than last time but...I like this issue more. I don't think they've lifted themselves out of any sort of rut. I just think that this issue is (mostly) what CRACKED does best. This one's fun...<br /><br />Next Issue: #200!!Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-5598161977492721182010-11-11T11:45:00.000-08:002010-11-11T11:51:42.280-08:00CRACKED #198: That's an awesome cover!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3GYMLuyNllc5FYQdXOOADbP03xEQhHzJgSJspeUykRDuRwrnqjQZnXaPTYizjzJFciHy9pkGDOSImwlyLvZ1Sa2leNQ2M8uf7qrJ46YtZ99FH0M-iToZjARU-_m8vSsYiZ6Kw/s1600/db_CRACK1981.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 298px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3GYMLuyNllc5FYQdXOOADbP03xEQhHzJgSJspeUykRDuRwrnqjQZnXaPTYizjzJFciHy9pkGDOSImwlyLvZ1Sa2leNQ2M8uf7qrJ46YtZ99FH0M-iToZjARU-_m8vSsYiZ6Kw/s400/db_CRACK1981.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5538336755685664018" /></a><br /><br />October 1983<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />So, we are just a smidge away from the big issue 200! And, this mighty shark, first appearing on the cover in 1975 (well, not him...the JAWS series), bursts out of the movie screens in 3-D! The shark is cool, the concept is fun and all the detail on the folks in the crowd are just wonderful. The UPC code does get in the way (and why does it have the yellow background and why does the top third have the yellow background). And, the whole thing feels crammed in but I like it. Hey! Check out the upper left hand corner. "Jaws Contest"! I hope it involves fighting with sticks!<br /><br />Before we step in...you know all the repeats that have been popping up lately, well...that may be happening more often now...<br /><br />POSTER: Repeat from Issue #145 <br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Will I. Goof, pruffffff rdrrrrr" I see King Kong and...another King Kong...Hmmm...<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Next issue - August 9th" Official Cracked Fan Club going strong...Another Secret Message...I have to try and decode these things. Amos Svoboda writes! One of the letters has the "gorilla of my dreams" joke in it...Oh boy, Mickey Michaels, we want to talk to you...Are you Forrest J. Ackerman's long lost son?<br /><br />THE MAKING OF JAWZ #23: Fun opening bit that covers all the Jawz films they've made over the years. Not just 3-D, but fighting Rocky and going after King Kong and teaming up with The Godfather...Wait a second...Issue #131...The Godfather Meets Jaws is on the cover. And...there is a two-page Godfather Meets Jaws section...And, this article has a 1 1/2 page abbreviated version...guys...apart from that, it's a fun bit.<br /><br />WHAT YOU'LL REALLY MISS AFTER YOU GRADUATE: When I graduated from grammar school, I didn't miss articles like this. Oh, the sarcasm! From me and CRACKED... "Today in World History, class, we'll be studying the luggage of Rumania." There is a Groucho Marx joke, which is funny. But, mainly, it's three pages of all the dumb things from school...I was going to list them but you know them...The Drama Club's performance of "Fiddler" really grabbed me. I'm scanning this article again and it's so Thoroughly Average CRACKED that I can't get excited about it...sorry...<br /><br />WORD PLAY: Hey! 1 Page of this! And...as always...I didn't get any of them. Although, the giant Earth with a "What" on top of it rang a bell.<br /><br />THE WIDER WORLD OF SPORTS: Repeat from Issue #139<br /><br />ONE DAY ON ROUTE 14: Fun two pages. A guy following really fast chickens back to the farm. The closing gag isn't great but it's got a nice movement to it.<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXI: Well, they weren't in the last issue. It's great to see them back. But, this one is 6 pages...I think that's the longest one of these they've done in a regular issue. I wonder why so long. Possibly this ties-in with all the repeated stuff. Why all of these repeats as such an historic occasion draws near?<br /><br />A gentlemen left an interesting comment under #197. Giving one possible reason for some of the repeats. Give it a read.<br /><br />CRACKED'S EARLY WARNING SIGNS OF "NO RESPECT": Oh no...this is just like the "What You'll Really Miss etc." article. It is only 2 pages so that's cool. "When your parents finally gave you the key to the house was it from the lock they had changed two years ago?" "If you get higher than a D on any test does your teacher think you've cheated?" "Do you have to share your hair brush with the family's cat?" "Did your parents rent out your room while you were away on an over night trip?" Yeah...it goes like that. Someone must have loved these sorts of articles but it wasn't me.<br /><br />MRS. KONG GOES TO TOWN: Fun one pager...I am wondering why the return of Kong in this issue but, as I said, this is a charmer.<br /><br />THE TRUE STORY OF THE LONE RANGER: Odd...feels like a repeat but it isn't from something I've reviewed...If I find out where it's from, I'll update this. Until then...This is a fun three page bit (they used to do bits this size more often in the past). The Lone Ranger talks about himself, and Tonto (Pronto) and other cowboys and Roy Rogers and, in the end, Lone quits and Sylvester becomes the New Lone Ranger. This is a very good bit. But...the repeat thought still nags...<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE OUTDOOR KING: Repeat from Issue #138<br /><br />GIANT "JAWS" CONTEST!!: Excellent! 1st and 2nd Prizes: Atari Home Video Games (Which ones?) 23 Runner-Up Prizes: One year Subscription to CRACKED! Well, the first two prizes are so vague...I'd shoot for #4!!<br /><br />You have to find the identical sharks on a page. There are 8, pick the 2 that match. Go! There's a second page here with a huge questionnaire. What are your Favorite CRACKED features? How often do you watch TV on Saturday morning? What are your interested or hobbies? Do you own a home videogame unit? If Yes, what kind? How many cartridges do you own? How many times do you reread all or part of CRACKED? How often do you have cereal as part of your breakfast? (CRACKED Cereal!) What other CRACKED Publications do you buy? _Biggest Greatest CRACKED _King-Sized CRACKED _CRACKED Collectors' Edition _Super CRACKED _Extra Special CRACKED _Giant CRACKED (Wow!) That's not all of the questions, just my favorites.<br /><br />THE FALLING GUY: Last issue, Simon & Simon. This issue, The Fall Guy. Another in the series of endless 80's hour long dramas that bore me to absolute tears. 7 pages of this. There's some fun art here but I don't know the series so maybe I'm not the one to review the parody. And, it has a joke about how dumb the show is and yet it still gets great ratings. Wasn't there a joke like that in the S&S parody last issue? Sorry, folks. This one kind of grinds the end of the issue into the ground for me.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS: Oh the Fresh Air!<br />1 - Video Arcade (Blip!)<br />2 - Shoe Store (Al!)<br />3 - Carnival (Mom!)<br /><br />Good stuff.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Three strips....Sagebrush! It's not going to send you to Comic Heaven but they're fun. (I wonder if these are reprints?)<br /><br />So, 13 1/2 of the 52 pages are reprints...possibly more...CRACKED...you saw all those other publications I listed...Let's knock of the repeats. More than 25% of this issue is reprints and it's supposed to be the New Issue.<br /><br />What's next? I'm dying to see...<br /><br />Next issue: Episode 6 and the Minimal Publicity From CRACKEDTurbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-1376139900931652512010-10-30T11:10:00.000-07:002010-10-31T12:19:27.861-07:00CRACKED #197: Another Team-Up. Emphasis On The T...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLG21pNrDy-n91sEEupt_nuij_MSPNn8Rrtw28GfyIxZLL5JguGfceypaEK7FXxoCp1PM9ynmdqaNwnG74rYE1ctKSrVkQrpbXyCZcIH4pW_MFUPeZLDObnxQ4jFU2fYGyNKQE/s1600/db_CRACK1971.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLG21pNrDy-n91sEEupt_nuij_MSPNn8Rrtw28GfyIxZLL5JguGfceypaEK7FXxoCp1PM9ynmdqaNwnG74rYE1ctKSrVkQrpbXyCZcIH4pW_MFUPeZLDObnxQ4jFU2fYGyNKQE/s320/db_CRACK1971.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5534291964992733090" /></a><br />September 1983<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Well, The Love Boat's been on for ages, sure. The A-Team, however, are a whole new world. A whole new violent, repetitious, ultimately monotonous world. But, off center to the right...there he is...Mr. T! He is here. And, on the edges of the cover are my favorite things...the random tourists that strolled into the cover painting. I like that.<br /><br />"Plus In This Issue! Simon and Simon! If We didn't Have Ears!" Woah. You had me at the "ears" thing.<br /><br />POSTER: At the bottom, it reads "This poster is brought to you by the CRACKED Society to Prevent Historical Confusion. (A Non-Profit Institution - but we didn't plan it this way.)" Great gag. Pee yellow background.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Imogene E. Uss, prf rdrer "The A-Y-Y-Y Team Takes A Ride On The Love Boat...Mr. T hee hee!"<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 5th, 1983. CRACKED FAN CLUB SECRET MESSAGE - LF ZFC MHOBNRH PJOP FABZ YHYDHMW FS PJH XBCD XOA MHOL PJNW? TH'MH MHOB XMOXVHL SOAW! Oh my sides!!!<br /><br />Does anyone know how to decode this?<br /><br />THE A-A-AAYY TEAM TAKES A RIDE ON THE LOVELY BOAT: Why is the title here different from the one in the Table Of Contents? High hilarity with saboteurs and kidnappers on the boat. The A-Team causes a heck of a lot of trouble. Destroying everything and blowing stuff up...All sorts of craziness. It is vaguely funny. The whole thing has a great pace to it that made me forget that it wasn't really all that hilarious. Oh well.. Final panel is killer. The Captain stands on the titled ship yelling "After what you guys did...[The A-Team's explosions and chaos on board.] THE SHIP IS SINKING!" Love that!<br /><br />WHAT YOUR MOTHER WOULD SAY...WHAT YOUR FATHER WOULD SAY...: Oh, Dad! Oh, Mom! You say different things, don't you? "It's Saturday! Why can't I go to the beach? Huh? Jerry Slugfinster is going." MOM: "Oh! And if Jerry Slugfinster jumped off a cliff would you want to do that too?!?" DAD: "Have you washed the car and piled the newspapers in the garage? You should be doing more work around the house if you want go out on week-ends." Hi-Larious! "Can I borrow the keys to the car?" MOM & DAD: "No!" HA!!!!!! Well, kid, maybe you should get that driver's license first?<br /><br />IF WE DIDNT HAVE EARS: Your walkman headphones would have to go up your nose. It would be tough whispering "sweet nothings" in your girl's ear. Instead of saying "I'm all ears", you'd say "I'm all nose!" I love the closing panel. (This is a high hilarity final closing panel issue.) "So, the next time you look in the mirror, rejoice over what you have..." A funny looking man is staring in the mirror, touching his ears. "Oh, EARS! <span style="font-weight:bold;">I love you</span>. Thank you for being a part of me!" A woman in curlers and a bathrobe walks by. "Are you going <span style="font-weight:bold;">weird</span> om me again, Frank?" Good stuff. And, the fact that Frank has gone <span style="font-weight:bold;">weird</span> before makes me smile.<br /><br />MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: No CRACKED Lens in this issue, guys? 4 pages of some fairly funny bits. Phyllis Diller is in this one. That's something to look forward to. I prefer The CRACKED LENS, though. There's something more, sort of, spontaneous feeling about it, if that makes sense.<br /><br />CRACKED'S GUIDE FOR MAKING MONEY IN THE 80'S: All the great, greasy things you could do in 1983 to make cash, including endorsements, selling ET merchandise, becoming the leader of a third world company that fights communists and watching the US aid money come in...Stuff like that. Oddly political for CRACKED and not in a bad way. I enjoyed this.<br /><br />REAL KIDS DON'T EAT SPINACH: A parody of the classic "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche". Those kids! They're so kid-like. Basically, we've got 4 pages of CRACKED that replicate 16 pages of this book about the quirks of kids. Troubles with baths. They know TV schedules and their birthdays but forget everything else...They try to stay up late. It's all just that sort of thing. Hmmm...this issue isn't doing a whole heck of a lot for me...Sorry.<br /><br />CREATING YOUR OWN SUMMER JOBS: Sort of like the Guide to Making Money but simpler. The drawings are awesome. Filled with all sorts of odd looking people and kickass backgrounds. The actual gags are OK. Headings that say what the new job is with the picture below. "Vendor of Frozen Seat Cushions For People Who've Parked Their Cars In The Broiling Sun" A guy is shown with a fridge in a parking lot. He's taking a seat cushion out of the freezer and yelling to a lady "Why risk a burned bottom?" 5 bucks. It's 2 pages and it's fun.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE ENERGY CONSERVATION KING: Repeat from issue #167...Guys...<br /><br />HOW TO MAKE BASEBALL MORE INTERESTING: Feels like a repeat but I don't think it is. Stuff like more fighting and violence. At first base, they place quicksand so the next batter has to move quick so the runner isn't sucked under. Some guys ride horses. Multiple pitchers and batters. Lions are let loose on the field...Actually, this seems like it might be fun.<br /><br />THE LOSER: Repeat from #131...seriously, guys?<br /><br />SIMIAN & SIMIAN: Sure, it's a great title but this is one of those shows, like Remington Steele, that I could never ever imagine watching when I was a kid. And, in fact, I never have. (Riptide was another one.) As I read this, I began to forget what I'd read..."Will you take our case?" "Well, there are many important factors to be considered." "Like What?" "Will you pay us?" "Of course." "Then, we'll take your case." I kept reading..."Now what?" "I think it's time to try one of our favorite tricks." "Sawing an eggroll in half?" And, I hit the fifth page..."Here's a bar of soap and a scrub brush." "What's this for?" "I want you to come clean." And, then it hurt. And then, CRACKED ran through the motions.<br /><br />We are getting close to #212. The end of The Sproul Era. I know that these were the ones I read voraciously when I was a child. But, who knew how rotten my tastes were back then? I'm having a heck of a time getting jazzed up about this issue. The repeats mixed with the old jokes mixed with the dull parody subjects...Sigh...Come on, CRACKED! 200 is approaching. It's been 25 years since you started. Take off into the Comedy Stars again...For Pierre...<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Wright<br />2 - Darwin<br />3 - French Revolution<br /> <br />Historical Shut-Ups! I love it! Killer closer.<br /><br />BACK COVER: Sagebrush. Fun back cover gag with a very cool use of the comic strip page.<br /><br />Well, you saw my thoughts. I'm running out of steam. 15 issues before the end, I'm beginning to lose it. I'm entering the issues read by a new generation of kids from when I started back in the mid-70's. So, apparently, CRACKED feels it's OK to use the same old jokes. Guys...please, pull it out and kick my ass...Please.<br /><br />Next issue: An old friend returns...It's good to see him.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-89340940899474852932010-10-09T10:15:00.000-07:002010-10-09T11:34:33.194-07:00#196: All New, All Cars!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtF3S22kiDC8WNTCYu0EVVROpv6QqxLxPo_hv7kbPeE1kw3QTz8IuaF4xGne-emIlargRYQWrlLFyHc1pgT75pMV5yBT2QNK8Fm41VE6A4whUFKXPFqmmueRzveZXjCXGRamPK/s1600/db_CRACK1961.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 238px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtF3S22kiDC8WNTCYu0EVVROpv6QqxLxPo_hv7kbPeE1kw3QTz8IuaF4xGne-emIlargRYQWrlLFyHc1pgT75pMV5yBT2QNK8Fm41VE6A4whUFKXPFqmmueRzveZXjCXGRamPK/s320/db_CRACK1961.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5526114239494969554" /></a><br />August 1983<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br /><br />Everyone new is here and having a good time. And, of course, Tootsie is here, too. I imagine the rednecks of Hazzard love their cross-dressing Jewish soap opera stars. Regardless, everyone is teaming up and having fun. Let's go in. Did Daisy Duke wear high heels on the show? I don't remember.<br /><br />I will say, as we approach the Poster, that this issue is the most beat-up CRACKED I own. It's crinkly, as if it got wet and it's strangely stained. <br /><br />POSTER: The Cracked Ear Chart - Close eyes, Cover 1 Ear and try to listen to this chart. It's a very elaborate joke. And, I'm not sure it's funny. I'll get back to it, if I remember.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Noah C. Goode is the new Italian p rrrrder. "Any second now the light will turn green! With the squeal of tires and roaring engines the cars will race off the cover. (It's gonna look pretty empty!)"<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Amos Svaboda is back! The Official Cracked Fan Club continues to haul in the members. Next issue - May 31st, 1983.<br /><br />NIGHT RIDER MEETS THE DUKES OF HAZZARDOUS: Nothing like being as literal as possible in the title. And, it's all true. The Great Food Caper is causing all sorts of trouble for the Duke Boys but, with some help from Mike Night, they will stop the bad guys and save (or Svaboda)the day and raise everybody's ratings. Strange, this opener didn't do much for me. I think it's because the jokes here are the exact same as the jokes in the previous parodies of these shows. They're just combined so there's no feeling of anything but going through the motions. Hmm, I wish I liked this more but I don't.<br /><br />THINGS YOU'LL NEVER SEE: A 3 Foot Bully! A teacher whose belief is "Homework teaches you nothing..." A dentist says "This is REALLY going to hurt!" Two pages of this. Some of them are OK but they're all very obvious.<br /><br />I guess when the issue starts off a little off I have a tough time catching the wave.<br /><br />GIFT CATALOGUE FOR TEEN-AGERS: Video Games! Hey! There's 4 pages of this.. OK, it's not all video game stuff. Buy a Video Game Rear View Mirror so you can see a truant office approaching. Wear an S.O.S. Beanie Cap. Put it on and the Change Man knows to run to your side. Buy a Steel-Toe Kicker robot to kick malfunctioning vending machines for you. Stuck With A Super Ugly Blind Date? Well, CRACKED's got it solved. Check it out!<br /><br />My favorite: Tadpoles to put in your brother's water bed.<br /><br />It's a fun bit. I'm hoping we can keep it at this level.<br /><br />READ BETWEEN THE LINES!: Well, we might be losing it again. It's only one page so it barely registered in my mind. A doorman says "It's not easy getting a taxi in this rain." to a snooty man. What he's really saying is, "But slip me a few bucks and I'm sure I'll get you one." Not a good article, not a bad article. Just a page in a magazine.<br /><br />REALLY REAL PEOPLE: It's basically gags about modern society with captions like "THE UNBELIEVABLE!!" & "THE ELECTRIFYING!!" above them. It's a fun idea. But, underneath each picture, there is a full paragraph explaining what the person did. And, sometimes it doesn't quite seem worth it. You decide.<br /><br />My favorite: "IMPOSSIBLE ACTS!!! It was revealed today that in Captain Video's video arcade in East Rockaway, New York, the PAC-MAN game there has NEVER been used. In fact, Jack B. Quick, the dumbfounded owner has replaced the game with the complete works of Homer and the kids are lining up at 25 cents apiece to read the Greek classics."<br /><br />My least favorite...Actually, I don't have one. They're all at the level of the one above. I just think there's too much text for what should be simple jokes. Almost like the concept got away from the writer.<br /><br />INDICATORS IN OUR LIVES WE COULD REALLY USE: A series of meters and scales that we could use in our everyday lives. A "Mugging Chance Indicator" in case you get lost in a big city. "Girl Date Meter" The girl wears it on her chest and it goes from "Anytime, handsome" to "When Hell Freezes over". "Bad Breath Analyzer Caibrater" and the "CRACKED Magazine Humor Rater" and the "Bureaucratic Hassle Indicator" are all fun. This is a charming bit. I like this one. I don't need a lot of clever. Just a touch.<br /><br />"GOING OUT" SIMULATION KITS: Shall we take a mad journey back to the days when King Kong reigned supreme in CRACKED? Because, that's where this bit's taking you. Issue #139 reprint here. Oh well. It's still a funny article.<br /><br />THE AD WAR HEATS UP: "The Muleboro cowboy eats quiche!" "In these tough competitive times some businesses have taken to ad campaigns that lambast the products of their rivals. First, it was Pepsi that took on Coca Cola, and now Burger King has put the knock on McDonald's Big Macs..." "TIME is Time but NEWSWEEK is News Weak". "The Santas at Gimbel's Have Bad Breath! They also renege on 89.2 [sic] of their promises." from Macy's. Pretty funny bit. At two pages, it impresses and goes...<br /><br />"THERE'S GOOD NEWS...AND BAD NEWS...": Why did the Ad War leave so quick for this bit? Lots of quick bits in this issue. Another clearinghouse issue? They seem to have this about once a year. "It's good news when...You win a stuffed animal at the amusement park's balloon-dart game." "It's Bad news when...You needed 67 dollars to do it." "It's Good News when...At the age of 40, you still fit into your wedding gown." "It's Bad News when...You were a fat, dumpy bride." OK, some of these are funny. But, the layout doesn't encourage much. Four columns on each page. Two good News columns and two bad news columns on each. It's not so nice to look at. But, at two pages...<br /><br />THE CRACKED GUIDE TO PLANT CARE: OK, before I begin...I have to ask. Have you seen this one? In the article title, the word "CRACKED" is in a box and is a different font and size than the rest of the words. Why is that? Was this someone else's guide to Plant Care and CRACKED co-opted it? Seems strange...Three pages about plants and gags about plants. Weird, this feels like a reprint but I don't know if it is. It's an OK bit. Nothing spectacular. A lady puts her "Lithuanian Laptick" in quicksand and it keeps disappearing. "Grow, or I'll pull you out by the roots!" "But, why?" says the plant, "I'm rooting for you!"<br /><br />HOW TO HAVE A FUN TIME ON EARTH: A guide for aliens. Earth is open every day of the year, rain, shine or snow. It's all "satire" of a CRACKED variety. Go see "Earth's Devastating Indoor Demolition Derbies"...hey! We're in supermarket and it's crazy! Fun gags to play on earthmen..."Cause vending machines and phone booths to jam." "Plant numerous phoney 'Big Foot' prints." Hmm...this is 5 pages? Why? There is a chapter (Number 6) on where to obtain Reese's Pieces. Haven't they done this with R2-D2 and ET already? <br /><br />CRACKED PREDICTIONS FOR THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE: There will be a faith healer game show called "Let's Make A Heal". Gas prices will be so high that families will trade in their children for gas. And, it is laid out in a CRACKED LENS-style, with the wacky picture matching up to the caption. It's like their Believe It Or Not articles. Some funny pictures here. Santa shows up.<br /><br />Hey, where is the CRACKED LENS?<br /><br />TOOTSIE ROLL: It's a Tootsie parody. I know Tootsie was extremely pouplar but, starting the issue with Knight Rider and The Dukes and ending with Tootsie...would that have been awesome for the average 10 or 11-year-old...I'm bored looking at the first page and this thing is 7 pages long. Let me have another look...<br /><br />I'm back. Yeah, it follows the plot of the movie closely. Maybe I need to see it again. Maybe I was the wrong age. I never really was all that thrilled with Tootsie. I'm still not. The best bit is the kind-of-disturbing final panel. Stallone dressed as "Rockyette". Burt Reynolds dressed up for "Smokie and the Cutie". Tom Selleck in a dress. It's kind of funny but makes me feel strange...<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br />1 - Guillotine<br />2 - Line-Up<br />3 - Plumber<br /><br />These never lead me astray. Joy!<br /><br />BACK COVER: The Truth About Pac-Man...Funny page. Pac-Man moves all over the cover. He eats cherries, strawberries, peaches, apples, grapes, bells, pretzels and keys..."The main thing everyone wants to know is where do I go when I use one of these side exits..." Restrooms! "...the same place you'd go it you'd just eaten all this junk!!" He is flying towards the "Pac-Men" room. Great closing gag!<br /><br />OK, this issue was definitely uneven. A lot of short articles and then an interminable film parody. I guess, in the end, this is a completely average issue of CRACKED magazine. Some great bits, some vague bits, some bits that do nothing. And, a reprint. (Hmm, why the reprints?)<br /><br />That's why we love CRACKED, I guess. <br /><br />Next issue: Another team-up...and the new Cover guys for CRACKED...Guess...<br /><br />I knew I'd forget about the Ear Chart.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-51931441535263356902010-10-02T09:37:00.000-07:002010-10-02T12:03:01.328-07:00CRACKED #195: The Old World Meets The New<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzWeQ8o0Ni5u7c9bFu7Oy2HRB8pHERhSzH3GB10vpMwPGp99R_ewiGlQRfUC_6bGu_B3U8Uxfbv7PvI3ffCRXculRi0AeMZ_hhYMXRZiIxFK_8m4V5zi-Xu6_uhg081nyjzPE8/s1600/db_CRACK1951.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 238px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzWeQ8o0Ni5u7c9bFu7Oy2HRB8pHERhSzH3GB10vpMwPGp99R_ewiGlQRfUC_6bGu_B3U8Uxfbv7PvI3ffCRXculRi0AeMZ_hhYMXRZiIxFK_8m4V5zi-Xu6_uhg081nyjzPE8/s320/db_CRACK1951.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5523512121370789570" /></a><br />July 1983<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Well, you knew it might happen. If you really thought about it, you knew that Gary Coleman would meet up with E.T. As inevitable as The Fonz meeting up with some sort of Outer Space thing. As inevitable as The Godfather meeting up with Jaws (or Jawz). Gary and Sylvester are rather nonplussed but E.T. looks very regal. For some reason, this issue smells good.<br /><br />POSTER: $50.00 in a wallet was found and some other stuff...OK, well...Maybe the poster isn't such a good one. Let's keep moving...let's not let the filler weigh us down here...<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: Prff Rderder - Kent C. Wellatall Hey! That's a good one! I hope evrything is spelled right here. <br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - April 19th, 1983. "Dear CRACKED, CRACKED #194 was the first time I didn't laugh at your cover, but loved it anyway. Both that and the accompanying article...were a fitting final tribute to a truly great TV show. I'll miss it. Scott Morrill Elmira, NY" Amen, brother<br /><br />Woah! "SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - At the request of thousands of CRACKED readers we have formed the OFFICIAL CRACKED FAN CLUB." Holy...For $9.98, you get an official membership card, a special decoder "that will enable you to read the secret club messages appearing in every issue" and 10 issues of Cracked AND a Flying Disc! And, being a CRACKED fan continues to be awesome!<br /><br />IF EaTing HAD BEEN FOUND BY ARNULD: It's more or less what you'd imagine. Arnuld smuggles ET around in various outfits including a large afro wig. Woolies's response? "Holy moley! It's Aretha Franklin's mother!...Wrinkly old broad!" They goof around a while and then get EaTing back to his bus...and the ratings for Diff'rent Strokes shoot through the roof. Yeah, this bit is a lot of fun. It is exactly what you'd expect and, possibly, something you could have written yourself but...I don't always want to wander into brand-new worlds. Sometimes I just want to sit peaceful and warm and cozy...That's what this article is. A joy...The last appearance of Diff'rent Strokes? It night be. That would be sad.<br /><br />CRACKED GUIDE TO SKY DIVING: This is a reprint from issue #130. Well, the same things I said there stands here. Except...this joke...A man is buying a jumpsuit. "May I suggest one made of 100% duck down." "Sorry...no duck down. It may cause me to quack up."<br /><br />THE PEOPLE'S COURTROOM: Great bit...Judge Irving Horsenagel. It's all kind of dull and boring (unless you love court shows) so after three pages...<br /><br />THE ALL-NEW PEOPLE'S COURTROOM: Milton Mudflaps & Sondra Pitface...Dancing gals, lots of lights, a "Judgement Wheel" It's pretty awesome...The whole article (both halves) have a freedom and a roll to them. It's nothing I can spell out here because the jokes are all the same...It's the layout, the art and the variation in the panels. I don't know. I like this bit a lot.<br /><br />WHEN MEN AND WOMEN SHOP: Oddly enough, most of this is kind of true. The sexes do shop in different manners. A few of these (the woman trying on a thousand pairs of shoes and the man in the gun store trying to buy slippers) are cliches but many are spot on. Men get embarrassed buying women's underwear. But, women don't get embarrassed buying for men. Women use shopping carts more than men. At three pages, well, this one may be overstating it but, even if it isn't funny, it's rather charming.<br /><br />Am I drunk? I'm getting a real kick out of this issue.<br /><br />I am not drunk. I wouldn't be able to write if I did. <br /><br />I could be high, though.<br /><br />A CRACKED LOOK AT A SUPERMARKET: OK. Another reprint. From issue #115. Oddly enough, the one with the first appearance of M*A*S*H on it. The one pictured in the previous post. How's that for coincidence? What's going on CRACKED? Don't you release large numbers of reprint issues every month? What's with the double-up? Something to do with the approaching Issue #200 perhaps?<br /><br />THE CRACKED MOVIE IV: Little Miss Sunshine done by CRACKED...Not meaning to be a jerk, but this is as good as that movie. Mr. Sproul invests all their money in Rubick's Cube Dusctovers...it bombs so they need $25,000. So, Sylvester's Girlfriend Eva is being entered in a beauty pageant. So, the normal crowd of goofballs set off by train to go to Splunkville, Iowa...but the train breaks down so they have to hitchhike and, after some wackiness, they arrive at the big pageant. What happens? Read it and find out. This is better than III. On par with Part II but not as good as the classic first one.<br /><br />(I'm lying. I don't remember what the first one was about. Was that the world-wide race?)<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XX: The best one. A huge battle is going on in a field. In the foreground, a man is waving his arm. The balloon reads: "That's it, guys! The war's over! Thanks for coming. You can all go home!" 4 pages of the usual awesome.<br /><br />HOW TO BEAT THOSE VIDEO GAME PLAYERS: "At Last...Top Secret Strategy For Machines Like Yourself That Are Serious About Gobbling Up Coins!" The actual guide is only 2 sideways pages but it's charming. All about how video games can make players lose. Secreting oil onto the buttons. Flash subliminal messages "Your Parents want you to do some chores" onto the screen. Flash pictures of food. Use your "inside phone" to call a truant officer. i don't know what an "inside phone" is but I love it so much. Another fun, brief bit.<br /><br />LIFE IN THE 21ST CENTURY: Like the man and women bit, this one is kind of true. Shopping by computer. Sports players will be extremely pampered and get everything they want. All the rock groups that ended in the 80's would be back, The Who and The Rolling Stones. Again...nice.<br /><br />CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE AUTO KING: Holy Irving Krud! Another reprint! This is from issue #109, July 1973.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS: <br />1 - Shoe Woman<br />2 - Grampa!<br />3 - Star Trek<br /><br />TOTAL: Ride My Face To Chicago!<br /><br />Good stuff...<br /><br />BACK COVER: SAGEBRUSH...well, he hasn't been that funny for a while. I'd hesitate putting this on a back cover. Why buy it if all the gags are going to be like this? Luckily, I did buy it.<br /><br />I thought this issue was pretty great. The hits overwhelm the misses. We are entering the New World of CRACKED in high style. I can't wait to see where we go next.<br /><br />But, the reprints are a bit worrisome. 52 pages total (counting front/ back covers and inside covers). 11 pages of reprints. 21% of this issue is reprinted articles. The hell? Is this the beginnings of a trend? (Not to Overnerd it but if you don't include the covers...it's 11 pages of 48, which is apx. 23%, almost one-quarter of the issue.)<br /><br />Next issue: The New World meets the Transitional World. I want to see where this is going to go.Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37537508.post-83443966022855051542010-09-25T10:48:00.000-07:002010-09-25T12:16:46.109-07:00CRACKED #194: A Little Bit Sad<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7Gtrg1J-DKEVCpFMpYNAAniGdtz599Rd6guBNxUwupvlV7A9CEIJGtNaVa6jSlj5FvUFzXfEcH5DsXArMYo9zCeyeIBTd0ooAi4ESRTQlSULww-iEABPagwE5nSQ9I1s9F4J8/s1600/db_CRACK1941.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 296px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7Gtrg1J-DKEVCpFMpYNAAniGdtz599Rd6guBNxUwupvlV7A9CEIJGtNaVa6jSlj5FvUFzXfEcH5DsXArMYo9zCeyeIBTd0ooAi4ESRTQlSULww-iEABPagwE5nSQ9I1s9F4J8/s400/db_CRACK1941.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5520910207357202722" /></a><br />May 1983<br />by Pierre L.<br /><br />Remember last time when I mentioned the end of an era. Well, here is the Actual, Real End. M*A*S*H, after 11 seasons, ends. And, CRACKED says Goodbye to it...For once, the plain white background works perfectly. It's simple and not ostentatious. It's so nice to see our old friends in the background there. I wish they had made it kind of bigger. Maybe gotten rid of the stuff on top and moved the name of the Mazagine up a notch. But, it works.<br /><br />Let's head in.<br /><br />POSTER: Pee yellow and red! I feel a little ill. "DO NOT READ THIS POSTER" and lots of fine print about being in trouble if you've read this far. It's too bad these gags have to intrude immediately upon the solemn charm of the cover. Oh well. Don't you dare tear this cover off! But, if you do, hang up the front cover rather than the poster.<br /><br />TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Someone once said 'All good things must come to an end.' Well, apparently the television network executives believed that person. They have decided to cancel one of the finest shows in television history. Goodbye M*A*S*H! We'll miss you!" Wow...heartfelt sentiment from CRACKED. Do they have new staff there for 1983? Noah Candoo is the prrrff reedeer.<br /><br />LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: One person mentions five different CRACKEDs at once "...the March Knight Rider issue, Monsters - Collectors' Edition, a Super CRACKED, Giant CRACKED and an Extra Special CRACKED." Wow. I may review another CRACKED Monster thing for Halloween. Next issue - March 8, 1983.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQeRQn3DmdSvx6SxVlcROmMnJ4VDBkBTwvJipY2g8a61yzLiFRtEStPoo-Bfg8sXyzuKZeZ2ClvpkR3a1VNkXTYAnGe8EDuWhAoJLgbPLeH8_nDsuqlMsjcXwHTYFrhyYRpNeI/s1600/db_CRACK1151.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 242px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQeRQn3DmdSvx6SxVlcROmMnJ4VDBkBTwvJipY2g8a61yzLiFRtEStPoo-Bfg8sXyzuKZeZ2ClvpkR3a1VNkXTYAnGe8EDuWhAoJLgbPLeH8_nDsuqlMsjcXwHTYFrhyYRpNeI/s320/db_CRACK1151.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5520913665831890674" /></a><br />FAREWELL M*A*S*H*E*D - A CRACKED REMEMBRANCE: And so it goes. Hey look! It's the first issue they were on the cover of...#115 from March 1974...sigh. We'll get to that one eventually. Maybe I'll do a "Special Flashback" review to that one.<br /><br />Anyway... And, the war is over and everyone is heading home. There are flashbacks to bits that we hadn't actually seen in the magazine but they we always imagined happening (IE a Hot Lips shower scene to end all shower scenes). Everyone has their final puns. Hawkeye always kept two writers stashed in his footlocker. The old cast makes brief appearances...And, in the end, everyone realizes that what they'll miss the most is all the great perks of the job and that awesome weekly paycheck. Hey! That's comedy. Goodbye M*A*S*H. We shall miss you. And, we will definitely miss you in the pages of CRACKED. CRACKED without M*U*SH (my favorite) doesn't bear thinking.<br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XIX: Good choice. perfect placement of this article. It's only three pages but The CRACKED Lens shall never die! If the closing M*A*S*H bit had been followed by a lame filler article, I would have been pissed. This is a nice easer into the rest of the magazine.<br /><br />HOW COME?: Yeah. This is the bit that I'm glad they didn't put after the opening bit of awesome. "How come you're too old to play with your brother's Hot Wheels but too young to drive your dad's car?" "How come a bag of potato chips is impossible to open, and even more impossible to close back up?" "How come if you're supposed to be so smart, you're reading this magazine?" Yeah, you tell me...At two pages, it farts by and the smell isn't too offensive.<br /><br />CRACKED'S EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH AWARD: Nice two-page bit. Good gag. Feels, just a bit, like a reprint.<br /><br />TALKING CARS: Knight Rider Follow Up #1! A garbage truck says "Just what I need...another yummy morsel!" A car says to a guy making out with a gal "Oh, brother! What a cornball line! No wonder you have so much trouble making out with the chicks!" Apparently, GM and Ford announced that some cars would have voice computers. If so and if this article is them, they were sassy fellows. Flip to pages 3 & 4 of this bit and it expands nicely...Ads for Talking Cars and talking car movies and the new comic strips "Carfield". I like this article.<br /><br />THE CRACKED WORLD OF BAD HABITS: Is filler material like this a bad habit of CRACKED MAZAGINE? Four pages of this? All these gags are recycled from the Magical Land of MAD. But, as I've said before, when I was 10 and I would buy this magazine...every article was pored over and read again and again. The art is certainly entertaining but the jokes, really, aren't. Didn't matter. I would read through the magazine fast the first time and then let it marinate in my mind...Ahhh...good stuff.<br /><br />AN OWNER AND A PLAYER NEGOTIATING A CONTRACT...1982: Those darn Sports Strikes! The bit is OK but it's no big-ass bit of gaggery. I'm not a sports guy but I do like some sports jokes...This is all right.<br /><br />CRACKED EVOLUTION REVOLUTION: A three page bit with a series of well...let me give an example.<br />"Getting Food"<br />A caveman punches out a saber-toothed tiger...arrow to...<br />A Native American harvests maize...arrow to...<br />A buffalo has been bowed & arrowed...arrow to...<br />A pilgrim shoots a turkey...arrow to...<br />A snooty man fishes...arrow to...<br />A man in a cat a "Burger World" Drive-Thru window.<br /><br />You get the idea. "Worker" (ends with a robot), "Art Work", "Music" (they still hate rock and roll...cavemen bang on things and, today, "The Ozzy Ozbourne Band" look just like cavemen and bang on things), "Fighting", "Politicians", "Automobiles" (Knight Rider!), "Movie Idols" (Chaplin to ET), "Candy bars", "Athletes" and "Literature" (Hieroglyphics to CRACKED!)<br /><br />A charming bit. Obvious but charming.<br /><br />ROBOT REPORT: A robot article? Why? This is a magazine for robots. Ask Roberta Robot. T-Shirt Fads Hits Robot World. Join the U.S. Army Corps of Robots. Robots In The Spotlight. I'm not sure why the robot thing is here now. The article is OK but doesn't make me go wild. Sometimes I look at one of this articles and the layout seems to dare me to read on. That's what I feel with this one. "Why does it require four humans to screw in one light bulb?" "That's how many humans it takes to find one robot to do the job."<br /><br />CRACKED'S VIDEO CARTOON SHOWCASE: Video games ahoy! Two pages of Jeff Keate video game one-panel bits. pretty good. I like this guy. <br /><br />3-D HORROR SHOWS: The early 80's 3-D trend comes up and CRACKED links it all to horror films. And, I suppose, most of them were horror films. Odd that this is the first appearance of slasher-related stuff in CRACKED. It was such a huge part of early 80's Pop Culture. I would have thought it should have popped up sooner. The opening page is two crazy killers leaping out of the screen as they kill with cleavers and chainsaws. "This movie is a ripoff! In 'Halloween the 13th' they chopped up nine more people!" "Yawn! I haven't seen one eyeball come flying out of that screen in the last ten seconds!" "So far the biggest horror tonight has been these #@&$! 3-D glasses that won't fit over my regular glasses!" "That phony blood looks like the ketchup at Burger Queen!" "You're wrong! The ketchup at Burger Queen looks much more revolting!" That's the best part of the article...the crowd on the first page watching the slasher film. The remaining two pages are just 3-D gags applied to going to the Video Arcade and watching movies and going to the supermarket. <br /><br />Another OK bit.<br /><br />WHO IN THE WORLD DECIDED THAT...?" "...hailstones should only be measured in 'Ball-Size' units?" Just for that caption the article is worth a read. "Teeth have to 'Sparkle'?" "The length of everything on TV has to be in exact multiples of 30 minutes?" I like the art on this. The actual jokes are blah but it's fun to look at.<br /><br />GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: Stills with captions...captions filled with gags! Two pages and some funny moments. But, as I'm reading them, none of them really inspire me to describe them. So, maybe it's less memorable than I thought. Tough to say. Six panels, six captions and a couple smiles. I see Ernest Borgnine and I see a lady sliding across the floor. I see fun? Maybe.<br /><br />WHAT TODAY'S STRIPS WOULD LOOK LIKE IF THEY WERE DRAWN BY RONALD REAGAN: Dennis The Menace, Dick Tracy, Mary Worth, Hagar The Horrible, Garfield, Little Orphan Annie, Beetle Bailey, Peanuts, Momma, Blondie. First, I had no idea "Momma" was around back then. Second, "Little Orphan Annie" ended in 1968. Third, Garfield now loves jelly beans instead of lasagna. Hey! Some of this strips are actually funnier than the things they're based on. When was the last time Blondie or Beetle Bailey was funny? Well, some political stuff in CRACKED. Interesting angle on it. Dennis the Menace adds 2 + 1 and gets 5. "Haven't you ever heard of Supply Side Mathematics?" Hagar refuses to attack royalty or noblemen so he goes after a Union headquarters. Charlie Brown wants peace so he makes one giant snowball as a deterrent. Ronnie and his comics. I like this.<br /><br />SHUT-UPS:<br /><br />The hell? We're done?<br />1 - Prison<br />2 - Marriage<br />3 - Court<br /><br />I love shutting up.<br /><br />GREAT MOMENTS IN COMEDY: Slaves are tickled!<br /><br />Well, this issue opens hard and then trails off. The filler is inoffensive. The articles are, generally, fun. But, I really can't help thinking that I don't know where CRACKED will go from here. Where can they go? I guess a full-on Pop Culture reboot is in order.<br /><br />Next issue: Ahh...should have guessed it!Turbot's Finesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03448072615244695417noreply@blogger.com0