December 1981
by Pierre L.
Happy Raiders, everyone!
Great cover on this one. Hey! Where's the lame blue box or the half-assed outlines of things that should be completely colored in? This is a full-on funtime cover! It has less detail than a MAD cover but the more you look at it, the better it is. Something about Sylvester & Superman coursing out of the Ark of the Covenant. That's what the Germans saw in there when they opened it...
POSTER: It is Giant. They didn't lie. "The CRACKED Imported Eyechart" "Before buying any foreign car, bicycle, radio, or magazine, you musty pass this eye test. Place a piece of cardboard over right eye, stand 6 feet back, and read each character on the chart." And, the characters are, I believe, Chinese. And, it's a laugh and we had a good time.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Proof reader...On vacation. Three writers on this one: George Gladir, Randy Epley & Mike Ricigliano.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The contest from 180 has been won!
1st prize: Tom A. Bradley, Newark, Del.
2nd & 3rd prize: David Allard, Billerica, Mass. & D. Andrew Chin, Austin, TX.
I wish they listed all the mistakes that were on that cover.
Next issue - November 3rd
TRAITORS OF THE LOST ARK: This is a fun one, sort of like the Alien parody from back in the day. They replicate bits from the film and then the characters point out how it doesn't make much sense. For example, Toth grabbing the medallion and burning his hand horribly. Then, seconds later, Marion picks it up with a little scarf. That kind of thing. In the end, the Ark contains the script for the next Raiders film. And, it's fun. Good parody to open the issue. I prefer this sort of thing in the movie parodies rather than the straightforward gag-filled things. There's a little more creativity here.
IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS: It's gonna be one of those articles. Traces the day of a very unlucky person...from being unable to sleep to missing the bus to the cafeteria not having the food you want to all sorts of junk...It ends with dreams about the day. Fun, fun illustrations. The gags are pretty standard, though.
JOCK STATE UNIVERSITY BULLETIN: "WEER NUMBUR WUN"! An intro page. Then, two pages with a side layout showing the prospectus for the college. It's all about sports and doing sports things and...I'll be honest, I remember reading it but I don't remember taking much from it. Carry on!
ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VIII: I love it so much. Three pages of gags and word balloons that make me smile. I do, sincerely, hope that this is not the last one. There are Eskimos. For anyone who was wondering.
NEW MEDICAL MALADIES: Video Finger, Stereo Collideous, Shopper Shock, Rubik's Wrist, et al. Whenever they mention video game stuff, I love 'em. Plus, there are jokes about early walkmans. I got my first walkman around 1987 or so. When I started high school in Quebec...Always, always buy a good set of headphones. That is my advice to you.
Do you suffer from Pudendal Neuritis?
That malady is so 1979...
I think I suffer from Cracked-Sideious
"Disease that can be gotten by anyone anywhere. Caused by excessive, continuous reading of CRACKED. Victim becomes weak from laughter and is unable to stand, sit or drink a glass of water without dribbling it down his chest."
SUPER TYPES IN ORDINARY LIFE: Suburbanman! More side-layout shenanigans from the Boys & girls of Cracked! Incredible Mailman! He's a very good postal employee. Amazing Bartender! "Watch him use his super suction power to empty the glasses of those who've had too much to drink." Superior Trashman...Super Market Checkout Clerk...Terrific Teacher...Fantastic Ump...I think you can probably guess the gags for each of these.
THE CRACKED WORLD OF TELEPHONES: The telephone was patented in 1876. Now, 105 years later, CRACKED is giving it the ZOINK! Well done, boys. When the gags are this good, there's no need to be timely. Yes, Bob Spoonsucker is featured in this three-page article. Oddly enough, there are no jokes about teens using the telephone too much. It's mostly middle-aged men. There's this great gag...A guy keeps getting wrong numbers. They keep asking for Bob. Then, Bob calls and asks if there are any messages for him. Well, if you're going to be a century late on the jokes, why not use a joke that's several decades old.
I think this article is first for CRACKED. I don't believe that anyone was awake when they wrote and illustrated this article. Prove me wrong!
WHAT CHRISTOPHER REEVE (that super man) WILL BE LIKE WHEN HE GETS OLD: Hmm, charming or morbid? I don't know. The older Superman has retired to a condo in Miami Beach. Poopederman Away!
THE CRACKED MOVIE II: It's a musical. It's in Surroundsound. There are little "Tune of 'whatever'" listed underneath the songs. "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "9 t 5" get a workout. And, there are instructions like..."Please blow-up a paperbag and burst it to simulate the sound of the starter's gun." Bob Sproul sends his CRACKED regulars on a race around the globe against the staff of Time Magazine. Who wins? I don't know...But, let's just say that I expect a III in the future.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT AGAIN: People falling off of things. People beating each other up. Kids with Polaroid cameras. Believe it or not! Naw...it's fun stuff. Like The Cracked Lens, but more of a set up for the joke. At two pages, it's harmless.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE T.V. RATINGS KING: People watch some rotten shows and some of those are Nielsin [sic] families. Nanny (looking great) interviews ACDC Nielsin who runs the rating service. And, yep, it's kind of crooked and kind of crazy. And, it all helps keep BJ & the Bear and Sheriff Lobo around for years. There is one Family member who has gone crazy in the knowledge that what he watches keeps things on and off the air. The system is not perfect. But, Nanny might be.
SHUT-UPS:
1 - Big Al, the Tire King
2 - A dog named Lillian
3 - A blizzard
Total - Your Fat Mama
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: St. Augustine, FL, 7/29/1561
"Ponce De Leon Discovers the Fountain of Youth..."
But, he's become a baby and his co-explorers are just confused by this baby that is surrounded by Ponce's clothes. Of course, if they were all looking for the Fountain of Youth, couldn't they have guessed who this was?
If the Fountain of Youth is in Florida, I give up.
It's not a perfect issue. But, it's a fun issue. A nice closeout for the issues dated 1981. Although, it's not the last one that came out in 1981. If you find it, read it and enjoy.
NEXT ISSUE: He is back...Not the Fonz. Not Mork. Guess.
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