CRACKED #182: Right before the Start of Season Nine

November 1981
by Pierre L.

They are back. Is this their...fourth cover or fifth? I forget. It has been some time, though. And, the show goes on...This issue came out around August 11th, 1981. Season Nine would have been starting soon. Boy, that show was on for a while. I wonder what new things they have to parody.

Oh, what about that big blue box behind them? Classy!

INSIDE!

INSIDE FRONT COVER: "Everyone Here Brings Happiness...some by coming in, others by leaving." Have truer words ever been spoken? Not here, Jack.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Dick Shunary - I think he's been our proof reader before. Hey! JR again! I like JR? Hey, he's the man you love to hate! I wonder if people who he's wronged say that. "Well, he blackmailed me with a prostitute and ruined my career and caused me to go insane...I can't help but love the guy."

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: There is a letter from a man in Australia. It is printed upside down. The comedy is all there, stretched out before you. Next issue - September 22nd. I was beginning 3rd grade. The height of my time with CRACKED had begun!

MASHED: (I didn't include the stars. I got Pierre-sized lazy.) Turns out they have nothing more to say. This one kind of stumbles from vague re-heated joke to vague re-heated joke (Col. Blake makes another reappearance) and then ends. The panels are very large, which leads me to believe that "Popular Demand" wanted them back but the writer's were dry. Klinger tries to start another war and we get shots of the Doctors in the Revolutionary War and helping The Three "Moosketeers". It's innocuous and I had to make sure I didn't miss something when I wad done because it's very light. As light as it is, it's not bad. It just doesn't start things with a kick.

DULL VS. EXCITING: You know that this isn't the kick I was looking for. Dull on one side. Exciting on the other. Reading Material - The Autobiography of Morris the Cat DULL! CRACKED EXCITING! It goes like that for three pages. (They still can't find anything exciting about TV, circa 1981. Doctor Who was pretty interesting then. Go British!)

Did I really enjoy articles like this when I was 8-11 or 12? I can't imagine so because I find them so bland now. I would imagine I did this:

Grab the issue of the magazine rack of Wegmans or Bell's.
Buy it with allowance or begging.
Slowly flip through the issue. Looking at everything, smiling.
Read all the bits I'm interested in (MASH, for example).
Then, go back and read all the bits that didn't grab me the first time.
I would wring all 90 cents worth of value out of it.
But, I think these sorts of articles wouldn't have grabbed me.

Maybe I'll note "DULL" or "EXCITING" on the articles from now on as a gauge to whether or not I would have liked it as a child. Good idea.

ONE EVENING IN A POSH MIDWESTERN RESTAURANT: Funny one pager. EXCITING

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VII: EXCITING!, just like your mamma. A good round of the LENS. As readers know, I've always loved this bit. This one doesn't have an all-time favor tie in it but it's good for some yuks.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING SAGEBRUSH: EXCITING! Why not love Sagebrush?

NEW PRODUCTS TO MAKE KIDS FEEL EVEN MORE LIKE ADULTS: DUCITING! I don't think I'd now on this one. There are some amusing bits...The Custody Doll that is given to two girls at once. The Barbie Dream Home that has a mortgage. It's fun stuff and I love the art. But, I don't know if it would have grabbed me a kid. Possibly at three pages I would have breezed through and moved on.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING: THE PSYCHIATRISTS: EXCITING! I always liked the one-panel gags.

THE 15 WARNING SIGNALS OF HYPOCHONDRIA: DULL! Sorry. 15 panels. 15 things. I'm looking at it and can't get my eyes to read anything here. I'm pretty sure, as a kid, this would have sent me to Snooze Town. Hey! That one lady doesn't breath while visiting her sick friend. And someone else does something that I've forgotten but relates to the theme... Oh well.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: EXCITING! GARAGE SALE! I love it. This is a fun bit. Someone is actually working to get this bit done and I applaud them.

THE ZIGGY STARDOPPLE HANDBOOK TO TENNIS: Umm..DULL! It tries. Ziggy is a rotten Tennis Player who somehow gets to write a book. And, although the last part of that sentence describes the modern day world of publishing, I would have just shrugged at this far too busy and not very funny article. It's not quite a CRACKED guide and it's not quite something new and exciting.

YE HANG UPS: EXCITING! Some yuks. That's all I ask for.

HOW MODERN INVENTIONS WOULD HAVE CHANGED HISTORY: I don't know. It's two pages and it's done by that artist who makes things funny. But, it's just a series of short jokes about typewriters and food processors and sewing machines and things like that getting in the way of historical events. Not always in a good way. I think I would have read it and enjoyed it and hoped that the next article wasn't a parody of a rotten sitcom.

ALUCE: Crap. DULL show. EXCITING to read. It's just jokes about Aluce, Smell and Smeara. The food is lousy. Aluce is sassy. Smeara is stupid. Aluce's son shows up and does nothing. A guy condemns the diner. All in a day's work. I don't like the show but I like this parody. I guess that's the point. My God! This show was on for 9 seasons and had 202 episodes! The hell! Who watched this?

THE J.R. GIFT CATALOGUE FOR THE SUPER RICH: EXCITING - now and then but for different reasons. Then, I would have loved the gadgets. An Instant Vaporizer. A Life-Sized Monopoly Game. A huge "Camping Complex" for roughing it. It would have sparked my mind and made me smile. Now - it's JR. It's Dallas. It's awesome. Loved it!

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GREETING CARD KING: DULL! Yeah, unfortunately. I would have struggled then and I struggle now. I used to love Nanny so much but my verve has faded with time. She chats with a guy named ACE who makes greeting cards. There are funny cards, insulting cards and a card that ships you to your friend. It's OK. I was always disappointed that they ended issues like this. I guess I still am.

SHUT - UPS:
1 - Desert
2 - Fat Lady

EXCITING! Please, of course it is.

IRON-ON (incl. on back cover): Sylvester painting CRACKED on your shirt! I guess this is OK. No real joke. More of a CRACKED ad.

A decent issue. Half DULL, Half EXCITING. I guess that's what we should expect from here on in.

Next issue: That's a lot of pop culture!

CRACKED #181: Check out those robbers! Why aren't they colored in?

by Pierre L.
October 1981

It's not a bad cover but the whole cheapness of these things is getting to me. Where's the background? Why are the three robbers blue? They are not actually filled in. They're just outlines. It's as if no one filled them in. Was it really that expensive to actual fill in the cover? Isn't the cover the selling point of your issue? Why not put some life into it? "Hey Severin, draw Sylvester locking the Greatest American hero into a phone booth so he can't go after some robbers." "OK." "But, don't do anything with the robbers, just outline them." "Huh?" "Yeah. We may or may not color them. t saves ten bucks." "Why not fill the background in with beautiful colors and...?" "Don't say it." "...well, like MAD." "No!!!!"

POSTER: Inside front cover only. It's pink. A chart that shows "Prices", "Quality", "Jobs" and "Pollution". It works. It's comedy. It's alive.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Amy Stake" is back as the prufe reeder. I see Gary Coleman!

Robert C. Sproul, publisher
Bill Sproul, editor
Marion Sproul, associate editor
Joe Catalano, contributing editor

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - August 11th. In general, folks really enjoy the magazine. Thank Goodness. I'm still a bit iffy on it since we entered the 80's. Maybe it has something to do with a Sproul Overload. "Too Many Sprouls Spoil The Broth."

AMERICA'S GREATEST HERO: This is actually about as fun as the show, which I never quite understood. It seems like, premise-wise, this should be the most fun show ever. Why did it stink so bad? And, why is this parody not up to much? I shrug at it and watch the jokes fly at me. Oh CRACKED, can we break the formula!

THE CRACKED BOOK OF HANDY HINTS: Various things you can do to save cash and make a stash! "If you're out of perfume, but still want to drive your date wild, dab a little cocoa behind your ear." "Want a quick way to remove old, icky, unsightly bumper stickers from your car?" Hit it with a sledgehammer! (There is a fat lady here!) If Junior puts a mark on the wall, hang a painting over it. Even if it's real low! The bit has some smiles and some cool drawings. We picked it up!

STILL MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOT: This bit has become like The CRACKED LENS except with a lot more reading. Sid Melton is in one of the pictures. He played Alf Monroe on GREEN ACRES. It's odd...I think that the CRACKED LENS articles are becoming less funny as this article begins to take over.

Am I becoming cynical over CRACKED? Ghumdrop, talk to me! I miss you.

WHAT WE'LL MISS WHEN THE 80's BECOME THE 'GOOD OLD DAYS': People use laserwave dishwashers and read comic books on microfilm and have fifteen digit zip codes and there are a lot of clones and robots do housework. And, aren't these bits from 1958?

THINGS WE CAN DO WITHOUT: Well...
"Being Unable to Examine Something Before Buying It"
"Someone tall sitting in front of you at a movie theatre"
"Parents Making Excuses"
"Always being the one singled out in class"
"Always getting unfair treatment"
"Always being chosen last"

They're right. Let's do without them!

THE JR FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM: I love Dallas. I read this bit, which is mostly about JR being very rich. Makes we want to watch this show. At this moment, Season 11 is out on DVD. Where the hell is Season 12? What about that Season 11 cliffhanger? I won't ruin it but...JR is a jerk...again.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: The first time this has appeared. Two pages of fun word games. The first one? "VISION/VISION" = Double Vision. "ENDSENDS" = Making ends meet. I enjoy these bits although I think the solutions are always a little too close to the puzzles. I always tend to pick ahead.

THE FACTORS OF LIFE: Lots of Gary Coleman appearances. This is like the first appearance of Laverne & Shirley back in #135. The Fonz keeps appearing to boost the parody. Here, Gary Coleman keeps appearing. The Art is awesome in this one but the jokes are kind of "Ahhh". Not so great but it's a more fun read than The Greatest American Hero bit at the beginning. At 7 pages, however, this might go on too long.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VI: Three pages. Some laughs. I am worried that this bit might be running out of steam. I think they replaced the original writer.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO GOLF: Captions that get punned out by the drawings. "First, you'll need some clubs". We see a guy and his singing and rug collector's club. No... "Ah, let's put it another way. You'll need a set of irons." There is a man with a handful of steam irons. Can you guess what "a bag to hold your clubs?" involves. (See below) In fact, the constant punning on terminology wears me out by the end of Page Three.

JOBS YOU NEVER DREAMED SOMEONE DOES: "Door Knob Designer" "Baseball Seam Stitcher" "Dice Spot Painter" "Manhole Cover Designer". Two pages of quick "yuks yuks" and roll on.

IN THE ELECTRONIC GAME ROOM: A very funny video arcade related one-pager. Good joke.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE VIDEO KING: A guy who records everything. He doesn't care what it is; he tapes it. And, he has a big wife that dresses exactly like Nanny. it's a little odd. Nanny sort of strolls through this one and asks questions and the guy tapes a lot of things and we move on...

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Arrest!
2 - Bus!
3 - Slide!

ABS! Thank you, Cracked!

INSIDE BACK COVER: Your "Money Making" Iron-On!
"IITYWYGMAQ"
Do you know what that means? And, if you do, can you tell me why it's funny? There's possibly too much explanation needed to make this fun.

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Entertainment - Bingo invented and made popular by the emperor Ceasarus Saladus. It involves hanging slaves from a giant bingo board. I imagine that will get crowded as we go.

Ahhh...the magazine is going kind of bland on me. God, I wish we'd pick it up!

Next issue: Look who has returned.

*GOLF: There's a picture of an ugly, fat lady holding the clubs

CRCAKED #180: Wow! It's been a while since we had a cover like this

by Pierre L.
September 1981

No Pop culture stuff here! It's a "Win the 'Mistakes on this Cover' Contest!" It's a somewhat Old Western-type street with mistakes galore! I spot 1...2...3...4! 4 mistakes! Give me my wonderful prizes, please. The prizes are listed on the back (along with the rest of the painting) but they're also listed inside so we'll touch on them then. Hey! There's a background to this painting! Oh my... A Whole New World...

Let's step in...

The poster this month is THE CRACKED PUBLIC SERVICE EYE TEST. It involves saying words like "asparagus" really loud and looking around to see if people heard you. If they heard you and you see them hearing you, then your eyesight is awesome. No...yellow... background...here. Must be the special cover.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Lucus Over, prf rdr" "See Page 19 for contest details!" Feel free to jump ahead to Page 19.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 7th. Someone does mention the little Saboteur guys who were popping up all over the last issue. You know, I have to focus really hard to see them, most of the time. They do a decent job (at least, now they do) of blending them in with the surroundings.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRUNKEN WOMAN: A parody of The Incredibly Shrinking Woman with Lily Tomlin. A movie that was already a comedy so this parody is kind of a bit of a shrug. It's not really that funny and it made me think "I wonder if that movie still holds up?" They do include the ape that she pals around with, so that's a plus. At 7 pages though, I got to give this one a "Thumbs in the middle". It breezes by and I remember reading it as a kid and liking it but now...Ahhh...Let's hop to the next one.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF PETS: A series of several panel comics detailing problems with dogs, turtles and carnivorous fish. I actually really like the art in this one even if the jokes aren't up to much. Some of the reactions of the people (like in the "give away the dog" bit) save them. Not bad. A bit like this can't jumpstart a slow issue but we're holding steady.

WHEN HOLLYWOOD TOTALLY TAKES OVER WASHINGTON: Ronald Reagan hiring Sinatra as a Senator.The national bird has been changed to Tweety. It's more or less what you'd expect. Carter brought in a lot of peanuts. Reagan brings in the Hollywood Glitz. The last panel, however...Ted Kennedy preparing to star in a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Godspeed, Ted. I would have loved to have seen that movie.

PAGE 19: The Contest!

First Prize - Your own personal Video Recorder (Tape MASH! All the time!)
Second prize - Popular Atari Video Games (The fabulous game that you play on your own television!) I don't think it's the system. I think it's just some games.
4th to 25th Prize - One year subscription to CRACKED!

Should be fun. Good luck.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE UNPOPULAR IF...: Two pages about a lot of people allowing you to get hurt because you're unpopular. Enjoy!

CRACKED WAYS OF CONSERVING WATER: Have they done a bit similar to this already? Don't waste water! Shower on Monday but rinse off on Wednesday. Eat all three meals at the same time. Let your dog lick the dishes clean. Make coffee with cream soda. Paint your lawn green. There you go...Several water saving tips from CRACKED. They're amusing but not actually that crazy. Just a little "goof-goof-goofy."

A CRACKED LOOK AT THE WORLD'S WORST 'KNOCK KNOCK' JOKES: Oh dear. Two pages of clutter and bad jokes. I'll just hit you with the intro and the closer. Intro: "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "The delivery boy." "The delivery boy who?" "The delivery boy who's here to deliver the additional cold cuts you ordered for this inane Knock Knock party. Now, let me in." The whole shebang ends with: "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Nobody." "Well, I guess that puts an end to that." And, yes, the Frankenstein Monster is peering in on the top right. Either through a window, a hole in the wall or reflected in a mirror or it's his image in a painting or photo. I can't tell.

CRACKED'S SEQUELS TO CLASSIC MOVIES: A King Kong Sequel where they take him to the hospital. (King Kong Lives). A Wizard of Oz sequel where they take Dorothy to an asylum. (Return to Oz). Those are two quite good ones. There's a Gone With The Wind sequel that could be like Scarlett but I've never read or seen it. And, there's an Airplane! sequel, which is startlingly unfunny. Airplane! is very close in style to CRACKED so you'd think they'd get a joke out of it that's funny...No. No, they don't.

CRACKED'S UNUSUAL GIFT CATALOG PART II: Want a pair of "Ice-o-Metric Pants"? Well, here's your spot. Captain Kangaroo is hawking the new "Repel Wreath" to keep Vampires at bay. Not hot young vampires, I hope? There is a funny one here...A nun with a huge habit on is advertising the "Umbrella Hat". "Adjustable chin strap keeps hat secure even while sleeping!" It's two pages and it's fine.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF MOVING: Another one of these in the same issue. Are we becoming MAD? Four pages of these things with decent drawings and stale, stale jokes. I'm going to leap ahead.

PRESS MISTAKES!: These are OK. "Come in for free alterations on our drastically slashed suits!" A guy is getting fitted in a slashed suit. "Man arrested after being spotted by local artist." You can guess that one. Honestly? That Newspaper headline one from so long ago is much funnier. This is two pages and a breeze but nothing great.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!" Part V: Funny? Yes. But, not quite as funny as usual. I don't know why.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE COMEDY KING: Henny Hope Carson cracks us up! Nanny and her nephew Dickie head over to his apartment. He has a wacky wife and some wacky kids. You'd think this would be funnier...Am I all out of humor? I don't know. Nanny looks great and the wife has a humorous moment or two but it's not enough. Sorry.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Prison
2 - Clock
3 - Ship In A Bottle

Total - I [Heart] New York

Well...it's not a bad issue. It's just not funny. It has bursts of HUZZAH! but most of it is terminally bland. I hope we can pick it up soon. What's next?

Next issue: Oh, that's next.

CRACKED #179: Popeye? Don't you mean 'Poopeye'?

By Pierre L.
August 1981

The painting itself is fun. But, the cover is so cluttered. The UPC code and arrow in the bottom left-hand corner. The big yellow "INSULT TRADING CARDS" box, The "*Haven't read CRACKED yet!" thing. I kind of wish they would have filled in the background of the painting rather than piling junk on top of it. But, regardless...fun!

POSTER: Big, white UPC code. It's fun! I think. UPC codes have been around for ages now. I'm not sure why they're just bringing it up now. MAD did a UPC joke that was funnier back in April 1978. So, CRACKED is a bit behind here.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Amy Stake, again as proofreader.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: June 2nd - Next Issue MUNDOLOCO is CRACKED in Puerto Rico. You can play the "Can You Guess Which Cracked Magazine Are Free?" Game. $9 gets you 12 issues - two of them are free. Which ones? Anyone with Barney Miller on the cover, possibly.

THE DORKS OF HAZZARDOUS: They're by themselves here and it's fun. Bossy Hog and Sheriff Soultrain try to get the deed to the Duke's land because there's oil on it. There are car chases, Bossy Hog dresses up as a woman, Uncle Fussy wears Dizzy's short shorts and Dizzy gets a shower scene with two very large "CENSORED" strips. It's as dumb as the show but shorter. Actually, in the end, I prefer my Colorforms version of the Dukes. I would place it next to my Garfield and KISS colorforms and that...my friends...was an exciting world!

CRACKED'S UNUSUAL GIFT CATALOG: Big beards, glasses with one lens blackened, a steam harp and, my favorite, a toupee holder. Random photos have long text next to them describing the magical items. Example: "CRACKED'S Toupee Holder keeps toupee flat and intact all day long, no matter how active you are! Never again face the humiliation of losing your scalp while tying your shoes! -Comes in 3 attractive colors. - Head straps adjust to fit any head." Pretty fun bit.

HOW TO MAKE BASEBALL MORE INTERESTING: Some very funny bits in here but it's all so crowded. Text is piled on drawings, next to text, near drawings. It's all a bit too much and, although it stays funny until the end, I find myself looking around the room a lot. I like the new obstacles for outfielders section. There's a pit they can fall in. Arms shoot out of the back wall and try to stop him from moving. And, a scary jack-in-the-box head leaps up to scare the fellow. Other things? Steal the baseman with the base. Spin a numbered wheel to see how many balls and strikes you get. And, add a lot more runners to the bases. Good bit.

IT ISN'T AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS:
"The low pressure system from the south will combine with the high from the west creating nimbostratus accumulation..."
"TRANSLATION: It's going tor rain!"

"Looks like panicum sanguinale to me."
"TRANSLATION: Your lawn is full of crabgrass!"

Two pages of that. It's brief and a breeze. Not particularly funny but a breeze.

THE GROWING GARBAGE PROBLEM AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT: I think they did a similar bit like this some time ago but I'm not quite sure. All right, this article rocks. Why? "Fonzie Cut Outs" Love it! One of the ways to cut down in garbage is to send all old fads and burnt out pop culture to Third World countries. And, yes, there is a little girl sitting in the desert reading "Fonzie Cut Outs". It's awesome. So... The first two pages are about how garbage is swallowing us alive. The last two pages are about how to cut down on garbage. Apart from what I just mentioned, they suggest TV dinners where the packaging is edible. (I think that's nabbed from a Bob & Ray bit.) Print newspapers on cloth. When you're done reading, wash them and give them back to the paperboy. In the end, you have to make garbage valuable. That's the only way to make it palatable. God, I love the "Fonzie Cut Outs".

INSTANT EPITAPHS: This is the middle of the issue two-pager and it's OK. Headstones with very appropriate epitaphs. What makes this very interesting are the...

CRACKED INSULT CARDS: Perforated cards that are included within the center pages. And, they're great. They really rip you up. Possibly, because you suck? "If your face is your fortune, you must be broke!" "I'm conducting a survey. Please reply to the following statement by checking the appropriate box. 'I feel the person that handed me this card is the greatest.' Be Honest!" And, there are two boxes. Both marked "Yes" "I'd like to help you out. The door's over there!" Loved it!

POOPEYE: I remember this one from when I was a kid. (The parody, I mean.) And, it really took the movie down a peg. I didn't enjoy it when I was young. And so, CRACKED! Haul off and take it down! I'm grown up now. A year ago, I watched Popeye on DVD and it's pretty great. The songs are fine. The acting is wonderful. And, the design of the town is astounding. It's a fun movie. Not Altman's best but damn fine. So, now, this parody makes me sleepy. Sorry. I agreed with it once but now I think it's just lazy. Sorry. Move on, Elvis!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really, mean it this time, for sure!) Part IV: Come on and laugh with me! This has two of my favorites. An old couple sits at a table. The lady says "Yes, both John and I use your product--but personally, I think it stinks!" And, a guy sits in a bathtub fully clothes with about 10 guys standing around him. He yells, "Will you guys get outta here and let me take my back?!"

HOW TO READ THOSE TRAVEL ADS: Basically, we see an ad for a vacation spot and a little caption on the bottom detailing what really happens. And, can I be honest, everything sucks. Polluted seas and food poisoning are only two of the bits of wonder here. It's two pages and it's OK.

CRACKED'S PERSONALITY PROFILE COMPARISONS: On the left is the perceived audience for something. On the right is the actual audience. Better Homes & Gardens isn't read by high society dames. It's read by lower class broads. Dallas isn't watched by regular folks. The Ayatollah watches to learn from JR. Time isn't read by high class businessmen but by bums picking it from the trash. Three pages. No waiting!

DANGEROUS BARROOM ENCOUNTERS: I've read it but for some reason it passes over me without feeling. I should really read the opening blurb...Read. It's take-off on the mechanical bull thing in bars. Stuff to add to bars to get a thrill. One is "Drinking Water at a Mexican Resort. They have a water cooler filled with Mexican water. You pay two bucks to be a "Macho Man' and drink. Then, you simulate winters in Buffalo by standing in a freezer.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE INSURANCE KING: Sy Pringle sells insurance for everything! And, Nanny gets him on it...but she buys insurance in the end...Nanny? What's going on? Oh, I am disillusioned! She fell for the chicanery...hard! Why, Nanny, why? Let's go on to the Shut-Ups.

SHUT-UPS
1 - Bite
2 - My
3 - Crank

Shut Up, would you please?

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Technology - Ooga Booga Almost Invents Fire. But, he doesn't. Presumably, his family dies.

A decent issue. Not mind-blowing but a standard sort of CRACKED uneven thing that's definitely worth your time and money. Why not?

Oh, and this issue features the last name "Horsenagel" in two articles? Why?

Oh, and this issue has the little "Saboteur" guys all over the place. All mixed in amongst the panels causing trouble. They will expand their business soon.

Next issue: Horsenagel!

CRCAKED #178: For real this time!

by Pierre L.
July 1981

Let's please try to get this back on track. Please.

There's the cover, huge and proud. Isn't it something? I think it's the fourth or fifth time Mr. Coleman has been featured and every time is a joy. I am a bit disappointed in the background...again. Have a look at it. There's Arnold, Sylvester, Willis & Mr. Drummond. There's the rope and the cookie jar...But, look at everything else. The doorway, the counter, the shelf, the mug. They all look vaguely sketched in. Was this cover not finished? Where, in fact, is the rest of the picture? Isn't this kind of ridiculous?

Was Ghumdrop right about the quality of CRACKED?

No! Let's go in!

POSTER: CRACKED Automatic Digital Weather Forecaster - There's a big blue box in the middle. If it's wet, it's raining. If it is moving, it's windy. If it's white, snow. Well, they're not proving much here. I had always thought that this was the Polish Weather Station?

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Willy Erralot - pruffff rdrer" C'mon Mad! You got somethin' like that!?

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Charming, erudite and oh so witty. "Are any of your writers ambidextrous? No, they are mostly Protestant, Jewish & Catholic. Hey HEY! They zinged 'em pretty hot on that one! You see, ambidextrous isn't a religious thing but the editor acted like it was and so we all ended up with gag all over our shoes! "Next issue - April 21st"

DIFF'RENT STROKES: CRACKED is so good...they don't need to fiddle with the title! Mr. Drummond drops his wallet out the window. Conold misinterprets Mr. Drummond saying he's lost all his money as "Dad is out of money!" So, all the kids band together to help him out. Babysitting, dish washing and pinching Conold's cheeks pull in $64.50. Not bad! But, in the end, Conold's gets his ass walloped with a book. And, Mr. D asks why they have the golf clubs out. "[To] practice diff'rent strokes, of course!" Take that, MAD!

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOT: Is this becoming a regular bit like the CRACKED LENS? It is pretty amusing. My favorite: Two Arabs with coins. One is biting down on the coin. "In Syria during the fourth century AD, Syrians barely had enough money to eat (but they ate it anyway). Another one? A guy on the ground in the middle of the street. He's from a city that is so strict on jaywalking that residents sneak across the street in the middle of the night for excitement. Nice!

WHY IS IT THAT: Certainly, the drawings are funny. But, the observations are "Stand Up Comedian Day Olds". "Why is it that waitresses always ask how the meal was when your mouth is still full?" "Why is it that new and improved always works the same as before, but costs twice the price?" We're going to call a draw here. This bit was never funny in CRACKED or MAD. Move on, Elvis!

THE CRACKED WORLD OF STAYING SHAPE: MAD, unfortunately, does this one better. Their bits are always filled with hippies and women's libbers. This bit...nothing. The article is a series of random strips of varying lengths all about staying in shape. Hey! Sometimes when folks workout and such they get achy or get hurt! God, I miss that guy from MAD with the glasses and the pipe who always stars in these. You know who I mean? Davis Merkle? Isn't that his name? Oh wait, there is a fat lady in this... Does that qualify it as "Whack-ass" funny? Hmmm...

CRACKED'S LOOK AT SUPERSTITIONS: 13, black cat, umbrellas indoors. CRACKED takes them all and rubs them and rubs them until comedy sprouts! Yes, this is good. The drawings are funny. The jokes about superstitions are hilarious. In fact, they're so hilarious that I'm not going to tell you any of them for fear of comedy rupture! Take that, MAD! Bring on the yuks 'cause we got big-time HA HA! 's happening here!

HOW YOU PICTURE A BUSINESS OPERATES & HOW IT REALLY DOES: At a TV repair shop, trained technicians don't actually fix your stuff. Some guys kick your TV! A stock broker doesn't choose wisely. He closes his eyes and zoink! Stuff like that. We learn and we love. It's all thanks to CRACKED.

CRACKED VISITS A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE SET: It's possible to enjoy the drawing of a large movie set but it's impossible to enjoy the jokes, which all stink. If MAD did this bit, it would stink there, too. Let's go to the second half and confront the comedy.

THE CRACKED MOVIE: Well, there was an actual MAD movie - Up The Academy. Rent the DVD and give it a try. It's surprisingly not-that-good-at-all. The script is about as generic as you can imagine. Maybe they should have hired some National Lampoon writers instead of the two guys who were going to write Top Gun? What do I know? Anyway...Mr. Sproul calls his regulars, Sagebrush, Sylvester, the Talking Blob and the Hang-Up guys to his office. Nanny's been kidnapped! So, they hunt her down through various and assorted fun-fun-funny bits...In the end, the kidnapper? Alfred E. Neuman! He's trying to sabotage their movie so it bombs like Up the Academy did! Well, it doesn't work. Mainly because this isn't a movie. It's an article in a magazine, which no one but me remembers. At least, Up The Academy is on DVD, letterboxed. Oh, CRACKED! This is becoming tragic.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really mean it this time, for sure!" PART III: Ahh...relief. I don't know if MAD had a bit like this and, frankly, please don't tell me if they did. 3 pages of soothing balm. A little break before we return to the reality.

OTHER "NO FRILLS" ITEMS & SERVICES: A No-Frills Doctor lines everyone up with a big multi-thing stethoscope and checks everyone's heart at once. A No-Frills Pet Stores just keeps dogs in barrels. What are they? Who knows? The No-Frills Paperback Book is just a pile of pages. Same with the No-Frills Magazine (that magazine is CRACKED). Well, CRACKED certainly has a "no-frills" policy on its covers. This bit is amusing but not too stimulating.

LITTLE KNOWN BABY PICTURES: Thank Christ for the Fonz! They take baby pictures and put celebrities faces on them. Steve Martin says "Oops, well excuse me!" And, the Fonz talks about how cool the monkeybars are." The Beatles are there and so is Stallone. It's a bit of a disconcerting article but it brought a smile to my face.

Uh oh, I think I'm trying to coast fast to the end. I need to slow down and review and adore and show the CRACKED-haters where they can stick it. C'mon CRACKED! Prove me right!

IF NEWSPAPERS EMPHASIZED GOOD NEWS: A shot at satire and it's pretty amusing. "Chemical Dumping found to be very helpful" No more crabgrass! Of course, there's also no life at all but... Kind of a sad bit but then I guess the best satire is usually pretty sad at its heart. "Boston Firm Allows Employees to bring children to Work" Child labor. -- Well, some of it is kind of sad. "Hometown Girl Makes it Big in Hollywood" That's about a fat lady that celebrities use to empty out their pools at the end of the season. (She jumps in the pool.) That one's just odd because you can swim in a pool all year round in Hollywood...The joke doesn't work if you understand the weather. Satire and silliness...CRACKED's real strengths. Overlong articles & lazy jokes...Their big weakness.

CRACKED INTERVIEW THE VACATION KING: Pretty amusing bit. The guy isn't actually ripping anyone off. He sells budget vacations. You want to go skiing in the Alps. Some folks go to your living room and rig it up like a fake mountain. You want to tour Tokyo. You sit on a fake bus as slides are shown and folks walk by with building mock-ups, like parade floats. You want to go away for a while. Your house becomes your hotel. They even guarantee a day of rain in there. Actually, not a bad idea. If you can't get away for a vacation, why not try this?

SHUT-UPS
1 - Fat
2 - Fat
3 - Meat Loaf

There's wisdom in there somewhere.

BACK COVER: A monk invents the copy machine...and it's wacky!

Well, maybe MAD is better. Maybe that's the point. MAD is sharper and funnier. But, CRACKED is for a younger crowd. It's for a kid to grab and enjoy and get a few smiles from. It's a place where they can visit old friends from TV and movies when they aren't readily watchable. It's a place where they can learn some of the old jokes that their grandparents enjoyed. It's a place...At its best, I love the place where CRACKED is. So there...

Ghumdrop, bring on the stink!

Next issue: CRACKED or MAD? I don't know.

Congratulations, CRACKED! You are sooo Original!

What in the name of Hell?

Pierre L. here...

I'm sorry about that last post everyone. I've tried to contact Ghumdrop but his phone is no longer working. And...I can't delete that post! Could someone please help me? I don't know what he did! He said he'd be back. What does that mean? I don't want a MAD review up here. Now, I have to review that issue of CRACKED myself.

Ghumdrop!! You have betrayed me!!

CRACKED #188: Our Brand New Cookie Man! - Guest Review!

July 1973
Re-imagined by Ghumdrop Vincent Burlington III

Neuman is The One True Man! Look at this cover. Rub it on your congested area and feel the mentholated fumes! This is comedy! This is the Glory! This is MAD...I love it so. And, hey DA!, is that Cannon on the television there? Hey, Cannon!

Will you go in with me, my sweet friends?

INSIDE FRONT COVER: MAD SPECIAL NUMBER TEN I've got three words for you...Blort! Dawk! and Glork! Bite it all others! Don Martin should be canonized by the Roman Catholic Church. St. Don Martin. "Down with relevance! Spread the irrelevant word...with...DON MARTIN NONSENSE STICKERS. I do not yet own MAD Special Number Ten. You just hold on, you ugly SOB!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Tears are the hydraulic force through which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power!" - Alfred E. Neuman So true. What do you think would happen if I changed my name to Ghumdrop Vincent Neuman the First?

LETTERS DEPT.: Woah! Hey! "Just the other day I was sayin' to my wife: Those guys at MAD sure get away with murder! Peter Falk as 'Columbo' Hollywood, Calif." We love Falk. Have you ever watched Columbo? You should. (Pierre hates it. He loves Barnaby Jones. What do I have to say? F, Barnaby Jones!) Look at all the MAD Paperback books for sale! They are cooking them out.

The Bedside MAD
Son of MAD
The Organization MAD
Like MAD
The Ides of MAD
Fighting MAD
The MAD Frontier
MAD in Orbit
The Voodoo MAD

And so many more. And CRAZY thought it was popular. Ha!

TELL-TALE COMIC STRIP BALLOONS: I'm warm here. Very warm. Why? Because Don Edwing and Bob Clarke have brought it around to me... A series of comic strip panels with word balloons that shank up the comedy! Por Ejemplo: Andy Capp says to his pal "You can count on me to be there if you ever need me Ol' Pal!" But, the word balloon is a large knife jabbing into his pal's back. Peanuts: Charlie Brown on stage saying "...which reminds me of another funny story." And, the words are in a bomb! And, the best...Veronica saying to Archie "Archie, I have to talk to you..." Her words are in a stork with a baby in its beak.

Oh...the love and goodness of this opening!

CANNONBALL: It's Cannon! And he's fat and he's always eating. A lady arrives at Cannonball's office saying her husband was murdered and she's under suspicion! So, Cannonball goes after whoever really did it. And, it involves a lot of eating! As always, I will not go deep into it because the comedy must be swum through and absorbed into your nether spots. The simple words I would say to you would not give you an iota of the comedy that Dick De Bartolo is rubbing right into it. God, drop everything and enjoy this! Aren't you a good person? Do you suck?

DISTINCTIVE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS: The list...
From a Liberated Woman
From a Liberated Man
From Loyal Parents
From Proud Parents
From Happy Parents
From Distressed Parents (Announcing a Nude Wedding!)
From Very Distressed Parents (Announcing a Commune Hippie Wedding!)
From Totally Distressed Parents (Charles is marrying Herman!)
From A Future Bride
From a Mafia Chief
From a Delighted Couple
From a Gossip Columnist
From a British Columnist
From a British Nobleman
From a Pro Football Team Owner
From An Espionage Agent
From a Film Star
From a Discount Store Owner

Ahhh, I love these articles so much. The text, the grey pages, the laughs and the loves. Sweet.

ONE DAY IN THE NORTH WOODS: Don Martin! One page with a HA HA! at the end. He never disappoints.

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LEISURE TIME: Dave Berg is everything good and nice in MAD. He teaches me so much about the way we spend out Leisure Time. For examples: Two ladies talking. 1ST: It says here that never before in history has there been a civilization with more leisure time, and the means to enjoy it! 2ND: Is that what it says? Let me see...on Monday, I have my Painting Class! Tuesday is my Mah Jongg game! Wednesday is golf! Thursday is P.T.A. Meeting! Friday is theater night...and on the week-ends, we're at the house on Candlewood Lake...WITH ALL THAT TO DO...WHO'S GOT TIME FOR LEISURE?!" Does that sum it up for you? Yes, there are hippies and Women Libbers so everyone is covered.

A MAD LOOK AT SHEET MUSIC: "Almost Like Being In Love" With Jackie O. and Aristotle Onasis on the cover. "The Best Things In Life Are Free" showing people looting a store. "The Sidewalks of New York" show a dog dumping a fat load. "What's It All About, Alfie?" is our man...sweet Alfred. I love and laugh at this again and again.

SPY VS. SPY: Comedy vs. non-Comedy! Comedy wins!

MAD'S CORPORATE ECOLOGIST OF THE YEAR: Arthur Godly interviews Mr. Gregory Garble about what corporations are doing for the environment and to stop pollution. Actually, if I may be Frank rather than Ghumdrop, he doesn't seem to be doing very much. There's a garbage and smog and mess everywhere. In fact, they're doing more to sell pollution. God, I love pollution! I smell like crap!

A HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK THAT TELLS IT LIKE IT REALLY IS: Rolling Stones High School - 1973 'Roller Yearbook The Principal is there through graft. The most Popular Teacher has apparently had sex with a lot of the students. They play sports, they do this...or even that. This looks a lot like my high school year book. I liked it so much it made me feel like a man...a man who remembered things about a high school year book! Feel free to own and enjoy the magical good time...God, I'm so drunk right now.

You guys want to go out maybe, after the review?

A MAD LOOK AT WEDDINGS: Sergio is petty cynical about marriage. From the Jewish wedding where the groom crushes the wine glass and has to get medical treatment to the people who care more about the buffet than the wedding, he squeezes it and I receive the fruits!

ONE DAY WITH A WISHBONE: A lot of people dying in Don Martin's work today. And I say, good riddance! Kill 'em all! Thank you, Don.

GOING THY WAY/ GOING WAY OUT: Old-style religious film with Bing Crosby. New-style religious film with Donald Sutherland as a hippie-esque priest. Oh MAD, you make my heart weep when you take on the Hollywood establishment like this! Take me on next! Please!

MAD FOLD-IN: Which of Nature's Ravages Continue to Defy Modern Technology? You've been Jaffee'd!? Great stuff.

BACK COVER: "Keep America Beautiful" Oh no, someone put graffiti all over Mount Rushmore!

What an issue! What a wonderful magazine! My sides have split from the hilarity. Sometimes I wish this was CRACKED because

CRACKED Blows Hard!

Pierre L Sucks! I'm outta here. Read a better magazine, you nerds!

GVB3