Two of the hottest items in the stores these days are Tuscan peppers - just one bite and you'll know how hot they really are - and electronic calculators. Bought mainly for mathematical problem solving in the past, these space-age devices are now about to take on a whole new role. So grab your machines and get set to try
CRACKED'S AMAZING CALCULATOR READOUTS
1)If Mr. Bixby, Mr. Cullin and Mr. Cosby all entered a room at the same time, what would you have a lot of?
(28,849 x 2 + 20)
2) What a woman often does when asked her age?
(2,145,447 x 3 - 1,118,996)
3) A witch usually wears Cover Girl on her nose when she goes out because she's trying to conceal a ____?
(3498 + 3608 +2)
4) Mary wanted something sweet for her birthday, so John gave her a box of ____ and told her tow wait a week.
(81 x 81 - 1223)
5) What you'd send if you learned King Kong was coming in a hour for breakfast?
(38 x 38 + 71 - 1010)
6) What Tonto always said when people asked him why the Lone Ranger always got to wear the mask.
(36 x 36 + 27,541,271 x 2)
7) What a person says when Richard Nixon reiterates, "But really, I am NOT a crook!"
(1.61616 divided by 4)
8) What Texans think Mt. Everest is.
(34 x 34 x 7 - 378)
9) To whom 30% of your pay check goes to every month.
(35,445,672 x 2 + 186,001)
10) How the British pronounce what's on the bottom of a shoe OR what Bruce the great white's favorite appetizer is before having filet [sic] of human.
(12 x 12 x 2 + 445)
11) What a husband does when he gets his wife's credit card bills.
(1,161,068 divided by 2)
12) What you will become if you read CRACKED for 8 hours straight.
(1434 - 663)
Article reprinted from CRACKED MAZAGINE #147, page 12. Author unknown.
Friday, September 28, 2007
by Pierre L.
What a great cover! We haven't had a cover like this for a while. Apart from the taglines, no pop culture references. Just Sylvester and some goofiness. I missed this. Let's head in...
The Poster is another great Sylvester-themed picture. "Sylvester the Janitor!" with a little jab of comedy right under your belt. Ahhh, the magazine feels young again.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Well, the contents look the same as always. That was fun while it lasted.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: I don't know why but I've just been itching to dive right into the bulk of the issue as of late. Would you care to join me? Next issue - November 8th
STAR WARZ II - Sheep on the Planet Crackabor are being dewooled by Dark Badar! Why? Who knows? The folks at CRACKED might but I've forgotten. It's fun to think that they anticipated the sequel immediately. Too bad it's so CRACKED. Maybe they need a writer working for them who wasn't one of Milton Berle's favorites from 1949? I don't know. The art is great, as always, and there are some decent jokes but this just feels like space being taken up with a "guaranteed to sell magazines!" article. I wish The Fonz were in this. Kirk and Spock from Star Trek are, though. I'm not a Star trek fan but I did go to see the first movie in the theater. I fell asleep a lot. In the last panel, Spock and Kirk hold up a sign saying that they will return in Spring. Of 1978, I imagine. But, the movie opened in 1979 and it wasn't very good. Maybe I need to see it again.
What was I talking about? Oh Star Warz II. Well, I can assure you that every child with action figures was coming up with better stories than this one.
CRACKED'S AMAZING CALCULATOR READINGS: Fun! See addendum.
THE CRACKED HISTORY OF ART: More fun. Great art mixed with some good gags, including Dick Clark having a $20,000 pyramid built in ancient Egypt and Leonard Da Vinci's earliest drawings. He started as a cartoonist. The first drawing is a guy with a broken fife being handed a fife by another guy. The second guy says, "Take my fife, please!" A guy reading the cartoon look confused and says that he doesn't get it. I sure do! It's comedy you blockhead. Go piss up a tree! At four pages, this one is a sweet-smelling breeze.
EXERCISE MANUAL AND HOT DOG STUNTS FOR SUPER HEROES: Funny. It's a manual for super chin-ups and levitating push-ups and diagrams for Solitaire Tennis and the Home-Run Bunt. I like it. However, the artwork and the layout smells of the late 60's to me. I can't say for certain that this is a reprint but it sure might be. If anyone knows, give me a yell.
A GLOOMY INDIAN STORY: A one-pager. Good chuckle. Fun, slightly demented, artwork.
IF PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE ADVERTISED: Apparently this was considered such a ridiculous thing at one time that articles like this could be written. Lawyers and doctors and dentists advertising? Not on this Earth! Well, they didn't then. And, this article is OK. "Are you divorcing more, but enjoying it less?" My favorite line from the "Ned's For The Defense" ad. Actually, it's a fun article (it's been a pretty fun issue).
A CRACKED LOOK AT NEW YORK CITY: Here is my advice: Do not read the jokes. Look at the drawing. The drawing is superb. (It includes a store called "Sproul's" with the words "Smoke Cracked" on the front window.) It's very detailed and funny. The jokes get in the way. Sometimes you have to look underneath what they're actually doing to get to the good stuff.
My copy has two postcards in the center. "Greetin's From Herkimer County" and "Greetings From Brooklyn". They're great! Really, they're OK.
The Cracked Bookstore: Fonz for President still on sale!
CHATTERBOX WEEKLY: It's a completely frivolous entertainment magazine that actually is not much different from stuff you'll spot on the checkout line today. The cover features Telly Savalas -- Selling advertising space -- on his big, bald head! Lots of text heavy stuff here but it's worth a read. Chewbacca and Farrah and The Carter Family (not the singing one) and Jimmy J.J. Walker and everybody you could imagine. Jimmy J.J. buys Peter Frampton's new album. After listening to Side 1, he is heard saying "Now, I think I'll listen to side 2." I've seen this one re-printed in collector's editions so you should be able to run across it pretty easy.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO MUSCLE DEVELOPMENT: All about getting toned up and in shape. High energy foods? A basket of light bulbs. How do you warm up? A winter jacket and a muffler. It's stuff like that and I think your tolerance for sheer silliness will determine how much you like this one. I love it so...Here's One For Your Mom!
WHAZ' HAPPENING?: It's fun. A good TV parody always makes me smile. But, again, there's something about picking a comedy and pointing out the things that crop up again and again in it that seems odd. That's what makes a sitcom a sitcom. Characters repeating themselves in slightly different ways week after week. And, let me be honest, loud, fat people on TV are damn funny. Two of them are funnier than Jesus should allow. What's the plotline here? Who cares? Are there jokes that seem to come from the Henny Youngman Joke File? Hell yeah. Do I like it? Surprisingly, more so than Star Warz II. Let's see what's next.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE WRITING KING: Actually, Nanny calls him the "CRACKED" Writing King. So, this one is filled with in-jokes. Mr. I. M. Amoron is lazy and not funny but Bob Sproul met him when he was picking through trash (both of them were, actually. Mr Sproul was looking for jokes.) and made him the head guy. At least Cracked can pick at themselves. Of course, that's where Mad has based most of its humor so... Who knows? This interview is the most fun in ages because it references many of the writers and artists and is having a good time. Maybe after this Nanny should take a vacation...or come to my house and massage me.
1 - 1/2 (Guy with big nose)
2 - 3/4 (Guy run over by tank)
3 - 5/6 (Guy with funny beard)
Total: I'm just goofing around.
(BACK COVER) THE ANGRY ELEPHANT AND TARZAN'S SON: From the same guy who did the earlier Indian one-pager. A nice closer.
I liked this issue. Only the Star Wars parody made me shrug. The rest of it ranged from funny to time-passing. And, with No Fonz, that's all I can expect. This is one worth reading.
NEXT ISSUE: The Force ain't goin' nowhere!
Friday, September 21, 2007
by Pierre L.
Well, you knew it was coming. Star Wars is here! And, it will almost be as big as The Fonz. Expect heavy Star Wars presence over the next batch of issues. Good or bad? Let's see. There are free gifts inside so that's something.
THE POSTER: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, LIFT FLAP!" And, if you lift the flap it tells you to knock it off. Only lift it if there's an emergency. I don't know if I have time for this kind of chicanery.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Same proof reader as last time. Looks like a fun issue...
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Two pages of magic. "Next issue - September 27th"
STAR-WARZ: Excellent parody. Well, pretty fine parody. Again, the movie parodies don't always grab at me as strong as I'd like but this one is pretty nice. This feels a lot like every joke-filled parody that kids made after the movie came out and it's no worse for that. I'm tempted to detail everything in this one but I think that would be silliness. This is good stuff. You should seek this article out and give it a read. (It's probably in a CRACKED SPECIAL somewhere.)
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO CANOEING: I've been canoeing a lot and this guide would have definitely come in handy. This article is of the "Straightforward captions with wacky pictures" variety. It's all right. Somehow it feels very odd coming after Star-Warz. Almost like the magazine is trying to bring itself back down to earth. The previous article went all over the place. This one is blocky and text-heavy. It's a bit of a sharp yank.
ON CAPITOL HILL: A clever little one-page zing. An interview with a politician that caps off with a nice punchline.
WHEN THE COUNTRY RUNS OUT OF WATER: All sorts of little gags about what will happen when we run out of water. Crooks stealing water coolers. Ice cubes being more important than diamonds. Things like that. Some funny illustrations here. The best bit? "Conserve Water-Drink Booze!' I'll get behind that.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO JOGGING: Another guide already? And, this one is of the same variety. And, it looks really familiar. I don't think it's a repeat but maybe they should have kept this for the next issue. If there had been only one of these Guides in this issue, Awesome. Two is a bit much. Some fun captions and pictures but I wandered away halfway through.
What an odd issue so far. They started off with a bang and they're doing their best to back away from it. Why?
FRUSTRATIONLAND: Fantastic! Instead of "A Cracked Look at...", we have this. An amusement park full of annoyances that people can knock around. Burn IRS Forms. Take a tank trip down the highway. Abuse a Farrah Fawcett-Majors lookalike. Pretty funny and kind of sad at the same time. You can't really eliminate your problems but you can go to an amusement park and pretend like you can for a while. Well...
There are also little CRACKED COVER STICKERS in the center. Various issues of the magazine from the 50's and 60's. It's pretty sweet. Strangely, several of them resemble MAD covers.
FRINGE BENEFITS ATHLETES WILL SOON BE DEMANDING: Their own personalized cheerleading squad. Brow-wipers for tense bowlers. Padded basketball hoop rims. Things like that. It's OK but I didn't find myself nut-cracking over this one.
CRIMEDOM'S MAIL ORDER CATALOGUE: Things for crooks like mugging tips and mouthwash for whoever gives you the kiss of death. In fact, the mouthwash joke was just used in the Fringe Benefits article. This one's all right but I have a tough time getting too jazzed up about it. This issue is losing me.
THE GREAT AIRLINE WAR: Fonz flies TWA-AAAY! Best joke here. Lots of gags about the crazy stuff airlines are doing to get folks to ride. Concerts, tennis games and all kinds of junk. This one is made up of a series of small ads detailing the fun on each plane. It's pretty good but, you know the rule, invoke Fonzie and you've limited yourself. The best bit is the bit with Fonzie.
THE DEEEP: Another movie parody. I can't vouch for the movie (as I've never seen it) but this parody isn't bad. It has a nice flow to it and a few funny moments. It's far less MAD-like than the Star Wars parody. It's nice to see two different sorts of parody pop up. Both of them are fun although I really would have preferred something less limiting here.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE INSURANCE KING: I love Nanny more than ever. However, these articles are tiring me out. I'm starting to dread reaching the end of these magazines as the repetitive nature of these things makes me sigh. Maybe Nanny should have her own show or something, like a sitcom? I don't know. Not a favorite part of the magazine for me.
3- 1/1 (a lady and a boat)
Total: You make the calculations. My Shut-Ups calculator is broken.
The Man and the Ink Spot (back cover): Nice closing one-pager. A lot more fun than many of those "History/ Inventions" things that normally float around back here.
Boy, I ran out of steam here, huh? The issue was mighty uneven. Some great bits mixed with some stuff that barely kept me awake. I think it's one of those things where Star Wars seems to welcome the magazine into a brave new world but most of the issue is the same-old CRACKED. And, frankly, I'm hoping for a new revolution in comedy here. The Fonz knocked us up a level. I was hoping Star Wars would have the same effect. Oh well.
Next Issue: A throwback cover and some sassy insides!
Friday, September 14, 2007
by Pierre L.
I love the cover and I don't love the cover. The Fonz hasn't been this degraded since we saw his little legs hanging off the conveyor belt on #136. But, if anyone's going to pick the Fonz up like that, it should probably be Rocky. (Kong would be to easy.)
Yes, in the end, I love this cover. Let's check out the magazine, huh?
"Craymon" This is a word in the "Big Confusion" poster. The poster has a lot of strange, goofballery words in it. Here's the full text (black letters on yellow background):
It has come to our attention that certain percamunius individuals are continuing to cause unnecessary craymon. This can prove to be dericulus and extremely damaging.
Any recarnaders who continue these practices will face automatic boduption. Absolutely no derainments will be made! If you have any further questions, address them to your immediate carastapor!
THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!"
(Oh, my "CRACKED POSTCARDS" as advertised in the cover have gone missing.)
TABLE OF CONTENTS: ERRIN SPELIN' - preuf reider for this issue. Looks like this is going to be a fun one.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Only one page again. (See last issue.) Next issue: August 16th. Too brief. I like to luxuriate in the letters and this is too brusque.
LEVERNE & SHURLEY: I always like when the TV shows reappear. We get more or less the same jokes but with a different plot line. Rockey Baboona teaches the gals self-defense when Linty & Squiggly are robbed. A bunch of sitcom characters appearances, such as Ed Norton and Ralph Kramden and Lucy and Ethel. This one is fun. There are a couple of decent laughs. (Shurley gets a great face in one panel.) And, there's a Farrah Fawcett gag at the end. How could you ask for more from an opening parody? I could wallow in this forever.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BABYSITTING: Fun but odd. Two examples of odd: they show a bunch of kids and list the going rate for babysitting above them. The price goes up as the kids get older. A set of mean looking twins has "Name Your Price" beneath them. Then, the last two are a swanky looking guy and a young gal in a little skirt. "You pay 75 cents an hour." Funny in a slightly disturbed way. Second example: How to keep the kid occupied. Well, you can play games with them or... "give him something he can keep busy with." In that panel, we see a little Fonz-esque kid with his hands in his pockets getting introduced to a little girl with pigtails. CRACKED! Where are your manners? Besides that, this is a fine little guide. Hell, maybe it's all good advice. I don't know. I never babysat. It sure seems like it might work. I'll give it a try.
A CRACKED LOOK AT SUMMER CAMPS: A series of comic strip gags. A lot of jokes about kids going horseback riding and smelling bad and how expensive summer camp is and things like that. My favorite? Thanks for asking. Two kids are seen chatting. 1ST KID: How do you like camp so far? 2ND KID: It's O.K., I guess. But I can't help thinking that the owner is just in it for the money. 1ST KID: Yeah. I know what you mean. The two kids turn and look into the next cabin window. They see kids crammed against the windows into tiny bunks like chickens in cages. I laughed and then I went "gosh". So far--we are boiling along!
COTTONIN' TO CARTER!: Wow! They really liked doing Jimmy Carter stuff. This is all about what Carter has done to the country. There's a big fishin' hole in front of the White House now. The New Lincoln Memorial is now Mr. Peanut. Hank Williams is on the one dollar bill. There is no more Department of Defense. It is now the Department of Feudin'. A lot of hayseed jokes and such. I wonder if any of the CRACKED Editors was ever hung for treason.
THE AWAKENING...: Good one pager. We see an egg being poked open by a chick. The chick emerges and has a look around the filthy, smelly city streets. The last panel is the chick crawling back in the egg. Not bad.
A CRACKED LOOK AT A SKATEBOARD PARK: We're halfway in already! Wow! This issue is, frankly, rad. I don't mind this one because it isn't overcrowded with jokes and there is movement in the drawing. It's when everyone's standing around like a million Henny Youngmans that I get antsy. This one is not bad. Of course, the jokes aren't funny but you take what you can get.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO SOCCER: Not a great one but not a bad one either. A lot of very dry captions with really goofy pictures. Things like "This is the goalkeeper" and we see a fellow with a feather duster and an apron cleaning up the goal. You know what I mean. There are a few smiles in here.
AN AFTERNOON AT AN ARTIST'S STUDIO: One pager that ain't half bad. The joke is kind of obvious but it's a fun scan.
IF ROCKEY APPEARED IN OTHER TV AND MOVIE SPOTS: You knew it had to happen. Let's see where they send Rockey.
The Merry Tailor More Show - Rockey and Paulie show up. Paulie does some dumb stuff and it's over. Well, that was brief.
Wilderness Kingdom - Murle Purkins goes after the "Italian Stallion". He spends a page watching Rockey get ready for his day. It's not bad. Rockey eats eggs and likes animals and is well-built. Nice. They've got it.
Jawz - Do you think Rockey beats up the shark? Well, you could be right.
Welcome Back, Kodder - He's teaching now! Yep! And, he's not very smart. He got in there by beating up the principal.
Apparently, there's not a lot to do with this character. The same jokes are repeated several times. Maybe a better choice of shows would have worked. This article, which I had very high hopes for, is just OK.
THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE: Still selling Fonz for President.
AIRPLOT '77: If you've seen the film, you'll enjoy this. I've seen the film therefore I enjoyed it. Jokes all around the "plane goes underwater" entry in the Airport films. I like the film and I enjoyed the rib tickling quality of this article. And, it isn't as loaded up as a MAD article. More space. I like that.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE RADIO KING: Nanny (the sweet one) goes to station WARP and discovers that the guy in charge is a real chiseler. He doesn't care about you. All he wants is a couple of bucks. Well, can you blame him? I thought he was going to ask Nanny out at one point but he didn't. Nanny does it again but, honestly, I'm getting a little bored with these coming at the end of every issue. Can we break it up next time?
1 - 5/5 (sticks to a boxing theme)
2 - 3/5 (FFF - Funny Fat Guy)
3 - 5/5 (sticks to an airplane theme)
Final Tally - 5/3/5 A real nice one. No spiders or monsters but ugly people saying "Shut Up!" to other ugly people. How can you go wrong?
BACK COVER: Great moments in History. Some Indian guy invents an umbrella by lifting an elephant's ear and standing underneath. OK but nothing to sing about.
Overall, this is a great issue. There are dips here and there and a startling lack of Fonz antics but still... I'd recommend this one highly. It has a nice percentage of hits and only a couple of dips.
What about next issue? You ask? Well...we might just be able to keep this up.
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