August 1982
by Pierre L.
You have a contest! Big Prizes always sell magazines. Don't they?
Well, this is a kick ass "Sevarin"[sic] cover. Syl + Eva...How many times does "EVA" appear on this cover? 1...2...3...a lot... Good luck everyone.
POSTER: No yellow background. It's a "PUBLIC PARK RULES" poster. Pretty much...you can't do anything. At the end, they tell you to enjoy the park. Zing! Zang!
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Aaron Spellin is now the prif rdr. Well, good for him! "Enter our best contest eva! Rules and entry blank on page 5."
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - June 1st The accountant is gone. Lots of letters but...the contest rules are here...
Have Fun You Can Win
Enter this contest today!
3 Grand Prized
ATARI Video Games
The popular games that you play on your own television!
Plus 22 Runner-Up Prizes of free one year subscriptions to CRACKED Magazine
"Eva is Sylvester's new girlfriend. Her name has been hidden in the park scene on our front cover. Find the number of times Eva's name appears on the front cover...Then, on a separate piece of paper, tell us your favorite joke."
Entries must be mailed by June 8th, 1982...Crap...
THE FALLING GUY: I never watched this show. Never seemed interesting to me...and I'm having a heck of a time paying attention to it...So, I've brought in a Guest Reviewer for this bit of the review: GVB the Third to help...Sir...
GUEST REVIEWER:
GVB3 here... The great thing about The Falling Guy is that, in so many ways, it encapsulates everything that CRACKED is about, namely sucking ass.
CRACKED SUCKS! MAD FOREVER! I think they had Pac-Man on the cover around this time! Read that instead!
OK! OK! Enough of this! PIERRE L. IS BACK!
Ghumdrop Vincent Burlington III strikes again. I didn't realize it was the same guy. I thought the same man who ruined my review of #178 was long gone. Apparently, he's still lurking.
Ghumdrop, I'll get you!
I still don't know anything about The Fall Guy, though.
COLLISION COURSES: A man with no gas is about to meet an Arab sheik. A Feminist is about to meet a Male Chauvinist. The best? A man with a ladder is about to run into a man holding a TV. At one page, I like it.
HOW TO SAVE THE BANKING INDUSTRY: Space themed banks! Old West banks! Banks with igloos! The bank presidents will tell jokes to people. No more toasters for deposits...Designer Jeans. Dishwashing service...Pac-man! Magicians in the lines to keep people interested. Centerfolds in bank books...I think CRACKED's onto something here. It's a pretty amusing bit. Better than The Falling Guy. But, all of these sorts of bits are so formulaic...I get lethargic...
HOW GULLIBLE ARE YOU?: Well...it's not that great but I like the art. Do you believe the plumber when he says..."This repair shouldn't cost you more than $15...unless I hit a snag...but that's pretty unlikely. After all, all I'm doing is changing a washer." No matter what your grandfather tells you, do you take it as fact? Granddad loved Nixon. You check off boxes (Yes or No) under each panel. Then, there's a score...The article's all right...But, it's nothing to tattoo on your ass if you know what I mean.
I TATTOO CRACKED ON YOUR MAMA'S ASS!!!
What the hell?
MAD 4EVER!
Ghumdrop has somehow broken into the post. I don't know how that's possible. We must be on our guard.
ONE DAY IN THE DEPARTMENT STORE: A blind man, spinning his seeing eye dog around...You know this joke...It's fun(ish). Enjoy the page.
TALKING VENDING MACHINES: At two pages, there are some funny moments here. (Stretch if any more and you got problems.) Abused machines punch back. Cigarette machines blow smoke in your face. Some machines talk to lonely people. Your Mom thinks you stink. Put a slug in a machine...it'll grab you. Like your Mom grabbed me last night. A pretty good article.
ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XIII: Two pages. At least three laughs...that works for me. I see Don Knotts!
T-SHIRTS WE'LL NEVER SEE THEM WEARING: Sylvester P. Smythe wears a MAD shirt. Alfred E. Newman wears a CRACKED shirt. Archie Bunker wears a NAACP shirt. Gloria Steinem has a Playboy Bunny shirt. Gags like that. Very MAD...again...MAD check #232 or #233...there might be two pages missing.
Ghumdrop! Knock it off!
Actually, I had the exact same thought about that article that he did.
A CRACKED LOOK AT HOUSEHOLD CHORES: Three pages, all gags, no waiting. Young man like to do laundry to meet women. A young boy is offered a new train car (toy trains) every time he takes out the garbage...That garbage ain't getting taken out! IMAD is better than this! Why not read MAD!? I'm going to start my own site! MAD Magazine Reviews and it will start in the 50's and be better than this! The art is fun here but the gags are so-so.
KIDS, YOU KNOW YOU REALLY HAVE TO WORRY WHEN: Wow...three pages of this... "You grab the wrong lunch and you end up with coffee and a turkey sandwich and your Mother gets juice and peanut butter and jelly." "You aren't at home when the new issue of CRACKED arrives." "You get home and your Mother says 'The school called...'." "You get home and me and your Momma are getting it on!" -GVB3 Rules!
MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: I don't know. Is there a point in going on? He's tapped the review. He knows what I'm typing and can PUD! me around at anytime. There's a flying car...there's an old lady...there's a parachute...I'm a stupid jerkhead...there's a...OK...
ADULTS FOLLOWING THE RULES THEY SET FOR CHILDREN: All right...Ghumdrop...take over! I give up!
OK! MAD rules! CRACKED sucks!
STOP WATCHES FOR A CONTEMPORARY BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS: That's all you got, Ghum? What's the point? You said all that stuff before. Why say it again? People can see what you've written on your previous post. Part of me just wants to say to you...that the stop watch for "Dreaming of a whiff of clean and fresh air over modern cities" is at 77 Years and 9 months and 23 days...But, what would you care? Especially, if I said that this article is a little obvious but not without its charms..."Getting the waiter's attention in a restaurant...7 hours, 38 minutes, 20 seconds" What do you think of that, Ghumdrop?! If that is your real name? YOUR MAMA! I wrote that! Pierre L...not Ghumdrop.
CRACKED SUCKS, MAD RULES! I wrote that, Pierre L. did! What do you think of that?!
WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT THE WORLD TODAY?: I don't know. Let's ask GVB3...
MAD RULES! CRACKED...AWESOME!
Ha! Now, I hacked into your hacking! Try it...YOUR MAMA GIVES gifts! She does give gifts. That's my mama.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GAME SHOW KING: I'm onto your game, you Invader of Other People's Blogs. Nanny kicks Mr. Cluck Embarris, the Game Show King's, behind and I'm mailing you yours before the Shut-Ups! You do not get the Shut-Ups! This ends now! Speak now! You won't get more than two words out before I zap you.
MAMA's family!
BLOW your own horn!
MAD men is a good show!
I beat you, Ghumdrop. Get the hell out of here. Go to the CRAZY Magazine Reviews site and bug them for a while.
SHUT-UPS:
1 - Dogs
2 - Bricks
3 - Reagan
Dogbrickagan. I love Shut-Up words.
GREAT MOMENTS IN TRANSPORTATION: Royalty are abusing slaves again...Oh well. It's Gagtastic!
Things have calmed down. I don't even remember much of this issue now. All I remember is that we put an A-Hole down! So, let's move on.
Next issue: Still trying to bring those sales up...an old friend makes an appearance for the final time.
2 comments:
What kind is this show actually? I swear I don’t understand about it and its purposes so would you mind if you explain it? I hope this show has an educative or social value so it will bring a good impact to our society.
Z,
Hello. Thank you for leaving and interesting, and powerful, comment. CRACKED was used as an educational tool throughout the 70's & 80's within the schools of Moline & Upper Duluth. Education increased by 47% and the learning of children increased by over 82%. So, you can see the educative value of this show is, indeed, high.
Thank you for your interest in CRACKED.
-Pierre L.
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