Excerpts from the "Statement of Ownership, Management & Circulation"
1. Title of Publication: CRACKED Magazine
2. Date of Filing: October 1, 1977
3. Frequency of issue: Monthly except February, April & June
4. location of known office of publication (street, city, county, sate, zip code) (Not printers): 235 park Avenue South, new York, N.Y. 10003
6. Names and address of the Publisher, Editor and Managing Editor: Robert C. Sproul, 235 Park Ave. So., New York, NY 10003 Editor: Robert C. Sproul, 235 Park Ave. So, New York, NY 10003. Managing Editor: None
7. Owner...: Major magazine...Robert C. Sproul...Bernard Brill
10. Extent and nature of circulation:
A. Total No,. copies printed (Net press run: Average No copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 891,479; Single issue nearest to filing date, 904,916.
B. Paid circulation: 1. Sales through dealers and carriers, street vendors and counter sales: Average No. of copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 471,981; Single issue published nearest to filing date 541,250. 2 Mail subscriptions: Average No. of copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 1,820; Single issue published nearest filing date 2,301.
C. Total paid circulation: Average No. copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 473,801; Single issue published nearest to filing date, 543,551.
D. Free distribution by mail, carrier or other means: 1. Samples, complimentary and other free copies: Average No. copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 118. Single issue published nearest to filing date, 100.
E. Total distribution (Sum of C & D); Average No. copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 473,919; Actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 543,651.
F. Copies not distributes: 1. Office use, left-over, unaccounted, spoiled after printing; average no. copies each issue during preceding 12 months: 700. Actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 720. 2. Returns from news agents; average no. copies each issue during preceding 12 months. 416,860. actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 360,545.
G. Total (Sum of E & F should equal net press run shown in A): average no. copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 891,479; actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 904,916.
I certify that the statements made by me above are correct and complete.
Robert C. Sproul, Publisher
Monday, October 29, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Cracked #149: Haven't we seen this cover somewhere before?
Cracked #149
March 1978
by Pierre L.
Yes, we have. It's the same idea as the "Free Poster" from #135. Oh well. This one is still fun. It's nice to see these characters that we love all jumbled up like this. Darth with C-3PO's head is pretty funny. Let's step inside.
FREE POSTER: "Warning! Absolutely Nothing Will Not Be Tolerated!" Did they find this one in a "leftover gags" file from issue #74?
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Let's move on!
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - January 31st. Pretty standard stuff. Best letter: "Hey CRACKED, Don't you ever stop making fun of STAR WARS? They spent a lot of time and money on that movie and you treat it like a TV Show." So true.
There is a "Statement of Ownership, Management & Circulation" included. I may include a bit of this in an addendum.
THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN VS. DARK BADAR: Someone is draining off all of the Earth's electricity. So, Stebe Auston is shot into space and winds up on the Death Star. He gets rescued by Luke Skywalker. He thinks Stebe is the Princess. The best line in the whole bit comes when they are leaving the cell and Luke says, "Put on this Barbara Streisand disguise and we'll sneak out of here in no time." And, over the next page, the Six Billion Dollar Man runs around with a curly wig and a big nose. It's great.
This article is really quite entertaining. It mixes the movie with the TV show and comes up with a few good hoots. The crew of the Falcon and Stebe dress up as Tupperwear sales ladies and sneak on the Death Star. All sorts of junk like that. In the end, there is a Wizard of Oz parody. I liked this opener quite a bit. Mix up the TV and movie stuff more often. Putting a TV character into a movie plot is nice. Let's carry on...
CRACKED'S SPECIALLY TAILORED BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS: MAD ahoy! This is what you'd imagine. Example: "Grocer" There is a big supermarket ad that reads: "Poindexter grocery - Today's manager Special! - 1 7-1/2 lb. baby girl Denise - Started Wed. May 10th at 7:45 - Continues indefinitely." Another example: "Stock Broker" We see one of those stock printer machine things with a long stream of paper coming out of it. The magnified paper reads: "At the close of the hospital today, Callenger Enterprises was up 1 as the company declared a new dividend - Mark David Callenger Company should continue rapid growth as Mrs. Callenger told stockholders her intention of declaring still a second dividend on a date to be announced." Stuff like that. Written in their sleep or taken from an old issue of MAD. Move on.
JERRY INTERVIEWS THE STARS: Jerry Dumpy interviews Bobby Bake, King Kung, Wretched Thomas (John-Boy) and Wattah Faucet (ex-Charlie's Angel). This one has some fun art and some good gags. Wattah shows up at the door looking like the lady from the Bounty commercials. King Kung is really tiny. The best, though, is Mr. Thomas. In contrast to his Waltons character, he wears a beret and smokes a cigarette on a long holder and yells "Hi!...Simply Hi-i-i-!" when he sees Jerry. In the end, Jerry turns out to be Nanny Dickering. Pretty good stuff.
ONE AFTERNOON AT A COLORADO SKI COMPETITION: Decent one-pager. A lot of snow. I miss snow.
CRACKED TIPS FOR IMPROVING HOME MOVIES: If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a reprint. Actually, I don't know better. It's about spicing up home movies with flashy titles (The trip to Mexico becomes "Terror in Tijuana") and wacky camera angles and stuff like that. You need to add merchandising rights and cakes falling onto baby's heads. Then, you've got it. Fun article. I can't shake the feeling that it's an oldie, though.
A CRACKED LOOK AT SANTA'S WORKSHOP: The best ever. Big pictures and decent jokes. It's all set in Santa's place with elves and reindeer and toys and antler polish. This is the first "CRACKED LOOK AT..." that I've ever wanted to see go on for an extra page or two. Nice.
So far...at the halfway point...a solid issue.
A subscription ad kicks off the second half. Still fighting inflation.
IF THE CHARACTERS OF STAR WARS APPEARED IN OTHER MOVIES AND TV SHOWS: Matching Game '77 (amusing), The Walled-Ins (all right), The Wizard of Noz (good for a laugh) and Rockey (not bad). This is exactly what you'd expect if you've read other versions of this. And, it's great to see these characters appear in other things. I wish it was a little less obvious but then it wouldn't be CRACKED. If you loved the characters and couldn't get to the theater again, they're here. And, they're good for a smile.
OK, there is one superb joke. Dark Badar is on Matching Game '77. The question is: "Mary said: Oh Harry, I don't know how to tell you this but I'm going to have a BLANK." Dark Badar's response is "I'm going to have a..." "Medium-sized intergalactic rumination."
IF ALL VIOLENCE WERE ELIMINATED FROM TV: Football players tag each other and form a strong offensive line by eating smelly cheese. Injuns "scalp" cowboys by giving them buzz cuts. Cops throw Boston Cream pies at crooks. It's fun. The art has a lot of verve here and the sound effect "SPROUL!" is used. I like this one.
IT'S A LOT WORSE IN BUFFALO: An article about how cold it is in Buffalo. Apparently, it's pretty cold! Yeah, it does get cold there. During bank robberies, you can't tell who is the crook because everyone has ski masks on! No one can commit suicide because the snow drifts are so high! I miss snow. They gotta knock it off.
I recently transferred my old VHS of a Yule log to DVD-R. The tape was 30 minutes. So, I looped it four times. Two hours of the yule log. Did you see that the Christmas candles are out? Excellent. I can't buy them now because I'll have burnt them down by Thanksgiving. Still...
CRACKED!
THE TALKING BLOB: A parody of The Blob. It's great. I like when they hop back in time like this. Somehow it seems more charming than usual. The Blob ends up eating everybody and is only stopped by the CRACKED printer ending the article. The Fonz doesn't show up like in the Beach party parody. Still...This is a lot of fun.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE WRESTLING KING: We see a lot of chicanery involved in professional wrestling. Atilla the Bun loses in a bout to Nanny's nephew. The pictures are funny and the words are few. This is fun Nanny. Just goofiness. Leave the social commentary to MAD. They do it better and it suits their magazine, which is, frankly, more ponderous. Fun closing article.
SHUT-UPS
1 - 5/5 (A lady with an awesome face)
2 - 5/5 (Quicksand)
3 - 4/5 (A big suitcase)
I feel giving. 5 stars all around. I am Shut-Up.
BACK COVER: Great moments in Auto Racing. The visual is better than the punchline. A confused man in a little car. His car has a chain attached that leads to an enormous cannon. It is about to be fired. He doesn't look happy.
Great issue. I was worried in the beginning because it seemed like we were climbing in a rut. However, this is good stuff. CRACKED firing on full and making us smile. I can't wait to see where we go next.
Next Issue: You-F-O!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Cracked #148: That's one sweet-ass cantina!
Cracked #148
January 1978
by Pierre L.
Great cover. The center of the "Star Bar" poster. And, yes, this month's poster is the pretty awesome "Star Bar" spread. One of Mr. Severin's best. Everybody's laughing at Sylvester! Because he's the freakiest one of all.
As we've seen in the past, though, a kick-arse cover can disguise pretty bland insides. What about this month? let's jump in.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Seymour Errs - prueff rrder Now, that's bad spelling!
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The lettuce sometimes looks more like cabbage to me. Next issue - December 20th. Amos Svoboda has a couple of letters here. But, it's only one page. There's a subscription ad on the second page. Oh well. I just set myself up for another year. Pretty cheap. $4 for 9 issues. Not bad. That's cheap comedy.
THE SPY WHO SNUBBED ME: Lots of funny visuals. Lots of Jawz attacking Jaimes Bund. And, possibly not their best use of "funny character names" Bund and Jawz? Who wrote this? My 4-year-old nephew? The best gag in this one is during the opening ski scene where a head is randomly floating through the sky saying "Uh-oh! Wrong page!" Who is he? We'll find out. Not a bad opener. It moves briskly and James Bond films are generally one step away from parody anyway so they didn't have to travel far. When Bund turns to the audiences and says "Aren't my asides nauseating?", that's nice.
THE MACHINE MANIA MONOPOLIZES THE MOVIES: Basically fake movie posters for films that are completely robot or machine filled. A bit of a strange article, I thought. People were certainly robot nutty because of Star Warz (Wars, sorry) but were they really "machine crazy"? Maybe they were. "Robot Love" is a robot love story starring Jason Robots Jr. and Joan Rivets. "Robbie the Robot Cop" has a sidekick dog played by Rin Tin Tin. "Riding For a Fall" is about the tragic end of Hollywood's #1 stunt car. This one stars Jane Fender. Bela Lugassy stars in "Dracula Drags Again". And, of course "Gunfight at the OK Garage". But then, it takes a strange turn. "Introducing Morrie the Mower in...The Grass is Greener". "The Iceman Cometh Not" is starring Fred "the Fridge". "When Your Number is Up" is something to do with a calculator. There's a real charming in these articles that seem to catch a clever idea from pop culture and then spin off into realms that make you think "Do they know what they're writing about?"
A SOUVENIR PHOTO ALBUM OF THEIR TRIP TO EARTH: Star Warz, ahoy! Cy-Threepiu & Artie-Ditto visit Earth and what do they find? What you'd expect? Yes. Artie is treated like a fire hydrant. They get good service at the gas station. They get mad when they see a guy punching a vending machine. They are thrilled to watch people at the beach swimming in oil. It's fun to read but it consists of 100% of the jokes you would have thought up if this were your job.
A BROCHURE FROM P.T.U.: Prime Time University! It's all about congregating and watching TV and reading TV Guide. This is a pretty great article. But, unfortunately, you'd need to read it. Lots of fine visuals and great "brochure" text. It even has a commercial break. Let me just say: Kojak graduated from here with a LLB (Bachelor of Lollipop Licking). This is good stuff, folks. Find it and read it.
THE HOW TO INSULT MANUAL: I can take or leave this one. It's basically a guy telling another guy all the insults he can use in his day to day life. I was going to pick one and print it here but, Lord, they're all bad. "I remember you when you were only this big!" "And, I remember you when you were only this wide!" Stuff like that. One great joke: The guy telling the insults is the head floating through The Spy Who Snubbed Me. His head appears at the top of certain panels narrating the insult action. Somehow he wound up in the wrong article. Take that and move on.
A CRACKED LOOK AT A PLANT STORE: Big drawings, fewer word balloons than usual. Not actually a funny setting but there are a lot of women who look like Nanny Dickering. I've been enjoying these more and more lately so...this one ain't bad. But, a plant store? What's next? A stationary shop?
ONE MINUTE TV SHOWS OF THE FUTURE: Very fast TV. 60 Minutes is now 60...you guessed it. Interviews are people saying "Hello" and that's all. Gone With The Wind is edited down to a minute. Funny how this was such a crazy thing then but, gradually, this is the way most TV has become now. And, it didn't require the choppy "Comedy" we get here. It slowly became this over a long period of time and tightening. So, the article is slightly amusing but not really up to much. Time has dulled its sheen. It does have some charm, though.
THE CRACKED WORLD OF TOYS AND GAMES: I'll just start with this: There are two cheerleaders in this one holding up their phone numbers for the football players. Their numbers are - Suzy: 213-1876 & Lucy: 943-7890. They're older now but they've still got zazz! MAD invades CRACKED offices. A series of comic strips with gags a-plenty! Franny Fallapart from Renco is the highlight. She's a doll that falls apart. A brief read. Good for a smile. But, let's move on.
THE 99,999 MILE BOOK: A parody of a car care booklet put out by Shell that ties everything back to Shell products. It's laid out sideways as if it were a real car care book and it's pretty amusing. Actually, they are Shill products but you know... Always use Shill oil. Sage bit of advice: Every year you should do a simple check-up on your car. "Engine...Is it still under the hood?" Useless info except when it's sending you to Shill products. Fun stuff.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE HOBO KING: Nanny! This one is pretty good. I know I've been getting down on Nanny lately but this one has verve. A good issue can perk things up. Turns out this hobo king lives in a mansion. There's money to be made in hoboing! Ahh, what happened to hobos? They do rip off a Groucho Marx joke at one point (probably more than that, actually). The Hobo King makes a joke and then, in the next panel, he's looking at us and saying, "Well, look folks. Every panel can't be a gem!" Only remind us of that when we're in hysterics otherwise it looks like you really don't care.
STAR PEOPLE WEEKLY & CREATURES & THINGS: A tabloid for outer space! Hugh Hefner XII is on the cover with his outer-space Playboy Empire. And, the gals look real odd! Apparently, they just opened the first McDonalds on Uranus. How do the new Polaroids work? Pop the Polaroid Pill in your mouth. Focus on the subject. Tweak your nose. Finished photo pops out of your mouth. It's fun. This is an entertaining article that pops up in one of the SPECIALS in the next year or two. Look for it! Oddly enough, at five pages, this one could have been longer.
SHUT-UPS
1 - 3/5 dead guy
2 - 4/5 old guy
3 - 5/5 mail man
I love shut-ups.
Final Score: hot/damn!
BACK COVER: Great Moments In Games - Upper Mongolia - 1,057,649 BC - Wooka J. Zooka Jr. Almost Invents Tic-Tac-Toe. (It wasn't until 83,422 years later that circles were invented and tic-tac-toe became popular.)
An extremely charming issue. This is the way CRACKED does it right! A dud here and there but, overall, solid. Makes you smile and makes you want to read more.
Next: More Star Warz! More Fun? We'll find out.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Addenudm to Issue #147 Review
Two of the hottest items in the stores these days are Tuscan peppers - just one bite and you'll know how hot they really are - and electronic calculators. Bought mainly for mathematical problem solving in the past, these space-age devices are now about to take on a whole new role. So grab your machines and get set to try
CRACKED'S AMAZING CALCULATOR READOUTS
1)If Mr. Bixby, Mr. Cullin and Mr. Cosby all entered a room at the same time, what would you have a lot of?
(28,849 x 2 + 20)
2) What a woman often does when asked her age?
(2,145,447 x 3 - 1,118,996)
3) A witch usually wears Cover Girl on her nose when she goes out because she's trying to conceal a ____?
(3498 + 3608 +2)
4) Mary wanted something sweet for her birthday, so John gave her a box of ____ and told her tow wait a week.
(81 x 81 - 1223)
5) What you'd send if you learned King Kong was coming in a hour for breakfast?
(38 x 38 + 71 - 1010)
6) What Tonto always said when people asked him why the Lone Ranger always got to wear the mask.
(36 x 36 + 27,541,271 x 2)
7) What a person says when Richard Nixon reiterates, "But really, I am NOT a crook!"
(1.61616 divided by 4)
8) What Texans think Mt. Everest is.
(34 x 34 x 7 - 378)
9) To whom 30% of your pay check goes to every month.
(35,445,672 x 2 + 186,001)
10) How the British pronounce what's on the bottom of a shoe OR what Bruce the great white's favorite appetizer is before having filet [sic] of human.
(12 x 12 x 2 + 445)
11) What a husband does when he gets his wife's credit card bills.
(1,161,068 divided by 2)
12) What you will become if you read CRACKED for 8 hours straight.
(1434 - 663)
Article reprinted from CRACKED MAZAGINE #147, page 12. Author unknown.
CRACKED'S AMAZING CALCULATOR READOUTS
1)If Mr. Bixby, Mr. Cullin and Mr. Cosby all entered a room at the same time, what would you have a lot of?
(28,849 x 2 + 20)
2) What a woman often does when asked her age?
(2,145,447 x 3 - 1,118,996)
3) A witch usually wears Cover Girl on her nose when she goes out because she's trying to conceal a ____?
(3498 + 3608 +2)
4) Mary wanted something sweet for her birthday, so John gave her a box of ____ and told her tow wait a week.
(81 x 81 - 1223)
5) What you'd send if you learned King Kong was coming in a hour for breakfast?
(38 x 38 + 71 - 1010)
6) What Tonto always said when people asked him why the Lone Ranger always got to wear the mask.
(36 x 36 + 27,541,271 x 2)
7) What a person says when Richard Nixon reiterates, "But really, I am NOT a crook!"
(1.61616 divided by 4)
8) What Texans think Mt. Everest is.
(34 x 34 x 7 - 378)
9) To whom 30% of your pay check goes to every month.
(35,445,672 x 2 + 186,001)
10) How the British pronounce what's on the bottom of a shoe OR what Bruce the great white's favorite appetizer is before having filet [sic] of human.
(12 x 12 x 2 + 445)
11) What a husband does when he gets his wife's credit card bills.
(1,161,068 divided by 2)
12) What you will become if you read CRACKED for 8 hours straight.
(1434 - 663)
Article reprinted from CRACKED MAZAGINE #147, page 12. Author unknown.
CRACKED #147: Hi, Sylvester!
Cracked #147
Decemeber 1977
by Pierre L.
What a great cover! We haven't had a cover like this for a while. Apart from the taglines, no pop culture references. Just Sylvester and some goofiness. I missed this. Let's head in...
The Poster is another great Sylvester-themed picture. "Sylvester the Janitor!" with a little jab of comedy right under your belt. Ahhh, the magazine feels young again.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Well, the contents look the same as always. That was fun while it lasted.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: I don't know why but I've just been itching to dive right into the bulk of the issue as of late. Would you care to join me? Next issue - November 8th
STAR WARZ II - Sheep on the Planet Crackabor are being dewooled by Dark Badar! Why? Who knows? The folks at CRACKED might but I've forgotten. It's fun to think that they anticipated the sequel immediately. Too bad it's so CRACKED. Maybe they need a writer working for them who wasn't one of Milton Berle's favorites from 1949? I don't know. The art is great, as always, and there are some decent jokes but this just feels like space being taken up with a "guaranteed to sell magazines!" article. I wish The Fonz were in this. Kirk and Spock from Star Trek are, though. I'm not a Star trek fan but I did go to see the first movie in the theater. I fell asleep a lot. In the last panel, Spock and Kirk hold up a sign saying that they will return in Spring. Of 1978, I imagine. But, the movie opened in 1979 and it wasn't very good. Maybe I need to see it again.
What was I talking about? Oh Star Warz II. Well, I can assure you that every child with action figures was coming up with better stories than this one.
CRACKED'S AMAZING CALCULATOR READINGS: Fun! See addendum.
THE CRACKED HISTORY OF ART: More fun. Great art mixed with some good gags, including Dick Clark having a $20,000 pyramid built in ancient Egypt and Leonard Da Vinci's earliest drawings. He started as a cartoonist. The first drawing is a guy with a broken fife being handed a fife by another guy. The second guy says, "Take my fife, please!" A guy reading the cartoon look confused and says that he doesn't get it. I sure do! It's comedy you blockhead. Go piss up a tree! At four pages, this one is a sweet-smelling breeze.
EXERCISE MANUAL AND HOT DOG STUNTS FOR SUPER HEROES: Funny. It's a manual for super chin-ups and levitating push-ups and diagrams for Solitaire Tennis and the Home-Run Bunt. I like it. However, the artwork and the layout smells of the late 60's to me. I can't say for certain that this is a reprint but it sure might be. If anyone knows, give me a yell.
A GLOOMY INDIAN STORY: A one-pager. Good chuckle. Fun, slightly demented, artwork.
IF PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE ADVERTISED: Apparently this was considered such a ridiculous thing at one time that articles like this could be written. Lawyers and doctors and dentists advertising? Not on this Earth! Well, they didn't then. And, this article is OK. "Are you divorcing more, but enjoying it less?" My favorite line from the "Ned's For The Defense" ad. Actually, it's a fun article (it's been a pretty fun issue).
A CRACKED LOOK AT NEW YORK CITY: Here is my advice: Do not read the jokes. Look at the drawing. The drawing is superb. (It includes a store called "Sproul's" with the words "Smoke Cracked" on the front window.) It's very detailed and funny. The jokes get in the way. Sometimes you have to look underneath what they're actually doing to get to the good stuff.
My copy has two postcards in the center. "Greetin's From Herkimer County" and "Greetings From Brooklyn". They're great! Really, they're OK.
The Cracked Bookstore: Fonz for President still on sale!
CHATTERBOX WEEKLY: It's a completely frivolous entertainment magazine that actually is not much different from stuff you'll spot on the checkout line today. The cover features Telly Savalas -- Selling advertising space -- on his big, bald head! Lots of text heavy stuff here but it's worth a read. Chewbacca and Farrah and The Carter Family (not the singing one) and Jimmy J.J. Walker and everybody you could imagine. Jimmy J.J. buys Peter Frampton's new album. After listening to Side 1, he is heard saying "Now, I think I'll listen to side 2." I've seen this one re-printed in collector's editions so you should be able to run across it pretty easy.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO MUSCLE DEVELOPMENT: All about getting toned up and in shape. High energy foods? A basket of light bulbs. How do you warm up? A winter jacket and a muffler. It's stuff like that and I think your tolerance for sheer silliness will determine how much you like this one. I love it so...Here's One For Your Mom!
WHAZ' HAPPENING?: It's fun. A good TV parody always makes me smile. But, again, there's something about picking a comedy and pointing out the things that crop up again and again in it that seems odd. That's what makes a sitcom a sitcom. Characters repeating themselves in slightly different ways week after week. And, let me be honest, loud, fat people on TV are damn funny. Two of them are funnier than Jesus should allow. What's the plotline here? Who cares? Are there jokes that seem to come from the Henny Youngman Joke File? Hell yeah. Do I like it? Surprisingly, more so than Star Warz II. Let's see what's next.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE WRITING KING: Actually, Nanny calls him the "CRACKED" Writing King. So, this one is filled with in-jokes. Mr. I. M. Amoron is lazy and not funny but Bob Sproul met him when he was picking through trash (both of them were, actually. Mr Sproul was looking for jokes.) and made him the head guy. At least Cracked can pick at themselves. Of course, that's where Mad has based most of its humor so... Who knows? This interview is the most fun in ages because it references many of the writers and artists and is having a good time. Maybe after this Nanny should take a vacation...or come to my house and massage me.
SHUT-UPS
1 - 1/2 (Guy with big nose)
2 - 3/4 (Guy run over by tank)
3 - 5/6 (Guy with funny beard)
Total: I'm just goofing around.
(BACK COVER) THE ANGRY ELEPHANT AND TARZAN'S SON: From the same guy who did the earlier Indian one-pager. A nice closer.
I liked this issue. Only the Star Wars parody made me shrug. The rest of it ranged from funny to time-passing. And, with No Fonz, that's all I can expect. This is one worth reading.
NEXT ISSUE: The Force ain't goin' nowhere!
Friday, September 21, 2007
Cracked #146: Let the Warz begin!
Cracked #146
by Pierre L.
November 1977
Well, you knew it was coming. Star Wars is here! And, it will almost be as big as The Fonz. Expect heavy Star Wars presence over the next batch of issues. Good or bad? Let's see. There are free gifts inside so that's something.
THE POSTER: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, LIFT FLAP!" And, if you lift the flap it tells you to knock it off. Only lift it if there's an emergency. I don't know if I have time for this kind of chicanery.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Same proof reader as last time. Looks like a fun issue...
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Two pages of magic. "Next issue - September 27th"
STAR-WARZ: Excellent parody. Well, pretty fine parody. Again, the movie parodies don't always grab at me as strong as I'd like but this one is pretty nice. This feels a lot like every joke-filled parody that kids made after the movie came out and it's no worse for that. I'm tempted to detail everything in this one but I think that would be silliness. This is good stuff. You should seek this article out and give it a read. (It's probably in a CRACKED SPECIAL somewhere.)
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO CANOEING: I've been canoeing a lot and this guide would have definitely come in handy. This article is of the "Straightforward captions with wacky pictures" variety. It's all right. Somehow it feels very odd coming after Star-Warz. Almost like the magazine is trying to bring itself back down to earth. The previous article went all over the place. This one is blocky and text-heavy. It's a bit of a sharp yank.
ON CAPITOL HILL: A clever little one-page zing. An interview with a politician that caps off with a nice punchline.
WHEN THE COUNTRY RUNS OUT OF WATER: All sorts of little gags about what will happen when we run out of water. Crooks stealing water coolers. Ice cubes being more important than diamonds. Things like that. Some funny illustrations here. The best bit? "Conserve Water-Drink Booze!' I'll get behind that.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO JOGGING: Another guide already? And, this one is of the same variety. And, it looks really familiar. I don't think it's a repeat but maybe they should have kept this for the next issue. If there had been only one of these Guides in this issue, Awesome. Two is a bit much. Some fun captions and pictures but I wandered away halfway through.
What an odd issue so far. They started off with a bang and they're doing their best to back away from it. Why?
FRUSTRATIONLAND: Fantastic! Instead of "A Cracked Look at...", we have this. An amusement park full of annoyances that people can knock around. Burn IRS Forms. Take a tank trip down the highway. Abuse a Farrah Fawcett-Majors lookalike. Pretty funny and kind of sad at the same time. You can't really eliminate your problems but you can go to an amusement park and pretend like you can for a while. Well...
There are also little CRACKED COVER STICKERS in the center. Various issues of the magazine from the 50's and 60's. It's pretty sweet. Strangely, several of them resemble MAD covers.
FRINGE BENEFITS ATHLETES WILL SOON BE DEMANDING: Their own personalized cheerleading squad. Brow-wipers for tense bowlers. Padded basketball hoop rims. Things like that. It's OK but I didn't find myself nut-cracking over this one.
CRIMEDOM'S MAIL ORDER CATALOGUE: Things for crooks like mugging tips and mouthwash for whoever gives you the kiss of death. In fact, the mouthwash joke was just used in the Fringe Benefits article. This one's all right but I have a tough time getting too jazzed up about it. This issue is losing me.
THE GREAT AIRLINE WAR: Fonz flies TWA-AAAY! Best joke here. Lots of gags about the crazy stuff airlines are doing to get folks to ride. Concerts, tennis games and all kinds of junk. This one is made up of a series of small ads detailing the fun on each plane. It's pretty good but, you know the rule, invoke Fonzie and you've limited yourself. The best bit is the bit with Fonzie.
THE DEEEP: Another movie parody. I can't vouch for the movie (as I've never seen it) but this parody isn't bad. It has a nice flow to it and a few funny moments. It's far less MAD-like than the Star Wars parody. It's nice to see two different sorts of parody pop up. Both of them are fun although I really would have preferred something less limiting here.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE INSURANCE KING: I love Nanny more than ever. However, these articles are tiring me out. I'm starting to dread reaching the end of these magazines as the repetitive nature of these things makes me sigh. Maybe Nanny should have her own show or something, like a sitcom? I don't know. Not a favorite part of the magazine for me.
SHUT-UPS:
1- 3/2
2- 4/5
3- 1/1 (a lady and a boat)
Total: You make the calculations. My Shut-Ups calculator is broken.
The Man and the Ink Spot (back cover): Nice closing one-pager. A lot more fun than many of those "History/ Inventions" things that normally float around back here.
Boy, I ran out of steam here, huh? The issue was mighty uneven. Some great bits mixed with some stuff that barely kept me awake. I think it's one of those things where Star Wars seems to welcome the magazine into a brave new world but most of the issue is the same-old CRACKED. And, frankly, I'm hoping for a new revolution in comedy here. The Fonz knocked us up a level. I was hoping Star Wars would have the same effect. Oh well.
Next Issue: A throwback cover and some sassy insides!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Cracked #145: Don't Demean My Fonz
Cracked #145
October 1977
by Pierre L.
I love the cover and I don't love the cover. The Fonz hasn't been this degraded since we saw his little legs hanging off the conveyor belt on #136. But, if anyone's going to pick the Fonz up like that, it should probably be Rocky. (Kong would be to easy.)
Yes, in the end, I love this cover. Let's check out the magazine, huh?
"Craymon" This is a word in the "Big Confusion" poster. The poster has a lot of strange, goofballery words in it. Here's the full text (black letters on yellow background):
"Important notice!!!
It has come to our attention that certain percamunius individuals are continuing to cause unnecessary craymon. This can prove to be dericulus and extremely damaging.
Any recarnaders who continue these practices will face automatic boduption. Absolutely no derainments will be made! If you have any further questions, address them to your immediate carastapor!
THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!"
Pretty Sweet
(Oh, my "CRACKED POSTCARDS" as advertised in the cover have gone missing.)
TABLE OF CONTENTS: ERRIN SPELIN' - preuf reider for this issue. Looks like this is going to be a fun one.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Only one page again. (See last issue.) Next issue: August 16th. Too brief. I like to luxuriate in the letters and this is too brusque.
LEVERNE & SHURLEY: I always like when the TV shows reappear. We get more or less the same jokes but with a different plot line. Rockey Baboona teaches the gals self-defense when Linty & Squiggly are robbed. A bunch of sitcom characters appearances, such as Ed Norton and Ralph Kramden and Lucy and Ethel. This one is fun. There are a couple of decent laughs. (Shurley gets a great face in one panel.) And, there's a Farrah Fawcett gag at the end. How could you ask for more from an opening parody? I could wallow in this forever.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BABYSITTING: Fun but odd. Two examples of odd: they show a bunch of kids and list the going rate for babysitting above them. The price goes up as the kids get older. A set of mean looking twins has "Name Your Price" beneath them. Then, the last two are a swanky looking guy and a young gal in a little skirt. "You pay 75 cents an hour." Funny in a slightly disturbed way. Second example: How to keep the kid occupied. Well, you can play games with them or... "give him something he can keep busy with." In that panel, we see a little Fonz-esque kid with his hands in his pockets getting introduced to a little girl with pigtails. CRACKED! Where are your manners? Besides that, this is a fine little guide. Hell, maybe it's all good advice. I don't know. I never babysat. It sure seems like it might work. I'll give it a try.
A CRACKED LOOK AT SUMMER CAMPS: A series of comic strip gags. A lot of jokes about kids going horseback riding and smelling bad and how expensive summer camp is and things like that. My favorite? Thanks for asking. Two kids are seen chatting. 1ST KID: How do you like camp so far? 2ND KID: It's O.K., I guess. But I can't help thinking that the owner is just in it for the money. 1ST KID: Yeah. I know what you mean. The two kids turn and look into the next cabin window. They see kids crammed against the windows into tiny bunks like chickens in cages. I laughed and then I went "gosh". So far--we are boiling along!
COTTONIN' TO CARTER!: Wow! They really liked doing Jimmy Carter stuff. This is all about what Carter has done to the country. There's a big fishin' hole in front of the White House now. The New Lincoln Memorial is now Mr. Peanut. Hank Williams is on the one dollar bill. There is no more Department of Defense. It is now the Department of Feudin'. A lot of hayseed jokes and such. I wonder if any of the CRACKED Editors was ever hung for treason.
THE AWAKENING...: Good one pager. We see an egg being poked open by a chick. The chick emerges and has a look around the filthy, smelly city streets. The last panel is the chick crawling back in the egg. Not bad.
A CRACKED LOOK AT A SKATEBOARD PARK: We're halfway in already! Wow! This issue is, frankly, rad. I don't mind this one because it isn't overcrowded with jokes and there is movement in the drawing. It's when everyone's standing around like a million Henny Youngmans that I get antsy. This one is not bad. Of course, the jokes aren't funny but you take what you can get.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO SOCCER: Not a great one but not a bad one either. A lot of very dry captions with really goofy pictures. Things like "This is the goalkeeper" and we see a fellow with a feather duster and an apron cleaning up the goal. You know what I mean. There are a few smiles in here.
AN AFTERNOON AT AN ARTIST'S STUDIO: One pager that ain't half bad. The joke is kind of obvious but it's a fun scan.
IF ROCKEY APPEARED IN OTHER TV AND MOVIE SPOTS: You knew it had to happen. Let's see where they send Rockey.
The Merry Tailor More Show - Rockey and Paulie show up. Paulie does some dumb stuff and it's over. Well, that was brief.
Wilderness Kingdom - Murle Purkins goes after the "Italian Stallion". He spends a page watching Rockey get ready for his day. It's not bad. Rockey eats eggs and likes animals and is well-built. Nice. They've got it.
Jawz - Do you think Rockey beats up the shark? Well, you could be right.
Welcome Back, Kodder - He's teaching now! Yep! And, he's not very smart. He got in there by beating up the principal.
Apparently, there's not a lot to do with this character. The same jokes are repeated several times. Maybe a better choice of shows would have worked. This article, which I had very high hopes for, is just OK.
THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE: Still selling Fonz for President.
AIRPLOT '77: If you've seen the film, you'll enjoy this. I've seen the film therefore I enjoyed it. Jokes all around the "plane goes underwater" entry in the Airport films. I like the film and I enjoyed the rib tickling quality of this article. And, it isn't as loaded up as a MAD article. More space. I like that.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE RADIO KING: Nanny (the sweet one) goes to station WARP and discovers that the guy in charge is a real chiseler. He doesn't care about you. All he wants is a couple of bucks. Well, can you blame him? I thought he was going to ask Nanny out at one point but he didn't. Nanny does it again but, honestly, I'm getting a little bored with these coming at the end of every issue. Can we break it up next time?
SHUT-UPS
1 - 5/5 (sticks to a boxing theme)
2 - 3/5 (FFF - Funny Fat Guy)
3 - 5/5 (sticks to an airplane theme)
Final Tally - 5/3/5 A real nice one. No spiders or monsters but ugly people saying "Shut Up!" to other ugly people. How can you go wrong?
BACK COVER: Great moments in History. Some Indian guy invents an umbrella by lifting an elephant's ear and standing underneath. OK but nothing to sing about.
Overall, this is a great issue. There are dips here and there and a startling lack of Fonz antics but still... I'd recommend this one highly. It has a nice percentage of hits and only a couple of dips.
What about next issue? You ask? Well...we might just be able to keep this up.
NEXT ISSUE: [No Preview available]
Friday, August 31, 2007
Cracked #144: It Takes So Little To Make Me Happy
Cracked #144
by Pierre L.
September 1977
Tremendously stupendous. A bit surprising that the first Happy Days parody is only happening now but...Thank God. It won't be as much Fonz as we're used to but, Good Jesus Help Me, it's going to be nice. What a cover! Let's dive in!
The poster reads "Warning! Forget that you saw this poster This Means You!" Has their regular poster guy retired?
TABLE OF CONTENTS: The Fonz and Mr. C are featured in the little panels on the right. This is going to be good.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Only one page this issue. Next issue - July 12th.
The second page is taken up with a subscription ad pointing out that their accountant is a tightwad and that you can save $1.40 because he's on vacation. Not bad.
HAPPY DAZE: I knew it would be called Happy Daze! You just get that feeling. The plotlines? 1) Mr. C discovers that his hardware store had a huge drop in sales so they have to economize. "Maryanne" (Mrs. C) throws out the expensive dinners she keeps making and boils water. 2) Itchie is going to follow Mary Berth Wartwhistle to Hamburger University instead of Northwestern. Everyone thinks this is a bad idea eventually the Fonz is called in to help Itchie straighten up.
So very good. It's a mix of jokes that relate to the show (like Boney (Joanie) pointing out that her Dad tells her to "Go to bed" a lot - "Yesterday I slept 23 hours") to jokes that are pure CRACKED and don't relate to anything but the writer's minds (like Potsy showing up in a track suit for band rehearsal because they're going to "run through a few numbers"). I don't even know if the second type of humor could be considered actual comedy but it's all great. Everyone gets a moment to shine. There are some laughs. And, the Fonz says to Itchie, "Just remember, women are not everything? A man's career is important, too--how'd I get myself to say that?" Great opening. I feel like we're back on track again.
SUPER SKATEBOARD STUNTS: This was written right after the new skateboards appeared with the polyurethane wheels that allowed for all sorts of stunting around. It's OK. A lot of nice visuals showing skateboarders doing crazy stuff and, quite often, getting hurt. It's a solid 4-pager. "My Mummy Done Ptolemy" is written on the bandages of one really beaten-up skater. That is a reference to one of the absolute classic blues standards "Blues In The Night". When Daffy Duck sang it in a 1940's cartoon, it was topical. Were a lot of the kids of 1977 crazy about 1941's biggest hits? Did this make them set down their copies of Boston's debut and pick up the Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Howard Arlen Songbook vinyl? I wonder.
AD CAMPAIGNS FOR UNWANTED PRODUCTS: Pretty darn good. Ads for wrong numbers, junk mail, lumpy oatmeal and income tax forms. The wrong number ad shows a beautiful woman who meets a great man through a wrong number. "Say, how would you like to meet me for dinner tonight." [sic] "Me?...A girl whose last date was 5 years ago with a 90 year old Mongolian monk from Madagascar. Wow!!" We see a very lonely woman become completely thrilled when junk mail arrives. And, my favorite, they want you to visit the "Frost-Heave Inn". It is shown as a beautiful inn that is actually just a fake front up against a horribly run-down building.
AT AN AFTERNOON BUSINESS LUNCHEON: A one pager. I've done the joke in this one better in real life. Skip ahead.
IF COMMERCIALS WERE BUILT INTO TV PROGRAMS: They seem to be right back on track. Kojerk, The Bionic Lady, McClod, Walter Klondike and the Evening News and the ABD Movie of the Week all get loaded up with ads (product placement expanded). The ABD Movie is my favorite. It stars a Woody Allen character in a situation very similar to the Mad Scientist section of Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex..." Ads keep appearing and it's great. I'd detail the ads and the jokes but this one's more fun to read than read about.
A CRACKED LOOK AT THE PHONE COMPANY: One of the lighter "CRACKED LOOKS". The jokes aren't funny but it breezes by and it is interrupted by...
"FREE GIFT #2" CRCAKED STICKERS! There are around 18 of them and they are all sort of like mini-posters. "Fight Ilitarasy!" A one-way sign pointing two ways. "Out of Ordre" That kind of thing.
They are cooking here. No wonder the poster in this one was blah. They saved all the great stuff for the stickers.
EXPOSING THE CON IN CONTESTS: You know, I think I see why this issue is hitting it so solidly. They never wander outside of the sort of thing they do well. Although this isn't their best issue, each article hits the strengths and leaves you smiling. This one shows big contest ads and then has a small magnifying glass in a corner revealing the fine print. The one that grabbed me right off was a picture of a brand new camper with an old hippy standing in front of it. "Win This Camper!" "The camper you win is Albert Snodgrass." The old, smelly hippy. Yes, The Fonz does appear in this under a "Win A Trip To Hollywood" thing. This one just cooks. Some jokes are better than others but it all just feels right.
DIGITAL INSTRUMENTS OF THE FUTURE: I'll just run through them real quick...
Digital Shopping Cart - Shows how much you'll be spending. (There is a woman shopping to the right of the woman with the cart. A child is yanking at the woman's pants to get her attention. And, the child has actually started pulling the woman's pants off. You can see part of her behind. Why?)
Digital Spending Meter - Measures how many tax dollars wasted by Congress.
Digital Unemployment Calculator - "registers the number of a school's unemployed graduates"
Digital Violence Recorder - For the top of the TV
Digital Pest Recorder - Shows how many insurance salesmen have come to your front door.
Digital Phone Meter - Shows how high your phone bill is.
Digital Calorie Calculator - Shows how much you're taking out of your fridge.
Digital Speedometer - Shows how high or low over the speed limit your car is going.
You know, there are more but the one you need to remember is the Digital Dumb Joke Totalizer. This one is for your CRACKED magazine.
THE CRACKED HISTORY OF ECOLOGY - Four pages of jokes about pollution, garbage and stuff like that. Nicely done. Although, CRACKED doesn't really seem to be convinced that any of this is a problem. They do the MAD thing where if hippies are involved, it must be pointless. Bravo, CRACKED! You've always stood your ground. Not a great article but you may learn a thing or two. (Or you might not.)
BAAD BAAD BLACK SHEEP: A perfect example of why the TV parodies are better than the movie parodies. If this had been for a movie that I'd never seen, I'd be snoozing because the jokes would be very scene specific. But, it's a parody of a TV show I've never seen and I love it. Who are these characters? What are they doing? Who knows? But, I'm smiling. The second page and half of the third are made up of a big aerial dogfight with jokes coming out of various planes. Nice. One woman mentions breaking her Vinnnie Barabarino thermos. Awesome.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE PET STORE KING: Our Nanny skewers some jerk who is selling people all kinds of strange pets and pet-related things. Way to go, Nanny! This Pet Store King reminds me a lot of the Fad King from a few issues back. Regardless, skewered he be! Wonderful.
SHUT-UPS
Do you need the ratings here? Do you imagine they are anything less than stellar? In fact, the second one is an all-tine favorite of mine. So good.
"Gorge Hairystone Invents Rock Concerts" on the back cover. He is a caveman who hits other cavemen with a rock. Ahhh... I feel refreshed.
When they are on, they are on! CRACKED, you hit it here! As I said, they stick to their strengths and they can't be beat. Too bad we had to go through a bit of a trough but things are nice again. What will the next issue hold? Hmmm...
Next Issue: Holding Awesome!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Cracked 143: Who is this "Rocky"?
Cracked #143
August 1977
by Pierre L.
Sigh!
Yes, there is no Kong on the cover. Yes, that's wonderful. Yes, there is no Fonz on the cover. Yes, the tears are rolling down my face, too. But, it is very nice to see someone not gorilla-esque on the cover. The promise of "Rocky" and "Silver Streak" parodies in the same issue isn't as thrilling as I'd wish it to be but...look on top! The cover declares, quite boldly I might add, "Your Very Own Chicken Poster!" So, although two movie spoofs in one issue might make me wary, all I can think is "Holy crap, a chicken poster of my own!"
Let's go in!
Hey! There is a chicken poster. "Down With The Colonel!" Nice. I've got two issues of the magazine because I had to detach this hilarious poster. It now hangs over my four-poster. Ahhh... Can the magazine be as great, I wonder?
TABLE OF CONTENTS:Proofreader is still Jhon Smiht. The comedy simmers slowly. It's like pre-heating an oven.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: You know, this month's letters column hasn't grabbed me. Normally, I have to restrain my sides. This time, it seems almost like a regular letters page with occasional comedy drawings. Hopefully, this is not how I feel about the whole thing. Next issue - June 7th.
ROCKEY: Rockey's a real bruiser! Adrian's so ugly that she wears a paper bag over her head! There's boxing and lockers and jokes about turtle food! My God, I was never much of a Rocky fan but now I'm buying all the movies and watching them three times each. The things CRACKED makes you do. Best joke: Rockey is taking Aperian on a date. He asks Brawly what his sister might want to do: "Hey, Brawly! What's your sister like to do?" "Take her some place where she'll feel right at home." "Like where?" "...the dog show." Oh, my sides. thanks, Cracked. What else have you got?
IF TV COMMERCIALS WERE HONEST: Loved it! Dorothy Hamill for Clearall. McDonald's. Long Distance calling. Rosie and Bounty. Shake 'n' Bake. Pepsi. Laundry detergent. They all get it here...and it's funny. They throw a series of zings at the adverts for these articles of merchandise and they leave everyone squirming on the ground. Razor sharp satire from America's favorite Cracked!
SPECIALTY SIGNS FOR SPECIALTY STORES: Great drawings of storefronts with very specific signage. The balding Lamb Sweater Shop has a sign that says "We want to pull the wool over your eyes." Yes, the jokes are like that. Nice and obvious so you don't get distracted from the Richard Scarry-esque drawings. I want to live in this town!
SMALL IS BEAUTIFUL: Everything's tiny. Tiny cars (can be cleaned in the dishwasher) to tiny wives (easy to brow-beat) are all covered. Tiny cigarettes, too. The things that inflation and shortages made us do. Look at that guy's wife! She's tiny!
POEMS TO CRY BY: Purchased from some sort of MAD Magazine garage sale, no doubt. Rejection letters and the like from schools, publishers and such all told in rhyme. I'll be honest: I don't read Mad because of this sort of article. Not enough pictures! A couple of funny poems but I can't recommend it.
NEW FORMS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT - Thank Heavens, pictures! Boy, Pong really has made everyone go crazy. This article is pretty good. Stuff to do at home! Things like putting colored lights on your turntable and watching them spin. Putting asbestos ducks in your toaster and shooting at them. At two pages, this one is a breeze.
Hey, there have been a lot of short articles in this one! Clearing house, Cracked?
A CRACKED LOOK AT A CIRCUS - Contrary to my popular opinion, I like this one. There is a lot more space in it and fewer jokes. The jokes seem more disconnected from the setting than ever but, you know what, I love a circus. I also love a parade but I haven't hit that yet.
CRACKED SPECIALIZED GREETING CARDS - What's with all the cards and letters and rhyming in this one? Would the Fonz have kept this under control? This article, at least, has pictures. "I love your doggie and his cute heart-shaped marking/ but I'm calling the cops if he doesn't stop barking!" with accompanying drawings. A sweet little piece of candy that leaves no aftertaste.
So far things are going pretty fair.
HELP WANTED - There are ads for an "environmental pollution director" but it's a garbageman! Ha HA! Well, kind of obvious. They're really turning the satire screws hard on this one, though. Most of these jobs sound great - but they stink! Next!
CRACKED LOOKS AT THE T-SHIRT CRAZE - Brief comic strips with jokes about T-shirts that have stuff written on them. Boy, this issue alternates the satire with the breezy stuff pretty easily. My favorite? Oh, thanks for asking. A mom is watching her daughter go out with a young gentleman. Mom has a rolling pin in her hand. The kids are smiling. Mom's T-shirt says "Overseer". The daughter's says "Slave". The boy's says "Master". Classy! Oh, one guy's shirt says "I Love My Splotz!"
SILVER STREAKED - Two movie parodies in one issue. Maybe this is a Mad magazine. Nope, it's CRACKED. This one's OK. I'm kind of "movie parodied" out. A couple of decent jokes but were the kids really into jokes about trains being late? Well, they could have been, I guess. Wasn't the movie mostly a comedy? Hey! Rocky's in the first panel! Way to go, Rock! Let me look for the Fonz.
THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE - Hey, someone cut out the coupon in mine!
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE MONSTER KING - Ahhh, here's King Kong. (He appeared briefly in Rockey, too.) I was hoping he might have fallen from favor. Nope. Just getting sifted around in the magazine. Nanny visits the King in his giant Hollywood home. (I do mean 'giant'.) In the end, Nanny's charm causes King Kong to carry her away. She'll be back. I hope. Not really a hard-hitting interview but it was fun. King Kong has a big house! I must be in a good mood today if I let this constant "Kong Worship" just breeze by here. Oh well...
Shut-Ups
1 - 2/5 (Zing me!)
2 - 4/5 (Hang someone from a cliff and I'm yours.)
3 - 1/6
Average - 8 The final shut-up was too damp and I'm lonely.
Back Cover - Great Moments in Dentistry "Doctor Luke Wormwatter, Pioneer Dentist and part time trapper, invents the first false teeth." Kicks me right there, nice and low.
A charming mix of longer, harder pieces and shorter, flabbier bits. This issue and the last one have been like rays of light after the foul-smelling sludge of #141. I want to say that, at this point, King Kong is done and we can move on.
Next issue: Quick Quiz!
What kind of days (or daze) can we expect in the next issue?
a) Crappy
b) Sappy
c) Happy
Think carefully before answering.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Addendum to the Review of Issue #142
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE BIGGEST THING AROUND IF...
...if your idea of a king-sized bed is Yankee Stadium!
(We see Kong asleep. His body fills up the stadium.)
...if you get a splinter in your foot and it turns out to be the state of Rhode Island!
(We see Kong with an ouchie on his toe actually sitting on the entirety of North America.)
...if you avoid tornadoes because they make you ticklish!
(We see Kong giggling as a tornado goes up his back.)
...if giant redwoods are your favorite brand of toothpicks!
(You can imagine this one.)
...if your idea of an eating utensil is a steam shovel!
(We see a steam shovel dropping bananas into Kong's mouth.
...if you've just straightened out the Leaning Tower of Pisa...and you're not even aware of it!
(We see Kong casually leaning on the now-straightened tower.)
...if you have a mouth that's bigger than the mouths of Muhammad Ali and Howard Cosell combined!
...if you love Paris because of its wonderful slide!
(We see Kong sliding down the Eiffel tower.)
...if the Jolly Green Giant looks up to you!
(We see that the Giant goes up to Kong's ankle.)
...if you think the best pillows are to be found in Egypt!
(We see Kong asleep against a pyramid.)
(We also see a woman in a bikini. She has taken her top off and is covering her chest. A little caption reads "Gaza Strip.")
...if you dig Yellowstone National Park because of its hot showers!
(We see Kong washing up in Old Faithful.)
...if Death Valley is your idea of a nice sandbox!
(We see Kong in the desert with a bucket and shovel.)
...if icebergs are your favorite brand of Popsicle!
(We see Kong sucking on a Titanic Ice Cream Co. iceberg pop.)
...if your idea of playing with blocks is playing with forty-second street and forty-third street...!
(We see Kong playing with cars in the middle of a city street.)
...if your dentist has to know how to operate a jack hammer!
(We see a fellow jackhammer at Kong's teeth.)
...if your favorite surfboard is an aircraft carrier!
...if you've been afraid your sleepwalking may have been responsible for the Colosseum's condition!
(We see the damaged Colosseum in the background. In the foreground, we see Kong and he is covering his mouth with an "Oh boy! What did I did?" expression.)
...if you think windmills make nice fans!
...if you find yourself doing a lot of ducking around airports!
From CRACKED #142 (pages 22-24)
Writer unknown.
...if your idea of a king-sized bed is Yankee Stadium!
(We see Kong asleep. His body fills up the stadium.)
...if you get a splinter in your foot and it turns out to be the state of Rhode Island!
(We see Kong with an ouchie on his toe actually sitting on the entirety of North America.)
...if you avoid tornadoes because they make you ticklish!
(We see Kong giggling as a tornado goes up his back.)
...if giant redwoods are your favorite brand of toothpicks!
(You can imagine this one.)
...if your idea of an eating utensil is a steam shovel!
(We see a steam shovel dropping bananas into Kong's mouth.
...if you've just straightened out the Leaning Tower of Pisa...and you're not even aware of it!
(We see Kong casually leaning on the now-straightened tower.)
...if you have a mouth that's bigger than the mouths of Muhammad Ali and Howard Cosell combined!
...if you love Paris because of its wonderful slide!
(We see Kong sliding down the Eiffel tower.)
...if the Jolly Green Giant looks up to you!
(We see that the Giant goes up to Kong's ankle.)
...if you think the best pillows are to be found in Egypt!
(We see Kong asleep against a pyramid.)
(We also see a woman in a bikini. She has taken her top off and is covering her chest. A little caption reads "Gaza Strip.")
...if you dig Yellowstone National Park because of its hot showers!
(We see Kong washing up in Old Faithful.)
...if Death Valley is your idea of a nice sandbox!
(We see Kong in the desert with a bucket and shovel.)
...if icebergs are your favorite brand of Popsicle!
(We see Kong sucking on a Titanic Ice Cream Co. iceberg pop.)
...if your idea of playing with blocks is playing with forty-second street and forty-third street...!
(We see Kong playing with cars in the middle of a city street.)
...if your dentist has to know how to operate a jack hammer!
(We see a fellow jackhammer at Kong's teeth.)
...if your favorite surfboard is an aircraft carrier!
...if you've been afraid your sleepwalking may have been responsible for the Colosseum's condition!
(We see the damaged Colosseum in the background. In the foreground, we see Kong and he is covering his mouth with an "Oh boy! What did I did?" expression.)
...if you think windmills make nice fans!
...if you find yourself doing a lot of ducking around airports!
From CRACKED #142 (pages 22-24)
Writer unknown.
Thank God for M*A*S*H! (Kong goes 4 for 4)
Cracked #142
July 1977
by Pierre L.
The cover is actually pretty clever. You just have to look at it a bit. But, there's Kong's arm and there's Kong's face (complete with CRACKED hat!). I have no idea whether Kong will appear again on the next issue. Possibly? Who knows? I wish they'd give over to someone new or hand it back to the sweet, sweet Fonz.
The poster is a big WANTED poster for King Kong and, here's the thing: He's big. Real big. Still. The whole thing is covered with one large fingerprint. Actually, a fine poster.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: The proof reader is still doing well. Although, I've noticed that he's not a great speller.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Here we go! One of the readers got it. "Dear CRACKED, What's all the fuss about King Kong? If he wasn't so big no one would pay any attention to him. -"Shorty" Lefkowitz. Brooklyn, NY." Bravo, "Shorty". Next issue - May 3rd.
M.U.S.H.: The second appearance of a M*A*S*H parody in CRACKED. (1st - #115, March 1974) I haven't read the first one but this one is just fine. The plot: Eagleye has his arms run over by Franc who is driving a tank through the mess hall. Eagleye spends the entire time crackin' wise with casts on his arms. Col. Potted is seen in bed with his horse. Sonar runs around with a pair of teeth yelling "Choppers! Choppers!" When Eageleye's casts are removed, he waves his arms around and says, "You can't be in the army without your little armies!" Brilliant. Ahhh...I could use four or five more M*A*S*H parodies. Great opening.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO FRIZBEE: Pretty darn funny. I think the hobby parodies are generally much funnier than the sports parodies. This one has a narrator with some sass and some great illustrations, including folks playing frizbee while standing on the wings of WWI planes in flight. And, the final panel has a cameo from...The Incredible Hulk! This is a good one.
WHAT BUSINESSES CAN DO WITH LEFTOVER ITEMS: The idea here is blah but it's all in the incidentals. They discuss what to do with old, unsold LPs. And, the titles of the albums are: "Barry Goldwater Sings Russian Love Songs", "Dorothy Hamill Skates", "Beloved Opera Selections as performed by Andy Williams and Kiss" and "Hum Along With Rosemary Woods". At two pages, this one shows up, makes you smile and then goes.
So far, so great!
REDOING THE EVENING NEWS: Barbara Walters joins ABC news and CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite drops in the ratings. This article is about all the goofballery that they will engage in to keep ratings, including car chases and anchors dressing as women. Eventually, the best anchor duo ever arrives - Arthur Fonzerelli & Vinnie Barbarino! Best joke: Barbarino - "Tell me, Fonz. What's the latest in China?" Fonz - "I think it's matching cups and plates!" The Fonz laughs uproariously at his own joke. Oh man, this issue is wockin'! I wish #141 never existed.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE BIGGEST THING AROUND IF: Either the zenith or nadir of the "That King Kong sure is big" articles. It all depends on whether you're sick to death of him or not. Check the addendum. I'll help you decide. Keep in mind when you peruse the text that the illustrations are quite funny.
ONE DAY AT A WASHINGTON D.C. SCHOOL: A one-pager about Amy Carter in school. I didn't laugh. Am I hard-hearted?
A CRACKED LOOK AT AN AMUSEMENT AREA: Ignore the jokes on this one and look at the games. There's air hockey and that bowling game where you sent a silver disc down a mini-alley and it hit little metal things coming out of the alley under the pins. Then, the pins would go right up. Awesome! We used to have one of those! Great game! There's a game called Judge and Jury with a man behind bars inside it. And, there's a Safari Hunt game with a real gorilla inside it. I'd love to see this without all the word balloons getting in the way.
First half of the issue: 4 Stars out of 5! Cooking! This is great CRACKED.
THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE: "Fonz For President" still for sale. Why not put him on the cover more often then?
ONE DAY AT A RAILROAD CROSSING: One pager. It's all right. We're easing into the second half of the issue.
HOW TO RUN YOUR HOME USING NO ELECTRICAL POWER: Going from room to room of a modern house to show how generators and dog's tails and stationary bicycles and such can lead us towards a happier life without the dependency on electrical power. This one's a bit too verbose for the funny pictures. You find yourself looking at the pictures and ignoring the text. But, there are smiles here and it's a decent article.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BASKETBALL: The picture that matches the caption "...and technical fouls like unsportsmanlike conduct" is one my favorites in all of CRACKED. Funny! The rest of the article? Well...two guides in one issue? Didn't we just do this a couple of issues ago? Luckily, this one is OK. But, I find myself reading it quickly so I can see what is next. That's not so great.
ONE DATE AT A TIME: Well, it stank when it was on the air. It stinks now. Why wouldn't the parody be great? I can't answer that. As with the previous article, I found myself reading this one very fast. There are a couple of good jokes but it doesn't feel inspired like the M*A*S*H parody, which is too bad. It is not, however, annoying. Just not great.
LATE ONE EVENING: Decent one pager. A cat meowing and a guy throwing shoes at it.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE FAD KING: Way to go, Nanny! This Fad King sells junk! His "melted snowman" is a beaker full of water. The Pet Rock Food is a scam! A turtleneck sweater for a snake plant? Now, that I'll buy! Nice.
SHUT-UPS
1 - 5/5 (Kong)
2 - 5/5 (Nixon)
3 - 5/5 (Giant bees)
Total: 100% Shut UP! This is one of my favorites. Perfect capper for a very good issue.
"Og (Fingers) Oogala Invents Fishing" in this issue's back cover "Great Moments in History" and it's mildly amusing. He is a caveman, after all. (See my "Comedy Rules #327)
A very good issue. The second half lets the side down a bit but you can't have everything. There's enough brio in the first half to keep us flying along. I'm only hoping that Kong will wave good-bye for the next issue and that we can move into new territories. We'll see.
Next Issue: Pugilist!*
*Yeah. I looked at the cover. I breathed a big, fat sigh of relief. Or is that "big, phat sigh"?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Kong's Back A Third Time
Cracked #141
May 1977
by Pierre L.
You can feature Dustin Hoffman and Marathon Man as much as you want but when King Kong's huge foot is crushing a car in the background -- we know who the real star of this cover is. With his third cover appearance in a row, I give you -- Mr. Kong. One more and he'll tie The Fonz. Two more and he's got the record. Oh dear.
Inside with me, please.
The poster for this one demands "End Alphabetical Discrimination Now!" "People whose last name begins with the letter 'X' demand to be put in the FRONT of the phone book today!" Wit, thy name is CRACKED.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: You know what? Not much to report here. They list all the things that are going to be in the magazine and say what page you can find stuff on. It's really quite handy.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: What I learned? CRACKED always comes out on a Tuesday. Next issue - March 8
MARATHON JAM: I've never seen Marathon Man. I put it on my Netflix list to watch it for this review but they sent me Azumanga Daioh - Disc 2 instead. That was awesome! This is a pretty straightforward movie parody. Speeding through what is, apparently, a very complicated plot, it hits what, I imagine, are the high points and moments. The best gag is the running gag of Dustin Hoffman's character constantly running no matter what he's doing. I have such a tough time getting excited over their movie parodies, even when I've seen the movies.
Let's call it this: A decent opening that promises great things ahead.
KING KONG'S BOYHOOD: Pretty good timeline of Kong's life from when he's born until he became a Hollywood star. Although, this one seems to rely a little too heavily on the fact that Kong is really big. (No! Really big!) One of the panels says "By the age of 5, Kong was already taller than his father..." We see a small gorilla standing on a tree stump glowering at a big gorilla eating a lollipop. I don't see the joke here. For every good gag, there is one like this. The Fonz was cool and that was cool. King Kong is big and that was funny...eleven times. Now, I'm getting a little tired of Kong.
VIDEO GAMES WE'LL SOON BE SEEING: I had no idea that people were playing Pong in early-1977. I thought it was closer to 1980. Goodness gracious. Every game here looks like Pong. There is "Passing The Buck" Two small rectangles on each side sending a small dollar sign back and forth. "Bureaucrats and politicians take to this game like a duck takes to water." "The Boston Bounce" features the rectangles sending a bus back and forth. "Stubborn defenders try to keep integrated bus from landing at their school. The real losers in this game are the kids at both schools." Did they steal this article from MAD? It's nice to know that CRACKED hit the video game bandwagon as soon as possible. Things only get nuttier circa-1982.
My favorite: "Lusho - The Perfect Contest for Dean Martin Types" This one involves booze.
CRACKED'S NEW LEARN-AT-HOME SCHOOLS: MAD? Ads for the "Plastic Surgeon's Institute" and "The Cracked Humor institute" and "Become an Astronaut" pepper this one. Some stuff is pretty funny but it doesn't quite grab me. It's a bit too obvious, even for CRACKED. I do like the Humor Institute bit, though. The "pick the correct punch line" for a "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?" gag is nice.
LIFE'S BIG LOSERS: Speaking of MAD, Alfred E. is featured at the top of this along with the Edsel and the American taxpayer and stuff. Super Zing! A series of three panel bits describing a loser trying to fix his or her life and getting in deeper. For example: "As a surfer, Sandy Shores was always bumping into dangerous poles..." We see a surfer running into a dock pole. "so he took up skateboarding" We see Sandy skateboarding. "...and he's still bumping into dangerous Poles!" We see Sandy being hoisted off the ground by a fellow saying "Nobody runs into Mike Kowalski, punk!" This one's OK. You know when one of these issues starts off a little weak it can take a while before it really picks up again.
This next bit ain't helping.
A CRACKED LOOK AT PLAINS, GEORGIA: Home of new President Jimmy Carter. Cluttered with lame gags about peanuts, this one has a nice background but I got about halfway through hopping from joke to joke and found myself bored. I'm really wishing on a superb second half here.
REDEMPTION COUPONS WE'D REALLY LIKE TO SEE: Am I sure I'm not reading MAD? A series of coupons to get consumers out of really annoying things. "One Night free of noise from Trash Collectors" "10 minutes of Smogless Sky" "Coupon entitles bearer to add three years to his age in order to see 'R' and X-rated movies." It's OK. I'm not bowled over by it but it's not without its charm.
THE SEARCH FOR BIGFOOT: The joke is lame but I love Bigfoot. Maybe we'll see more of him in the future? A one-pager.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BOWLING: 5 pages and it's charming. Some funny illustrations perk up this one. I'm really looking for anything here and this one is a nice moment of "Ahhh! Now, it might pick up!" I'm hoping. I haven't felt this blah about an issue in a while.
SOME GARAGE SALES WE'D LIKE TO SEE: King Kong, NYC, Ronald Reagan and Ex-President Ford's garage sales. Selling off their belongings. Reagan's stuff is all Presidential victory stuff that he won't use. King Kong's stuff is all really big stuff. "Use his toothpicks for pole vaulting!" Ford's stuff is all about how clumsy he was. NYC has a lot of stuff like "beach sludge". At 2 pages, I hardly remember that this article is there. Again, it's just OK.
CHURLIE'S ANGELS: I think that title sums up the level of humor in this issue. A lot of humor, a touch of shenanigans. This is better that Marathon Jam but kind of a shrug. It does have a man named "Milton T. Spitheimer" in it so that's something.
THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE: Sure it is.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE POWER COMPANY KING: Nanny and her nephew Dickie talk with a shady power company guy who is bilking many of his customers! Where are the nice people interviews? This guy is shifty. He overcharges people and is mean and patronizing. Luckily, Nanny and Dickie hand him his pants on a pole, if you know what I mean.
Too little, too late.
SHUT-UPS
1- 2/5
2 - Noah/ Ark
3 - Turky/ Turkey
Total: Nice. A decent page of Shut-Ups. They never go wrong.
THE LONELY CONVICT AND THE PET: A one-pager on the back cover. Not really much of a joke here. Perfect for this issue.
Sigh! It's a fine line here and this one is firmly on the side of "bland" and "not funny". God, I wanted to love this issue. (I want to love every issue!) But, it starts off poor and never lifts up its head. Everyone's trying hard but no one's doing it right. Maybe it's King Kong's influence. The Fonz kept us grooving. Kong seems to have failed as the new poster boy for CRACKED. We need a replacement, pronto.
Next Issue: Will Kong return? Will I laugh?
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
He Sits on A Smelly Throne
Cracked #140
March 1977
by Pierre L.
The Fonz has been replaced, officially. (Although, the contents of the magazine might lead you to believe otherwise.) King Kong is now our poster boy for CRACKED. Two covers in a row, if you need further proof. Welcome, Kong. Are you as cool as the Fonz?
Well, that cover is pretty great. The poster inside (the "Famous Big Ape Poster") is an expansion of the cover. It's pretty great, too. Not as cool as the Fonz just saying "Ayyyyyy!" but still nice. So far, so good.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: I do see The Fonz.
John Smiht - pueef rederr
LETTUCE TO OUR READERS: Amos Svoboda, anyone? Yes, Kong is here. You gotta milk it on every page or it just won't go. Next issue on sale - January 25th
KING KUNG: I really think they should have just stuck with Kong-related articles rather than parodying the movie. The focus goes right off of Kong and onto the humans, which isn't helping anyone. (If you've noticed, so far - tons of articles on The Fonz including a Collector's Edition with almost all new material. And yet, no Happy Days parody. The Fonz would be sidelined by the other characters.) This is a decent film parody. As always, I prefer the TV stuff. I haven't seen this version of Kong in 20 years so the more specific the gag, the less it works on me. Overall, this isn't a bad opener but it's nothing world-beating.
I remember King Kong being almost universally gunked on when it came out. A remake of a classic! But, it's really no different from any of the hundreds of remakes they make today. Back then, we weren't as prepared for it. Now, it happens and we shrug. Then, it seemed like blasphemy. But, really, it's just a remake. It has its moments. It has some dud scenes. It has bits that are horribly dated. We can move on.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO HANG GLIDING: A rather sassy narrator leads us around the activity known as hang gliding. Some good jokes and funny illustrations pepper this one. I kind of wish the article after the movie parody had been a better one (there is one coming up) but it's decent enough. "Why is this called a crash helmet?" "You'll find out when you land." So far, we're in pretty average territory. The Fonz had already knocked #134 out of the park by this point.
THE MIRAGE: Clever one-pager. A good gag. Two guys in the desert imagine a couple eating and drinking under a big umbrella at a table.
RANDOLPH THE REINDEER: A little Christmas special from CRACKED. Good poem and excellent illustrations. What if Rudolph were named Randolph, smoked cigars and was surly? Nice. This will be a "Special Xmas addendum" in December. Watch out for it!
ONE DAY IN LOS ANGELES: Another one pager? Well, this isn't as good as The Mirage but there's a smile in here.
THE CRACKED GUIDE TO FOOTBALL: Another CRACKED guide? Huh? Are we running in circles in this issue? This one is "the other" kind of guide. Whereas Hang Gliding has a self-aware narrator that lies, goofs around and sets up jokes, the narrator here is very dry. He says "The game begins with a traditional kick-off." We see the coach kicking a player off the bench. Those kinds of jokes. A very straight caption describes something real followed by a goofy picture. It's neat to see the two styles so close together in an issue that we can examine them. Hang Gliding is still very fresh in our minds at this point. Look at these two Guides as more of a learning exercise than really great comedy.
A CRACKED LOOK AT A NEWSPAPER: Well, the jokes are awful but the layout, while being very cluttered, is more interesting than the unemployment office in the last issue.
At the halfway point, I've got to say that they've abandoned a lot of the MAD-style stuff from last issue but, overall, it's been a tremendously average issue. The repetition is worrying me a little.
IF KONG MADE GUEST APPEARANCES ON TV: Excellent! Here we go...saving the cream of the crop for the second half. King Kong on Happy Daze (yes, he rides a motorcycle, gets a Fonz haircut and wears cool boots), The Sunny and Clear Show, The Walled-Ins, The Six Billion Dollar Man, Laverne & Shirly and Boretta. It's just great. Big smile on my face as I read, this was much better than the movie parody. But, this article is just the warm up...
He's back!
IF THE FONZ BECOME BIONIC: Holy crap! it's as great as you think it is. The Fonz is in an accident and he and his bike are made bionic, So good. Like a big sundae covered in marshmallow and peanut butter sauce. So good.
BIONZIE AND HIS BIONIC BIKE!
-Bionic Eye (for spotting girls miles away)
-Bionic Lips (lookout)
-Bionic Arms (watch out ladies)
-Special Bionic Motor
-Bionic Leg (makes starting bike a lot easier)
-Super Bionic tires (able to grip surface)
-Bionic Hair (steel comb needed)
-Bionic Brain (makes black book unnecessary)
-Bionic Ear
I don't know. Maybe they had this article hidden away. The Bionic stuff seemed to peak back around #135 but, regardless, it is 104% wonderful. They do point out at the end that "Bionic or not, the Fonz would always be The Fonz. He's the coolest!!!"
CRACKED BOOKSTORE: They offer things. But, don't cut out the coupon or you'll damage The Fonz article.
THE BLUE NIGHT: A parody of the George Kennedy TV series "The Blue Knight" It only ran for one season so you can be forgiven for wondering what it is. But, as per my previous thoughts on their parodies, a TV parody of a show I don't know is still generally more interesting than a movie parody. This is fun. Bumpy Morgun and his partner are completely oblivious to all the crime around them until the very end. They chase some crooks around the borders of the last page of the parody. I know nothing of the show but this is funny enough. It's no Bionic Fonz but it keeps the issue moving respectably.
SOME WORLD RECORDS YOU WON'T FIND IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS: Exactly what you'd imagine. A text-heavy article with some good fake world records. "World's Heaviest Beauty Queen - At 354 lbs., Hortense McHefty was the heaviest Miss America to ever win the title...she sat on the judge until he awarded her the trophy." Stuff like that. A little bit of a drop off in quality but, at two pages, there's nothing to really complain about.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE TRAVELING CARNIVAL KING: Our Nanny is back and she's at a rather shady carnival. "A rather shady carnival?" Does that actually mean anything? I love carnivals. I love Nanny. This is one of my favorite interviews from her. Nice way to close out the main body of the magazine.
SHUT-UPS
1 - 2/3
2 - 3/4
3 - Your/Mom
Total - "Shut up and put it on your head!" makes it an automatic 4.36547463/5
GREAT MOMENTS IN GARDENING: "King Louis XIV introduces the first lawnmower." You can bet your ass that some poor people get hurt.
Not as slam-bang, "kick 'em in the head" as I was hoping. The first half of the issue is semi-forgettable. Some good moments but it is over-shadowed by the beauty of most of the second half. The Bionic Fonz is enough to make this an issue worth reading. Maybe an "All-Fonz Special" supplemented with "Fonz for President" is in order.
Read and enjoy and don't be a "Nerd".
Next issue: And, the Kong obsession continues...
Monday, August 20, 2007
Addendum to the Review of Issue #139
COWTOWN GAZETTE excerpts
May 2, 1976
Price: How much ya got?
"Controversy Over Paving Route 203 Continues"
Bursting at the seams, city hall was packed last night as nearly 8 people came to argue the pros and cons of paving Route 203. First to speak was Phillip Orkin. "Although my car disappeared in one of 203's potholes last month, I am opposed to the paving. A dirt road is a natural road. Who wants concrete covering all of Cowtown?"
The road in question is nearly 8' long and many claim that it would provide needed industry for the town by creating new jobs for 10% of the population.
"Nearly 6 people would be needed for this massive road work," declared Cowtown's part time Highway Commissioner and Tree Trunk Inspector. "Plus, countless people would stop disappearing each week while crossing the street and slipping into one of the seven 80' deep potholes!"
The meeting rolled along as Mildred Simmons displayed outrage over how high taxes would have to be to pay for the road. 'A tax rise of 1/4 of a cent is too much. That's nine times the rise of last year. This inflation must end!"
Arguments continued for twenty minutes more before Mayor Rotgut had to adjourn the meeting when his wife Hildy yelled to him that supper was ready.
"Mayor Rotgut Retires"
"It's about time," Mrs. Kay Emmerson was heard saying upon hearing the news. "Rotgut's car needed those 4 new tires for years."
Yes, after nearly 4 years, Mayor Rotgut has decided to re-tire his car by buying 4 new radials.
"It was a major decision that needed careful consideration, but the Mrs. and I finally agreed, the time has come."
Bob Steinbaum, owner of Cowtown Tire Inc., which sold the Mayor his tires, said it was a good decision on the Mayor's part!
"After a tire has 102,000 miles on it, it's time to start thinking about new ones."
Also interviewed by the Gazette was Milton Pitfire, cashier of Cowtown Tire Inc.
"The mayor is a very neat man," reported Mr. Pitfire. "He handed me all his bills face up and running the same way."
The Rotguts have saved two years for this event and plan to start using the tires at once.
The tires declined to comment to the press at this time.
"The Daily Cow Jones Average"
Number of cows milked yesterday: 1183
Number of gallons of milk produced: 2408
[Up] 7 from day before
"Gazette's Gourmet Cookbook"
CHOCOLATE WATER
Ingredients:
1 glass water
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup
1 cherry pit (optional)
Boil one glass of water in a 2 quart saucepan. Next place the water in a glass. Quickly add 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup and stir. If desired, a cherry pit can be added. This helps to see whether your family is drinking the treat or dumping it out. If they are drinking it, most family members tend to choke on the pit. Serves 1.
"Police Blotter"
Milton Bradshaw was injured when two cows collided at the intersection of South and Maple last night. The 22-year-old man was rushed to Cowtown General where, after the doctor was awakened, he was treated and released.
Tommy John Rogers called police claiming that his Star Trek ring was missing. An intensive search is now underway.
Arthur Levy was arrested and then released last night. When asked what the charges were, police said "None, we were just practicing."
Desk Officer, Sergeant Biff Cunninghams' donut choice with his coffee last night was lemon.
"Letters to the Editor"
We recognize our responsibility to publish letters on the vital issues of the day and will try to print as many letters as space permits. Note: Due to the large amount of mail we receive, we cannot give personal responses.
Dear Editor,
Bob, would you tell Tilly that she left the light on in your kitchen this morning. Thanks.
Mrs. P. Simons
820 Udder Way
Cowtown
"The Nauseous Nightingale"
Grand Re-Opening
Cowtown's #1 restaurant is back in business.
Luxurious steaks.
Tender chicken.
Scrumptious goat gizzards.
All at unbelievable prices!!
Special: Hamburger and 10 french fries only $12.95
Now, isn't that an unbelievable price?
Cowtown's only restaurant is back.
(our regrets to all of our patrons who unexpectedly took part in our unplanned food poisoning gala last month. The board of health has discovered the problem, and from now on, all of our meats will be refrigerated instead of just kept in a bag.)
Publisher: Bob Turner
Editor: Bob Turner
Office Manager: Bob Turner
Secretary: Tilly Turner
Reporting Staff (in alphabetical order): Billy Bleyer
Subscription Rates: Make us an offer.
excerpts from CRACKED MAZAGINE #139
Author: Unknown
Replicated directly from the text of the magazine
May 2, 1976
Price: How much ya got?
"Controversy Over Paving Route 203 Continues"
Bursting at the seams, city hall was packed last night as nearly 8 people came to argue the pros and cons of paving Route 203. First to speak was Phillip Orkin. "Although my car disappeared in one of 203's potholes last month, I am opposed to the paving. A dirt road is a natural road. Who wants concrete covering all of Cowtown?"
The road in question is nearly 8' long and many claim that it would provide needed industry for the town by creating new jobs for 10% of the population.
"Nearly 6 people would be needed for this massive road work," declared Cowtown's part time Highway Commissioner and Tree Trunk Inspector. "Plus, countless people would stop disappearing each week while crossing the street and slipping into one of the seven 80' deep potholes!"
The meeting rolled along as Mildred Simmons displayed outrage over how high taxes would have to be to pay for the road. 'A tax rise of 1/4 of a cent is too much. That's nine times the rise of last year. This inflation must end!"
Arguments continued for twenty minutes more before Mayor Rotgut had to adjourn the meeting when his wife Hildy yelled to him that supper was ready.
"Mayor Rotgut Retires"
"It's about time," Mrs. Kay Emmerson was heard saying upon hearing the news. "Rotgut's car needed those 4 new tires for years."
Yes, after nearly 4 years, Mayor Rotgut has decided to re-tire his car by buying 4 new radials.
"It was a major decision that needed careful consideration, but the Mrs. and I finally agreed, the time has come."
Bob Steinbaum, owner of Cowtown Tire Inc., which sold the Mayor his tires, said it was a good decision on the Mayor's part!
"After a tire has 102,000 miles on it, it's time to start thinking about new ones."
Also interviewed by the Gazette was Milton Pitfire, cashier of Cowtown Tire Inc.
"The mayor is a very neat man," reported Mr. Pitfire. "He handed me all his bills face up and running the same way."
The Rotguts have saved two years for this event and plan to start using the tires at once.
The tires declined to comment to the press at this time.
"The Daily Cow Jones Average"
Number of cows milked yesterday: 1183
Number of gallons of milk produced: 2408
[Up] 7 from day before
"Gazette's Gourmet Cookbook"
CHOCOLATE WATER
Ingredients:
1 glass water
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup
1 cherry pit (optional)
Boil one glass of water in a 2 quart saucepan. Next place the water in a glass. Quickly add 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup and stir. If desired, a cherry pit can be added. This helps to see whether your family is drinking the treat or dumping it out. If they are drinking it, most family members tend to choke on the pit. Serves 1.
"Police Blotter"
Milton Bradshaw was injured when two cows collided at the intersection of South and Maple last night. The 22-year-old man was rushed to Cowtown General where, after the doctor was awakened, he was treated and released.
Tommy John Rogers called police claiming that his Star Trek ring was missing. An intensive search is now underway.
Arthur Levy was arrested and then released last night. When asked what the charges were, police said "None, we were just practicing."
Desk Officer, Sergeant Biff Cunninghams' donut choice with his coffee last night was lemon.
"Letters to the Editor"
We recognize our responsibility to publish letters on the vital issues of the day and will try to print as many letters as space permits. Note: Due to the large amount of mail we receive, we cannot give personal responses.
Dear Editor,
Bob, would you tell Tilly that she left the light on in your kitchen this morning. Thanks.
Mrs. P. Simons
820 Udder Way
Cowtown
"The Nauseous Nightingale"
Grand Re-Opening
Cowtown's #1 restaurant is back in business.
Luxurious steaks.
Tender chicken.
Scrumptious goat gizzards.
All at unbelievable prices!!
Special: Hamburger and 10 french fries only $12.95
Now, isn't that an unbelievable price?
Cowtown's only restaurant is back.
(our regrets to all of our patrons who unexpectedly took part in our unplanned food poisoning gala last month. The board of health has discovered the problem, and from now on, all of our meats will be refrigerated instead of just kept in a bag.)
Publisher: Bob Turner
Editor: Bob Turner
Office Manager: Bob Turner
Secretary: Tilly Turner
Reporting Staff (in alphabetical order): Billy Bleyer
Subscription Rates: Make us an offer.
excerpts from CRACKED MAZAGINE #139
Author: Unknown
Replicated directly from the text of the magazine
In With The Kong, Out With The Fonz
Cracked #139
January 1976(sic)
by Pierre L.
I didn't think the last issue, as you know, was as wonderful as the batch before it. Would this one lift up the end again and show the beautiful CRACKED fanny we adore or would it sag around and be average? (Remembering that "Average CRACKED" is better than "Above Average MAD".)
Well, the cover seems to have it all. Keeping up the "as many pop culture characters as we can" groove, we have King Kong's hand, Barney Miller and The Fonz. It's nice. But, wouldn't The Fonz just bust out of their and punch that big ape on his Nerd Nose? He looks a little too shocked for my tastes.
Within...
The Poster: "Warning! The World will end at 5:26 PM!" The fine print says something about being here tomorrow if it doesn't happen today. Well, they can't all be good. I don't understand why so many of these have yellow backgrounds? Isn't that garish?
TABLE OF CONTENTS - "King Kong arrested for jaywalking? Looks like Sylvester's made the biggest 'pinch' in history! But where are Barney and his crew going to put him? Not in with the Fonz, we hope! That wouldn't be 'cool'!" I like the way cool is in quotes. Their satire can be as sharp as a razor. They are cool because they act like grampas. They are writing this magazine. They don't understand the pop culture they're writing about. But, they know that The Fonz is really popular and he is "cool". They have no idea what they means. But, it's a buzzword so they have to include it. Even if you end up seeming like a grampa trying to be hip. Oh, the sharp charm of their immaculate wit. CRACKED! This is why I love you! It's like spelling "The Fonz" with an "e" back in #134, Brilliant.
C. ANTSPELL - Prufe Reidre
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: It is confirmed! The proof reader has been returned and the kidnappers have claimed the ransom. I wonder what ended up happening with that. Next issue goes on sale - December 21st.
BLARNEY MILLER: Never really liked the show. It had one of those theme songs like "Taxi" or "Cheers" that seemed to dare you to sit through it. But, CRACKED does a funny job here. The city is taking away all their money so they have to keep zoo animals and make sandwiches for people and stuff like that. It's fun. The TV satires are always much better than the movie satires because their imaginations have more places to go. I like all the random appearances by cops and such throughout. They just appear in the foreground or background looking at us and saying something witty. I think seeing Kojak was nice. But, when did The Godfather start dressing like The Fonz? It's strange seeing the old Marlon Brando godfather in a leather jacket looking slim and with slicked back hair. (Fonzerella was a fairy tale so it doesn't count.) Where'd they get that from?
EVOLUTION REVOLUTION: This article shows the way different species, including man, will evolve due to pollution and overpopulation and such. Deer will evolve to look like hunters. Fish will develop feet and the ability to eat garbage. Page three describes the futuristic human and he ain't pretty. I, for one, don't think I would like to develop a protective shell to protect myself from muggers. Would you? An interesting 3-page article with some clever gags. Satire of the world's troubles right after a Barney Miller parody! Is there anything they can't do? (Oh, one panel shows a man watching a commercial on TV. The product looks like a box of detergent. It says "Now!...NERD" on the box.)
THE MEN BEHIND KONG - The first King Kong article. The 1976 remake came out on December 17, 1976. This issue was released in October 1976, I think. The hype was, indeed, huge. This article covers all the folks who take care of Kong from the guys who apply his deodorant to his mouthwash team to the guys who feed him. It's Kong's big face or body in every panel and little guys doing something to it. Each panel also has an extra gag, free of charge. For example, "Kong's Prop Department" is polishing a huge pair of glasses.
"What makes you think the Kong needs prescription glasses?" "The other day he made a pass at The Statue of Liberty!" Fun.
"GOING OUT" SIMULATION KITS - I like this one. For folks who like to stay at home but want to experience going out, they can buy kits that make them feel like they are at the movies or at a restaurant or at a hockey game or at an art museum or on an airplane or at a rock concert or in the CRACKED Offices. This one (much like the Evolution Revolution) is a softer and more charming version of the sort of thing MAD does. Each kit is exactly what you'd imagine. The restaurant comes with a fake rude waiter. The rock concert puts you in the center of a group of smelly cardboard cut-out people. It's great. This one you need to see to really appreciate.
Grampa Alert! The Rock Concert kit is called the "Frankie Avalon Memorial Music Machine Kit". Huh?
COWTOWN GAZETTE: Probably my favorite thing in here. It is four pages of the local newspaper from one of the smallest towns in the U.S. See the addendum for some article samples. This feels like a non-naughty version of something from the National Lampoon. Dense and very funny.
A CRACKED LOOK AT AN UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE: They can't all be hits, folks. Crowded and unfunny. Although, the Frankenstein Monster is in the upper left hand corner. That's pretty cool.
WHEN TODAY WILL SEEM LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS 20 YEARS FROM NOW: Good God, let's keep those titles under control. It's what you'd expect. The left panel is the beef with today and the right panel is how it will be worse in 1996. Today: Telemarketers bother you. Twenty years: They bother you but you have to see them with video phones. Things like that. Problems with baseball games, smokers, fishing and so on. Today: Commercials get in the way of TV shows. 20 Years: No commercials! It's all Pay TV! This one's OK. I think it sort of feels too similar to Evolution Revolution. However, it's not bad. A quick read.
CRACKED LOOKS AT THE WORLD OF SUPERDOM: Is CRACKED trying to be exactly like MAD in this issue or are they parodying it? A series of one to several panel comic strips showing superheroes getting into shenanigans. Batman beats up a man attacking Robin who turns out to be a Truant Officer. Super Guy is seen demolishing a building. He gets picketed by the unions because he's a scab. Super Guy kicks a man in the butt. The man turns out to to be The Fonz. Fun. Another quick read. You'll forget it when you get two pages on. Well, you might not forget Super Dude. He looks like Bootsy Collins.
The CHECK-UP: One page gag. Fly by it.
THE WIDER WORLD OF SPORTS: A good one. It completely captures how rotten that show was. "Tonight, we have skiing from here! Horse racing from here! Boxing from here! And, everything!" Then, they jump from sport to sport, showing the highlights and nothing else. No suspense, no excitement. It was like flipping through radio stations. Well done, CRACKED! You nailed it! Oh, by the way, does anyone else remember this show?
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS: Two pages of doors with corresponding "behind them" jokes. For example, the door to the Philadelphia Zoo. Behind it, we see men climbing into animal suits. It goes like that. More MAD-like flavors. Somewhere in this issue it became very MAD-esque and a very quick read. We're speeding along. It hasn't been bad just a little Un-CRACKED.
ONE EXTREMELY FOGGY NIGHT IN MINNESOTA: Another one-pager? Huh? Is this an odds 'n' ends issue? This one isn't bad, though.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE ANTIQUE KING: The smaller, non-zaftig Nanny is in charge of this one. Unfortunately for everyone, the quick-fast feel of the second half of this issue made this interview seem plodding. It didn't go anywhere new and felt a bit odd. If they're trying to tweak the format, don't end with this. This should have been in the slower first half. Oh well.
SHUT-UPS:
1 - 2/5
2 - 5/5 (A giant spider is always great in a Shut-up.)
3 - 4.32/5
Total - 5/5 Shut-Ups fit this new style of CRACKED Mazagine perfectly. I'm going whole hog on this total.
BACK COVER: "Great Moments in Science" Two brothers invent the binoculars and the telescope. Guess which brother has one eye?
Not a bad issue. The first half is solid and promises to make this one a classic. The second half goes off on a MAD-lite frenzy, which isn't half bad. But, it needs more space (like an entire issue) and it need some kinks worked out (Nanny). Overall, this one is worth a read but it may not stick with you. What's next? I've no idea. And, that is exciting. I'm CRACKED! What can I say?
Next Issue: "Full On Kong!"
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