Cracked #149
March 1978
by Pierre L.
Yes, we have. It's the same idea as the "Free Poster" from #135. Oh well. This one is still fun. It's nice to see these characters that we love all jumbled up like this. Darth with C-3PO's head is pretty funny. Let's step inside.
FREE POSTER: "Warning! Absolutely Nothing Will Not Be Tolerated!" Did they find this one in a "leftover gags" file from issue #74?
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Let's move on!
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - January 31st. Pretty standard stuff. Best letter: "Hey CRACKED, Don't you ever stop making fun of STAR WARS? They spent a lot of time and money on that movie and you treat it like a TV Show." So true.
There is a "Statement of Ownership, Management & Circulation" included. I may include a bit of this in an addendum.
THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN VS. DARK BADAR: Someone is draining off all of the Earth's electricity. So, Stebe Auston is shot into space and winds up on the Death Star. He gets rescued by Luke Skywalker. He thinks Stebe is the Princess. The best line in the whole bit comes when they are leaving the cell and Luke says, "Put on this Barbara Streisand disguise and we'll sneak out of here in no time." And, over the next page, the Six Billion Dollar Man runs around with a curly wig and a big nose. It's great.
This article is really quite entertaining. It mixes the movie with the TV show and comes up with a few good hoots. The crew of the Falcon and Stebe dress up as Tupperwear sales ladies and sneak on the Death Star. All sorts of junk like that. In the end, there is a Wizard of Oz parody. I liked this opener quite a bit. Mix up the TV and movie stuff more often. Putting a TV character into a movie plot is nice. Let's carry on...
CRACKED'S SPECIALLY TAILORED BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS: MAD ahoy! This is what you'd imagine. Example: "Grocer" There is a big supermarket ad that reads: "Poindexter grocery - Today's manager Special! - 1 7-1/2 lb. baby girl Denise - Started Wed. May 10th at 7:45 - Continues indefinitely." Another example: "Stock Broker" We see one of those stock printer machine things with a long stream of paper coming out of it. The magnified paper reads: "At the close of the hospital today, Callenger Enterprises was up 1 as the company declared a new dividend - Mark David Callenger Company should continue rapid growth as Mrs. Callenger told stockholders her intention of declaring still a second dividend on a date to be announced." Stuff like that. Written in their sleep or taken from an old issue of MAD. Move on.
JERRY INTERVIEWS THE STARS: Jerry Dumpy interviews Bobby Bake, King Kung, Wretched Thomas (John-Boy) and Wattah Faucet (ex-Charlie's Angel). This one has some fun art and some good gags. Wattah shows up at the door looking like the lady from the Bounty commercials. King Kung is really tiny. The best, though, is Mr. Thomas. In contrast to his Waltons character, he wears a beret and smokes a cigarette on a long holder and yells "Hi!...Simply Hi-i-i-!" when he sees Jerry. In the end, Jerry turns out to be Nanny Dickering. Pretty good stuff.
ONE AFTERNOON AT A COLORADO SKI COMPETITION: Decent one-pager. A lot of snow. I miss snow.
CRACKED TIPS FOR IMPROVING HOME MOVIES: If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a reprint. Actually, I don't know better. It's about spicing up home movies with flashy titles (The trip to Mexico becomes "Terror in Tijuana") and wacky camera angles and stuff like that. You need to add merchandising rights and cakes falling onto baby's heads. Then, you've got it. Fun article. I can't shake the feeling that it's an oldie, though.
A CRACKED LOOK AT SANTA'S WORKSHOP: The best ever. Big pictures and decent jokes. It's all set in Santa's place with elves and reindeer and toys and antler polish. This is the first "CRACKED LOOK AT..." that I've ever wanted to see go on for an extra page or two. Nice.
So far...at the halfway point...a solid issue.
A subscription ad kicks off the second half. Still fighting inflation.
IF THE CHARACTERS OF STAR WARS APPEARED IN OTHER MOVIES AND TV SHOWS: Matching Game '77 (amusing), The Walled-Ins (all right), The Wizard of Noz (good for a laugh) and Rockey (not bad). This is exactly what you'd expect if you've read other versions of this. And, it's great to see these characters appear in other things. I wish it was a little less obvious but then it wouldn't be CRACKED. If you loved the characters and couldn't get to the theater again, they're here. And, they're good for a smile.
OK, there is one superb joke. Dark Badar is on Matching Game '77. The question is: "Mary said: Oh Harry, I don't know how to tell you this but I'm going to have a BLANK." Dark Badar's response is "I'm going to have a..." "Medium-sized intergalactic rumination."
IF ALL VIOLENCE WERE ELIMINATED FROM TV: Football players tag each other and form a strong offensive line by eating smelly cheese. Injuns "scalp" cowboys by giving them buzz cuts. Cops throw Boston Cream pies at crooks. It's fun. The art has a lot of verve here and the sound effect "SPROUL!" is used. I like this one.
IT'S A LOT WORSE IN BUFFALO: An article about how cold it is in Buffalo. Apparently, it's pretty cold! Yeah, it does get cold there. During bank robberies, you can't tell who is the crook because everyone has ski masks on! No one can commit suicide because the snow drifts are so high! I miss snow. They gotta knock it off.
I recently transferred my old VHS of a Yule log to DVD-R. The tape was 30 minutes. So, I looped it four times. Two hours of the yule log. Did you see that the Christmas candles are out? Excellent. I can't buy them now because I'll have burnt them down by Thanksgiving. Still...
CRACKED!
THE TALKING BLOB: A parody of The Blob. It's great. I like when they hop back in time like this. Somehow it seems more charming than usual. The Blob ends up eating everybody and is only stopped by the CRACKED printer ending the article. The Fonz doesn't show up like in the Beach party parody. Still...This is a lot of fun.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE WRESTLING KING: We see a lot of chicanery involved in professional wrestling. Atilla the Bun loses in a bout to Nanny's nephew. The pictures are funny and the words are few. This is fun Nanny. Just goofiness. Leave the social commentary to MAD. They do it better and it suits their magazine, which is, frankly, more ponderous. Fun closing article.
SHUT-UPS
1 - 5/5 (A lady with an awesome face)
2 - 5/5 (Quicksand)
3 - 4/5 (A big suitcase)
I feel giving. 5 stars all around. I am Shut-Up.
BACK COVER: Great moments in Auto Racing. The visual is better than the punchline. A confused man in a little car. His car has a chain attached that leads to an enormous cannon. It is about to be fired. He doesn't look happy.
Great issue. I was worried in the beginning because it seemed like we were climbing in a rut. However, this is good stuff. CRACKED firing on full and making us smile. I can't wait to see where we go next.
Next Issue: You-F-O!
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