COWTOWN GAZETTE excerpts
May 2, 1976
Price: How much ya got?
"Controversy Over Paving Route 203 Continues"
Bursting at the seams, city hall was packed last night as nearly 8 people came to argue the pros and cons of paving Route 203. First to speak was Phillip Orkin. "Although my car disappeared in one of 203's potholes last month, I am opposed to the paving. A dirt road is a natural road. Who wants concrete covering all of Cowtown?"
The road in question is nearly 8' long and many claim that it would provide needed industry for the town by creating new jobs for 10% of the population.
"Nearly 6 people would be needed for this massive road work," declared Cowtown's part time Highway Commissioner and Tree Trunk Inspector. "Plus, countless people would stop disappearing each week while crossing the street and slipping into one of the seven 80' deep potholes!"
The meeting rolled along as Mildred Simmons displayed outrage over how high taxes would have to be to pay for the road. 'A tax rise of 1/4 of a cent is too much. That's nine times the rise of last year. This inflation must end!"
Arguments continued for twenty minutes more before Mayor Rotgut had to adjourn the meeting when his wife Hildy yelled to him that supper was ready.
"Mayor Rotgut Retires"
"It's about time," Mrs. Kay Emmerson was heard saying upon hearing the news. "Rotgut's car needed those 4 new tires for years."
Yes, after nearly 4 years, Mayor Rotgut has decided to re-tire his car by buying 4 new radials.
"It was a major decision that needed careful consideration, but the Mrs. and I finally agreed, the time has come."
Bob Steinbaum, owner of Cowtown Tire Inc., which sold the Mayor his tires, said it was a good decision on the Mayor's part!
"After a tire has 102,000 miles on it, it's time to start thinking about new ones."
Also interviewed by the Gazette was Milton Pitfire, cashier of Cowtown Tire Inc.
"The mayor is a very neat man," reported Mr. Pitfire. "He handed me all his bills face up and running the same way."
The Rotguts have saved two years for this event and plan to start using the tires at once.
The tires declined to comment to the press at this time.
"The Daily Cow Jones Average"
Number of cows milked yesterday: 1183
Number of gallons of milk produced: 2408
[Up] 7 from day before
"Gazette's Gourmet Cookbook"
1 glass water
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup
1 cherry pit (optional)
Boil one glass of water in a 2 quart saucepan. Next place the water in a glass. Quickly add 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup and stir. If desired, a cherry pit can be added. This helps to see whether your family is drinking the treat or dumping it out. If they are drinking it, most family members tend to choke on the pit. Serves 1.
Milton Bradshaw was injured when two cows collided at the intersection of South and Maple last night. The 22-year-old man was rushed to Cowtown General where, after the doctor was awakened, he was treated and released.
Tommy John Rogers called police claiming that his Star Trek ring was missing. An intensive search is now underway.
Arthur Levy was arrested and then released last night. When asked what the charges were, police said "None, we were just practicing."
Desk Officer, Sergeant Biff Cunninghams' donut choice with his coffee last night was lemon.
"Letters to the Editor"
We recognize our responsibility to publish letters on the vital issues of the day and will try to print as many letters as space permits. Note: Due to the large amount of mail we receive, we cannot give personal responses.
Bob, would you tell Tilly that she left the light on in your kitchen this morning. Thanks.
Mrs. P. Simons
820 Udder Way
"The Nauseous Nightingale"
Cowtown's #1 restaurant is back in business.
Scrumptious goat gizzards.
All at unbelievable prices!!
Special: Hamburger and 10 french fries only $12.95
Now, isn't that an unbelievable price?
Cowtown's only restaurant is back.
(our regrets to all of our patrons who unexpectedly took part in our unplanned food poisoning gala last month. The board of health has discovered the problem, and from now on, all of our meats will be refrigerated instead of just kept in a bag.)
Publisher: Bob Turner
Editor: Bob Turner
Office Manager: Bob Turner
Secretary: Tilly Turner
Reporting Staff (in alphabetical order): Billy Bleyer
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excerpts from CRACKED MAZAGINE #139
Replicated directly from the text of the magazine