Most of us are disinclined to waste any sympathy on movie monsters. This hard-hearted attitude might be corrected if we had some way of finding out...
WHAT GOES ON IN A MONSTER'S MIND
Monster
Contempt for harassing torch-bearing villagers...13%
Disdain for annoying bloodhounds...7%
Despondency over lack of sex appeal with chicks...50%
Preoccupation with having unsightly head bolts...12%
Penchant for picking up wardrobe at garage sales...8%
Concern over having to take a blood test for marriage license...10%
Mad Doctor
Concern over power blackout occurring during experiment...33%
Anxiety over constant increases in the electric power rate...33%
Annoyance with the rise in number of monster malpractice suits...16%
Dissatisfaction with bumbling assistant...18%
Lab Assistant
Jealousy over monster getting all the attention...25%
Resentment over having to constantly dig up more body parts...23%
Rage over lack of job pension plan & other fringe benefits...52%
Female Monster
Indignation over being given an Afro-hairdo...41%
Curiosity over woman's lib position on female monsters...37%
Impatience with the creepy guy in high-soled shoes who's giving her the eye...22%
King Kong
Infatuation with Fay Wray...19%
Compulsion to climb tall buildings...17%
Worry about where next meal of 10,000 Bananas is going to come from...51%
Puzzlement over why firebirds attack him every time he climbs the Empire State...11%
Guilt over having to leave Queen Kong and Kong Jr. Back in the Congo...2%
Sea Creature
Loathing for water polluters...22%
Annoyance at having to continuously scrape off barnacles...14%
Contempt for skin-diving spear gunners...11%
Fondness for old Esther Williams movies...31%
Apprehension at winding up as the main ingredient in clam chowder...22%
Dracula
Confusion over how daylight saving affects time of sunrise and sunset...11%
Morbid fear of stakes, wolfbane and marriage-happy vampiresses...31%
Disdain for slovenly victims with unwashed necks...8%
Disgust with polyester capes that last only a few years...9%
Anxiety over root canal work that has to be done on Fang...25%
Fear of biting someone with hepatitis...16%
Mummy
Fear of inquisitive archaeologists and grave robbers...31%
Curiosity over whether Blue Cross membership entitles on to fresh bandages...15%
Musings on the riddle of the sphinx...12%
Despondency over winding up in a museum...22%
Anxiety over developing claustrophobia...20%
Werewolf
Confusion over whether to apply for two social security cards...39%
Guilt over listing self as a tax dependent...23%
Concern over identity crisis...38%
Fly Creature
Passion for rancid, smelly garbage cans...24%
Remorse at compulsion to leave specks on ceilings...17%
Yearning for an antidote to D.D.T....31%
Concern over abundance of fly paper...28%
Witch
Grief over the injustices of Salem...39%
Annoyance at broom splinters...18%
Despondency over the approach of 500th birthday...43%
Invisible Man
Preoccupation with peeping tomism...35%
Vexation at being overlooked in the last census...38%
Distress at never being able to catch a waiter's eye...32%
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
Preoccupation with dandruff problems...24%
Concern over premature baldness...17%
Enthusiasm for the rock musical "Hair"...10%
Fondness for TV shampoo commercials...9%
Infatuation with a circus bearded lady...28%
WHAT GOES ON IN A MONSTER'S MIND
Author: Unknown.
Pages 36-38 of CRACKED MAZAGINE Issue #138
Cover Date: December 1976
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