CRACKED #160 - Fly, Smythe, Fly!

CRACKED #160
by Pierre L.

Have a look at that cover! Awesome drawing. The ropes holding Sylvester up are great. But...stop looking there. Look up top. "Super Heroes! Roller Skating! etc..." Now, this is MAD Town. I'm not a fan of this sort of thing. It mars the cover. Severin always does such a great job...Are those blurbs needed? No. Of course not. Sigh. But...let's forget that and hop in.

POSTER: If this spot turns blue, evacuate area immediately. (Can you see where the rest of this poster is going?) Hooray! Pee Yellow backgrounds are back!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Seymour Errs - Here's our pruf rdder. Looks like a decent issue. I think. Let's step to the Lettuce...

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Your M*U*S*H was great!" (Can you guess the editor's response to that one?) Next issue - April 24th

SUPED-UPMAN - THE SATIRE: Seven pages! Almost as long as the movie. So...On the Planet Clipton, Klong and Whetola Gai Pan send their baby Moo Goo to Earth for some reason or other. They are plant people but the baby is Asian. But, he grows up to be a super Nerdlinger named Cluck Clone. He goes to the big city to work in a deli where his boss is an Indian named Running Water. (So, Cluck can call him "Chief".) A super villain named The Shoe hides all of the water in Smellville in a closet. Our hero saves the day and some of it is funny but some of it is just odd in the way that Star Wars II was odd back in #147. Sometimes the Cracked writers seems like they came from the planet Clipton.

CRACKED LOOKS AT RACING: Lots of "going really fast" gags. Lots of "really nice car" gags. Things like driving a mini-race car on the bumper car ride at a carnival. Whistling at a nice chassis. Things like that. I've never been a racing fan and this article hasn't changed my mind. Some great illustrations but a bit of a yawner.

A CRACKED EXPLANATION OF THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE NEW FIRST CLASS, REGULAR AND ECONOMY AIRLINE FARES: It's just what it says. Three pages of pretty funny stuff. First Class - Champagne Regular - Soda: Bubbly or flat? ECONOMY - The Stewardess turns on a house and has everyone open their mouths. Restroom facilities? First Class and Regular share a bathroom but...The panel has a man standing outside the door with a stewardess holding a megaphone. She is asking the regular passenger to exit the lavatory as a First Class customer needs to go. "But, I'm not done, ma'am!" "I'm sorry sir! You know the rules!" And the economy? There's an outhouse...on the wing. This ones pretty good. The landing procedure for Economy is great. The stewardess just lifts the bench everyone is sitting on and dumps them out the door in-flight. Great stuff.

AND YET AGAIN STILL MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: Two pages of quick photo-filled mirth. Going strong...

CRACKED GUIDE TO ROLLER SKATING: Hey! Racing and now Roller Skating? Get out of here! Oh, it's real. Well, this is OK. Better than the racing. Jokes about buying expensive skates and how to turn around on a roller rink. (Hold out your arm and when someone runs into you - spin.) There is a roller derby joke. There are old people skating. There is all this stuff and I used to love having roller skating parties in school so the nostalgia of this article is better than the article. Can't fault it there. Thanks, CRACKED.

THE CLASSIFIED ADS OF THE FUTURE: Aliens and robots! Psychotherapist for Demented Robots - "Must be able to deal with the following robot ailments - Oilcoholism/ Rustophobia/ Overloaded Brain Circuits/ and so forth" Do you know which mouth of a Jovian you stick the thermometer into? You better if you want to be a registered nurse! And, Klinker's Sells Used Rockets. Not bad. At three pages, it's a breeze.

PHOTOON: Not the best of these one-pager photo gags but not bad.

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY: Break Glass! At a barber shop, we have a toupee. At the health food store, we've got junk food. In the Cracked Editorial Office, we've got a book of old jokes. Stuff like that. At two pages, this is a quick scan and a smile.

THE LAYMAN'S GUIDE TO HOT AND COLD WEATHER: Hot on one side. Cold on the other...just like a McDLT. I love the art on this one but the jokes are so old..except the Abominable Snowman doubling as Santa because it's so cold. I feel like I've seen the "Cold" version of this in one issue and the "Hot" in another. Another quick read. This one is drawn with love but joked with less aplomb.

CRACKED PRESENTS SUPERHEROS OF THE FUTURE: Love it! Sideways...tilt! Fun. Five new goofy superheroes for folks to enjoy. They are:

1) Souperman - He's a guy whose body is a can of soup. He fights a giant can opener!

2) The Miraculous Mosquito Man - He looks a lot like Spider-Man except he's a mosquito fighting a giant can of RAID!

3) AUTO MAN! - He's a car. He fights crime. Ricardo Montalban loves him!

4) SUBMARINE MAN! - He's a man with the body of a sandwich! Two Italian peppers dance and sing "I'm a Pepper! You're a Pepper!"

5) THE BULK - Something about burping.

Funny Junk.

ONE AFTERNOON AT A STOP LIGHT - Not a bad one-pager but they've done better.

LYIN' BEAT: All your teen heatrthrobs and some Osmonds load this one up. It's loaded with gags and photos and lies and has a great fourth page...Peter Criss-related? You bet your ass!...This article's fine but it feels a bit too thick and a bit too predictable. The jokes don't really grab me. They've done things like this before (but I don't remember when) and it's been done better. Let's keep on movin' on...

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE I.Q. KING: It's a real smart, snotty kid. Nanny brings her nephew Dickie and he's real stupid. Jokes about how the kid was really smart from the day he was born mix with Dickie's awful puns and Nanny doesn't really do much of anything. I'm not sure why they brought her along. Oh, the kid gropes her on the final page. That must be it.

SHUT-UPS

1 - Rat!
2 - Fat!
3 - Rat-a-tat-tat!

Total: It's Shut-Uperrific!

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Sports - A convict pole vaults over the prison walls. Is this comedy?

Not a bad issue. The hit and miss ratio is pretty solid. A fun read for a cold evening with a mug of cocoa. Oh, extra points for using "Clone!" as an insult, like "Nerd!". Merry Christmas everyone! CRACKED loves you!

Next issue: I don't remember. Something funny, no doubt.

CRACKED #159 - Space! Oh, that place.

CRACKED #159
May 1979
by Pierre L.

Folks, I apologize. It's been so long. I've been reading and I've been loving but I ain't been writing. I'm sorry. I will try to put up a few before the end of the year. Starting here...

Oh boy! Battlestar Galactica! Take it down! Great Cover! It has a real epic feel but Sylvester brings it all right down to the special place, the CRACKED place.

Let's step in...

CRACKED POSTER: "We're Experiencing Technical Difficulties. Do Not Adjust This Poster" And, the words are all wobbly. Nice. And...the background is black! What happened to the Pee Yellow we're so used to?

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Luke N. Cee - pruf rdr" Can there be more love here? Awesome. Looks like a good line up although it's always tough to gauge from here. I think it will be fun...fun...fun.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: March 13th - Next issue! Pretty straight forward lettuce. I'm anxious to hop in to the fun. Let's go...

BATTLETSTAR GARLCTICA: Awesome title! You got it, guys! I always used to wonder about their breath on that ship! Nice! This is a swift 6-pager. With a lot of jokes about how they repeat the premise of the show a lot and how cheap the effects were (but they weren't...which is odd) and how they ripped off so many things. My favorite bit: The main guys crash on an unknown planet and it turns out to be...the Planet of the Apes! When one of the guys thinks this is going a bit far, the other says "When your show has the sets and effects of Star Wars, the plots of Star Trek and the intelligence of Lost in Space, no one's gonna notice one more little steal." He's right. I never liked this show but this parody is fun. Read on!

CRACKED MODERNIZES SONGS OF CHILDHOOD: MAD Ahoy! Oh man...Little illustrations alongside modernized versions of poems dealing with the Olympics, broken down cars, overspending wives, lazy farmers and Lawrence Welk...And more, of course...Here's one:

Ride Our White Ford
("Ride a White Cock to Banbury Cross")

Ride our white ford to Banbury Cross,
To buy jewelry, lipstick and cranberry sauce,
Plus panty hose, and dresses with bows--
My wife can spend money wherever she goes.

Hello, 1959! Oh well. Strong start grinds to a halt. I always thought my own personal "Best of Cracked" might be fun but I think you need everything from each issue to really appreciate CRACKED, even the articles that stink.

A CRACKED LOOK AT INDIRECT MESSAGES: You know...a cop in one panel says "Please step out of the car" but he really wants to draw his gun and say "You look suspicious so get out slow or I'll blast you!" Things like that. The way people are indirect and how CRACKED can simplify things. There's one funny one where a beautiful woman asks a man at a party what he does for a living. The direct method has her asking how much he makes so she'll know if she's wasting her time. This one's OK but I have a tough time getting too excited. Maybe it's warm in here and I'm getting logy.

THE CRACKED BOOK OF GAMES AND PUZZLES THAT ANYONE CAN SOLVE: Best article in this issue. One intro page and four sideways pages of puzzles like: Can you find the dog cleverly hidden in this picture? We see a suburban street and several houses. In between two of houses is an enormous dog. There's a crossword puzzle with three up squares and three down squares. DOWN: "If you followed the letter 'L' with an 'E' and a 'G', you would have the word ___" And, there's a game of Blind Man's Bluff where everyone is blindfolded except the person doing the looking. It's funny stuff and deserved to be the centerpiece of this issue. It almost is.

CLONE ADS OF THE FUTURE: Clone yourself so you can cheat on your wife! Clone yourself so you can work multiple jobs and make big bucks! Use the "Clone Coloring Service!" Clone yourself Ebony Black! "Find what it's like not to have to spend money on suntan oil." I like the art. The gags must have seemed 1,000 years old, even in 1979.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A CRACKED HOSPITAL WHEN: Some pretty funny illustrations but the lead-in lines (above the pictures) are pretty blah. "...the crutches have termites." "...the nurses dress in black." "...the doctor starts doing the Hustle while listening to your heart." "...the scalpel is an old pizza cutter." Actually some of the drawings are really funny. But, the article is...ah...not much.

AND YET STILL MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: Four pages of charming still gags. These are generally fun and this batch is no different.

THE SCUBA DIVER: Pretty funny one-pager. Read and smile, I won't ruin it.

THE CRACKED HANDBOOK OF ACTING: 4 pages of gags about becoming an actor. Being an extra in a Raisin Bran commercial. (3rd Raisin) Practicing all your emotions. Finding an agent who won't rip you off. Stuff like that. Projecting on stage. (That looks like yelling!)A fun article. maybe a little text-heavy but it surfs along.

CRACKED'S ABSURD ALBUM OF MORE APPROPRIATE ACRONYMS: A pager. A bunch of wonderfully goofball acronyms...such as L.A.T.E. - Legion for Airline Travel Efficiency and J.U.N.K.F.O.O.D. - Just Unhealthy Nibbling Keeps Fatties Off Overdue Diets. There is one for Cracked Magazine but it's lengthy. I'll let you hunt it down.

M*U*S*H - Wow. What is this the 3rd or 4th MASH parody? This one features Winchester and a lot of really corny jokes but it's still fun. Almost like a vaguely reoccurring thing now. Some laughs in here. I may go back to the previous appearances and collate everything into a big ball of comedy...with a K!

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON KING - Joe Banal is interviewed. He's asked why the animation in his shows is so bad and why the stories are so boring. But, he just gets defensive and yells at Nanny. I can't condone that, Jack! Banal, quite bein' a peckerhead! Pretty good interview. It really works if you remember how bad most Saturday Morning cartoons where back in the day.

SHUT-UPS
1 - Tattoo
2 - Old Ladies
3 - Bank Robbers
Tattoo Lady Robbers!

Grade - Fun in your pants!

ONE DAY IN THE TROPICS: Back cover. A decent one-pager although the art is a little funky.

A decent issue. Nothing fantastic. Really has the feeling of coasting along, passing time. But, I think, things will pick up soon. (Trust me.)

Next issue: Super Huh?

CRACKED 158: Galangasleeves! If you know what I mean...

#158
March 1979
by Pierre L.

Hey! It's Mork! And, he's saying "Nah-No! Nah-No!" I'm afraid I cannot stop my sides from splitting. Look at the color of that cover! It's that yellow color that all the posters shine in! Is that an attractive color? I would have thought something warmer might grab the eye! Bright sun-yellow must have been a 1979 thing.

"If at first you don't succeed...try something easier!" Yellow is the new funny. Thanks for the poster, Cracked!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Mork it up, Mama! This is going to be great. Let's rush in!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: January 30th - Next issue. Two pages of letters like this: "I don't think you print real letters from readers. I think you make them all up." Hey! That guy's a jerk! You don't talk to CRACKED like that!

MORK & MINDY: So good they didn't even fiddle with the title. If this came out around December 1978, then Mork-mania was at its height. The first season of the show was halfway done and it was in the top five shows. Network fiddling would immediately make the show begin to plummet with the start of the second season. But, for now, the show is the bee's knees. Shickba! On Sunday, I watched an episode that involved Mork racing the Roller Disco Champ of Boulder ("Dueling Skates" from Season Three). I didn't laugh but I did a few times at this CRACKED parody. Way to go, guys! And, is there much about this parody that is actually a parody? It seems to be a straightforward episode of the show. Interesting...So what is it if it's not a parody? I don't know but I smiled so that's worth something.

"I coughnaggled?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Galangasleeves!"

CRACKED'S GUIDE FOR SPOTTING SELF-LOVERS: Two pages of stuff like "You send yourself telegrams on your birthday" and "Your phone doesn't ring--it applauds!" I'm not sure what this is doing here. CRACKED is not known for stellar pacing of it issues but this is so out of place after M&M that I forgot it was here until I reviewed it now.

AND STILL MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: They must have known how lame the last article was after all. Three pages of "gigglers!" There is a still from the 1974 film Deranged in here. Ed Gein and Cracked--A Potent combination!

"The Villain" - Great one-pager with a funny closing panel. Nice...

A CRACKED LOOK AT PHOBIAS: Dr. Ludwig von Ludwig shows us some phobias. Then, he shows us how he cured a woman of allurophobia (cats). This section has a strange panel that I don't quite understand. Normally, there is a joke in every panel, unless it's an obvious set-up. Well, this panel isn't a set-up. Dr. L is showing Mrs. Horsenagel a stuffed cat. "Come one Mrs. Horsenagel...pet Kitty...come on!" "What's her name?" "I just told you-Kitty!" Is that a joke? Is there a joke there? Regardless, it ends with some little known phobias:
Naborphobia - "A fear that Jim Nabors will suddenly appear on your TV screen."
Seedaphobia - "A fear of seeing seeded rye bread."
Those are my favorites.

SPECIAL INTEREST AND DIGEST MAGAZINES: I think that's the way the title's meant to be read. It's a little awkward. Unless...it's not an article from 1979. The art does not look like Severin's drawings from this period. They look like his stuff from the 60's. But, it does mention "Jaws" so I guess I'm wrong. It is humorous. Two pages of fake magazine covers for things like "Toy World" "Shyboy" and "Junk Food Reader's Digest". Worth a read. Why isn't this article listed in the Table of Contents?

CRACKED'S NEW SOON-TO-BE-A-FAD DIETS: Two pages of goofy diets. The Yankee Doodle and Water Diet is a good one. Go in the shower with your clothes on. Put the water on Super Hot. Dance around singing Yankee Doodle. If you get thirsty, drink some water. Do this until you're too tired to eat and need to sleep. They're real silly and fun. The Library and Egg Noodle Diet is another fun one. Make a batch of egg noodles and drain out the water. A friend takes the noodles into the library and hides one noodle each in a page of different books. You run through the library and when you find a noodle you eat it. Good stuff.

CRACKED TAKES A LOOK AT THE BIG CATS OF THE BIG TOP: Two pages of jokes about lions, tigers and lion tamers. And, holy crap, some of them are funny! Have they got new writers in for this issue? My favorite jokes? Thanks for asking. The tiger who lights his cigar on the flaming hoop. The lion who jumps through the hoop. It turns out he's two guys in a lion suit and the bottom half gets left behind. The lion who fights the lion tamer with the whip and the chair. The lion grabs the chair and has a seat.

We are cooking along here.

TESTIMONIAL ADS THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE: Reminds me too much of the magazine shtick from earlier and it's not as funny. Bookies on the phone. Mechanics ripping people off. Stuff like that. Let's move on.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO HORSEBACK RACING: Some funny bits here. I'm looking at it, trying to pick out some great bits but it's stuff like "Buy your horse new shoes". And, you see a horse in sneakers. "Put them in horse shows." We see two horses doing Romeo & Juliet. Stuff like that. You know how it works. I'd really been enjoying the short articles and swift verve of much of this issue. This article would be perfect at two or three pages but four is too typical.

YOUR DENTIST IS YOUR FRIEND: Dr. Gingivae tells us all to go to the dentist. Everything he does is related to teeth (reading Jaws, visiting the home of the man who invented dentures, a dentist chair in his living room) and he smiles a lot. In the end, it turns out...[SPOILER AHEAD]...He hasn't been to the dentist in two years! The punchline isn't great but it's a smiling two-pager.

PHONE SERVICES OF THE FUTURE: "Dial-An-Insult" "Dial-a-Patsy" "Dial-a-Proposal" We read the description and then see it acted out. The man proposing by phone to his girlfriend who is sitting right in front of him. The man holding up the phone to insult his wife. Henny Youngman, CRACKED has your gags! They're storing them in Issue #158! Only two pages, though.

NIC BAD NEWS RAZOR: A very funny one page ad with an actual person in it. It's an ad parodying the new disposable razors that came out around this time. Apparently, they weren't that great. "If you blow into the handle of the New Nic Bad News Disposable Razor, it Whistles!"

LUE GRUNT: Oh well, let's wind down. We're back in normal CRACKED land now. I've never seen Lou Grant so I had a bit of a tough time paying attention. It's all about Lou trying to get a big story. There's a fat lady making pasta that's pretty funny but apart from that it's standard parody. A few smiles and a bunch of groaners. It's not bad. It's just not as funny as the Mork & Mindy article.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE HEALTH NUT KING: Nanny isn't really exposing anything here. She is just hanging out with Mr. Al Phalfa whose entire family is involved in every health fad around. He does try to charge Nanny for a seaweed shake in the end (because they're so busy being healthy that they don't have jobs) but he's not a shyster. They are trying to stay healthy; they're just a bit goofy about it. 8 hours of jogging everyday. They take 47 vitamins a day. They put filters up their noses for fresh breaths. Stuff like that. It's not really that funny because not everyone can have Nanny's figure so I'm slightly confused here. It's not hard hitting journalism. What is it?

SHUT-UPS
1 - A Man
2 - A Mustache
3 - The hope for a better Tomorrow

Total - Sherlock Holmes is in this one!

BACK COVER: Something about a cannibal eating his neighbors. It's fun.

Apart from the slips back into "Regular" cracked style articles, this is a great issue. Filled with all sorts of little bits that are pretty darn charming. Well done, Cracked. Let's keep this up.

Next time: To outer space...again!



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#157 - The Covers are normally so inviting

January 1979
by Pierre L.

Well, the cover is "Heaven Can Wait". There's Warren Beatty. There's Sylvester. I gotta say that I'm really not that thrilled when Cracked covers remind me of Mad. I know they were basically a ripoff but I don't really like Mad. There are things Cracked does that are pure Cracked. That's what I like. When they put popular movies from the time on the cover that folks could really care less about now (or that haven't entered the popular culture), I get tired. Let's see if the insides are more delightful.

POSTER: 1-pager "Due to lack of interest, next week has been indefinitely postponed." I'm not sure where you would hang this. Did 13-year-old boys have their own work cubicles in November 1978? That yellow background really distracts.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: I see Jimmy Carter and a man with a plunger. That's promising.* Imogene E. Uss - Guess what member of the staff that is?

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - December 19 There's a letter here where a guy says he liked their parody of High Noon from a few issues back. He asks if they'll do more. They tell him to flip to page 39. I've always wondered... How long does a letter like this sit around before they use it? "Hey, we're gonna do another Western-type spoof. You still have that letter from that one guy." "Sure. Put it in there. It'll make it seem like we take the reader's requests." "Excellent, Mr. S!"

HEAVEN'LL WAIT: A thoroughly average parody of a tremendously average remake of a decent film. I remember this film being one of the first times I had heard how absolutely great a film was and then, when I finally saw it, I couldn't see what all the fuss was about. I rarely laughed. I was kind of bored. The whole thing was somewhat underwhelming. And I was, like, 10 or 11 years old. Part of me thinks I was too young. Part of me knows I was right: This movie was overrated. I can't draw up much strength to read a parody. It just reminds me of boredom and disappointment. Next!

FAMILY TREE PEDIGREE: Genealogy Bop! It starts at a party where folks joke about their family trees. It then proceeds to in-depth reporting on how people find out about their ancestors. There are jokes about old people getting drafted and families accused of being witches. There's a funny page on different coats-of-arms. The jokes feel old although they aren't really. All right, this is Cracked. This is the Cracked we know and love. I'm not laughing but I'm smiling.

CRACKED EXAMINES TELEPHONE ANSWERING MACHINES: Did you know that the answering machine was invented over 100 hundred years before the telephone? Did you know that people screen their calls through the machines? Did you know...so many wonderful things? This article's all right. It's all about the way folks use their answering machines to make themselves seem more interesting or important. Laughs? One or two. A quick, breezy read.

BRINGING NILE STYLE TO THE POTOMAC: Make everything in Washington D.C. into Egyptian stuff. Jimmy Carter gets a tomb shaped like a giant peanut! Use a system of bartering! It might involve back issues of Cracked! Spend some time under the Tax Shelter Pyramid! All these things and more are ours in this rather half-baked article that never quite takes off! Oh well...

SNAPPY INSULTS TO STUPID STATEMENTS: I'll take one example and you can judge from there:

A guy is yawning and stretching in the foreground. Our "Snappy Insult Man" (I call him Mortimer) is in the background.

Yawner: "I'm not lazy."
Mortimer: "You love work - you could sit and watch it all day."
"The only exercise you get is by watching horror movies and letting your skin crawl."
"You stick your nose outside so the wind can blow it."

This is why CRACKED is the best around, best in town.

THE BOOK-A-MONTH CLUB: Very cool two-pager. It looks exactly like a "Book of the Month Club" ad. "Heidi Gets a Hernia" & "Charo's Guide to Speaking Gooder English" are my favorite titles. It has all the elaborate rules that made people end up buying tons of books they didn't want. This is a good article. Where'd it come from? It's higher quality than the stuff around it (although that stuff has it's charms). Did they rent this out from someone else?

YOU LIKE TO LIVE DANGEROUSLY WHEN: You print an article that looks like it may be a reprint from 1962. One page. Harmless. "...you ask the boss who that ugly broad is in the picture on his desk." "...you practice juggling with your Mother's best china."

STILL MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: It's three pages. It's got some laughs. If you like The Cracked Lens (and what fan of Cracked dislikes it, I wonder?), then this will keep you happy for a while. One of the frames is from "The New Treasure Hunt" game show. I remember that one with fondness and love.

CRACKED'S I'M O.K. Test: Stuff like "Are you reluctant to meet new people?" being asked as a man is shoved into a cell with tough looking characters inside. "Do you ever get the feeling that you're being followed?" is asked as a robber is being chased by a gang of cops. The basic joke layout is obvious. Contradictory drawings and questions. But, the "O.K." angle makes it a little odd. You calculate everything and learn whether or not you're "O.K." I'm a little confused on the whole concept. The article has some nice moments but, like the Nile Style article from earlier, it feels like one person had an idea and someone else finished it. But, the second person didn't quite understand what the first person was getting at.

PHOTOON: These are always fun. A one pager. A joy.

TV CONTRAPTIONS WE'LL SOON BE SEEING:
-Built-In TV Repairman Lie Detector
-Micro-Mini Set (behind your eyelids for sleeping)
-Fan Participation Set (ejects a football when your team scores so you can spike it)
-TV Brain Stimulator (jolts your brain to keep it alive during TV day)
-TV-News-Show Picture reducer (makes the news really small)
-TV Editor Set (edits all objectionable material out of shows)
-Magnetic Set (a magnet attaches to your ass so the TV follows you around)
-Audio Canned Response (adds applause and laughs to politicians speeches)
-Obnoxious Personality Eliminator (blacks out audio and video for people you hate)
-Automatic Distorted Picture Corrector (a big boot that kicks reception back in)
-360 Degrees Screen (Run around The Fonz)
-Video Message Flasher (Better than yelling at your kids)
-Program Standby Device (You stop the show when you have other things to do!)
-Video-Disco Simulator (This may have limited use.)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE MASKED BANDITO: It's got really fun art and it's six pages long. I don't know if I laughed but I enjoyed it. It's Zorro-esque with Tonto included. It's not as great as the Beach Party parody but it's got its charms. Actually, I may be overpraising it. It's a good read but nothing spectacular. There---I may be under praising it. Or, maybe, I don't know what I'm talking about.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE APARTMENT KING: Mr. Len Lease=shady. Nanny=pulling down the shade! Nanny does it. She goes in with her chest out and exposes the chicanery. He has small apartments. He recycles washing machine water from load to load. He is a load. $300 fine for walking on the grass! But, there is nothing but grass! Love it! Sometimes Nanny really makes me smile.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Skunk it!
2 - Choke it!
3 - Rope it!
Total: Brownian Motion

There is an iron-on. "Who's Perfect?" Sylvester has two sets of eyes! I wonder how many boys got beaten senseless with this on their shirt in 1979.

Oh Lord!

BACK COVER:
Happy-Daze Shut-Ups
The Fonz, Potsie, Joanie, Mr. C and Ralph. My my, this is how you end an issue.

No ratings, just awesome.

A decent issue. It has its moments but is missing a bit of that "crack" that I love to see from "Cracked". It is worth it, though, for the Book of the Month club and the back cover. Joy!

Next issue: Now, this is how you do a cover...apart from the background color.

* I wrote it but I don't know if it's meant sarcastically.

CRACKED #156: I think he got confused because the word has two meanings

by Pierre L.
December 1978

Come on, Travolta! Great cover. Sylvester seems to be hurting the stars of Grease on purpose. I've wiped my feet. I'm stepping inside. Join me.

POSTER: "Danger! Radioactivity!" And, on the bottom, "Do not enter. I am listening to the radio!" Not bad. Definitely yellow. Bright, bright yellow.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "GREASE is the word! But Sylvester is taking it too literally!" I still think he looks like he's having fun doing it.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: November 7 - Next issue. Finally, there are two pages here. I'll try to scan them so you can wallow in it.

GREASED!: 7-pages of parodies with various Happy Days characters making cameo appearances. There a whole mess of songs, with my favorite being:

"33 - 33
That's the age of the cast!
33 - 33
Man, our youth is long past!"

A great tune about how no one here is a teenager. The parody moves very methodically through the entire movie. I've seen the movie. Saw it in the theater. It's fun. This parody made me relive it. To be honest, there are other things I would have preferred to relive. Regardless, it's a decent parody to start us off...

FUN CITY OLYMPICS: "Why New York [City] lost the 1984 Summer Olympics" It could have had something to do with the new events they proposed. 1) 100-Meter Mugging 2) Short Person's Jousting 3)Team Looting 4) Two-Mile Run Escape 5) Fencing (You guessed it) 6) Pedestrian bowling. People get hurt. Monsters show up in Central Park. It's all great. So, what exactly was the reason why Los Angeles won the 1984 Summer Olympics? I have a feeling that might be funnier than this.

PHOTOON: This is a great photo-panel one-page gag. It's actually rather complex. What magazine is this? Oh, still CRACKED. Hmm...Where'd this come from?

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO SAILING: Oh yeah, this is CRACKED all right. Problems with wind and sharks and alligators. Sailing around but not accomplishing much. A panel says "...you might want to race your boat." Yes, a man is shown racing a boat. The final panel is a man in an above-ground swimming pool in his sailboat. Matter-of-fact captions followed by goofy drawings. This one isn't doing much for me. I don't know why. Pretty average.

IFFY U.F.O. INFO: A great magazine on U.F.O. culture. There's some real verve here. A great article on how to take photos of things like Frisbees and crop the photo to make it look like a U.F.O. There are ads for official looking badges that you can show aliens when they land. We have "Eyewitness reports" from farmers, hippies and dogs. Stuff like that. Quite charming.

This issue is really mixing up the fun with the blah. There is a CRACKED formula in here somewhere. I will weed it out.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF APPLIANCES: MAD! Check Issue #57! There's going to be a 4-page hole in the center of it. I know where those four pages went. This article is four pages of old jokes about kids playing in refrigerator boxes and wives buying freezers and lots of meat and then going out to eat because everything is frozen. It's nostalgic fun now but would I have thought that when I was 8 or 9 and first reading this? Strangeness.

CRACKED PRODUCTS FOR EVERYDAY USE: Strange products with a touch of CRACKED. "Smoke Away". When you light up, point Smoke Away at your face. It sprays you with water. "Doggy Plasti-Coat" It covers your dog in plastic so it can't get dirty. "ICE-O-BERG" A giant iceberg and a giant ice pick for your evening drink. Stuff like that. it's two pages long and I can't quite figure out the point but it's OK.

ONE AFTERNOON IN THE PARK: An old man feeds pigeons in this one-pager. I liked it.

MORE OF THE CRACKED LENS: Two pages of photos with funny inside! Good stuff. I always enjoy these.

POPULAR SONGS FOR EVERYDAY WORKING PEOPLE: Mad! Come back! There's more. Chemists, babysitters, teachers, chimney sweeps (?) and others get songs about them. The Taxman has one set to "I've Been Working on The Railroad". Never liked these sorts of articles. They are two word-heavy and in order for them to work you have to sing the lyrics. And, the lyrics are all pretty inane. It's too much work for too little comedy reward. And, there's always a song I don't know in here.

THREE'S CRUMMIER: It rightfully points out that Three's Company has a lot of shtick and innuendo in it. Rockford and Hugh Hefner show up for some reason. And, it goes along touching upon all the cliches of the show. You know, I've said this before, I've read it but I can no longer remember it. I think it goes on a bit too long. And, it borders on MAD-overcrowding. Too many people saying too many things in each panel. Not bad but nothing spectacular.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE PSYCHIC KING: The psychic king is actually a woman who looks a lot like Nanny. She seems to be a fake at first. But, then, she looks like a real psychic. The two of them stroll around town and do psychic stuff like finding missing persons. This issue is real MAD-like. Too mad like. It's dragging the issue down.

I'm swimming in a thick stew of CRACKED and I don't like it. Let's get back on track, guys.

SHUT-UPS
1 - Joy
2 - Fear
3 - Magic!

Total - Aren't the Shut-Ups great?

BACK COVER: LANDING ON MARS - A funny one-page no-dialog comic finishes the issue.

This one is not a favorite of mine. There are some great bits: Photoon and the U.F.O. thing. But, much of it is endless. I'm slogging through this one and I wish it was lighter and airy and funnier. What's next? I've forgotten. But, I do think it will be something better.

Next issue: I don't remember!

CRACKED #155: Throw 'Em All In The Water

CRACKED #155
by Pierre L.
November 1978


Yes, the Fonz is there. All your other favorites are, too. It's odd that The Godfather is still there as Part 2 came out four years previous. Sylvester is pointing at a shark as he hangs from a 'C'. And, the oddest part, Steve Martin is popping out of the water near the back. Huh? He's not in this issue. As far as I know, he isn't in any issue in the near future. What's he doing here? Apart from folks loving The Jerk very much. He was probably thrown in at the last minute. It's a little odd.

POSTER: Warning: This room protected by R.A.I.D.* Security Systems. Yellow is back!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: I see a vampire Bob Hope!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - September 26th. Only one page...again.

THE GREATEST SEQUEL EVER MADE: Everybody from the movies is in this. It's about a baseball game and Rocky is in it and the Godfather and Jaws and the Talking Blob and aliens and everyone. It's pretty much the Ultimate Big Pile article. Everybody's in it and everybody's doing their thing and it's fun. The cover matches the lead article. A lot of talk about sequels and how they manipulate folks and things like that. It's a great opener.

THE CRACKED INVESTIGATION OF THE UFO PHENOMENON: A series of gags about people seeing "UFO" 's, strange accidents and other odd things. All of them are fake. It's just dumb people. My favorite is the scientist pointing at the strange shaped skull unlike anything human. (It's a jack-o-lantern.) There is an "illegal alien" joke. It's pretty sophisticated, for CRACKED. Another good article.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF SUMMER: Well, they can't all be smart. A series of comic strip gags. The best one is a kid flying through a window on a wave when the pool breaks. Oddly enough, there is a two-page spread in here (set at a BBQ) but it's not the middle of the issue. Hmmm...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A TACKY BANK WHEN:
...the bank guard's gun leaks water!
...the bank's armored car doubles as a fresh fruit stand!
...the bank can't break a twenty!

Stuff like that. It's OK. A real breezer...

CRACKED PUTS THE BITE ON DRACULA: There's Bob Hope! And, he is a vampire. There is a sitcom called ALL IN THE BELFRY. There are fake albums for Deathrow Tull and Linda Ronstdead. Thirsty vampires chase down fat ladies. (Do they have more blood?) There's a vampire craze! Enjoy! This is a pretty good one. Again, as obvious as a green pea, but there are some smiles here.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A BACKYARD BARBECUE: Huh? Didn't they just do this a few pages back? What is this about? More of the same. Maybe there are some repeat jokes in here, I don't know.

Bill Sproul H.S. Class of '42 is written on the shirt of one man. Actually, he's in the earlier one but...

WHEN VERMIN FIGHT BACK: Bugs and things getting smart and surviving against man. But, I'm pretty sure they do that anyway. I don't know. This one is kind of blah. An occasional moment of "Not Bad" but generally blah. Move on...

The Cracked Bookstore: No delivery!

WHEN UFO'S EVER DO LAND: They land and humans show them stuff like war and prostitutes and zoos and things like that. This one should have a big stamp across it marked "SATIRE". It is more obvious than some other very obvious articles in this issue. At three pages, it is OK.

A MODERN PARENT VS. A TRADITIONAL PARENT: Modern on left. Traditional on right. Food, pets, dress, religion, money, medicine...it goes on and on. Modern parents are wishy-washy and allow their kids too much leeway. Traditional parents were stronger but oh-so-dull. This goes on for four pages. Why? I don't know.

A DOG'S DAY AFTERNOON: Funny one pager. Again, smarter than the rest of the issue.

FUNNIEST ISLAND: Winding down. A parody then Nanny. Today, I'm a little bored with this format. Some folks show up and want their fantasies lived out. It doesn't go completely right. But, it does go on for six pages. A little guy wants to box. A feminist wants to be Robin Hood. It goes on and then it ends and Nanny is on the next page.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GARBAGE KING: He makes million off of garbage and he's a jerk! A strange moment in this one that made me less interested: The King turns over a garbage can and says you can learn a lot from garbage. He's sifting through and talking about the guy. Then, he says the garbage creator is a big guy who doesn't like people looking through his garbage. "How do you know?" "He's behind you." In the next panel, Nanny has been beaten up by the guy. The King is fine. Gosh, what a prick. I'm not so thrilled with this one.

SHUT-UPS
1 - Nice
2 - Nicer
3 - Marvin

Total - Yes, this is nice! The Great American novel will be 2/3rds Shut-Ups.

BACK COVER: Some junk about a guy chasing a lion.

The issue starts off great but gradually levels out with obvious articles and mean-spirited nonsense. I don't like it when the issues go south like this. Oh well. What's next?

NEXT ISSUE: I've forgotten.

*I've forgotten this, too.

CRAKED #154: Look who's back!

CRACKED #154
October 1978
by Pierre L.

Welcome back, Jaws! Or Jawz! Sylvester will get eaten but he will return.

A one-page poster. "Do Not Remove This Screw" with joke. The background here is blue. Where'd the yellow go, I wonder? The back inside cover is, you got it, an iron on.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: I see Darth Vader.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - August 15th. Still one page. Inflation continues to rob them of a page full of letters.

JAWS TOO!: (Not Jaws too!) It follows the plot of the movie. And, the joke's are all right. They beef this one up with all sorts of great cameos. Throughout the article, various stars pop up. Sylvester Stallone, George Kennedy, Marlon Brando, Farrah Fawcett, W.C. Fields and others. It adds a bit of extra verve and really makes this opening article fun. Possibly more fun than the movie.

COMBINATION SPORTS OF THE FUTURE: Basketbrawl, Pocket Golf, Footbowl, The Indianapolis 500 Roller Derby, Bull throwing, Glidenastics...All combo sports. Some pretty entertaining drawings and the sports are decently thought out. A nice article. So far we've paced ourselves real nice.

CLONING: THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES: If anyone has ever read Calvin and Hobbes, you've read stories where Calvin clones himself. That's funnier. This is stuff like one cloned woman goes to work while the other stays home and cooks and cleans. A disadvantage is that no one can tell the difference between people in a police line-up. Things like that. It goes along...I had no idea that clones were such a big thing in 1978 that CRACKED did an article on it. Odd.

THE CRACKED LENS: Welcome, officially, one of CRACKEDs best continuing articles! The titles will get longer and longer. A Collector's Edition or two will appear. They will repeat some "accidentally". But, here is the first one. It's two pages and it's smooth as VSOP brandy.

WHEN BUSINESSES START GOING AFTER THE OVER-65 MARKET: Retired Playboy! Senior Skateboard Parks! Comic books for Super Codger and Starchie. Updated Peanuts strips for oldies. T-Shirts! Toiletries! Amusement parks! It's all here and it's all for olds! (That's plural for "old people".) A decent article. The comic stuff is the best. The rest is OK.

The issue is fudging along decently. It's a smiling read. Not one to jump up and down about but a decent, solid issue. so far.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF TRAVEL: This is the same set-up as the last two issues. Four page article with a mini-CRACKED LOOKS in the center. Some decent gags and, in fact, the best part is the (almost) two page spread. I'm in a good mood and this article is spreading along nicely.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SKATEBOARD FREAK WHEN...: You know the style of article. A little caption and a drawing matching up. The new wheels are here and everybody is skateboarding. Your girl sits in the back seat and the board is in front. You stare nostalgically at an old iron-wheel board. Junk like that. Two pages...breeze.

ODD JOBS FOR STAR WARS STARS: What can the characters do during the downtime between sequels? "Recently, the director of Star Wars announced that he was producing at least 10 sequels..." Wow! That went terribly wrong. Chewbacca- Demonstrating Hair Styles is the best one. A very fluffy Chewbacca with a hair dryer is an alternately funny and disturbing image.

Darth Vader -Butcher, barber & tailor
R2D2 - Jukebox, Garbage Disposal & Parking Meter
C3PO -Iron Horse Baseball Umpire, Pro Football Star & Mailman
Chewbacca - Doing Shaving Cream, Commercials, Nightclub bouncer & see above.
Han Solo - Taxi Cab Driver
Obi-Wan Kenobi - Santa Claus
Luke Skywalker - Professional boxer
Han Solo & Chwebacca - Truck Drivers
There's another but I'll leave that for you to find.

Fun.

TYME: A Time magazine parody. Lots of text-heavy articles. Some funny headlines and photos. This one is five pages and is, frankly, too long. It starts off fun but all the text drags it down and by the end I found myself skimming. Although, I didn't really mean to. Maybe someone with more attention span would love it to pieces.

FAMILY'S FEUD: The Dull and the Trill Family meet up with Itchard Doorson in a parody of the well-known game show. There are some good laughs here but a lot of it does that strange CRACKED thing...They seem to know exactly what to parody but they don't know how. They get the fact that some of these family's are really dull but all the jokes about them are pure 5-year-old level. A little more "Oomph!" would really make something like this great. As it is, it's a couple of smiles and carry on...

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE PUBLICITY KING: Nanny! Big boobs! Mr. Irving Hype! This one is no world-beater but it flows along OK. Mr. Hype is a bit of a jerk. He'll hype anything. The crappier, the better. Oh well. I think we've come to expect the issues to coast to an end like this.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Snakes
2 - Mobsters
3 - Italian Stereotypes

Total - Snobsterian Stereotypes

IRON-ON: The jaw of a shark. SMILE! You're on CANDID SHARK!

It's fun.

Right?

BACK COVER: Od and Nod Ooglog invent the cannon. There is an elephant with a spear in its trunk and a caveman with a big paddle. You can take it from there.

Not a bad issue at all. CRACKED makes me smile. This is a good smiler. Not a classic but solid workable CRACKED.

Next issue: Everyone back in the water!

Cracked #153: The Glory of Fonzarelli Rains Down!

Cracked #154
by Pierre L
September 1978


There is the cover and it is beautiful. I'm looking at the actual magazine itself right now and I am smiling. Thank you, Cracked. You nailed this one and, yes, you nailed me.

POSTER: SOS (Save Our Sharks) Jaws has returned and pop culture is going fishy again. Regardless, the yellow background remains.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: From now on, I'm skipping the proof reader thing. If a really good one comes up, I'll tell you. "Could this be FONZIE cloning around again, or has earth been invaded by the coolest aliens of all?"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: One page. Swift kick. July 11th - Next Ish.

THE HAPPY DAZES' CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND: There is no plot. There is just greatness. All the guys go out to Inspirational Point to make out with ladies. The Fonz is there. A UFO lands and it is filled with tiny Fonzies. All cloned from the Fonz. The planet is called Ultra Kool. All women are tiny and cute. All men, except one, are tiny and Fonz. The Great Exalted Gumba looks like Potsey. Oh no!

This article is wonderful. I need to assemble a regular issue binder of CRACKED Fonz appearances. I must!

There are so many great moments here but the description of Ultra Kool populated with Fonzies is the best. There are mirrors everywhere. Pinballs and combs become the natural industry. And, only four articles of men's clothing are sold. Jeans, white T-shirts, leather jackets and boots. The Fonz does not wear underpants.

When the women came to Earth to pick someone to clone, their other choices were:
Richard Nixon
Abe Vigoda
Robert Redford
Telly Savalas
Peter Graves
Paul Newman
Billy Carter
John Wayne
John Travolta
...

Best article, possibly, ever.

IF THE "FAMILY HOUR" EXTENDED INTO OUR EVERYDAY LIVES: It's what you'd expect but at two pages it doesn't disappoint. Everyone is cool. Everyone has superpowers. Leonard Nimoy is sent in search of lost children. Stuff like that. It's a breeze article. It speeds you towards the next one.

BROTHER BILLY AS PREZ: Billy Carter has Billy Beer and a big gut. What Jimmy did wrong is on the left side. The way Billy will improve it is on the right. You know...Jimmy failed to solve our fuel crisis. Billy will show the nation how to get well oiled! We see Billy on TV with a can of Billy Beer saying "Never drink Billy beer while drivin'...you may spill some of it!" Leave it to MAD, guys. Luckily, it's only three pages and it's not text-heavy. And, the Billy panels are pretty good. I'm hoping we climb back on track, though.

INCURABLY CRACKED: A warm-up for The CRACKED Lens. Three pages of stills from movies with word balloon gags. Kind of tough to describe in a review. This is no more funny or less funny than future installments of The C.L.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO FISHING: This one is much more free form than previous Guides. There's a poem and not all the pictures have captions. There are no new jokes here but the drawings are funny. This is a good guide. If I had to make a "Best of Guides" issue, this would be in there.

A CRACKED LOOK AT HOUSE PETS: Same as the STATE PEN LOOK from the previous issue. Four pages. A mix of multiple panels and single panels and panorama panel gags. The third and fourth pages have a mini-LOOK AT section. Still no new jokes. There are more writers than ever on this issue but what are they writing?

THE CRACKED HISTORY OF HUMOR: This one basically proceeds through history. Each panel has a year and an old joke in it. 1843 - Hotel. "You've got to make your own bed." "OK." "Here's a hammer and saw..." That kind of thing. They have taken the "no new jokes" mandate and twisted it onto its side. 2/15/1906 - An elevator operator says "What did one elevator say to the other?" A lady responds with "I think I'm coming down with something." You know what, it's old as a very old guy but I'm enjoying it.

April 4, 1957 - CRACKED is born

SAGEBRUSH: A good one. I guess he's back.

THE CRACKED ALMANAC: "A collection of hundreds of useless, incorrect facts in easy reference form." Funny. A series of lies stated as fact in almanac format. Good stuff.

Here a few I like:

If you mix 3 pounds of mud with 5 quarts of milk -
You will have wasted 5 quarts of perfectly good milk for nothing!

5 Numbers Seldom Used by Hungarians -
72 67 112 Plaza 2-7000 1,763,158,204,706

The word BORING becomes a totally different word when spelled backwards:
GNIROB meaning "bird repairman"

They also list the rules of Crowbar Ball. Email me for details.

Great article.

THE STARRY-EYED ASTRONOMER: Great one-pager. Old joke, good presentation.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH: I never liked Eight is Enough. I found it kind of depressing. But, all the clutter of all the people makes for a pretty amusing parody. The kids have dumb "problems". Mom gets lots of food delivered every day. And, no one is sure what Dad does for a living. This is a decent parody. If you're a fan, this one might be kick-arse.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE ROCK 'N' ROLL KING: Nanny! I like this one. Rock concert jokes. They get bad seats but that's because "they have connections". Gene Simmons is at a B-B-Q to light the grill! Dicky Deadbeat is not very smart but he's a star. (Dicky Deadbeat - Only Beatniks are allowed into CRACKED, circa 1978!) In the end, Nanny decides she wants to be a rock star. Go for it, Nanny!

SHUT-UPS

1-Run
2-Sweat
3-Bald

Total - Forever Young

BACK COVER - The first vet gets eaten by a tiger. Drollery, thy name is CRACKED!

It's a good issue. Not a great one but solid, fun CRACKED. The Happy Daze article and the cover put it in the Classic Pantheon. I wish the rest was as good but...what can you do? Read and enjoy.

One thing: On the cover, why does Ralph Malph's jacket say "Potsy" on the back? Why is Ralph wearing Potsy's jacket at Inspirational Point? The mind boggles.

Next issue: Bruce is Back!

Cracked #152: Doesn't this look like fun?

CRACKED# 152
August 1978
by Pierre L

Just a note: On the table of contents page, it says "May 1978". This would have been the month when the magazine hit newsstands. Typos can be fun.

Now, that is a fun cover. There is only one way to top a cover like that...yes, it will be the cover of the next issue. But, for now, enjoy this one. It's just fun to look at. "Star Wars has a Close Encounter" is exactly what you're going to get.

POSTER: "This Poster is Condemned" A meta-poster from CRACKED. Yes, it does have a yellow background. How'd you know?

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Chuck Spellin' is this month's prufef Rdrr.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: One page. It contains this letter from Tony Allen of Seattle, WA: "Dear CRACKED, I didn't see the need for that article A CRACKED LOOK AT OLD JOKES. Isn't that what the other 48 pages do every month?" Amen, brother.

Inflation ad - Still there.

A CLOSE ENCOUNTER WITH THE STAR WARZ GANG: This story takes place immediately after the end of Close Encounters. Royboy Neery gets on the UFO and finds the Star Warz gang there. Together, they go on a mission to stop Dark Badar from kidnapping people from all around the galaxy. He's dastardly! But, it's fun. The princess is kidnapped again. The gang has to get past the Knock-Knock Monster. They do this by killing him with bad jokes. They hide in a giant candygram dressed as chocolates. And, they find the kidnapped people and...they are all pop culture figures from the 70's. Is the Fonz there? Hell, yeah. And, Dark Badar calls him a "Nerd!" 1,000 smiles. In the end, Badar loses again and we see the Princess in a leather jacket yelling "AAAAAAY!" Wonderful. A great opener.

So, we have...

Star Warz
Star Warz II
The Six Million Dollar Man v.s. Dark Badar
and this one...

Awesome.

CRACKED'S METHOD FOR DEALING WITH TRAVELING SALESMAN: A man named Gumm teaches us how to deal with traveling salesman. You know, I'm not drunk right now but I'm getting buzzed off of CRACKED. This article is no better than any other one like this. The jokes are obvious with illustrations that bring a smile. Possibly it's the fact that "show don't tell" is a good rule for comedy but CRACKED (and MAD) always shows and tells that makes it a bit of a blah read sometimes but today I'm enjoying this. The man dressed as a baby. The saleswoman straddling the guy to stop him from running away from a refrigerator sale. The ways to deal with telemarketers. And the closing joke as a hand turns the page while Gumm tries to sell as his book. I loved it. Four pages of fun.

CRACKED'S INQUIRING PHOTOGRAPHERS VISITS THE STARS: So very odd. Promotional photos of Alan Alda, Henry Winkler, Telly Savalas, Farrah Fawcett and every other star circa-1978. And, they all have little captions and word balloons. It's all so hysterically lame I can't stop laughing. Example: What's the one thing in life you regret most? The Fonz says, "Never having Hamburger Helper as a child." What? What does that have to do with anything? The Alan Alda one is a Hawkeye-style one-liner but many of the others are big "Huh?"'s. What's your secret for looking so young? Potsie: "I made sure I was born much later than everyone else." Come again?

Loved it!

CRACKED VISITS THE "PROVERBS AND FAMILIAR SAYINGS" MUSEUM: Fun at three pages. A crowd is led through the museum by Carl Cliche. They see the straw that broke the camel's back and watch a man watch a pot that never boils. They examine a patch of grass from both sides. Things like that. At the end, Carl asks for money. Huh? Gumm?

Oddly enough, after last issue's Handufactured Products, this one feels like a repeat. I can't prove it but the art looks different. The crowd is made up of folks from the mid-60's. (The women's dresses give it away.) And, an article like this would be four or five pages if it were new. This one is far more concise than they usually are. Again, it's just a feeling. I can't vouch.

SAGEBRUSH: Sagebrush? Have they done a Sagebrush comic in the past three years? Maybe this was the page after the previous article in the original issue and they just reprinted all four pages? It's not a bad strip, though.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A STATE PEN: Hmmm...This looks like one of those multiple comic strips spread across the pages types of article at first. But, there are only a few of those here. The top is a series of one-panel gags about visiting hours. The bottom is a series of gags in individual cells. Then, you turn the page. And...there is a mini-spread in the center. The Penitentiary courtyard. Bad jokes everywhere. Why would you take an article that wasn't that great to begin with and expand it to four pages? I don't know. The only really good gag is the last one. Two guys being let out after twenty years. The jail provides new clothes. The final panel is one of them in a rabbit suit and the other dressed as a schoolboy circa-Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Well, they can't all be good. You've got to expect things like this.

SUPERHERO ADS: Lady Lib, Silver Cyclone, Major Dynamo and Friends are now advertising their services. Power your city block with the cycling power of Major Dynamo. Silver Cyclone can wreck buildings and clear areas quickly. It's for fun. At two pages, it breezes by. (This isn't an old one, is it?)

THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE: Buy stuff!

HONESTY ON THE TUBE: News programs with the regular announcer and a Resident Truth Sayer next to him. Stuff like: "No cause for the blaze has been determined." The Truth Sayer replies with "Maybe not, but the building owner, Al Gerb, was seen walking away, holding his monogrammed lighter and singing 'There'll be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight'." It's not bad just not very sharp. However, it's only two pages. Huh? Was this some sort of clearinghouse issue for old articles they never expanded to full term? Maybe? I don't know.

ISN'T IT ROTTEN IN SCHOOL WHEN: Not a fan of these. A picture with a "..." caption underneath. "...you raise your hand courteously, keep it up for long minutes, and someone shouts out the answer anyway!" Why is this one three pages? It's OK. A quick read. Maybe you've guessed the last one. If not, skim down to the bottom of the article.*

ONE MORNING ON JOHN SEVERIN'S DRAWING BOARD: A two-pager. Pretty fun. What's with all the breezy quick articles in this issue? I love it.

ONE EVENING IN THE MCDUFFY HOUSE: Another one-pager. Not as good as the previous Article but...It's fine.

HIGH NOONISH: One of their "classic" parodies. Not a repeat, however. This one begins as a High Noon parody and then morphs into another attack from...The Talking Blob! (He first appeared in #149.) Fun stuff. Every time an oldie pops up like this I guess we can expect the Blob. I enjoyed this. The twist halfway through keeps it interesting. An enjoyable parody.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SKATEBOARD KING: Somehow this one seemed a lot easier to read than the previous issues interviews. Yes, Nanny is here. Yes, the skateboard king is a crook and a rip-off artist. But, the article chuffs along with a smile or two. I've got good spirits from this issue. This bit doesn't bring it down.

SHUT-UPS:

1 - Goofy Guy
2 - Firing Squad (Ooooh! That Smarted! is written on the wall.)
3 - Quicksand

Total: Bravo! I smiled and laughed and shut the hell up.

BACK COVER: Something about head shrinking. Not a great one. Oh well.

I enjoyed this issue very much. The opening article really kicked arse and sent us flying. My good-will-o-meter was at a high here. All the brief articles really chilled my berries. (in a good way) This is a fun issue. I wish they'd do more like it.

NEXT ISSUE: Best cover ever?


* "...after 16 years of education, in your very last class you realize that school will be over and your troubles will really begin." Amen, everybody.

Addendum to issue #151

TV GUISE listings (selected)

Saturday
7:30 - Bionic Lady
Locked in a raisin factory, Jamey (Lindsey Wagger) uses her bionic powers to break out in order to save a teen-age boy from a stack of deadly buckwheat pancakes.

Miss Teenage American Pageant
Special: Hosts mason Reiss and Mel Brooks guide viewers through this live telecast of the 18th annual pageant. The contestants are judged on appearance, personality and breath. The girls also perform in a production number and try to step on Mason Reiss for the sake of humanity. (90 long minutes)

9:30 - Love Ship
To the delight of millions, the love ship is eaten by an underwater creature.

Sunday
2:00PM - Movie-Comedy
GIDGET GETS A HERNIA (1963)

Wonderful World of Dizzy
Two brothers disguise themselves as an otter in order to win 1st prize at a dog show.

Monday
7:00AM - Hi There America
David Hartman yawns for 20 minutes and then interviews the author of "I WAS GERALD FORD'S PAPER BOY".

9:30AM - The Moppets
Kermit and the rest of the gang welcome 3 great puppets of the past: Howdy Doody, Lamb Chop and Spiro Agnew.

Tuesday
10:00AM - I Love Loosey
Loosey surprises Rickety by locking one of his show girls in the closet and taking her place - or was that yesterday's episode?

9:30PM - One Date at A Time
Anne accepts a date with a man who is only happy when dressed like a bowling pin.

There are more but these truck me after a first read. I can list more if needed.

Copyright 1978 CRACKED Magazine.

CRACKED #151: I See Angels

CRACKED #151
July 1978
by Pierre L

It's a fun cover. Charlie's Angels was never a show I watched. And, in fact, I caught half of an episode recently and it has that 70's hour long drama "pretty bad" feel to it. I saw thirty minutes and thought it was repetitive even though I had nothing to compare it to. Regardless, Sylvester is great here and there's enough entertaining stuff going on to reel you in.

POSTER: Correct Time! It's a picture of a clock at 7:21. And, it's the old favorite "this clock is right twice a day" thing. And, it's got a yellow background. Why? What exactly is the purpose of that yellow background? Why not a lovely baby blue? Why not a dark violet? Pee yellow? Was this a 70's thing? Did pee turn yellow in the 1970's and this color was a novelty? Did people pee green before? What am I talking about?

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. Cee, pruf rrddrr The best? Maybe. Standard TOC. Let's fly to the Lettuce.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: One page again. That inflation ad is cutting into our letters. Apparently, there is going to be an Australian edition. Hmmm...I should check that out. "Next issue - April 25th"

CHURLIE'S ANGELS: The gals are called out to protect three tennis players at the Purena Goat Chow Invitational. There's excitement, intrigue, sexiness and jokes your grandfather would have buired out back. As I mentioned, I'm not a fan of the show but this is an OK starter. Almost any show could have been inserted into here. It's kind of generic but... There is one good joke. Two of the Angels are having a secret discussion in the country club restaurant. They are trying not to be seen. In the next panel, they are speaking in a darkened place. They mention not wanting anyone to become suspicious. The next panel reveals that they are under a table and all the patrons are pointing and staring. Not bad.

HOW TO EAT BETTER FOR LESS MONEY: A guide to keeping cows in your basement. And, stealing free samples from the supermarket. And, buying Octopus Malted in bulk. And, dressing up as a lady fish to attract men fish. And, getting arrested for killing a bald eagle. It's a breeze article. I forgot it right after I read it but the image of the old lady fainting into a display upon seeing prices going up is funny. A nice article.

The issue hasn't started with a bang. But, a light, refreshing breeze.

TV GUISE: A very elaborate TV guide parody. All sorts of new shows are listed including "Moskowitz and Chang". They're detectives and they are, apparently, awesome. Some very funny stuff here. In fact, the elaborate listings of the TV schedule make this seem more like a National Lampoon article or something. I'll add a small addendum with my favorite show listings. Suffice it to say, this one is good stuff.

IF OTHER ACTORS PLAYED THE PARTS MADE FAMOUS BY SOMEONE ELSE:
Lassie as Jaws
Woody Allen as James Bond
R2D2 as the Fonz
These get better as they go. Lassie as jaws is a bit on the obvious side. Woody Allen as James Bond isn't funny but the caricature of Woody is amusing. R2D2 as The Fonz is, possibly, the best ever. Richie, Ralph and Potsie talking to a robot in a leather jacket who just goes "Beep" is great. I miss The Fonz.

A CRACKED LOOK AT OLD JOKES: The setting is a restaurant/ club. And, it a "CRACKED LOOK..." that prides itself on being nothing but bad jokes about flies in soup and the like. Can you see the irony in this? "I don't know. But, it's crawling up your arm." is included. Something strangely perverse about this one. Meta-CRACKED. I wonder if this means that this is the last one of these. (As far as this type of gag feature can go.)

THE CRACKED WORLD OF FOOD: MAD, welcome to this issue. Where do these come from? I always thought MAD cornered the market on these comic strip-style things. Of course, CRACKED'S are less political and less satirical. A CRACKED article about food in this style is definitely going to feature a bunch of fat people. And, this will not let you down. There are also health food gags and a decent sight gag or two ("All little Gilbert eats is junk!" and it's true). There's a buffet gag and...all kinds of wonderful magic. Fun? Sure. Groundbreaking? No. CRACKED? Yes.

CRACKED'S DETECTIVE HANDBOOK: Another text heavy one. Awesome. The illustrations are funny. The gags are decent. This one makes me feel warm inside. There are moments when CRACKED doesn't make you laugh but it makes you feel nice. It makes you smile and enjoy life. We are in a run of these articles now.

From a slow start, we enter the final third coasting along through clouds. Nice.

HANDUFACTURED PRODUCTS: Paper Cups, Cigarettes, Pies, Peanut Butter and Records. All drawings of folks mashing peanuts by hand and carving grooves on vinyl. It's fun. At the very top, there is a great drawing of the Frankenstein monster waving. It's a fun article...and if it is from earlier than 1965, I'd be surprised. From the art to the strange subject matter (in an issue so heavy on mentioning inflation, there is an article on expensive handmade products?), this is clearly a repeat. And, it's fun as hell.

IF FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER DID GUEST APPEARANCES ON T.V.: This must be why the last article is there. We briefly see Frankie there and this is all about him.
The Walled-Ins - He is a rather creepy scarecrow.
The Six Billion Dollar Man - He is Stebe Austin's Dad.
Laverne and Shirley - Frankie is dating Shirl. No problem from muggers.
Good Tymes - He eats Delma's cooking.
Happy Daze - The final panel is a repeat of the final panel in the similar King Kong article. And, it is so cool.
This article is awesome.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE AIRLINE KING: Let's come back down to earth. Nanny interviews Mr. Freddie Faker who is kind of a jerk. Lots of cheap flight gags and stuff like that. Luckily, this one has really great art with all sorts of entertaining caricatures and such around the interview. I'm still getting tired of this feature at the end of each issue but this one is not bad.

SHUT-UPS

1 - 2/5
2 - 4/4
3 - 5/8

All for laughs and all for nice.

Final Score - Brown

BACK COVER: Great moments in Horsemanship - Lars the Inept invents Spurs. We need a little breather at the end, I guess.

This issue is about as fun as it gets without actually having a lot of laugh out loud moments. I enjoyed it quite a bit. If this isn't the Golden Age of CRACKED, then it's a very solid Silver. I can't wait to see what's next.

NEXT ISSUE: Let's mix and match some more.

CRACKED #150: An Historic Encounter

Cracked #150
May 1978
by Pierre L.

150 issues of CRACKED! Who would have thought that this little goofball magazine would make it this far? And still doing the same jokes! Ahh...Makes me smile. Without further ado, let's step inside this important issue and grope around.

COVER: Excellent. Good for a smile. I always like to Sylvester front and center.

POSTER: A "Top Secret" one that really isn't all that great. Possibly the problem with it is that if you have it hanging in your room, it's just too much to read and the joke is too subtle. Folks want to look and acknowledge and smile. This one is too much effort and not enough payoff.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. Cee is the pruerrfer for this issue. A preview of upcoming articles? Two words: Jimmy Carter. How's that grab you?

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: One page. The second is that "Fighting Inflation" ad again.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE WORST KIND: I haven't seen the film in years. Does someone want to send me a copy? I'm kidding, of course. A great parody. It has a real nice flow to it and there's always something fun going on. Some of the jokes are older than a Civil War veteran. (How many kids of 1978 were actually familiar with the song "Melancholy Baby"? I only knew it from CRACKED jokes.) It's a brisk 7-page opener that goes against my "no movie parody" rules. The closing joke is a McDonald's one! The head alien is asked the secret of the universe. His reply: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese..."

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO PADDLEBALL: Why not? Paddleball! They even mention it in the intro..."Just when you thought you had learned every sport that there was to know..." Ahhh, something about this guide is charming. Silly pictures with, mainly, straight captions. I smiled throughout. Maybe I'm just feeling good. Maybe Jesus loves me still. I don't know. Regardless, this is fun CRACKED.

COWTOWN U.S.A.: The best! Cowtown (from Issue 139) has returned! It is a photo (real photo) filled brochure for a vacation in Cowtown. A lovely young lady and a man in a cow suit enjoy the town. This is very funny and almost feels more like a National Lampoon article than something for CRACKED. If I had the ability, I'd post the whole thing. But, I don't know how. Suffice it to say, you get a buttload (is that the right word?) of info detailing all the fun stuff to do in Cowtown. I will list just some of the activities on the final page:

"Get Up!
Get Out!
And
-Come wash in our sinks!
-Ride on our newly paved road!
-Smell our bread!
-Shiver in our cold!
-Soak in our rain!"

Good stuff.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF HOSPITALS: First thing I noticed was that it's printed poorly. The article is too close to the top of the page. The very top edge of everything is cut off. Quality, thy name is CRACKED! The first thing I thought was "After Cowtown, this is right back to MAD-sville." But, it's actually not. If you read the article, it is not the standard several panel comic strip-style stuff with a bad punchline. The way this one is written is more interesting. Jokes and funny names are sprinkled throughout. Not just in the final panel. One guy is named "Mr. Pumplechunker". Were they all high over there? One of the strips starts with a fat lady swinging from a bar in a doorway. It ends with something that doesn't even seem to be a joke. The gag is at the start and it moves towards serious behavior. Wow! I wonder if this thread will grow and extend across the issues? Possibly not but... 4 pages of an interesting avenue.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A SKI LODGE: Funny jokes? You won't find them here. "What's that jacket of yours lined with?" "Duck down." You provide the punchline. However, this one is laid out exactly like the Santa's Workshop "LOOK" from the previous issue and it's fun to stare at. Nothing all that humorous but not a bad way to spend two pages.

IF THE CARTER FAMILY BECAME TV REGULARS: No. It's a lot funnier when Darth Vader is on a TV show. The Washington Squares with the Carter Family is mildly amusing. The Man From Atlanta (Man From Atlantis parody) makes me think that the original 5 episode miniseries of Dallas would have aired the month after this issue came out. So, in March 1978, Patrick Duffy (Or "The Duff") was known to CRACKED readers as "The Man From Atlantis"! (Steve?) But, at the end of April, he would be known as Bobby Ewing.

Actually, I wouldn't mind talking about Dallas but I'll keep on moving.

OTHER "SELF-SERVICE" BUSINESSES: Self-service gas stations lead to conjecture. Self-serve hospitals and supermarkets and courtrooms and hair salons and restaurants. Another strange article. The jokes aren't funny and the drawings are so cluttered and zany that, on occasion, I can't quite see the joke. (The supermarket is a good example. What am I looking at?) However, the energy and smash of the drawings make for an article that I just kept peering at. It was fun.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO MARTIAL ARTS: Lots of funny drawings of people kicking and punching things. I've always thought that two "CRACKED GUIDES" in one issue was too much. This is no exception. But, it is fun. The two men dancing in one diagram is funny stuff. Like a lot of this issue, this article is a breeze. Smile and enjoy.

GOOD TYMES: "Good Tymes"? How long did it take them to figure that one out? "Just throw a Y in there?" "Where?...Oh!...Good stuff!...Lunch?" This one's all right. The earlier Good Times parody back in Issue 130 was funnier. By this point, Florida was off the show. The father was long dead and all sorts of secondary characters had taken over. Mr. J.J. Walker is as good as ever but this makes me kind of sad. Shows that grind on long after they should have stopped are not so fun. It's like seeing the end of My Three Sons. Everyone's married and has kids! 12 seasons that thing was on for. Somehow I just end up wistful rather than cheerful at the end of this one.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SOUVENIR KING: It's Nanny - looking good. It's some guy selling souvenirs - he's a shyster. Nothing worse and nothing better than they'd done before with Nanny. To be honest, I was really hoping they'd end the issue differently. Nanny at the end is honestly wearing on me. Oh well...so be it. It's like one of those albums where everything really rocks but the last song is longer and slower than everything else, kind of dragging it down. Let's move on...I don't expect a change here.

SHUT-UPS
Sal - 3/5
Wilbur - 4/5
Louise - 4/5

Total: Joy

Every person shut-upped and named in this issue. Great stuff.

BACK COVER: A jockey shoots another jockey to win a horse race. The issue kind of tails off. (No pun intended. Pun received?)

I loved this issue up until the end. But, there is enough good stuff and slightly odd off-kilter stuff to keep the CRACKED fan amused. This one actually might be a decent one to show non-fans. I think I'll show your mother.

NEXT ISSUE: Ladies and Ladies and Ladies

Addendum to Issue #149

Excerpts from the "Statement of Ownership, Management & Circulation"

1. Title of Publication: CRACKED Magazine
2. Date of Filing: October 1, 1977
3. Frequency of issue: Monthly except February, April & June
4. location of known office of publication (street, city, county, sate, zip code) (Not printers): 235 park Avenue South, new York, N.Y. 10003
6. Names and address of the Publisher, Editor and Managing Editor: Robert C. Sproul, 235 Park Ave. So., New York, NY 10003 Editor: Robert C. Sproul, 235 Park Ave. So, New York, NY 10003. Managing Editor: None
7. Owner...: Major magazine...Robert C. Sproul...Bernard Brill
10. Extent and nature of circulation:
A. Total No,. copies printed (Net press run: Average No copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 891,479; Single issue nearest to filing date, 904,916.
B. Paid circulation: 1. Sales through dealers and carriers, street vendors and counter sales: Average No. of copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 471,981; Single issue published nearest to filing date 541,250. 2 Mail subscriptions: Average No. of copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 1,820; Single issue published nearest filing date 2,301.
C. Total paid circulation: Average No. copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 473,801; Single issue published nearest to filing date, 543,551.
D. Free distribution by mail, carrier or other means: 1. Samples, complimentary and other free copies: Average No. copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 118. Single issue published nearest to filing date, 100.
E. Total distribution (Sum of C & D); Average No. copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 473,919; Actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 543,651.
F. Copies not distributes: 1. Office use, left-over, unaccounted, spoiled after printing; average no. copies each issue during preceding 12 months: 700. Actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 720. 2. Returns from news agents; average no. copies each issue during preceding 12 months. 416,860. actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 360,545.
G. Total (Sum of E & F should equal net press run shown in A): average no. copies each issue during preceding 12 months, 891,479; actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date, 904,916.

I certify that the statements made by me above are correct and complete.

Robert C. Sproul, Publisher

Cracked #149: Haven't we seen this cover somewhere before?

Cracked #149
March 1978
by Pierre L.

Yes, we have. It's the same idea as the "Free Poster" from #135. Oh well. This one is still fun. It's nice to see these characters that we love all jumbled up like this. Darth with C-3PO's head is pretty funny. Let's step inside.

FREE POSTER: "Warning! Absolutely Nothing Will Not Be Tolerated!" Did they find this one in a "leftover gags" file from issue #74?

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Let's move on!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - January 31st. Pretty standard stuff. Best letter: "Hey CRACKED, Don't you ever stop making fun of STAR WARS? They spent a lot of time and money on that movie and you treat it like a TV Show." So true.

There is a "Statement of Ownership, Management & Circulation" included. I may include a bit of this in an addendum.

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN VS. DARK BADAR: Someone is draining off all of the Earth's electricity. So, Stebe Auston is shot into space and winds up on the Death Star. He gets rescued by Luke Skywalker. He thinks Stebe is the Princess. The best line in the whole bit comes when they are leaving the cell and Luke says, "Put on this Barbara Streisand disguise and we'll sneak out of here in no time." And, over the next page, the Six Billion Dollar Man runs around with a curly wig and a big nose. It's great.

This article is really quite entertaining. It mixes the movie with the TV show and comes up with a few good hoots. The crew of the Falcon and Stebe dress up as Tupperwear sales ladies and sneak on the Death Star. All sorts of junk like that. In the end, there is a Wizard of Oz parody. I liked this opener quite a bit. Mix up the TV and movie stuff more often. Putting a TV character into a movie plot is nice. Let's carry on...

CRACKED'S SPECIALLY TAILORED BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS: MAD ahoy! This is what you'd imagine. Example: "Grocer" There is a big supermarket ad that reads: "Poindexter grocery - Today's manager Special! - 1 7-1/2 lb. baby girl Denise - Started Wed. May 10th at 7:45 - Continues indefinitely." Another example: "Stock Broker" We see one of those stock printer machine things with a long stream of paper coming out of it. The magnified paper reads: "At the close of the hospital today, Callenger Enterprises was up 1 as the company declared a new dividend - Mark David Callenger Company should continue rapid growth as Mrs. Callenger told stockholders her intention of declaring still a second dividend on a date to be announced." Stuff like that. Written in their sleep or taken from an old issue of MAD. Move on.

JERRY INTERVIEWS THE STARS: Jerry Dumpy interviews Bobby Bake, King Kung, Wretched Thomas (John-Boy) and Wattah Faucet (ex-Charlie's Angel). This one has some fun art and some good gags. Wattah shows up at the door looking like the lady from the Bounty commercials. King Kung is really tiny. The best, though, is Mr. Thomas. In contrast to his Waltons character, he wears a beret and smokes a cigarette on a long holder and yells "Hi!...Simply Hi-i-i-!" when he sees Jerry. In the end, Jerry turns out to be Nanny Dickering. Pretty good stuff.

ONE AFTERNOON AT A COLORADO SKI COMPETITION: Decent one-pager. A lot of snow. I miss snow.

CRACKED TIPS FOR IMPROVING HOME MOVIES: If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a reprint. Actually, I don't know better. It's about spicing up home movies with flashy titles (The trip to Mexico becomes "Terror in Tijuana") and wacky camera angles and stuff like that. You need to add merchandising rights and cakes falling onto baby's heads. Then, you've got it. Fun article. I can't shake the feeling that it's an oldie, though.

A CRACKED LOOK AT SANTA'S WORKSHOP: The best ever. Big pictures and decent jokes. It's all set in Santa's place with elves and reindeer and toys and antler polish. This is the first "CRACKED LOOK AT..." that I've ever wanted to see go on for an extra page or two. Nice.

So far...at the halfway point...a solid issue.

A subscription ad kicks off the second half. Still fighting inflation.

IF THE CHARACTERS OF STAR WARS APPEARED IN OTHER MOVIES AND TV SHOWS: Matching Game '77 (amusing), The Walled-Ins (all right), The Wizard of Noz (good for a laugh) and Rockey (not bad). This is exactly what you'd expect if you've read other versions of this. And, it's great to see these characters appear in other things. I wish it was a little less obvious but then it wouldn't be CRACKED. If you loved the characters and couldn't get to the theater again, they're here. And, they're good for a smile.


OK, there is one superb joke. Dark Badar is on Matching Game '77. The question is: "Mary said: Oh Harry, I don't know how to tell you this but I'm going to have a BLANK." Dark Badar's response is "I'm going to have a..." "Medium-sized intergalactic rumination."

IF ALL VIOLENCE WERE ELIMINATED FROM TV: Football players tag each other and form a strong offensive line by eating smelly cheese. Injuns "scalp" cowboys by giving them buzz cuts. Cops throw Boston Cream pies at crooks. It's fun. The art has a lot of verve here and the sound effect "SPROUL!" is used. I like this one.

IT'S A LOT WORSE IN BUFFALO: An article about how cold it is in Buffalo. Apparently, it's pretty cold! Yeah, it does get cold there. During bank robberies, you can't tell who is the crook because everyone has ski masks on! No one can commit suicide because the snow drifts are so high! I miss snow. They gotta knock it off.

I recently transferred my old VHS of a Yule log to DVD-R. The tape was 30 minutes. So, I looped it four times. Two hours of the yule log. Did you see that the Christmas candles are out? Excellent. I can't buy them now because I'll have burnt them down by Thanksgiving. Still...

CRACKED!

THE TALKING BLOB: A parody of The Blob. It's great. I like when they hop back in time like this. Somehow it seems more charming than usual. The Blob ends up eating everybody and is only stopped by the CRACKED printer ending the article. The Fonz doesn't show up like in the Beach party parody. Still...This is a lot of fun.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE WRESTLING KING: We see a lot of chicanery involved in professional wrestling. Atilla the Bun loses in a bout to Nanny's nephew. The pictures are funny and the words are few. This is fun Nanny. Just goofiness. Leave the social commentary to MAD. They do it better and it suits their magazine, which is, frankly, more ponderous. Fun closing article.

SHUT-UPS

1 - 5/5 (A lady with an awesome face)
2 - 5/5 (Quicksand)
3 - 4/5 (A big suitcase)

I feel giving. 5 stars all around. I am Shut-Up.

BACK COVER: Great moments in Auto Racing. The visual is better than the punchline. A confused man in a little car. His car has a chain attached that leads to an enormous cannon. It is about to be fired. He doesn't look happy.

Great issue. I was worried in the beginning because it seemed like we were climbing in a rut. However, this is good stuff. CRACKED firing on full and making us smile. I can't wait to see where we go next.

Next Issue: You-F-O!

Cracked #148: That's one sweet-ass cantina!

Cracked #148
January 1978
by Pierre L.

Great cover. The center of the "Star Bar" poster. And, yes, this month's poster is the pretty awesome "Star Bar" spread. One of Mr. Severin's best. Everybody's laughing at Sylvester! Because he's the freakiest one of all.

As we've seen in the past, though, a kick-arse cover can disguise pretty bland insides. What about this month? let's jump in.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Seymour Errs - prueff rrder Now, that's bad spelling!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The lettuce sometimes looks more like cabbage to me. Next issue - December 20th. Amos Svoboda has a couple of letters here. But, it's only one page. There's a subscription ad on the second page. Oh well. I just set myself up for another year. Pretty cheap. $4 for 9 issues. Not bad. That's cheap comedy.

THE SPY WHO SNUBBED ME: Lots of funny visuals. Lots of Jawz attacking Jaimes Bund. And, possibly not their best use of "funny character names" Bund and Jawz? Who wrote this? My 4-year-old nephew? The best gag in this one is during the opening ski scene where a head is randomly floating through the sky saying "Uh-oh! Wrong page!" Who is he? We'll find out. Not a bad opener. It moves briskly and James Bond films are generally one step away from parody anyway so they didn't have to travel far. When Bund turns to the audiences and says "Aren't my asides nauseating?", that's nice.

THE MACHINE MANIA MONOPOLIZES THE MOVIES: Basically fake movie posters for films that are completely robot or machine filled. A bit of a strange article, I thought. People were certainly robot nutty because of Star Warz (Wars, sorry) but were they really "machine crazy"? Maybe they were. "Robot Love" is a robot love story starring Jason Robots Jr. and Joan Rivets. "Robbie the Robot Cop" has a sidekick dog played by Rin Tin Tin. "Riding For a Fall" is about the tragic end of Hollywood's #1 stunt car. This one stars Jane Fender. Bela Lugassy stars in "Dracula Drags Again". And, of course "Gunfight at the OK Garage". But then, it takes a strange turn. "Introducing Morrie the Mower in...The Grass is Greener". "The Iceman Cometh Not" is starring Fred "the Fridge". "When Your Number is Up" is something to do with a calculator. There's a real charming in these articles that seem to catch a clever idea from pop culture and then spin off into realms that make you think "Do they know what they're writing about?"

A SOUVENIR PHOTO ALBUM OF THEIR TRIP TO EARTH: Star Warz, ahoy! Cy-Threepiu & Artie-Ditto visit Earth and what do they find? What you'd expect? Yes. Artie is treated like a fire hydrant. They get good service at the gas station. They get mad when they see a guy punching a vending machine. They are thrilled to watch people at the beach swimming in oil. It's fun to read but it consists of 100% of the jokes you would have thought up if this were your job.

A BROCHURE FROM P.T.U.: Prime Time University! It's all about congregating and watching TV and reading TV Guide. This is a pretty great article. But, unfortunately, you'd need to read it. Lots of fine visuals and great "brochure" text. It even has a commercial break. Let me just say: Kojak graduated from here with a LLB (Bachelor of Lollipop Licking). This is good stuff, folks. Find it and read it.

THE HOW TO INSULT MANUAL: I can take or leave this one. It's basically a guy telling another guy all the insults he can use in his day to day life. I was going to pick one and print it here but, Lord, they're all bad. "I remember you when you were only this big!" "And, I remember you when you were only this wide!" Stuff like that. One great joke: The guy telling the insults is the head floating through The Spy Who Snubbed Me. His head appears at the top of certain panels narrating the insult action. Somehow he wound up in the wrong article. Take that and move on.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A PLANT STORE: Big drawings, fewer word balloons than usual. Not actually a funny setting but there are a lot of women who look like Nanny Dickering. I've been enjoying these more and more lately so...this one ain't bad. But, a plant store? What's next? A stationary shop?

ONE MINUTE TV SHOWS OF THE FUTURE: Very fast TV. 60 Minutes is now 60...you guessed it. Interviews are people saying "Hello" and that's all. Gone With The Wind is edited down to a minute. Funny how this was such a crazy thing then but, gradually, this is the way most TV has become now. And, it didn't require the choppy "Comedy" we get here. It slowly became this over a long period of time and tightening. So, the article is slightly amusing but not really up to much. Time has dulled its sheen. It does have some charm, though.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF TOYS AND GAMES: I'll just start with this: There are two cheerleaders in this one holding up their phone numbers for the football players. Their numbers are - Suzy: 213-1876 & Lucy: 943-7890. They're older now but they've still got zazz! MAD invades CRACKED offices. A series of comic strips with gags a-plenty! Franny Fallapart from Renco is the highlight. She's a doll that falls apart. A brief read. Good for a smile. But, let's move on.

THE 99,999 MILE BOOK: A parody of a car care booklet put out by Shell that ties everything back to Shell products. It's laid out sideways as if it were a real car care book and it's pretty amusing. Actually, they are Shill products but you know... Always use Shill oil. Sage bit of advice: Every year you should do a simple check-up on your car. "Engine...Is it still under the hood?" Useless info except when it's sending you to Shill products. Fun stuff.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE HOBO KING: Nanny! This one is pretty good. I know I've been getting down on Nanny lately but this one has verve. A good issue can perk things up. Turns out this hobo king lives in a mansion. There's money to be made in hoboing! Ahh, what happened to hobos? They do rip off a Groucho Marx joke at one point (probably more than that, actually). The Hobo King makes a joke and then, in the next panel, he's looking at us and saying, "Well, look folks. Every panel can't be a gem!" Only remind us of that when we're in hysterics otherwise it looks like you really don't care.

STAR PEOPLE WEEKLY & CREATURES & THINGS: A tabloid for outer space! Hugh Hefner XII is on the cover with his outer-space Playboy Empire. And, the gals look real odd! Apparently, they just opened the first McDonalds on Uranus. How do the new Polaroids work? Pop the Polaroid Pill in your mouth. Focus on the subject. Tweak your nose. Finished photo pops out of your mouth. It's fun. This is an entertaining article that pops up in one of the SPECIALS in the next year or two. Look for it! Oddly enough, at five pages, this one could have been longer.

SHUT-UPS

1 - 3/5 dead guy
2 - 4/5 old guy
3 - 5/5 mail man

I love shut-ups.

Final Score: hot/damn!

BACK COVER: Great Moments In Games - Upper Mongolia - 1,057,649 BC - Wooka J. Zooka Jr. Almost Invents Tic-Tac-Toe. (It wasn't until 83,422 years later that circles were invented and tic-tac-toe became popular.)

An extremely charming issue. This is the way CRACKED does it right! A dud here and there but, overall, solid. Makes you smile and makes you want to read more.

Next: More Star Warz! More Fun? We'll find out.