CRACKED #159
May 1979
by Pierre L.
Folks, I apologize. It's been so long. I've been reading and I've been loving but I ain't been writing. I'm sorry. I will try to put up a few before the end of the year. Starting here...
Oh boy! Battlestar Galactica! Take it down! Great Cover! It has a real epic feel but Sylvester brings it all right down to the special place, the CRACKED place.
Let's step in...
CRACKED POSTER: "We're Experiencing Technical Difficulties. Do Not Adjust This Poster" And, the words are all wobbly. Nice. And...the background is black! What happened to the Pee Yellow we're so used to?
TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Luke N. Cee - pruf rdr" Can there be more love here? Awesome. Looks like a good line up although it's always tough to gauge from here. I think it will be fun...fun...fun.
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: March 13th - Next issue! Pretty straight forward lettuce. I'm anxious to hop in to the fun. Let's go...
BATTLETSTAR GARLCTICA: Awesome title! You got it, guys! I always used to wonder about their breath on that ship! Nice! This is a swift 6-pager. With a lot of jokes about how they repeat the premise of the show a lot and how cheap the effects were (but they weren't...which is odd) and how they ripped off so many things. My favorite bit: The main guys crash on an unknown planet and it turns out to be...the Planet of the Apes! When one of the guys thinks this is going a bit far, the other says "When your show has the sets and effects of Star Wars, the plots of Star Trek and the intelligence of Lost in Space, no one's gonna notice one more little steal." He's right. I never liked this show but this parody is fun. Read on!
CRACKED MODERNIZES SONGS OF CHILDHOOD: MAD Ahoy! Oh man...Little illustrations alongside modernized versions of poems dealing with the Olympics, broken down cars, overspending wives, lazy farmers and Lawrence Welk...And more, of course...Here's one:
Ride Our White Ford
("Ride a White Cock to Banbury Cross")
Ride our white ford to Banbury Cross,
To buy jewelry, lipstick and cranberry sauce,
Plus panty hose, and dresses with bows--
My wife can spend money wherever she goes.
Hello, 1959! Oh well. Strong start grinds to a halt. I always thought my own personal "Best of Cracked" might be fun but I think you need everything from each issue to really appreciate CRACKED, even the articles that stink.
A CRACKED LOOK AT INDIRECT MESSAGES: You know...a cop in one panel says "Please step out of the car" but he really wants to draw his gun and say "You look suspicious so get out slow or I'll blast you!" Things like that. The way people are indirect and how CRACKED can simplify things. There's one funny one where a beautiful woman asks a man at a party what he does for a living. The direct method has her asking how much he makes so she'll know if she's wasting her time. This one's OK but I have a tough time getting too excited. Maybe it's warm in here and I'm getting logy.
THE CRACKED BOOK OF GAMES AND PUZZLES THAT ANYONE CAN SOLVE: Best article in this issue. One intro page and four sideways pages of puzzles like: Can you find the dog cleverly hidden in this picture? We see a suburban street and several houses. In between two of houses is an enormous dog. There's a crossword puzzle with three up squares and three down squares. DOWN: "If you followed the letter 'L' with an 'E' and a 'G', you would have the word ___" And, there's a game of Blind Man's Bluff where everyone is blindfolded except the person doing the looking. It's funny stuff and deserved to be the centerpiece of this issue. It almost is.
CLONE ADS OF THE FUTURE: Clone yourself so you can cheat on your wife! Clone yourself so you can work multiple jobs and make big bucks! Use the "Clone Coloring Service!" Clone yourself Ebony Black! "Find what it's like not to have to spend money on suntan oil." I like the art. The gags must have seemed 1,000 years old, even in 1979.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A CRACKED HOSPITAL WHEN: Some pretty funny illustrations but the lead-in lines (above the pictures) are pretty blah. "...the crutches have termites." "...the nurses dress in black." "...the doctor starts doing the Hustle while listening to your heart." "...the scalpel is an old pizza cutter." Actually some of the drawings are really funny. But, the article is...ah...not much.
AND YET STILL MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: Four pages of charming still gags. These are generally fun and this batch is no different.
THE SCUBA DIVER: Pretty funny one-pager. Read and smile, I won't ruin it.
THE CRACKED HANDBOOK OF ACTING: 4 pages of gags about becoming an actor. Being an extra in a Raisin Bran commercial. (3rd Raisin) Practicing all your emotions. Finding an agent who won't rip you off. Stuff like that. Projecting on stage. (That looks like yelling!)A fun article. maybe a little text-heavy but it surfs along.
CRACKED'S ABSURD ALBUM OF MORE APPROPRIATE ACRONYMS: A pager. A bunch of wonderfully goofball acronyms...such as L.A.T.E. - Legion for Airline Travel Efficiency and J.U.N.K.F.O.O.D. - Just Unhealthy Nibbling Keeps Fatties Off Overdue Diets. There is one for Cracked Magazine but it's lengthy. I'll let you hunt it down.
M*U*S*H - Wow. What is this the 3rd or 4th MASH parody? This one features Winchester and a lot of really corny jokes but it's still fun. Almost like a vaguely reoccurring thing now. Some laughs in here. I may go back to the previous appearances and collate everything into a big ball of comedy...with a K!
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON KING - Joe Banal is interviewed. He's asked why the animation in his shows is so bad and why the stories are so boring. But, he just gets defensive and yells at Nanny. I can't condone that, Jack! Banal, quite bein' a peckerhead! Pretty good interview. It really works if you remember how bad most Saturday Morning cartoons where back in the day.
SHUT-UPS
1 - Tattoo
2 - Old Ladies
3 - Bank Robbers
Tattoo Lady Robbers!
Grade - Fun in your pants!
ONE DAY IN THE TROPICS: Back cover. A decent one-pager although the art is a little funky.
A decent issue. Nothing fantastic. Really has the feeling of coasting along, passing time. But, I think, things will pick up soon. (Trust me.)
Next issue: Super Huh?
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