CRACKED #165 - [Insert Joke about Syvlester being batty]

December 1979
by Pierre L.

Oh, that version of Dracula! Sure...we've all seen that one. And why not? Another version of Dracula? Give me four. I want to save one for my Gramma when she comes up to visit next week. I have noticed that Sylvester seems to misunderstand some of the cover-related stuff, like the grease and Grease. I guess that's part of his charm. Has he ever been sued, I wonder?

POSTER: The pee color is back! They must have broken the bank with the grey of the last issue. This one is an important announcement that make a jokes about people in Australia being upside down. Wouldn't people from New Zealand be upside down too? Where did this gag come from originally? I think they had this pee-yellow poster in storage. There isn't a lot of life here.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "pf rdr - Seymour Errs" Hi, Seymour. Welcome to the magazine. Strangely, the contents are Mork-less. Odd?

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Ahh, there he is. Hi, Mork. Welcome Seymour to the magazine, please. Here's a revealing letter from David Wayman of August, Maine: "Dear CRACKED, An article on marriage? It was like listening to a 60-year-old comedian. I mean, really! Has CRACKED sold out?" The editor's response is one about Yep! [We've sold out]...on every newsstand in America or something like that but it's nice to see that someone at the time thought "Hey! This is a pile! What the hell is this?" Next issue - November 6th" Oh, and someone does yell at CRACKED for doing a disco article -- because rock 'n' roll rules!

DRECULA - As you may have guessed, I've never seen this version. I'm sure it looks fine. It's got some big actors in it. It's supposed to have some fine effects. And, the book is a good one. So, I can't imagine it stinks. This parody certainly doesn't. It's 7 pages, which might be too long. It's got some good gags and, because it's abbreviating a movie, it moves quickly. Whole scenes are encapsulated in one panel and then we move on. So, the flow is a good one. There is a joke about the Count counting every time someone says "Count!" But, even Drecula thinks this joke blows so there's no worries.

THE RHYME OF THE THIEVING SHEIK: Maybe they should leave this stuff to MAD? In a small town, whenever they're low on oil, a sheik shows up and takes all of their cash. At the end, the town bands together and uses solar and wind power and the sheik goes broke. Wow! That's exactly how it happened! "It's a guy in a bed sheet! Boy, he looks like a nerd!" is my favorite line. I kind of shrug at this article. At least they gave it a shot but...ahhh...

PHOTOON: A pretty amusing one-pager with a baby saying "Cut That Jive!"

GAG LINES FOR EVERY PROFESSION: Wooh! This one stinks! Plumber, School Teacher, Doctor, etc. All of them ladling out the bad puns. So, I thought I'd transcribe one. I couldn't decide between Plumber or Travel Agent so here are both:

PLUMBER:
LADY: So what seems to be the problem, Mr. Plunger?
PLUMBER: I've gotta turn your water off for a month while I locate a new washer I need to fix your pipes. Now, I know what you're wondering "WATER we gonna do?"
L: WELL?
P: Yes. You could dig one.
L: But, Mr. Plunger!
P: This sort of reminds me of what the faucet said to the sinkful of water.
L: What was that?
P: You ougtha be in pitchers!
L: Well, couldn't you fix the pipes some other way - maybe clamp them together?
P: Do I look like a vice guy to you? Trust me.
L: Well...OK...
P: Boy, are you dumb! Anyway, like the dry cleaner said to the shirt, "It's time for me to press on." See ya!

TRAVEL AGENT:
TRAVEL AGENT: Well, HAWAII!!
LADY: Fine. My husband and I wanted to know if there are any trips available to Bora Bora?
TA: VENICE if convenient for you to go?
L: In March.
TA: ODESSA laugh! KENYA go in October? March through September is very popular.
L: I'm afraid March is when my husband gets his vacation.
TA: LIMA check it out for you. I'll call the woman at the airline and ALASKA WATTS what.
L: Excuse me, but do you always talk in geographic times?
TA: TIJUANA know why I BABYLON like this?
L: Why?
TA: IDAHO!!

When did Forrest J. Ackerman join the writing staff?

BIG-TIME PROFESSIONAL WEATHER FORECASTING KID!: A one-pager. It's packed and it's amusing. I don't want to give too much of this away. Find it and enjoy.

THE VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS: Another kick-asser. 5 pages of good laughs. An aside: There is one still here from a movie that I must see. "I know I haven't had much success with this trick but don't worry. I think I've figured it out." It's a big, castle laboratory-type room. There is a woman on a slab of some kind and a man standing over her. Spread out across the ground, there are bodies. But, bodies that have their heads and hands obliterated. It's actually a really dark and unpleasant photo and I'm dying to see the film. What might it be?

YOU'RE REALLY OVERDOING IT A LITTLE WHEN: I'll let a better man than me detail this bland one-pager. These sorts of articles are starting to wear me down.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF LINES: Too bad. We were really cooking along fairly nicely. Four pages of line gags are tiring. Although, the guy waiting in the long line for the disco who looks about 50 and says "I'm 35!" made me laugh He's 35! How old were 35-year-olds back then? I'm 36 and I still get carded! The hell? I'd actually prefer another disco article to this one.

MIRACLE WORKERS THE WORLD HAS NEVER HEARD OF ('TIL NOW): A Murphy's Law thing with fun art. A guy who can make it rain. The moment he starts watering his lawn - it pours. A lady can make hundreds of men appear out of nowhere - by wearing her bikini. Things like that. Not a bad article. Worth a first read because, although it is cut from the same cloth as the two previous bits, it has a little more life. And, that lady in the bikini. Va-Va-Va-VOOOMMM!!!

CRACKED'S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR PET: Dog and cat and fish and hamster jokes by the score. I liked the hamster smothered in lettuce and the turtle strapped to the top of the toy train. Those are yukks. The rest of it is OK with some amusing drawings (the bunny emotions are great). This issue is starting to tire me a bit, unfortunately.

SPORTS SILLYSTRATED: The article is very text-heavy but it's got laughs. The picture of the entrants in the 50th Annual Slog City Knee Holding Competition is my favorite. This has a touch of Cowtown to it. (Remember that?) Some Olympics jokes. Jokes about guys sweating. The issue is slowly regaining steam.

NEVERREADY POWERCELL AD - A one pager and the funniest bit in this issue. Reminds me of Aunt Dinger's Sauce from the last issue. Funny picture. Funny ad line. Funny text. Good one.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GAME SHOW KING: Nanny is back!! And, she's talking with Mr. Chuck Embarris, who runs all the big game shows. Basically, he's able to humiliate people left and right because his game shows have systematically lowered the IQ's of everyone in America. Pretty sound, I think. Oddly enough, Nanny doesn't really call him on it. Hmmm...Did Nanny get paid off? Is that why she wasn't here last issue? I wonder.

SHUT-UPS

1-3 Mother-in-law!

Total - They Saved My mother-in-law's brain!

BACK COVER: One-pager called "One Night at the Garden". Pretty good gag. A nice issue closer.

Odd. This one has some excellent highs but some bland, bland lows. Why? Why? A little more effort would make the whole issue sparkle. There does seem to be a little less BLAND on this one than the last one so Hope Springs Eternal!


Next issue: Some old friends are back. But, possibly, not the old friends you're thinking of.

Cracked #164: Sylvester was the janitor on the Nostromo?

by Pierre L.
November 1979

The cover is a fun one. Nice to see some variation on their regular themes of featuring the most popular person on TV at that moment. I haven't seen Alien in a while...maybe it's time.

POSTER: THE WAY TO CONSERVE ENERGY -- A switch with "Off" on both sides. Here's a surprise: There's no pee-yellow background to this one. It's black & white. Nice.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Busty gals, disco dancing...& Mork. They're all here. Pruif reeedeer: Rita Righta

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: People ike the magazine. One guy likes How To Improve Your Memory but can't remember why. Ain't that great? Next Issue on sale September 25th.

ALLIEN AND HOW TO WATCH IT: This one is a heavily censored version of Alien. A man (Bob Sproul?) says that he hates all the gore in modern day movies and is here to censor them. (He mentions Prophecy, Phantasm and Nightwings [sic]. Probably one of the few times those three would pop up in the same breath.) The censor does not like gore and he's consistently throwing up black panels to block out the sloppy stuff. At one point, we go out and buy some popcorn to miss some splatter. I know a lot of kids like the gore so I'm not 100% sure who this is for. It seems like a joke but this censor really doesn't like this stuff. Possibly they should have used Nightwing or Prophecy...films that kind of stink, rather than a very good one.

However, the variation on the usual parody opening is a nice touch. Although, I find the attitude to be a little too Puritan for my tastes. It's worth a read. Imagine how they're going to feel in May 1980 when we all go to Crystal Lake for the first time.

WHEN GAMBLING BECOMES LEGAL IN EVERYDAY LIFE: Three pages of stuff like a man dropping a coin in a meter and getting {RING-A-DING} "Free Parking!" Bits like that. This is one of those articles where all I have to do is say "Supermarkets", "Voting Booths", "In A Hospital", "I.R.S. Form" and At The Laundromat" and you can guess the exact jokes here. Well, in pure CRACKED style, an interesting, different kind of article is followed immediately by something Mad first did in 1955. Oh well.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF AMBITION: Wow! These jokes are older than in the last article. Two kids are arguing about whose dad is going to make it to the top. One says "My dad made it to the top already!" He's a roofer. This is less of a funny article than a "Spot what the day-old joke is going to be before it gets there" bit. I don't like it. At 4 pages, I'm aching...downstairs.

AUNTIE DINGER'S SPAGHETTI SAUCE AD: Funny one-pager, What magazine is this?

CRACKED TIPS FOR ECONOMIZING: Fun drawings and slightly better gags make this one a fun dawdle. "The Economy Drive-In Movie Date" Put your TV in the window and sit in your car outside."The Economy Winter Skiing Vacation" You ski off of your snowy roof. "The Economy Prison" (I like this one...) We see the corner of a prison. The warden is talking to a guard about "...the latest gimmick for cutting down on prison costs!" An EXIT door. Nice. Not a stellar bit but worth your time.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF MARRIAGE: Good God, did Henny Youngman write this issue? 4 pages of...oh, I don't know. Part of me wants to write down all the jokes so a collective groan can coruscate across the internet. But, another part of me is sleepy. It's a hot day. A Marriage Counsellor is talking to a couple: "You have to assert yourself, Mr. Collins...don't always do what your wife says. In a happy marriage..." Phone Rings. The Counsellor picks it up. "Yes, dear...or course, dear...you're right as always, honey..." There are a lot of "fat wife" jokes and then there is a very odd one at a buffet line in a restaurant...

It gets its own paragraph.

There is a large man with a cigar walking with a woman who is all beat up with an arm in a sling. Another man leans in, pointing at a very fat woman, and says "Pssst. I hear you're a wife beater. How much do you charge?"

Thank you, CRACKED. All class.

THE LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS: One of my favorite CRACKED Lens's. 6 pages of some of their funniest bits. There is a Collectors Edition of The Cracked Lens out. Go on Ebay and find it. My attempts at describing the gags will be a waste of everyone's time. But, I'm looking and I'm laughing.

YOU'RE GOING A LITTLE TOO FAR WHEN: You have three articles like this in the same issue! C'mon! "You win a weekend trip to a luxury resort, but squawk because the TV set in your hotel room is only black and white!" "You ask your girlfriend to brush off all those long blond hairs from your jacket...and she's a brunette!" "You rob a bank and then ask the teller to give you a free calendar!" It's just two pages and if you flip, real quick, you'll get to the next bit.

LITERAL INTERPRETATIONS OF BASEBALL EXPRESSIONS: Remember that bit, a long time ago, where they did literal interpretations of headlines. This one is like that. Two quick pages with funny illustrations with bits about "foul balls" and a player being "behind the bag" and one player "walking" another. It's fun. A little bit of life to it.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF DISCO: Thank God, disco has officially and mightily arrived. Unfortunately, this bit ooks just like the marriage bit and the ambition bit so I, frankly, could give a fat crap on Warm Thursday. Disco music is better than people say but some of it certainly does stink. Put on some Bee Gees and carry on.

TEN LITTLE DRIVERS: A poem about the OPEC nations squeezing money out of us for oil. 1989: "One little driver.../ His car he cannot run./ At ten bucks per, it will not stir,/ So then there'll be none." Mad? What are you doing here?

ONE AFTERNOON IN A PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE: Decent one-pager. Auntie Dinger's ad is funnier.

IF MORK APPEARED IN OTHER TV SHOWS AND MOVIES: Star Trek - Kirk turns invisbile. Mork plays Spock. Kirk becomes visible again but his knees don't. Why not. He has...knee-monia! "Spock, go sit on your ears!" King Kong - Mork uses his egg spaceship to bring down Kong. Gone With The Wind - He makes a joke about Scarlet Fever. Why wouldn't he? Sherlock Holmes - Mork is Holmes and the murderer! I enjoy these articles and this one is fun...Imagine my surprise however.

SHUT-UPS

1 - Beans!
2 - Bums!
3 - Lynching Parties!

Total - BBL Big Bad Louie?

BACK COVER: "Oh, Those Long Lines". A long line/ gas station/ toilet joke...it's OK.

No Nanny! The heck! I always expect a parody and then Nanny. What that means is that the issue ends quicker than I imagined. But, to be honest, as nice as it is to give Nanny a break, all those endless Mad-like articles bore me to tears. The magazine seems to be tearing at itself. Bits (Allien, Mork, the Auntie Dinger ad) seem to be from a New CRACKED. But, all those other bits are straight from 1961. I don't know what happens next but I hope they break out of this soon.

Next Issue: Do you know anyone who saw this movie?

CRACKED #163 Na-Noo! Na-You know the rest...

by Pierre L.

Hey! Look at that cover! Apparently, in October 1979, Mork & Arnold Drummond were the only things happening in America! Ahh, well. Who cares? I love 'em. And, Mork will be gone soon. Enjoy it while you can. Pop Culture is fickle as shit (if you'll pardon an old French Canadian saying).

The top of the cover promises "Rock & Roll" (nice), "Adults Vs. Kids" (not as great), "Shut-Ups" (The best), Sci-Fi (I thought that was on the cover) & "Giant Poster" (Thank goodness).

The poster says "FIGHT INFLATION...AT ANY COST!" It's bright yellow and, I guess, they don't always have to try to hard. We love them anyways.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Rita Righta - prf fder" Nice. It looks like a good issue coming up. I've got my Comedy Pants on and I'm ready to cook!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The letters are fine but...I've just put in a order for an offical CRACKED REPROTER T_SHIRT! $5.95, awesome! I can't wait to wear it. I'll post a picture when I get it. Next issue: August 14th

THE RETURN OF MORK AND MINDY: It's just like the last few issues. More an actual story with some brief moments of parody. Until, we hit page 4 (of 7) and every kid's dream begins. Barnold shows up. Barnold Drumming! Now, we've got Gary Coleman and Robin Williams in the same article, not just on the same cover. And, it's awesome.
Baronld: Got any soul food?
Mork: Sure--
Mork holds up his foot to Barnold.
BARNOLD: Forget it! I'm liable to get toe-main poisoning!

Then, Mork takes over for Mr. Drumming and becomes a Dad! And, Barnold calls him a "Sucka!" Oh, if only Fred Sanford was in this, too. Is it the funniest article? Not really. Is the concept better than anything since the Fonz got visited by a UFO? Damn straight. Read and enjoy.

CRACKED'S INVENTORY OF PERSONAL SPENDING HABITS: You know you're a Cheapskate/ Spendthrift When... I've never been a huge fan of these sorts of artciles and this one doesn't convert me. "You spend more on a long-distance call than the fare it would take to fly there!" Guess which one that is? "You go to a museum and they don't have a postcard shop, so you buy a painting instead!" "You trade your dog for a few chickens so you'll have free breakfast egss!" Guess and guess. I can do this all day but...

AND YET ONCE AGAIN STILL EVEN SOME MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: This one is four pages of mirth and it has a still from "Brewster McCloud" One of my favorite films. Where's the DVD? This is always a pretty solid series. And, this article is no dfferent. It touches my funny bone and jiggles.

COLONEL JIM DANDY'S GUIDE TO GOOD MANNERS FOR DISCRIMINATIN' COWPOKES 'N' BUCKEROOS: Great title, huh? I love the illustrations in this one. 100% Pure Whitehead. There's a big sexction on "Courtin' and a Squirin' Womenfolk". A bit on "Hospitality and Table Manners". A page on "Engagement and Hitchin' Ceremonies". It's mostly cowpoke jokes and such and I'm not sure if it's actually funny but it's got a real nice flow to it and sometime that means a little more.

ONE DAY IN THE NORTH WOODS: Pretty decent one-pager. A tree and a toothpick.

SUPER PEOPLE: People magazine for Superheroes. "Dr. Marcus Chung demonstrates special acupuncture he employs to cure Super Heroes of their aches and bruises." This involves a sledgehammer to the lower back and, oddly, a really hot nurse with a short skirt that either shows of the bottoms of her super outfit or her panties. I can't figure out which. Here are the heroes we meet:
The Green Zephyr shows you how to be a cheap date.
The Blue Funk - who works as a Super Market Price Changer
The Purple Peacock & his fashions
Kid Demon and his sandwich delivery. (He flies to your window.)
The Fuchsia Minx & The Azure Hunk and their honeymoon.
The Silver Wrench is a great golfer!
The Green Kangaroo skies up Mount Everest.
The Purple Pelican lets his kite fly in.
Captain Drizzle hunts without bullets! (Read it and find out.)
Sgt. Sonic is a boozer!
Major Dynamo spins around on disco floors, putting on a great light show.

They're great, aren't they?

HOW ADULTS DRIVE KIDS NUTS: Two pages and they seem to be a long two pages. All the jokes they use here are ones you could have thought up on your own. And, the drawings aren't even that interesting. This one (along with the cheap/ rich bit) seem like filler. There seems to be a great issue bursting out but it keeps getting restrained by these day-old articles. They're hard, crusty and a little moldy.

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR...ah...ah...MEMORY: Are you having trouble with your memory? Can CRACKED help you? Darn straight! The very interesting thing abut this one is on Page 34. There is a section on remembering a phone number an atrractive woman or man gives you. The drawing of the woman doesn't seem to be finished. At first glance, she seems to be naked. A second glance will show that she isn't but, my God, this is a rsique drawing for CRACKED! I love it so much! Is this a LATE NIGHT CRACKED issue and I missed something? If I was 9 and I read this, well, I would have learned something new about my body, if you know what I mean.

WHEN TV GOES COMPLETELY SCI FI: More Whitehead Art! On the Cover of "TV Guise", we get a drawing of the cast for "Little House on the Asteroid". This is followed by two pages of TV listings. "Happier Dazes" "With tonight's episode the nostalgic comedy is updated to the 1900's, where they still play 1950's music. In this episode, a space ship.." etc etc. This would be the best ever except for "the 1900's" It's updated from the 1950's to the 1900's? Huh? The rest of the article grinds on with parodies of every single show that's popular at that moment. It's all sci-fi'd up! And, it's lengthy!

ROCK AND ROLL YOUR EYEBALLS OUT: 7 pages of an Assistant Clerk at a grocery store becoming a big rock 'n' roll star. A lot of "Tune of..." sort of things. You Light Up My Like, Stayin' Alive, Hound Dog and others are parodied. This is OK. I'm not feeling terribly thrilled about this one. I wish I could. It gives me Grease feelings and those are never good.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE WEDDING KING: Hi, Nanny. She interviews the president and owner of Silver City Caterers, a Mr. Joe Mainpoisoning. Another poisoning joke? What was happening to the staff of CRACKED this month? The weddings he plans are ripoffs and he's a jerk. But, Nanny rips him a new one. Did she ever get married, I wonder? Maybe it's just me but...Nanny has huge boobs. What's with the erotic tinge to this issue? I'm almost afraid to turn to the Shut-Ups.

SHUT-UPS

1-Ants!
2-Pedals!
3-Home Movies!

Total - More beautiful than the Mona Lisa. Thank you for cleansing me, O Sweet Shut-Ups!

BACK COVER: TRAINING THE DOG - We're going Whitehead crazy! A decent one-pager but nothing great. Isn't the back cover part of the sales pitch for this thing? Couldn't they have smacked out a better gag?

Maybe it's my stomach but this issue tailed off fast. An article or two was high quality but most of it was treading water. I never lose faith in CRACKED but sometimes they try my patience. I know. They'll follow that with "You should try mine." And, then I'd kick 'em right in the slats.

Next Issue: It's no fun bein' an Evil Alien.

Cracked #162: Two Arnolds in a Row!

Cracked #162
September 1979
by Pierre L.

The cover is pretty darn charming. It has "C.E. Severin" written on the bottom. Who is that? This isn't our normal Severin. And, check out that swinging pee-yellow background. I'd love to know why they kept using that color. It's not particularly pleasing.

POSTER: "DO NOT READ THIS POSTER" & assorted warnings. In the end, you have to place yourself under arrest for having read this. Well, I read it and I'm beginning my two-year sentence tomorrow. I am writing this to help you.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Will I. Goof - pruuf rder Certainly, Coleman is here. Mr. Gary Coleman. And, there is a small picture of the "DO NOT READ THIS POSTER" poster. So, I did it again. Four years now. God, I am a French Canadian Schmuck!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 10th There's not much excitement in this one. Although, the Editors do call one of their readers "Stupid!" so that's pretty awesome.

DIFF'RENT STROKES: Notice that the title has not been goofed with. We really are in a strange era here. The 6-page story is kind of a parody. It keeps referencing the fact that Kimberly and Willis don't do a lot, especially Kimberly. And, it mentions that Arnold is the one everyone comes to watch and that the show just lays there when he's not on it. But, apart from that, it's a straightforward DS storyline. Arnold is trying to make money. Willis is in love with Mary Jean Figlips but she won't give him the time of day. They joke around. "Mrs. Carrot" is washing "Conold" in the sink. Why? "He came down this morning all black." Great stuff like that.

We are officially in the era of CRACKED where it's more important to provide a little extra taste of people's favorites every week rather than parodying it. You don't need to parody Diff'rent Strokes and Mork & Mindy so often. So, there's another motive. This is it.

Frankly, it's pretty awesome.

THE CRACKED THEORY ON THE RELATIVITY OF TIME: One side is "The year between your annual trip to the dentist seems like only a week." BUT! "The hour you spend actually in the dentist's chair seems like a year!" It's all like that. Some pretty entertaining drawings but I'm not much of a fan of this sort of article. It seems very 8-year-old to me but the actual content of the back & forths isn't really for that age group. Were 40-year-olds breaking into hysterics over the fact that working for two weeks feels like two years while vacationing for two weeks feels like two days?...Say, that is kind of funny.

THE CRACKED FACT PACK: HOUSING: Fairly entertaining. Lots of jokes about caves and igloos and a joke about the "Lone Arranger" and Tonto. A scene from the 1800's has three guys looking at plans for a home. One of them says "It's nicely layed out.[sic]" Another guy says "Yeah, real nice." But, he's looking at a large breasted School Marm passing by! Ho Ho! That's Late Night! There's a lot of text mixed with drawings and some Cracked Lens-style bits, including a photo from Freebie and the Bean. Great freakin' movie. The article is actually quite charming and has a fun flow. In fact, if you wanted to show someone one article that might be "100% Pure Cracked", then this is it.

SAGEBRUSH: Always amusing.

AND YET ONCE AGAIN STILL SOME MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: 5 pages of gag-whackery! I don't remember any of these so it was fun to read. Some of them are amusing, some of them are so dumb I felt embarrassed and looked around the room to make sure no one could see me reading it. But, in the end, fun wins out.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A GOLF COURSE: The jokes for this long running article (not the golf course bit, the CRACKED LOOK bit)are as stale as ever. Bad puns, strange associations and bits that make no real sense ("Well if you don't want to wait at the church, how about caddying for us?" said by a golfer to a woman in a bridal gown). But, if you start in the top left hand corner and let your eye flow along, it's got a nice feel to it. I didn't laugh but I appreciated the art behind it. Huzzah!

This next paragraph is by my young cousin Danielle H.

PRODUCTS DESIGNED FOR OVERWEIGHT AMERICANS: A subscription to "Stout's Illustrated" awaits you! Elephantine Jeans, Horses for Fat People, Big Q-Tips, the 1979 Troyota Manhanlder and stocking woven of steel...All these things await you within. Let fat people be as fat as they want to be! CRACKED will create a whole new world for them! Just have a look at this yuck-filled article! It's full of yuks!

Danielle really loves CRACKED and he's a chubby chaser.

Back to me...Pierre L!

CRACKED'S PLAYFUL WAYS TO MAKE WORK FUN: Walk your dog while on a skateboard. Pretend the garbage bag is a football while you're taking out the trash. And, my favorite, have you friends wear cleated shoes and play tag on the front lawn to pick up all the leaves. The best part about this one is that the three guys we see are all in their 30's. The guy who has his friends over to play tag in the yard has a big mustache. Many's the day I would invite my friends over for wine, cheese and a merry game of tag in the yard. Sometimes I wonder...was everyone who made CRACKED drunk all the time?

TYPICAL COLLEGE REGISTRAR'S BULLETIN BOARD: Colleges are starting to suffer from low enrollment. So, they hire really hot professors, promise classes shown entirely on TV (with special appearances from characters in Sesame Street!) and offer rebates for taking classes. This one feels like it should rocket off into the Satire Stratosphere. But, it really just kinds of sits there and, three pages later, I can't remember a darn thing that happened in it.

SHYLOCK HOMES AND THE CASE OF THE LIFTED LOCKET: A good time. Homes and Whatson investigate the theft of a locket and the disappearance of a wealthy gentleman. Some of the jokes are funny. Some made me groan so hard it shattered all my furniture. (Whatson asks which school Homes went to. "Elementary, my dear Whatson, Elementary.") The cool thing in this one is the return of...[MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD]...The Talking Blob! He's back! The attempt to stop him back in Issue #152 failed and he's talking and eating everyone. Eating them alive. It's pretty darn funny. I like this article. More of these, please.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE PSYCHIATRIC KING: This is good Nanny. She debunks those shysters in the psychiatric field. You know what? They're all nuts! The Psych King looks a lot like Dr. Sivana and that made me smile. Man, I loved SHAZAM! when I was a kid. And, you know what, I think it loved me.

SHUT-UPS:
1) Nice
2) Ice
3) Paradise

Total: Better than a big rack of Rubbed Ribs!

BACK COVER - THE TRAFFIC JAM: A one-pager. Very amusing and very yellow.

All in all, a decent issue. Nothing spectacular but a decently wrapped collection of laughs, groans and things best left forgotten.

Next issue: Guess who's back? (Well, if Gary Coleman was on this one, then the next one should be...?)

Cracked #161 - Mork & Arnold...Wish I Was There

Cracked #161
August 1979
by Pierre L.

Great cover. The two big TV stars of the Summer of 1979 spending some time together. Oh, I smile! Interesting background color, too.

The poster is big and yellow and revolves around leaving a space for complaints. There's a tiny white box on the bottom. Hey! You can't fit too many comments in there! Cracked, you whomped me again!

CONTENTS - D. Moted is this month's pruf rdder. Looks like a fun issue. Oh, and I found out why Sylvester bought two ice cream sodas for the hottest stars on TV...To cool them off! Get the hell out of my office!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS - There's the IQ King groping Nanny again. Boy, they love that image. (Boy, I love that image.) Next issue - June 5th. Best bit: A snooty man with a long mustache hovers over the "Friends of Cracked" names and says: "Hellooo, Professor C.W. Peppersnuce here for Cracked magazine. As you can see, my mustache surrounds the names of those persons who received Cracked at their homes." It's little bits like this that makes me wonder who the new writer was. Occasionally, we've been seeing little snippets of this. A joke that is just a bit more clever than the average Cracked joke. Others will appear.

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MORK & MINDY - Odd one. Certainly fun to read. But, not a parody. As the cover says, "Back By Demand" means that they've written an M&M article that could almost be an episode of the show. The couple go to Los Angeles for a vacation. Mork gets on the wrong bus and ends up as an extra on "The Chic of Araby" and then speaks to "Awesome" in the end. Apart from constantly breaking down the Fourth Wall and referencing the show's conventions, this is a straightforward M&M story. Almost like some sort of fan fiction or (as I've mentioned before) a portable episode of M&M before VCRs entered every home. Mork and Mindy don't even have joke names. It's interesting and fun and if it's purpose is to give kids an episode to access at all times, then it worked. It is not really a parody of anything, however. Although Mork's yell of "Right arm! Gravy!", instead of "Right on! Groovy!", when he's trying to be cool, is excellent.

LAST WORDS BEFORE THE HANG UP - Nudists, Ku Klux Klan members, potential suicides, crazed (possibly Nazi) bikers and Superman combine into two pages of hilarity that could have been from an issue in the late 50's with new drawings to update it. For example: The Ku Klux Klan guy, with ear to phone, is listening to a very jivey black man talk about how much he loves his daughter. Suffice it to say, these are the "Last words before the hang up". And, maybe, the last words of that caller's life. Does this article match up to the same age group as the previous one? I loved it but I'm an idiot.

Oh, there's a third page with celebrities getting calls. Woody Allen, John Travolta, Farah Fawcett...things like that. I'll let you get the jokes yourselves. Mail them to me.

SUPER MS - A Magazine for Lady Superheroes. And, it's pretty darn entertaining. The cover features LADY DISCO! She changes costumes before, during and after every adventure! And, she's being attacked by John Travolta with a huge knife. Nice! The insides are advice columns, stories about Dynamic Doll putting some ladies on Mt. Rushmore, wearing a safe on your head to keep your balance, using a special Atomic perfume to attract super guys, throwing manhole covers and things like that. It's a good article.

AND YET ONCE AGAIN STILL MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS - 4 pages of yuks and guffaws. This is the one with the guy in bed with the skeleton. The skeleton asks the guy if her 'beauty sleep' is doing any good. It also has the picture of the guy being thrown of the balcony. This one's a classic. They're printed it a 1000% times. Enjoy it for the first time here!

THE CRACKED WORLD OF TEENAGERS - Hey! Those rock shows are real loud! Hey! Teenage girls talk on the phone a lot and act weird around boys! Hey! That one kid called that other kid "CLONE-O!" Well, that last one is new. I like the large panel with the folks at the rock show. The way it's drawn I kept thinking they were in a college lecture hall. I like the one "teenager" with the Letterman sweater on who seems to be straight out of a 1930's college film. Way to keep up with the times, everyone!

I can't stop smiling when I think of "CLONE!" being used like Nerd. That's good stuff.

IF GARY COLEMAN PLAYED OTHER PARTS - Incredible Hulk. Superman. The Godfather. The Hero in a John Wayne Western. All good. Arnold talks about chitlins a lot. He turns into the Hulk and Mork makes an appearance. Really, if you loved Coleman, like I loved Coleman, this was manna. This is an article you need to see. It's that good.

PHOTOON - Decent one-page gag. I enjoy these. I wonder if they were ever collected together somewhere.

CRACKED INVESTIGATES I.F.O.'s (Identified Flying Objects) - People see things like a man flying a kite. People report upon being transported in a plane. People report about going to see Superman The Movie. It's pretty amusing but it's very text-heavy and the joke is good for two pages, tops. Four is a touch too long. And, it seems like it might be in the wrong magazine. But, this time it's not that it should be in MAD. Remember Bananas?

THEW NEW POLOGLOID(R) NO-STEP CAMERA - Very funny one-pager that seems to be from the same joke space as the man with the voluminous mustache from earlier.

The GREATEST TV SHOW EVER MADE - "Life in the Neilson Arms" Boo Boo Kitty has been stolen. And, Laverne & Shirley & Mork & the Fonz & Battlestar Galactica & The Odd Couple & Archie and Edith & Lou Grant & Fantasy Island and everyone makes an appearance as they try to rescue it. In the end, who is the kidnapper? Don Rickles! (Remember his charming comebacks? "Sit down, you son of a bitch!" And, "You're one ugly MF, son of a bitch!" So, so charming.) Why? Because, he has just been cancelled on C.P.O. Sharkey and two "Don Rickles Shows". He's bitter. ("Your wife's a whore, you Sh*tbasket! Sonofabitch!" God, he makes me laugh.)

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE FASHION KING - Best joke: We see the King's latest model...she's a skeleton. Nice. Apart from that & Nanny's charms, this one's a bit on the bland side. In fact, these interviews are beginning to sort of drag down the end of these issues for me. Sort of like the last song on an album that goes on way too long or tries to experiment and becomes a bit tiresome. Does Nanny retire? Sorry Nanny.

SHUT-UPS

1 - Fat
2 - Fat
3 - Angel

Total - One Fat Angel

BACK COVER - Great Moments in Transportation. Ralph Waldo Tarzinksi. Why is Tarzan Polish here? Does that mean something? There's a vine and Tarzan has some other folks attached going to work. It's OK. I can't imagine looking at it in the store and saying "I'll buy that!" but, now that I have, it's OK.

A good issue. Solid CRACKED is always good for the soul. This issue has a lot of charm and some solid laughs. Well done, fellas.

Next issue: A diff'rent cover artist. (You see what I did there?)