Cracked #162
September 1979
by Pierre L.
The cover is pretty darn charming. It has "C.E. Severin" written on the bottom. Who is that? This isn't our normal Severin. And, check out that swinging pee-yellow background. I'd love to know why they kept using that color. It's not particularly pleasing.
POSTER: "DO NOT READ THIS POSTER" & assorted warnings. In the end, you have to place yourself under arrest for having read this. Well, I read it and I'm beginning my two-year sentence tomorrow. I am writing this to help you.
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Will I. Goof - pruuf rder Certainly, Coleman is here. Mr. Gary Coleman. And, there is a small picture of the "DO NOT READ THIS POSTER" poster. So, I did it again. Four years now. God, I am a French Canadian Schmuck!
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 10th There's not much excitement in this one. Although, the Editors do call one of their readers "Stupid!" so that's pretty awesome.
DIFF'RENT STROKES: Notice that the title has not been goofed with. We really are in a strange era here. The 6-page story is kind of a parody. It keeps referencing the fact that Kimberly and Willis don't do a lot, especially Kimberly. And, it mentions that Arnold is the one everyone comes to watch and that the show just lays there when he's not on it. But, apart from that, it's a straightforward DS storyline. Arnold is trying to make money. Willis is in love with Mary Jean Figlips but she won't give him the time of day. They joke around. "Mrs. Carrot" is washing "Conold" in the sink. Why? "He came down this morning all black." Great stuff like that.
We are officially in the era of CRACKED where it's more important to provide a little extra taste of people's favorites every week rather than parodying it. You don't need to parody Diff'rent Strokes and Mork & Mindy so often. So, there's another motive. This is it.
Frankly, it's pretty awesome.
THE CRACKED THEORY ON THE RELATIVITY OF TIME: One side is "The year between your annual trip to the dentist seems like only a week." BUT! "The hour you spend actually in the dentist's chair seems like a year!" It's all like that. Some pretty entertaining drawings but I'm not much of a fan of this sort of article. It seems very 8-year-old to me but the actual content of the back & forths isn't really for that age group. Were 40-year-olds breaking into hysterics over the fact that working for two weeks feels like two years while vacationing for two weeks feels like two days?...Say, that is kind of funny.
THE CRACKED FACT PACK: HOUSING: Fairly entertaining. Lots of jokes about caves and igloos and a joke about the "Lone Arranger" and Tonto. A scene from the 1800's has three guys looking at plans for a home. One of them says "It's nicely layed out.[sic]" Another guy says "Yeah, real nice." But, he's looking at a large breasted School Marm passing by! Ho Ho! That's Late Night! There's a lot of text mixed with drawings and some Cracked Lens-style bits, including a photo from Freebie and the Bean. Great freakin' movie. The article is actually quite charming and has a fun flow. In fact, if you wanted to show someone one article that might be "100% Pure Cracked", then this is it.
SAGEBRUSH: Always amusing.
AND YET ONCE AGAIN STILL SOME MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: 5 pages of gag-whackery! I don't remember any of these so it was fun to read. Some of them are amusing, some of them are so dumb I felt embarrassed and looked around the room to make sure no one could see me reading it. But, in the end, fun wins out.
A CRACKED LOOK AT A GOLF COURSE: The jokes for this long running article (not the golf course bit, the CRACKED LOOK bit)are as stale as ever. Bad puns, strange associations and bits that make no real sense ("Well if you don't want to wait at the church, how about caddying for us?" said by a golfer to a woman in a bridal gown). But, if you start in the top left hand corner and let your eye flow along, it's got a nice feel to it. I didn't laugh but I appreciated the art behind it. Huzzah!
This next paragraph is by my young cousin Danielle H.
PRODUCTS DESIGNED FOR OVERWEIGHT AMERICANS: A subscription to "Stout's Illustrated" awaits you! Elephantine Jeans, Horses for Fat People, Big Q-Tips, the 1979 Troyota Manhanlder and stocking woven of steel...All these things await you within. Let fat people be as fat as they want to be! CRACKED will create a whole new world for them! Just have a look at this yuck-filled article! It's full of yuks!
Danielle really loves CRACKED and he's a chubby chaser.
Back to me...Pierre L!
CRACKED'S PLAYFUL WAYS TO MAKE WORK FUN: Walk your dog while on a skateboard. Pretend the garbage bag is a football while you're taking out the trash. And, my favorite, have you friends wear cleated shoes and play tag on the front lawn to pick up all the leaves. The best part about this one is that the three guys we see are all in their 30's. The guy who has his friends over to play tag in the yard has a big mustache. Many's the day I would invite my friends over for wine, cheese and a merry game of tag in the yard. Sometimes I wonder...was everyone who made CRACKED drunk all the time?
TYPICAL COLLEGE REGISTRAR'S BULLETIN BOARD: Colleges are starting to suffer from low enrollment. So, they hire really hot professors, promise classes shown entirely on TV (with special appearances from characters in Sesame Street!) and offer rebates for taking classes. This one feels like it should rocket off into the Satire Stratosphere. But, it really just kinds of sits there and, three pages later, I can't remember a darn thing that happened in it.
SHYLOCK HOMES AND THE CASE OF THE LIFTED LOCKET: A good time. Homes and Whatson investigate the theft of a locket and the disappearance of a wealthy gentleman. Some of the jokes are funny. Some made me groan so hard it shattered all my furniture. (Whatson asks which school Homes went to. "Elementary, my dear Whatson, Elementary.") The cool thing in this one is the return of...[MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD]...The Talking Blob! He's back! The attempt to stop him back in Issue #152 failed and he's talking and eating everyone. Eating them alive. It's pretty darn funny. I like this article. More of these, please.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE PSYCHIATRIC KING: This is good Nanny. She debunks those shysters in the psychiatric field. You know what? They're all nuts! The Psych King looks a lot like Dr. Sivana and that made me smile. Man, I loved SHAZAM! when I was a kid. And, you know what, I think it loved me.
SHUT-UPS:
1) Nice
2) Ice
3) Paradise
Total: Better than a big rack of Rubbed Ribs!
BACK COVER - THE TRAFFIC JAM: A one-pager. Very amusing and very yellow.
All in all, a decent issue. Nothing spectacular but a decently wrapped collection of laughs, groans and things best left forgotten.
Next issue: Guess who's back? (Well, if Gary Coleman was on this one, then the next one should be...?)
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