Friday, December 07, 2007

Cracked #153: The Glory of Fonzarelli Rains Down!

Cracked #154
by Pierre L
September 1978

There is the cover and it is beautiful. I'm looking at the actual magazine itself right now and I am smiling. Thank you, Cracked. You nailed this one and, yes, you nailed me.

POSTER: SOS (Save Our Sharks) Jaws has returned and pop culture is going fishy again. Regardless, the yellow background remains.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: From now on, I'm skipping the proof reader thing. If a really good one comes up, I'll tell you. "Could this be FONZIE cloning around again, or has earth been invaded by the coolest aliens of all?"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: One page. Swift kick. July 11th - Next Ish.

THE HAPPY DAZES' CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND: There is no plot. There is just greatness. All the guys go out to Inspirational Point to make out with ladies. The Fonz is there. A UFO lands and it is filled with tiny Fonzies. All cloned from the Fonz. The planet is called Ultra Kool. All women are tiny and cute. All men, except one, are tiny and Fonz. The Great Exalted Gumba looks like Potsey. Oh no!

This article is wonderful. I need to assemble a regular issue binder of CRACKED Fonz appearances. I must!

There are so many great moments here but the description of Ultra Kool populated with Fonzies is the best. There are mirrors everywhere. Pinballs and combs become the natural industry. And, only four articles of men's clothing are sold. Jeans, white T-shirts, leather jackets and boots. The Fonz does not wear underpants.

When the women came to Earth to pick someone to clone, their other choices were:
Richard Nixon
Abe Vigoda
Robert Redford
Telly Savalas
Peter Graves
Paul Newman
Billy Carter
John Wayne
John Travolta

Best article, possibly, ever.

IF THE "FAMILY HOUR" EXTENDED INTO OUR EVERYDAY LIVES: It's what you'd expect but at two pages it doesn't disappoint. Everyone is cool. Everyone has superpowers. Leonard Nimoy is sent in search of lost children. Stuff like that. It's a breeze article. It speeds you towards the next one.

BROTHER BILLY AS PREZ: Billy Carter has Billy Beer and a big gut. What Jimmy did wrong is on the left side. The way Billy will improve it is on the right. You know...Jimmy failed to solve our fuel crisis. Billy will show the nation how to get well oiled! We see Billy on TV with a can of Billy Beer saying "Never drink Billy beer while drivin' may spill some of it!" Leave it to MAD, guys. Luckily, it's only three pages and it's not text-heavy. And, the Billy panels are pretty good. I'm hoping we climb back on track, though.

INCURABLY CRACKED: A warm-up for The CRACKED Lens. Three pages of stills from movies with word balloon gags. Kind of tough to describe in a review. This is no more funny or less funny than future installments of The C.L.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO FISHING: This one is much more free form than previous Guides. There's a poem and not all the pictures have captions. There are no new jokes here but the drawings are funny. This is a good guide. If I had to make a "Best of Guides" issue, this would be in there.

A CRACKED LOOK AT HOUSE PETS: Same as the STATE PEN LOOK from the previous issue. Four pages. A mix of multiple panels and single panels and panorama panel gags. The third and fourth pages have a mini-LOOK AT section. Still no new jokes. There are more writers than ever on this issue but what are they writing?

THE CRACKED HISTORY OF HUMOR: This one basically proceeds through history. Each panel has a year and an old joke in it. 1843 - Hotel. "You've got to make your own bed." "OK." "Here's a hammer and saw..." That kind of thing. They have taken the "no new jokes" mandate and twisted it onto its side. 2/15/1906 - An elevator operator says "What did one elevator say to the other?" A lady responds with "I think I'm coming down with something." You know what, it's old as a very old guy but I'm enjoying it.

April 4, 1957 - CRACKED is born

SAGEBRUSH: A good one. I guess he's back.

THE CRACKED ALMANAC: "A collection of hundreds of useless, incorrect facts in easy reference form." Funny. A series of lies stated as fact in almanac format. Good stuff.

Here a few I like:

If you mix 3 pounds of mud with 5 quarts of milk -
You will have wasted 5 quarts of perfectly good milk for nothing!

5 Numbers Seldom Used by Hungarians -
72 67 112 Plaza 2-7000 1,763,158,204,706

The word BORING becomes a totally different word when spelled backwards:
GNIROB meaning "bird repairman"

They also list the rules of Crowbar Ball. Email me for details.

Great article.

THE STARRY-EYED ASTRONOMER: Great one-pager. Old joke, good presentation.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH: I never liked Eight is Enough. I found it kind of depressing. But, all the clutter of all the people makes for a pretty amusing parody. The kids have dumb "problems". Mom gets lots of food delivered every day. And, no one is sure what Dad does for a living. This is a decent parody. If you're a fan, this one might be kick-arse.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE ROCK 'N' ROLL KING: Nanny! I like this one. Rock concert jokes. They get bad seats but that's because "they have connections". Gene Simmons is at a B-B-Q to light the grill! Dicky Deadbeat is not very smart but he's a star. (Dicky Deadbeat - Only Beatniks are allowed into CRACKED, circa 1978!) In the end, Nanny decides she wants to be a rock star. Go for it, Nanny!



Total - Forever Young

BACK COVER - The first vet gets eaten by a tiger. Drollery, thy name is CRACKED!

It's a good issue. Not a great one but solid, fun CRACKED. The Happy Daze article and the cover put it in the Classic Pantheon. I wish the rest was as good but...what can you do? Read and enjoy.

One thing: On the cover, why does Ralph Malph's jacket say "Potsy" on the back? Why is Ralph wearing Potsy's jacket at Inspirational Point? The mind boggles.

Next issue: Bruce is Back!

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