Saturday, July 24, 2010

Cracked Circulation

At the end of every year, CRACKED places the "Statement of Publication and so forth" in the Lettuce page. And, every year, I casually mention it and move on. Well, I've just gone through a batch of them to check the circulation throughout the years I love. It's interesting. I list the year then the issue that this info came from. Usually, March came out in December.

1972 (May 1973): 325,762
1973 (May 1974): 550,052
1974 (March 1975): 880,000
1975 (March 1976): 1,015,210
1976 (March 1977): 806,922
1977 (March 1978): 904,916
1978 (March 1979): 884,392
1979 (March 1980): 866,017
1980 (March 1981): 855,918
1981 (March 1982): 728,501
1982 (March 1983): 653,721
1983 (March 1984): 579,728
1984 (March 1985): 533,320

They shot way up and them dropped down...1985 is when Bob Sproul left. Probably a wise choice. (That's when I leave too.)

1976 was The Year of The Fonz. Strange that the circulation dropped. 1977 was the Year of Star Wars. It goes back up.

I'd love to know why they passed a million in 1975. Anyone? What was happening to MAD that year?

Cracked #186: What is the left side of the cell against?

May 1982
by Pierre L.

As Barney Miller drew to a close (in its 8th season), the Folks from CRACKED return for one more parody. Fish is long gone. He embarked on his solo career. He was replaced by Steve Hogarth and they're still going strong. Having everyone moving around on the cover is cool. That little peek of a bulletin board on the left is nice. Look behind Barney, on the ground. Moulding. Implying a hallway. All of that is great. But, then you look behind the cell. What's with that green? And, what is the left side of the cell against. Is there a wall there? I can't quite tell. I think there is. Yeah. If you look behind the paintbrush, there is an implied corner. But, still, a real wall is needed for the joke to work. It could have been handled a little better.

Regardless...this is CRACKED, not the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Inside?

A bright yellow poster with black lettering awaits us. Some kid had walls in his room that looked like some kind of giant strange bee. I can't imagine any parent being thrilled by this color covering the walls. I'm getting a little nauseous looking at it now.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: pr-f rddrr still Luke N. See 4 writers. And some fun stuff approaching.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The accountant is still a tightwad. There is a Jaws-related SUPER CRACKED on the stands. Next issue - March 9th The Saboteurs & Investigators are all over this. We'll have to talk more about them soon.

BLARNEY MILLER: There are some different cats members but the jokes are exactly the same. Wacky prisoners. Talk of "plots" and filling up their half hours. A guy brings in 100 pounds of squid because he misread "SQUAD ROOM". That one guy is in a designer suit. That other guy is still Polish. Stuff like that. The show would go off the air soon so they were giving it one last go. Somehow it doesn't ring quite as true as giving M*A*S*H a final jab but...If only everyone on this show were nude.

CRACKED'S PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE: Some funny bits. Pictures matched with write-ups. My favorite: A little boy throws money in the air. "A two-year old boy living in Idaho will become the youngest millionaire in American history after winning the Idaho state lottery. (But will end up blowing it all on Tab and the three-year-old next door.)" There is a three-armed Brooke Shields and a giant spider. (Not in the same photos.) Two pages of giggles.

IF T.V. COMMERCIALS WERE FORCED TO TELL THE TRUTH: A good bit. "Bunty Paper Towels" "Poopsi Cola" "Mail-Order Records" "Stanka Coffee" "Alpoo Dog Food" I love the Sam Whitehead art matched with these parodies. The commercials come rushing right back to my memory. This bit actually seems like it should have been in another magazine I used to read as a kid but I don't remember which one. Bananas? Maybe it was. The Stanka coffee bit brings me giggles.

CRACKED "YOU KNOW YOU'RE _______ WHEN"'S: "ugly...better stop sewing...better find another's time to clean your room...staying at a lousy hotel..." Oh well, it started off strong. The art is fun but the gags are strictly 1912. John Bunny was more up-to-date.

VIDEO GAMES OF THE FUTURE: Great stuff! And, at three pages, way too short. Multi-Movie Maze "Object of game is for player to buy some popcorn at the snack counter, and then return to correct movie from which he exited. Player must avoid getting zapped by hostile crowd at snack counter or being side tracked by video games in lobby." Good stuff like that. The "All-Sports Players Strike" is an empty baseball field. "Nothing happens for entire length of game." The third page has "Custom-made celebrity video games" for Dracula and Billy Martin, Gary Coleman, Mean Joe Greene & Mork. All great, all the time.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN UPPER CLASS & MIDDLE CLASS: Oh well. They're really trying to make a point here, aren't they? What that point might be...I couldn't tell you. Upper class on one side and Middle class on the other. hey! The Middle class struggles and doesn't have as much money as the rich. I truly thought this article might be making a point but it's really just taking up space until the next article...

CRACKED LOOK AT TEACHER TYPES: Oh crap. This is the next article. At least it's only two pages. Mr. Hip is an old hippie. Mr. Buddy-Buddy is your pal. Miss America is hot. Mr. Impossible gives tough tests. Mr. Pierre is bored.

THREE'SA COMPANY: Well, it's got the Whitehead art. But, what is the fascination with really old sitcoms here? Last issue, The Jeffersons. This one, BM & this one, in it's 6th season, I believe. The art is funny but most of the actual jokes (written) aren't, But, Sybill Smythe - Sylvester's younger sister, shows up in the end. "With all their family knows about the janitorial profession, we should really sweep up in the Nielson's now!" There's no real plot. It just kind of goes from gag to gag about the show's make-up and then it ends. It's OK. But, the BM parody was like this, too. Two in the same issue make me a little sleepy.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE Featuring Jeff Keate: Two pages off one-panel gags. pretty amusing.

A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH RONALD REAGAN: In the BM parody, a woman asks "What President Reagan meant about the ketchup?" I think that refers to when the U.S. gov't classified ketchup as a vegetable or something. That thought is funnier than this bit. And, this bit goes on for 5 pages... Nanny Dickering is there and she makes a joke about saving "$1.80". Oh, that tightwad! The Talking Blob is there, too. I'm not particularly chuffed on this bit.

COLLISION COURSES: Two pages of...a dog about to meet up with a cat...a burglar about to meet up with a cop...Sylvester about to meet up with Alfred...I guess it's OK. The issue's kind of wound away from us.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XI: Only two pages. As funny as ever...but only two pages?

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SOAP OPERA KING: More Nanny. She interviews Mr. Bud Suds. They mention Dallas. Mr. Suds id preparing a show called "Houston". "See the struggles of R. J. Uwing!" I'll watch it. Yep. Soap operas are repetitive and they can make some people cry. It goes on like this. I don't think Nanny's really tightening any screws here. It is what it is. Some funny gags about soap operas although I'd rather be watching Dallas.

1 - driving
2 - plants
3 - Nelson, Willie

Final Tally - MERV!!! I giggled and told my cat to "Shut Up!" There is a strange bit at the top of the page. A little man with a ring and string out of his back. "Pull the ring and hear a very funny joke." What the heck?

GREAT MOMENTS IN EDUCATION: A Pharaoh starts a speed-reading course. Slaves get hurt!

You know, the issue started with an ass-kick and then it faded and sort of just caught back up to itself by the end. Maybe the next one will be better.

Next issue: Finally, we're out to sea! Literally...Come and see the laughs.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

CRACKED #185: Right Through The Cover!

by Pierre L.
March 1982

Fun cover! And, for once, the bland background is perfect. If The Dukes are leaping through the air, then the background behind them would be blue. And, they're tearing through the magazine. Granted, there could be something on the white page but I like to think that they're bursting through a blank page.

Let's go in...

POSTER: Yellow background...Now, I have to pee. "JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST METRICS: WE DON'T WANT NO FOREIGN RULERS." This comedy makes me feel funny...downstairs.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. See is back as the pr rdr. Lots of writers on this one. I see George Jefferson. Why are the contents always out of order? Is that a joke I missed the set-up for?

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - January 26th, 1982. The Tightwad accountant is still here. And, there is another "Statement of Ownership, Management & Circulation". Hooray! Average copies printed per month: 728,501. Subscribers: 384, 587. I forget if they're doing better than they were. It's in one the previous entries.

THE DORKS OF HAZARDOUS: Bossy Hog is up to some crazy shit! He overhears Dizzy Dork saying something about hiding her tips in a coffee can. So, Bossy and Sheriff Rascal arrange the "The 13th Annual Round Hazzardous County Car Derby!" No one (including Bob Sproul) can remember the first 12 but Boo & Cuke get pulled in. And, a crazy race ensues as Uncle Fussy is distracted away. And, in the end, Dizzy was talking about asparagus tips and those two daffy dimwits (the law, not the Dorks) go to jail! Ha...The whole thing curves along with some really bad jokes but entertaining art.

How long do you think it took them to come up with those names?

MORE PRESS MISTAKES: Funny bit. "Your husband will be surprised at the great stew that can be made from this new cookbook!" A woman is shown cooking her cookbook. "Look for Sam's Sewer Service under water in the yellow pages!" A man is underwater flipping through the phone book. Two pages of these and they're pretty amusing. Nice bit.

THE CRACKED ANNOYANCE BAROMETER: A little barometer next to each panel. A stone in your sneaker - 47. People who sit behind you during a movie and do nothing but talk - 25. One of them that doesn't have a heading but seems to be The Tonight Show - 17. Take home tests on a holiday weekend - 100. I don't know. I think these sorts of articles are long past their prime. Maybe I would have nodded at these when I was younger and said "Hell yeah!" But, I don't think so.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part X: 5 pages on this one! Panels with guys fighting but the word balloons say "You may not know how to fight, but you're a marvelous dancer." All of it this bit.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE FEATURING JEFF KEATE: I like this guy. Some funny one-panel bits here.

A CRACKED LOOK AT AN AIRPORT TERMINAL: Scan around. Is there a joke about "checking bags" that involves someone putting a big check on a bag? ...Yes, there is. Oh God, I really thought these bits were a thing of the past. They stunk in '77. They stink here.

THE CRACKED MANUAL OF MODERN MERCHANDISING METHODS: Oh, I'm worn out writing that title. "If you give your product an exotic name, you can get more money for it." "Boeuf a la maison" is a hamburger for $10.50 "If you're competing against a tough company that makes a better product at a lower price, buy the other company." You can guess the illustration. A few more bits like this. They're clever observations but the illustrations seem a bit superfluous. Or maybe the whole article is...I think the normal CRACKED way of doing stuff got in the way of this one.

THE JABBERSONS: A Jeffersons parody! Finally! Halfway through its eighth season, we get the parody all America has been waiting for. Although, I think most folks grew up while they were waiting. Why is there a Jeffersons parody here? I just answered my own question...1981-1982 - The Jeffersons was the #3 show in America. Well, the art is fun and they do seem to get the sort of things that the characters were doing on the show. But, generally, the jokes revolve from pokes at the show to standard CRACKED jokes. That's always felt odd to me but...this is a pretty darn entertaining parody in the end. And, Gary Coleman appears.

I guess I like this one.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING THE CHILD PSYCHIATRIST: One panels about child psychology. Not as funny as Bill Keate's stuff.

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE IF...: Oh well, one of these. Or, really, another one of these. "When you look out the window of your airplane...and you see the pilot parachuting by!" Luckily, there are only two pages of these. Move on.

THE CRACKED HISTORY OF AVIATION: Four pages and not bad. A lot of text and a lot of it very obvious but it's a fun read. Normally, my eyes glaze over when I see all the text lathered with the illustrations but here...I liked it. Although, as I scan through to find some jokes to use as an example, nothing really grabbed me. Hmmm...maybe I'm going goofy. it has been hot.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE CRACKED MAZAGINE KING: Nanny interviews Robert C. Sprawl (Oh yeah!). And, we see Marion Sprawl and The Talking Blob & Joe Catalanooo. In the end, Nanny interviews herself and puts all the readers to sleep. So, she throws water at us. I woke up. It's a real fun article. We see the writers at work and the artists working with nude models...and all of it seems to be done from the privacy of a small wooden shack in the center of NYC.

1 - Desk on a lady
2 - Grass is greener joke. This one isn't good. Weird.
3 - A desert island gag.

I'm going to give this a very rare Thumbs Down. They don't seem like they were trying very hard. Sorry folks.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: "Igwar Nagoolik invents reading (Unfortunately, no one had invented writing yet!)

And, a decent issue of CRACKED ends as it began: decently. A fun issue loaded with one to many articles that I would call filler. I would have loved it if they could have only released issues when they had enough material. Of course, they don't come out every month and the ones that come out after a two month break aren't appreciably better than any of the others...Forget I said anything.

Next issue: Wow! This show is still on!

Monday, July 12, 2010

CRACKED #184: Our Little Slugger

January 1982
by Pierre L.

Well, it's a funny cover but apparently the budget for layouts is gone again. Check out that "awesome" boxing ring they are standing in. Three barely defined ropes and a (sort of) line that is the edge of the ring...CRACKED, come on.

Here was what MAD had from the same month...

(Thanks, Doug.)

You gotta up the ante. Having Sylvester's face off to the side saying "BUY ME!" seems a touch...desperate. I guess it's these kind of money saving ideas that kept them going for so long.

They sure know how to milk a trend, though.

POSTER: The world's first digital wall scale...Yes, it involves your fingers. Actually, a good joke and it's not on yellow paper.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: PrufF RRfdr, For Rent. Writers for this issue - Randy Epley, Steve Doroba, Andy Lamberti, John Langton, Vonice Brady --- I see Stan Laurel, Gary Coleman and The Frankenstein Monster. Oh boy!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Here's $1.80 Our Accountant is a Tightwad!" A $1.80 discount on 12 issues of this sweet, sweet magazine. I'm sending in my coupon now.

"Mundo Loco" is still the Spanish version of CRACKED. "El Increible HULKO!" Next issue - December 15th

DIFF'RENT STROKES: The title is not changed. This is another one of those straightforward versions of the show. There are a few parody type things here but mostly it's just jokes about Arnold's height and why Kimberly has nothing to do. Mr. Drummond gets beaten up. Arnold wears stretch shocks to help him get taller. There is a joke about "On The Right Track". It's sort of, kind of a parody but really it's here to let kids enjoy a little extra shot of Conold! And, in that respect, it's fun. If you want biting parody or satire, this ain't it, Buster Brown.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAS OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part IX: A giant scorpion. A joke about an old man losing his ear at the barber's. Four pages...and I love it!

HOW DENTISTS CAN IMPROVE BUSINESS: Very busy article. Lots of stuff going on. The dentist dresses up like a turkey on Thanksgiving Day. He endorses tires. Very late office hours. A live band in the office. Folks don't go to the dentist for a good time. It's for their health. I guess this article is fun. Although, as a kid, I probably wouldn't have liked it. And, I don't like it as a grown-up. Hmmm...

THE CRACKED ENCYCLOPEDIA OF GREAT EXCUSES!: There are three pages of drawings of faces giving excuses and I skipped over Pages 2 and 3 and most of Page 1. Not really my sort of thing. Feels more like a MAD thing to me. I certainly don't spot any laughs in here.

CRACKED LOOKS AT PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCES. OR, WHAT THE TEACHERS REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY:: "Was Joey always this active?", asks the teacher as she points at scribbling on the wall. Which Means: Didn't you ever teach your kids to behave? Not a great idea, not a great article. But, it is only 1 page long so...yeah, it's all right. It took me all of 30 seconds to read and it leads into the lovely...

THE CRACKED WORLD OF VIDEO GAMES: Just some funny strips filled with video game mayhem that I love so much. Where's Blip?! Oh, yes, one guy does play the change machine. Never stops being funny! I wish I could play some of the games in this. "Coast Guard Destroy" "Space Explorers" "Blow-Up" "Zorch Patrol Game" I would have had such an awesome childhood.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: Two pages of those wacky boxes with games around them. You know! "A MILLONEION" is "One in a Million" stuff like that. They're fun but I never, ever get them right.

SORRY! NOT THIS TIME!!!: People basically saying No to terrible things about to happen to them. Pat won't watch the neighbor's bratty kids. Stan won't get underneath the giant piano. Things like that. Some fun art, some obvious jokes.

STAR DREK -- THE LAST HURRAH?: Well, it's just kind of hanging out with the crew as they meet Flash Gordon, Wonder Woman and a bunch of other fictional characters. In the end, the thing feels very similar to a Star Trek parody from a long, long time ago. (#127) All the other shows and movies are pissed at how popular Star Trek perennially is and they try to stop it all by sending the Talking Blob to eat them. If you like Star Trek, you'll like this. Personally, I wasn't thrilled. When does Wrath of Khan come out? In their own non-specific parodies, they have begun to repeat themselves.

THE JAY WALK: Pretty humorous one-pager.

FUTURE AT-HOME MERCHANDISING PARTIES: The Mystery Party, The Pet Party, The Automobile Party, The Convict Rehabilitation Party. A lot of word balloons and a lot of words. But, I'll be honest, the effort required to read everything isn't worth the jokes. Much ado about nada.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE Featuring Bill Maul: Pretty entertaining cartoons. They're so straightforward after the business of the last article...they're charming. I'd like to see more of these.

CRACKED T.V. ADDICT!: "You know you're a TV addict when..." You put down this magazine and go watch TV instead. Well, that's not one of them but you can imagine them...

"...your wife says she's leaving you, and you ask her to wait for the commercial!"
"...your list of emergency telephone numbers only includes TV repairmen!"
" own a televisions set for each channel...just so you don't miss anything!"

CRACK UPS! FEATURING SAGEBRUSH: Sagebrush, where have you been? It's been ages. Oh, and he's sharper than ever. Actually, it's OK. Better than the TV Addict bit.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE FOOTBALL OWNER KING: Mr. Rocky Rush is interviewed. He's got something to do with football. I think my verve for this issue has faded. I see Nanny. I see this guy. I see football stuff but it's not registering. Let me transcribe a panel, maybe that will give you the juice:

Nanny and Rocky watch a bunch of football players rushing up a track towards a speeding train.

Mr. Rush: For example, here are our rushing exercises. Tackling dummies were too soft. They didn't simulate the force of 3 or 4 men coming at you, so I developed this training device instead. It really toughens up a player.

Boy, that guy talks a lot. Nanny looks superb, though.

1 - The Monster!
2 - The Monster!
3 - The Monster!

"This Month: Mad Doctor's Monsters!"

Wow, this is perfect.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: Another "digital clock" joke. Less funny than the poster. I get the feeling that someone just learned that "digital" has two meanings.

Two main features that are nothing but pandering. One that seems very similar to a past article. A lot of short, interstitial bits of uneven quality. Some great art, some not-so-great. It's perfect CRACKED! Read and enjoy!

Next issue: Thank God these guys are back!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

CRACKED #183: If only they could have included Gary Coleman in there...

December 1981
by Pierre L.

Happy Raiders, everyone!

Great cover on this one. Hey! Where's the lame blue box or the half-assed outlines of things that should be completely colored in? This is a full-on funtime cover! It has less detail than a MAD cover but the more you look at it, the better it is. Something about Sylvester & Superman coursing out of the Ark of the Covenant. That's what the Germans saw in there when they opened it...

POSTER: It is Giant. They didn't lie. "The CRACKED Imported Eyechart" "Before buying any foreign car, bicycle, radio, or magazine, you musty pass this eye test. Place a piece of cardboard over right eye, stand 6 feet back, and read each character on the chart." And, the characters are, I believe, Chinese. And, it's a laugh and we had a good time.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Proof reader...On vacation. Three writers on this one: George Gladir, Randy Epley & Mike Ricigliano.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The contest from 180 has been won!

1st prize: Tom A. Bradley, Newark, Del.
2nd & 3rd prize: David Allard, Billerica, Mass. & D. Andrew Chin, Austin, TX.

I wish they listed all the mistakes that were on that cover.

Next issue - November 3rd

TRAITORS OF THE LOST ARK: This is a fun one, sort of like the Alien parody from back in the day. They replicate bits from the film and then the characters point out how it doesn't make much sense. For example, Toth grabbing the medallion and burning his hand horribly. Then, seconds later, Marion picks it up with a little scarf. That kind of thing. In the end, the Ark contains the script for the next Raiders film. And, it's fun. Good parody to open the issue. I prefer this sort of thing in the movie parodies rather than the straightforward gag-filled things. There's a little more creativity here.

IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS: It's gonna be one of those articles. Traces the day of a very unlucky person...from being unable to sleep to missing the bus to the cafeteria not having the food you want to all sorts of junk...It ends with dreams about the day. Fun, fun illustrations. The gags are pretty standard, though.

JOCK STATE UNIVERSITY BULLETIN: "WEER NUMBUR WUN"! An intro page. Then, two pages with a side layout showing the prospectus for the college. It's all about sports and doing sports things and...I'll be honest, I remember reading it but I don't remember taking much from it. Carry on!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VIII: I love it so much. Three pages of gags and word balloons that make me smile. I do, sincerely, hope that this is not the last one. There are Eskimos. For anyone who was wondering.

NEW MEDICAL MALADIES: Video Finger, Stereo Collideous, Shopper Shock, Rubik's Wrist, et al. Whenever they mention video game stuff, I love 'em. Plus, there are jokes about early walkmans. I got my first walkman around 1987 or so. When I started high school in Quebec...Always, always buy a good set of headphones. That is my advice to you.

Do you suffer from Pudendal Neuritis?

That malady is so 1979...

I think I suffer from Cracked-Sideious
"Disease that can be gotten by anyone anywhere. Caused by excessive, continuous reading of CRACKED. Victim becomes weak from laughter and is unable to stand, sit or drink a glass of water without dribbling it down his chest."

SUPER TYPES IN ORDINARY LIFE: Suburbanman! More side-layout shenanigans from the Boys & girls of Cracked! Incredible Mailman! He's a very good postal employee. Amazing Bartender! "Watch him use his super suction power to empty the glasses of those who've had too much to drink." Superior Trashman...Super Market Checkout Clerk...Terrific Teacher...Fantastic Ump...I think you can probably guess the gags for each of these.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF TELEPHONES: The telephone was patented in 1876. Now, 105 years later, CRACKED is giving it the ZOINK! Well done, boys. When the gags are this good, there's no need to be timely. Yes, Bob Spoonsucker is featured in this three-page article. Oddly enough, there are no jokes about teens using the telephone too much. It's mostly middle-aged men. There's this great gag...A guy keeps getting wrong numbers. They keep asking for Bob. Then, Bob calls and asks if there are any messages for him. Well, if you're going to be a century late on the jokes, why not use a joke that's several decades old.

I think this article is first for CRACKED. I don't believe that anyone was awake when they wrote and illustrated this article. Prove me wrong!

WHAT CHRISTOPHER REEVE (that super man) WILL BE LIKE WHEN HE GETS OLD: Hmm, charming or morbid? I don't know. The older Superman has retired to a condo in Miami Beach. Poopederman Away!

THE CRACKED MOVIE II: It's a musical. It's in Surroundsound. There are little "Tune of 'whatever'" listed underneath the songs. "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "9 t 5" get a workout. And, there are instructions like..."Please blow-up a paperbag and burst it to simulate the sound of the starter's gun." Bob Sproul sends his CRACKED regulars on a race around the globe against the staff of Time Magazine. Who wins? I don't know...But, let's just say that I expect a III in the future.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT AGAIN: People falling off of things. People beating each other up. Kids with Polaroid cameras. Believe it or not!'s fun stuff. Like The Cracked Lens, but more of a set up for the joke. At two pages, it's harmless.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE T.V. RATINGS KING: People watch some rotten shows and some of those are Nielsin [sic] families. Nanny (looking great) interviews ACDC Nielsin who runs the rating service. And, yep, it's kind of crooked and kind of crazy. And, it all helps keep BJ & the Bear and Sheriff Lobo around for years. There is one Family member who has gone crazy in the knowledge that what he watches keeps things on and off the air. The system is not perfect. But, Nanny might be.

1 - Big Al, the Tire King
2 - A dog named Lillian
3 - A blizzard

Total - Your Fat Mama

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: St. Augustine, FL, 7/29/1561
"Ponce De Leon Discovers the Fountain of Youth..."
But, he's become a baby and his co-explorers are just confused by this baby that is surrounded by Ponce's clothes. Of course, if they were all looking for the Fountain of Youth, couldn't they have guessed who this was?

If the Fountain of Youth is in Florida, I give up.

It's not a perfect issue. But, it's a fun issue. A nice closeout for the issues dated 1981. Although, it's not the last one that came out in 1981. If you find it, read it and enjoy.

NEXT ISSUE: He is back...Not the Fonz. Not Mork. Guess.