Thursday, July 26, 2007

Cracked 134!: He Is Here!

August 1976

At last!

The cover says it all. The Cracked icon for the mid-70's has now been featured on his first cover. Not in the background or in our hearts, but right here! In our faces!

Hello, Fonz! (or "Fonze") Welcome to our World (or "his" world). We are all three times cooler than we were moments ago.

Let's step inside...

I must congratulate Cracked right off the bat for their best poster ever. I have started laughing Tuesday and just finished this Thursday Morning. Yellow background. A drawing of the Fonze, arms out, thumbs up saying "Hey-y-y!" That's it. I haven't seen humor this subtle (in fact it is "humour") since I saw Phat Girlz. Brilliant!

Table of Contents: Good, good. The Proof Reader's name is blacked out! How many exclamation points will I be using during this review? You tell me?

I'm skipping the Lettuce to get to the first article...

Everything you've ever wanted to know about "The Fonze": Nerd's Watch out! The Fonze is so cool that he doesn't even have to feature in a Happy Days parody. (Happy Daze, perhaps?) Six pages of The Fonze and the way he lives--Today. There is a dictionary defining words like "Chick", "Cool", "Dig" and "Square". I can't imagine "The Fonze Dictionary" is out of print but it might be. We get the Fonze's way of "Fighting Someone", which involves stamping on their foot when they are not looking. Fonze, the best! "The Fonze's day" "What makes the Fonze, the Fonze". "The Cool and the Uncool" This article was recently inducted into the Library of Congress so I don't think it has drifted into obscurity. I would love for everyone in the great State of America to go to this library now and read this article. Things are only going to get better. This is "Our Primer". We do not stop now. Fonze, teach me the ways of cool!

The Art of Ventriloquism: Now, I'm not sure whose idea it was to put an article on ventriloquism right after the "Cool" article but it feels a bit odd. On its own, it is full of laughs. The Egyptian Hieroglyphics are funny. The smart woman and her political dummy who dumb it down for crowds is good, too. Actually, this is a great article. But, it would have worked better an issue or two ago. Please, Cracked, don't tell me we're out of steam already.

Satan's Campaign to Promote Hell: Is Satan cool? Did the editors have any concept of what their magazine started? Again, funny article about brochures and ads for Hell but cool? Not hell, my friends.

One Afternoon in Japan: One page. Smile-worthy. Where is the cool?

The Academy Awards Show: Excellent. We are back. lots of Robert Redford here. (Robert Blueford, actually! Spot on, boys!) Burt Reynolds, Jaws, Barbara Streisand, they are all here. And, I love them. This is the hot satire I want if we can't be hot and cool. This one flows and jokes and giggles with a surprise ending that I didn't see coming. Funny.

A Cracked look at Motor Cross: More picture, less chatter. i like this one. You can see the drawing underneath it. The jokes are still like this: "O.K. kid, pull over to the side. You were speeding!" "But officer, this is a race." "Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's in a hurry." But, there's a nice lovely race flow to this one. Not painful like a stomachache more bothersome like a backache.

Increasing Consumption in Order to Maintain Full Employment: Funny. Everyone should be fatter because they consume more. Teen-agers are the "ideal consumers...ergo, consumption can be increased by increasing everyone's teen years. Henceforth, everyone from 11 (eleventeen) to fifty(fiftyteen) will be declared a teen-ager." It's fun. Little snapshots of time are what really makes all this chicanery wonderful. We are not yet at the big inflation burst that hits at the end of the decade. but, we are almost there. An article like this would be utterly foolish in three years. Right now, it works.

Where has the cool gone? Wonderful issue so far but where's the cool?

Realistic Toys and Games: Best one? "Kitty Kidnap: The only doll that's constantly missing." Another funny article. Could this be the most consistent issue yet? Ever? Buy a "Chatty Hubert" or "The New Bobby Skull hockey Set" or "Traffic Jam!--Be just like daddy!" Great.

Tomorrow's Retirement Communities for the Now generation: thank god, we got a couple of hippie jokes in here! It's been a while. Where will the rock stars and motorcyclists and surfers go when they retire? trust me, Cracked tears them a new one and then lets us look and laugh. "Yesterday's Rye Bread The place where old baker's go to loaf!" We even get to see where Cracked employees go when they retire. Something to read, something to love.

Barfksy and Clutch: Only one parody this issue. 5 pages, some funny jokes and a nice pace. It's silly and good and a bit cool. So we're back on track there.

The Cracked Bookstore: My magazine and binders are never going to come.

Cracked Interviews the Movie king: Mr. Cecil B. Celluloid is a jerk! But, Nanny gives that a jerk a swift one in the snoot. "Rudolf the Kung-Fu Reindeer" never came out in heaters did it? Nanny takes a large Journalistic knife and spreads her magic all over this article. The Academy Awards and the movie king in one issue? One would think that Cracked is the most generous magazine ever.

1) 3/5
2) 5/5 (fat man and shark included)
3) 0/5 (It's great but I've heard this one.)

Let's rub our Marvin ball and see what we score...

Fresh! Total: Wallace Shawn!

What an issue! The Fonze has set it down and it is up to follow the love down. I really believe this is one of the best issues this mighty mag ever churned out. Laughs, thoughts, cool. Who could ask for something? I could ask but what would I get.

Next issue: Bionic Iconic Duo

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