Thursday, September 24, 2009

CRACKED #182: Right before the Start of Season Nine

November 1981
by Pierre L.

They are back. Is this their...fourth cover or fifth? I forget. It has been some time, though. And, the show goes on...This issue came out around August 11th, 1981. Season Nine would have been starting soon. Boy, that show was on for a while. I wonder what new things they have to parody.

Oh, what about that big blue box behind them? Classy!


INSIDE FRONT COVER: "Everyone Here Brings Happiness...some by coming in, others by leaving." Have truer words ever been spoken? Not here, Jack.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Dick Shunary - I think he's been our proof reader before. Hey! JR again! I like JR? Hey, he's the man you love to hate! I wonder if people who he's wronged say that. "Well, he blackmailed me with a prostitute and ruined my career and caused me to go insane...I can't help but love the guy."

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: There is a letter from a man in Australia. It is printed upside down. The comedy is all there, stretched out before you. Next issue - September 22nd. I was beginning 3rd grade. The height of my time with CRACKED had begun!

MASHED: (I didn't include the stars. I got Pierre-sized lazy.) Turns out they have nothing more to say. This one kind of stumbles from vague re-heated joke to vague re-heated joke (Col. Blake makes another reappearance) and then ends. The panels are very large, which leads me to believe that "Popular Demand" wanted them back but the writer's were dry. Klinger tries to start another war and we get shots of the Doctors in the Revolutionary War and helping The Three "Moosketeers". It's innocuous and I had to make sure I didn't miss something when I wad done because it's very light. As light as it is, it's not bad. It just doesn't start things with a kick.

DULL VS. EXCITING: You know that this isn't the kick I was looking for. Dull on one side. Exciting on the other. Reading Material - The Autobiography of Morris the Cat DULL! CRACKED EXCITING! It goes like that for three pages. (They still can't find anything exciting about TV, circa 1981. Doctor Who was pretty interesting then. Go British!)

Did I really enjoy articles like this when I was 8-11 or 12? I can't imagine so because I find them so bland now. I would imagine I did this:

Grab the issue of the magazine rack of Wegmans or Bell's.
Buy it with allowance or begging.
Slowly flip through the issue. Looking at everything, smiling.
Read all the bits I'm interested in (MASH, for example).
Then, go back and read all the bits that didn't grab me the first time.
I would wring all 90 cents worth of value out of it.
But, I think these sorts of articles wouldn't have grabbed me.

Maybe I'll note "DULL" or "EXCITING" on the articles from now on as a gauge to whether or not I would have liked it as a child. Good idea.


ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VII: EXCITING!, just like your mamma. A good round of the LENS. As readers know, I've always loved this bit. This one doesn't have an all-time favor tie in it but it's good for some yuks.


NEW PRODUCTS TO MAKE KIDS FEEL EVEN MORE LIKE ADULTS: DUCITING! I don't think I'd now on this one. There are some amusing bits...The Custody Doll that is given to two girls at once. The Barbie Dream Home that has a mortgage. It's fun stuff and I love the art. But, I don't know if it would have grabbed me a kid. Possibly at three pages I would have breezed through and moved on.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING: THE PSYCHIATRISTS: EXCITING! I always liked the one-panel gags.

THE 15 WARNING SIGNALS OF HYPOCHONDRIA: DULL! Sorry. 15 panels. 15 things. I'm looking at it and can't get my eyes to read anything here. I'm pretty sure, as a kid, this would have sent me to Snooze Town. Hey! That one lady doesn't breath while visiting her sick friend. And someone else does something that I've forgotten but relates to the theme... Oh well.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: EXCITING! GARAGE SALE! I love it. This is a fun bit. Someone is actually working to get this bit done and I applaud them.

THE ZIGGY STARDOPPLE HANDBOOK TO TENNIS: Umm..DULL! It tries. Ziggy is a rotten Tennis Player who somehow gets to write a book. And, although the last part of that sentence describes the modern day world of publishing, I would have just shrugged at this far too busy and not very funny article. It's not quite a CRACKED guide and it's not quite something new and exciting.

YE HANG UPS: EXCITING! Some yuks. That's all I ask for.

HOW MODERN INVENTIONS WOULD HAVE CHANGED HISTORY: I don't know. It's two pages and it's done by that artist who makes things funny. But, it's just a series of short jokes about typewriters and food processors and sewing machines and things like that getting in the way of historical events. Not always in a good way. I think I would have read it and enjoyed it and hoped that the next article wasn't a parody of a rotten sitcom.

ALUCE: Crap. DULL show. EXCITING to read. It's just jokes about Aluce, Smell and Smeara. The food is lousy. Aluce is sassy. Smeara is stupid. Aluce's son shows up and does nothing. A guy condemns the diner. All in a day's work. I don't like the show but I like this parody. I guess that's the point. My God! This show was on for 9 seasons and had 202 episodes! The hell! Who watched this?

THE J.R. GIFT CATALOGUE FOR THE SUPER RICH: EXCITING - now and then but for different reasons. Then, I would have loved the gadgets. An Instant Vaporizer. A Life-Sized Monopoly Game. A huge "Camping Complex" for roughing it. It would have sparked my mind and made me smile. Now - it's JR. It's Dallas. It's awesome. Loved it!

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GREETING CARD KING: DULL! Yeah, unfortunately. I would have struggled then and I struggle now. I used to love Nanny so much but my verve has faded with time. She chats with a guy named ACE who makes greeting cards. There are funny cards, insulting cards and a card that ships you to your friend. It's OK. I was always disappointed that they ended issues like this. I guess I still am.

1 - Desert
2 - Fat Lady

EXCITING! Please, of course it is.

IRON-ON (incl. on back cover): Sylvester painting CRACKED on your shirt! I guess this is OK. No real joke. More of a CRACKED ad.

A decent issue. Half DULL, Half EXCITING. I guess that's what we should expect from here on in.

Next issue: That's a lot of pop culture!

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