CRACKED #179: Popeye? Don't you mean 'Poopeye'?

By Pierre L.
August 1981

The painting itself is fun. But, the cover is so cluttered. The UPC code and arrow in the bottom left-hand corner. The big yellow "INSULT TRADING CARDS" box, The "*Haven't read CRACKED yet!" thing. I kind of wish they would have filled in the background of the painting rather than piling junk on top of it. But, regardless...fun!

POSTER: Big, white UPC code. It's fun! I think. UPC codes have been around for ages now. I'm not sure why they're just bringing it up now. MAD did a UPC joke that was funnier back in April 1978. So, CRACKED is a bit behind here.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Amy Stake, again as proofreader.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: June 2nd - Next Issue MUNDOLOCO is CRACKED in Puerto Rico. You can play the "Can You Guess Which Cracked Magazine Are Free?" Game. $9 gets you 12 issues - two of them are free. Which ones? Anyone with Barney Miller on the cover, possibly.

THE DORKS OF HAZZARDOUS: They're by themselves here and it's fun. Bossy Hog and Sheriff Soultrain try to get the deed to the Duke's land because there's oil on it. There are car chases, Bossy Hog dresses up as a woman, Uncle Fussy wears Dizzy's short shorts and Dizzy gets a shower scene with two very large "CENSORED" strips. It's as dumb as the show but shorter. Actually, in the end, I prefer my Colorforms version of the Dukes. I would place it next to my Garfield and KISS colorforms and that...my friends...was an exciting world!

CRACKED'S UNUSUAL GIFT CATALOG: Big beards, glasses with one lens blackened, a steam harp and, my favorite, a toupee holder. Random photos have long text next to them describing the magical items. Example: "CRACKED'S Toupee Holder keeps toupee flat and intact all day long, no matter how active you are! Never again face the humiliation of losing your scalp while tying your shoes! -Comes in 3 attractive colors. - Head straps adjust to fit any head." Pretty fun bit.

HOW TO MAKE BASEBALL MORE INTERESTING: Some very funny bits in here but it's all so crowded. Text is piled on drawings, next to text, near drawings. It's all a bit too much and, although it stays funny until the end, I find myself looking around the room a lot. I like the new obstacles for outfielders section. There's a pit they can fall in. Arms shoot out of the back wall and try to stop him from moving. And, a scary jack-in-the-box head leaps up to scare the fellow. Other things? Steal the baseman with the base. Spin a numbered wheel to see how many balls and strikes you get. And, add a lot more runners to the bases. Good bit.

IT ISN'T AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS:
"The low pressure system from the south will combine with the high from the west creating nimbostratus accumulation..."
"TRANSLATION: It's going tor rain!"

"Looks like panicum sanguinale to me."
"TRANSLATION: Your lawn is full of crabgrass!"

Two pages of that. It's brief and a breeze. Not particularly funny but a breeze.

THE GROWING GARBAGE PROBLEM AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT: I think they did a similar bit like this some time ago but I'm not quite sure. All right, this article rocks. Why? "Fonzie Cut Outs" Love it! One of the ways to cut down in garbage is to send all old fads and burnt out pop culture to Third World countries. And, yes, there is a little girl sitting in the desert reading "Fonzie Cut Outs". It's awesome. So... The first two pages are about how garbage is swallowing us alive. The last two pages are about how to cut down on garbage. Apart from what I just mentioned, they suggest TV dinners where the packaging is edible. (I think that's nabbed from a Bob & Ray bit.) Print newspapers on cloth. When you're done reading, wash them and give them back to the paperboy. In the end, you have to make garbage valuable. That's the only way to make it palatable. God, I love the "Fonzie Cut Outs".

INSTANT EPITAPHS: This is the middle of the issue two-pager and it's OK. Headstones with very appropriate epitaphs. What makes this very interesting are the...

CRACKED INSULT CARDS: Perforated cards that are included within the center pages. And, they're great. They really rip you up. Possibly, because you suck? "If your face is your fortune, you must be broke!" "I'm conducting a survey. Please reply to the following statement by checking the appropriate box. 'I feel the person that handed me this card is the greatest.' Be Honest!" And, there are two boxes. Both marked "Yes" "I'd like to help you out. The door's over there!" Loved it!

POOPEYE: I remember this one from when I was a kid. (The parody, I mean.) And, it really took the movie down a peg. I didn't enjoy it when I was young. And so, CRACKED! Haul off and take it down! I'm grown up now. A year ago, I watched Popeye on DVD and it's pretty great. The songs are fine. The acting is wonderful. And, the design of the town is astounding. It's a fun movie. Not Altman's best but damn fine. So, now, this parody makes me sleepy. Sorry. I agreed with it once but now I think it's just lazy. Sorry. Move on, Elvis!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really, mean it this time, for sure!) Part IV: Come on and laugh with me! This has two of my favorites. An old couple sits at a table. The lady says "Yes, both John and I use your product--but personally, I think it stinks!" And, a guy sits in a bathtub fully clothes with about 10 guys standing around him. He yells, "Will you guys get outta here and let me take my back?!"

HOW TO READ THOSE TRAVEL ADS: Basically, we see an ad for a vacation spot and a little caption on the bottom detailing what really happens. And, can I be honest, everything sucks. Polluted seas and food poisoning are only two of the bits of wonder here. It's two pages and it's OK.

CRACKED'S PERSONALITY PROFILE COMPARISONS: On the left is the perceived audience for something. On the right is the actual audience. Better Homes & Gardens isn't read by high society dames. It's read by lower class broads. Dallas isn't watched by regular folks. The Ayatollah watches to learn from JR. Time isn't read by high class businessmen but by bums picking it from the trash. Three pages. No waiting!

DANGEROUS BARROOM ENCOUNTERS: I've read it but for some reason it passes over me without feeling. I should really read the opening blurb...Read. It's take-off on the mechanical bull thing in bars. Stuff to add to bars to get a thrill. One is "Drinking Water at a Mexican Resort. They have a water cooler filled with Mexican water. You pay two bucks to be a "Macho Man' and drink. Then, you simulate winters in Buffalo by standing in a freezer.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE INSURANCE KING: Sy Pringle sells insurance for everything! And, Nanny gets him on it...but she buys insurance in the end...Nanny? What's going on? Oh, I am disillusioned! She fell for the chicanery...hard! Why, Nanny, why? Let's go on to the Shut-Ups.

SHUT-UPS
1 - Bite
2 - My
3 - Crank

Shut Up, would you please?

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Technology - Ooga Booga Almost Invents Fire. But, he doesn't. Presumably, his family dies.

A decent issue. Not mind-blowing but a standard sort of CRACKED uneven thing that's definitely worth your time and money. Why not?

Oh, and this issue features the last name "Horsenagel" in two articles? Why?

Oh, and this issue has the little "Saboteur" guys all over the place. All mixed in amongst the panels causing trouble. They will expand their business soon.

Next issue: Horsenagel!