May 1981
(How the heck did we get to May 1981 already? We stop at July 1985...Can we only have four years left?)
by Pierre L.
A great cover. And, like I said, a perfect use of the white void. This is not some location that we all know and love. It is the spot in the Comedy (Komedy? Khomedy?) World where MAD and CRACKED intersect. And, the cover is wonderfully rich for being in this space. The gray spot where the "A" was. Alfred E. Nueman walking towards the M-D sheet on the easel. Sylvester changing. I don't think MAD would have ever done this, mainly because they wouldn't have needed to, but it's cool that CRACKED did. I wonder what the MAD sales figures were like at this time? I guess I get a 1981 issue and look for one of those "Statement of Sales" things in the letters page. And, a "Free Hypnotism Poster" Holy Sh*t, you crazy SOB! This is awesome.
POSTER: Yellow is the official "Hypnotism" color! "Stare at this Spot for 3 minutes...Congratulations, you have just hypnotized this poster!!" I just got Zonked...by Sproul and Company!
TABLE OF CONTENTS: "6...40...19...36...35...26...29...11...43...22...20...32" That's the order things are listed at here. It's fun! "Luke N. Cee, prfffuredeer" "Sorry Sylvester! It's all a BIG mistake!! We'll never take away your CRACKED Magazine again! Now just relax and calm down. Don't get MAD...at anyone!"
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Someone mentions CRACKED GIANT #27. Gosh, I wish I had CRACKED GIANT #27...hint, hint. This one has letters from Nicholas Coiro, Allen Rosenfeld, Foster Barnes and the Katie Albright. Next issue - March 10th.
THE INCREDIBLE HUNK: Starring Mr. Divit Danner...Physician, Scientist & Hockey Player. A bit of an odd satire, this one. Divit doesn't become a big hulking guy. He becomes whatever is needed for the scene. In a smoky room, he becomes a fire extinguisher. An exterminator bothers him so becomes a giant rat. He becomes a magnet and pulls in some robbers dressed in knight's armor. When some nosy folks show up, he becomes a giant... It's certainly amusing and it's fun to see what he will turn into next. But, I didn't get the point of this. I felt like I was missing something the whole time I read it. Then, I thought about the way CRACKED writes some of these things and I realized...I didn't miss something. They did. What? I don't quite know. Regardless, it's a fun read.
MEMORABLE MOMENTS FROM PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY: It's a series of figurines of presidents. The best one? "Millard Fillmore 3 weeks after his inauguration trying to gain public support." Millard is holding a sign saying "No kidding! I really am your president! Teddy Roosevelt is being chased by a rhino. Jimmy Carter is shoving a yam in Billy's mouth. Abe Lincoln standing with the car named after him. Dick Nixon enjoying some "special" tapes. If you know what we mean... And, Gerald Ford falling down some steps. Pretty funny bit. I don't know if they're still available but the address to send cash to is "Leonard Limestone, Box of Cereal, Say Cheese, Wisconsin 00000" That may not be a real address.
ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!" Part II: What can I say? Four pages of yuks. Always good, no difference here. Please, read and enjoy. The dancers in the locker room are really funny. The guys in the Police line-up bring geniality to my face. Actually, they're pretty much all great. If I ever decide to review a CRACKED LENS special edition, ignore it. It'll be dull.
DUMB QUESTIONS THAT DON'T DESERVE AN ANSWER: One pager, Pretty funny but rather familiar looking...Hmmm...Have I seen this one before? This almost feels like something that could have been on the back of an issue. I particularly enjoy the two old guys looking at the theater marquee. "Which one do you want to see, Larry?" Their choices? "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm" and "10". Nice.
NEVER RENT THE APARTMENT IF...: Obvious but humorous. "...the bathtub drain doubles as the ninth hole for a nearby miniature golf course!" "...the only direction the elevator runs is 'down'!" "...you need a dime to use our bathroom!" Two pages and run!
HOW TO INTERPRET ALL THOSE PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL ADS: Example: The first ad is for the "Vidal Sassoon Beauty Parlor Training School"* "We've been in the same spot for over 50 years." We see a man and a woman. MAN: Of course for 49 of those years we were a butcher shop." WOMAN: "Why'd you close the store?" 'We were caught short-weighing the meat and selling fat as filet mingon." Ad reads: "This is a rigorous course and not everyone is accepted..." MAN: You have the $6000 tuition?" ANOTHER MAN: No. MAN: Sorry, we can't accept you." Ad: "...in fact, a grueling entrance exam is given on your first day." MAN: Do you know how to open a door and walk in? WOMAN: Yes. MAN: Terrific. You just passed the entrance exam." Ad: But, once you're in you'll really look up to your instructors." WOMAN: That's because they're all 7' 2". Ad: "Need more details? Write for a free no obligation brochure." A WOMAN is in bed on the phone. PHONE: Yesterday, you sent for a free not-affiliated with Vidal Sassoon Beauty School brochure and we want to know when you'll be starting?" WOMAN: It's 4 in the morning and this is the 9th time you've called. I told you, I don't want to enroll. Now, please leave me alone."
Pretty good bit. Very detailed for CRACKED.
*That's the "Not-affiliated-at-all" with Vidal Sassoon Beauty Parlor Training School.
IF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS WERE PLAYED THE SAME WAY AS WHEN WE WERE KIDS: Funny bit. Football with a car driving over the field and everyone stopping play to let it pass. Two boxers being broken up by a schoolteacher. A hockey game breaking up because a guy got called home for dinner. A little smarter than the average CRACKED bit.
HOW TO GET A JOB: Possibly a little too cluttered. It has detailed ways to fill out your resume. Different ways to lie about "Previous Experience". Did you mow baseball diamonds? "I was a diamond cutter!" "I owned my own business!" If that was a lemonade stand... One of the jobs is a "line-place-saver" at the movies. They've done that one a lot, haven't they? The first page of this is too loaded and the other two kind of fade a bit. I guess this article is just OK. Nothing spectacular but worth a smile.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT: Some funny (or phunny) photos and captions...The best? A group of kids in a lot holding their arms at their chests and staring down. "To determine he average rate of growth of East Pakistan children, 50 students have been standing still for the last 5 years while careful measurements are taken daily. BELIEVE IT OR NOT" A charming three pages.
YE HANG-UPS: Four one-panel gags. The best is the new guy saying "I can hardly wait to see how I look in a beard."
HOW TO MEET THE OPPOSITE SEX: Well, this one's a little too much, too. Five steps: "Attire", "Locating the Opposite Sex", "Opening Lines", "The First Date" and "If All Else Fails!" Some pretty funny moments but a little too much reading for too little return. Sorry. I think there are a few too many text-heavy bits here. I'm getting sleepy.
THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT DO GO RIGHT: Three pages of good things that happen. My favorite? "Nursing a sick bird back to health...and setting it free...and having it fly right back to you!" Quite nice for CRACKED. Although there is a Three Mile Island gag in here, so it's not all sweetness and light. Oh, and there is a real fat lady. Not funny but nice.
MY BUDDYGUARD: I never saw "My Bodyguard" and my commitment to this blog doesn't stretch to watching it for this entry. There's a kid who gets beat up by bullies. there's a "buddyguard". There's some fighting and, in the last panel, the Incredible Hulk. I like it when i say it like that but I just feel like I should have seen the film. I laughed occasionally but...If you've seen the movie, I'll bet you'll love this.
SHUT-UPS
1- Your Mama!
2 - Watch it!
3 - You're Goin' Down, Mr. Honky Pants!
I do, in fact, own honky pants.
BACK COVER: "Great Moments In Dining...Oct. 1953 Oakbrook, ILL. Donald Mack almost invents the fast food restaurant." Pretty nice one. He's trying to serve people quick while his chefs and waitresses chase around chickens and pigs and cows. Good capper for this issue.
I enjoyed this issue. As always, they seem to struggle to reach the full quota of pages but doing a humor magazine like this can't be easy. Or can it? I'm not sure.
Next issue: A guest review from CRACKED expert, Ghumdrop Vincent Burlignton III! Enjoy!
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