August 1975
by Pierre L.
Sylvester has done it now!!!!! How are they going to shoot water up that strangely illustrated 7-story building now? I'll be honest...I didn't actually notice the full joke until I went to the table of contents and read "...what a time for a snack!" Oh, the fire & the marshmallows. Why didn't they fill in the background? The building looks like a poor graphic from an Atari 2600 game, like Amidar or something. I would say that we're definitely getting our attention drawn to the joke but I missed the joke. Is he going to pop the hose or is it just that he's sitting on it? OK...well...let's head in.
POSTER: "THIS WAY OUT"...Oh, this one comes with plenty of gaggage attached! And, hey, can we please keep it yellow? Like good strong pee?
TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Isza Badspeller" is the pruffe reder. Will we ever find out why the items listed in the Table of Contents are always out of order? Was that something MAD did and CRACKED followed? Hey! Ye Hang Ups! I'm sold!
LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Hey, it's Columbo! A guy writes to them from Sweden and Saginaw! This is truly a joyous cornucopia of people who write letters to Sprouls. Next issue - June 10th. Ten days before Jaws was released to theaters. Put that in your Mind & Smoke it.
THE TOWERING INFERNAL: Very brisk speed through the blockbuster movie of funtime proportions! I know that I've bemoaned these movies parodies in the past & the future. But, I'd recently watched this film so I got most of the jokes. ("Bluer eyes here" actually made me laugh aloud.) Possibly I should keep my bemoaning to myself? Basically, more or less, each panel is a snapshot of a scene from the film. We get a ladle of jokes, a soupcon of mirth and a pinch of High Hilarity! Nice opening parody.
THE CRACKED HISTORY OF BOATING?: Three pages of gags about boats and how folks have loved boating throughout history. Oddly enough, I don't remember much about this one. I went back and had another look (the mazagine is in front of me) and I still don't remember much of it. There's a loving couple in the end who can only afford a toy boat. There's a drawing of MASH's Radar. But, this bit refuses to sink in. It doesn't happen but every once in a while, it does. Weird.
I'll leave a few blank lines so you can write your own review in...
NEW T.V. GAME SHOW FOR NEXT SEASON: Fun, sadistic article with crazy game shows hurting people one way or another. "Beat The Light" gets a lady hit by a car. "Gambler" gets a guy to lose everything he owns. "The Price is Ridiculous" has a lady eat a bad meal of her own design. "Pay the Consequences" has a lady rob a bank and get arrested. Yeah, I laughed...My favorite moment: Mrs. Prune Danish is strolling onto the stage of "The Price is Ridiculous"...The host says: "What does your husband do?" "Time." "Time?" "Yeah, he's a convict." "You must be very proud of him." I love it because it's a CRACKED ZING! Is that a joke or not? What's going on? Why do I love it? Why is it here?
THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE: Hmmm...I am tempted to pick up CRACKED Goes West. It's about time!
CRACKED GUIDE TO MAGIC: When was The Magician with Bill Bixby on the air? Ask your Big, Fat Momma. She might know. Pretty entertaining bit that shows how magic tricks are done. Your rabbit is actually a beaver in a rabbit suit that bites through the table into the hat. The mismatched girl appears because you get everyone in the crowd drunk. Card tricks? Don't forget the woodpecker. It's a decent conceit and a humorous series of comedic moments.
DISCOUNT COUPONS OF THE FUTURE: Police departments offer 20% off the fine on your 1st Head On Collision. Charlie's Tire Shop offers Free Air. Get your gall bladder removed! It's coupons for anything & everything, basically. And, it charms my cockles. I'll give it that.
CRACKED TAKES A LOOK AT SPRING TRAINING: Well..."Bonus Baby" Do they still use that term? This is a batch of jokes about lazy ball players counting their money. Hey! It's nice work if you can get it. And, if you can get it, won't you tell me please? This one is laid out kind of awkwardly. Even though I am no big fan of this sort of article, I can usually flow through it. This one feels strangely jumpy.
MURDERING THE ORIENT EXPRESS: I just watched this one recently, too. I thought it was less fun than Towering Inferno. It's a claustrophobic movie but in a way that grows tiresome. It's a series of conversations in real train compartments. Seemed like a good idea but...I don't know. I got bored and I love murder mysteries so much that I've considered murdering family members just so I could be part of the joy! I agree with the outburst of the crowd at the end but not what they're outbursting against.
PRODUCTS AND ADS DESIGNED FOR THE ARAB MARKET: A gas pump that sprays perfume on your harem. Special Camel Products! "When you've got 32 mothers-in-law you've got an Hexedrin Headache." And, the towel rack for the sheik and his 32 wives. "A dozen of the long-stemmed ones cost $3,675,000 but you've got only $2,788,000 in cash." The article is very focused on harems. Can't say I blame them! If I knew women, I'd try to start a harem.
THE MAJOR MOOSE SHOW: A Captain kangaroo parody of a schlubby guy who does bad work. Funny bit in here...There is a frame within each frame. Outside of the frame is what's not on camera and it's a clever idea. I like when Mr. Overalls gets eaten by a lion. There's a big, talking lump in the lion's stomach. "Well, he's about four feet high, has sharp teeth, a stomach capable of holding a man..." That made me laugh. The article is a reaction against "educational" shows. And, this is a slightly odd but pretty fun bit.
CRACKED ON CAMPUS?: I'm getting a binder. If your mamma don't like it, she knows what she can do.
CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SURVEILLANCE KING: Nanny! Less buxom that usual but a little more approachable. Mr. Tom Peeping is a perv with a little mustache who can't stop staring at people and listening to them. This guy is everywhere getting all the stink! God, Nanny...rip him up! She does. Not as buxomly as normal but she does.
CARTOONS!: Stanley, Sagebrush & Ye Hang Ups Yuks, Yuks & Yuks!
SHUT-UPS:
1 - Goodyear
2- Monkeys smoking
3 - Mummy!
Total score: Total Awesome.
BACK COVER: Mass-Production of Wine-Making...Giovanni Grappelli, what have you done? The regular orange & black cover has purple bits. Nice.
You know, this is issue was fun and breezy. So breezy that I've forgotten it already. Perfect CRACKED. I wonder what they have prepared for us next.
Next issue: Sylvester, who's that guy with big ears?
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