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2011-08-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

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CRACKED #124
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CRACKED #212: Robert C. Sproul, Over & Out

2010-12-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

July 1985
By Pierre L.

I don't know when exactly Mr. Sproul took over the Editing of CRACKED. Sol Brodsky is in charge of the first issue. I have the fourth one and Mr. S is on there. So, either 2, 3 or 4. Up until 212...From mid-1958 until July 1985, he led us through the world of Pop Culture alongside MAD magazine and about 100 other "Comedy" Magazines that fell by the wayside. Well done, Mr. Sproul. You made me laugh a lot. Now, let's check out his last issue.

All pee-yellow background on this cover. Maybe it was his favorite color for the cover and the posters after all? It's a fun joke. Although, I don't know about that enormous box on the mid-upper-left. Why put Simon & Simon's faces on your last issue? Maybe he was goofing with us here. Not the strongest cover to go out on but a decent gag.

POSTER: THE UNITED STATES OF CRACKED is one of the coolest posters they ever did. OK, a slight chintz on the front cover hides a cool-cool poster. Have you ever been to Grin Canyon? Or Cashville the "Hog-calling capital of the world". And, then we all go to Illbany. Thanks, Mr. Sproul, for this poster!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Belinda Asabat, prufe rader" Best Comedy Name Ever!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Dear CRACKED, I don't think you print real letters from readers. I bet you make them all up. Allan Gregory, New Britain, Conn." "Dear Allan, We don't think you write real letters. Bet you make them up." One guys says "You should have a joke section". A real jokester, that guy.

The Final Sproul Fan Club Message:
DCBX AOS WNJP HIOWWHY PHMXHW AHPPNMT WN WLMOTVXOD

I believe he was saying "Goodbye" to us.

SIMPLE & SIMPLE: Wow...there really is another Simon & Simon parody in here. That's almost tragic. Prince shows up in their office. he says that someone is going to kidnap his drummer. So, one of the brothers puts on a huge afro wig and blackfaces himself up...and there's chicanery and goofballery and...oddly enough, the presence of Prince and the sheer joy of some good old fashioned Blackface makes me forget that this has anything to do with Simon & Simon. It's not a superb opening parody but when it degenerates into a crazy pie fight...it wins me over.

TV CABLE GUIDE: Hey! It's the alligator man from The Alligator People! Looks like this issue of the cable guide is going to have a lot of great stuff in it. "How watching TV 23 hours a day broadens you (mostly in the seat). "Strawberry Shortcakes Harrowing Day" "See what happens when Ms. Shortcake gets caught in a can of whipped cream." Da Movie Channel is playing some great stuff. This is a very in-depth article with some very funny bits. It ends with some Cable Chatter. I miss my Old Cable Guides.

YOUR MONEYS' WORTH: One-pager with great art and a very obvious joke.

KIDS, TOYS AND FUTURE CAREERS: Welfare Mother - Surrounded by dolls. Undertaker - A kid burying a stuffed animal out back in the middle of the night. A poet sits alone in a corner with all his toys far away. And, the sad one...A little girl is dancing ballet. There is a sign on her wall that says "Ballet is My Life". And, another things that says "I [heart] ballet." What is her career? ...Housewife. Wow. A little poignancy in the closing Sproul.

MAGAZINES THAT TRIED TO COPY CRACKED, BUT FAILED (Thank Goodness!): Beautiful stuff. We are shutting down here. The first one is from 1959...a magazine called Nuts. A satire magazine focusing solely on nut related humor. We see a page from the magazine and then a series of captions describing assorted reasons for its failure. Great idea and funny. "Merchants hated the magazine because it was the only one using 'nut' currency. Customers would continually pay with a 50 nut bill..." Each issue of "Nuts" was salted. Love it!

"Apples" Magazine was satire for very, very young kids. It sold well at first because fruit distributors thought it was for them. No words, only pictures. Who wrote this? Why wasn't this person allowed back all the time?

"Fool Magazine" started in 1970 and tried to get an all-female readership. It was printed on green newsprint that clashed with most women's clothing. The articles were really odd... (Housewives Are Dumb Because...was alienating to ladies and unfunny to guys.) I would have bought every issue of this magazine.

CRACKEDER MAZAGINE This one tried to go weekly but the quality wore down and down as each week passed. "As a weekly, their writers started to run out of dumb material. As a result, they made their biggest mistake of all - they turned to things that were intelligent." Remember: If you're Crackeder, you're happier!

I love this article. Best one in years.

WISHFUL THINKING: We see someone blissed out, thinking one thing...reality looms! A happy parachutist is smiling and seeing himself landing on the "X"! In reality, he's about to drop into an active volcano! A woman hands a boy a present. He's thinking "Toy Train!" She's thinking "Inexpensive socks!" It's a fun, chaotic two pages that my eye had a bit of trouble following. But, it works.

So final. Each one of these.

THE TRUE MEANING OF ART: Clever one-pager. Not a comedy bit, just kind of cool.

VCR HOME MOVIE ACCESSORIES CATALOG: Did Mr. Sproul know that this was his last issue? The CRACKED Imitators article seems to point in that direction. This one seems like standard CRACKED chicanery...How to suit up your living room like a movie theater. You can buy a robot that walks by you a dozen times a movie, making you get up over and over again. A steering wheel can be attached to the couch to make you feel like you're at a drive-in. An X-Rated film videotape container that is perfect for putting Disney films in...what better way to get the kids to watch? Cover your ground with sticky sludge, just like in the movie theater. It's fun. This is a decent bit. The world will go on, even after Mr. S. is gone.

WHAT'S GOOD...AND NOT SO GOOD ABOUT BIGFOOT: Well, when i saw the title in the Table of Contents I got excited. But, it's about the monster truck. Spare tires are huge! Be careful at underpasses! "You'll always have a good view at a drive-in." Oddly enough, there is never a full-on drawing of Bigfoot. We see the front half. Then, we see the back half. We see underneath. We see on the side. I wonder why?

EXPANDING THE USE OF PICTURE SIGNS: Wacky signs for our wacky world. A sign for the beach shows a dog with a line drawn over it. "No ugly girls beyond this point." A leaky faucet is "Caution: News Leak Area" for politics. Coaches could signal their instructions from the bench. A coach holds up a sign with a gun shooting a clock. "Kill The Clock!" It's a nice bit but no big shakes.

IF TELEVISION CENSORS HAD THEIR WAY: This feels like an old one. Howard Cosell and Let's Make a Deal gags abound. They'd censor sports, game shows, news & westerns. They'd be re-edited so John Wayne played Duck, Duck Goose with the Injuns instead of shooting them. An interview with Pinocchio would be a big thing on the News. It's a fun bit that seems like it's from a different time. If you're talking about TV censoring in early 1985, where's The A-Team? Feels odd. Sorry.

THE SILLY COSBEY SHOW: 1984-1985 TV Season. Dynasty, Dallas and The Cosby Show, respectively, rule the roost. Starting with the 1985-1986 season, Cosby would begin its five years at the top. CRACKED got in there quick...The last Sproul TV/ Movie parody begins. Pliff and Eclair are raising their kids and making America laugh. Pliff wants to take a nap but his kids keep coming and he keeps starting monologues and stories about himself. In the end, they move out and live Pliff alone. And, hey, this is only three pages long? The heck? Well, it makes its point and goes. Nicely done.

THE POND: A one-pager to close out the one-pagers. This one's just OK. I actually missed the joke at first. And then, when I'd seen the joke, I was unsure if it was funny. In the end, I'm going to say "No."

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE TECHNICAL SCHOOL KING: Hmmm..she doesn't identify herself as Nanny. She doesn't look anything like Nanny. But, Ed U. Cator calls her Nanny. Where'd Cassie go? Is this a repeat? I don't recognize it but it feels like a repeat. I'm going to say that it is not. If I found out that the last full article during Mr. Sproul's time was a repeat, I'd feel a little sad.

I also feel a little sad because this bit isn't so great. Mr. Cator's a shyster. ICCES - Ice Cream Cone Engineering School is an easy school to pass. There's a beauty school and a school for Humor Writers. There are lying commercials that air during old sictoms to get people down to the school. It's an OK bit but it never quite takes off. It doesn't seem to have enough "School" parodies in it. But, I wouldn't want to see it go longer so I'll take what I can get.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Paperboy
2 - Prize Fighter
3 - The CRACKED Team Working Out!

Mr. Sproul, from me to you, Shut-Up!

BACK COVER: A SCULPTURE'S STUDIO - An obvious joke with some fun art and alternating blue and yellow panels. Somehow that sums CRACKED up perfectly. Oh, shouldn't it be "A Sculptor's Studio", unless it is actually a studio for that sculpture.

Not a great issue. It started strong and then began to fade but there are plenty of laughs here. Plenty of bright moments and that great CRACKED imitator article...I was hoping Mr. Sproul would go out stronger but the last issue seems to have spent most of their comedic energy. We'll take that one as the last and this one as a footnote.

Godspeed, Mr. S!

Randolph The Reindeer

2010-12-24T21:00:00.000-08:00

Now listen, my children,
And you shall hear
Of the famous big toe
Of Randolph Reindeer.

'Twas the night before Christmas
When into the bar
Strode Randolph the Reindeer
With a big, long cigar.

As he stood there and snarled
Like a big, ugly cur,
The ashes he flicked off
Burned right through his fur.

Randolph stood staunchly
As he burst into flames,
But the rest of the reindeer
Just called him bad names.

Randolph stayed quite,
His steel nerves unjarred,
But except for his tailbone,
His body soon charred.

Then the room quickly filled
With a warm, friendly glow,
That came not from friendship.
But from Randolph's big toe.

Just then, in came Santa,
And he saved the day
By saying to Randolph,
"Would you guide my sleigh?"

When Randolph consented,
The reindeer all cheered,
And even old Santa
Gave a smile through his beard.

So they flew through the skies
In the blinding white snow,
And were guided by Randolph's
Smoldering big toe.

And so, if you spy
In the thick underbrush,
A hunk of burnt toenail
Lost in the rush...

Just think of poor Randolph
As he flies through the air
With a rancid cigar
And a clump of burnt hair.

Author Unknown
From pages 30-31 of CRACKED Magazine Issue #210

CRACKED #211: "Fat People"? I gotta see this.

2010-12-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

May 1985
by Pierre L.

Sylvester is about to get...Oh boy! Watch out, SPS! I wonder why they didn't color in the trash can? Well, it looks like there's going to be a lot happening in this issue. We better run in...

POSTER: National Students Day is on 2/29/85...Hey! Didn't they have the Day of the Child in 1979 on a school day? That meant that many children didn't actually get to go out and celebrate. It was up to their teachers to decide if they went out or not. I know it happened...I've seen the You Can't Do That On Television episode from early 1979 where the kids talk about it. I'm not sure if there's Ruddy involved. I don't remember.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: I see Bob Sproul's face! In my dreams!...no, he's in one of the little panels. "Ms. Spell, proufradar"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Get the first issue free!" I think Michael Jackson might be reading CRACKED! Although, the cover he's looking at reminds me of a MAD cover. "BFFV SFM WNYFA OAL WNYFA OAL PJH XFWDZ WJFT NA PJH AHGP NWWCH!

THE CRACKED MOVIE V: All the current TV detectives and action folks are called together by Mr. Sproul to find the CRACKED logo, which has vanished from the CRACKED safe. Magdumb P.I. and Nagme and Racey are the leads here. (Hey! I see Nanny Dickering!) The guys from Rippedride are there too! What a great* show! This has a fast flow as they track down the man that stole the logo. In the end, Jessycar Ketchup sums everything up. It was the people from Scaredcrow and Mrs. Cling! Pretty breezy and entertaining. I liked this opener.

ABSOLUTELY...THE CRACKED LENS...PART XXX: Keep it cool, CRACKED! Start with a strong parody and then hit us with some "Funny Fotos". There's a still from Star Wars. or Star Borez! Ha! Never fails to amuse.

PRODUCTS FOR PAMPERED PETS: Some funny stuff. The Canary Condo comes with five rooms, including an exclusive fly room with lots of Fly Space for your flying bird. Have a bored guinea pig? Buy him or her the Hathaway Story Cassette Library. Never be bored again. Henri's Fish Food Seasoning...the perfect blend of spices for your goldfish's fish food. Famous Amiss Flavored Hay - Chocolate, peppermint, bubblegum, pressed duck, Kentucky blue grass, McIntosh Apple. Three pages of smiles.

A CRACKED CATALOG OF EQUIPMENT & SUPPLIES FOR WEATHERING WINTER: Another catalog? Hmmm.. Luckily, this one's fun. The Sno-Tow Walkway Rug "Our Bottoms Are Waxed For Pulling Ease." (Mine too! And, I'm Pierre L!) You roll the rug out over a walkway. It snows. You inflate the walkway and then slide it away, dumping the snow on the lawn or in the woods. Weatherperson Hate Mail! So much profanity! Wait...I'm thinking of something else. This article is three pages and I like it. On Your Guard Germ Guard! You get fake arms that shake sick people's hands for you! I like this bit.

KITCHEN LAND: The Ultimate Roach Amusement Park! So, I stop reading and suddenly the magazine becomes more fun than it's been in ages. Three pages of roaches having fun in your kitchen. We Have...Catapult Rides! They sit on the edges of mousetraps and go flying. We Have...Jungle Gyms! Playing in Swiss Cheese. We Have...Water Rollercoasters! Sliding down the drain. We Have...Trampolines! Jumping on sponges. And of course we have...Convenient, nearby, affordable, accommodations. So Come On Down! (That would be a Roach Motel.) Great article. Laffs galore.

ROCK MUSIC WORD PLAY: And, they're having fun with Word Play. Every square is a popular or classic rock tune. Eye Of The Tiger, Heart of Glass, All Night Long, Roundabout, White Wedding, Double Vision, Footloose. Cool.

Wait...Roundabout?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SUPER TYPE...: OK, well. One of these in an issue doesn't hurt and it is Super Hero stuff. "...if you're struck by lightning and like the way it tickles!" "...if you're fast enough to dance with three guys at the some time." "...if you're a terrible lover because you keep fracturing your partners' rib cage." Ouch. Two pages = easy peasy. I like the art here,

IF DIFFERENT NATIONAL PRODUCTS BECAME THE WORLD MONEY STANDARD: Repeat from Issue #133

A CRACKED WESTERN YOU'LL NEVER SEE: This one-pager almost works. But, the art is a little garbled at the end. It seems like there is a panel missing between the penultimate one and the final one. I get the joke but it's awkward.

CRACKED'S LITTLE KNOWN TRIVIA FACTS: Funny Fotos continue. Although, the Fotos aren't actually funny. It's what CRACKED places around them that makes for funny. We get questions...A still, sometimes with a word balloon in it... and then the upside down answer to the question. Example: Where is the world's only talking train located? We see two businessmen. One of them is looking at a train. The train is saying "Pssst! Wanna race?" The Answer: Brotwurst, Germany. Hey! The Mad Hatter is in one of these. Some very silly questions, some nice use of stills and some silly answers make for a gloriously silly experience in the land of the CRACKED Magazine. Thank you...How's that, Glenda?

SAGEBRUSH: Two pages of SB! 7 several panel bits. Wow! I haven't seen this much Sagebrush in here since Momma used to do it herself. Scintillating!

Sorry everyone. I just had a "Holiday Eggnog" and I'm feeling like the "Best of the Best 3: No Turning Back"!

THE CHARMING INDIA FIRE DEPARTMENT: Another fun one-pager. This issue is really breezing by with laughs. I'm impressed and surprised.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE BREAK DANCING KING: Why isn't Nanny around anymore? She "snagged" the Millionaire King. Way to go, Nanny! So, we have Cassie Collingwood and she's a sweetie. Less zaftig and more of a regular gal. She interviews Shabu! or Lincoln! (He has two names.) They walk around his urban neighborhood and he talks about breakdancing. We see people tangle themselves in knots and a guy "wear out his seat" spinning on his butt. But, in the end, Shabu doesn't breakdance because it's a magazine. Wise choice. Good interview. Welcome, Cassie.

IF THE WHOLE WORLD TURNED FAT: "...did you ever stop to and think what would happen...if everyone turned plump overnight?" I think it would go a little something like this. James Bond would have a big gut. Jokes about "My wife being so slender!" Elephants and rhinos would be the new house pets. Big girls in bikinis would sing songs about Tub Cola. Cher's Workout Book would be called "Fat at Last" There's a fat cast of Diff'rent Strokes and Magnum P.I. Blimp-Man would drop his giant butt on the villains. I like this article...The water bed gag is killer.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Graffiti
2 - Rick Dyreks?
3 - Shoot The Clown

Shut-Ups have Shut Me Down!

BACK COVER: Hudd & Dini - They tried again and they didn't make it. Well, they're persistent. I'll give them that.

So, we have the most consistently excellent issue of the magazine in a very long time. Maybe if I hadn't stopped reading regularly the issue before I would have gone on reading forever. Good issue. Sproul Is Going Out Strong!

Next Issue: Say goodbye to Sproul. One Last Round.

*I meant "awful"

CRACKED #210: PRELUDE

2010-12-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

December, 1984.

I had been reading CRACKED religiously for a year-and-a-half. 1984 was The Year Of The CRACKED for me. I remember buying Issue #210. I remember believing that it would be (as many of the others were) the best issue of anything ever. It was The A-Team again! Third time in 10 issues. I still didn't like the show but I sure like what CRACKED did with it. In December 1983, I had purchased #202 and, what had been sort of a casual relationship, became a year-long Good Time.

That would end in December, 1984.

It wasn't the issue that did it...it was another thing that I loved reading...something that I couldn't quite get into properly before. But, now, I had an allowance so I had some money every week. And...

Throughout the 80's, we would set aside one Sunday for Mall Day. This was the day we went to the malls and bought everyone gifts. And, we always picked up ourselves a little something too. This was a Very Special Year. For the treat that Young Pierre bought himself was...a comic book. Two comic books, actually.

Batman & The Outsiders #19 - with some guy fighting Superman in the reflection of a Christmas ornament.

Who's Who #1 - The first in a 24-issue index to the DC Characters.

In the past, I couldn't be assured that I could buy a comic every month so I never collected series. Too many gaps in stories. But, Who's Who was different...for the next two years, I would be in Empire Comics every month buying the next one. And, during that time, I also picked up many other comics, including The Official Marvel Indexes...to Amazing Spider-Man & Fantastic Four, The Watchmen, a Red Tornado mini-series, Crisis on Infinite Earths, a lot of the "New Marvel Universe" stuff and plenty of Ambush Bug. For two-and-a-half years, I was a crazy comic book fan.

But, with the Comic Age beginning, the CRACKED age ended. I did not but 211 or 212. I bought 213 because there were monsters on the cover. But, after that, I only bought randomly, mainly things with monsters on the cover.

My brief, but magic, love affair with CRACKED ends with this issue. Let's read and then we'll enjoy...in that order.

CRACKED # 210: Butch & Slug Won't Know What Didn't Hit Them

2010-12-20T14:15:00.000-08:00

March 1985
by Pierre L.

I never noticed the shoddy background until right now. Didn't matter to the Kid In Me. The A-Team going non-violent was an awesome idea. I hope Butch & Slug didn't shoot the guys! Oh, and where'd the lady, that I couldn't remember being part of the team, go?

POSTER: I wanted to hang this one on my wall. But, I didn't because it would have ruined the issue. I wish folks who bought this issue 26 years ago had not hung the poster on their wall because, when they go to sell this issue on Ebay, the resell value dips into the toilet...hard. "This Poster Is Out Of Order - It read own your at risk" Yes, I know, CRACKED, I know.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Same pruuph raedre. They got rid of Elaine O. but kept the same PR. Fine with me. He does good work.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: No "next issue" box. But, there is a "Statement Of Ownership etc." And, the readership is half of what it was in the second half of the 70's. Most of those were such great issues. I wish I hadn't been a baby or a small child then because I could have read and enjoyed those heartily.

IF THE A-A-AYY TEAM WAS MADE LESS VIOLENT: It would sure be wacktastic! A little boy's hamster was kidnapped and the team goes into action! Mr. T tickles a man. They point their fingers and go "Bang. Bang. Bang." They torture a man by making him watch D.C. Cab and then...MR. T makes a man faint by showing him a picture of Boy George in a bikini. (No one man informed Pierre's sexuality more.) Fingernails scraped on a chalkboard save the day!

But, their ratings are terrible! It got beat by Lassie and then went off the air in 1973! Violence is Back! Thank Christ!

A funny opening bit and I do remember thinking that this boded well for a killer issue.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXIX: They really love those commas. 3 great pages. Hey! Shelly Duvall! Some guys scaling a building. I laugh and learn with Lyla.

DON'T YOU HATE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY: Oh well. They can't all be killers. You know (and I'm speaking to you Rob!) that I'm not a big fan of this sort of article. Occasionally they're cool but much of the time they just feel tired...no one has to work too hard to get it done or maybe they do and I'm wrong. Regardless, I'm not a huge fan but this one actually isn't bad.

...when your mother bakes a carrot cake instead of a chocolate cake? (I've always enjoyed carrot cake. In the picture here, a mom has a cake with carrots sticking out of the top. Not sure what that might be or if, possibly, this kid's mom is crazy.)

...when your sister gives you a present you cant use...so she gets to keep it herself? (This nerd got a Cabbage Patch Kid! What a clone!)

...when everyone gives you practical gifts instead of fun stuff? (Amen!)

...when your horoscope is stupid? ("For Those Born Today: Anyone born today is destined to be average. Creative pursuits are pointless, as you have no talents. As you strive for success you'll find many stumbling blocks, don't let them trouble you, just give up, it's useless...you're a waste.)

CAREER GUIDE FOR OBNOXIOUS KIDS: Wow. Another one of these. Left side: "Does He/She..." Right side: "Future Career:" Well, it's not quite the same set-up but it's in the same spirit. "Tell fibs?" "A Politician!" "Play 'hooky'?" "Civil Service Employee!" "Throw tantrums?" "A famous entertainer!" In that one we see a kid on the floor yelling "Wahh!" Then, we see a "rock star" with a microphone yelling "Wahh" (My copy cuts off any exclamation point.) CRACKED, still going after rock and roll, huh? Oh well.

FRONTIER DUDE: Killer article! Fake magazine for "...sophisticated buckaroos who cotton to the finer things in life." There is a picture of several very severe looking Native American Women. "More Captivating Squaw Pin-Ups Inside!" This bit is five pages and whoever wrote it should have done more for this issue. It feels like effort was put into this. It's a set of old West cliches spun round into some comedy. Well done! "Side Kick" deodorant for gunslingers. There is a column by Ma Perkins called "Advice To The Gay Dog". "What sort of Maverick reads Frontier Dude?" I like this bit. If I could, I'd reproduce it for you but then I'd be arrested for reproducing copy written material on the Internet. It's Christmas...Why do you want me to go down that road?

WORD PLAY: Awesome. I love "Spiral Staircase" and I figured out that one! Two pages of smiles.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MTV FREAK WHEN...: Wow. They've got everything I don't like in this issue. Is there going to be a "CRACKED looks at..." later on? Yes, you want MTV dinners. Yes, you trade in a boombox for a portable TV. Yes, you count rock stars instead of sheep. Yes, CRACKED discovered MTV...move on.

RANDOLPH THE REINDEER: I will be transcribing this beautiful Yuletide Poem in a future post. Stay tuned.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT BIG PROBLEMS WHEN...: Did they have a file full of these marked "Unused"? It was the end of the year. Seems like they have half of an actual issue and half an issue of CRACKED GENERICA. "The plumber arrives, looks at your leaking pipe and says...'Uh oh. I'd better call my office and clear my calendar for the rest of the week.'" "On your honeymoon, it's just..." I can't do it. Sorry. It's two pages and then it ends.

TRANSLATING TECHNICAL TALK: Seriously, guys...What the hell? Left Side: When They Say. Right Side: They Mean. Sigh. POLITICIANS - "When They Say - Because our consumer index is out of line with our gross national product, we must amplify our personal revenue commitment." "They Mean - Taxes are going up again!" WEATHER PERSONS - "When They Say - The forecast calls for cold air mass tendencies with an accessible high pressure zone leading a warm front with a 50% chance of precipitation throughout the interum.[sic]" "They Mean - Your guess is as good as mine."

THE CRACKED MONEY DIET - 22 WAYS TO SAVE OVER $600 (MAYBE): I like the art on this one. I like the bit about sending one family member to a movie and then having them tell the others about it. I like placing a mostly-empty toothpaste tube under the tires of a car and having Mom back up to get the last of the paste out. I love the "Recycles Old Greeting cards" bit. I used to do that. "John, Happy Birthday - Aunt Martha" becomes "John, and I wish you a Happy Birthday Aunt Martha." Fun article.

SAGE BRUSH: What is he up to now? Hey! It's Abundant Bill! A decent one-pager.

THE CRACKED TV WATCHERS GUIDE TO SMALL SCREEN ETIQUETTE: "The Indispensable Manual for Proper Behavior Near and Around a TV Set when Either Alone or With Others." "The phone rings during part 3 of a 3-part mini-series. What is the correct procedure to follow?" Give the phone to the dog! "So Bobby, how was your science exam?" "Ruff." "Yeah, mine was rough too." Eat like slobs during commercials but sit and watch when the show is on. There's a lot of text in this bit but there are some funny moments. How to sit while watching the Major Networks compared to PBS? Check. There is a kid watching the "Mr. T Comedy Special". That's cool.

SELL IT BACK: One-pager with a good punchline. Frontier related...hmmm, interesting theme for this issue.

THINGS THAT ANNOY US THE MOST: Do I need to make the obvious joke here? And this is the big closing article...Oh, CRACKED..."Presidential news conferences that pre-empt only the good TV shows on TV." I remember Reagan pre-empting a lot of my favorites. "An itch that's impossible to reach." "CRACKED Magazine articles that are so good, that you can really relate to and are so entertaining, you never want them to end, but they do." And this one ends...

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Williams
2 - Pop
3 - Tex

The New Monkees!

BACK COVER: Hudd & Dini...No, they didn't make it out of jail this time either.

And so, my Heavy Reading of CRACKED Era ends...More or less exactly as it began with an uneven issue doing some things I loved and some things that bored me silly. Well, they were still trying (I think). Now, we move to the end of the Sproul era. What did he get up to before he left?

NEXT ISSUE: A Melange!

A CRACKED Blog Note

2010-12-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

It has been a long run. I have reviewed 86 regular issues of CRACKED, along with a few special treats. A lot of writing. A lot of work. And, I've enjoyed it.

Now, I am close to my Initial Goal - #212: The End Of The Sproul Era

My original plan had been to back up from #127, my starting point. I hope to, one day, review every Regular Issue of CRACKED. I might go forward from #213 at this point. Or I might follow the Original Plan. I haven't decided yet. I might go backwards and forwards. I don't know.

I do know that once #212 goes up I'm taking a break. I know, I've taken them before but this one is Upon Reaching A Goal. So, I'll be back in February. Maybe we'll do some Collectors' Editions. Maybe one of the CRACKED paperbacks.

Regardless, it will be fun. Thank you for reading.

Pierre L.

CRACKED #209: Turn it on, CRACKED. Turn it on.

2010-12-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

January 1985
by Pierre L.

MTV...you are in trouble! I wonder what "Space Shuttle" could possibly involve?

POSTER: "Official Location Map" But, hey! It' doesn't make any sense! A series of varying shades of yellow and a series of locations make for a series of yuks in the House of Pierre!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Mick Stupp, pruuph raedre" There's a man dressed as a banana! The hell? I just wet 'em and I'm not even inside the issue yet!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - Dec. 11th, 1984. A reading turning point for this blog writer or "Bliter". Oh, did you notice...the magazine is now $1.25, instead of $1.00. Comedy isn't cheap. (Except when Pierre Writes it! I'm kidding! It's the holidays. I'm full of mirth and nog.) On Page 5, there is a "Sliding Down The Family Tree" article. "A Continuing History of the house of Sylvester" This is from Issue #128.

GRUMBLINS: Perfect choice for this time of year, this time is so much fun.. It's a 7-page breezeparody through the movie and it's fun. It goes very quickly and misses quite a few high points but, if you've seen the movie, it's fun. In fact, it actually makes me want to go and watch the movie again, which I remember being fun. The whole piece has a nice Christmas feel and if you know Pierre then you know that I've got a nice Christmas feel to me, a feel of fun.. Good parody to open the ish with, a fun.

Ishwith!

CRACKED LOOKS AT ARCHEOLOGY: This one's sort of a free form series of panels, many without borders, that is pretty darn funny. Two archys break into a tomb proclaiming "It looks like they were more advanced than we thought." We see a guy sitting in a chair with a "GO NILE U" T-shirt on in front of a TV. There is a very funny Atlantis Hilton gag. And, they find lots of Tupperware at one site. This is a funny bit. 4 pages of me laughing and then smiling and then cheering Nile U!

YE HANG UPS: Four panels. Four learning experiences regarding being held prisoner in the Middle Ages...Dark Ages...? Could I get a date here, please?

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY...THE CRACKED LENS...Part XXVIII: 5 pages of chuckles and laughs and a still from Freebie & The Bean! The Heck! I'm in CRACKED Heaven! "I promise never to wear this tie in public again." is a favorite. "I always point my lettuce to the North." is another one. Nice.

SHOWBIZ-TYPE ELECTION ADS: "California Ron Battles The Party Of Doom" "Tax Breakin'" has old people break dancing. "Kremlins!" "The R-Team" And..."Tuesday the 6th - The Final Chapter" This is one of the very few references to the slasher era of the early 80's, which was now ending. It would go into a very independent area soon, including all of the SOV's. It is odd to see Jason's mask with the knife through the eye. I wonder if CRACKED realized how many kids loved slasher films, even if (like myself) they were too afraid to watch them.

CRACKED BLASTS NASA: "Space Shuttle" is revealed! Anyone here ever play the Space Shuttle Atari game? Starcade once offered it in a prize package. If you have played it, quit being so smug. Anyway, two pages of one-panel gags about the space program. I love the art in this one it's nutty. The gags are variable but I find myself smiling and going "Ha Ha" throughout.

IF FAMOUS LINES WERE SAID IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS: This bit looks very familiar. Roderick, could you check the back files to see if this is, indeed, a doubler?

Regardless, "I never met a man I didn't like" shows two cannibals having finished a meal. "There's a sucker born every minute." has a man at LaLee Pop & Sons, Inc. getting excited about his job. "Gee, grandma, what big ears you have." shows a girl watching Grandma haul ears of corn from the field. I put my Laugh Hat under my mouth and filled it up!

WHAT ATHLETES DO IN THE OFF SEASON: Hurdler (Mailman), Pole Vaulter (Coconut picker), Javelin Thrower(Trash Grabber), Discus thrower (Skeet Shooting Thrower), Hammer Thrower (Ace Demolition Co.) Each multiple-panel strip begins with the athlete doing their thing and then it becomes their job. Good.

THROUGHOUT HISTORY WITH THE REAL GREMLINS: 2 pages, six two-panel strips showing Gremlins on an ark (not Noah's), at the Ford Theater (you know what I mean), in Mrs. O'Leary's shed, on the Titanic, with Samson & Delilah and in the Watergate Hotel. Obvious but not without its patent CRACKED charms.

HOW SCHOOLS CAN SAVE MONEY: Combine English & Auto Mechanics! Combine Home Ec. & Biology. Pay showers! Ads everywhere! Hey! They will save some bucks! They should go with all of these plans. Really, if you need to save some money for your school system why not go to CRACKED? They've got the Inside Track! Kids can purchase a "can't be called on" card so they can't get called on. Combine classes and rent out the now unused rooms as Hotel Accommodations! I think they're onto something! My Funny Bone!

STAR DREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOOK: I never saw this movie but I read the novelization. And, I think this parody is a fine parody of the novelization of the film that I remember from over 25 years ago. Although, it does that thing where it's so busy telling it's CRACKED-style jokes that major moments (like, say, the Enterprise exploding) could be missed. So what do all the panels deal with? Comedy! Right in your Fat Pants! The place CRACKED aims for and hits!

My Fat Pants are burning right now.

CRACKED INTERVIEW THE MUSIC VIDEO KING: Lionel Itchie! I get it! Cassie Collingwood (who?) interviews Mr. Matthew Thomas Vealgrinder. (Initials, please.) He talks about running MTV and how popular they are and how they show a lot of the same things over and over...but, they rejected a video from Clara Peller. "...she had a song called "Where's The Beef?" It consisted of her mumbling that phrase 100 times to a disco beat while a hamburger danced around behind her." That's awesome! Cassie's OK. She's no Nanny. There are some funny bits here about MTV. I do forget how popular it was. I remember everyone assembling to watch Thriller. Have I told that story before? Maybe I have. "Where's the Beef?...Where's the beef?...Where's the Beef?...Where's the Beef?"

SHUT-UPS:
You've won me back.
1 - Volcano!
2 - Artichoke Man!
3 - Human Zoo!

This human's laughing hard!

BACK COVER: GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS! "Eddie (Boom-Boom) Rodriguez rides his 500th winner with no losses." He shoots the competition!!!!

Well, I liked this issue. Maybe I'm feeling overly festive but this is Hoots Town, U.S.A.

I can't wait to read the next issue...It's an important one for Pierre.

Next issue: It's an important one for Pierre. The next issue that I can't wait to read.

CRACKED #208: Thank goodness Indy still has his gun.

2010-12-09T10:30:00.000-08:00

November 1984
by Pierre L.

Short Round is in mid-air. Was this a greenscreen shot where the artist forgot to put in the background? Well, it is nice to see Indy back. I haven't seen Temple of Doom in years and years. Hey! Look! Another Fall Guy parody...Was Fall Guy that popular?

POSTER: Pee yellow background but with a white border..."How to Avoid Confusion!" I like this one. There is a lot of text but that doesn't ruin it. A little bald guy leads us through it and gives us a Thumbs Up in the end.

Here's the text: "Many things become confusing because we expect that other people are going to be confused about something that we may be confused about./In order to avoid confusion we must be sure to think that we think that the other person thinks that they know what we think./Don't you think that's right?/I'm not sure that I think so, but you may think that I think so and so you think that I think that you think that it's so./See how easy it is if you...KEEP IT SIMPLE!"

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Bill Sproul" is now the editor. Mick Stupp is our pruuph raedre. 9 writers.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Michael Jackson's head is in the lettuce. I think it may have been there last issue. Next issue - Oct. 30, 1884. One letter mentions a JACKSON 5 poster. Where is my Jackson 5 poster?

INDIANAPOLIS BONES AND THE TEMPLE OF GLOOM: More or less each panel covers a scene in the movie, except for the opening sequence. That takes three of the 7 pages. It felt like they were stretching out and then forced to speed it up. It reads a little weird. Maybe this should have been longer, maybe better paced. I don't know. It's not a bad read. It moves fast and there are some funny moments. It's just such a bumpy read. Strange. You think they would have got the knack of this sort of thing by now. But, I was tempted to go back and watch the movie again after reading this. That can't be bad.

A CRACKED CATALOG OF SUMMER SURVIVAL GEAR: Three pages of goofy ads...An Ice-Pack headband is just a headband with cubes of ice in it. They melt and cool you off as you go about your business. Buy a can of Cling-Off to keep clothes from sticking to you. An Insect Repellent Vest is filled with bullfrogs. And, a special tanning tape with dye packets. The sun melts the packets leaving a tan behind! (Not a "tan behind" a "tan in its wake".) And for the New "Punk Tan"...Yeah, a punk joke. Oh, CRACKED, thou art square!

THE MISS MATCH: Funny one-pager.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY...THE CRACKED LENS...Part XXVII: Sorry. I didn't feel like writing out the whole thing. 4 pages of Laffs! Really Truly, these are always fun. And, this is no different. Maybe there should be a bound volume containing every CRACKED Lens ever? It could sell for $400.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BOATING: Repeat from #129

ANOTHER CRACKED LOOK AT A VIDEO ARCADE: The weirdest article in some time. We see a lot of games: Ms. Pac-Man, Food Fight, Dragon's Lair & Tron. We see Bunny Bash and Spinach Monster, which may not be real games. There's a lot of stuff in the background of these one-panel gags. And, sometimes, the foreground. A man plays the tiny version of Pac-Man as the gag happens behind him. (You know the tiny coin-op games. You got them for Christmas. I got Galaxian.) All the stuff going on makes for a lot of fun...But, it's the words that throw me. The opening: "It's been a few years since we took a peek at what goes on inside of one of those electronic game rooms and..." "Electronic game rooms"? What the heck? And, has it been a few years? That Video Game Special I reviewed was less than a year before this.

That is not the really odd thing, though.

Two ladies talking:
1: Video has helped me lose 26 pounds.
2: Go on. How could video control your eating?
A joke follows.

Two kids.
1: That's it! I've had it! No more video for me today!
2: But you love video. Why would a fanatic like you quit?
A joke follows.

Two different kids.
1: My dad says video is a waste of money.
2: Not my dad...In fact, he thinks kids should play video at least 3 hours a day.

"Video"? What in the Name of the Lord? There are no "video games", just "video". Did anyone ever call it that? The super-weird thing is that I can see them goofing like this (The Fonze) at the start of the trend. But, at this point, we're nearing the end of the 1st Wave of "Video". What the hell are they talking about in this article?

Actually, the oddness of it makes for an interesting read.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE 1ST DATE AND THE 2ND DATE: Some of this is fun, like "Making Out". Maybe 1st date and 7th or 8th date, instead of 2nd. I've been on plenty of 1st and 2nd dates (Yes, even Pierre L. can find love!) and this article seems off. Something stolen from Henny Youngman's notebooks possibly. This bit has a couple of nice moments but doesn't quite make sense.

CRACKED PRODUCTS FOR EVERYDAY USE: Repeat from CRACKED #156

THE CAMP GOTCHAMONEY NEWS: They haven't had something this wordy since the Cowtown Gazette. It's a camp newspaper. Four pages of lots and lots of text. Unfortunately, this isn't as funny as Cowtown. It's too easy a target. Making fun of bad food, old dancers who don't know the "hip" moves, counselors that are jerks...There is, however, an editorial that is titled "Please Don't Pick On The Fat Ugly Kids" Funny title. No need to read the editorial. That's the way most of this is...If the headline is funny, don't read the article. It has nothing. But, if the headline is bland, read the article. I never went to a sleepaway camp, just saw them in movies. Maybe this would mean more if I had...As it is, it's definitely worth a read but I didn't lose my trousers over this.

rodrigues' SIDE SHOW: Three pages of some very strange one-panel bits. I like this. It is bizarre, which CRACKED is, generally, not.

CRACKED HOLD-UPS: A funny round of these goofball gags! Still love 'em!

THE FALLING GUY: The last Fall Guy parody was in #198. Was the CRACKED community clamoring for a repeat? Well, as I was part of the community at that point, the answer is No. But, I like this one better than the first one...only because I'd read the first one and was familiar with it. The joke about Lee Majors stuntman is a good one. It all has a nice flow to it that makes for an easy read. It's more coherent than the opening parody. I will, however, pass on future Fall Guy parodies, unless they're teamed with Simon & Simon.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Reggie
2 - "The color's off on your set...the hair looks blue and lips look green...plus the sound is really awful!" "SHUT-UP! Nothing's wrong with my TV set. That's the way my rock videos are supposed to look and sound!"
3 - Makes no sense.

Odd...this SHUT-UP alienated me, especially the last one. Am I missing it? Does it make no sense? To the Back Cover...

GREAT MOMENTS IN INVENTIONS: Super Hold Glue! Kickass back cover. Thank you very much.

It was an issue of CRACKED. It had some good moments but many more "Huh?" moments. I can feel the era sliding to a close. And, I can also feel the time when I read the magazine, as a child, also coming to a close...What do the final four bring? Well...

Next issue: Rock & Roll! (And, we all know how good CRACKED is with that subject.)

WE HAVE FUN WITH VIDEO GAMES

2010-12-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

CRACKED Collectors' Edition
December 1983
by Pierre L.

A little break before the Final Five. As anyone who was a kid then knows, if you didn't go crazy for video games, you were a lonely kid. My cousin got an Atari 2600. The Boesels got Intellivision. The Romanos got an Atari 5200. Aunt Mary got a Colecovision. Then, my cousin got some sort of computer thing that we played Miner 49er on all day long. It was awesome.

Eventually, we got an Atari 2600. The games were all awesome, even when they clearly stunk to High Heaven. I remember very clearly the nights that we got Pac-Man and then Donkey Kong. (Maybe not in that order.) Kids came over. We sat and played for hours. Although, Pac-Man was the same badly designed board over and over. And, Donkey Kong was the same two boards again and again. Eventually, we had about 13 or 14 games. Then, in the mid-80's, it ended. In a few years...Nintendo. Another story.

The arcades? Well, apart from Chuck E. Cheese, I never used to play, just watch. Tokens for video games - I used in video games. Actual quarters - Better use was put towards buying books. (I liked books. My Target collection of Doctor Who just kept building.) I remember standing for an hour near a Dragon's Lair game that had a monitor over it that showed the gameplay. I watched (along with about 12 others) as this guy won the game. It was pretty thrilling. Then, I went home and played Swordquest: Earthworld and annoyed myself.

Seen today, that seems like a strange age where some playing in the arcade and all playing at home felt like it had a gauze over it, especially when you saw Nintendo a few years later or games today. The games were so poor but we loved it so much. I have an Atari 2600 today. I have about 40 games, more than twice what I had back in the day. Playing it is fun. The games are still a hoot but it feels like it was from 1,000 years ago. Music, movies and TV are different. What an odd feeling...the Video Game Memories.

But, of course, all of this isn't getting CRACKED reviewed...move on.

Fun cover. And, of course, the promise of a "FREE ARCADE HEAVEN GAME" is a thrill. The cover is so busy and fun that it almost makes you forget the Pee Yellow background.

INSIDE FRONT COVER: THE CRACKED BOOKSTORE! Wow...they still owe me stuff. SUPER CRACKED #15 - Unemployment Game KING-SIZED CRACKED #10 - Fonz For President T Game. (I'm not sure what a T-game is but I've got my ideas.) GIANT CRACKED #21 - Vampire Game! I want all of these!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: I love when CRACKED does what they do with the photos on the right side of the page. Three big pictures of coin-op video games: Space Invaders, Pac-Man and Defender. Just three pictures, no jokes. It's enough that they show them. Like the big poster of The Fonz in #134. No proof reader. Val Mayerik is one of the artists...the heck?

Most of this issue is new stuff. If I hit something I recognize, I'll tell you.

LETTERS TO CRAC MAN: Oh yes. Truant Office jokes! The flow of jokes actually has a storyline. People play games. People spend money. People get mad at the games. They break records; they don't. And, in the end, a guy (Melvin Bluenote) prefers the change machine...he keeps his money. CRACKED, I have learned from thee.

THE CRACKED WORLD TO VIDEO GAMES: Repeat from #184. Two things: 1) It uses the same "change machine" thing as the letters page. 2) The game is not "Space Explorers". It is "Space Exploiters". Pierre goofed. Go back to the entry for #184 and jeer at my fallen pants.

ARCADE HEAVEN: Board game on two pages! You start on the outside and play and play until you get to the center...All sorts of great squares and video game icons. "Town Puts a curfew on all arcades - Back 3" "You get a bronze joystick for your birthday. - Ahead 4." Stuff like that. Space invaders, Ms. Pac-Man, Frogger...kick-aresery. I love this.

THE CRACKED VIDEO LENS: It's 3 pages of great. All the classic stills we love but everyone is about video games. A teacher strangling a student. Teacher: All right Johnny, I give in! You can take the day off to play "Q-Bert"! Charles Kuralt looking at us. CK: And now that you've been totally bored to death by another one of my on-the-road reports, I suggest you turn off the TV, plug in your video computer and play "Tron". Great stuff.

VIDEO TECH: It's the college for video game players. The Spring/ Fall 1983 Catalogue. 5 killer pages. I wish I could replicate this whole issue for you, especially this bit. You'd be swimming in it. As it is, I'm overwhelmed and not sure what to single out. There's a page of courses (Introduction to Super Zapping and Trakball 301). Campus Life, including the ceremonial "Changing of the Dollar". And, I think, my favorite, the Campus Map. Intellivison Avenue is near Hyperspace Road. Pac-Man Park is a park shaped like... Atari Drive is near the Tempest Memorial Gymnasium. Random Token & Coin Changers dot the grounds. You have to see this article.

TV CONTRAPTIONS WE'LL SOON BE SEEING: Repeat from #157. Better here than in that issue.

THE JOYSTICK REPORT: "The Latest Blips and gossip from the video game world". It's two pages and, while it's not great, it's definitely a lark. The one that really grabbed me..."The boxes of those home video games usually look so much more interesting than the game themselves." We see "Alien Attack" A spaceship speeds towards a planet. Then, we see the game...One small ship shooting tacky bullets at a lame alien. "Blip-O-Vision has decided to buck the trend. The company's games are going to be much more interesting than the containers." We see the "Jungle terror" box and it's a Pitfall-looking guy going up a vine being chased by a crocodile. Then, we see the game...it looks like a cool cartoon...I always loved in "Starcade" when they'd offer the game "Kid Grid" and another (that I don't remember) as prizes. The boxes looked so cool but, when I saw screenshots of the games...they were hilariously horrible. I guess there was a great deal of "Turning a Blind Eye" being done then as long as we could play games.

A CRACKED VIDEO POSTER: CRACKED's 10 Most Wanted List
1) Pac-Man
2) Ms. Pac-Man
3) Asteroids
4) Space Invaders
5) Frogger
6) Donkey Kong
7) Galaxian
8) Tempest
9) Centipede
10) Qix

Cool.

GREAT MOMENTS IN VIDEO HISTORY: 4 pages. I'm not terribly thrilled with this bit but it's OK. It's too much like the Video Lens from early but with more explanation for the jokes. "April 1983, a New Hampshire youth went so far as to sell 'Money Trees' in order to earn quarters for Frogger. A family is shown with a "Money Tree Souvenirs" sign. A kid says "A beautiful Money Tree souvenir for your husband, lady?" And, there is something very funny about the crooner with his hands out who, in the still, is clearly singing but in the mazagine he's saying "Awwh. Come on. Won't somebody please give me a quarter to play 'Stirke Force'?"

VIDEO GAME QUIZ BOOK: "Guess the Symbol" & A "Word Search" & a "Silhouette Quiz" and a "Jumble Jamboree". It's an actual four page real Quiz Book. Wow...It's Christmas 21 days early.

ILLUSTRATED VIDEO GAME NEWS: Well, now maybe they're begin to repeat themselves. It's a mix of The Joystick report with CRACKED Lens photos. "Video Game Hotshot Plays Defender for 67 Straight Hours" is accompanied by that shot of the guy from The Alligator People getting scaly. "Video Game Theme Park Declared a Huge Success" is accompanied buy a shot of an ape throwing a guy around and a giant chicken. (Joust, sort of).

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY A VIDEO GAME FREAK IF...: "...if your idea of a nerd is a guy who actually spends his lunch money on lunch." In high school, I spent my lunch money on cassettes. The catalog of Rush and XTC's Oranges and Lemons were purchased during weeks I skipped lunch. "...if the only chips you're interested in are microchips." We see a guy at the "Vendo-Snack" giving a Thumbs Down to Potato Chips! "...if an earthquake rattles the arcade you're playing in, and you think it's just the special effects." Taken from Starcade Episode #59. It's two pages. It's brief.

NEW FORMS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT: Well, they are beginning to repeat themselves, in more ways than one. Repeat from #143

VIDEO GAME CALCULATOR READOUTS: Fun. One page with 12 different...wacky things to do on your calculator. Example: 4. The Organization that demanded a female version of Pac-Man (1634690 divided by 2) 11. The feeling that describes someone who's mastered the fourth and final screen of Donkey Kong. (24806 x 2 + 5566) Super cool.

I'd forgotten there was a fourth screen in Donkey Kong.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE VIDEO KING: Repeat from CRACKED #181

AN UNNAMED ONE-PAGER: Funny convict gag.

INSIDE BACK COVER: VIDEO PUT-DOWNS. Three panels with stills and shanks! Fat ones! One example: A man, a lot of cops and a crying woman. One cop is looking at the man. "Mr. Willard, your wife claims you pulled the plug on her while she was playing Asteroids. Is this true?" It's an OK page.

BACK COVER: A repeat from #184.

Well, it does fade near the end when things become a little repetitive. You can do that with Monsters but Video Games require a little more variety. However, this is a kickbutt Collectors' Edition. I recommend this one for anyone whose experiences were similar to mine.

#207: What do you know? This issue's pretty good...

2010-11-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

October 1984
by Pierre L.

Michael at the height of his Living Fame. It's a fun cover. Kind of fades into strange blue figures after Boy George but still cool. Now, of course, a Pop Star is not the same thing as a character in a TV show. How much can you parody from someone who released a big, big, big album but wasn't appearing on TV every week in their own show? Well, you go after the videos, you go after their commercials, you go after their personality. Michael later in the decade would have been a lot wackier. But, this issue, oddly enough for this time, is actually quite good. Join me...

POSTER: Pink border. Pink heart. I [heart] the Jackson 5
1. Reggie
2. Jessie
3. Kate
4. Glenda
5. Stonewall

The heck! Those aren't The Jackson 5! You guys!!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Lem E. See, ppppf r der" Hi, Lem. Welcome to the magazine.
Here's an odd thing...One of the little pictures on the side is from the "Opposite Page" of the Hold-Ups. Interesting.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - August 7th. "What's Wrong With This Cover" Contest Winner - Ryan Ruggles from Camarillo, CA! Cool...Mills & Baker Burger are now Official CRACKED Reporters. Worst joke? "Dear CRACKED, After FUTURE INSECT MONSTER MOVIES comes true as you predict, can insects on TV be far behind? Frank Sommers Sun City, Ariz." "Dear Frank, Nope, In fact, we heard there's a special planned entitled BEETLE OF THE NETWORK STARS (ant we're gnat ashamed of that gag either!).

IF MICHAEL JACKSON HAD STARRED IN...: Michael in everything! "ET" & "The A-Team" & "Star Trek"...Of course, Michael was with The A-Team in the last issue but he didn't have a Mohawk...He's a Vulcan on Star Trek and they meet Boy George. It's filled with entertaining chicanery of the sort that CRACKED Dutch Rubs on your ass in every issue. Now, the puns are out in force here..."Here you go, Mr. Spock." "A tube of Poligrip? What do I want with this?" "Someone told me that the captain's bridge was loose." This stuff is fun but Oh, the puns!!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really men it this time, for sure!) PART XXVI: 4 pages of yuks and waiters dancing through the air and Rosie Grier in overalls and Charlie Chan and it's good stuff, as always.

THE '84 OLYMPICS GO COMMERCIAL: Everything Olympics-related has a sponsor. A man with a Bic lighter lights the Olympic flame. And there is a "Free Commercial Plugs Final", which Ronald McDonald wins! The third page has various ads, like Canyon Towels perfect for crying into and "Winners Can be Losers" - a lady with dandruff has won! Very visual bit and pretty amusing.

The 1984 Olympics were the ones I watched avidly as a child. I loved all the ads. All part of the fun.

CRACKED HOLD-UPS: Wonder Woman and mermaids and old ladies falling into manholes. "STOP! Don't read this page first! The fun starts on the back of this page! Turn back and enjoy the surprise...just for the fun of it!"

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO SWIMMING: 4 pages of OK stuff. It has a nice "Guide" flow. There is a man dressed as a kangaroo and a fat lady. A guy dives into a shark's mouth. Some guys go to the beach. There is a "No Dogs Allowed" sign. So, ugly Bertha-Mae isn't allowed! The backstroke has funniness within it. One guy dives into shallow water and hurts his neck! I wish I'd learned how to swim from this. I just hit the water and swam! No comedy involved...CRACKED please teach me.

HUDD & DINI: "How To Soap Carve" leads to a "Take The Money & Run" ripoff. Oh well, Hudd & Dini, take it outside.

CRACKED'S TOPSY-TURVY VIDEO GAME PUZZLE PAGE: There's a word puzzle. The words? "Asteroids, Centipede, Defender, Donkey Kong, Frogger, Pac-Man, Pengo, Phoenix, Qix, Turbo" Let's play all of them. There are all sorts of fake goof puzzles. A Maze that grabs your shnuts. "Which of the Pac-Men Below Are Twins?" This only goes for two pages and should last for more. I like it.

A CRACKED LOOK AT SUMMER CAMPS: Repeat from #145

TALKING EVERYTHING: Talking shoes mean that every morning we can "expect to be greeted by sole-ful comments." Washing machines, boom boxes and wallets they talk. And, they're sassy, like Dee Thomas! The bathroom scale nags your big, phat arse. Diaries have alarms. It's charming and it's a Nutrocker. Enjoy.

ONE FINE DAY AT THE BOWLING ALLEY: A guy from Bonz Demolition Co. figures out a way to stop gutter balls. The nut!

THE MAKING OF THRILLER: This is a fun article, narrated by Michael. He tells the story of how the classic Thriller video was made. It's a CRACKED LENS-style article. Michael talks. And, we see assorted stills (Herman Munster, Barnabas Collins, dancers, marching bands, Bob Hope) that relate Michael's story. This is a six page bit and it works. It's just the standard sort of article that CRACKED does well linked to the Absolute Magnificence of Pop Culture at the time. Well done, CRACKED.

THE WISH: Wacky art and a strange, almost grotesque, closing panel. But, a good gag.

CRACKED'S SUREFIRE EXCUSE KITS: All right, well, this one has a lot of text. One big drawing for each kit with all sorts of arrows and explanations and craziness and it's OK. "Dog Ate My Term Paper Excuse Kit" You get a partially chewed-up paper, fake claw marks and band aids, X-ray of your dog showing paper in tummy, reference pages that show you did your research. It's stuff like that. There's a "Ran out of gas" and a "Flat Tire Excuse Kit" and others. It's OK but a bit overdone for my tastes.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE LEMONADE KING: Repeat from #129

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Lefty!
2 - Jack!
3 - Magna Carta

Lefty Jack & King John signed the Magna Carta in 1215.

BACK COVER: Cool drawing. Great Moments In Sports. The invention of Sky Diving in Monga Wanga circa 304,787 BC.

I like this issue. It moves and it's fun. The stuff that works outnumbers the bombing moments...Is this a new upturn in the Final Sproul days of CRACKED? Or is it the Last Gasp? Let's look ahead...

Next issue: The Return of The Awesome Action Hero!

CRACKED #206: This one was inevitable

2010-11-26T11:35:00.001-08:00

September 1984
by Pierre L.

Hey! The magazine's a dollar. How long has that been going on? Back at #127, it was 50 cents. Comedy is expensive, folks. Just ask The Sprouls.

Again, why is there nothing in the background here? Regardless, Sylvester combining Michael and Mr. T is cool and, yes, I did buy this issue when it came out.

POSTER: Pee Yellow! "Everybody Makes Makes Mistakes" Do they ever! That yellow is killing me but the jokes are delightful.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Marcus Absent, pruf rdddddr" Did they do that one before? 9 Writers! This issue should be hilarious.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: More "CRACKED Reporters", another Fan club message and the next issue on sale July 3rd. James Melberg loves their UPC code.

THE A-A-A-Y-Y TEAM: Wow. They loved this show. Michael Jackson's silver glove has gone missing and he's hired the A-A-etc. Team to get it back. Mr. T counts Michael's 8 Grammys. They run around a lot. There's chaos and, in the end, they save the day...and, oddly enough, the panels on the final page are all on a giant stamp (No. 78). Like the other A-Team bits, this moves fast and has some fun in it. I don't think there are any new jokes about the show here but the addition of Michael makes it worth a read.

CRACKED HOLD-UPS!: Again...great...Find some light. Take this page. Hold it up. Do not place directly in flame

CRACKED LOOKS AT COMPUTERS: "Computers will change the way the world goes about its business..." Gangsters shoot computers for squealing. Computers have their own Christmas parties. They go on strike. Dracula will get his own computer to find people with certain blood types. The Pentagon has "Original", "Duplicate" and "Triplicate" computers. Couples that aren't talking to each other speak by computer. And, of course, there will be "A computer that helps select the right computer for computer customers". It's almost right about the way computers work now but it's got that little CRACKED Twist that gets me downstairs, if you know what I mean.

FUTURE INSECT MONSTER MOVIES: Repeat from #125 and THOSE CRACKED MONSTERS.

HUDD & DINI: Fake Pools! Those goofs got caught out again!

SNIDE GUIDE TO CAMPING: I don't mean to be a jerk but this looks like an article from the late 50's, early 60's. I don't know where exactly it's from but, boy, it feels like a repeat. However, as I can't prove it...There are jokes about setting up tents, pup tents, (it's filled with dogs) and bear attacks. There is a CRACKED catalog for campers page. A sleeping bag is an enormous bag. The 12-Piece Food Mooching Kit is used to get free food from fellow campers. It's like that and it's pretty good. At three pages, actually, it feels like it doesn't quite really get rolling, which is strange for CRACKED.

WORD PLAY: "Walk Around The Block" is the best. "Broadway" is pretty close, too. Love this bit. Although, some of them seem like cheating or, maybe, I'm just bad at them. "Broadway" is great and it seems like cheating.

THE ABC'S OF VIDEO: Hmmm...I got a little tired just looking at this one. 4-line poems about video games for each letter of the alphabet with wacky pictures included. I read it and then lost interest and then started again...Let me pick my two favorites:
"J is for the joystick
That you move around and 'round.
Ever wonder why you've scored so low?
You're joystick's upside down!"
A dumb kid drinking Space Cola goofs up, big time.

"Xmas is a time of love
And for sermons by Pastor Pav.
But most of all it's the time of the year
To get games that you don't have."
A kid is sitting on Santa's lap. He says "I want any, but mostly all of the 37 games on this list." I think Santa is giving us a look. I love the way the poem uses the name "Pastor Pav". That's some fine rhyming, everyone.

ONE LATE AFTERNOON IN A BUTCHER SHOP: Funny one-pager. Comedy Poultry...Find It Here!

IF KIDS TOOK OVER COMPLETELY: I never wanted to take over completely when I was a kid. I just waned to have fun. Was that so wrong? This article is exactly what you'd think...grown-ups have to be home by 10 and in bed by 11...supermarkets would no longer sell brussel sprouts and spinach...streets would have names like "Mick Jagger Drive" and "Lois Lane"...water fountains dispense cola...wow...this goes on for three pages...Mr. T becomes president. (This drawing of Mr. T is pretty hilarious. It looks like Burt Reynolds with a Mohawk.)...Kids get better allowances and all that sort of thing. It's not an article that really grabs me because it's so obvious. But, please, read it and tell me if I'm crazy. Maybe this kicks arse...?

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXV: A giant spider. Awesome! "Quick! Who in here's had the highest score on 'Centipede'?" I laughed. Nice to see it back. Four pages of good goofs with fun on your foot!

THE CRACKED WORLD OF MUSIC: Michael Jackson for President instead of "Jessie [sic] Jackson". A couple of really gross people play loud music in their apartment. One kid thinks that everyone is watching Empty TV. But, it's M-TV! Oh yeah! A guy named Vinnie wears an "I [heart] Pasta" shirt. The older generation still hates that rock and roll! A girl is taken to see "the Police" on her birthday. Squaresville, Baby!

MORE PRESS MISTAKES!: It's funny. "He put reserved signs on the seats of all of the important guests." A fellow is shown putting "Reserved" signs on people's big fat butts! "Your carpet dealer can be found if you get your yellow pages, and start looking under rugs." You can guess what the lady's doing here. I like this article.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE HAMBURGER KING: Boy, this one feels like a repeat, too. It's the Old-Style Nanny and there's a political joke at the end that feels dated but...I'm having a tough time gauging who the political figure is so I could be wrong. If anyone can tell me if this is a repeat, that would be great. But, until then..Mr. Mac Dandy own The Hamburger King and he rips everybody off with cheap meat and all sorts of chicanery...Nanny talks to him, gives him the guff right back and then meets Randy MacDandy, their clown. It's a swift five page goof on fast food. Fun.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Dump
2 - Orbit
3 - Juliet

There's wisdom in those words.

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Politics...Oh, those dictators!

Well, it was a CRACKED journey. I'm just nagged by the fact that I'm missing some of the repeated material here. But, this issue isn't a bad one. It's average CRACKED and that's all I needed then and it's all we're getting now.

Next issue: More of the same.

CRACKED #205: Thank God, it's Webster!

2010-11-25T10:33:00.000-08:00

August 1984
by Pierre L.

Hey! Webster and Diff'rent Strokes were kind of similar! I never thought of that. I do wonder why they couldn't have put something behind or around them, like a boxing ring and a crowd. I guess with the white background that places Arnold & Webster right into the CRACKED world. If it were more elaborate, it would be CRACKED in someone else's world. Yeah, that makes sense, doesn't it? Yeah...

POSTER: Nicely drawn and shaded. "In Case of Emergency...Break Glass" Sylvester is behind the glass dressed as Mr. T.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Mr. T. is in this issue. "Jhon Smiht, prrfff rdr rdr" 4 writers on this issue.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Another CRACKED Fan Club Secret Message...I guess I would have been pissed if I sent away to the CRACKED Fan Club and then discovered that these messages were nothing but bad jokes. But, isn't there a chance that that's all they are? Well...Next issue...May 29th. I would have been 11! There is a list of kids names. The "Official CRACKED Reporters"...Lucky.

WEBFOOT: I owned this issue and I remember this bit. Some entertaining jokes about Webfoot being so small. Catrine's hair goes crazy. Webfoot has a Mr. T doll. And, someone is pulling pranks around the house...it's not Webfoot. After we learn our Weekly Lesson, we find out that it's Arnold Drummond! He's jealous of Webfoot...Didn't Arnold do this in a previous issue's parody?

What was with the Lesson Teaching in rotten sitcoms of this time? Webster, The Facts of Life & Diff'rent Strokes really strike me as the greatest offenders. The comedy wasn't funny and we had to sit through a lesson. What audacity on the part of bad writers..."My jokes aren't funny but I'm qualified to give you a life lesson." Get the hell out of my house!

HOW TO EAT BETTER FOR LESS MONEY: Repeat from #151

CRACKED HOLD-UPS: Snow, skating, UFOs and portages...Comedy! I do like this bit. I wish I could have you over to the house and we could hold it up to the light together...I wonder it that "Don't You Feel Stupid" bit is coming back.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO JOGGING: Repeat from #146

HUDD & DINI: The two convicts go to scuba diving school! They go underwater and get eaten by a fake shark! Back to jail! Is the Scuba Diving School in the jail? Is that a good recreation activity for a group of convicts? The Sea has its own laws, I guess.

IF TV SHOW WERE COMBINED: Now, the issue is picking up. Here we go...

"The A-Team and Webster" - A Hoedown of Hilarity
"Knight Rider and AfterMASH" - Comedy Ahoy!
"Lottery & Dynasty" - The Das Boot of Parodies
60 Minutes and The Dukes of Hazaard" - Death by Comedy! Can CRACKED be arrested for this?
"Dallas and Diff'rent Strokes" - J. Er, Sewer Ellen and Arnold...Love it! It's nice to see Dallas in here. At this point, they were deep in their #1 or #2 struggle with Dynasty. I love Dallas.

GODZILLA TOURS WASHINGTON D.C.: Funny one-pager with a clever final panel. Nice.

VIDEO NIGHTMARES: Oh no! We see kids sleeping and their nightmares...Joey is going to set the new record when his baby brother pulls the plug! And, then the baby boy puts the plug in his mouth! Awesome! A girl is given 500 quarters but the arcades are closed due to the "Lithuanian Pizza Baking Holiday"! Oh, the Lithuanians! One boy loses his thumbs. It's a fun article that has a few real smiles in it and is chaotic enough to carry you through the four pages. And, of course, it's video game stuff.

THE THREE MOOSEKATEERS: A parody of The Three Musketeers that's pretty good. Pathos, Quartious and Sid fight some evil folks and they joke a lot...and there's a giant hand and a giant "SPLAT!" "One for ALL and the rest of us use TIDE!" "You drive a hard bargain." "No, I don't. I drive a '62 Palamino." It moves along nice. I don't love it but it's got it's charms. I do like when they go outside of the Present Pop Culture and wander around so..read it. Would ya, please?

THE CRACKED HOME COMPUTER I.Q. TEST: CRACKED, teach me. Lots of questions. A bunch of stills. Several stills from "The Lords of Flatbush". Someone at CRACKED must have known someone who made that film. Anyway...
A few sample questions:
5) Dig Dug is
a)Ronald Reagan's pet name for Nancy
b)A home computer game
c)Both A and B.

12) What is output?
a) What an angry mother tells her son to do with the garbage
b) What American workers are paid to produce, but don't because they're too busy taking coffee breaks.

21) What is a CPU?
a) The wrong way of spelling CUP
b) The person your father goes to on April 15 to do his income tax

29) According to studies, which member of your family will most likely NOT use your new home computer?
a) Juanita your Spanish maid
b) Fluffy your whitehaired poodle
c) Larry, your brother who got lost in the jungles of the Arctic and has not been heard from since 1943
d) Anyone who didn't chip in $40 to buy it

It goes like that. As you read, it's a mix of "Hey, that's pretty good" and some not-so-pretty-goods. But, I say, read it and try it.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE ROCK 'N' ROLL KING: Repeat from #153

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Al & The Burglars
2 - Gail & The Bumpers
3 - Fat Don & The Plank!

Always grand.

BACK COVER: Repeat from #154

Well, the new bits are decent. The repeats are fun. But, they're still repeats so that's not so good. I don't know. When I was a kid, I remember loving this issue. As an adult, it doesn't feel like it ever gets started. Well, we are truly winding down now. Let's see where we go next.

Next issue: All right! Let's keep the Pop culture Team-Ups Cooking!

CRACKED #204: Hey! That skeleton's eating a sandwich!

2010-11-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

July 1984
by Pierre L.

Great cover. I would have loved to have won the painting in this contest. I was buying issues at this time but I don't remember this one. Maybe I didn't buy it because there was no Pop Culture Junk on the cover. It's just a classic goofy Severin painting. It's too bad that almost a third of the cover is made up of the white header. Let me tell you real quick...Don't bowl in the street. Don't fish in the sewer. And, don't...DO NOT...put a saddle on a pig.

You'd think that was something everyone would just know not to do.

POSTER: THE CRACKED EYE CHART. Black on white. No pee yellow here! Funny sight gag.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Imogene is back as pruuuuf fder. I see Gary Coleman. And...I see a still from the Laurel & Hardy short The Finishing Touch. I saw that on the big screen in 1996. Hilarious stuff. Why remind people of hilarious things in this issue...unless, this issue is going to be hilarious...Do it, guys and gals!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - April 17th. What were your three favorite TV shows from this time? Mine were Manimal, The Rousters and Manimal. Have I already said Manimal?

MAGDUMB P.I.: Not a show I used to watch but this is a good parody. It all takes place around the place where Magdumb lives. Two guys show up to ransom off Magdmub and then the other guys at the wherever it is where they all live. It's a fast-moving parody with a couple of laughs that works because it's in real time and all stays around the same spot. I enjoyed this. It isn't going to send me out to watch the show but it was breeze of a read.

CRACKED HOLD-UPS!: Still surprising. A scientist with a tail. A robot eating nails. And gals running and lifting their skirts. Great stuff.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BASKETBALL: Repeat from #142

THE A-TEAM WAY OF DOING THINGS: It's like one of those Fonz articles from so long ago. "The normal way of entering a house." A kid yells "Mom, I'm home." The A-Team way...Mr. T bursts through the door! They're mostly like that. Whereas you or I might not destroy everything we come in contact with, there's a good chance that The A-Team might. Basically, that's the whole three pages...You might take garbage out to a garbage can. The A-Team packs it into a cannon and shoots it at their neighbors.

YOU CAN WIN: It's the Enter the "What's Wrong With The Cover?" Contest! page. And, again, it goes to Madeira Beach, Fla. 2nd and 3rd prizes: Atari Video Games!

WORD PLAY: A frozen "FEET" is "Cold Feet". ARMS/ ARM/ AR/ M is "Arms Reduction". RUB spelled backwards is "Rub the Wrong Way". Love this article.

DON'T YOU HATE IT AT THE MOVIES:
"...when your shoes stick to the floor to the point where you simply think about leaving them there instead of wearing them?"
"...waiting hours in line and the show gets sold out right before you get a ticket?"
"...getting caught in the middle of a straw wrapper war?"
"...when half of your malted milk balls are hollow and stale?"
"...when the snack bar counter is greasy from popcorn butter?"
"...that your hot dog is half the size of your hot dog bun?"
"...when a couple in your row decide to re-enact their own version of 'Romeo and Juliet'?"
"...when the only vacant set is in the front row?"
"...sitting next to a guy who laughs at parts that no one else think is funny?" (Slasher Alert!)
"...when the only vacant seat in the hose happens to be behind a professional basketball player?"
"...when the missing letters on the marquee make it impossible to figure out what's playing?" ("Y_CA_N__DA_U__SE" & "T_A___K__BD___GHT")

For some reason, I felt like writing it all down. Make your own decision on quality. The art is fine.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE THE MORE THEY REMAIN THE SAME: "In The Past"...."Over The Years"..."Nevertheless..." It's an OK bit. It's rather MAD-like. But, it goes on for four pages and that's too long for me. It's not that great. One example: "In the past man traveled at a snail's pace." We see a Biblical-era man walking. "Over the years man invented faster and faster forms of transportation." A train shoots along a track. "Nevertheless, man still travels at a snail's pace." Traffic jam!!! It's all right. Not a great bit but all right.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXIV: Four pages of fun...but there is that L&H still. Makes me think I could be watching those guys and enjoying them rather than tripping trough the uneven world of CRACKED.

ALAFFIN'S MAGIC LAND: If this ain't a repeat, it should be. Kid rubs the lamp. Genie flies out. The kid and his two friends want to be a big rock group. You take it from there...

THE GARY COLEMAN WORKOUT BOOK FOR KIDS: Not the funniest bit but it is nice to see Gary Coleman again. Gary lifts a 30 lb. salami over his head and then takes a bite. He stretches his arms to get the cookie jar. He uses the Video Pushaway at the arcade. It's kind of an underdrawn article but it's worth a read.

CAT GIFTS FOR CATS WHO HAVE EVERYTHING: Two pages of fun (mostly famous) cats hanging out with their cool stuff. "Imported French Fleas" "Fridge With Private Door For Tabby" "Curtained Kitty Litter Box" A "Cat Sampler" that reads "Every dog has his day but the nights are reserved for cats."

HUDD & DINI: They try to escape...but they don't make it!! Gorillas are involved.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE OLYMPIC TRAINING KING: Repeat from Issue #136.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - No Cable TV on a deserted island!
2 - The Ten O'Clock News
3 - Hang that jerk from the hanging post!

Best bit here is the little drawing on top. Dracula, as a bat, flies into his castle and finds that a cat is using the soil in his coffin as a litter box. it's fun.

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Safety...Og Bog Almost Invents The Life Preserver...But, he doesn't. Not really.

This one didn't turn out to be high hilarity. Well, all the attempts at crazy satire from two issues ago and all the attempts at new twists on old jokes are gone. We have returned to the old world of CRACKED. And, frankly, it's sort of boring me. The repeats aren't helping either.

Not a bad issue. Not a great issue.

Next issue: Hey! There's a combination!

CRACKED #203: Sylvester Looks Good...

2010-11-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

May 1984
by Pierre L.

It says "The A-Team" but we know it's Mr. T. I wonder if they ever covered the Mr. T Animated Series? It's an odd cover because it's not much of a joke. Sylvester beats Mr. T at arm wrestling? Is that actually funny? Or is it something else...

No, I think it's meant to be funny.

POSTER: Pee Yellow and Black! The room is condemned! Your room! Oh no! This one seems like a "We've had this one sitting around for years. Let's use it now." one.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Manuel Writa, prfffffff rdr Mr. T...dressed as a woman? Awesome.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - March 6th. They are offering a chance to become an Official CRACKED Reporter - List your three favorite TV shows and win a chance to have your name appear in CRACKED. Odd...the address is in Madeira Beach, FL. Did B. Sproul leave NYC for Florida? As cliche as it sounds, that may have been what happened. Of course, that's just a guess.

THE A-A-AYY TEAM: This parody is awesome because of all the video game stuff. Someone is fixing all the video games at Glade Arcade down at the Scubby Doo Celebrity Mall so kids win tons of free games and never lose. Star Raiders, MACH 3 and Q*Bert get a mention. Excellent. I was wondering how they would justify another A-Team bit so soon after the last ones. Mix in Video Games! Video Games and Mr. T = A Formula For CRACKED Success. Of course, by early 1984, we had experienced the video game crash of 1983 so the First Round of Video Games was fading. But, hey, CRACKED is CRACKED when it's CRACKED! The article does end by admitting that Mr. T is everywhere, as it should be.

CRACKED GUIDE TO WINTER SPORTS: Excellent one. Maybe it's because I like Winter Sports, I don't know. But, this one has a fun announcer who takes us from Skiing to Ice Fishing to Sledding to Ice Skating to Duck Hunting to Heavy Petting (On The Couch). The jokes are older than ever but this one moves very fast. Not having to focus on one sport means that when they run out of old jokes...they go on to the next bit.

CRACKED HOLD-UPS!: Still great times. The bottom one where the golfer says "What's par for this course?" is kickass. This is a good addition to the magazine's regular articles.

HOW THE ADS OF TOMORROW WILL EXPLOIT THE ENERGY CRISIS: Repeat from #168, except they've changed the Cadillac Cub model to a 1984.

DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID: Well, this one's less of a great regular article. Spelling words wrong, breaking knobs off of TV sets, splattering ketchup everywhere...it's an encyclopedia of things to make you feel stupid...Did they do a CRACKED Collectors' Edition of "Stupids"?

THE CRACKED HISTORY OF THE AUTOMOBILE: Repeat from #167.

WORD PLAY: Still a breath of fresh air (that feels like it's in the wrong magazine) in the center of a now-uneven publication. Breaking A Promise! Awesome!

THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE: Fun article that feels like it might be a repeat. (Two reasons: 1) mention of Farrah Fawcett & 2) a guy calls himself a "clone" - CRACKED circa '77-'78.) But, I don't remember it from anywhere else. "Look at the problem in the left panel. Can you figure out what you should have done beforehand to have prevented it?" The first one has a left panel with a wife, husband and son staring at their burnt-down house. Then, you flip the magazine and the left panel shows the boy throwing away his Chemistry Set. Stuff like that. I applaud CRACKED here. They are using the same old jokes but putting them in a different format. The activity of turning the magazine every few seconds makes this article memorable, even if the jokes are not of the highest caliber. I do love the house in the swamp. How would you live there? And, as always, the closer is a really bored kid...who should have bought CRACKED!

AFTER M*U*S*H: No 10 in the Ratings of the 1983-1984 season. Ironically, the Network put it up against its issue mate, The A-Team, and Mr. T and pals wiped the floor with After Mash. So, my first thought of "Why this show?" is answered (the high ratings thing). I only vaguely remember watching this show. What's funnier that the show or this parody is a bit from Not Necessarily The News on HBO. "First, there was MASH. Then, there was After MASH. Now..." We see two Koreans standing in and empty field. "Before MASH!" One turns to the other and says "When are they going to get here?" Best MASH parody joke ever!

THE CRACKED HUMOR QUIZ: It's THE CRACKED LENS where you pick what goes in the word balloon...Again, another tweak on the format. Each movie still gets three possibles...yes, Henry Winkler appears in a still from The Lords of Flatbush. Oddly enough, the word balloon covers (I think) Stallone's face. It's fun to do this quiz once and then carry on...But, The CRACKED LENS was the one part of this mazagine's format that didn't need tweaking. So, enjoy and carry on to Nanny.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE 3-D KING: Nanny's breasts are at her largest in this article. Possibly something to do with 3-D. I would go see the 3-D film called "The Bean That Attacked Boston". Sidney Schlock is the 3-D King and he is preparing E.T. 3-D...hmmm, why does this sound topical? People have troubles with the glasses and...there is a strange typo where Nanny mentions the film "Robotron - The Killer Robot Who Wasn't Very Nice" and we see the poster that says "Robot Man - The Killer Robot Who Wasn't Nice." However, the audience's reaction to 3-D toothpaste is awesome and worth the price of admission. Five pages of fun 3-D gags. Odd that they love monsters so much but kept so far from slashers. I bring that up because I was a kid who loved both and this was when I bought the magazine... An article on kids trying to sneak into the slashers or hearing secondhand stories about them would have been fun.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Jail
2 - Cola
3 - NASA

Total - Janasa Cola, PhD!

BACK COVER: One Afternoon in the Big City...Great one-pager. It has a video game punchline, which I love. But, what's with the colors? Pee Yellow background. All text in black. And, the panels are a sort of baby blue...Strange.

Well, they are trying to do some new twists on old material. And, they have found a new subject to base a lot of their covers around. But, we'll have to see. Most of this issue is Average CRACKED. The tweaks do give me a feeling that are thinking about ways to keep folks reading but will it be enough? What's up for the next issue?

NEXT ISSUE: Keeping it fun.

CRACKED #202: One of the oddest issues I've seen

2010-11-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

March 1984
by Pierre L.

But, of course, it came out in mid-December 1983. I was 10. Christmas Vacation began. We went to the supermarket in Irondequoit (Wegmans) and I scoured the magazine racks for...Oh yes!The new CRACKED and there's a Christmas reference on the back! My mom had a mini-van. My Mom, my sister and I were driving around town as she ran last minute errands before the holiday celebrations kicked in. I'm sure I was hoping for some awesome gift of some sort (probably several) but I don't remember what it might have been. When my Mom and my sister went into one store, I sat in the mini-van. I remember that it was snowing. I remember that it was very cold. I sat, nestled into a seat, almost as happy as a boy could be, and read CRACKED #202. And, I loved it--- all of it. It was perfect.

We got home later that afternoon. Fire in the fireplace. Waiting for the USA Cartoon Express to start up. They'd been showing Christmas things. Maybe there was something Holiday-esque on that night. But, I do know, with hot cocoa in hand, I read #202 again and again...And, although it barely touched on the holiday, it was Christmas to me that year.

And now, some-odd years later...I'm reviewing the issue for whatever it is this is...Oh, Pierre L.! Where has the time gone? Well, let's dive in and see what we see.

The cover was great. #200 had MAD stuff on it. Two issues later...they're really going after them. I wonder if I would have seen this as a kid and thought "Hey! It's MAD! Oh wait..." It's such a sparse cover, though. MAD still had those elaborate covers. This is just the Mad to Cracked bit and a picture of an orangutan in a suit. "Mr. Smith!" I watched that show. Mr. Smith was in politics. And, the show bombed in the ratings and was canceled three days after this issue came out. So, when I bought it, it would have been off the schedule already...That's comedy!

POSTER: DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME reading this poster because it doesn't say anything. CRACKED! You've shanked me in the Funny Bone! And, I'm bleeding mirth!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Rhoda Book - pru rrrrder Lots of writers and artists on this issue. 10 and 7, respectively.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The "Statement of Ownership etc." is here...Total issues per month for 1983: 579,728. Boy, check out my post from 07/24/10. In 1975, they were doing a million a month. Now, they're down to half that. Why did I love it so much at this time? Why did I watch Mr. Smith? Next issue - January 24th, 1984. I was in 5th grade. Sylvester with a Mohawk in the lettuce! What's next?

THE DAY MR. SMYTH SAVED KNUT RIDER: Classic CRACKED parody. Bad puns, big panels and not too much to read to slow things down. There is something almost perverse about teaming a hit show with a show that is 72 hours from leaving the air forever...but that's the "Jaws-3D" era of CRACKED for you. This one has a nice goofy flow to it and...an awesome twist at the end...Conold Drumming and Webfoot have hacked into KITTY (Mr. Knut's car) and is making it go kooky. That's why they call in Mr. Smith. Did you like the way I backed the plot in there? This was one of my favorite parodies as a kid...I still like it.

CRACKED HOLD-UPS: Again, they are rather hostile but oh so funny. Page 13 has the set-up. Hold it up to light and page 14 gives us the kicker! King Kong, vampires and guillotines await!

WHEN THE WORLD RUNS OUT OF SPACE: Repeat from Issue #127. But, missing Page Four, the one where the government tries to convince everyone to kill themselves.

PRODUCTS THAT JUST MISSED!: This is as great as the Tamper-Proof packaging bit from the previous issue. Samwell House Coffee "It's good to the NEXT to the last drop!" 6UP didn't make it because of one lousy "UP". Radio dinners bombed. The "Fair Humor" Ice Cream bar tanked. Really Cigarettes put the filter in the center. Heins 56....No dice! And, my favorite, the "Baby Irving" Candy bar. Great article.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF OWNING YOUR OWN PHONE: Three pages of strips about cordless phones (one funny bit has a Mom hunting everywhere for the phone) and installing phone booths in your living room and taping you wife's yap shut to keep the phone bill down! I love the bit about the kid who is late getting home from a friend's house. His friend has a special sound effects machine that plays while they're on the phone. It has "Airport", "Taxidermist", "Dentist", "Bus Depot", "Health Spa" and "CRACKED". The kid hit dentist but I always wished he hit CRACKED...what did they sound like? ("Can I use a 'Woe not Woah' joke in this issue?" "We did that last time." "Gotcha. What about a 'gorilla of my dreams' bit?" "We did that two or three issues ago!")

ONE AFTERNOON AT A COMPANY PICNIC: And the oddness appears..Don Orehek, who's been with CRACKED for years...does this one-page bit that looks exactly like a one-page MAD bit by Don Martin...down to the art and down to the joke. The Three-Legged race is won by a three-legged man...That's MAD...Or is it something else?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE BORING WHEN: Oh, this is still CRACKED. Bill Ward's wacky drawings cover all that boring stuff...your doctor wants to record your voice and prescribe it as a sleep aid...your reflection yawns when you talk...stuff like that. The best part here is the border around the article...tons of yawning and sleepy people. I don't think I even noticed this bit when I was a kid.

WORD PLAY: Change of Pace is awesome! Actually, this is my favorite one of these. I didn't get any of them but I like them.

ANOTHER SIDE OF LIFE: Now...here's the weirdness...either CRACKED is at its most clever or I'm ill... This is a spot-on parody of Dave Berg's "Lighter Side" articles. It even has one of those bits above the title: "Birdseye View Dept". It even features an appearance by a man who looks a lot like Roger Kaputnik. It starts off calm on the first two pages. The subjects of the strips are Exercise, Diseases, Kids' Cereals and Dating. Then, they start to go goofy. Inflation (Sort of), Accordians[sic], Only Children, Vegetables, Dinosaurs, Bus Breakdowns, Baroque Pianos and Henways. Yeah, this is a parody all right, even down to the rather lame jokes and observations that MAD always had.

But...CRACKED has spent so long trying to imitate MAD that when they parody them it feels strange. The bad jokes in here are really not that different from the jokes CRACKED uses in a normal article. The strips subjects are the best part of this. Once you read them, there's almost no point in reading the actual strips. It was a bold move to parody the magazine you've trying to be for 25 years. But, it only goes to show how, at the base, no matter what the tones or structures of the two magazines, they always used the same dumb jokes.

As a kid, I don't even think I would have noticed what this article was supposed to be. I would have just thought "They're ripping off MAD again!"

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXIII: Thank goodness! New ones! I love the first one with "Very good class, tomorrow we'll learn to turn our heads to the right." But, on the third page, there's that Marlon Brando in the bath still that they've used before. How new is this one, I wonder?

FAMILY TIES: A parody done exactly in the style of MAD. So, it's a parody of a MAD parody of a TV show. It even does that MAD thing where all the main characters are on the first page and there are huge word balloons as they explain themselves. Then, we get six pages of panels filled with word balloons. They abandon the usual CRACKED pun-filled world and go into the slightly more observational land of MAD. And, it's fun. But, I don't know if they meant to force a compare & contrast but the Mr. Smith parody is more fun to read.

DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID: More of these! Although, these aren't as hostile as last issue's batch. "When you get up, rush to get ready for school, go into the kitchen and your Mom says it's Saturday?" "When you bend over to tie your shoelace and your pants split?" I don't think I remember seeing this article either.

HUDD & DINI: Have these guys been in any of the ones I've done or is this their first appearance? I'm doing a blog search and I don't see them. Odd. They've definitely been here before. Maybe prior to 127? These two wacky convicts get caught and brought back to jail by the Wily Sheriff! It's fun...And, it feels a lot like a variation on Spy Vs. Spy...

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE STUNT KING: Repeat from #128 Nancy at the start. Nanny at the end.

SHUT-UPS
1 - Aces Moving
2 - Ronny Reagan
3 - Tiny Lady

Why is this so great? I'm pretty sure I went around the rest of the day, back in 1983, telling everyone to Shut-Up in an hilarious manner.

Maybe I didn't get any gifts that year?

BACK COVER: ONE EVENING AT HOME - Another Orehek parody of a Don Martin thing that seems exactly like a Don Martin thing. Christmas does appear here.

What can I say? This issue is alternately Good CRACKED, Mediocre CRACKED and CRACKED at its sharpest. So sharp in its parodies of MAD that it was years before I spotted them as parodies.

As a kid, well, this was the best. As an adult, it certainly has its moments. But, it does feel like "A Magazine Divided". What exactly are they getting up to? Maybe the next issue will reveal something? Maybe not...Let's move on.

Next Issue: Well, they came back quick.

CRACKED #201: I remember buying this issue

2010-11-17T08:55:00.000-08:00

January 1984
by Pierre L.

This one came out at the start of 1983. I was 10. I probably purchased this in Mid-November as Fall was kicking the leaves off the trees and Winter was sneaking up on me in time for Santa's return. So, what that means is this...this issue, regardless of quality, is something I am going to get a kick out of.

Loved the Cover as a kid! I've mentioned my journeys with The A-Team before. I only saw, maybe, three or four episodes when it originally aired. (Sorry, I was a MacGyver man.) I read more parodies of them in CRACKED. That's not a bad thing.

POSTER: I hung this one on the wall! But, there was too much reading on it. Folks preferred hanging posters with a more immediate kick. There's a big red dot. It's a poster from the (Pee Yellow) State Environmental Commission. Red means air pollution is terrible and that you should evacuate the area immediately. When my Aunt Cindy read the poster and looked at me saying "So, why haven't you evacuated?", I took it down.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: I. Emma Dork - prrf rdr I believe, as a 10-year-old, that that joke would have been the funniest thing I'd seen in ages. Not only did it say "dork" but it was in the official credits of the mazagine.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - December 13th (I really remember this one!) "Dear CRACKED, Loved the cover for #200. It really illustrates how you've been nuking your competition for many years. You're always first to do the hot movies and you're just out to make us laugh instead of depress us. CRACKED is the best magazine in the whole world! -Mary Ozimok Atlanta, GA" "Dear Aunt Mary, Thanks a lot and give my best to Uncle Fed." Elaine Ozimok is our Current Editor. "JAWS" Contest Winners - 1st Prize - Donald Phelps II, Oxnard, CA Congrats, Donald. Although, I think CRACKED may have chosen the wrong summer movie to back but...

THE A-A-AYY TEAM: I had hardly watched the show. I still have hardly watched it. So, I didn't get all the jokes and...I still forget that there was a woman in the team. This bit is filled with all the normal super-stale jokes but there are a few good ones. The lady's face as she sings Tomorrow. The old woman holding up the Ban Roll-on: "She's already got protection!" The bad cops with the huge speakers sewn onto their shirts. The bits at the "Run and Torture Amusement Park" always made me smile, especially the three panels through the fun house. And, of course, the final panel where TV cops from the past dress like Mr. T...Columbo looks fine...but Fish and Barney Fife are hysterical!

Yeah, I like this bit. The corny jokes are as stale as ever but there are enough moments that make me smile.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO BICYCLE MOTOCROSS: BMX! This one has less of the "caption is translated into bad puns by the drawing" thing. There's a look at a Typical Race Track with "Whoops" and "Ouch" and "Berm" clearly labeled. There are the entertaining "levels". The kid racing around his coffee table makes me laugh. And, this has one really great, great bit...When they're discussing safety....
"And since we're on safety: never drink paint." We see a kid with white all around his mouth and holding a can of "Ace White Paint". He says "I thought it was a vanilla milk shake." "It's got nothing to do with BMX, but it is a good safety tip." Fun!

Possibly, I am experiencing several levels of nostalgia here. 1) I remember buying this issue from the Wegmans in Irondequoit as we visited relatives. 2) The Holiday Seasons nostalgia of 27 years ago is mixing with the nostalgia of today. That's good Nostalgia! Maybe that's the only way to love this run of issues?

CRACKED HOLD-UPS: Love it! You get half of the gag on page 17. Hold it up to light...Page 18 appears and mingles with 17 and there is hilarity. I always liked the lady about to go off the cliff. Strangely hostile article, though. Maybe it's the "Hold-Up" thing. One of these is a hold-up. There's a Police Line-Up. (Line-Ups!) A woman about to fall of a cliff. A car crashing into a house. People stranded on a tiny island. A woman in a cannibal's pot. Still, hostile but yukariffic.

WHY IS THERE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR PARENTS AND OTHER KIDS' PARENTS?: Odd title. Because it's one of their "compare & contrast" articles. Your parents on the left being ridiculously strict and "their" parents letting their kids get away with murder. So, the title is more of a rhetorical question attached to the article than a lead-in. Interesting. Examples?...Report Cards: Yours: "So what if both your arms were broken, what's the meaning of this A minus in P.E.?" Theirs: "Let's see. I promised you $5 for each 'A', so that's $2 for the 'D's, right?" Friends: Yours: "But mom, everybody's going to the dance." "I suppose if everybody jumped off a cliff you'd do that too." Theirs: "Mom, we're going to go jump off a cliff." "Have fun, dear." CRACKED is read by the "other" kids in the end. Breezy article. The "cliff" bit is funny but this is neither good nor bad.

DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID WHEN: These are rather extreme stupids. "When you rob a bank in New York City and get mugged on the way to the getaway car?" "When you make a perfect somersault dive off the high diving board and then finding out there's no water in the pool?" "When you break your leg while buying a pair of skis?" Stuff like that. The A-Team must have raised the violence level here. Slightly odd article. It just feels a bit off. Tough to describe without typing out the entire thing. I'm not doing that.

A CRACKED LOOK AT HOME COMPUTERS: Fun article. Random several panel strips. A "Glossary". And,a few lists and diagrams. A kid is given an actual apple by his parents. A kid watched "Dukes ofa Hazzardosa" for his Italian class (on the computer). A kid gets punched in the head (by the computer). And, a man subtracts 12 from 1500 incorrectly (on the computer). I can't wait to do that CRACKED Collectors' Edition on Video Games. I like the layout of this one. Not so rigid, more casual. This would have appealed to me as a kid.

WORD PLAY: It continues to be entertaining and I continue to get none of them right. Watch Out is my favorite.

THE ALIEN: Fun one pager. Cool art that gives it a 50's/ 60's sci-fi look mixed with today. And, when I say today, I mean Winter 1983.

AND YET ONCE AGAIN STILL MORE FROM THE CRACKED LENS: Repeat from #161. Will there be new CRACKED Lens before 212?

TREE'S COMPANY: Issue #156 was the first Three's Company parody. This one has some sweet Furley in it. There is a joke about a tree with hands. That's a Palm Tree. There is a big food critic going to Jack's restaurant. So, he needs the cast to help him out. Holy Crap! It's wacky! I love the moment when Jerk is shaking Mr. Surly for giving the "critic" cat food and Mr. S turns to us and says "Admit it folks. You haven't seen a great plot like this since The Honeymooners rerun you watched last night." Yes, pointing out how uninspired shows like this can get at the end of the article is now becoming a CRACKED cliche but...This is a charming parody. I like comparing it to the one from five years ago to see what they've done to the show.

I'm being very forgiving to this issue. Really, it's no different from the previous ones. The articles have just stayed with me for a very long time.

NEW TAMPER-RESISTANT PACKAGING: One of my all-time favorites. It takes tamper-resistant stuff to the extreme. Cigarette packages now have every cigarette separated by plastic. Hermetically sealed toothpicks in little test tubes. Peanuts - "Inside 200 Individual Safety Sealed Peanuts" The best is the Tamper-Proof TV dinner. The top and bottom covers are sealed and popcorn kernels are placed inside the ridges. When it's done cooking, the popcorn pops and blows the top cover off. I like this bit.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE SKINNY WHEN...: I could have sworn this was part of a "Skinny/ Fat" article from a past issue but I can't find it. It's just one-page of jokes about automatic doors and being used as a tent post. Strange filler bit. It's not really funny.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE PET STORE KING: Repeat from #144

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Titanic
2 - Rest Home
3 - Sherlock Holmes

NICE!!! But...this really feels like a repeat.

BACK COVER: Sagebrush. I applaud using a "Woe not Whoa" joke on your back cover.

Yeah, you know, it's not the best issue. It definitely fades in the second half but, in the first half, I was right with it and enjoying myself. I think this might be as good as Latter Day Sproul gets.

Next Issue: Oh, the memories!!!

CRACKED #200!!!!!!: Sticking it to the (Mad) Man!!

2010-11-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

December 1983
by Pierre L.

I expected some sort of celebration. But, I guess they're keeping cool. Such an historic occasion...well, they are zapping the competition! But, the "BUY ME!" in the corner seems a bit on the "begging" side of things.

Let's go in and see what they have for us...

POSTER: "POBODY'S NERFECT" And, to commemorate 200, this is on a Pee Yellow background!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Imogene E. Uss...again. I don't see much that looks really celebratory but looks can be deceiving.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: XFYH FA, XBCD YHYDHMW! TMNPH PF WZBEHWPHM NA XFLH OAL IHP O UHMWFAOB OAWTHM SMFY JNY! Is this "CRACKED Fan Club Secret Message" some sort of Happy 200th something-or-other?
Next issue - November 1st, 1983

WAR GAINS: A 7-page parody of this rather iconic (not incredibly iconic, just rather) 80's film with Matthew Broderick and a goofy computer. When one character says that the men who hover over the button froze, the army guy says that the air conditioning should not be up so high. This parody feels to me like a MAD parody. The jokes are less based in "Your Grampa's Puns" and more based in attempting to be satirical. Does it succeed? Well, I read it and it never caused me any trouble. I would describe this as a slightly atypical CRACKED parody that's good for some "chuckles & laughs".

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO HOBBIES: For four pages, we will learn about hobbies. "Some hobbyists raise pets." There is a guy with his dog attached to a a pulley system. The dog is in the air. One kid tries building models. Cheryl Tieggs![sic]. There is the suggestion that you try finger painting...Can you guess what the kid is painting? And, in the end, a kid is collecting CRACKED...Hmmm...Issue 200 material? Not really. Decent CRACKED material? Sure.

HOW TO BUY A NEW CAR: I showed my wife this one, as she's planning on looking for a new car soon. Divorce proceedings began on the 21st. This is structured like an older article (at least, that's what I thought) but I don't know where it's from. What Kind To Buy?... Choosing A Dealer... Getting a Good Deal... PITFALLS TO LOOK FOR... THE TRADE-IN... FINAL WORDS... (I don't know why I went All Caps halfway through there but I trust my judgment.) There is a Let's Make A Deal joke...Funny that most of the previous Hobbies bit was for kids and then this article is for adults...Who was this magazine for at this time? Because, this is when I was at the height of my enjoyment.

Checking the Wegmans or Bells every time I was in there...dying to grab the new issue...I do remember buying this one...From here until the end of 1984, I was at my CRACKED Height!!!!

But, what about this issue #200? I don't think I would have cared about the number when I was a kid. Hell, it was 1983. What would I have been able to do? Collect the other 199? I had an account on Ebay then but there was nothing for sale. It was just a blank screen.

HELP WANTED: Repeat from issue #143

WHEN ALL OF TELEVISION GOES 3-D: Bullets fly off the screen during the news! Archie Bunker will flick cigar ash on your carpet! Politicians will lean out of the TV to shake your hand. I like these kinds of bits. And, at three pages, it doesn't stretch the premise. You get some good gags and then you move on.

ACCESSORIES THAT DUPLICATE THE THRILLS OF ARCADE PLAYING RIGHT IN THE HOME: Defective Change Makers only $195. A Life-size Truant Officer $28.95. (What is a "Truant Officer"? I was 10 when this came out and I never saw a Truant Officer". Flying Elbow Attachment $49.50 "Authentic Arcade-Type Kibitzer Dummy" for $38.33. Says stuff like "Look at da hotshot blow another quarter!" I was hoping this would be more than 2 pages.

THE CRACKED LENS: Repeat from #173. It has a longer title but if they're just going to repeat this bit...I'm just going to leave out the full title. Eddie Albert is in here, too. Check out my Green Acres Reviews link to the left. Hey! They repeat, I advertise.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO HOCKEY: Now, I'm just becoming suspicious. I was pretty sure that they'd done this before...But, I don't see it in the issues I've reviewed. So...It's another Sports guide. Some wacky illustrations, "Now, let's try shooting at the net." is illustrated by a guy drawing a gun and shooting the net & fighting and endorsements are mentioned. Yes, there is a hat trick joke that involves the ref pulling a rabbit out of a hat. You know, I don't have much energy in this issue...possibly I expected something bigger and better for the 200th and the Regular CRACKED isn't cutting it. Sorry.

CAN YOU PASS THE TEEN-AGE DRIVERS TEST?: Multiple choice and, yes, someone filled in their choices. The original owner's choices? Going from left to right by page and then down by page, by row, they picked.
1: A
2: B
3: C
4: B
5: A
6: B
7: A
8: C
9: A
10: B
11: B
12: A
13: C
14: C
15: A
16: A

Thanks, Original Owner! If these look like your choices, give me a yell. We'll discuss Fun With Cracked!

HOW PAST EVENTS MIGHT HAVE BEEN REPORTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-CONTROLLED PRESS: Repeat from #124

I didn't actually say what I thought about the Teen-Age Driving thing. It's OK. Like all of this issue.

YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE 'ONE OF DEM DAYS' WHEN...: Oh boy, this had better be the all-time best one of these! Let me read it...Oh heck, it's not. Sigh...And, we're near the end. When does the celebration begin? "...the septic tank overflows the day of your planned backyard Bar-B-Q!" "...you see a dark funnel-cloud whipping down your side of the street!"

CRACKED INTERVIEWS STAR WARS CREATOR GEORGE LUCRE: A decent 4-page article with two folks who aren't Nanny asking George where his ideas come from. The half-finished Death Star is based on his first Frisbee after "Spot" got through with it. Light sabers come from two custodians arguing and fighting with florescent bulbs. (Not something you want to try at home, to be honest.) Jabber the Nutt came from spilling butterscotch pudding. (You had to be there.) The inspiration for Krankor? An IRS guy! Ha!! Well, this bit's OK. Just four pages of this kind of jokeballery and some of it was funny. I think this is a decent closing article for the issue.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - A stewardess to a goofy guy. (Acceptable)
2 - A dad yelling at a son. (Funny.)
3 - Submarine stuff...(OK.)

Shut-Ups, you are no longer on Comedy Parole! Keep those laughs coming.

BACK COVER: Sagebrush. 2 strips..a couple of giggles. Decent back cover...Although, the Sagebrush orange and mustard yellow color isn't too enticing.

So, what to say about Issue 200 of CRACKED? From its humble beginning around March 1958 until this point, the end of 1983, CRACKED has pushed to elevate the Yuk-O-Meter of America and the World! Has it always succeeded? No. Has it succeeded quite a bit? Oh, here and there. Did #200 say "Hooray For CRACKED!"? No, it didn't. 12 pages (at least) of repeats seems lazy to me. Was there some sort of Special Edition that celebrated this? Because the issue itself did not.

Now, there is absolutely no reason for CRACKED to celebrate if they don't want to. I think this might have something to do with Mad Magazine's #200, which also went without celebration. (Thanks for the scan, Doug.)

But, MAD #'s 100, 300, 400 & 500 did have some fanfare.

CRACKED, there's no reason to follow MAD so slavishly. You should have lived it up. It was your 200th issue, after all.

Next issue: I remember buying this issue, too. I hope they all wake up in time for #201. Fingers crossed.

CRACKED #199: Sylvester's Job Is Never Done

2010-11-13T19:04:00.000-08:00

November 1983
by Pierre L.

Jabba The Hutt has a little too much to eat. He doesn't seem to be in his palace because there's nothing but white behind him. But, he has eaten quite a lot..."Ripple Chips"? Do those contain Ripple? And, of course, he had a "Big Mic". The glass of "Burp" is fun. All that detritus at Jabba's base reminds me of some sort of Product Round-Up for the Wacky Packages. And, of course, Sylvester's on it...Some "Alke Sellzer" to make Jabba OK.

You'd think, after all the Star Wars hoohah and the rather sizeable-ish Empire Strikes Back kerfuffle, that they'd do more on the big "finale" to the series...A joke about Jabba eating too much is funny... But, he's that size anyways. It seems a rather lame joke for the cover. Looks good at first and then makes me think "You guys couldn't do a kickass killer cover for this?" When Jedi came out, I'd read the novelization twice and saw it on opening day with a crowd of friends. It was, at that time, the best film I'd ever seen. And, I think it was that way for a lot of others. Why wasn't CRACKED quicker off the mark?

I also question the lag here. Everyone in the world knew that Jedi was coming out at the end of May...Why is the CRACKED parody in the issue that came out in August? Why not June or July? Rush it through...it's the third Star Wars movie for Heaven's Sake!

Oh well. Let's step in to Issue #199 of CRACKED.

POSTER: DO NOT STRAIGHTEN THIS POSTER! It's off center within the cover borders...and it's pee yellow and the "wall" behind it is blue. Interesting colors.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Seymour Errs, prprrf RDrer. A guy with a chainsaw-ish item and R2-D2 bowling! Say, this might be great after all.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - September 20th

"Dear CRACKED, ...When, oh WHEN is your satire of RETURN OF THE JEDI going to be appearing in CRACKED??" "...as soon as you can turn to Page 6." Had they forgotten about it? There is a Lone Ranger/ Loan Arranger joke here. And, they just released another "SHARK COLLECTORS' EDITION".

Wait a second...Jaws 3-D came out on July 22. And, the issue that came out around the release date had a Jaws 3-D cover...But, the Jaws 3-D related article didn't actually reference the movie, apart from saying it was in 3-D...In fact, it still had Roy Scheider in it...So, they rushed out the Jaws 3-D cover with a supporting article that has nothing to do with the movie because they hadn't actually seen the movie...But, the biggest film of 1983 has to wait three months? Odd...I don't think they were paying attention.

RETURNS OF THE JED EYE: Of course, it starts with Blubba the Hut and proceeds swiftly through the set pieces. They do mention the June(?) Time Magazine that was all about Jedi and gave away stuff that happened in the movie. I remember that issue and I thought it came out before the movie was released. Well, it was 27 years ago so my memory is a touch hazy.

8 pages long and a nice parody to close off the trilogy. I am glad they watched the movie. I did complain but this is a decent parody, although they really didn't need to point out how much merchandising there is...I think they've done that previously.

So my troubles were all my own...This is a good opening parody for the issue.

PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE CHANGES IN SPORTS: Let me cover one:

Past: In the Gay 90's, a football player wore very little in the way of protective equipment.
Present: Today he resembles a knight in armor.
Future: In a couple of decades a football player will look like R2-D2's second cousin.

Baseball, basketball, horse racing, karate, tennis, skiing, scoreboards, bowling (R2-D2 again!)

It's a fun but obvious bit.

SIGNS THAT IT'S A COMPUTER AGE: It's two pages and there are some smiles here but they all come from my current comparison of the CRACKED Then and the CRACKED Now to My Now. There are jokes about kids learning the value of a dollar because of change machines. Video game inventors are now the BMOCs! Technology makes things really tiny. And, alphabet soup has letters with "computer" fonts in it! It's OK. I'm not falling out of my seat but I am smiling.

ONE EVENING IN A FANCY RESTAURANT: Repeat from #135

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO KITE FLYING: 4 pages...and another fun bit. Maybe I'm in a better mood today than I was during 198 but this is several swift, decent pages. I love "If you have to leave your kite while it's in the air, tie the string securely around an object you know won't be carried away." A kid ties his kite line to a fat lady! Killer stuff! The art in this one is nice and chaotic and the jokes are OK. I don't know...You start the issue with something strong and it carries along a while.

INCREASING CONSUMPTION IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN FULL EMPLOYMENT: Repeat from #134 (The Fonze!)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REAL MONSTER IF...: I could swear that this two pager is a repeat...but the guy with the chainsaw-esque device makes me think it must be post-1980 and I haven't seen it in a regular issue. Well, I love monsters so I love this...

Just saw this "Brian Buniak '83" at the end of the article...This is new. Sorry, CRACKED

"...the shaving commercial turns you on more than the program itself!" The Lon Chaney Jr. wolfman really likes those commercials.

"...your idea of fast food is a wall socket!" Frankenstein's Monster really enjoying a Charge! Great Frankie drawing!

All the monster's in this look pretty great. This is a cool bit. I wonder if it's in a CRACKED MONSTERS COLLECTORS' EDITION?

THE CRACKED FIX-IT YOURSELF MANUAL: by M. I. Handy. Maybe not so much MI! Oh, the laughs...Mitchell Irving Handy wrote the book. He shows us how to fix a broken chair leg & Troubleshoot TV Problems & Repair Hand-Held Hairdryers & Repair a Washing Machine & Fixing a Squeaky Door & Plumbing...I will admit that when I saw the title my heart sunk but this isn't bad...It cooks along for four pages. There are some fun drawings and some decent gags. TV won't turn off...Solution? Shoot it!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XXII: 4 pages, 20 laughs! Enjoy! The best one? Two guys standing in a graveyard. "Well no wonder I can't find my (hic) mother's grave. I just remembered...she ain't dead!" I think there is a still from Seven Dwarfs To The Rescue here. Nice.

HOW IS IT THAT...?: Oh, there's the filler! Three pages of this and we'd been going so strong in this issue. "When kids eat candy YOU'RE NOT EATING PROPERLY and IT CAUSES CAVITIES." "When adults eat candy they HAVE A SWEET TOOTH or NEED THE ENERGY?" "If you forget to renew things, you're IRRESPONSIBLE." "If adults forget to renew things, it SLIPPED THEIR MIND!" Next!

MISLEADING MOVIE AND TV TITLES: Time Bandits was not about crooks stealing clocks. 9 To 5 is not about gambling. Hill Street Blues was not about a jazz band. Hogan's Heroes is not about sandwich makers. A bit of a charmer this one.

ONE DAY IN METROPOLITIS: Repeat from issue #136

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE NEWSPAPER KING: Repeat from Issue #124. A Severin Nanny.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Whopper!
2 - St. Gaylord's Hospital!
3 - Stallone & Reynolds...and a lonely woman being told to Shut Up by her "friend".

Hey, these Shut-Ups are kind of mean! Why am I just noticing this now?

Woman: "...an' last night I saw Sylvester Stallone...tonight I'm spending an evening with Burt Reynolds!!"
"Friend": SHUT-UP!! You're not the only one who goes to the movies!"

Why yell at her? She doesn't have a wedding ring on. Clearly, she's lonely. Don't yell...I'm keeping an eye on the SHUT-UPS from here on in.

BACK COVER: Repeat from the back cover of #125.

12 Repeat pages. Less than last time but...I like this issue more. I don't think they've lifted themselves out of any sort of rut. I just think that this issue is (mostly) what CRACKED does best. This one's fun...

Next Issue: #200!!

CRACKED #198: That's an awesome cover!

2010-11-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

October 1983
by Pierre L.

So, we are just a smidge away from the big issue 200! And, this mighty shark, first appearing on the cover in 1975 (well, not him...the JAWS series), bursts out of the movie screens in 3-D! The shark is cool, the concept is fun and all the detail on the folks in the crowd are just wonderful. The UPC code does get in the way (and why does it have the yellow background and why does the top third have the yellow background). And, the whole thing feels crammed in but I like it. Hey! Check out the upper left hand corner. "Jaws Contest"! I hope it involves fighting with sticks!

Before we step in...you know all the repeats that have been popping up lately, well...that may be happening more often now...

POSTER: Repeat from Issue #145

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Will I. Goof, pruffffff rdrrrrr" I see King Kong and...another King Kong...Hmmm...

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Next issue - August 9th" Official Cracked Fan Club going strong...Another Secret Message...I have to try and decode these things. Amos Svoboda writes! One of the letters has the "gorilla of my dreams" joke in it...Oh boy, Mickey Michaels, we want to talk to you...Are you Forrest J. Ackerman's long lost son?

THE MAKING OF JAWZ #23: Fun opening bit that covers all the Jawz films they've made over the years. Not just 3-D, but fighting Rocky and going after King Kong and teaming up with The Godfather...Wait a second...Issue #131...The Godfather Meets Jaws is on the cover. And...there is a two-page Godfather Meets Jaws section...And, this article has a 1 1/2 page abbreviated version...guys...apart from that, it's a fun bit.

WHAT YOU'LL REALLY MISS AFTER YOU GRADUATE: When I graduated from grammar school, I didn't miss articles like this. Oh, the sarcasm! From me and CRACKED... "Today in World History, class, we'll be studying the luggage of Rumania." There is a Groucho Marx joke, which is funny. But, mainly, it's three pages of all the dumb things from school...I was going to list them but you know them...The Drama Club's performance of "Fiddler" really grabbed me. I'm scanning this article again and it's so Thoroughly Average CRACKED that I can't get excited about it...sorry...

WORD PLAY: Hey! 1 Page of this! And...as always...I didn't get any of them. Although, the giant Earth with a "What" on top of it rang a bell.

THE WIDER WORLD OF SPORTS: Repeat from Issue #139

ONE DAY ON ROUTE 14: Fun two pages. A guy following really fast chickens back to the farm. The closing gag isn't great but it's got a nice movement to it.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XXI: Well, they weren't in the last issue. It's great to see them back. But, this one is 6 pages...I think that's the longest one of these they've done in a regular issue. I wonder why so long. Possibly this ties-in with all the repeated stuff. Why all of these repeats as such an historic occasion draws near?

A gentlemen left an interesting comment under #197. Giving one possible reason for some of the repeats. Give it a read.

CRACKED'S EARLY WARNING SIGNS OF "NO RESPECT": Oh no...this is just like the "What You'll Really Miss etc." article. It is only 2 pages so that's cool. "When your parents finally gave you the key to the house was it from the lock they had changed two years ago?" "If you get higher than a D on any test does your teacher think you've cheated?" "Do you have to share your hair brush with the family's cat?" "Did your parents rent out your room while you were away on an over night trip?" Yeah...it goes like that. Someone must have loved these sorts of articles but it wasn't me.

MRS. KONG GOES TO TOWN: Fun one pager...I am wondering why the return of Kong in this issue but, as I said, this is a charmer.

THE TRUE STORY OF THE LONE RANGER: Odd...feels like a repeat but it isn't from something I've reviewed...If I find out where it's from, I'll update this. Until then...This is a fun three page bit (they used to do bits this size more often in the past). The Lone Ranger talks about himself, and Tonto (Pronto) and other cowboys and Roy Rogers and, in the end, Lone quits and Sylvester becomes the New Lone Ranger. This is a very good bit. But...the repeat thought still nags...

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE OUTDOOR KING: Repeat from Issue #138

GIANT "JAWS" CONTEST!!: Excellent! 1st and 2nd Prizes: Atari Home Video Games (Which ones?) 23 Runner-Up Prizes: One year Subscription to CRACKED! Well, the first two prizes are so vague...I'd shoot for #4!!

You have to find the identical sharks on a page. There are 8, pick the 2 that match. Go! There's a second page here with a huge questionnaire. What are your Favorite CRACKED features? How often do you watch TV on Saturday morning? What are your interested or hobbies? Do you own a home videogame unit? If Yes, what kind? How many cartridges do you own? How many times do you reread all or part of CRACKED? How often do you have cereal as part of your breakfast? (CRACKED Cereal!) What other CRACKED Publications do you buy? _Biggest Greatest CRACKED _King-Sized CRACKED _CRACKED Collectors' Edition _Super CRACKED _Extra Special CRACKED _Giant CRACKED (Wow!) That's not all of the questions, just my favorites.

THE FALLING GUY: Last issue, Simon & Simon. This issue, The Fall Guy. Another in the series of endless 80's hour long dramas that bore me to absolute tears. 7 pages of this. There's some fun art here but I don't know the series so maybe I'm not the one to review the parody. And, it has a joke about how dumb the show is and yet it still gets great ratings. Wasn't there a joke like that in the S&S parody last issue? Sorry, folks. This one kind of grinds the end of the issue into the ground for me.

SHUT-UPS: Oh the Fresh Air!
1 - Video Arcade (Blip!)
2 - Shoe Store (Al!)
3 - Carnival (Mom!)

Good stuff.

BACK COVER: Three strips....Sagebrush! It's not going to send you to Comic Heaven but they're fun. (I wonder if these are reprints?)

So, 13 1/2 of the 52 pages are reprints...possibly more...CRACKED...you saw all those other publications I listed...Let's knock of the repeats. More than 25% of this issue is reprints and it's supposed to be the New Issue.

What's next? I'm dying to see...

Next issue: Episode 6 and the Minimal Publicity From CRACKED

CRACKED #197: Another Team-Up. Emphasis On The T...

2010-10-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

September 1983
by Pierre L.

Well, The Love Boat's been on for ages, sure. The A-Team, however, are a whole new world. A whole new violent, repetitious, ultimately monotonous world. But, off center to the right...there he is...Mr. T! He is here. And, on the edges of the cover are my favorite things...the random tourists that strolled into the cover painting. I like that.

"Plus In This Issue! Simon and Simon! If We didn't Have Ears!" Woah. You had me at the "ears" thing.

POSTER: At the bottom, it reads "This poster is brought to you by the CRACKED Society to Prevent Historical Confusion. (A Non-Profit Institution - but we didn't plan it this way.)" Great gag. Pee yellow background.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Imogene E. Uss, prf rdrer "The A-Y-Y-Y Team Takes A Ride On The Love Boat...Mr. T hee hee!"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 5th, 1983. CRACKED FAN CLUB SECRET MESSAGE - LF ZFC MHOBNRH PJOP FABZ YHYDHMW FS PJH XBCD XOA MHOL PJNW? TH'MH MHOB XMOXVHL SOAW! Oh my sides!!!

Does anyone know how to decode this?

THE A-A-AAYY TEAM TAKES A RIDE ON THE LOVELY BOAT: Why is the title here different from the one in the Table Of Contents? High hilarity with saboteurs and kidnappers on the boat. The A-Team causes a heck of a lot of trouble. Destroying everything and blowing stuff up...All sorts of craziness. It is vaguely funny. The whole thing has a great pace to it that made me forget that it wasn't really all that hilarious. Oh well.. Final panel is killer. The Captain stands on the titled ship yelling "After what you guys did...[The A-Team's explosions and chaos on board.] THE SHIP IS SINKING!" Love that!

WHAT YOUR MOTHER WOULD SAY...WHAT YOUR FATHER WOULD SAY...: Oh, Dad! Oh, Mom! You say different things, don't you? "It's Saturday! Why can't I go to the beach? Huh? Jerry Slugfinster is going." MOM: "Oh! And if Jerry Slugfinster jumped off a cliff would you want to do that too?!?" DAD: "Have you washed the car and piled the newspapers in the garage? You should be doing more work around the house if you want go out on week-ends." Hi-Larious! "Can I borrow the keys to the car?" MOM & DAD: "No!" HA!!!!!! Well, kid, maybe you should get that driver's license first?

IF WE DIDNT HAVE EARS: Your walkman headphones would have to go up your nose. It would be tough whispering "sweet nothings" in your girl's ear. Instead of saying "I'm all ears", you'd say "I'm all nose!" I love the closing panel. (This is a high hilarity final closing panel issue.) "So, the next time you look in the mirror, rejoice over what you have..." A funny looking man is staring in the mirror, touching his ears. "Oh, EARS! I love you. Thank you for being a part of me!" A woman in curlers and a bathrobe walks by. "Are you going weird om me again, Frank?" Good stuff. And, the fact that Frank has gone weird before makes me smile.

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: No CRACKED Lens in this issue, guys? 4 pages of some fairly funny bits. Phyllis Diller is in this one. That's something to look forward to. I prefer The CRACKED LENS, though. There's something more, sort of, spontaneous feeling about it, if that makes sense.

CRACKED'S GUIDE FOR MAKING MONEY IN THE 80'S: All the great, greasy things you could do in 1983 to make cash, including endorsements, selling ET merchandise, becoming the leader of a third world company that fights communists and watching the US aid money come in...Stuff like that. Oddly political for CRACKED and not in a bad way. I enjoyed this.

REAL KIDS DON'T EAT SPINACH: A parody of the classic "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche". Those kids! They're so kid-like. Basically, we've got 4 pages of CRACKED that replicate 16 pages of this book about the quirks of kids. Troubles with baths. They know TV schedules and their birthdays but forget everything else...They try to stay up late. It's all just that sort of thing. Hmmm...this issue isn't doing a whole heck of a lot for me...Sorry.

CREATING YOUR OWN SUMMER JOBS: Sort of like the Guide to Making Money but simpler. The drawings are awesome. Filled with all sorts of odd looking people and kickass backgrounds. The actual gags are OK. Headings that say what the new job is with the picture below. "Vendor of Frozen Seat Cushions For People Who've Parked Their Cars In The Broiling Sun" A guy is shown with a fridge in a parking lot. He's taking a seat cushion out of the freezer and yelling to a lady "Why risk a burned bottom?" 5 bucks. It's 2 pages and it's fun.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE ENERGY CONSERVATION KING: Repeat from issue #167...Guys...

HOW TO MAKE BASEBALL MORE INTERESTING: Feels like a repeat but I don't think it is. Stuff like more fighting and violence. At first base, they place quicksand so the next batter has to move quick so the runner isn't sucked under. Some guys ride horses. Multiple pitchers and batters. Lions are let loose on the field...Actually, this seems like it might be fun.

THE LOSER: Repeat from #131...seriously, guys?

SIMIAN & SIMIAN: Sure, it's a great title but this is one of those shows, like Remington Steele, that I could never ever imagine watching when I was a kid. And, in fact, I never have. (Riptide was another one.) As I read this, I began to forget what I'd read..."Will you take our case?" "Well, there are many important factors to be considered." "Like What?" "Will you pay us?" "Of course." "Then, we'll take your case." I kept reading..."Now what?" "I think it's time to try one of our favorite tricks." "Sawing an eggroll in half?" And, I hit the fifth page..."Here's a bar of soap and a scrub brush." "What's this for?" "I want you to come clean." And, then it hurt. And then, CRACKED ran through the motions.

We are getting close to #212. The end of The Sproul Era. I know that these were the ones I read voraciously when I was a child. But, who knew how rotten my tastes were back then? I'm having a heck of a time getting jazzed up about this issue. The repeats mixed with the old jokes mixed with the dull parody subjects...Sigh...Come on, CRACKED! 200 is approaching. It's been 25 years since you started. Take off into the Comedy Stars again...For Pierre...

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Wright
2 - Darwin
3 - French Revolution

Historical Shut-Ups! I love it! Killer closer.

BACK COVER: Sagebrush. Fun back cover gag with a very cool use of the comic strip page.

Well, you saw my thoughts. I'm running out of steam. 15 issues before the end, I'm beginning to lose it. I'm entering the issues read by a new generation of kids from when I started back in the mid-70's. So, apparently, CRACKED feels it's OK to use the same old jokes. Guys...please, pull it out and kick my ass...Please.

Next issue: An old friend returns...It's good to see him.

#196: All New, All Cars!

2010-10-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

August 1983
by Pierre L.

Everyone new is here and having a good time. And, of course, Tootsie is here, too. I imagine the rednecks of Hazzard love their cross-dressing Jewish soap opera stars. Regardless, everyone is teaming up and having fun. Let's go in. Did Daisy Duke wear high heels on the show? I don't remember.

I will say, as we approach the Poster, that this issue is the most beat-up CRACKED I own. It's crinkly, as if it got wet and it's strangely stained.

POSTER: The Cracked Ear Chart - Close eyes, Cover 1 Ear and try to listen to this chart. It's a very elaborate joke. And, I'm not sure it's funny. I'll get back to it, if I remember.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Noah C. Goode is the new Italian p rrrrder. "Any second now the light will turn green! With the squeal of tires and roaring engines the cars will race off the cover. (It's gonna look pretty empty!)"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Amos Svaboda is back! The Official Cracked Fan Club continues to haul in the members. Next issue - May 31st, 1983.

NIGHT RIDER MEETS THE DUKES OF HAZZARDOUS: Nothing like being as literal as possible in the title. And, it's all true. The Great Food Caper is causing all sorts of trouble for the Duke Boys but, with some help from Mike Night, they will stop the bad guys and save (or Svaboda)the day and raise everybody's ratings. Strange, this opener didn't do much for me. I think it's because the jokes here are the exact same as the jokes in the previous parodies of these shows. They're just combined so there's no feeling of anything but going through the motions. Hmm, I wish I liked this more but I don't.

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER SEE: A 3 Foot Bully! A teacher whose belief is "Homework teaches you nothing..." A dentist says "This is REALLY going to hurt!" Two pages of this. Some of them are OK but they're all very obvious.

I guess when the issue starts off a little off I have a tough time catching the wave.

GIFT CATALOGUE FOR TEEN-AGERS: Video Games! Hey! There's 4 pages of this.. OK, it's not all video game stuff. Buy a Video Game Rear View Mirror so you can see a truant office approaching. Wear an S.O.S. Beanie Cap. Put it on and the Change Man knows to run to your side. Buy a Steel-Toe Kicker robot to kick malfunctioning vending machines for you. Stuck With A Super Ugly Blind Date? Well, CRACKED's got it solved. Check it out!

My favorite: Tadpoles to put in your brother's water bed.

It's a fun bit. I'm hoping we can keep it at this level.

READ BETWEEN THE LINES!: Well, we might be losing it again. It's only one page so it barely registered in my mind. A doorman says "It's not easy getting a taxi in this rain." to a snooty man. What he's really saying is, "But slip me a few bucks and I'm sure I'll get you one." Not a good article, not a bad article. Just a page in a magazine.

REALLY REAL PEOPLE: It's basically gags about modern society with captions like "THE UNBELIEVABLE!!" & "THE ELECTRIFYING!!" above them. It's a fun idea. But, underneath each picture, there is a full paragraph explaining what the person did. And, sometimes it doesn't quite seem worth it. You decide.

My favorite: "IMPOSSIBLE ACTS!!! It was revealed today that in Captain Video's video arcade in East Rockaway, New York, the PAC-MAN game there has NEVER been used. In fact, Jack B. Quick, the dumbfounded owner has replaced the game with the complete works of Homer and the kids are lining up at 25 cents apiece to read the Greek classics."

My least favorite...Actually, I don't have one. They're all at the level of the one above. I just think there's too much text for what should be simple jokes. Almost like the concept got away from the writer.

INDICATORS IN OUR LIVES WE COULD REALLY USE: A series of meters and scales that we could use in our everyday lives. A "Mugging Chance Indicator" in case you get lost in a big city. "Girl Date Meter" The girl wears it on her chest and it goes from "Anytime, handsome" to "When Hell Freezes over". "Bad Breath Analyzer Caibrater" and the "CRACKED Magazine Humor Rater" and the "Bureaucratic Hassle Indicator" are all fun. This is a charming bit. I like this one. I don't need a lot of clever. Just a touch.

"GOING OUT" SIMULATION KITS: Shall we take a mad journey back to the days when King Kong reigned supreme in CRACKED? Because, that's where this bit's taking you. Issue #139 reprint here. Oh well. It's still a funny article.

THE AD WAR HEATS UP: "The Muleboro cowboy eats quiche!" "In these tough competitive times some businesses have taken to ad campaigns that lambast the products of their rivals. First, it was Pepsi that took on Coca Cola, and now Burger King has put the knock on McDonald's Big Macs..." "TIME is Time but NEWSWEEK is News Weak". "The Santas at Gimbel's Have Bad Breath! They also renege on 89.2 [sic] of their promises." from Macy's. Pretty funny bit. At two pages, it impresses and goes...

"THERE'S GOOD NEWS...AND BAD NEWS...": Why did the Ad War leave so quick for this bit? Lots of quick bits in this issue. Another clearinghouse issue? They seem to have this about once a year. "It's good news when...You win a stuffed animal at the amusement park's balloon-dart game." "It's Bad news when...You needed 67 dollars to do it." "It's Good News when...At the age of 40, you still fit into your wedding gown." "It's Bad News when...You were a fat, dumpy bride." OK, some of these are funny. But, the layout doesn't encourage much. Four columns on each page. Two good News columns and two bad news columns on each. It's not so nice to look at. But, at two pages...

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO PLANT CARE: OK, before I begin...I have to ask. Have you seen this one? In the article title, the word "CRACKED" is in a box and is a different font and size than the rest of the words. Why is that? Was this someone else's guide to Plant Care and CRACKED co-opted it? Seems strange...Three pages about plants and gags about plants. Weird, this feels like a reprint but I don't know if it is. It's an OK bit. Nothing spectacular. A lady puts her "Lithuanian Laptick" in quicksand and it keeps disappearing. "Grow, or I'll pull you out by the roots!" "But, why?" says the plant, "I'm rooting for you!"

HOW TO HAVE A FUN TIME ON EARTH: A guide for aliens. Earth is open every day of the year, rain, shine or snow. It's all "satire" of a CRACKED variety. Go see "Earth's Devastating Indoor Demolition Derbies"...hey! We're in supermarket and it's crazy! Fun gags to play on earthmen..."Cause vending machines and phone booths to jam." "Plant numerous phoney 'Big Foot' prints." Hmm...this is 5 pages? Why? There is a chapter (Number 6) on where to obtain Reese's Pieces. Haven't they done this with R2-D2 and ET already?

CRACKED PREDICTIONS FOR THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE: There will be a faith healer game show called "Let's Make A Heal". Gas prices will be so high that families will trade in their children for gas. And, it is laid out in a CRACKED LENS-style, with the wacky picture matching up to the caption. It's like their Believe It Or Not articles. Some funny pictures here. Santa shows up.

Hey, where is the CRACKED LENS?

TOOTSIE ROLL: It's a Tootsie parody. I know Tootsie was extremely pouplar but, starting the issue with Knight Rider and The Dukes and ending with Tootsie...would that have been awesome for the average 10 or 11-year-old...I'm bored looking at the first page and this thing is 7 pages long. Let me have another look...

I'm back. Yeah, it follows the plot of the movie closely. Maybe I need to see it again. Maybe I was the wrong age. I never really was all that thrilled with Tootsie. I'm still not. The best bit is the kind-of-disturbing final panel. Stallone dressed as "Rockyette". Burt Reynolds dressed up for "Smokie and the Cutie". Tom Selleck in a dress. It's kind of funny but makes me feel strange...

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Guillotine
2 - Line-Up
3 - Plumber

These never lead me astray. Joy!

BACK COVER: The Truth About Pac-Man...Funny page. Pac-Man moves all over the cover. He eats cherries, strawberries, peaches, apples, grapes, bells, pretzels and keys..."The main thing everyone wants to know is where do I go when I use one of these side exits..." Restrooms! "...the same place you'd go it you'd just eaten all this junk!!" He is flying towards the "Pac-Men" room. Great closing gag!

OK, this issue was definitely uneven. A lot of short articles and then an interminable film parody. I guess, in the end, this is a completely average issue of CRACKED magazine. Some great bits, some vague bits, some bits that do nothing. And, a reprint. (Hmm, why the reprints?)

That's why we love CRACKED, I guess.

Next issue: Another team-up...and the new Cover guys for CRACKED...Guess...

I knew I'd forget about the Ear Chart.

CRACKED #195: The Old World Meets The New

2010-10-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

July 1983
by Pierre L.

Well, you knew it might happen. If you really thought about it, you knew that Gary Coleman would meet up with E.T. As inevitable as The Fonz meeting up with some sort of Outer Space thing. As inevitable as The Godfather meeting up with Jaws (or Jawz). Gary and Sylvester are rather nonplussed but E.T. looks very regal. For some reason, this issue smells good.

POSTER: $50.00 in a wallet was found and some other stuff...OK, well...Maybe the poster isn't such a good one. Let's keep moving...let's not let the filler weigh us down here...

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Prff Rderder - Kent C. Wellatall Hey! That's a good one! I hope evrything is spelled right here.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - April 19th, 1983. "Dear CRACKED, CRACKED #194 was the first time I didn't laugh at your cover, but loved it anyway. Both that and the accompanying article...were a fitting final tribute to a truly great TV show. I'll miss it. Scott Morrill Elmira, NY" Amen, brother

Woah! "SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - At the request of thousands of CRACKED readers we have formed the OFFICIAL CRACKED FAN CLUB." Holy...For $9.98, you get an official membership card, a special decoder "that will enable you to read the secret club messages appearing in every issue" and 10 issues of Cracked AND a Flying Disc! And, being a CRACKED fan continues to be awesome!

IF EaTing HAD BEEN FOUND BY ARNULD: It's more or less what you'd imagine. Arnuld smuggles ET around in various outfits including a large afro wig. Woolies's response? "Holy moley! It's Aretha Franklin's mother!...Wrinkly old broad!" They goof around a while and then get EaTing back to his bus...and the ratings for Diff'rent Strokes shoot through the roof. Yeah, this bit is a lot of fun. It is exactly what you'd expect and, possibly, something you could have written yourself but...I don't always want to wander into brand-new worlds. Sometimes I just want to sit peaceful and warm and cozy...That's what this article is. A joy...The last appearance of Diff'rent Strokes? It night be. That would be sad.

CRACKED GUIDE TO SKY DIVING: This is a reprint from issue #130. Well, the same things I said there stands here. Except...this joke...A man is buying a jumpsuit. "May I suggest one made of 100% duck down." "Sorry...no duck down. It may cause me to quack up."

THE PEOPLE'S COURTROOM: Great bit...Judge Irving Horsenagel. It's all kind of dull and boring (unless you love court shows) so after three pages...

THE ALL-NEW PEOPLE'S COURTROOM: Milton Mudflaps & Sondra Pitface...Dancing gals, lots of lights, a "Judgement Wheel" It's pretty awesome...The whole article (both halves) have a freedom and a roll to them. It's nothing I can spell out here because the jokes are all the same...It's the layout, the art and the variation in the panels. I don't know. I like this bit a lot.

WHEN MEN AND WOMEN SHOP: Oddly enough, most of this is kind of true. The sexes do shop in different manners. A few of these (the woman trying on a thousand pairs of shoes and the man in the gun store trying to buy slippers) are cliches but many are spot on. Men get embarrassed buying women's underwear. But, women don't get embarrassed buying for men. Women use shopping carts more than men. At three pages, well, this one may be overstating it but, even if it isn't funny, it's rather charming.

Am I drunk? I'm getting a real kick out of this issue.

I am not drunk. I wouldn't be able to write if I did.

I could be high, though.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A SUPERMARKET: OK. Another reprint. From issue #115. Oddly enough, the one with the first appearance of M*A*S*H on it. The one pictured in the previous post. How's that for coincidence? What's going on CRACKED? Don't you release large numbers of reprint issues every month? What's with the double-up? Something to do with the approaching Issue #200 perhaps?

THE CRACKED MOVIE IV: Little Miss Sunshine done by CRACKED...Not meaning to be a jerk, but this is as good as that movie. Mr. Sproul invests all their money in Rubick's Cube Dusctovers...it bombs so they need $25,000. So, Sylvester's Girlfriend Eva is being entered in a beauty pageant. So, the normal crowd of goofballs set off by train to go to Splunkville, Iowa...but the train breaks down so they have to hitchhike and, after some wackiness, they arrive at the big pageant. What happens? Read it and find out. This is better than III. On par with Part II but not as good as the classic first one.

(I'm lying. I don't remember what the first one was about. Was that the world-wide race?)

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XX: The best one. A huge battle is going on in a field. In the foreground, a man is waving his arm. The balloon reads: "That's it, guys! The war's over! Thanks for coming. You can all go home!" 4 pages of the usual awesome.

HOW TO BEAT THOSE VIDEO GAME PLAYERS: "At Last...Top Secret Strategy For Machines Like Yourself That Are Serious About Gobbling Up Coins!" The actual guide is only 2 sideways pages but it's charming. All about how video games can make players lose. Secreting oil onto the buttons. Flash subliminal messages "Your Parents want you to do some chores" onto the screen. Flash pictures of food. Use your "inside phone" to call a truant officer. i don't know what an "inside phone" is but I love it so much. Another fun, brief bit.

LIFE IN THE 21ST CENTURY: Like the man and women bit, this one is kind of true. Shopping by computer. Sports players will be extremely pampered and get everything they want. All the rock groups that ended in the 80's would be back, The Who and The Rolling Stones. Again...nice.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE AUTO KING: Holy Irving Krud! Another reprint! This is from issue #109, July 1973.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Shoe Woman
2 - Grampa!
3 - Star Trek

TOTAL: Ride My Face To Chicago!

Good stuff...

BACK COVER: SAGEBRUSH...well, he hasn't been that funny for a while. I'd hesitate putting this on a back cover. Why buy it if all the gags are going to be like this? Luckily, I did buy it.

I thought this issue was pretty great. The hits overwhelm the misses. We are entering the New World of CRACKED in high style. I can't wait to see where we go next.

But, the reprints are a bit worrisome. 52 pages total (counting front/ back covers and inside covers). 11 pages of reprints. 21% of this issue is reprinted articles. The hell? Is this the beginnings of a trend? (Not to Overnerd it but if you don't include the covers...it's 11 pages of 48, which is apx. 23%, almost one-quarter of the issue.)

Next issue: The New World meets the Transitional World. I want to see where this is going to go.

CRACKED #194: A Little Bit Sad

2010-09-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

May 1983
by Pierre L.

Remember last time when I mentioned the end of an era. Well, here is the Actual, Real End. M*A*S*H, after 11 seasons, ends. And, CRACKED says Goodbye to it...For once, the plain white background works perfectly. It's simple and not ostentatious. It's so nice to see our old friends in the background there. I wish they had made it kind of bigger. Maybe gotten rid of the stuff on top and moved the name of the Mazagine up a notch. But, it works.

Let's head in.

POSTER: Pee yellow and red! I feel a little ill. "DO NOT READ THIS POSTER" and lots of fine print about being in trouble if you've read this far. It's too bad these gags have to intrude immediately upon the solemn charm of the cover. Oh well. Don't you dare tear this cover off! But, if you do, hang up the front cover rather than the poster.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Someone once said 'All good things must come to an end.' Well, apparently the television network executives believed that person. They have decided to cancel one of the finest shows in television history. Goodbye M*A*S*H! We'll miss you!" Wow...heartfelt sentiment from CRACKED. Do they have new staff there for 1983? Noah Candoo is the prrrff reedeer.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: One person mentions five different CRACKEDs at once "...the March Knight Rider issue, Monsters - Collectors' Edition, a Super CRACKED, Giant CRACKED and an Extra Special CRACKED." Wow. I may review another CRACKED Monster thing for Halloween. Next issue - March 8, 1983.

FAREWELL M*A*S*H*E*D - A CRACKED REMEMBRANCE: And so it goes. Hey look! It's the first issue they were on the cover of...#115 from March 1974...sigh. We'll get to that one eventually. Maybe I'll do a "Special Flashback" review to that one.

Anyway... And, the war is over and everyone is heading home. There are flashbacks to bits that we hadn't actually seen in the magazine but they we always imagined happening (IE a Hot Lips shower scene to end all shower scenes). Everyone has their final puns. Hawkeye always kept two writers stashed in his footlocker. The old cast makes brief appearances...And, in the end, everyone realizes that what they'll miss the most is all the great perks of the job and that awesome weekly paycheck. Hey! That's comedy. Goodbye M*A*S*H. We shall miss you. And, we will definitely miss you in the pages of CRACKED. CRACKED without M*U*SH (my favorite) doesn't bear thinking.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XIX: Good choice. perfect placement of this article. It's only three pages but The CRACKED Lens shall never die! If the closing M*A*S*H bit had been followed by a lame filler article, I would have been pissed. This is a nice easer into the rest of the magazine.

HOW COME?: Yeah. This is the bit that I'm glad they didn't put after the opening bit of awesome. "How come you're too old to play with your brother's Hot Wheels but too young to drive your dad's car?" "How come a bag of potato chips is impossible to open, and even more impossible to close back up?" "How come if you're supposed to be so smart, you're reading this magazine?" Yeah, you tell me...At two pages, it farts by and the smell isn't too offensive.

CRACKED'S EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH AWARD: Nice two-page bit. Good gag. Feels, just a bit, like a reprint.

TALKING CARS: Knight Rider Follow Up #1! A garbage truck says "Just what I need...another yummy morsel!" A car says to a guy making out with a gal "Oh, brother! What a cornball line! No wonder you have so much trouble making out with the chicks!" Apparently, GM and Ford announced that some cars would have voice computers. If so and if this article is them, they were sassy fellows. Flip to pages 3 & 4 of this bit and it expands nicely...Ads for Talking Cars and talking car movies and the new comic strips "Carfield". I like this article.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF BAD HABITS: Is filler material like this a bad habit of CRACKED MAZAGINE? Four pages of this? All these gags are recycled from the Magical Land of MAD. But, as I've said before, when I was 10 and I would buy this magazine...every article was pored over and read again and again. The art is certainly entertaining but the jokes, really, aren't. Didn't matter. I would read through the magazine fast the first time and then let it marinate in my mind...Ahhh...good stuff.

AN OWNER AND A PLAYER NEGOTIATING A CONTRACT...1982: Those darn Sports Strikes! The bit is OK but it's no big-ass bit of gaggery. I'm not a sports guy but I do like some sports jokes...This is all right.

CRACKED EVOLUTION REVOLUTION: A three page bit with a series of well...let me give an example.
"Getting Food"
A caveman punches out a saber-toothed tiger...arrow to...
A Native American harvests maize...arrow to...
A buffalo has been bowed & arrowed...arrow to...
A pilgrim shoots a turkey...arrow to...
A snooty man fishes...arrow to...
A man in a cat a "Burger World" Drive-Thru window.

You get the idea. "Worker" (ends with a robot), "Art Work", "Music" (they still hate rock and roll...cavemen bang on things and, today, "The Ozzy Ozbourne Band" look just like cavemen and bang on things), "Fighting", "Politicians", "Automobiles" (Knight Rider!), "Movie Idols" (Chaplin to ET), "Candy bars", "Athletes" and "Literature" (Hieroglyphics to CRACKED!)

A charming bit. Obvious but charming.

ROBOT REPORT: A robot article? Why? This is a magazine for robots. Ask Roberta Robot. T-Shirt Fads Hits Robot World. Join the U.S. Army Corps of Robots. Robots In The Spotlight. I'm not sure why the robot thing is here now. The article is OK but doesn't make me go wild. Sometimes I look at one of this articles and the layout seems to dare me to read on. That's what I feel with this one. "Why does it require four humans to screw in one light bulb?" "That's how many humans it takes to find one robot to do the job."

CRACKED'S VIDEO CARTOON SHOWCASE: Video games ahoy! Two pages of Jeff Keate video game one-panel bits. pretty good. I like this guy.

3-D HORROR SHOWS: The early 80's 3-D trend comes up and CRACKED links it all to horror films. And, I suppose, most of them were horror films. Odd that this is the first appearance of slasher-related stuff in CRACKED. It was such a huge part of early 80's Pop Culture. I would have thought it should have popped up sooner. The opening page is two crazy killers leaping out of the screen as they kill with cleavers and chainsaws. "This movie is a ripoff! In 'Halloween the 13th' they chopped up nine more people!" "Yawn! I haven't seen one eyeball come flying out of that screen in the last ten seconds!" "So far the biggest horror tonight has been these #@&$! 3-D glasses that won't fit over my regular glasses!" "That phony blood looks like the ketchup at Burger Queen!" "You're wrong! The ketchup at Burger Queen looks much more revolting!" That's the best part of the article...the crowd on the first page watching the slasher film. The remaining two pages are just 3-D gags applied to going to the Video Arcade and watching movies and going to the supermarket.

Another OK bit.

WHO IN THE WORLD DECIDED THAT...?" "...hailstones should only be measured in 'Ball-Size' units?" Just for that caption the article is worth a read. "Teeth have to 'Sparkle'?" "The length of everything on TV has to be in exact multiples of 30 minutes?" I like the art on this. The actual jokes are blah but it's fun to look at.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: Stills with captions...captions filled with gags! Two pages and some funny moments. But, as I'm reading them, none of them really inspire me to describe them. So, maybe it's less memorable than I thought. Tough to say. Six panels, six captions and a couple smiles. I see Ernest Borgnine and I see a lady sliding across the floor. I see fun? Maybe.

WHAT TODAY'S STRIPS WOULD LOOK LIKE IF THEY WERE DRAWN BY RONALD REAGAN: Dennis The Menace, Dick Tracy, Mary Worth, Hagar The Horrible, Garfield, Little Orphan Annie, Beetle Bailey, Peanuts, Momma, Blondie. First, I had no idea "Momma" was around back then. Second, "Little Orphan Annie" ended in 1968. Third, Garfield now loves jelly beans instead of lasagna. Hey! Some of this strips are actually funnier than the things they're based on. When was the last time Blondie or Beetle Bailey was funny? Well, some political stuff in CRACKED. Interesting angle on it. Dennis the Menace adds 2 + 1 and gets 5. "Haven't you ever heard of Supply Side Mathematics?" Hagar refuses to attack royalty or noblemen so he goes after a Union headquarters. Charlie Brown wants peace so he makes one giant snowball as a deterrent. Ronnie and his comics. I like this.

SHUT-UPS:

The hell? We're done?
1 - Prison
2 - Marriage
3 - Court

I love shutting up.

GREAT MOMENTS IN COMEDY: Slaves are tickled!

Well, this issue opens hard and then trails off. The filler is inoffensive. The articles are, generally, fun. But, I really can't help thinking that I don't know where CRACKED will go from here. Where can they go? I guess a full-on Pop Culture reboot is in order.

Next issue: Ahh...should have guessed it!

CRACKED #193: We are in another era now

2010-09-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

March 1983
by Pierre L.

Great drawing of KITT, David and Sylvester inside the car. And, a very interesting orangey shape behind them. It's all very clean, this cover. But, not in a bad way. It grabs my eye and yanks me inside.

POSTER:

Someone peed on my poster! Actually, this one's pretty good.

NO
LOITTERING (crossed out)
LOTIRING (crossed out)
LOIYRING (co)
LOITERNG (CO)
HEY! GET OUT'A HERE!!

Good gag.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. Cee is the pppp rder

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Hmmm...Here's the last letter: "Dear CRACKED, Yesterday...I spotted GIANT CRACKED #34 with your movie satire 'EaTing' in it...." Wait a second!!! I thought that, by owning the regular CRACKED magazines from this era, I was getting everything I needed. I thought the GIANTs and the SUPERs and all the others were reprints with the occasional "game" thrown in. I knew that the Fonz For President had a lot of new stuff but...The E.T. satire is only in a GIANT CRACKED? Oh no...Does that mean I need to start collecting those? Oh boy.

The yearly Statement of Ownership and etc. is here. 653,721 monthly in 1982. See the Previous Post about this.

Next issue: January 25,1983 So, the current issue is a Christmas one!

KNUT RIDER: Not a favorite show of mine. I liked it a little more than The A Team. Repetitive stuff that was almost very interesting. I do wish Shadow Chasers would have stayed on for years. I think, at this time period, Kenneth Johnson is the only person to trust with this type of show. But, this bit has some decent gags in it. Nothing really happens. They just drive around and crash into things and do wacky stuff. A classic CRACKED moment: Mike Knut asks Kit to play some music for him while he sleeps (and Kit drives). We see Mike asleep and a trumpet player, a man who has cymbals or a tuba and an older gentleman with an acoustic guitar. What is that? A reunion of the Dixieland Jazz Ramblers, first time meeting up since 1927? What's with the guy and the acoustic guitar? I thought "Well, they couldn't put a rock band there..." But, there's a guy with a trumpet?

All in all, a fun bit for a show I never liked.

NEWSWEAK:Pretty funny text-heavy bit. Set up like a real magazine (as opposed to a mazagine). "The Little Town That Could - And Did" Littleton, Montana put everyone in prison. Horse-napping on the rise! Two movie reviews: Muffin for #10, which is a very funny title, and "I Married a Deadman", which seems to be pure Weekend at Bernie's fun. A lady gives her husband rat poison instead of Tums. He dies but she pretends he's alive. It's hilarious. This is a pretty good bit.

HOW THE FOOTBALL MOGULS EXPECT TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THOSE LOST COMMERCIALS: This was Sports Strike Time! Advertising is everywhere (according to this article) when football returns. No. 7's jersey will now read "DRINK 7 UP". No. 31's will read "Baskin-Robbins 31 Flavors". Band formations at halftime will spell out ads for the blimps. Bubble gum cards will have all sorts of ads built into the stats. At two pages, it's fun.

THE VERY RICH AND THE VERY POOR: One of these...Poor on one side, rich on the other. Some funny moments but it's kind of a shrug. I do like that the rich read MEGABUCK$ and the poor read SPARE CHANGE. In the intro, it says "Thanks to Reaganomics our country's impoverished middle class is disappearing faster that a roll of quarters at a video game arcade." This is Late 1982/ Early 1983! CRACKED tells the future...again.

THE PONDERING PLUMBER: Amusing one-pager. It'll make you smile.

THE GOOD OLD DAZE OF THE AUTOMOBILE: Really good bit. Nicely done. Lots of very, very early inventions to put on cars. "First Car Heater (1904): Heater worked on simple principle. When driver felt cold, he stopped vehicle to chop up firewood. By the time he finished chopping driver ceased to be cold." It's a car with a wood-burning stove on it. "First Auto Road Signs (1899): Signs reflected the era's horse a buggy mentality." The signs read "WHOA" and "School No Hightailin' it" The early auto ads stressed the positive side of negatives. A couple sits in their car in the moonlight, holding hands. "LeHeap: It often breaks down in the most godforsaken placed. Lucky You!" Great bit...one slight worry...it has that late 50's/ early 60's look to it. It doesn't look like a modern CRACKED article. I wonder if this is a re-print.

$TRIKES ILLUSTRATED: This is no reprint. More sports strike stuff. Wow, this is about as topical as we get. Awesome cover to this (once again) fake magazine. It's an empty stadium with all the teams striking outside. Great art. Ron Zalme! The rest of the article isn't quite as good. They're on strike and they're just hanging around. They love money and they're striking for more. Some funny moments but I can't help thinking that they covered this in the earlier Strike article. Maybe they should have done a Strike COLLECTOR'S EDITION

MOD FAIRY TALES: Amusing...Humpty Dumpty...good gag. What's inside that egg now when he cracks open?

A CRACKED LOOK AT CABLE TV: This was around when we got Cable TV so I am up for the yuks. This is one of those "multiple panel" ones. One kid wants to watch Channel 8,655. The other wants to watch Channel 2. Channel switching hilarity continues. I want to say that our cable box had three rows of numbers. A button under each row and a switch on the side. If you wanted 20, you moved the switch to the corresponding row and hit the button under the number. The kids in this one have a crazy cable box, apparently. The guy who asks for Cable TV dinners is fun.

I did notice: A two-panel bit with a couple in a car. He says that he thought he'd take them to the drive-in. In Panel two, she says "Why go there? The same movies are playing on cable TV tonight." But...the panels seem to be switched yet the word balloons have stayed where they should. In the first panel, they're passing the drive-in and it looks like the woman is speaking. But, the man is. In the second panel, they're in the suburbs and the man is talking but the woman is actually speaking. They switched the panels but left the words the same. I look too closely at these things.

ONE DAY AT TATTOO SCHOOL: Another decent gag. I giggled.

RONALD REAGAN'S PHOTO ALBUM: Sock it to Ronnie! Jelly beans and Nancy shopping and Bedtime for Bonzo and astrologers and all sorts of gags...Remember Rappin' Ronnie? This bit is OK. I prefer E.T. and J.R.'s photo album/ diaries.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XVIII: The Masque of the Red Death is represented. My favorite bit: A cop is getting violently kicked by a man. The cop says "Oh no! Don't do that! You're getting my pants all dirty!"

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE ELF KING: Christmas! "DO you mind if I ask your name?" "It's Sheldon." "Sheldon the Elf?" "Are you Nanny The Woman? I'm just Sheldon." Sheldon takes Nanny through Santa's workshop. He runs the place because Santa is too busy appearing in ads and on chocolates. Everything is automated and Nanny is a little disappointed. But...when they enter the "Wrapping Dept.", they find the elves sitting around a table working. "I found Christmas. I love it!" For two panels, CRACKED gets sentimental about Christmas. It is surprising and it is lovely. One of my favorite Nanny bits. Read it!

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Bernie & Clod
2 - Shaggy Fellows
3 - Okra For Afters

Total: I love to Shut-Up.

GREAT MOMENTS IN ENTERTAINMENT: Three words- Video Games Cavemen. Be there! 1,432,600 BC Let's play Trog Race or Rock-A-Tron.

Decent issue. Some good laughs. Some filler. But, all in all, this is full of charm. Maybe the Holiday did that to them. I enjoyed this one. I think you will too.

Next issue: Wow...It finally ends. I miss it now like I did then.

CRACKED #192: We're Gonna Need a Bigger Pizza

2010-08-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

by Pierre L.
January 1983

Great cover...Sylvester! Surely delivering one pizza to another planet can't be cost-efficient but then I've never run my own business...so what do I know? Fun opening...the Hart to Hart thing doesn't do much for me but it is the first issue dated 1983. That's cool.

POSTER: Be Alert...Can you guess the rest of the gag? Odd. Yellow lettering on a black background.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: No proof reader listed. Double odd.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - December 14th A joke from a reader: "What's Irish and sits out in the rain? Pati O'Furniture" Everyone is CRACKED and it feels nice.

HEART TO HEART: Interesting bit. It's certainly got a lot of verve and movement throughout. But, I've never seen this show and I know next to nothing about it...and that was my problem. I spent the whole article, literally, trying to figure out what kind of show it is. Are they detectives? Are they a couple who just get in a lot of trouble? Is the show supposed to be witty? Is it drama? Is it action? If I knew the show, I think I'd love the article. But, as it stands, I can't figure the darn thing out.

Chalk it up to...The Ignorance of Pierre L.

SOLUTIONS TO EVERYDAY FRUSTRATIONS: This bit seemed like it was going to be one of those "This thing on this side - this other thing on that side" sort of articles. And, it is. But it's more elaborate, although, not necessarily funnier. I'll give an example...

LEFT SIDE: You play a new video game only to find that your final score is two.
A guy looks very confused because he only got 2 on Snail Squasher.
A woman says "Two? You get 2 points for depositing the quarter. Boy, Barry, are you lousy. Larry is much better at this than you."
RIGHT SIDE: To prevent this from happening again, you should buy all the "How To Win" video books and practice every second you have.
The guy now has 6,000,000 points.
WOMAN: 6 million! Wow! What do you say we go to "Mike's Gouda Cheese Pavilion" and celebrate.
MAN: Sure, only, I can't buy you anything. I spent every cent I had practicing to become good at this.

They're not bad but they seem like a lot of effort. I don't know why. Is Pierre L. Lazy today?

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: 3 pages. Some of them quite funny. Osgood Asnew and his washing machines will make you laugh at loud.

HOW POPULAR ARE YOU?: Each section has three choices to see how large your Popular Score is going to be. Again, this is a rather over-elaborate bit for CRACKED. A lot of stuff to gander at here. "When it comes to choosing up sides for a team, how long does it take before you are picked?"
A - Not too long
B - A little long
C - A very long time
And, there is gaggery that goes with each.
At the end, there is a section for tallying your score. Some people are more popular than others. This isn't a bad bit. It's got some good laughs...it just seems too complicated. What happened to "You Know You're Fat When..." Of course, I never liked those bits.

SAGEBRUSH: Not one of his better adventures.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FAR WHEN: Video Game Edition! Yeah, this is great. "You own every towel, notebook, pillowcase and piece of clothing that Pac Man's face is on." I used to be that guy! I owned the "Pac Man Theatre" or something like that. There was a small TV-like plastic thing. You got 4 "adventures" to play. Each was a series of comic panels on paper wound around two spools like a ink ribbon for a calculator. You would spool the "adventure" in front of the TV screen. Slowly, you would go through a Pac Man adventure and then rewind it and watch it again. Loved it! Remember his TV show. And when he saved Christmas! Hell yeah!! sigh...This article is only two pages but it's great.

I will review the CRACKED Video Game special sometime soon.

TRUE FACTS THEY NEVER TAUGHT YOU IN SCHOOL: "You know food is really ethnic when it gives you heartburn-before you finish eating!" "Despite our name, CRACKED readers are the sanest folks around!" "Any music that you don't enjoy-sounds all alike!" (They still hate rock 'n' roll!) Now, this is more like it. The headers and the straightforward pictures. Why are there so many of these in this issue, though? Are they teaching us some sort of lesson? If they are, I need a CRACKED teacher sent to my house to tell me what that might be. It looks like they're just fat-cracking around to me.

A CRACKED LOOK AT AN AUTO REPAIR GARAGE: Oh, the joy! One of these. It's chaotic and it's crazy and those old, old jokes are killing me!

However, in the lower right hand corner, something odd is happening. There is a "Stock Room" right in the corner with cattle in it. A rooster is on top yelling "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo to you, too!" at the cattle. And, to the left of the "Stock Room" is a joke...that doesn't seem finished.

A guy says to another guy: "Frank what are you doing later? Marge and I would like to have you for dinner tonight." And Frank is saying nothing...Did I miss the joke?

Why the Stock Room and what is that joke? Surrealism in a CRACKED LOOKS AT... bit. Naw, probably an error or I'm missing something.

....THE CRACKED LENS...PART XVII: Sorry. I wasn't up for the full type-out this time around. There is a still from "Abby" in this. Wow.

RETALIATIONS TO DATING CLICHES: "When are we going to get married?" "Probably when we find the right person."// "I'm very choosey about who I go out with." "Obviously I'm not." 2 pages of that. Is this the "Annual All-Filler" Issue of CRACKED? This whole issue feels strange but it's the same group of Dunderheads making it. Hmmm...

MOD FAIRY TALES: Fun illustrations for a new "The Princess and The Frog". Worth a look and a smile.

ROCKY'S SCRAPBOOK:...and boy did I have scraps! (Rocky says that. Not me....Pierre. L) 4 pages of goofing. Rocky fighting as a baby. Dean Martin shows up. Burgess Meredith is there. Clobber Bang bits him up. Rocky has been with us for quite some time. Remember when he first showed up? Didn't he beat up The Fonz on a cover? Hmmm...Next!

ARE YOU P.M. MAGAZINE MATERIAL?: I'm not 100% sure what a P.M. Magazine show is. But, does it involve Dick Cavett? A one page bit. I don't quite get it. I'm going to move on.

IT'S A SURE BET THAT...:Seriously? More of these bits? No "Guides" in this issue? Where are the parodies? Hey! A guy has a Pac Man coat! "Sometime in the next 5 weeks you'll have 341 good laughs." A kid is seen reading CRACKED. Wow...CRACKED believed there were 341 laughs in each issue of their magazine? I'll go through and count them up soon.

E.T.'S REPORT MY EXPERIENCE ON EARTH: This is a lot like when C3P0 & R2-D2 came to Earth some time ago. E.T. is amazed that no one flies here...except for witches, kids with lots of balloons and really tall basketball players. No green creatures on TV except for The Hulk and Kermit The Frog. E.T. gazes at the stars through a telescope. Some guys gaze at the YWCA through their telescopes. E.T.'s conclusion: "I departed the planet just in time. Earthlings were in the process of stockpiling more and more nuclear weapons. Their reasoning was that creating more weapons would insure them not being used...I find it noteworthy that this same type of specious logic was also once advanced on the 753 other extinct planets of our galaxy."

All right, who's writing this issue?

THINGS WE'VE OFTEN WONDERED ABOUT: What is Prince Charles and Lady Diana's last name? Why does lint accumulate in your belly button? Why can't women learn how to put make-up on in moderation? All like that...What a weird issue.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Polka dotted boxer shorts
2 - Volcano!
3 - Scarface!

Total: Where the heck is Nanny and the closing parody?

BACK COVER: Great Moments in the Art of Love. 350,000 BC All about Ug the Gentle. Remember him?

The oddest issue I've read in some time. No "Big" articles. And, the regular stuff is missing...Weird. I mostly enjoyed it but found the whole thing a bit...I wonder if the next issue is like this.

CRACKED is changing. Shall we go with it?

Next issue: All right! The Knight is here!

CRACKED #191 They really are predicting the future

2010-08-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

November 1982
by Pierre L.

I enjoy that cover. I don't love it. I like it. It brings a smile to my face and I carry on. There's really not much to it, apart from the joke. The background does look lovely. Magnum P.I. and the motion picture Annie...Two parts of my childhood I kept trying to ignore. Let's see how this goes.

POSTER: Scratch 'n' Sniff Poster...A good gag. But, the poster is only one page...Might there be an iron-on? You bet your fat one, Mamma!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. Cee is still the pruf r-d-r. Boy, they sure can't spell that right, can they? Sylvester with the Annie wig makes it look like he's got a big afro on...It's fun...

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: No sign of the "Next Issue" box. What the hell? The "EVA" contest winners are in...

Ricky Jones (the Hulk's pal?) from Baytown, TX
Rankin McDaniel (a name I might make up?) from Vista, CA
Clint Davidson (a fey Old West gunfighter?) from Sumner, WA

They all won Atari 2600s. That is cool. We had to buy ours.

MAGNUMB Public Idiot: My mother-in-law loved Magnum. I always had that hour long American drama problem. I've gone into this before but...Sitcoms are all about the jokes...they can structure themselves however they want as long as they get the jokes in there. At this time period, hour long dramas (with the exception of the Soaps) was all about the drama. And, most drama, is structured in the same way...and so the average drama episode is more like every other average drama episode than the sitcoms are...The sameness of the plotting and the structure used to bore me silly...it sort of still does...

Anyway...Magnum...Running around, goofy gags...Hawaiian shirts...This bit's an OK start to the issue. But, I never paid that much attention to the show so I don't know all the cliches...But, if I were a Magnum fan, I'm sure I would love this. I just emailed a copy to my mother-in-law. She'll respond when she can.

EXCLUSIVE OFFER!!: It's a very funny ad for "The Sylvester P. Smythe Treasury of Every Joke Ever Made!!" Love this page! I wish I could put this one up... You get all the riddles, puns, poems and limericks...

There was a young lady in Rome,
Who was asked how her mom
felt back home.
"I've been gone from the Igloo
The Whole summer and fall too,
But Alaska when I get to Nome"

The best.

I do also like "Admittedly there have been a few clinkers (especially during April of 1651)..."

IF T.V. WARNINGS APPEARED IN EVERYDAY LIFE: Pretty amusing...The Klags Arbor Day Album "The following album contains boring melodies as well as trite lyrics all performed by musicians incapable of playing more than two correct notes per song." I wonder if CRACKED still hated those rock 'n' rollers even at this point? I wouldn't put it past them. On Magazines "Danger! The contents of this magazine has the ability to either A) render its reader helpless with laughter or B) turns its purchaser into a seething hulk after discovering what he's paid for." Guess which magazine?

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XVI: Fun, as always. Oddly leggy.

A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.:Two pages...a completely enjoyable bit of article.

UPS
Now...OOPS - Obviously Obsolete Parcel Service - they nailed that one

CIA
CIRCUS - Central Intelligence Responsible for Covert and Undercover Schemes

ATT
URAT - Unfair Rates on American Telephones

It goes on like that.

MPG
MYPIG - Mileage You're Promised in the Garage

The drawings are nice and chaotic. I enjoyed this.

FUTURE ALL-STAR TV SPECIALS: "The Network Bake-Off The Stars" Cindy Williams vs. Mike Wallace! "The All Star-Medical Special" (right after "Bambi Gets Lucky") has Burt Reynolds and Loretta Swit performing surgery of sorts. "Political Debate of the stars" does feature Gary Coleman and The Duke Boys. "Celebrity Courtroom" has the Bee Gees in it! "And we ask you not to convict our client but allow her a few more years of Staying Alive Staying Alive!" Oh yeah...This article is madness. Crazy art, lots of nutty dialog...and Linda Lavin.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE FEATURING JEFF KEANE: This issue has been rather nutty. There's a chaos in it that doesn't show up in a lot of these issues. Normally, I love these one-panel cartoons but...they're too sparse for the zaniness of this issue. On their own, they're great.

ACNNIE: Well, they can't all be great...The two bookend parodies are the weakest part of this issue. I remember watching this over and over on HBO but never really liking it...Why the hell did I watch it? Acnnie starts off saying..."Do you know me? I'm not Karl Malden or any of the other unknown stars they use on those American Express commercials." Would adults who understood what she was talking about be reading this? It's a great act of faith on their part...And, possibly a greater act is the fact that this is 8 pages long! Is that the longest article/ parody/ bit in ages? 7, sure. But, 8? Why 8? I don't think it deserves 8...it goes on and on and there are some good moments, mainly involving Daddy Warbuck's head...but, there are also a lot of rotten puns and it does go on...Bring back the interstitial articles!

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: Well, the chaos is gone. They really are loving this bit lately. "Retardo Montalbaun stood at a railroad crossing waiting for the 8:02 for nearly 2 weeks before passerby finally told him the train had been out-of-service for years. BELIEVE IT OR NOT." And, there is a still...I wonder whose job it was to pick through all the stills for hours on end for these bits?

THE CRACKED SOCCER QUESTION AND ANSWER BOOKLET: This was around the time when I played soccer...This booklet taught me many things. It starts with "...what immediately comes to mind when we say 'soccer'?" And, yes, there is a drawing of a large man punching a woman hard on the chin...Classy Town! It is a rather fun booklet. Lot of questions with goofy answers and wacky illustrations.

Ask your first question
Q: Gee is it really my turn to speak?
A: Sure is.

Q: I've never been in a magazine before. Feels Strange. H Ma! Hi Uncle Irving! Hi...
A: Could we dispense with the hellos and move on to the business at hand?

Q: Sure. Sorry. Ah, what's this sports article on again?

Actually, these bits are pretty amusing. Wow! Having Fun With CRACKED!

WHEN ALL BUSINESSES GO AUTOMATED: The ATM had just appeared and now:

Automated Barber
Your Instant Santa
Automated Head Shrinker
Welcome to the Day & Night Tax Collector
Automated Painless Dentist
24-Hour Automated Guard
Day & Nite Super Market

I love the technology based bits. The joy of an "Automated Teller"! and all these great follow-up ideas. These are as wonderful as CB bits or Pet Rock articles. Seeing Pop Culture and Our Culture in these parody gags in a cheap humor magazine is so much more fun than reading up on the history. I didn't use an ATM in 1982 but I'm filled with deep nostalgia for these automated things we almost had. Thank you, CRACKED.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE USELESS PRODUCT KING: Sole Grippers turn slippery soles into no-slip grippers. A Fuzz-Eater removes lint and dirt from any garment in seconds. Personalized Dog Stationary! I get the feeling that as useless as the products here might be...we've topped them many times over. These items come from "General Arnold's Rubber Band And Gadget Emporium"...Are you up on your acronyms?... Nanny rips her stockings. The New Silk Weave Stockings are applied. Silk worms spin new ones...and we see the top of Nanny's thigh-high stockings...The All-New Late-Night CRACKED. CRACKED don't work blue! This is a goofy article...and I liked it.

SHUT-UPS: Only 2
1 - Electric Chair
2 - Dummy
3 - Iron-On instructions

IRON ON: This is the best...

The iron-on reads:

I SAW
Rocky I
Rocky II
Rocky III
Rocky IV
Rocky V
Rocky VI

The first three are checked off...and it wasn't until 2006 that this joke was completed. Wow! This is one of the coolest CRACKED jokes ever....

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: Let's be honest...after the iron-on, this is bound to be a letdown...but, the man who builds the 1st house but forgets to invent a door is amusing.

Great issue. The parodies let it down but they do that a lot, in certain eras. This one is chaotic, funny, stupid, intelligent and psychic...What more can CRACKED do for you today?

Next issue: I bet you were wondering when this little "guy" would show up.

CRACKED #190: Is this gag prescient or what?

2010-08-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

October 1982
by Pierre L.

Did we know, at this point, that the show was about to enter its final (11th) season? Hmmm...If not, CRACKED predicts our future! The cover is one of my favorites. The curtain coming down and the fact that the background Severin has drawn is a background. The backdrop of the MASH sets. It's great stuff.

POSTER: Yellow background? Check. A classic bit of gaggery. Check. Pretty good one. $5 to everyone whose name begins with "A" through "Y". But...there are no forms left!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Oh...I take back everything I said. "Looks like the curtain's coming down on MASH." I guess they did know. I think. Pru F-d-r? Luke N. Cee. He's back!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next Issue - August 10th. I had just turned nine when this issue came out. I am now the perfect age group for CRACKED!

THE DAY M*A*S*H*E*D ALMOST ENDED: What happened to M*U*S*H? Peace is declared! And, everyone tries to think of where they might go next..."D.J. and The Eye" - A medical examiner show. Marguerite Hooligan as Frontier Nurse! Eagleye and pals try to keep the fact that the war is over from everyone but...in the end...they fail. "Benji Loves Eagleye" is being set-up. But, even more "in the end", the network keeps the war going indefinitely! Hooray!...at least for a little while.

Can you believe MASH is ending?

IF AUTHORS REALLY MEANT WHAT THEY SAID!: Well...this is like those "Misread Headlines" bit. They are repeating their concepts a lot lately. "Walking down the street, he was struck by a thought." A man is being taken away by an ambulance. "Coulda been worse? He coulda been run over by a concept!" Funny but oh so familiar.

KIDS VS. ADULTS: 4 pages! Filler Town! "If you don't vote, it's apathy. If they don't vote, it's because "there's no real choice". "If your friends get in trouble, they're degenerates. If their friends get in trouble, it's an honest mistake." "When you want to do something different and exciting, it's risky. When they want to do something different and exciting, it's an adventure." Just like that...

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (AND WE REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME, FOR SURE!) PART XV: The saboteurs are shown parachuting into one of the frames. Two pages, several laughs. They never let you down with these.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO WINDSURFING: Wow! We haven't had one of these in ages. It's four pages of Windsurfing excitement narrated by a man named "Biff" whose head floats over each panel. It's wackiness it's Biff saying you must care for your board and we see a man giving flowers to his board. There's a gal with big boobs. Big waves. Falling down and all kinds of gaggage. It's an all right bit...I don't think these are filler because they're too elaborate. What are they then?

NEW USES FOR TELEVISION: Laser disks and video recorders! Magazine appear on your TV. Works of art. Change the view from your apartment. Place TV screens everywhere and go on a vacation in your home. Big screens and small screens. And, it's a pretty good bit and suddenly it's over...two pages was too short here.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A POLICE SQUAD: This issue hit the stands on July 6th 1982. Police Squad! (the Zuckers very funny but short-lived show) was canceled on July 8th. Boy, I wonder if they knew that that would happen. But, let's be honest...these bits can have a cool very crowded feel to them but the jokes are usually pretty rotten. No difference here...One example: "See the poor posture on that officer over there?" "He's obviously a crooked cop." Police Squad! was a fun show. I wish there were more than 6 episodes but 6 episodes (and the three movies) were perfect.

Oh...just read a little more. Apparently, four episodes were aired in March. The Network yanked it and the last two aired on July 2nd and July 8th. CRACKED! You're good.

THE CRACKED STEP-BY-STEP FOR GROWING YOUR OWN GARDEN: Feels too much like the Windsurfing bit to me. Six in-depth comedy-packed steps help you grow a "bumper crop". (Do you get that one?)
Step 1 - When to start the garden
Step 2 - How big a garden to have and where to place it
Step 3 - Preparing the soil
Step 4 - What to plant
Step 5 - Once your seeds are in
Step 6 - Harvesting and Enjoying
The bit has a few smiling moments but it's nothing that great.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: More stills with captions and some word balloons. Although, I don't know some of these don't quite make sense...I don't want to post them because they'll make less sense in my description but a few of these gag...I don't quite get. Is my mind turning to a jelly? And, if so, what flavor?

1982 CATALOG FOR COSTUMED HEROES: Pretty entertaining three page bit. Super Rubic Cube! Caped Crusader Landing Wheel! "I Accept" credit card patches fit right onto your cape. Good stuff...It's funny, though. The art makes me think this is an old bit with "1982" freshly written in and a new gag about the Rubix Cube added. Hmmm...

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE FEATURING JEFF KEATE: Two pages of pretty funny one-panel gags. I like when CRACKED goes into areas like this. Things they don't normally do. Fun.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING SAGEBRUSH: It's an OK Sagebrush. Better than the last one.

HOW HOT IS IT?: Not hot enough that three pages of these gags are needed. "Fish in New Mexico have taken to begging." is pretty funny...actually, re-reading this...this is the funniest of all of these bits. There's actually some creativity here. Well done. Hamlet! "Erik Estrada as Hamlet Gary Coleman as the King!" Th theater is air conditioned, after all. Pretty good bit...I take back my opening sentences.

YE HANG UPS: One page, four gags, a few laughs.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SPECIAL EFFECTS KING: Douglas Thimbal talks about the effects for "Escape From The Clone Zone", which involves giant attack noses. The Special Effects King looks a lot like that evil doctor from Captain Marvel/ Shazam! What the heck was his name. Dr. Silvana? or something...Why am I having trouble finding this info? I'm using The Internet. It's a funny bit. Five pages of goofball explanations for special effects. It's worth a read.

SHUT-UPS:

1 - Shut-up!
2 - Shut-up!
3 - A Fat Guy in a CRACKED T-shirt!

Love it!

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: The first vending machine, invented by a cannibal tribe. Pretty funny.

It's a very solid issue of CRACKED. Some highs, some lows. But, looking at it from my 9-year-old perspective, I would have read this and then re-read it all day long. Good one, CRACKED!

Next issue: Buff and awesome!

CRACKED #189: One Final Appearance...

2010-08-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

September 1982
by Pierre L.

The whole layout of Happy Days had changed since the last time we saw it. When was that? I think when the UFO showed up back in...look it up (September 1978). It was some time ago. And now, the show was at the end of its 9th Season. Richie was long gone. So was Ralph Malph. Potsie had nothing to do. Joanie & Chachi were about to be spun off. The Fonz had been neutered in the same way Mr. T would be in a few years.

But, they were still the Happy Days Family. The show was still in the top 20. People still loved it. It was a pleasant place to go. Now, I want to watch all the episodes.

On the cover, with a full background, Chachi and the Fonz share the space. Who would have thought that Joanie would have been so popular to the show? Strange...I did used to watch the show a lot at this time. I would watch it on its Primetime weekly airing and then in syndication all week.

Oh...great cover...let's hop in.

POSTER: On a white background! It's a 3-D poster....but, it's sort of not really. Think 3-D...think CRACKED...think their brand of humor...you'll get it.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Aaron E. Oss, pruf r-d-r. I see an old lady, a mean guy, Ronny R., The Talking Blob, a howling cat and Uncle Sam.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 6th. Right after the 4th! A great bunch of days!

HAPPIER DAYS: I love the layout on this. The first two pages is a series of 10 panels along the border...Funzie, Borey Beth, Itchie Jr., Moronion Cunninghamandeggs, Coward C., Ruger (the C's nephew), Giddy Piccallilli, Boney, Cha Cha and Arnuld. To be honest, I have no idea who half those people are but when a show goes so long and it's an ensemble and large chunks keep leaving...that'll happen. I suppose someone who missed Doctor Who for a few years would be extremely confused upon returning.

The Fonz doesn't do much here. The parody is all about the people who aren't around any more. And, the fact that some characters have faded into the background. And, the fact that some characters have been doing the same joke for years. And, the fact that some new characters didn't quite work. And, the fact that every episode is now focused around Joanie & Chachi. And, the show is very different.

But, we still loved it. it was still great fun.

It's funny The Fonz was in the background of the first Happy Days parody. He's in the background here. What a strong force he was in the world of CRACKED.

The Fonz, Mork, Gary Coleman, Star Wars.

Were those the four elements that made the magazine such a winner in the second half of the 70's? Well, they're all pretty much gone now. And, this is very cool, we've been with them the whole time.

A great parody to open the issue. Can the rest of the magazine live up to it?

Of course not...But, let's have a look anyway.

THE TRANSLATOR & THE DUEL: An amusing one panel bit in silhouette. It's an old joke but it's better than a "You Know You're Whatever When You Whatever" bit.

HOW THE GOVERNMENT CAN REALLY SAVE MONEY: Fun. DEFENSE "By recruiting only short servicemen the government can save money in materials. A midget army can get by on: Smaller Uniforms, Smaller Barracks, Smaller Food Rations, Smaller Disability payments." "I want you, Shorty! for the U.S. Mini-Army!" Bits on Social Security, School Aid, Medicaid, Welfare, etc. Not bad.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF TEENAGE DATING: Oh no. This could go horribly wrong. Four pages about the foibles of Foible World, U.S.A. I don't know. We went from a very specific thing in the Happy Days world to this generic stuff...It's OK. But, there is one strip that cheeses me...

A couple sits in a movie theater. They are waiting to see Dracula's Psychiatrist. The young man is very considerate.

"Is your seat comfortable?"
"Very."
"Is anybody's head in your way?"
"Nope."
"Is the person next to you talking so he'll interfere with your enjoyment of the movie?"
"Nope. The seat's empty."
"And there's no sticky candy on the floor or drafts from the air conditioning?"
"Everything's just perfect."

Then, he asks if they can change seats because there's a huge guy in front of him. That's the gag...But, it makes no sense...See Question 3 and the answer above.

Sloppy.

CRACKED SPELL OUTS: Based on the "How Do You Spell RELIEF?" commercial. How do you spell MEDICINE? C-A-S-H. How do you spell TELEVISION? O-P-I-A-T-E. How do you spell EL SALVADOR? V-I-E-T-N-A-M?!! How do you spell Loni Anderson? D-Y-N-A-M-I-T-E Four pages of this. It's OK. But, isn't it very MAD?

MORE PRESS MISTAKES: Funny bit. "Russians are noted for their vodka and their ability to smoke fish." Yep! A Russian is smoking a fish. "Dog for sale: House broken, will eat anything especially fond of children." Yep! A hungry dog surrounded by the bones of children is about to eat another one. Only two pages. Fun.

THE CRACKED MOVIE III: Not as much fun as II, oddly enough. It has a similar plot to the first one. The Talking Blob goes missing this time, instead of Nanny. He's got amnesia and is living on a farm in Topeka. There are a bunch of song parodies and it's in SURROUNDSOUND. It's fun to see everyone goofing around but, it's odd, I don't like it as much as the first two. How did that happen? I think there's a IV around here somewhere. I wonder if I'll like it more.

RELIEF IS: Three pages of this..."Drinking 3 gallons of lemonade at a restaurant, then going to the rest room and discovering..." A man dashes into a Men's room. But, an old lady can't get in the Woman's room...Out of Service! This goes on for three pages.

But, a guy does call a co-worker a "Nerd Ball!" That's worth something. And, a kid tries to flush a banana down the toilet.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: A "Foto Funnies" bit. Two pages. Long captions and a little gag in the black & white photo. They're fun. A lot of reading, though. I just had a glance at the front cover of the issue. I miss The Fonz. This bit's all right.

YE HANG UPS: Four one-panel gags. They're good for a smile.

THE SPOILED ROTTEN CATALOGUE: A Twig Throwing Machine. A Walkman Tape Player For Dogs. A Bark Amplifier for small dogs. Tabby's Perpetual Milk Fountain. A Chowhound Beeper Alarm. Some fun illustrations even if none of the items is really all that funny.

SAGE BRUSH: Fun art. Bad joke. Sorry.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF LOOKING GOOD: Seriously, another one of these? Four pages of gags about exercise and name-brand athletic equipment. A man puts a bag over his wife's head. I don't know. Flip it!

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Frankenstein
2 - Mrs. Lavinia Stein
3 - Beer Stein

STEIN!

GREAT MOMENTS IN TRANSPORTATION: Oh look! A slave being abused! What's with these back covers?

Starts of strong and proud...saying goodbye to Happy Days and The Fonz...then it trails off. But, really, why wouldn't it?

Next issue: Wow! They're back!

CRACKED #188: This is what you do...

2010-08-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

August 1982
by Pierre L.

You have a contest! Big Prizes always sell magazines. Don't they?

Well, this is a kick ass "Sevarin"[sic] cover. Syl + Eva...How many times does "EVA" appear on this cover? 1...2...3...a lot... Good luck everyone.

POSTER: No yellow background. It's a "PUBLIC PARK RULES" poster. Pretty much...you can't do anything. At the end, they tell you to enjoy the park. Zing! Zang!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Aaron Spellin is now the prif rdr. Well, good for him! "Enter our best contest eva! Rules and entry blank on page 5."

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - June 1st The accountant is gone. Lots of letters but...the contest rules are here...

Have Fun You Can Win
Enter this contest today!
3 Grand Prized
ATARI Video Games
The popular games that you play on your own television!
Plus 22 Runner-Up Prizes of free one year subscriptions to CRACKED Magazine

"Eva is Sylvester's new girlfriend. Her name has been hidden in the park scene on our front cover. Find the number of times Eva's name appears on the front cover...Then, on a separate piece of paper, tell us your favorite joke."

Entries must be mailed by June 8th, 1982...Crap...

THE FALLING GUY: I never watched this show. Never seemed interesting to me...and I'm having a heck of a time paying attention to it...So, I've brought in a Guest Reviewer for this bit of the review: GVB the Third to help...Sir...

GUEST REVIEWER:

GVB3 here... The great thing about The Falling Guy is that, in so many ways, it encapsulates everything that CRACKED is about, namely sucking ass.

CRACKED SUCKS! MAD FOREVER! I think they had Pac-Man on the cover around this time! Read that instead!

OK! OK! Enough of this! PIERRE L. IS BACK!

Ghumdrop Vincent Burlington III strikes again. I didn't realize it was the same guy. I thought the same man who ruined my review of #178 was long gone. Apparently, he's still lurking.

Ghumdrop, I'll get you!

I still don't know anything about The Fall Guy, though.

COLLISION COURSES: A man with no gas is about to meet an Arab sheik. A Feminist is about to meet a Male Chauvinist. The best? A man with a ladder is about to run into a man holding a TV. At one page, I like it.

HOW TO SAVE THE BANKING INDUSTRY: Space themed banks! Old West banks! Banks with igloos! The bank presidents will tell jokes to people. No more toasters for deposits...Designer Jeans. Dishwashing service...Pac-man! Magicians in the lines to keep people interested. Centerfolds in bank books...I think CRACKED's onto something here. It's a pretty amusing bit. Better than The Falling Guy. But, all of these sorts of bits are so formulaic...I get lethargic...

HOW GULLIBLE ARE YOU?: Well...it's not that great but I like the art. Do you believe the plumber when he says..."This repair shouldn't cost you more than $15...unless I hit a snag...but that's pretty unlikely. After all, all I'm doing is changing a washer." No matter what your grandfather tells you, do you take it as fact? Granddad loved Nixon. You check off boxes (Yes or No) under each panel. Then, there's a score...The article's all right...But, it's nothing to tattoo on your ass if you know what I mean.

I TATTOO CRACKED ON YOUR MAMA'S ASS!!!

What the hell?

MAD 4EVER!

Ghumdrop has somehow broken into the post. I don't know how that's possible. We must be on our guard.

ONE DAY IN THE DEPARTMENT STORE: A blind man, spinning his seeing eye dog around...You know this joke...It's fun(ish). Enjoy the page.

TALKING VENDING MACHINES: At two pages, there are some funny moments here. (Stretch if any more and you got problems.) Abused machines punch back. Cigarette machines blow smoke in your face. Some machines talk to lonely people. Your Mom thinks you stink. Put a slug in a machine...it'll grab you. Like your Mom grabbed me last night. A pretty good article.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XIII: Two pages. At least three laughs...that works for me. I see Don Knotts!

T-SHIRTS WE'LL NEVER SEE THEM WEARING: Sylvester P. Smythe wears a MAD shirt. Alfred E. Newman wears a CRACKED shirt. Archie Bunker wears a NAACP shirt. Gloria Steinem has a Playboy Bunny shirt. Gags like that. Very MAD...again...MAD check #232 or #233...there might be two pages missing.

Ghumdrop! Knock it off!

Actually, I had the exact same thought about that article that he did.

A CRACKED LOOK AT HOUSEHOLD CHORES: Three pages, all gags, no waiting. Young man like to do laundry to meet women. A young boy is offered a new train car (toy trains) every time he takes out the garbage...That garbage ain't getting taken out! IMAD is better than this! Why not read MAD!? I'm going to start my own site! MAD Magazine Reviews and it will start in the 50's and be better than this! The art is fun here but the gags are so-so.

KIDS, YOU KNOW YOU REALLY HAVE TO WORRY WHEN: Wow...three pages of this... "You grab the wrong lunch and you end up with coffee and a turkey sandwich and your Mother gets juice and peanut butter and jelly." "You aren't at home when the new issue of CRACKED arrives." "You get home and your Mother says 'The school called...'." "You get home and me and your Momma are getting it on!" -GVB3 Rules!

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: I don't know. Is there a point in going on? He's tapped the review. He knows what I'm typing and can PUD! me around at anytime. There's a flying car...there's an old lady...there's a parachute...I'm a stupid jerkhead...there's a...OK...

ADULTS FOLLOWING THE RULES THEY SET FOR CHILDREN: All right...Ghumdrop...take over! I give up!

OK! MAD rules! CRACKED sucks!

STOP WATCHES FOR A CONTEMPORARY BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS: That's all you got, Ghum? What's the point? You said all that stuff before. Why say it again? People can see what you've written on your previous post. Part of me just wants to say to you...that the stop watch for "Dreaming of a whiff of clean and fresh air over modern cities" is at 77 Years and 9 months and 23 days...But, what would you care? Especially, if I said that this article is a little obvious but not without its charms..."Getting the waiter's attention in a restaurant...7 hours, 38 minutes, 20 seconds" What do you think of that, Ghumdrop?! If that is your real name? YOUR MAMA! I wrote that! Pierre L...not Ghumdrop.

CRACKED SUCKS, MAD RULES! I wrote that, Pierre L. did! What do you think of that?!

WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT THE WORLD TODAY?: I don't know. Let's ask GVB3...

MAD RULES! CRACKED...AWESOME!

Ha! Now, I hacked into your hacking! Try it...YOUR MAMA GIVES gifts! She does give gifts. That's my mama.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GAME SHOW KING: I'm onto your game, you Invader of Other People's Blogs. Nanny kicks Mr. Cluck Embarris, the Game Show King's, behind and I'm mailing you yours before the Shut-Ups! You do not get the Shut-Ups! This ends now! Speak now! You won't get more than two words out before I zap you.

MAMA's family!

BLOW your own horn!

MAD men is a good show!

I beat you, Ghumdrop. Get the hell out of here. Go to the CRAZY Magazine Reviews site and bug them for a while.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Dogs
2 - Bricks
3 - Reagan

Dogbrickagan. I love Shut-Up words.

GREAT MOMENTS IN TRANSPORTATION: Royalty are abusing slaves again...Oh well. It's Gagtastic!

Things have calmed down. I don't even remember much of this issue now. All I remember is that we put an A-Hole down! So, let's move on.

Next issue: Still trying to bring those sales up...an old friend makes an appearance for the final time.

CRACKED #187: Selling Fewer Magazines? Put Everyone On The Cover!

2010-08-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

July 1982
by Pierre L.

You saw it in the last post. After half-a-decade of solid sales, CRACKED's popularity began to drop in 1981. (Odd, that was when I started to read it.) By the end of 1982, sales would really begin to slide until the middle of 1985. (We'll discuss that when we get there.) But, now, we're early in '82 and the staff are giving it their all. This cover has a background! Granted it's the gray/ white exterior of The Love Boat but there is a background.

And, look at everyone on there:

The Dukes & Daisy
Mork & Mindy
Gary Coleman
Tootie
Captain Gavin MacLeod
The Bandit!
& Sylvester

All welcoming us to a "Wacky Love Boat Cruise!" Let's go in.

POSTER: Yep, the yellow background is here. Brighter than ever. This is the "ECHO POSTER!" Yell something at it and your voice will echo...Check the fine print! You gotta hang it in the Grand Canyon! Oh, the love!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. See is still the prueff rdeder. He's kept his job! Bob Sproul is just the publisher. No longer the editor. Marion Sproul is the editor. I think this issue looks fun. I never like to guess until I've been there, though. Although, I guess I just guessed.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next Issue - April 20th. Accountant is still there. "Dear CRACKED, Is your magazine inteliigeant?" "What did the drumstick say to the drum?" All these questions. Let's learn from each other.

Oh...According to THE COMIC BOOK PRICE GUIDE, CRACKED Issue. No. 70 is worth 80 cents, and the first issue of CRACKED is now worth $24.

THE WILDEST AND WEIRDEST LOVE BOAT CRUISE OF THEM ALL: And is it ever...There's no plot at all. Everyone on the cover shows up on the Love Boat, does a few gags making fun of the characteristics of their particular shows and then there's a car chase with the Dukes and the Bandit. Lots of bad puns. Some great illustrations of folks being goofy. An exploding pig and Jonathan Winters. Of course, Mork & Mindy was at its very end. The ratings had plummeted and it was going off the air soon. But, it's nice to have them back one more time. And, of course, Diff'rent Strokes was no longer a megahit. Although, it was only halfway through its run. The Dukes, however, were kicking ass. Smokey & The Bandit 2 had come out in the Summer of 1980. The Love Boat was going strong, too. A mix of Current Juggernauts and old CRACKED favorites...possibly some of them appearing for the last time.

WHAT THEY'RE REALLY THINKING WHEN THEY SAY: Oh no...This is no way to run a magazine. These articles are pure filler. Try as they might. As far as I know, this bit could have run 15 or 20 years previously. I don't get anything out of it.

A GOOD DATE VS. A BAD DATE: Seriously? Three pages of more of this kind of thing. The artist is one I haven't seen for a while or at all. That makes me think they have a new artist or...this is a very old bit. I don't remember it so I'm saying it a new bit. So, HOORAY! for the new bit. I wish it was funny.

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOTS: This is a pretty funny bit. There's a picture of a man on the ground with his eyes closed and one leg in the air. He seems to be tapping on a sewer drain. "Mr. Frank Sonata, a music professor at Boston College can play "You Light Up My Life" on a sewer drain with one leg in the air and both eyes closed! BELIEVE IT OR NOT." It's all stuff like that and it's three pages and it's pretty good. Now, you could point out that all this is is a variation on The Cracked Lens...so that makes a lot of "Foto Funnies" gaggery in this issue...But, luckily, it's something they do a good job with, generally.

COLLISION COURSE: "Ban Guns" meets a hunter. Kermit the Frog with a thin pig meeting Miss Piggy. A dog meeting a dogcatcher...and more!!!! Well, it's one page. It's fun to get that little snap of realizing what the gag is so I can't slander this one.

VIDEO COLLEGE: Taking classes from home via Video! It's sort of amusing but nothing earth shattering. It's the third page that is awesome...The advertisers pitch to people at Video College...My favorite? "Thanks to Slap-On Facial Paint All your Video College Classes Can Be Truly Integrated" You buy these assorted paints and paint your face to make your class interracial. You use "Honky White For Blacks" & "Midnight Mahogany For Whites". "Your home study classes can assume a truly international atmosphere with the addition of Tacos Brown & Won Ton Yellow". The best!

YE HANGS UPS: Oh, it's one page and it's fun. These one panel pages are generally amusing.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: One of them is "The Generation Gap". GENER ATION.
Get it? Two pages of those. I like 'em but I still never get 'em.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF RELATIVES: Oh dear..Well, I read it. 4 pages of several panel strips with relative gags. A little boy thinks that if his pregnant sister has a little girl, he'll be an aunt. A kid responds to a fat relative who says "I remember when you were this high" with a "...when you were this wide..." bit.

I'll detail one of the strips and then we'll move on:

Panel 1: Two fat, mean ladies leave a house. A husband and wife stand in the doorway.
Wife: Well, I'm glad that's over with. I can't believe your cousins Sonia and Clara argued and fought all evening.

Panel 2: Inside, the husband stands looking rather smug. The wife has a tray of dirty dishes.
Husband: Well, it's like Einstein once said. Put two people born of the same blood in the same room and they'll always go for each other's throats.
Wife: When did Einstein say that?
Husband: In his famous theory.
Wife: Which one is that?

Panel 3: Wife is washing dishes. Husband holds up a finger and has a goofy look on his face.
Husband: The theory of Relative-ity!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part XII: Only two pages? Well, they're funny. Read them.

TOO DUMB FOR COMFORT: I had no idea that this show was on so early in the 80's. For some reason, I always thought this was mid-80's.Started in 1980...ran for three season on the Network and then three(ish) more seasons in syndication. In the end, it became The Ted Knight Show. Hmm...I used to watch this in syndication all the time. It was one of those "Not really all that funny but Jm. J Bullock is pretty darn amusing" shows. That's why I watched. Now, I couldn't even imagine trying it but I'm jaded. This parody is OK. 7 pages seems a touch excessive to me especially when they could have included more "What They're Really Thinking" stuff. I'm kidding, of course. A decent parody but it doesn't match the pure OOMPH! of the opener.

MORE CELEBRITY GARBAGE: The opening blurb above the title, the title and the art around it look very old. But, the rest of the bit is new. I think. The last time they did this was Issue #131 - The Godfather Meets Jaws - March 1976...Would have come out at the end of 1975...The year CRACKED had its largest circulation. Is there any clearer reason why this not-so-funny seems-to-be-ripped-off-from-MAD bit has reappeared? Miss Piggy, J. R. Ewing, The Regans, Howard Cosell...Their garbage is here...

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SKI RESORT KING: A good Nanny bit. She really gets cheesed at Mr. Schuss who runs these resorts that really rip people off. She even has tons of film footage to show off things that are skeevy. A cup of tea is 65 cents...but, you use a Universal Tea Bag. The fireplaces are coin operated. 50 cents lifts a metal frame and exposes the fireplace for 12 minutes. Do they make snow? No...they shred paper. They do give everyone Free Snowballs to eat. But, in the end, a film mishap derails Nanny's expose. Oh well. Good bit, though. I wish all of these were like this.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Dad
2 - Bell
3 - Bull

Dadbellbull...I love it.

GREAT MOMENTS IN FASHION: This is a good one. Sir Algernon Stewart-Ellsworth III invents the Stove-Pipe Top Hat on 6/11/1857. See it and giggle.

Well, they seem to nail down certain bits, most of the parodies, Foto Funnies, Word Play, but other bits (you know the ones) seem like endless filler to me. I guess if each issue is like an album by one of your favorite bands, then it would be one a band that put out too much material. For every great bit there's a weak bit...that's too bad. I may check out some of the Collector's Editions and Super CRACKED issues to see if they get the chaff out.

Let's carry on.

Next issue: What else do you do when your sales are beginning to plummet?

Cracked Circulation

2010-07-24T11:05:00.000-07:00

At the end of every year, CRACKED places the "Statement of Publication and so forth" in the Lettuce page. And, every year, I casually mention it and move on. Well, I've just gone through a batch of them to check the circulation throughout the years I love. It's interesting. I list the year then the issue that this info came from. Usually, March came out in December.

1972 (May 1973): 325,762
1973 (May 1974): 550,052
1974 (March 1975): 880,000
1975 (March 1976): 1,015,210
1976 (March 1977): 806,922
1977 (March 1978): 904,916
1978 (March 1979): 884,392
1979 (March 1980): 866,017
1980 (March 1981): 855,918
1981 (March 1982): 728,501
1982 (March 1983): 653,721
1983 (March 1984): 579,728
1984 (March 1985): 533,320

They shot way up and them dropped down...1985 is when Bob Sproul left. Probably a wise choice. (That's when I leave too.)

1976 was The Year of The Fonz. Strange that the circulation dropped. 1977 was the Year of Star Wars. It goes back up.

I'd love to know why they passed a million in 1975. Anyone? What was happening to MAD that year?

Cracked #186: What is the left side of the cell against?

2010-07-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

May 1982
by Pierre L.

As Barney Miller drew to a close (in its 8th season), the Folks from CRACKED return for one more parody. Fish is long gone. He embarked on his solo career. He was replaced by Steve Hogarth and they're still going strong. Having everyone moving around on the cover is cool. That little peek of a bulletin board on the left is nice. Look behind Barney, on the ground. Moulding. Implying a hallway. All of that is great. But, then you look behind the cell. What's with that green? And, what is the left side of the cell against. Is there a wall there? I can't quite tell. I think there is. Yeah. If you look behind the paintbrush, there is an implied corner. But, still, a real wall is needed for the joke to work. It could have been handled a little better.

Regardless...this is CRACKED, not the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Inside?

A bright yellow poster with black lettering awaits us. Some kid had walls in his room that looked like some kind of giant strange bee. I can't imagine any parent being thrilled by this color covering the walls. I'm getting a little nauseous looking at it now.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: pr-f rddrr still Luke N. See 4 writers. And some fun stuff approaching.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The accountant is still a tightwad. There is a Jaws-related SUPER CRACKED on the stands. Next issue - March 9th The Saboteurs & Investigators are all over this. We'll have to talk more about them soon.

BLARNEY MILLER: There are some different cats members but the jokes are exactly the same. Wacky prisoners. Talk of "plots" and filling up their half hours. A guy brings in 100 pounds of squid because he misread "SQUAD ROOM". That one guy is in a designer suit. That other guy is still Polish. Stuff like that. The show would go off the air soon so they were giving it one last go. Somehow it doesn't ring quite as true as giving M*A*S*H a final jab but...If only everyone on this show were nude.

CRACKED'S PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE: Some funny bits. Pictures matched with write-ups. My favorite: A little boy throws money in the air. "A two-year old boy living in Idaho will become the youngest millionaire in American history after winning the Idaho state lottery. (But will end up blowing it all on Tab and the three-year-old next door.)" There is a three-armed Brooke Shields and a giant spider. (Not in the same photos.) Two pages of giggles.

IF T.V. COMMERCIALS WERE FORCED TO TELL THE TRUTH: A good bit. "Bunty Paper Towels" "Poopsi Cola" "Mail-Order Records" "Stanka Coffee" "Alpoo Dog Food" I love the Sam Whitehead art matched with these parodies. The commercials come rushing right back to my memory. This bit actually seems like it should have been in another magazine I used to read as a kid but I don't remember which one. Bananas? Maybe it was. The Stanka coffee bit brings me giggles.

CRACKED "YOU KNOW YOU'RE _______ WHEN"'S: "ugly...better stop sewing...better find another bank...it's time to clean your room...staying at a lousy hotel..." Oh well, it started off strong. The art is fun but the gags are strictly 1912. John Bunny was more up-to-date.

VIDEO GAMES OF THE FUTURE: Great stuff! And, at three pages, way too short. Multi-Movie Maze "Object of game is for player to buy some popcorn at the snack counter, and then return to correct movie from which he exited. Player must avoid getting zapped by hostile crowd at snack counter or being side tracked by video games in lobby." Good stuff like that. The "All-Sports Players Strike" is an empty baseball field. "Nothing happens for entire length of game." The third page has "Custom-made celebrity video games" for Dracula and Billy Martin, Gary Coleman, Mean Joe Greene & Mork. All great, all the time.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN UPPER CLASS & MIDDLE CLASS: Oh well. They're really trying to make a point here, aren't they? What that point might be...I couldn't tell you. Upper class on one side and Middle class on the other. hey! The Middle class struggles and doesn't have as much money as the rich. I truly thought this article might be making a point but it's really just taking up space until the next article...

CRACKED LOOK AT TEACHER TYPES: Oh crap. This is the next article. At least it's only two pages. Mr. Hip is an old hippie. Mr. Buddy-Buddy is your pal. Miss America is hot. Mr. Impossible gives tough tests. Mr. Pierre is bored.

THREE'SA COMPANY: Well, it's got the Whitehead art. But, what is the fascination with really old sitcoms here? Last issue, The Jeffersons. This one, BM & this one, in it's 6th season, I believe. The art is funny but most of the actual jokes (written) aren't, But, Sybill Smythe - Sylvester's younger sister, shows up in the end. "With all their family knows about the janitorial profession, we should really sweep up in the Nielson's now!" There's no real plot. It just kind of goes from gag to gag about the show's make-up and then it ends. It's OK. But, the BM parody was like this, too. Two in the same issue make me a little sleepy.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE Featuring Jeff Keate: Two pages off one-panel gags. pretty amusing.

A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH RONALD REAGAN: In the BM parody, a woman asks "What President Reagan meant about the ketchup?" I think that refers to when the U.S. gov't classified ketchup as a vegetable or something. That thought is funnier than this bit. And, this bit goes on for 5 pages... Nanny Dickering is there and she makes a joke about saving "$1.80". Oh, that tightwad! The Talking Blob is there, too. I'm not particularly chuffed on this bit.

COLLISION COURSES: Two pages of...a dog about to meet up with a cat...a burglar about to meet up with a cop...Sylvester about to meet up with Alfred...I guess it's OK. The issue's kind of wound away from us.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) PART XI: Only two pages. As funny as ever...but only two pages?

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE SOAP OPERA KING: More Nanny. She interviews Mr. Bud Suds. They mention Dallas. Mr. Suds id preparing a show called "Houston". "See the struggles of R. J. Uwing!" I'll watch it. Yep. Soap operas are repetitive and they can make some people cry. It goes on like this. I don't think Nanny's really tightening any screws here. It is what it is. Some funny gags about soap operas although I'd rather be watching Dallas.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - driving
2 - plants
3 - Nelson, Willie

Final Tally - MERV!!! I giggled and told my cat to "Shut Up!" There is a strange bit at the top of the page. A little man with a ring and string out of his back. "Pull the ring and hear a very funny joke." What the heck?

GREAT MOMENTS IN EDUCATION: A Pharaoh starts a speed-reading course. Slaves get hurt!

You know, the issue started with an ass-kick and then it faded and sort of just caught back up to itself by the end. Maybe the next one will be better.

Next issue: Finally, we're out to sea! Literally...Come and see the laughs.

CRACKED #185: Right Through The Cover!

2010-07-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

by Pierre L.
March 1982

Fun cover! And, for once, the bland background is perfect. If The Dukes are leaping through the air, then the background behind them would be blue. And, they're tearing through the magazine. Granted, there could be something on the white page but I like to think that they're bursting through a blank page.

Let's go in...

POSTER: Yellow background...Now, I have to pee. "JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST METRICS: WE DON'T WANT NO FOREIGN RULERS." This comedy makes me feel funny...downstairs.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Luke N. See is back as the pr rdr. Lots of writers on this one. I see George Jefferson. Why are the contents always out of order? Is that a joke I missed the set-up for?

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - January 26th, 1982. The Tightwad accountant is still here. And, there is another "Statement of Ownership, Management & Circulation". Hooray! Average copies printed per month: 728,501. Subscribers: 384, 587. I forget if they're doing better than they were. It's in one the previous entries.

THE DORKS OF HAZARDOUS: Bossy Hog is up to some crazy shit! He overhears Dizzy Dork saying something about hiding her tips in a coffee can. So, Bossy and Sheriff Rascal arrange the "The 13th Annual Round Hazzardous County Car Derby!" No one (including Bob Sproul) can remember the first 12 but Boo & Cuke get pulled in. And, a crazy race ensues as Uncle Fussy is distracted away. And, in the end, Dizzy was talking about asparagus tips and those two daffy dimwits (the law, not the Dorks) go to jail! Ha...The whole thing curves along with some really bad jokes but entertaining art.

How long do you think it took them to come up with those names?

MORE PRESS MISTAKES: Funny bit. "Your husband will be surprised at the great stew that can be made from this new cookbook!" A woman is shown cooking her cookbook. "Look for Sam's Sewer Service under water in the yellow pages!" A man is underwater flipping through the phone book. Two pages of these and they're pretty amusing. Nice bit.

THE CRACKED ANNOYANCE BAROMETER: A little barometer next to each panel. A stone in your sneaker - 47. People who sit behind you during a movie and do nothing but talk - 25. One of them that doesn't have a heading but seems to be The Tonight Show - 17. Take home tests on a holiday weekend - 100. I don't know. I think these sorts of articles are long past their prime. Maybe I would have nodded at these when I was younger and said "Hell yeah!" But, I don't think so.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part X: 5 pages on this one! Panels with guys fighting but the word balloons say "You may not know how to fight, but you're a marvelous dancer." All of it solid...like this bit.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE FEATURING JEFF KEATE: I like this guy. Some funny one-panel bits here.

A CRACKED LOOK AT AN AIRPORT TERMINAL: Scan around. Is there a joke about "checking bags" that involves someone putting a big check on a bag? ...Yes, there is. Oh God, I really thought these bits were a thing of the past. They stunk in '77. They stink here.

THE CRACKED MANUAL OF MODERN MERCHANDISING METHODS: Oh, I'm worn out writing that title. "If you give your product an exotic name, you can get more money for it." "Boeuf a la maison" is a hamburger for $10.50 "If you're competing against a tough company that makes a better product at a lower price, buy the other company." You can guess the illustration. A few more bits like this. They're clever observations but the illustrations seem a bit superfluous. Or maybe the whole article is...I think the normal CRACKED way of doing stuff got in the way of this one.

THE JABBERSONS: A Jeffersons parody! Finally! Halfway through its eighth season, we get the parody all America has been waiting for. Although, I think most folks grew up while they were waiting. Why is there a Jeffersons parody here? I just answered my own question...1981-1982 - The Jeffersons was the #3 show in America. Well, the art is fun and they do seem to get the sort of things that the characters were doing on the show. But, generally, the jokes revolve from pokes at the show to standard CRACKED jokes. That's always felt odd to me but...this is a pretty darn entertaining parody in the end. And, Gary Coleman appears.

I guess I like this one.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING THE CHILD PSYCHIATRIST: One panels about child psychology. Not as funny as Bill Keate's stuff.

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE IF...: Oh well, one of these. Or, really, another one of these. "When you look out the window of your airplane...and you see the pilot parachuting by!" Luckily, there are only two pages of these. Move on.

THE CRACKED HISTORY OF AVIATION: Four pages and not bad. A lot of text and a lot of it very obvious but it's a fun read. Normally, my eyes glaze over when I see all the text lathered with the illustrations but here...I liked it. Although, as I scan through to find some jokes to use as an example, nothing really grabbed me. Hmmm...maybe I'm going goofy. it has been hot.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE CRACKED MAZAGINE KING: Nanny interviews Robert C. Sprawl (Oh yeah!). And, we see Marion Sprawl and The Talking Blob & Joe Catalanooo. In the end, Nanny interviews herself and puts all the readers to sleep. So, she throws water at us. I woke up. It's a real fun article. We see the writers at work and the artists working with nude models...and all of it seems to be done from the privacy of a small wooden shack in the center of NYC.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Desk on a lady
2 - Grass is greener joke. This one isn't good. Weird.
3 - A desert island gag.

I'm going to give this a very rare Thumbs Down. They don't seem like they were trying very hard. Sorry folks.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: "Igwar Nagoolik invents reading (Unfortunately, no one had invented writing yet!)

And, a decent issue of CRACKED ends as it began: decently. A fun issue loaded with one to many articles that I would call filler. I would have loved it if they could have only released issues when they had enough material. Of course, they don't come out every month and the ones that come out after a two month break aren't appreciably better than any of the others...Forget I said anything.

Next issue: Wow! This show is still on!

CRACKED #184: Our Little Slugger

2010-07-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

January 1982
by Pierre L.

Well, it's a funny cover but apparently the budget for layouts is gone again. Check out that "awesome" boxing ring they are standing in. Three barely defined ropes and a (sort of) line that is the edge of the ring...CRACKED, come on.

Here was what MAD had from the same month...

(Thanks, Doug.)

You gotta up the ante. Having Sylvester's face off to the side saying "BUY ME!" seems a touch...desperate. I guess it's these kind of money saving ideas that kept them going for so long.

They sure know how to milk a trend, though.

POSTER: The world's first digital wall scale...Yes, it involves your fingers. Actually, a good joke and it's not on yellow paper.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: PrufF RRfdr, For Rent. Writers for this issue - Randy Epley, Steve Doroba, Andy Lamberti, John Langton, Vonice Brady --- I see Stan Laurel, Gary Coleman and The Frankenstein Monster. Oh boy!

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Here's $1.80 Our Accountant is a Tightwad!" A $1.80 discount on 12 issues of this sweet, sweet magazine. I'm sending in my coupon now.

"Mundo Loco" is still the Spanish version of CRACKED. "El Increible HULKO!" Next issue - December 15th

DIFF'RENT STROKES: The title is not changed. This is another one of those straightforward versions of the show. There are a few parody type things here but mostly it's just jokes about Arnold's height and why Kimberly has nothing to do. Mr. Drummond gets beaten up. Arnold wears stretch shocks to help him get taller. There is a joke about "On The Right Track". It's sort of, kind of a parody but really it's here to let kids enjoy a little extra shot of Conold! And, in that respect, it's fun. If you want biting parody or satire, this ain't it, Buster Brown.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAS OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part IX: A giant scorpion. A joke about an old man losing his ear at the barber's. Four pages...and I love it!

HOW DENTISTS CAN IMPROVE BUSINESS: Very busy article. Lots of stuff going on. The dentist dresses up like a turkey on Thanksgiving Day. He endorses tires. Very late office hours. A live band in the office. Folks don't go to the dentist for a good time. It's for their health. I guess this article is fun. Although, as a kid, I probably wouldn't have liked it. And, I don't like it as a grown-up. Hmmm...

THE CRACKED ENCYCLOPEDIA OF GREAT EXCUSES!: There are three pages of drawings of faces giving excuses and I skipped over Pages 2 and 3 and most of Page 1. Not really my sort of thing. Feels more like a MAD thing to me. I certainly don't spot any laughs in here.

CRACKED LOOKS AT PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCES. OR, WHAT THE TEACHERS REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY:: "Was Joey always this active?", asks the teacher as she points at scribbling on the wall. Which Means: Didn't you ever teach your kids to behave? Not a great idea, not a great article. But, it is only 1 page long so...yeah, it's all right. It took me all of 30 seconds to read and it leads into the lovely...

THE CRACKED WORLD OF VIDEO GAMES: Just some funny strips filled with video game mayhem that I love so much. Where's Blip?! Oh, yes, one guy does play the change machine. Never stops being funny! I wish I could play some of the games in this. "Coast Guard Destroy" "Space Explorers" "Blow-Up" "Zorch Patrol Game" I would have had such an awesome childhood.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: Two pages of those wacky boxes with games around them. You know! "A MILLONEION" is "One in a Million" stuff like that. They're fun but I never, ever get them right.

SORRY! NOT THIS TIME!!!: People basically saying No to terrible things about to happen to them. Pat won't watch the neighbor's bratty kids. Stan won't get underneath the giant piano. Things like that. Some fun art, some obvious jokes.

STAR DREK -- THE LAST HURRAH?: Well, it's just kind of hanging out with the crew as they meet Flash Gordon, Wonder Woman and a bunch of other fictional characters. In the end, the thing feels very similar to a Star Trek parody from a long, long time ago. (#127) All the other shows and movies are pissed at how popular Star Trek perennially is and they try to stop it all by sending the Talking Blob to eat them. If you like Star Trek, you'll like this. Personally, I wasn't thrilled. When does Wrath of Khan come out? In their own non-specific parodies, they have begun to repeat themselves.

THE JAY WALK: Pretty humorous one-pager.

FUTURE AT-HOME MERCHANDISING PARTIES: The Mystery Party, The Pet Party, The Automobile Party, The Convict Rehabilitation Party. A lot of word balloons and a lot of words. But, I'll be honest, the effort required to read everything isn't worth the jokes. Much ado about nada.

CRACKED'S CARTOON SHOWCASE Featuring Bill Maul: Pretty entertaining cartoons. They're so straightforward after the business of the last article...they're charming. I'd like to see more of these.

CRACKED T.V. ADDICT!: "You know you're a TV addict when..." You put down this magazine and go watch TV instead. Well, that's not one of them but you can imagine them...

"...your wife says she's leaving you, and you ask her to wait for the commercial!"
"...your list of emergency telephone numbers only includes TV repairmen!"
"...you own a televisions set for each channel...just so you don't miss anything!"

CRACK UPS! FEATURING SAGEBRUSH: Sagebrush, where have you been? It's been ages. Oh, and he's sharper than ever. Actually, it's OK. Better than the TV Addict bit.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE FOOTBALL OWNER KING: Mr. Rocky Rush is interviewed. He's got something to do with football. I think my verve for this issue has faded. I see Nanny. I see this guy. I see football stuff but it's not registering. Let me transcribe a panel, maybe that will give you the juice:

Nanny and Rocky watch a bunch of football players rushing up a track towards a speeding train.

Mr. Rush: For example, here are our rushing exercises. Tackling dummies were too soft. They didn't simulate the force of 3 or 4 men coming at you, so I developed this training device instead. It really toughens up a player.

Boy, that guy talks a lot. Nanny looks superb, though.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - The Monster!
2 - The Monster!
3 - The Monster!

"This Month: Mad Doctor's Monsters!"

Wow, this is perfect.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: Another "digital clock" joke. Less funny than the poster. I get the feeling that someone just learned that "digital" has two meanings.

Two main features that are nothing but pandering. One that seems very similar to a past article. A lot of short, interstitial bits of uneven quality. Some great art, some not-so-great. It's perfect CRACKED! Read and enjoy!

Next issue: Thank God these guys are back!

CRACKED #183: If only they could have included Gary Coleman in there...

2010-07-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

December 1981
by Pierre L.

Happy Raiders, everyone!

Great cover on this one. Hey! Where's the lame blue box or the half-assed outlines of things that should be completely colored in? This is a full-on funtime cover! It has less detail than a MAD cover but the more you look at it, the better it is. Something about Sylvester & Superman coursing out of the Ark of the Covenant. That's what the Germans saw in there when they opened it...

POSTER: It is Giant. They didn't lie. "The CRACKED Imported Eyechart" "Before buying any foreign car, bicycle, radio, or magazine, you musty pass this eye test. Place a piece of cardboard over right eye, stand 6 feet back, and read each character on the chart." And, the characters are, I believe, Chinese. And, it's a laugh and we had a good time.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Proof reader...On vacation. Three writers on this one: George Gladir, Randy Epley & Mike Ricigliano.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: The contest from 180 has been won!

1st prize: Tom A. Bradley, Newark, Del.
2nd & 3rd prize: David Allard, Billerica, Mass. & D. Andrew Chin, Austin, TX.

I wish they listed all the mistakes that were on that cover.

Next issue - November 3rd

TRAITORS OF THE LOST ARK: This is a fun one, sort of like the Alien parody from back in the day. They replicate bits from the film and then the characters point out how it doesn't make much sense. For example, Toth grabbing the medallion and burning his hand horribly. Then, seconds later, Marion picks it up with a little scarf. That kind of thing. In the end, the Ark contains the script for the next Raiders film. And, it's fun. Good parody to open the issue. I prefer this sort of thing in the movie parodies rather than the straightforward gag-filled things. There's a little more creativity here.

IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS: It's gonna be one of those articles. Traces the day of a very unlucky person...from being unable to sleep to missing the bus to the cafeteria not having the food you want to all sorts of junk...It ends with dreams about the day. Fun, fun illustrations. The gags are pretty standard, though.

JOCK STATE UNIVERSITY BULLETIN: "WEER NUMBUR WUN"! An intro page. Then, two pages with a side layout showing the prospectus for the college. It's all about sports and doing sports things and...I'll be honest, I remember reading it but I don't remember taking much from it. Carry on!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VIII: I love it so much. Three pages of gags and word balloons that make me smile. I do, sincerely, hope that this is not the last one. There are Eskimos. For anyone who was wondering.

NEW MEDICAL MALADIES: Video Finger, Stereo Collideous, Shopper Shock, Rubik's Wrist, et al. Whenever they mention video game stuff, I love 'em. Plus, there are jokes about early walkmans. I got my first walkman around 1987 or so. When I started high school in Quebec...Always, always buy a good set of headphones. That is my advice to you.

Do you suffer from Pudendal Neuritis?

That malady is so 1979...

I think I suffer from Cracked-Sideious
"Disease that can be gotten by anyone anywhere. Caused by excessive, continuous reading of CRACKED. Victim becomes weak from laughter and is unable to stand, sit or drink a glass of water without dribbling it down his chest."

SUPER TYPES IN ORDINARY LIFE: Suburbanman! More side-layout shenanigans from the Boys & girls of Cracked! Incredible Mailman! He's a very good postal employee. Amazing Bartender! "Watch him use his super suction power to empty the glasses of those who've had too much to drink." Superior Trashman...Super Market Checkout Clerk...Terrific Teacher...Fantastic Ump...I think you can probably guess the gags for each of these.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF TELEPHONES: The telephone was patented in 1876. Now, 105 years later, CRACKED is giving it the ZOINK! Well done, boys. When the gags are this good, there's no need to be timely. Yes, Bob Spoonsucker is featured in this three-page article. Oddly enough, there are no jokes about teens using the telephone too much. It's mostly middle-aged men. There's this great gag...A guy keeps getting wrong numbers. They keep asking for Bob. Then, Bob calls and asks if there are any messages for him. Well, if you're going to be a century late on the jokes, why not use a joke that's several decades old.

I think this article is first for CRACKED. I don't believe that anyone was awake when they wrote and illustrated this article. Prove me wrong!

WHAT CHRISTOPHER REEVE (that super man) WILL BE LIKE WHEN HE GETS OLD: Hmm, charming or morbid? I don't know. The older Superman has retired to a condo in Miami Beach. Poopederman Away!

THE CRACKED MOVIE II: It's a musical. It's in Surroundsound. There are little "Tune of 'whatever'" listed underneath the songs. "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "9 t 5" get a workout. And, there are instructions like..."Please blow-up a paperbag and burst it to simulate the sound of the starter's gun." Bob Sproul sends his CRACKED regulars on a race around the globe against the staff of Time Magazine. Who wins? I don't know...But, let's just say that I expect a III in the future.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT AGAIN: People falling off of things. People beating each other up. Kids with Polaroid cameras. Believe it or not! Naw...it's fun stuff. Like The Cracked Lens, but more of a set up for the joke. At two pages, it's harmless.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE T.V. RATINGS KING: People watch some rotten shows and some of those are Nielsin [sic] families. Nanny (looking great) interviews ACDC Nielsin who runs the rating service. And, yep, it's kind of crooked and kind of crazy. And, it all helps keep BJ & the Bear and Sheriff Lobo around for years. There is one Family member who has gone crazy in the knowledge that what he watches keeps things on and off the air. The system is not perfect. But, Nanny might be.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Big Al, the Tire King
2 - A dog named Lillian
3 - A blizzard

Total - Your Fat Mama

GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY: St. Augustine, FL, 7/29/1561
"Ponce De Leon Discovers the Fountain of Youth..."
But, he's become a baby and his co-explorers are just confused by this baby that is surrounded by Ponce's clothes. Of course, if they were all looking for the Fountain of Youth, couldn't they have guessed who this was?

If the Fountain of Youth is in Florida, I give up.

It's not a perfect issue. But, it's a fun issue. A nice closeout for the issues dated 1981. Although, it's not the last one that came out in 1981. If you find it, read it and enjoy.

NEXT ISSUE: He is back...Not the Fonz. Not Mork. Guess.

CRACKED #182: Right before the Start of Season Nine

2009-09-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

November 1981
by Pierre L.

They are back. Is this their...fourth cover or fifth? I forget. It has been some time, though. And, the show goes on...This issue came out around August 11th, 1981. Season Nine would have been starting soon. Boy, that show was on for a while. I wonder what new things they have to parody.

Oh, what about that big blue box behind them? Classy!

INSIDE!

INSIDE FRONT COVER: "Everyone Here Brings Happiness...some by coming in, others by leaving." Have truer words ever been spoken? Not here, Jack.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Dick Shunary - I think he's been our proof reader before. Hey! JR again! I like JR? Hey, he's the man you love to hate! I wonder if people who he's wronged say that. "Well, he blackmailed me with a prostitute and ruined my career and caused me to go insane...I can't help but love the guy."

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: There is a letter from a man in Australia. It is printed upside down. The comedy is all there, stretched out before you. Next issue - September 22nd. I was beginning 3rd grade. The height of my time with CRACKED had begun!

MASHED: (I didn't include the stars. I got Pierre-sized lazy.) Turns out they have nothing more to say. This one kind of stumbles from vague re-heated joke to vague re-heated joke (Col. Blake makes another reappearance) and then ends. The panels are very large, which leads me to believe that "Popular Demand" wanted them back but the writer's were dry. Klinger tries to start another war and we get shots of the Doctors in the Revolutionary War and helping The Three "Moosketeers". It's innocuous and I had to make sure I didn't miss something when I wad done because it's very light. As light as it is, it's not bad. It just doesn't start things with a kick.

DULL VS. EXCITING: You know that this isn't the kick I was looking for. Dull on one side. Exciting on the other. Reading Material - The Autobiography of Morris the Cat DULL! CRACKED EXCITING! It goes like that for three pages. (They still can't find anything exciting about TV, circa 1981. Doctor Who was pretty interesting then. Go British!)

Did I really enjoy articles like this when I was 8-11 or 12? I can't imagine so because I find them so bland now. I would imagine I did this:

Grab the issue of the magazine rack of Wegmans or Bell's.
Buy it with allowance or begging.
Slowly flip through the issue. Looking at everything, smiling.
Read all the bits I'm interested in (MASH, for example).
Then, go back and read all the bits that didn't grab me the first time.
I would wring all 90 cents worth of value out of it.
But, I think these sorts of articles wouldn't have grabbed me.

Maybe I'll note "DULL" or "EXCITING" on the articles from now on as a gauge to whether or not I would have liked it as a child. Good idea.

ONE EVENING IN A POSH MIDWESTERN RESTAURANT: Funny one pager. EXCITING

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VII: EXCITING!, just like your mamma. A good round of the LENS. As readers know, I've always loved this bit. This one doesn't have an all-time favor tie in it but it's good for some yuks.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING SAGEBRUSH: EXCITING! Why not love Sagebrush?

NEW PRODUCTS TO MAKE KIDS FEEL EVEN MORE LIKE ADULTS: DUCITING! I don't think I'd now on this one. There are some amusing bits...The Custody Doll that is given to two girls at once. The Barbie Dream Home that has a mortgage. It's fun stuff and I love the art. But, I don't know if it would have grabbed me a kid. Possibly at three pages I would have breezed through and moved on.

CRACK UPS! FEATURING: THE PSYCHIATRISTS: EXCITING! I always liked the one-panel gags.

THE 15 WARNING SIGNALS OF HYPOCHONDRIA: DULL! Sorry. 15 panels. 15 things. I'm looking at it and can't get my eyes to read anything here. I'm pretty sure, as a kid, this would have sent me to Snooze Town. Hey! That one lady doesn't breath while visiting her sick friend. And someone else does something that I've forgotten but relates to the theme... Oh well.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: EXCITING! GARAGE SALE! I love it. This is a fun bit. Someone is actually working to get this bit done and I applaud them.

THE ZIGGY STARDOPPLE HANDBOOK TO TENNIS: Umm..DULL! It tries. Ziggy is a rotten Tennis Player who somehow gets to write a book. And, although the last part of that sentence describes the modern day world of publishing, I would have just shrugged at this far too busy and not very funny article. It's not quite a CRACKED guide and it's not quite something new and exciting.

YE HANG UPS: EXCITING! Some yuks. That's all I ask for.

HOW MODERN INVENTIONS WOULD HAVE CHANGED HISTORY: I don't know. It's two pages and it's done by that artist who makes things funny. But, it's just a series of short jokes about typewriters and food processors and sewing machines and things like that getting in the way of historical events. Not always in a good way. I think I would have read it and enjoyed it and hoped that the next article wasn't a parody of a rotten sitcom.

ALUCE: Crap. DULL show. EXCITING to read. It's just jokes about Aluce, Smell and Smeara. The food is lousy. Aluce is sassy. Smeara is stupid. Aluce's son shows up and does nothing. A guy condemns the diner. All in a day's work. I don't like the show but I like this parody. I guess that's the point. My God! This show was on for 9 seasons and had 202 episodes! The hell! Who watched this?

THE J.R. GIFT CATALOGUE FOR THE SUPER RICH: EXCITING - now and then but for different reasons. Then, I would have loved the gadgets. An Instant Vaporizer. A Life-Sized Monopoly Game. A huge "Camping Complex" for roughing it. It would have sparked my mind and made me smile. Now - it's JR. It's Dallas. It's awesome. Loved it!

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE GREETING CARD KING: DULL! Yeah, unfortunately. I would have struggled then and I struggle now. I used to love Nanny so much but my verve has faded with time. She chats with a guy named ACE who makes greeting cards. There are funny cards, insulting cards and a card that ships you to your friend. It's OK. I was always disappointed that they ended issues like this. I guess I still am.

SHUT - UPS:
1 - Desert
2 - Fat Lady

EXCITING! Please, of course it is.

IRON-ON (incl. on back cover): Sylvester painting CRACKED on your shirt! I guess this is OK. No real joke. More of a CRACKED ad.

A decent issue. Half DULL, Half EXCITING. I guess that's what we should expect from here on in.

Next issue: That's a lot of pop culture!

CRACKED #181: Check out those robbers! Why aren't they colored in?

2009-09-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

by Pierre L.
October 1981

It's not a bad cover but the whole cheapness of these things is getting to me. Where's the background? Why are the three robbers blue? They are not actually filled in. They're just outlines. It's as if no one filled them in. Was it really that expensive to actual fill in the cover? Isn't the cover the selling point of your issue? Why not put some life into it? "Hey Severin, draw Sylvester locking the Greatest American hero into a phone booth so he can't go after some robbers." "OK." "But, don't do anything with the robbers, just outline them." "Huh?" "Yeah. We may or may not color them. t saves ten bucks." "Why not fill the background in with beautiful colors and...?" "Don't say it." "...well, like MAD." "No!!!!"

POSTER: Inside front cover only. It's pink. A chart that shows "Prices", "Quality", "Jobs" and "Pollution". It works. It's comedy. It's alive.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Amy Stake" is back as the prufe reeder. I see Gary Coleman!

Robert C. Sproul, publisher
Bill Sproul, editor
Marion Sproul, associate editor
Joe Catalano, contributing editor

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - August 11th. In general, folks really enjoy the magazine. Thank Goodness. I'm still a bit iffy on it since we entered the 80's. Maybe it has something to do with a Sproul Overload. "Too Many Sprouls Spoil The Broth."

AMERICA'S GREATEST HERO: This is actually about as fun as the show, which I never quite understood. It seems like, premise-wise, this should be the most fun show ever. Why did it stink so bad? And, why is this parody not up to much? I shrug at it and watch the jokes fly at me. Oh CRACKED, can we break the formula!

THE CRACKED BOOK OF HANDY HINTS: Various things you can do to save cash and make a stash! "If you're out of perfume, but still want to drive your date wild, dab a little cocoa behind your ear." "Want a quick way to remove old, icky, unsightly bumper stickers from your car?" Hit it with a sledgehammer! (There is a fat lady here!) If Junior puts a mark on the wall, hang a painting over it. Even if it's real low! The bit has some smiles and some cool drawings. We picked it up!

STILL MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOT: This bit has become like The CRACKED LENS except with a lot more reading. Sid Melton is in one of the pictures. He played Alf Monroe on GREEN ACRES. It's odd...I think that the CRACKED LENS articles are becoming less funny as this article begins to take over.

Am I becoming cynical over CRACKED? Ghumdrop, talk to me! I miss you.

WHAT WE'LL MISS WHEN THE 80's BECOME THE 'GOOD OLD DAYS': People use laserwave dishwashers and read comic books on microfilm and have fifteen digit zip codes and there are a lot of clones and robots do housework. And, aren't these bits from 1958?

THINGS WE CAN DO WITHOUT: Well...
"Being Unable to Examine Something Before Buying It"
"Someone tall sitting in front of you at a movie theatre"
"Parents Making Excuses"
"Always being the one singled out in class"
"Always getting unfair treatment"
"Always being chosen last"

They're right. Let's do without them!

THE JR FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM: I love Dallas. I read this bit, which is mostly about JR being very rich. Makes we want to watch this show. At this moment, Season 11 is out on DVD. Where the hell is Season 12? What about that Season 11 cliffhanger? I won't ruin it but...JR is a jerk...again.

CRACKED WORD PLAY: The first time this has appeared. Two pages of fun word games. The first one? "VISION/VISION" = Double Vision. "ENDSENDS" = Making ends meet. I enjoy these bits although I think the solutions are always a little too close to the puzzles. I always tend to pick ahead.

THE FACTORS OF LIFE: Lots of Gary Coleman appearances. This is like the first appearance of Laverne & Shirley back in #135. The Fonz keeps appearing to boost the parody. Here, Gary Coleman keeps appearing. The Art is awesome in this one but the jokes are kind of "Ahhh". Not so great but it's a more fun read than The Greatest American Hero bit at the beginning. At 7 pages, however, this might go on too long.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!) Part VI: Three pages. Some laughs. I am worried that this bit might be running out of steam. I think they replaced the original writer.

THE CRACKED GUIDE TO GOLF: Captions that get punned out by the drawings. "First, you'll need some clubs". We see a guy and his singing and rug collector's club. No... "Ah, let's put it another way. You'll need a set of irons." There is a man with a handful of steam irons. Can you guess what "a bag to hold your clubs?" involves. (See below) In fact, the constant punning on terminology wears me out by the end of Page Three.

JOBS YOU NEVER DREAMED SOMEONE DOES: "Door Knob Designer" "Baseball Seam Stitcher" "Dice Spot Painter" "Manhole Cover Designer". Two pages of quick "yuks yuks" and roll on.

IN THE ELECTRONIC GAME ROOM: A very funny video arcade related one-pager. Good joke.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE VIDEO KING: A guy who records everything. He doesn't care what it is; he tapes it. And, he has a big wife that dresses exactly like Nanny. it's a little odd. Nanny sort of strolls through this one and asks questions and the guy tapes a lot of things and we move on...

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Arrest!
2 - Bus!
3 - Slide!

ABS! Thank you, Cracked!

INSIDE BACK COVER: Your "Money Making" Iron-On!
"IITYWYGMAQ"
Do you know what that means? And, if you do, can you tell me why it's funny? There's possibly too much explanation needed to make this fun.

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Entertainment - Bingo invented and made popular by the emperor Ceasarus Saladus. It involves hanging slaves from a giant bingo board. I imagine that will get crowded as we go.

Ahhh...the magazine is going kind of bland on me. God, I wish we'd pick it up!

Next issue: Look who has returned.

*GOLF: There's a picture of an ugly, fat lady holding the clubs

CRCAKED #180: Wow! It's been a while since we had a cover like this

2009-08-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

by Pierre L.
September 1981

No Pop culture stuff here! It's a "Win the 'Mistakes on this Cover' Contest!" It's a somewhat Old Western-type street with mistakes galore! I spot 1...2...3...4! 4 mistakes! Give me my wonderful prizes, please. The prizes are listed on the back (along with the rest of the painting) but they're also listed inside so we'll touch on them then. Hey! There's a background to this painting! Oh my... A Whole New World...

Let's step in...

The poster this month is THE CRACKED PUBLIC SERVICE EYE TEST. It involves saying words like "asparagus" really loud and looking around to see if people heard you. If they heard you and you see them hearing you, then your eyesight is awesome. No...yellow... background...here. Must be the special cover.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Lucus Over, prf rdr" "See Page 19 for contest details!" Feel free to jump ahead to Page 19.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 7th. Someone does mention the little Saboteur guys who were popping up all over the last issue. You know, I have to focus really hard to see them, most of the time. They do a decent job (at least, now they do) of blending them in with the surroundings.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRUNKEN WOMAN: A parody of The Incredibly Shrinking Woman with Lily Tomlin. A movie that was already a comedy so this parody is kind of a bit of a shrug. It's not really that funny and it made me think "I wonder if that movie still holds up?" They do include the ape that she pals around with, so that's a plus. At 7 pages though, I got to give this one a "Thumbs in the middle". It breezes by and I remember reading it as a kid and liking it but now...Ahhh...Let's hop to the next one.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF PETS: A series of several panel comics detailing problems with dogs, turtles and carnivorous fish. I actually really like the art in this one even if the jokes aren't up to much. Some of the reactions of the people (like in the "give away the dog" bit) save them. Not bad. A bit like this can't jumpstart a slow issue but we're holding steady.

WHEN HOLLYWOOD TOTALLY TAKES OVER WASHINGTON: Ronald Reagan hiring Sinatra as a Senator.The national bird has been changed to Tweety. It's more or less what you'd expect. Carter brought in a lot of peanuts. Reagan brings in the Hollywood Glitz. The last panel, however...Ted Kennedy preparing to star in a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Godspeed, Ted. I would have loved to have seen that movie.

PAGE 19: The Contest!

First Prize - Your own personal Video Recorder (Tape MASH! All the time!)
Second prize - Popular Atari Video Games (The fabulous game that you play on your own television!) I don't think it's the system. I think it's just some games.
4th to 25th Prize - One year subscription to CRACKED!

Should be fun. Good luck.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE UNPOPULAR IF...: Two pages about a lot of people allowing you to get hurt because you're unpopular. Enjoy!

CRACKED WAYS OF CONSERVING WATER: Have they done a bit similar to this already? Don't waste water! Shower on Monday but rinse off on Wednesday. Eat all three meals at the same time. Let your dog lick the dishes clean. Make coffee with cream soda. Paint your lawn green. There you go...Several water saving tips from CRACKED. They're amusing but not actually that crazy. Just a little "goof-goof-goofy."

A CRACKED LOOK AT THE WORLD'S WORST 'KNOCK KNOCK' JOKES: Oh dear. Two pages of clutter and bad jokes. I'll just hit you with the intro and the closer. Intro: "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "The delivery boy." "The delivery boy who?" "The delivery boy who's here to deliver the additional cold cuts you ordered for this inane Knock Knock party. Now, let me in." The whole shebang ends with: "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Nobody." "Well, I guess that puts an end to that." And, yes, the Frankenstein Monster is peering in on the top right. Either through a window, a hole in the wall or reflected in a mirror or it's his image in a painting or photo. I can't tell.

CRACKED'S SEQUELS TO CLASSIC MOVIES: A King Kong Sequel where they take him to the hospital. (King Kong Lives). A Wizard of Oz sequel where they take Dorothy to an asylum. (Return to Oz). Those are two quite good ones. There's a Gone With The Wind sequel that could be like Scarlett but I've never read or seen it. And, there's an Airplane! sequel, which is startlingly unfunny. Airplane! is very close in style to CRACKED so you'd think they'd get a joke out of it that's funny...No. No, they don't.

CRACKED'S UNUSUAL GIFT CATALOG PART II: Want a pair of "Ice-o-Metric Pants"? Well, here's your spot. Captain Kangaroo is hawking the new "Repel Wreath" to keep Vampires at bay. Not hot young vampires, I hope? There is a funny one here...A nun with a huge habit on is advertising the "Umbrella Hat". "Adjustable chin strap keeps hat secure even while sleeping!" It's two pages and it's fine.

THE CRACKED WORLD OF MOVING: Another one of these in the same issue. Are we becoming MAD? Four pages of these things with decent drawings and stale, stale jokes. I'm going to leap ahead.

PRESS MISTAKES!: These are OK. "Come in for free alterations on our drastically slashed suits!" A guy is getting fitted in a slashed suit. "Man arrested after being spotted by local artist." You can guess that one. Honestly? That Newspaper headline one from so long ago is much funnier. This is two pages and a breeze but nothing great.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!" Part V: Funny? Yes. But, not quite as funny as usual. I don't know why.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE COMEDY KING: Henny Hope Carson cracks us up! Nanny and her nephew Dickie head over to his apartment. He has a wacky wife and some wacky kids. You'd think this would be funnier...Am I all out of humor? I don't know. Nanny looks great and the wife has a humorous moment or two but it's not enough. Sorry.

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Prison
2 - Clock
3 - Ship In A Bottle

Total - I [Heart] New York

Well...it's not a bad issue. It's just not funny. It has bursts of HUZZAH! but most of it is terminally bland. I hope we can pick it up soon. What's next?

Next issue: Oh, that's next.

CRACKED #179: Popeye? Don't you mean 'Poopeye'?

2009-08-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

By Pierre L.
August 1981

The painting itself is fun. But, the cover is so cluttered. The UPC code and arrow in the bottom left-hand corner. The big yellow "INSULT TRADING CARDS" box, The "*Haven't read CRACKED yet!" thing. I kind of wish they would have filled in the background of the painting rather than piling junk on top of it. But, regardless...fun!

POSTER: Big, white UPC code. It's fun! I think. UPC codes have been around for ages now. I'm not sure why they're just bringing it up now. MAD did a UPC joke that was funnier back in April 1978. So, CRACKED is a bit behind here.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Amy Stake, again as proofreader.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: June 2nd - Next Issue MUNDOLOCO is CRACKED in Puerto Rico. You can play the "Can You Guess Which Cracked Magazine Are Free?" Game. $9 gets you 12 issues - two of them are free. Which ones? Anyone with Barney Miller on the cover, possibly.

THE DORKS OF HAZZARDOUS: They're by themselves here and it's fun. Bossy Hog and Sheriff Soultrain try to get the deed to the Duke's land because there's oil on it. There are car chases, Bossy Hog dresses up as a woman, Uncle Fussy wears Dizzy's short shorts and Dizzy gets a shower scene with two very large "CENSORED" strips. It's as dumb as the show but shorter. Actually, in the end, I prefer my Colorforms version of the Dukes. I would place it next to my Garfield and KISS colorforms and that...my friends...was an exciting world!

CRACKED'S UNUSUAL GIFT CATALOG: Big beards, glasses with one lens blackened, a steam harp and, my favorite, a toupee holder. Random photos have long text next to them describing the magical items. Example: "CRACKED'S Toupee Holder keeps toupee flat and intact all day long, no matter how active you are! Never again face the humiliation of losing your scalp while tying your shoes! -Comes in 3 attractive colors. - Head straps adjust to fit any head." Pretty fun bit.

HOW TO MAKE BASEBALL MORE INTERESTING: Some very funny bits in here but it's all so crowded. Text is piled on drawings, next to text, near drawings. It's all a bit too much and, although it stays funny until the end, I find myself looking around the room a lot. I like the new obstacles for outfielders section. There's a pit they can fall in. Arms shoot out of the back wall and try to stop him from moving. And, a scary jack-in-the-box head leaps up to scare the fellow. Other things? Steal the baseman with the base. Spin a numbered wheel to see how many balls and strikes you get. And, add a lot more runners to the bases. Good bit.

IT ISN'T AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS:
"The low pressure system from the south will combine with the high from the west creating nimbostratus accumulation..."
"TRANSLATION: It's going tor rain!"

"Looks like panicum sanguinale to me."
"TRANSLATION: Your lawn is full of crabgrass!"

Two pages of that. It's brief and a breeze. Not particularly funny but a breeze.

THE GROWING GARBAGE PROBLEM AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT: I think they did a similar bit like this some time ago but I'm not quite sure. All right, this article rocks. Why? "Fonzie Cut Outs" Love it! One of the ways to cut down in garbage is to send all old fads and burnt out pop culture to Third World countries. And, yes, there is a little girl sitting in the desert reading "Fonzie Cut Outs". It's awesome. So... The first two pages are about how garbage is swallowing us alive. The last two pages are about how to cut down on garbage. Apart from what I just mentioned, they suggest TV dinners where the packaging is edible. (I think that's nabbed from a Bob & Ray bit.) Print newspapers on cloth. When you're done reading, wash them and give them back to the paperboy. In the end, you have to make garbage valuable. That's the only way to make it palatable. God, I love the "Fonzie Cut Outs".

INSTANT EPITAPHS: This is the middle of the issue two-pager and it's OK. Headstones with very appropriate epitaphs. What makes this very interesting are the...

CRACKED INSULT CARDS: Perforated cards that are included within the center pages. And, they're great. They really rip you up. Possibly, because you suck? "If your face is your fortune, you must be broke!" "I'm conducting a survey. Please reply to the following statement by checking the appropriate box. 'I feel the person that handed me this card is the greatest.' Be Honest!" And, there are two boxes. Both marked "Yes" "I'd like to help you out. The door's over there!" Loved it!

POOPEYE: I remember this one from when I was a kid. (The parody, I mean.) And, it really took the movie down a peg. I didn't enjoy it when I was young. And so, CRACKED! Haul off and take it down! I'm grown up now. A year ago, I watched Popeye on DVD and it's pretty great. The songs are fine. The acting is wonderful. And, the design of the town is astounding. It's a fun movie. Not Altman's best but damn fine. So, now, this parody makes me sleepy. Sorry. I agreed with it once but now I think it's just lazy. Sorry. Move on, Elvis!

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really, mean it this time, for sure!) Part IV: Come on and laugh with me! This has two of my favorites. An old couple sits at a table. The lady says "Yes, both John and I use your product--but personally, I think it stinks!" And, a guy sits in a bathtub fully clothes with about 10 guys standing around him. He yells, "Will you guys get outta here and let me take my back?!"

HOW TO READ THOSE TRAVEL ADS: Basically, we see an ad for a vacation spot and a little caption on the bottom detailing what really happens. And, can I be honest, everything sucks. Polluted seas and food poisoning are only two of the bits of wonder here. It's two pages and it's OK.

CRACKED'S PERSONALITY PROFILE COMPARISONS: On the left is the perceived audience for something. On the right is the actual audience. Better Homes & Gardens isn't read by high society dames. It's read by lower class broads. Dallas isn't watched by regular folks. The Ayatollah watches to learn from JR. Time isn't read by high class businessmen but by bums picking it from the trash. Three pages. No waiting!

DANGEROUS BARROOM ENCOUNTERS: I've read it but for some reason it passes over me without feeling. I should really read the opening blurb...Read. It's take-off on the mechanical bull thing in bars. Stuff to add to bars to get a thrill. One is "Drinking Water at a Mexican Resort. They have a water cooler filled with Mexican water. You pay two bucks to be a "Macho Man' and drink. Then, you simulate winters in Buffalo by standing in a freezer.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE INSURANCE KING: Sy Pringle sells insurance for everything! And, Nanny gets him on it...but she buys insurance in the end...Nanny? What's going on? Oh, I am disillusioned! She fell for the chicanery...hard! Why, Nanny, why? Let's go on to the Shut-Ups.

SHUT-UPS
1 - Bite
2 - My
3 - Crank

Shut Up, would you please?

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Technology - Ooga Booga Almost Invents Fire. But, he doesn't. Presumably, his family dies.

A decent issue. Not mind-blowing but a standard sort of CRACKED uneven thing that's definitely worth your time and money. Why not?

Oh, and this issue features the last name "Horsenagel" in two articles? Why?

Oh, and this issue has the little "Saboteur" guys all over the place. All mixed in amongst the panels causing trouble. They will expand their business soon.

Next issue: Horsenagel!

CRCAKED #178: For real this time!

2009-08-24T08:51:00.001-07:00

by Pierre L.
July 1981

Let's please try to get this back on track. Please.

There's the cover, huge and proud. Isn't it something? I think it's the fourth or fifth time Mr. Coleman has been featured and every time is a joy. I am a bit disappointed in the background...again. Have a look at it. There's Arnold, Sylvester, Willis & Mr. Drummond. There's the rope and the cookie jar...But, look at everything else. The doorway, the counter, the shelf, the mug. They all look vaguely sketched in. Was this cover not finished? Where, in fact, is the rest of the picture? Isn't this kind of ridiculous?

Was Ghumdrop right about the quality of CRACKED?

No! Let's go in!

POSTER: CRACKED Automatic Digital Weather Forecaster - There's a big blue box in the middle. If it's wet, it's raining. If it is moving, it's windy. If it's white, snow. Well, they're not proving much here. I had always thought that this was the Polish Weather Station?

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Willy Erralot - pruffff rdrer" C'mon Mad! You got somethin' like that!?

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Charming, erudite and oh so witty. "Are any of your writers ambidextrous? No, they are mostly Protestant, Jewish & Catholic. Hey HEY! They zinged 'em pretty hot on that one! You see, ambidextrous isn't a religious thing but the editor acted like it was and so we all ended up with gag all over our shoes! "Next issue - April 21st"

DIFF'RENT STROKES: CRACKED is so good...they don't need to fiddle with the title! Mr. Drummond drops his wallet out the window. Conold misinterprets Mr. Drummond saying he's lost all his money as "Dad is out of money!" So, all the kids band together to help him out. Babysitting, dish washing and pinching Conold's cheeks pull in $64.50. Not bad! But, in the end, Conold's gets his ass walloped with a book. And, Mr. D asks why they have the golf clubs out. "[To] practice diff'rent strokes, of course!" Take that, MAD!

MORE BELIEVE IT OR NOT: Is this becoming a regular bit like the CRACKED LENS? It is pretty amusing. My favorite: Two Arabs with coins. One is biting down on the coin. "In Syria during the fourth century AD, Syrians barely had enough money to eat (but they ate it anyway). Another one? A guy on the ground in the middle of the street. He's from a city that is so strict on jaywalking that residents sneak across the street in the middle of the night for excitement. Nice!

WHY IS IT THAT: Certainly, the drawings are funny. But, the observations are "Stand Up Comedian Day Olds". "Why is it that waitresses always ask how the meal was when your mouth is still full?" "Why is it that new and improved always works the same as before, but costs twice the price?" We're going to call a draw here. This bit was never funny in CRACKED or MAD. Move on, Elvis!

THE CRACKED WORLD OF STAYING SHAPE: MAD, unfortunately, does this one better. Their bits are always filled with hippies and women's libbers. This bit...nothing. The article is a series of random strips of varying lengths all about staying in shape. Hey! Sometimes when folks workout and such they get achy or get hurt! God, I miss that guy from MAD with the glasses and the pipe who always stars in these. You know who I mean? Davis Merkle? Isn't that his name? Oh wait, there is a fat lady in this... Does that qualify it as "Whack-ass" funny? Hmmm...

CRACKED'S LOOK AT SUPERSTITIONS: 13, black cat, umbrellas indoors. CRACKED takes them all and rubs them and rubs them until comedy sprouts! Yes, this is good. The drawings are funny. The jokes about superstitions are hilarious. In fact, they're so hilarious that I'm not going to tell you any of them for fear of comedy rupture! Take that, MAD! Bring on the yuks 'cause we got big-time HA HA! 's happening here!

HOW YOU PICTURE A BUSINESS OPERATES & HOW IT REALLY DOES: At a TV repair shop, trained technicians don't actually fix your stuff. Some guys kick your TV! A stock broker doesn't choose wisely. He closes his eyes and zoink! Stuff like that. We learn and we love. It's all thanks to CRACKED.

CRACKED VISITS A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE SET: It's possible to enjoy the drawing of a large movie set but it's impossible to enjoy the jokes, which all stink. If MAD did this bit, it would stink there, too. Let's go to the second half and confront the comedy.

THE CRACKED MOVIE: Well, there was an actual MAD movie - Up The Academy. Rent the DVD and give it a try. It's surprisingly not-that-good-at-all. The script is about as generic as you can imagine. Maybe they should have hired some National Lampoon writers instead of the two guys who were going to write Top Gun? What do I know? Anyway...Mr. Sproul calls his regulars, Sagebrush, Sylvester, the Talking Blob and the Hang-Up guys to his office. Nanny's been kidnapped! So, they hunt her down through various and assorted fun-fun-funny bits...In the end, the kidnapper? Alfred E. Neuman! He's trying to sabotage their movie so it bombs like Up the Academy did! Well, it doesn't work. Mainly because this isn't a movie. It's an article in a magazine, which no one but me remembers. At least, Up The Academy is on DVD, letterboxed. Oh, CRACKED! This is becoming tragic.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really mean it this time, for sure!" PART III: Ahh...relief. I don't know if MAD had a bit like this and, frankly, please don't tell me if they did. 3 pages of soothing balm. A little break before we return to the reality.

OTHER "NO FRILLS" ITEMS & SERVICES: A No-Frills Doctor lines everyone up with a big multi-thing stethoscope and checks everyone's heart at once. A No-Frills Pet Stores just keeps dogs in barrels. What are they? Who knows? The No-Frills Paperback Book is just a pile of pages. Same with the No-Frills Magazine (that magazine is CRACKED). Well, CRACKED certainly has a "no-frills" policy on its covers. This bit is amusing but not too stimulating.

LITTLE KNOWN BABY PICTURES: Thank Christ for the Fonz! They take baby pictures and put celebrities faces on them. Steve Martin says "Oops, well excuse me!" And, the Fonz talks about how cool the monkeybars are." The Beatles are there and so is Stallone. It's a bit of a disconcerting article but it brought a smile to my face.

Uh oh, I think I'm trying to coast fast to the end. I need to slow down and review and adore and show the CRACKED-haters where they can stick it. C'mon CRACKED! Prove me right!

IF NEWSPAPERS EMPHASIZED GOOD NEWS: A shot at satire and it's pretty amusing. "Chemical Dumping found to be very helpful" No more crabgrass! Of course, there's also no life at all but... Kind of a sad bit but then I guess the best satire is usually pretty sad at its heart. "Boston Firm Allows Employees to bring children to Work" Child labor. -- Well, some of it is kind of sad. "Hometown Girl Makes it Big in Hollywood" That's about a fat lady that celebrities use to empty out their pools at the end of the season. (She jumps in the pool.) That one's just odd because you can swim in a pool all year round in Hollywood...The joke doesn't work if you understand the weather. Satire and silliness...CRACKED's real strengths. Overlong articles & lazy jokes...Their big weakness.

CRACKED INTERVIEW THE VACATION KING: Pretty amusing bit. The guy isn't actually ripping anyone off. He sells budget vacations. You want to go skiing in the Alps. Some folks go to your living room and rig it up like a fake mountain. You want to tour Tokyo. You sit on a fake bus as slides are shown and folks walk by with building mock-ups, like parade floats. You want to go away for a while. Your house becomes your hotel. They even guarantee a day of rain in there. Actually, not a bad idea. If you can't get away for a vacation, why not try this?

SHUT-UPS
1 - Fat
2 - Fat
3 - Meat Loaf

There's wisdom in there somewhere.

BACK COVER: A monk invents the copy machine...and it's wacky!

Well, maybe MAD is better. Maybe that's the point. MAD is sharper and funnier. But, CRACKED is for a younger crowd. It's for a kid to grab and enjoy and get a few smiles from. It's a place where they can visit old friends from TV and movies when they aren't readily watchable. It's a place where they can learn some of the old jokes that their grandparents enjoyed. It's a place...At its best, I love the place where CRACKED is. So there...

Ghumdrop, bring on the stink!

Next issue: CRACKED or MAD? I don't know.

Congratulations, CRACKED! You are sooo Original!

2009-08-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

What in the name of Hell?

2009-08-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

Pierre L. here...

I'm sorry about that last post everyone. I've tried to contact Ghumdrop but his phone is no longer working. And...I can't delete that post! Could someone please help me? I don't know what he did! He said he'd be back. What does that mean? I don't want a MAD review up here. Now, I have to review that issue of CRACKED myself.

Ghumdrop!! You have betrayed me!!

CRACKED #178: Our Brand New Cookie Man! - Guest Review!

2009-08-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

July 1973
Re-imagined by Ghumdrop Vincent Burlington III

Neuman is The One True Man! Look at this cover. Rub it on your congested area and feel the mentholated fumes! This is comedy! This is the Glory! This is MAD...I love it so. And, hey DA!, is that Cannon on the television there? Hey, Cannon!

Will you go in with me, my sweet friends?

INSIDE FRONT COVER: MAD SPECIAL NUMBER TEN I've got three words for you...Blort! Dawk! and Glork! Bite it all others! Don Martin should be canonized by the Roman Catholic Church. St. Don Martin. "Down with relevance! Spread the irrelevant word...with...DON MARTIN NONSENSE STICKERS. I do not yet own MAD Special Number Ten. You just hold on, you ugly SOB!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Tears are the hydraulic force through which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power!" - Alfred E. Neuman So true. What do you think would happen if I changed my name to Ghumdrop Vincent Neuman the First?

LETTERS DEPT.: Woah! Hey! "Just the other day I was sayin' to my wife: Those guys at MAD sure get away with murder! Peter Falk as 'Columbo' Hollywood, Calif." We love Falk. Have you ever watched Columbo? You should. (Pierre hates it. He loves Barnaby Jones. What do I have to say? F, Barnaby Jones!) Look at all the MAD Paperback books for sale! They are cooking them out.

The Bedside MAD
Son of MAD
The Organization MAD
Like MAD
The Ides of MAD
Fighting MAD
The MAD Frontier
MAD in Orbit
The Voodoo MAD

And so many more. And CRAZY thought it was popular. Ha!

TELL-TALE COMIC STRIP BALLOONS: I'm warm here. Very warm. Why? Because Don Edwing and Bob Clarke have brought it around to me... A series of comic strip panels with word balloons that shank up the comedy! Por Ejemplo: Andy Capp says to his pal "You can count on me to be there if you ever need me Ol' Pal!" But, the word balloon is a large knife jabbing into his pal's back. Peanuts: Charlie Brown on stage saying "...which reminds me of another funny story." And, the words are in a bomb! And, the best...Veronica saying to Archie "Archie, I have to talk to you..." Her words are in a stork with a baby in its beak.

Oh...the love and goodness of this opening!

CANNONBALL: It's Cannon! And he's fat and he's always eating. A lady arrives at Cannonball's office saying her husband was murdered and she's under suspicion! So, Cannonball goes after whoever really did it. And, it involves a lot of eating! As always, I will not go deep into it because the comedy must be swum through and absorbed into your nether spots. The simple words I would say to you would not give you an iota of the comedy that Dick De Bartolo is rubbing right into it. God, drop everything and enjoy this! Aren't you a good person? Do you suck?

DISTINCTIVE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS: The list...
From a Liberated Woman
From a Liberated Man
From Loyal Parents
From Proud Parents
From Happy Parents
From Distressed Parents (Announcing a Nude Wedding!)
From Very Distressed Parents (Announcing a Commune Hippie Wedding!)
From Totally Distressed Parents (Charles is marrying Herman!)
From A Future Bride
From a Mafia Chief
From a Delighted Couple
From a Gossip Columnist
From a British Columnist
From a British Nobleman
From a Pro Football Team Owner
From An Espionage Agent
From a Film Star
From a Discount Store Owner

Ahhh, I love these articles so much. The text, the grey pages, the laughs and the loves. Sweet.

ONE DAY IN THE NORTH WOODS: Don Martin! One page with a HA HA! at the end. He never disappoints.

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LEISURE TIME: Dave Berg is everything good and nice in MAD. He teaches me so much about the way we spend out Leisure Time. For examples: Two ladies talking. 1ST: It says here that never before in history has there been a civilization with more leisure time, and the means to enjoy it! 2ND: Is that what it says? Let me see...on Monday, I have my Painting Class! Tuesday is my Mah Jongg game! Wednesday is golf! Thursday is P.T.A. Meeting! Friday is theater night...and on the week-ends, we're at the house on Candlewood Lake...WITH ALL THAT TO DO...WHO'S GOT TIME FOR LEISURE?!" Does that sum it up for you? Yes, there are hippies and Women Libbers so everyone is covered.

A MAD LOOK AT SHEET MUSIC: "Almost Like Being In Love" With Jackie O. and Aristotle Onasis on the cover. "The Best Things In Life Are Free" showing people looting a store. "The Sidewalks of New York" show a dog dumping a fat load. "What's It All About, Alfie?" is our man...sweet Alfred. I love and laugh at this again and again.

SPY VS. SPY: Comedy vs. non-Comedy! Comedy wins!

MAD'S CORPORATE ECOLOGIST OF THE YEAR: Arthur Godly interviews Mr. Gregory Garble about what corporations are doing for the environment and to stop pollution. Actually, if I may be Frank rather than Ghumdrop, he doesn't seem to be doing very much. There's a garbage and smog and mess everywhere. In fact, they're doing more to sell pollution. God, I love pollution! I smell like crap!

A HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK THAT TELLS IT LIKE IT REALLY IS: Rolling Stones High School - 1973 'Roller Yearbook The Principal is there through graft. The most Popular Teacher has apparently had sex with a lot of the students. They play sports, they do this...or even that. This looks a lot like my high school year book. I liked it so much it made me feel like a man...a man who remembered things about a high school year book! Feel free to own and enjoy the magical good time...God, I'm so drunk right now.

You guys want to go out maybe, after the review?

A MAD LOOK AT WEDDINGS: Sergio is petty cynical about marriage. From the Jewish wedding where the groom crushes the wine glass and has to get medical treatment to the people who care more about the buffet than the wedding, he squeezes it and I receive the fruits!

ONE DAY WITH A WISHBONE: A lot of people dying in Don Martin's work today. And I say, good riddance! Kill 'em all! Thank you, Don.

GOING THY WAY/ GOING WAY OUT: Old-style religious film with Bing Crosby. New-style religious film with Donald Sutherland as a hippie-esque priest. Oh MAD, you make my heart weep when you take on the Hollywood establishment like this! Take me on next! Please!

MAD FOLD-IN: Which of Nature's Ravages Continue to Defy Modern Technology? You've been Jaffee'd!? Great stuff.

BACK COVER: "Keep America Beautiful" Oh no, someone put graffiti all over Mount Rushmore!

What an issue! What a wonderful magazine! My sides have split from the hilarity. Sometimes I wish this was CRACKED because

CRACKED Blows Hard!

Pierre L Sucks! I'm outta here. Read a better magazine, you nerds!

GVB3

CRACKED #177: This one works with the white void! Nicely Done!

2009-08-15T11:28:00.001-07:00

May 1981
(How the heck did we get to May 1981 already? We stop at July 1985...Can we only have four years left?)
by Pierre L.

A great cover. And, like I said, a perfect use of the white void. This is not some location that we all know and love. It is the spot in the Comedy (Komedy? Khomedy?) World where MAD and CRACKED intersect. And, the cover is wonderfully rich for being in this space. The gray spot where the "A" was. Alfred E. Nueman walking towards the M-D sheet on the easel. Sylvester changing. I don't think MAD would have ever done this, mainly because they wouldn't have needed to, but it's cool that CRACKED did. I wonder what the MAD sales figures were like at this time? I guess I get a 1981 issue and look for one of those "Statement of Sales" things in the letters page. And, a "Free Hypnotism Poster" Holy Sh*t, you crazy SOB! This is awesome.

POSTER: Yellow is the official "Hypnotism" color! "Stare at this Spot for 3 minutes...Congratulations, you have just hypnotized this poster!!" I just got Zonked...by Sproul and Company!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "6...40...19...36...35...26...29...11...43...22...20...32" That's the order things are listed at here. It's fun! "Luke N. Cee, prfffuredeer" "Sorry Sylvester! It's all a BIG mistake!! We'll never take away your CRACKED Magazine again! Now just relax and calm down. Don't get MAD...at anyone!"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Someone mentions CRACKED GIANT #27. Gosh, I wish I had CRACKED GIANT #27...hint, hint. This one has letters from Nicholas Coiro, Allen Rosenfeld, Foster Barnes and the Katie Albright. Next issue - March 10th.

THE INCREDIBLE HUNK: Starring Mr. Divit Danner...Physician, Scientist & Hockey Player. A bit of an odd satire, this one. Divit doesn't become a big hulking guy. He becomes whatever is needed for the scene. In a smoky room, he becomes a fire extinguisher. An exterminator bothers him so becomes a giant rat. He becomes a magnet and pulls in some robbers dressed in knight's armor. When some nosy folks show up, he becomes a giant... It's certainly amusing and it's fun to see what he will turn into next. But, I didn't get the point of this. I felt like I was missing something the whole time I read it. Then, I thought about the way CRACKED writes some of these things and I realized...I didn't miss something. They did. What? I don't quite know. Regardless, it's a fun read.

MEMORABLE MOMENTS FROM PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY: It's a series of figurines of presidents. The best one? "Millard Fillmore 3 weeks after his inauguration trying to gain public support." Millard is holding a sign saying "No kidding! I really am your president! Teddy Roosevelt is being chased by a rhino. Jimmy Carter is shoving a yam in Billy's mouth. Abe Lincoln standing with the car named after him. Dick Nixon enjoying some "special" tapes. If you know what we mean... And, Gerald Ford falling down some steps. Pretty funny bit. I don't know if they're still available but the address to send cash to is "Leonard Limestone, Box of Cereal, Say Cheese, Wisconsin 00000" That may not be a real address.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really mean it this time, for sure!" Part II: What can I say? Four pages of yuks. Always good, no difference here. Please, read and enjoy. The dancers in the locker room are really funny. The guys in the Police line-up bring geniality to my face. Actually, they're pretty much all great. If I ever decide to review a CRACKED LENS special edition, ignore it. It'll be dull.

DUMB QUESTIONS THAT DON'T DESERVE AN ANSWER: One pager, Pretty funny but rather familiar looking...Hmmm...Have I seen this one before? This almost feels like something that could have been on the back of an issue. I particularly enjoy the two old guys looking at the theater marquee. "Which one do you want to see, Larry?" Their choices? "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm" and "10". Nice.

NEVER RENT THE APARTMENT IF...: Obvious but humorous. "...the bathtub drain doubles as the ninth hole for a nearby miniature golf course!" "...the only direction the elevator runs is 'down'!" "...you need a dime to use our bathroom!" Two pages and run!

HOW TO INTERPRET ALL THOSE PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL ADS: Example: The first ad is for the "Vidal Sassoon Beauty Parlor Training School"* "We've been in the same spot for over 50 years." We see a man and a woman. MAN: Of course for 49 of those years we were a butcher shop." WOMAN: "Why'd you close the store?" 'We were caught short-weighing the meat and selling fat as filet mingon." Ad reads: "This is a rigorous course and not everyone is accepted..." MAN: You have the $6000 tuition?" ANOTHER MAN: No. MAN: Sorry, we can't accept you." Ad: "...in fact, a grueling entrance exam is given on your first day." MAN: Do you know how to open a door and walk in? WOMAN: Yes. MAN: Terrific. You just passed the entrance exam." Ad: But, once you're in you'll really look up to your instructors." WOMAN: That's because they're all 7' 2". Ad: "Need more details? Write for a free no obligation brochure." A WOMAN is in bed on the phone. PHONE: Yesterday, you sent for a free not-affiliated with Vidal Sassoon Beauty School brochure and we want to know when you'll be starting?" WOMAN: It's 4 in the morning and this is the 9th time you've called. I told you, I don't want to enroll. Now, please leave me alone."

Pretty good bit. Very detailed for CRACKED.

*That's the "Not-affiliated-at-all" with Vidal Sassoon Beauty Parlor Training School.

IF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS WERE PLAYED THE SAME WAY AS WHEN WE WERE KIDS: Funny bit. Football with a car driving over the field and everyone stopping play to let it pass. Two boxers being broken up by a schoolteacher. A hockey game breaking up because a guy got called home for dinner. A little smarter than the average CRACKED bit.

HOW TO GET A JOB: Possibly a little too cluttered. It has detailed ways to fill out your resume. Different ways to lie about "Previous Experience". Did you mow baseball diamonds? "I was a diamond cutter!" "I owned my own business!" If that was a lemonade stand... One of the jobs is a "line-place-saver" at the movies. They've done that one a lot, haven't they? The first page of this is too loaded and the other two kind of fade a bit. I guess this article is just OK. Nothing spectacular but worth a smile.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT: Some funny (or phunny) photos and captions...The best? A group of kids in a lot holding their arms at their chests and staring down. "To determine he average rate of growth of East Pakistan children, 50 students have been standing still for the last 5 years while careful measurements are taken daily. BELIEVE IT OR NOT" A charming three pages.

YE HANG-UPS: Four one-panel gags. The best is the new guy saying "I can hardly wait to see how I look in a beard."

HOW TO MEET THE OPPOSITE SEX: Well, this one's a little too much, too. Five steps: "Attire", "Locating the Opposite Sex", "Opening Lines", "The First Date" and "If All Else Fails!" Some pretty funny moments but a little too much reading for too little return. Sorry. I think there are a few too many text-heavy bits here. I'm getting sleepy.

THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT DO GO RIGHT: Three pages of good things that happen. My favorite? "Nursing a sick bird back to health...and setting it free...and having it fly right back to you!" Quite nice for CRACKED. Although there is a Three Mile Island gag in here, so it's not all sweetness and light. Oh, and there is a real fat lady. Not funny but nice.

MY BUDDYGUARD: I never saw "My Bodyguard" and my commitment to this blog doesn't stretch to watching it for this entry. There's a kid who gets beat up by bullies. there's a "buddyguard". There's some fighting and, in the last panel, the Incredible Hulk. I like it when i say it like that but I just feel like I should have seen the film. I laughed occasionally but...If you've seen the movie, I'll bet you'll love this.

SHUT-UPS

1- Your Mama!
2 - Watch it!
3 - You're Goin' Down, Mr. Honky Pants!

I do, in fact, own honky pants.

BACK COVER: "Great Moments In Dining...Oct. 1953 Oakbrook, ILL. Donald Mack almost invents the fast food restaurant." Pretty nice one. He's trying to serve people quick while his chefs and waitresses chase around chickens and pigs and cows. Good capper for this issue.

I enjoyed this issue. As always, they seem to struggle to reach the full quota of pages but doing a humor magazine like this can't be easy. Or can it? I'm not sure.

Next issue: A guest review from CRACKED expert, Ghumdrop Vincent Burlignton III! Enjoy!

CRACKED #176: Still On The Air!

2009-08-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

by Pierre L.
March 1981

I'd no idea. But, I looked it up and, yes indeed, Barney Miller would have been in its penultimate season (Number 7) at this time. Well, good for Barney Miller. I was never a fan of the show. As I've mentioned, it has one of those opening theme tunes that dares you to keep watching, like Welcome Back Kotter or One Day At A Time. The 70's may have had "groundbreaking" comedies but their theme tunes blew. I believe that Barney Miller fits better into the 70's issues. Here it feels out of place. But, the actual cover is fine.

POSTER: Something about the words getting bigger because the wall is closing in on you. Oh Lord, that pee yellow is very bright on this one. Was this color really the cheapest one available? And, something just occurred to me...When I used to buy this magazine, I would never have removed the cover so I could hang the poster. And yet, presumably, kids did. Why? Why? Why? The cover is oftentimes the best part of the issue. Why would you tear it off of the magazine and then put it against the wall so the poster can stand out? Could you imagine the kid's room that was plastered with these? So much great art facing the wall, so much bright yellow facing out. Were these posters some sort of early solar power? If you covered the walls and let the sun in, would the energy power a car for 18 days? I guess the kid would never have to turn on a light. He just uses the glow off of his CRACKED posters. Now with more radium!!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Anita Glasses - prffffff rdddr" I see a drawing of Nixon...Oh boy, this should be great.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Dear CRACKED, When I heard that a new CRACKED was out featuring my favorite TV show, I stopped eating my hash in a flash, made a dash and paid my cash to read your MASH which was a smash." Have they got the writers submitting letters? This issue has one of those "Statements of Ownership, Circulation...etc." Average no of copies each issue during preceding 12 months: 756,598. Actual number of copies of single issue published nearest to filing date: 855,918. Next issue - January 27th

BLARNEY MILLER: Blarney's office is going to be annexed by the Tricky Licky Laundry unless they can cut $50,000 in costs. They goof around for a while and then...they save the precinct! They get the money. How? Well, you can email me and I'll give you the answer. Let's leave some surprise. There are some nice moments here mixed in with all the regular terrible, terrible puns and plays on words. I haven't seen Barney Miller in ages but was it a pun-heavy cop show? I don't remember it being that but...if it was... You know what, this article farts along with a few smiles and giggles. It's a charming opening to the issue but really could have covered any TV show. It only rarely seems to go near the show its supposed to parodying. But, it's fine. A nice opening.

CRACKED'S FIRST (AND PROBABLY LAST) ANNUAL SOAP OPERA AWARDS: Awards given tonight are..."Best Disease Contracted By a Leading Actor or Actress" & "Longest Drawn Out Sequence In a Main Plot" & "Best Kept Secret by Either and Actor or Actress" & "Longest Suffering Hero or Heroine". Yes Ladies, Biff Hunk from "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Smith" is nominated! Belinda Lynn-Ann Stengelheimer is also up there. The Dead, the Dying and the Severely Boo Booed gets a win so that's awesome. This article is wonderfully goofy and a nice parody of the excesses and conventions of soap operas. All the sorts of things that your average 10-year-old boy would know perfectly.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really, really, mean it this time, for sure!): Oh the joy these bring me! 5 pages of laughs. My favorite here? Tough to say...Possibly the two guys looking at the lady who is wearing a flowery hat. "Why don't you ever wash your hair mom?! You've got flowers growing out of it!" Funny but...don't yell at your mother.

THE CRACKED HANDBOOK ON PERSONAL GROOMING: "Too Sloppy" and "Too Neat" columns alternating across three pages. Some fun drawings here but not too high on the Gag Chart! Dirty houses, stenciling graffiti, not knowing that an earthquake hit your house, typing vacation postcards...They like the things that are like that, my friends. It's three pages. It's a breeze.

MORBAD NEWS: A fake newspaper with some funny articles and only a few photos. I'm not a big fan of their text-heavy stuff but I enjoyed this. "Population Explosion Hits City of Solch" is about farmers exploding. They catch a bubblegum thief. Dinosaur hunting season begins. There's a Bigfoot bit and a vampire bit. At five pages, this may be a bit much but it's less pun-filled than most bits so I enjoyed it.

CRACKED'S HOROSCOPES FOR '81: Each sign gets a little blurb. Here's a sample: "Aries March 21-April 19 Aries have an inventive mind and healthy imagination. Unfortunately this seems to work against them because many Arieans believe they are under surveillance by either the FBI, CIA or MGM. Complaints about dentists implanting tiny transmitters in their back teeth instead of silver fillings are common." Leo's like to stand on stilts a lot so people look up to them. It ends with an Astrological Dictionary that sends me into Pun Overdrive.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN: Oh, the jokery! Exercise is a sweatsuit and Celebrity Bowling. Your wedding is scheduled around TV shows. You go camping with a small TV. No one eats while you watch Julia Child. Ahh...at two pages, it's harmless.

HOW MAGAZINES WILL ATTRACT NEW SUBSCRIBERS IN THE FUTURE: Best bit here? Business for Neanderthal Weekly advertises on Diff'rent Strokes. Mr. Drummond whomps Arnold's behind with a copy of their year-end issue and a special book that comes with the subscriptions. Loved it! Pretty entertaining bit. Free magazines in cereal boxes and milk jugs. Teachers will advertise magazines in class. Richard Nixon shilling for Humpty Dumpty Magazine. In the end, the magazines send all their subscribers to Tahiti. Great article. I enjoyed this, my sweet friend.

THE GREAT CHICAGO HEIST: A parody of 30's gangster films. Three goons steal all the glasses from speakeasies so no one can drink. But, they get put away in prison. But, they've stashed some glasses away...if they can make it seven years, they'll get out and the glasses will be theirs!

It's a charming bit. There are several text-heavy narrated panels but most of it is a breeze. Some funny drawings and some smiles. This is a good bit. I was, however, disappointed that The Talking Blob didn't show up.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE BOOK PUBLISHING KING: Here's a surprise...he's a shyster! Most of his books are junk. He'll buy whatever the latest big thing is and try to sell it again and again. He has the taste of a man who has eaten nothing but Big Macs for the past 20 years. Even Nanny is disgusted by the end...I've dealt with book publishers before and this brought back memories...memories where I think about kicking them. Let's move on...

SHUT-UPS:
1 - Slap
2 - My
3 - A**!

Love the S-Us!

BACK COVER: Something about horses and photo finishes...Dwell on it. You'll get the gag.

This was a pretty darn fine issue. The occasional misstep is to be expected...but they really kept up a nice roll on this one. Please, please, let this continue.

Next Issue: Pierre Get Mad!

CRACKED #175: A Little Variation on Our Reviews

2009-08-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

by Pierre L.
January 1981

M*A*S*H is back! The cover isn't as great as the "jeep into the tree" one but it's fun. That white background glares at me, though. I do recognize this cover from my childhood. Either I bought this issue or my Cousin Kenny had it and I read it over and over again. We have now entered the era when I actually read the magazine. This issue came out in November of 1980. I was seven-and-a-half living the beautiful life of a French Canadian boy. In a year or so, CRACKED and You Can't Do That on Television would be my touchstones for comedy. Benny Hill wouldn't be far behind.

As the next few years of CRACKED progress, I will recognize more and more things. I'll keep you posted.

As the headline above reads, I'm doing the review a little different this time. I'm going to include the blurb before each article so we can get a full-on squeeze of humor from the Boys. Then, I'll throw out a little opinion on each. But, I thought I'd let their blurbs speak for themselves, unless there's no blurb.

POSTER: It's got a big, pink background. There's a thermometer with the temperature at 72 degrees. "To Conserve Energy...The temperature of this poster has been permanently set at 72 degrees." I just got my funny bone yanked!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "It looks like Sylvester has all the attention he ever wanted. We guarantee he'll pass your inspection too!!"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Next issue - December 16th" "Dear CRACKED, You really CLICKED with THE CRACKED LENS last issue. You've DEVELOPED a great feature that deserves to be PRINTED. -John Forrer, Atlanta, Georgia" "Dear John, Thanks. We hate NEGATIVE comments about our PHOTO articles."

M.U.S.H.: "We've watched this show for the last nine years and noticed that the cast is different with the arrival of every new TV season. It goes without saying that this gives your viewers cause fr concern (so why did I say it). We are mindful of the fact that actors desire to change their roles as well as their clothes (it must be awful to wear the same army fatigues for so long) and therefore, understand the need for replacements. So, with regard to any future cast changes, we'd like to see our suggestions given some consideration as we present the latest version of..."

Big blurb. Basically, Archie Bunker, Mork, Latka, the Fonz (Hooray!), Jennifer from WKRP and Deitarch [sic} from Barney Miller are all brought in as replacements amidst the yuks and laughs. In the end, Sylvester comes in for Eagleye. And, comedy reigns supreme.

The CRACKED "INSTANT STATUS" MAIL ORDER CATALOG: "There are three kinds of people in the world today - the rich, the poor and the poor who pretend to live like the rich. Yes, for some reason, there's a whole class of people in America who are in debt up to their Gucci sunglasses trying to show people next door that they're just as good as they are )when, in fact, the people next door are in debt trying to prove the same thing). Well, we don't approve of this, but as long as "Keeping Up With The Joneses" exists, then you might as well do it in a way you can afford it, America. Mainly, by acquiring your 'Look what I won' items from..."

Stuff you can buy to look richer. Empty appliance boxes, designer garbage, iron-on designer names for your clothes and stuff like that. It's fun but obvious. Very obvious.

IF OUR CURRENCY TRULY REFLECTED OUR ECONOMY: "Time was when our currency's conservative design accurately reflected our nation's conservative fiscal policy. Since this is no loner the case, it got us thinking what our dollars might look like today..."

George upside-down, really thin, underwater and getting marked up to five bucks. Three pages and it cooks along all right.

YE HANG UPS: A one-pager, four panel gag. With a "Diff'rent Strokes" joke in it! Nice.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really mean it this time, for sure!): 6 pages of great gags. This article continues to make its own sauce...Comedy Sauce!

CRACKED HEADLINES: "EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT! Do these words sound vaguely familiar? However, we keep getting letters from people who say they're such great fans of CRACKED that they don't read anything else. The truth of the mater is they don't know how to read anything else, but we promise not to let a word of this out. So, we've decided to keep readers informed by starting our own newspaper. To give you an idea of what types of stories we will be covering, take a look at these zany..."

They're not that zany, actually.

"Reporter Uncovers a Dirty Scandal in Laundromat"
"Man Refuses to give up biting dog"
"Courts to wrap up Tennis Racket Case Today"
"Dentist Guilty - Tries to Pull a fast One"

Hardly worth it, really. I couldn't even keep the capitalization going.

EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING: "How many times has something really rotten happened to you - something like losing your right glove from the tenth pair you've bought in one winter or forgetting your bathing suit the first time you visit your uncle who's just had a brand new pool installed in his backyard. Well, these things could depress you if it weren't for the fact that usually when something bad happens, it's because something better is in the wings to take its place. It's the CRACKED philosophy that bad things happen because..."

"The Cloud" on the left. "The Silver Lining" on the left.

You get a flat tire on the freeway. An earthquake hits and the freeway in front of you collapses.

You come up short at the supermarket so leave an item behind. That item makes everyone sick.

PROFILE OF A COWARD: "There are two types of people in this world - the brave and the cowardly. Most of us are familiar with the first type because Hollywood is forever making heroes out of them. Our national anthem even has the phrase 'land of the free and the home of the brave' in it. On the other hand, cowards are a difficult breed to identify since they rarely go outside and when they do, they hide. We here at CRACKED have decided that the public should be able to recognize this 'jellyfish' and so now give you our..."

Oh, those cowards! They get beat up a lot and scared by everything. Boy, the problem with reading these blurbs is they drain all the energy out of the article. Unless that article is absolutely stellar. This last one...not so stellar.

WHEN THE U.S. ADOPTS THE METRIC SYSTEM: No blurb. A pretty funny bit. I remember that St. Margaret Mary's school, where I went from 1-6 grade, taught us metrics. Then, I went to Christ The King for 7-8 grade. They taught the other way. The way most folks know. And, I was a fool. I didn't know gallons, quarts, hogsheads, miles or any of that. I failed several math tests because I had been taught differently. Oddly enough, the teacher must have thought I was joking because she never helped me learn the system she used. She just looked at me with confusion and then let me fail. Awesome!

"The Steelers have the ball, it's first down and...and...and I think 9.144 meters to go!!"

"Inspector Lester of Scotland Yard" ---.9 meters Yard

Gregory peck needs to change his name to Gregory 8.8 Liters.

"Give a Russki 2.54 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers all the time!"

Fun article.

HOW THE POLITICIANS KEPT THEIR ELECTION PROMISES: "America is the land of promise...Especially at election time. Now that the elections are over CRACKED takes a look at..."

All right, I'll give you one and you can make your choice.

"Congressman Godfrey Goober promised 'Re-elect me and I will help curb inflation!'...Goober kept his promise! He named his new dog 'Inflation' and curbs him every day."

Another guy gives tax relief by sending aspirins with every tax form.

Yep.

Sylvester fights inflation!

PARENTS! WE CAN TURN YOUR PROBLEM CHILD INTO AN IDEAL KID.: One pager showing how you can turn your slacker kid into a good kid. I'm not 100% sure what the joke here is. It's for parents whose kids don't agree with them or does stuff they don't like. I'd say this page is 20 years old but...I don't know. What's the point of this one?

HOW TO BE A SALESMAN: At the very end, they point out that the best part of being a salesman is counting the profits at the end of the day. We see a guy in "The Prophet Museum". He's counting the statues. "Moses is 23, Mohammed is 24, and Buddha makes 25!" There are some fun illustrations here but the article has so many groaners. I'm hurting my gut thinking about them. Sorry. Maybe this blurb idea was a rotten one.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE TIME SAVING KING: "Today, speed is everything. Wherever they can, people try to lop minutes, even seconds off the things they do. For example, we had lots more to say in this fact-informed introduction, but we know people won't read it. In fact, if the government had a secret they wanted to keep from the Russians, the best place to leave it wouldn't be in a Pentagon safe, but rather in the contents of the introduction. Why? Because people have allocated only a few minutes to read this piece and, in order not to run over that limit, they'll simply skip this great intro. So why bother writing one! However, since people do pause to look at the title, we have made an effort to come up with a great one, which in this case is..."

Well, at least they know what's up here. The article is standard Nanny stuff. She interviews a man named Sa who runs the Evelyn Wooden Speed Institute. His real name is Salvatore Angelo Kreplach. Everything everywhere is shortened, except the introduction. Nanny kick that guy's ass and let's go on to the Shut-Ups.

SHUT-UPS

1 - War!
2 - Cowboys!
3 - Bathing!

Waboything!

I don't even know now. My brain fried itself on the blurbs.

BACK COVER: Great Moments in Sports. A cop hangs some surfers. "Hang Ten!"

The issue is thoroughly average. The blurbs aren't that great. This was a bad idea. Next issue, we go back to the regular style of reviewing. I think everyone will be better off.

Next Issue: Are you kidding? Was this show still on the air?

CRACKED #174 : And the background vanishes again

2009-07-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

December 1980
by Pierre L.

The cover certainly nails it. The Empire Strikes back made over $200 million in 1980. The closest films were 9 to 5 and Stir Crazy in the 104 million range. Well done, Darth and friends! It's a fun cover that, like the last one, is worth a good long look. But, I wonder why the background had to vanish. I wonder if they were standing in front of something great?

"This room has been affected by the Energy Crisis!...I don't have the energy to Clean it!!" Hey pal, in this heat, we're in the same boat. The poster has yellow lettering with a black background. Hmmm... Or is it a yellow backround with a black foreground that has letters cut out of it?

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Shut-Ups "Ah shut-up and read 'em!" Nice. Oh boy, the Cracked Lens title looks mighty lengthy. Why are the articles all out of order in the table of contents? It's not a very helpful table of contents then, is it? "Amy Stake - rder pruf"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: "Dear CRACKED, Would you settle an argument my brother and I are having? Which is older -- the Kremlin in Moscow or the jokes used in CRACKED LOOKS AT A BIG CITY OFFICE?" Way to razz 'em, Mitchell & Larry Ritzman." Can I get an Amen?! Next issue - November 4th.

EXPLOITING THE STAR WARS FIGURES TO THEIR FULLEST: Darth Vader and Princess Leia in Gone With the Wind II. It doesn't actually seem to be a parody of Gone With The Wind but it's fun. "Chewbacca as the Godfather". He's pretty funny with his big, hairy face and the fat cheeks. Fun... OB1 Designer Jeans - "...if you find yourself having a rough time getting into them, just use THE FORCE. Luke Skywalker Lima Beans and "Odor De Tawntawn Perfume" and on and on... Yes, they will also be on TV. (Although, I'm pretty sure they did the "Star Wars folks on other shows" bit already.) Darth Vader uses his "choke you" power to convince a lady to pick his product in a taste test. Chewbacca advertises razors. Obi-Wan works for Lou Grant. It's a charming article that, in pure CRACKED fashion, never quite seems to connect with anything. It's a pleasant 6 pages to kickstart the issue. But, honestly, they seem to be out of things to say about the Star Wars folks. The verve from '77 is not here.

A CRACKED LOOK AT DUMB INVESTMENTS: Opening a "soul food" restaurant in Beverly Hills. Classy! It's all mistimed or inappropriate or just plain dumb products that people invest in. I've started this article twice and skimmed over it both times. There is one funny bit: "Investing in a Broadway musical doomed from the start." "The life story of President Millard Filmore set to music!" Two chorus gals dance on stage singing "Hello Millard!" That's funny. But, the rest of it... "Investing in any Farrah Fawcett Movie" with the movie in question being "Kiss Me, Kill me, Pummel Me!" must have been hilarious then...now, not so much. Why do they hate Farrah so much? The rest of it is stuff like "issuing tricentennial merchandise" and buying real estate around 3 Mile Island. The art is fun. The jokes aren't bad. They just never take off. I hope this isn't a theme for the issue.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we really mean it this time!): There's a still from Deranged. Gosh, these are fun. Whoever came up with this bit deserves a CRACKED Award for Awesome.

THE CRACKED QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS GUIDE TO RACQUETBALL: Some funny bits. A few of the "You'll need a ball to play" kind of jokes and you see a man standing in front of a formal ball complaining how expensive this sport is. But, even for gags like that, the drawings are pretty funny. "Players then alternate striking the ball." Yep, there are strikers. But, they're pretty funny looking. The cross-section drawing of the racquetball court is just a pinch better than these things normally are. And, for this being a text heavy article, the text is large and the people always fun looking. I mentioned that before but you've no idea how great it is to just have some very funny things to look at. I thought I'd dislike this but I really enjoyed it.

HOW TO WIN A SCHOOL ELECTION: Ahhh. Lance Excelent [sic] shows us how to bribe who we need to bribe to win. How to tell Lies and be as vague as you need to be to win. In the end, it's a parody on real elections and it's OK. One of those articles that I can't really grasp the point of except for the fact that this would have been right before the 1980 election. There's a good gag at the end that I won't ruin for you. It may be the best part of it.

FUTURE ULTRA REALISTIC ELECTRONIC GAMES: The future! Red Dog Football! Blood spurts out of a hole after tackles. Authentic locker room smells. Cheerleaders with 24 different cheers. It's great! Long Shot! "Now you can simulate the thrill of blowing a wad at the races in your own home...Set comes with a paper shredder that shreds the contents of your wallet!" There's a baseball game, racing game, VEGAS! and a basketball game. They all are like the real things! More or less. I like the layout and look of this one, although the jokes are hit and miss.

YE HANG UPS: 4 one-panel gags. They're fine. Giggle and carry on.

CRACKED'S LITTLE KNOWN BY-LAWS: I really needed a breezy visual piece here. This one has too much text and drawings that are funny but ehh... "Law #4: In Boston, Massachusetts, you are not allowed to place an oral thermometer in boiling water." "Law #9: In the Soviet Union, you can get arrested for saying 'More onions on the pizza, please.'" "Law #12: In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, it is against the law to tie an alligator to a fire-hydrant." At two pages, it doesn't wear itself out.

MASTERS OF EVIL: Three pages of monster themed CRACKED LENS gaggery. Some good stills including one from Harold Lloyd's film Why Worry. I see Count Yorga, Trog, The Mad Monster, Young Frankenstein and Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman. Why'd they put Deranged in the regular CRACKED LENS? That's the most horrific here. Regardless, laughs!

YOU WON'T BE INVITED TO ANOTHER PARTY WHEN AT YOUR LAST PARTY...: Oh boy, gags away! These are some oldies and some CRACKIES!

"...you unwittingly poured cement mix in the cheese dip."
"...you told your friends there were going to be door prizes and you gave away 5 doors."
"...you came dressed as a zebra and it wasn't a costume party."
"...you tried to offset the money you spend on the gift by stuffing your pockets with food."

REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE: "Checking out the T.V. ratings the other day, we noticed an interesting fact. Audiences are starting to ignore dumb situation comedies and detective dramas and are instead turning to informational programming. Well, at first, these shows were of high quality like 60 Minutes and 20-20, however, this past spring they've been getting dumber and dumber. In fact, the most moronic of all will probably be the new one they plan to introduce in a couple of weeks entitles...REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE" They got a little verbose in this into. This new show will look at tap dancing trout, a man who trains dogs to take their masters out for a walk and a lady barber who cuts client's hair with her teeth. Looks great to me. Sahara Prucell, Jolly Davison and Chairo are the hosts. There first story is with Burny Mihand, the Human Torch. He's a guy who is constantly burning! Then, Otto and Jock Doubleday, Siamese twins. One's fat and one's thin. Then, some other stuff happens and eventually the article peters out. Starts strong (I remember these shows. I was a regular viewer.) and then fades. It goes on one story too long.

"Help Sylvester Fight..." Sure, I know. Six dollars for 9 issues.

CRACKED'S CAREER GUIDE FOR DISC JOCKEYS: "Besides breathing polluted air, eating food which has been sprayed with pesticides, and making fun of uncoordinated people, there is one other thing we Americans have in common and that's...listening to the radio. And because of this, radio has become a big business. Everyday, more and more high paying jobs open up in the broadcasting field. And, because we care about your future, we're now going to tell you how YOU can take advantage of these opportunities as we present..." Sometime soon I am going to do a review that has the introductory blurb for each article written out. We'll check for any connections between longer blurbs and the quality of the articles. This article, by the way...is all right. The best joke is when they remind us that a disc jokey is a broadcaster. You see a man casting off from the shore. Instead of bait, he's casting a large-breasted woman. A broad caster! Get it! Ahhh... A lot of jokes like this. Turns out the Frankenstein's Monster isn't a good disc jockey because he mumbles too much. There's a comedy aptitude test and an application and, this is odd...it's the end of the issue.

SHUT-UPS

1 - Painter!
2 - Tainter!
3 - Howard Cosell!

Total: I love a good Shut-Ups, Asshead!

BACK COVER: The Man and The Beast. A decent one-pager to close of the issue.

I like this issue. It has very little of the stuff that bugs me about CRACKED and much of the stuff I like. And, I love the fact that there isn't a single straightforward TV or Movie parody here, unless you count Real incredible People but that feels different. This is a fun issue. Let's get back on track, guys. I'm enjoying this.

Next issue: One of the very first ones I remember reading.

CRACKED #173: Now, that's a cover!

2009-07-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

November 1980
by Pierre L.

Hey! A background! And one that is really quite wonderful! Do they have to ration the cover backgrounds over at CRACKED? Inflation was that bad in 1980? Regardless, this is one of Severin's best. But, you need to proceed inside to really take it all in.

INSIDE COVER: There it is! The full two-page spread! Just like the Cantina poster from the Star Wars's parody days. This is huge and really wonderful. There's something to see everywhere on this one. The Army of Stormtroopers in the distance. Sylvester's sled trail. C-3PO making snowballs. What a great freakin' poster! This is how they all should be.

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Miss Reed - prffff rfdrer" And, in the little blurb...a strange joke: "So now everyone knows where you went on vacation, Sylvester...the ice planet! Don't stay outside too long; it looks Colth there!" Huh? I know it's the planet Hoth. But, what does this joke mean? Again, I get the distinct feeling that CRACKED saw what was happening in the pop culture world around them but really had no clue. Remember when they spelled Fonz as "Fonze"? Oh boy.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: There's a letter from a guy praising them on their Six Million Dollar parody. His letter is from March 3, 1970. Ahh... Next issue - September 23rd.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES OUT: Fun art and a nice flow to it. But, my Lord, what's with all the rotten jokes. (They do, like they usually do, mention that their jokes are really, really old. So, why not try to think up some new bits?) Luke mentions his nose is running. The response is "Good! It'll keep your nose in shape!" Sure. Thanks, guys. Yoda cooks something on Luke's stove. Why? "Haven't you ever heard of a gnome on the range?" I'm pretty sure these jokes would have made me wince when I was a child. Now, they're giving me a heart attack. When Boba Fett demands the bounty on Han's head, guess what Darth Vader gives him? (A: A roll of Bounty Paper Towels.) Oh, when Darth says he's going to freeze Han, Han replies with "That's not an ice thing to do." I guess as long as you don't actually read this, it's wonderful.

CRACKED'S NEW SIDEWALK, STREET AND PLAYGROUND GAMES: New games for 1980! "Cowboys & Arabs!" (You can guess your own game here.) "Chicken!" (See how long you can ignore your Mom's cries for you to come home!) Three Mile Island (A water balloon and yells of "Meltdown"!) Let's Be Obnoxious (Bug somebody you don't know and run away from them!) There are several others but those are the ones I felt like writing down. I guess this article is OK. It just kind of sits there and teeters on the edge of big-time laughs. Wouldn't it have been great if it fell into the laughs?

YE HANG UPS: It's a full multi-panel one-pager! Wow! And, it's funny even if it doesn't make a lick of sense! Enjoy!

CRACKED'S UPDATED PUNCHLINES TO SOME OF THE WORLD'S OLDEST JOKES: All right... a few examples should suffice:

What's worse than an elephant on water skis?
Old: A porcupine on a rubber life raft!
New: Just about any episode of The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo!

Where's one place you can always find money?
Old: In the dictionary!
News: Under an OPEC member's turban!

What is orange and half a mile high?
Old: The Empire State Carrot!
News: The after-glow around Three Mile Island!

(Boy, they're getting a lot of mileage out of Three Mile Island in this issue.)

What tree is always unhappy?
Old: A Blue Spruce.
New: One just cut down to make way for a row of condominiums.

Like that... MAD-lite.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS (and we mean it this time!): Hey, Airport 1975! 5 pages of joy and Marlon Brando. Always a good bit, this bit continues to always be a good bit. So there.

A CRACKED LOOK AT A BIG CITY OFFICE: These things need open spaces. It's two pages but all the chaos and frenzy of people and word balloons leaves me swimming in the jokes about the boss being absent-minded. How do we know? He took his wife out to dinner and told her not to mention it to his secretary! Not a lot of puns in this one. How many people work here? Oh, about half. Jokes like that. And, they fill up the space and some of the people look very amusing but...Who is all this for? Surely the kids who read The Empire Strikes Back parody at the start must be shrugging their shoulders at this. Hell, I am and I'm in an office right now. CRACKED, thou art inscrutable.

HOW THE GOVERNMENT CAN CUT DOWN ON SPENDING: Boy, this one is sure heavy on the political satire. Of course, the 1980 election was a few months away but, again, articles like this really don't match up with the cover or the lead article. Maybe there were a lot of disappointed kids out there after shelling out their cash on this?

In fact, I'm trying to remember how I used to read CRACKED. We didn't have a lot of money. So, we'd go to Wegmans and I'd spend the cash I had on a CRACKED because the cover's were usually so great and then...they'd be filled with articles like this or those "You Know you're Too [Something] When..." that I always disliked. But, I'd spend my money on it so, for God's sake, I was going to read all of it and love it! I guess a comic book worked better but CRACKED was Comedy! That's what it said it was! So why does it all feel so odd? I would have been seven when this issue came out. I started buying CRACKED very soon after this. Why? A lot of sizzle. Where the hell's my stake?

CRACKED FACTS: Some days I start reviewing these and they just make me tired. This is a thoroughly average CRACKED article with wacky Facts! "A large number of exotic carpets that Iran exports are produced from the dead hairs of the Ayatullah's [sic] beard." "Martin Quackery is the first man to be raised by a family of ducks. Today he is a successful down pillow manufacturer but every time he sees a duck he is seized with an uncontrollable desire to go to Disney World." The facts are never that great. They're far too convoluted and there's no kick.

What is wrong with me? CRACKED, have I lost the love?

THE CRACKED WORLD OF VACATIONS: Well, this sure didn't bring the love back. Boy, there is a grotesque pimply-faced teen in this bit. Yuktown, U.S.A. A wife demands her husband ask for more vacation. His boss obliges. The man is fired! BOOM! That was the sound of my trousers exploding from the high hilarity! Another couple goes to Italy and complains the whole time. But, when they get back, they say they love it. Have you heard each of these jokes fourteen times in the past?

A DOZEN THINGS NEVER TO DO AT THE BEACH: Two pages of advice like never offering to put suntan oil on a weightlifter's girlfriend's back. Move on...

SYLVESTER CONTINUES TO FIGHT INFLATION!

IF RONALD REAGAN BECOMES PRESIDENT: He'll always do a re-take! Ha! Well, this is no funnier that the kind of crap Ronnie did for eight years, although it's funny to see what people thought in the Summer of 1980. John Wayne on the dollar. Superman and Miss Piggy on the cabinet. Henry Kissinger does a screen test. Oh, Ronnie! We were laughing for a while, weren't we?

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE MULTI-CINEMA KING: And, we end with Nanny. Mr. Ray Design is the man who puts together all these big-big multiplexes and, frankly, they're a bit of a ripoff. Small seats, smaller screens, theaters next to loud generators. Bad movies...Oh wait. That's not his fault. I enjoyed this round of Nanny. It was nice to see her. There really isn't anything to laugh out loud at here but it's worth your time.

SHUT-UPS

1-Your
2-Big
3-Fat

Total: Momma!

BACK COVER: "Great Moments in Aviation" A guy selling balloons floats across the Atlantic with a bemused look on his face.

I think the thing that bugged me with this issue was that the cover and the lead article promise Pop Culture goofball fun. But, most of this issue is satire on the state of the union and the upcoming Presidential election. As a kid, I would have been disappointed. As a grown-up, I applaud their attempt but wish they'd stick to Mork and Coleman.

Next Issue: I wonder what this one has inside?

CRACKED #172: A TV Crossover in the Void

2009-07-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

October 1980
by Pierre L.

Great cover...well, great subject for the cover. Where's the background? The people look great. The motorcycle and the General Lee looks great. The car is on a dirt road that fades away. The motorcycle is on...? Who knows? Are they in Hazzard County or the big city? Are they deep in the Void near Antares 13 in the Madeline Cluster? Where are they? Why is there no background? CRACKED!! Oh well, let's head in.

INSIDE FRONT COVER: A playbill for the "1st Annual Gala Jamboree Extravaganza" It looks like a great time. Lots of food. Live music (Bee Gees, Elton John and Kiss) and celebrities (Mohammad Ali, Belushi, Coleman, Parton, Winkler, etc.) Jimmy Carter will be there. But...there's a slip! Oh no! At the very bottom!

Time: Saturday, S... ... -2PM till ?
Place: W.... Pa...

You can't read when and where it is! The hell. I want to go. I want to go now. CRACKED!!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: "Rita Righta - pruf rita" "What's Up Front - Our Cover" I see Jimmy Carter and a man at "Veronica Lake" up in the mountains and gangsters and fisherman and the word "BEEP!!" Bodes well.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Still selling that Cracked Reporter T-Shirt. $4.95 plus 1 dollar S&H. And with CRACKED you can be assured...that's good handling! "Next issue - August 12th" People seemed to have really enjoyed the last few issues. I wonder if there's an "Anti-Lettuce" somewhere that's filled with "troll-style" letters like "CRACKED stink! MAD yes!" and stuff like that.

THE DORKS OF HAZZARDOUS WITH CHIPS TO GO: Boo & Cuke Dork go to Los Angeles for a hamburger. They drive past a smiling man whose T-shirt says "GONZAGA". Thanks, T-shirt! Punch and Yawn, the CHIPS cops, join the Dork boys in the General Flee and capture crooks. Along the way, it is clear that Dork-style law involves a lot of violence and crashes. Those cut-ups! During all of their driving around, Boo and Punch argue about which of them is better looking and who has more dates. In the end, it's inconclusive. I enjoy CRACKED's version of Los Angeles. At one point, there is an 8-lane road, which might be a freeway or not...But, regardless, there are stores along the road. I mean directly on the edge of the road. The doors open directly onto the road. Huh? What land is this? CRACKED? Have any of you ever been to Los Angeles? Unless it's a joke? But, what's the joke? Oh well...C-3PO and R2D2 show up and hijack an oil truck. I almost forgot that.

Great article. One of my favorite satires that they've done. It has a constant sense of movement. The jokes have enough life to them so when the article actually ended I wanted more. Nice beginnings.

ABSOLUTELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, POSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY, THE VERY, VERY, LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS: 5 pages of funny. These article's are just getting better and better. One of my favorites: Calvary guys are hunched over the body of a dead Indian. One says "Remember corporal, 'The only good Indian is a dead Indian.'" The corporal replies with "I know that Sarge. Why, some of my best friends are dead Indians." Politically incorrect? Sure. More clever that the average CRACKED gag? You bet your ass, Franklin!

IF WOMEN REALLY WANTED TO BE TREATED EQUALLY: Remember how I said I wished Chips and the Dukes went on longer, well, here's one I wish was shorter. This article is about women doing all sorts of the "miserable" things that men have to do. "...Let them go for the car next time you come out of a movie and it's pouring rain!" "...Let them see how they like the 'mandatory jacket and tie rule' in scorching 98 degrees restaurants!" "...Let them move the living room furniture while the men decide where it looks best!" It goes on for two pages. There is an occasionally funny drawing but let's move on...

CRACKED FANTASIES: A man's head is in the center of the pages (Corkmonger, Walter Corkmonger) and all sorts of little thought balloons emanate from his mind. Winning Mr. America. Being allowed to marry Bo Derek. No bad weather while on vacation at Veronica Lake. Stuff like that. But, it all feels rather low-key. Nothing is ever that funny or that exciting. Maybe Corkmonger's just pitching low but it's your fantasy, man! Go crazier. This is like my 96-year-old Grampa's version of a CRACKED article. "I didn't want you to laugh too hard, Pierre. You might pull a hammer. (hamstring)"

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET ANYWHERE WITH HIM / HER IF: Are all these articles becoming the same? One page of guys and gals saying rude things to their dates. I forgot this was here when I scanned this article for the review. That's how memorable it is.

WHAT YOU'RE REALLY THINKING: Apparently, I'm not thinking anything that witty. I'm really just kind of an angry jerk. It does end with the writer of the article running into Mr. Sproul's office with the idea for this article. CRACKED!!

CRACKED VISITS THE OL' FISHING CREEK: I wonder how they do these. Does the artist draw them and give them to the writers who stick in all the jokes? Because, unlike the covers, there is always something going on in the drawing. In fact, I love the drawing in this one and that led me to realize why these bits bug me. A lot of times, especially when Don Orehek draws them, the actual layout is really entertaining. There's so much going on. You can scan this one and see so much. Charlie the Tuna fishing. "Warning: Slow Sand" Up in the top right hand corner, near the two old men standing in the water in bathing suits and fancy hats, the fishing creek seems to wind off into the distance. Hey! There's a tugboat way, way back there. No joke around it, although it is pulling a water skier . There's the Loch Ness Monster! "Danger: Thin Ice" So much fun stuff. Why is that old guy sitting in the water up to his neck? Surely not to deliver the rotten joke that he seems to be delivering? Up to the left..."How did you come to fall in the water?" "I didn't come to fall in the water, I came to fish!" I hope no one got paid for that. Ignore the word balloons, enjoy the richness of the Ol' Fishing Creek.

CRACKED'S ALL-PURPOSE TIME-SAVING "DENIAL OF CHARGES" SPEECH FOR POLITICIANS: Two pages of "I wish to speak to you..." And then, there are several different endings to that sentence, ranging from respectful to wacky. This is possibly the most boring article I've ever encountered in CRACKED. I just cannot focus my attention. It's impossible. Sorry. Move on.

THE CRACKED PENAL CODE: Tow pages of people punished for annoying other people. Getting up for popcorn in the middle of a movie sentences you to being thrown in a vat of hot, melted butter. It's like that. A lot of very similar articles in here this month. Oh well, at least it's only two pages long. The last panel is another reference to CRACKED and rotten articles. Hmmm... Oh, one of the punishments is mandatory viewing of a 36-hour Farrah Fawcett film festival.

WHAT "HELP WANTED" ADS SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: You know the drill. "Want a job with punch? Learn the ropes with a challenging position." Boxer. "Move up fast in dynamic Wall St. job." Elevator operator. The final panel is another CRACKED rib at themselves. We're getting a trifle too samey with these things.

LOSER - THE MAGAZINE FOR DEADBEATS: "Exclusive: 16 pages of blank paper. (The material got lost on the way to the printer.)" Yes, fat people, old people and ugly people...they're all losers! Actually, this bit is pretty funny. A bit heavy on the text at times but with some smiles. There is a great Severin drawing of a man walking down a dark road...towards a manhole...about to step on a banana peel...with a mad dog right behind him...with a flower pot dropping out of the sky...with a thug around the corner. That's awesome. The table of contents has a series of drawings, mainly illustrating articles listed. One is an open door, an overturned chair and legs swinging. The heck? CRACKED!!! "The time I was punched in the mouth by a member of the Humanist Society." Loser Quiz...Loser Advice Column...The Inquiring Loser...Ads for Snake-eye dice and a Real piece of Poison Ivy. The best bit? I think it's a big arrow pointing at a dull guy's face. "CONTEST - Find a name for this loser (So we can tell him to get lost during the hurricane season)" Pretty good bit.

Ad for Cracked fighting Inflation is next. And, it's Sylvester in the ring with the big monster named "Inflation".

CRACKED SONGS FROM OUTER SPACE: One example will suffice..."Broken Motor Opera" sung to the tune of "Satisfaction"..."I can't get no - warp drive action. I can't get no - chain reaction,/ Well I tried/ Overdrive/ And I blew out Warp 5/ Engines don't go. Engines don't go." That's the first verse. I'm done. Onward?

YE HANG UPS: Four one-panel gags. They're fun.

JIMMY CARTER'S TELETHON FOR ENERGY: Nanny shows up at one point to denigrate Dolly Parton's figure but, apart from that, this is a brand new way to end an issue. Jimmy wants to raise a billion gallons of energy! In the end, he gets about 8 gallons. But, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton show up. Very, very topical CRACKED article. Yes, these issues are still issues today but this article is very specific to the issues of the Summer of 1980. So, even though the article is fun to look at and a breeze to read...it's never really funny, today. However, the fact that they ended an issue like this is, frankly, awesome. CRACKED!!

SHUT-UPS

1 - Conquistador
2 - Booze Hounds
Total - Conquiztabooze!

INSIDE BACK COVER: An iron-on. Sadly, their weakest yet. Two arrows: "See front of T-Shirt" "See Back of T-shirt" Let's see the back of the issue, shall we?

GREAT MOMENTS IN TECHNOLOGY: A wristwatch with a sundial! That's a heavy wristwatch!

CRACKED!!

Good issue. The highs are high and the lows are just average. A fun read that made me giggle a bit. Thank Goodness. To be honest, I was starting to lose my faith in CRACKED. But, of course, one issue does not a winning streak make. Let's check out the next issue before we start crappin' 'em out of excitement. Shall we?

Next issue: They struck back! And, it hurt my hinder!

CRACKED #171: This Cover Speaks For Itself

2009-07-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

September 1980
By Pierre L.

Where'd they get the Shoe Shine box, I wonder? Oh CRACKED, you've done it again! And, once again, I'm not quite sure what you've done. It is nice to know that they know the worth of their own Iron-On's: 1 dollar.

INSIDE FRONT COVER: A Three Mile Island souvenir poster. Hang it on your wall! It glows!

TABLE OF CONTENTS: I am tempted to flip to the inside back cover for my valuable iron-on right now but that's not the way things work. Marcus Absent is this week's...you know.

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - July 8th. Most people enjoy CRACKED. If they don't, then the editor sends the razz at 'em! It's actually time to renew my subscription. They do offer extra copies of this issue's iron-on for a buck. They weren't kidding! It is a buck! That's good iron-on.

IF ARNOLD WERE TREATED AND BEHAVED LIKE A REAL-LIFE KID: The housekeeper wants to kill him for all his shenanigans. Willis wants to beat Arnold when he is stapled to his bedsheets so he won't slide out of bed. Arnold uses Mr. Drummond's stock certificates to dry his pet goldfish. Arnold is grounded until age 21. A water balloon is dropped on a Mr. Haymarket who sues Mr. Drummond. Oh no...when cuteness does not work anymore, Arnold has a rough time of it. I guess this wouldn't make such a great sitcom. Oddly enough, it's not really a funny article. More of a "of course" kind of thing. Great idea. Strange use of humor.

NEW DETECTORS OF THE FUTURE: Bore detectors. Salesman detectors. Weather detectors. Odd. This one is a real strange sort of funny, too. It's more of a nod your head and say "Sure, sure" kind of thing. There are some interesting illustrations but it's not a "Ha HA!" article. It isn't even written that way. It's just kind of clever as it carries its premise along for three pages. Hmmm...

THE MEDICINE MAN: A three-pager about a medicine man who keeps doing the wrong sort of dance. If this is from before 1973, I'll eat my hat. It's kind of funny but just feels like a strange retread.

THE CRACKED BOOK OF RUNNING: Text-heavy but with some charming drawings. But, not nearly enough drawings. Hmm...I really may need to start looking at my current relationship with CRACKED.

There was a time a few issues ago where I loved it to pieces but now I find myself denigrating it a lot. But, the magazine's just not funny. And, the problem is that they don't really seem like they're trying anymore. Back in the mid 70's, we went through this but the mag revitalized itself. Now, it's backed right into a sort of repetitive style or, in the case of this article, a very word-filled style that just doesn't suit them. Odd. I love CRACKED. But, I do hope there's a change or a spike in quality soon.

ABSOLUTELY, UNDENIABLY, POSITIVELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, THE VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS: This seemed to be the vanguard of fun a few years ago. Now, it's a funny oasis in the midst of all this odd "This is humor?" stuff that they've been doing. Maybe it's "humour" and I just don't recognize it?

ADS FROM THE SPACE AGE: Again, interesting premise. Updating all sorts of ads (going to Vegas, car ads, weight loss) to the far, far future. The copy is fine. The drawings are fine. But, I'm not laughing. In fact, I'm skimmimg along. Have I, possibly, read too much CRACKED lately? Am I immune to its style of comedy? Isn't "Make Big Money Hauling Space Trash" a hoot? I don't know anymore.

NEW IDEAS FOR PHONY "OPTIONAL EQUIPMENT" CAR DEALERS CAN GOUGE THE PUBLIC WITH: We see a cross section of a car and assorted arrows pointing to various bits. An example: "Electronically controlled rain-dispersal arm-assembly (windshield wipers) - $13.95 each. Rubber wiper blades - $6.00 extra per blade". It's a funny concept that is worked out thoroughly, if not very hilariously.

COMPANY MERGERS OF THE FUTURE: This one is pretty good. Perdue Chicken Company and Goodyear Rubber Corporation merge - Rubber eggs! Celeste Pizza and Polaroid Land Camera Corporation - A camera that produces a slice of pizza in 60 seconds. McDonald's and IBM - MBM! They have glasses with pictures of all your favorite execs on them! A Super-fast computer store. What are the odds? Nice bit. This one takes the edge off.

ILLUSTRATED IDIOTIC IDIOMS: Wacky photos of things that refer to something. Number 4 has a woman sitting on some steps with a couple cans of TAB on her head. "Keeping Tabs on Someone." A picture of someone with no face is "Losing Face". Stuff like that. It's the pictures that sell this one. They're pretty goofy. It doesn't seem like the staff of CRACKED did this. Freelance?

KING ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS OF THE RESERVED TABLE: One of their "classic" parodies. At King Author's court, there is a crazy dragon. The knight who can kill it gets the King's daugther's hand in marriage. Her name is Princess Scrunge and she's a little gamy. Sir Callow The Timid saves the day by unleashing the Talking Blob from an issue of CRACKED. T.B. wins. The dragon is eaten. Then, the TB eats the King and Sir Callow defeats TB. In the end. Callow and Scrunge rule the land. This bit is fun. Doesn't match the beach party with the Fonz from so long ago but it's worth a few giggles and is a good read.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE INFLATION BEATING KING: The most amazing thing about this one is that Nanny has stockings on in the first panel but is bare-legged for the rest of it. Where'd her pantyhose go? The heck? She interviews Mr. M. I. Cheap who reads his neighbor's newspaper. He also bunks under the train early in the morning to get a free ride. He offers people on the street cash for whatever old clothes they're wearing. He puts one article of clothing in each machine at the laundromat. Then, when someone cleans their clothes in it, he comes in and says he forgot to take out an item. So, he gets all his clothes cleaned for free! How on earth could you do anything else with your life if this is all you did? There's nothing to "hard hit" at here. Nanny's talking to the guy to get tips. But, he's just really cheap. Did you get that from his name?

SHUT-UPS

1 - Jury!
2 - Murray!

Total - J'Murray Weinstock!

INSIDE BACK COVER: Iron-on. "I'm a Perfect 10 What's your IQ?" Oh, I got comedy all down my leg! I prefer the Fonz.

BACK COVER: Some caveman almost invents the frisbee. Oh well... It goes out as it came in. Kind of mmm-hmmm-sure...

Well, I'm having some troubles here. The magazine seemed to be branching out into wonder but it, in fact, settled into a strangely bland place. Here's hoping we can snap out of it soon. But, I don't think we have a Fonz coming up anytime in the future.

Sorry. I'm Fonz-happy today.

Next issue: Well, we've got a team-up going. I sure am hoping it's a good one.

This one brought to you by...

CRACKED #170: Shouldn't that be "The Dorks of Hazard"?

2009-07-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

August 1980
by Pierre L.

Here they are...Some new pop culture icons for us to feature on the cover. But, there will be a bit of a difference here. I'll go into more detail when we hit the parody.

POSTER: This one is an "Important Notice" on attention-grabbing yellow paper. It says that certain "onterators are traming on the permis of the derialtor." Stuff like that. They did another poster like this a while back. Big fake words warning us of something. Frankly, it worked better the first time. Unless, this is your first time seeing it. Then, what do you think?

TABLE OF CONTENTS: What the table doesn't show is that much of this issue is either MAD-lite or a throwback to the CRACKED of the mid-70's. I wish I could say that that was a good thing. Amy Stake - PrFFR RdEr

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Next issue - June 3rd. Let's move on.

THE NOT-SO-BRIGHT SHADOW: The few times I saw The White Shadow when I was young the whole look of the thing depressed the heck out of me. This parody does too. It starts with one of those long two-page banner panels with lots of people talking in a row, a la every movie or TV parody MAD has ever done. I got bored halfway through the panel and moved on. There is a good joke here about how everyone seems to be either in practice or in the showers but that's about it. This thing goes on for seven pages and I'm just not getting the juice up for it. Yes, Gary Coleman appears in the end and it is awesome. But, boy, it's a long trip getting there. It's like driving through Nebraska - endless landscape with nothing to enjoy. You just want to get out.

CRACKED'S REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL: The last article was a MAD-esque bit of stuff. This one feels like it should have been written in the late-50's or early 60's. It literally is stuff to be cheerful about. Good friends, scoring high on a video game, spinach workers going on strike, flowers, summer vacations, CRACKED. A few of the illustrations are humorous but this seems more like a very long greeting card you'd sent out to cheer someone up. What an odd article.

SUGARLESS GUM AD: You know the "4 out of 5 dentists" thing. Well, this is about Number 5 and it's a funny one.

SITUATIONS YOU WISH YOU WEREN'T IN: Sort of the flip side to "Cheerful". Letting a vacuum cleaner salesman in your house. Going to the beach and getting rained on. etc and so forth... Ummm, what's the copyright date on this issue?

WHAT IS A FAD FREAK?: The irony behind this article feeling like it should have shown up six years prior is not lost on me. "Goes to Africa to trace his 'roots' - and he's an American Indian!" "Got into a yoga position six months ago - and hasn't figured out how to get out yet!" (OK, that one's kind of funny.) "Has more gears on his racing bicycle than a Mack truck!" Close your eyes and turn the page.

USING STAR TREK LOGIC AND TECHNOLOGY TO SOLVE LIFE'S EVERYDAY PROBLEMS: Way to keep those titles simple! It's a lot of Vulcan Mind probing and death gripping to pass tests and beat bullies. Your bicycle goes Warp Factor 8 to get away from a police man. When the dad's in the neighborhood show up to kill you for treating their daughters like garbage, you tell them that you're on a Five Year Mission to "get away with with what no other man has gotten away with before." The dad's accept that. Boy, I'm pretty sure Star Trek fans would have gotten their ass handed to them on a a platter if they had done that...but, why not give it a try anyway? (A platter of ass, anyone?)

YE HANG UPS: Funny but...Ye Hang Ups! It's been half a decade since we've had these. What's going on in this issue?

THE CRACKED WORLD OF SCHOOLING: Oh, Lord. We're back to MAD. 4 pages of endlessly old gags about people going to various schools. There's a joke about a correspondence school bartender making his friends drinks that he puts in first class envelopes. There's one about a lady gaining 20 pounds from taking a Chinese Cooking class. It goes on like this and it is dense and it is dull. Wow! I'm going to keep moving.

CRACKED'S RANDOM SAMPLINGS: This might explain it all. This four pager is nothing but bits and bobs, jokes and japes, that they rejected or didn't finish. They wanted to show us some of what they had sitting around. I don't know if this is true or not but it makes for far more interesting reading than most of the rest of the issue. A few bits:

Witness a man who's egg-cited - We see a man getting excited over a plate of eggs.

How To Pick Up Chicks - In two panels, a man picks up a woman and sets her down.

There is a three panel "CRACKED's Brief Guide To Handball".

A police station - A man wearing a trench coat filled with cats is identified as a famous cat burglar.

Bits like that. It's fun and fast. I'd like to see more of these.

A CRACKED SALUTE TO NEW YORK CITY: Right back to MAD. Hey! There's a lot of crime in NYC! Wall Street is a street with big walls on both sides. Broadway has a lot of women waving at us. Battery Park...Well, you can guess that one. A lot of restaurant jokes and mugger jokes and Statue of Liberty jokes. Maybe they should head back to Detroit? Remember when they took them down a peg? Let's go back!

THE DORKS OF HAZZARDOUS: This one cooks along all right. The show was very repetitive and this one picks up on that: car chases, Boss Hogg's schemes, all that sort of stuff. Daisy has really short shorts on. The Duke boys aren't too long on brains but they got a lot of heart! The Dukes would show up quite a bit over the next few years and there is a difference between them and The Fonz, Gary Coleman or Mork. The writers seem to think the Dukes of Hazard is pure garbage. It is stupid and repetitive and...well, they're right. But, it is a bit more fun when they really get behind the icon they're going after (even if they don't seem to understand it, like the Fonz). Maybe the blah nature of this issue has worn me out but they'll do better stuff with the Dukes later.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE NUCLEAR POWER KING: Hey! That nuclear facility keeps having meltdowns and explosions. And, Nanny calls him on it! And, I am rundown by this issue. Nanny works best as a little bit of icing on the cake for a good issue. For an issue like this, which is below average, she can't save it. These bits never have that much kick to begin with. I'm rolling downhill right into the...

SHUT-UPS

1 - Burp
2 - BURP!!
3 - BELCH!!!

TOTAL - I messed myself.

BACK COVER: Harold the Weird invents the Adding Machine. Who cares? I thought we weren't doing these anymore?

This issue's kind of a stinker. It never gets going. There are only a few flashes of joy in here. It feels recycled, repetitive and rip-off laden. Please, guys, let's pull ourselves out of this! Please?

Next issue: Love that cover! Class...thy name is CRACKED!

Cracked #169: Free Khambatta With Every Issue!

2009-07-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

July 1980
by Pierre L.

We started with Star Trek and now they have returned. But, this time with 40 million 1979 dollars behind them. Ahhh...I went to see this in the theater with my family. There were about 10 of us. We sat in a row up near the back. I got very sleepy and don't think I understood what was going on. Just prior to that, my Uncle Rog had introduced me to another sci-fi show that I really found myself enjoying. Star Trek: The Motion Picture convinced me that the other show was better. That show was Doctor Who and, 29 years later, I haven't changed my mind.

POSTER: Yellow is the color of my P**! "FINE FOR LITTERING IN THIS AREA." In smaller letters: "Even Better To Litter Around The Corner."

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Something called "Famous Animal Celebrities". Oh boy, this should be great. "Betty Cantread, p.r.f. reddr"

LETTUCE FROM OUR READERS: Monsters crammed into a coffin! Great image. Monster Fraternities! I want to join one. The French Canadian Blob! Next issue - April 22nd.

STAR DREK: An 8 page journey through the movie. I haven't seen it since it came out but this parody almost makes me want to see it again. Admiral Quirk keeps hitting the wrong buttons on the revamped Enterprise. At one point, he flushes the john. Comedy!! There are some good jokes in here and I never really noticed its length. As always, CRACKED's love of bigger drawings and fewer word balloons makes these things flow along. I'm looking at it to see what jokes really grabbed me but it's all just rather pleasant. A good opener to the issue.

THE COMING MINI-AUTO AGE - THE 1984 DWARF DODGEM: It's a really tiny car with some really entertaining drawings. You can pick the car up in a traffic jam and walk away. You can park four in a parking spot. Traffic cops can stack a whole mess of them on top of each other and haul them away. You can drive your car under a truck to keep out of the rain. A U-Turn? No problem. Stand up and turn it around manually. Good stuff. It's a fun article. I think the best bit is how to bypass highway tolls. You inflate a balloon in the back of the car and float over!

CRACKED HANDBOOK OF RESTAURANT OWNERS: This one's only 4 pages but it's so text-heavy that it feels much longer. Lots and lots of text with a "humorous" picture underneath. Sometimes they're amusing but there's so much reading here...Something like the National Lampoon has a lot of text but it's genuinely funny. The more text in a CRACKED article, the more you see the limitations of the writers. Most of their gags are things I could have written in Second Grade with no problem. I'd like to go into more detail about some of the jokes but they're things like "Put in Narrow Chairs" and "Turn up The Air Conditioning!" and "Don't Open a restaurant next to the Unemployment Office!" I can't get up the strength. Too dense for CRACKED.

ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, THE VERY LAST OF THE CRACKED LENS: 4 pages and it a joy. Dracula and the Thing With two Heads. Wonderful.

CRACKED GOES TO A SKI MOUNTAIN: Oh, hell! This thing is back. Two pages of overcrowded drawings with jokes so old it hurts my sac. I've got a copy of these two pages hanging in front of me. Here are the prime gags:

"Have an accident?"
"No, thanks, I already had one!"

"Do you know this slope is very icy?"
"No, hum a few bars, and I'll fake it!"

"Did you see 'Downhill Racer' with Robert Redford?"
"No, I saw it with my brother!"

"I made a record-breaking jump yesterday. I landed on the lodge disco and broke three records!"

Notice how they all have exclamation points. I wonder if a subscription to CRACKED came with a free drum roll and rim shot record?

CRACKED PREDICTIONS FOR THE 1980's: Robot Westerns. Houses with "weather rooms"., There's a desert room and a snow room and a Tropical Rain Room. Discos will have anti-gravity. People will stop using oil. CRACKED will still be the funniest thing around. Maybe not everything here came true.

PHOTOON: Always good. A nice one-page gaggerista!

FAMOUS ANIMAL CELEBRITIES: Duck Van Dyke. Marlin Brando. Mike Walrus. Bull Bixby. Rabbit Redford. Elephant Gerald. Did I write this? At two pages, it's charming enough but these text-heavy bits are getting out of hand.

COLLEGE FOR PANHANDLERS: After having said that, this is the most text-heavy article I've ever seen. It takes the restaurant bit and one-ups it. In fact, it has the exact same structure. Lots of text and then an "..." at the end of the sentence that leads to the picture. Again, there's really nothing here that I want to go too in-depth on. Nothing really grabs me here. Sorry.

THE BILLY PLUCKETT STORY: A non-specific parody of uplifting sports films like Brian's Song. A little kid becomes a football hero and gets a bucket stuck on his head. It kind of goes on like this. It's breezy and it flows along but I'm not a fan of sports movies and so I'm not so juiced about this one. Let's keep movin'...

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE TREKKER KING: Nanny goes to see a very nerdy Star Trek fan. He dresses up like Kirk, makes his kids talk in Starfleet terms and has his wife shave her head. She stays with him because he's rich so everyone gets everything they deserve. They go to a Star trek convention. They argue over the terms "Trekker" and "Trekkie". Nanny gets beaten up for saying that the movie wasn't very good. It's harmless good fun with some of our greatest nerds. Huzzah!

SHUT-UPS

1 - 3/5 (A burning dog...A hot dog?)
2 - 4/4 (Circus!)
3 - 1/5 (Chess!)

Total - A Beautiful Mess of telling people to clam up their pieholes! (Is piehole one word or two?)

BACK COVER: THE SWORDSMAN - A one-pager that looks like it's from the late 50's. Fun art and the joke is OK.

This issue was a bit of a slog. Some definite good bits but...What the heck? Who's writing this now? Text-heavy material is not something CRACKED should do. It doesn't suit them. The writing style here is far too simplistic. There's no kick to anything. Please, fellas, let's go back to the visual breeze that you specialize in. Please?

Next issue: Now with Mork gone...we've got some new folks for the cover.

THOSE CRACKED MONSTERS!!!!

2009-07-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

February 1980
by Pierre L.

What? A grown man can't be in a monster mood?! C'mon!!! I decided it was time to review a Collectors' Edition. And, I decided that it must be monster-filled. One of my favorite covers. Stare at it, give it a good look. Boy, it's awesome. Look at the detail...You know what? The same drawing is at the center of this issue so we'll go into more exacts there. Suffice it to say, what a great cover! Yes, the UPC code is Pee Yellow as is the very top of the page but the rest of it is Haunted House green, brown & gray.

Note: I know that the majority of the bits in here appeared in previous issues. If I know where they're from, I'll tell you. If not, we'll let it ride. I'm not a historian. I'm a French Canadian Reviewer.

Oh, there is no poster here. The inside covers are ads. We'll skip 'em.

No Table of contents, either. There's a still of a person being strangled by vines and saying something droll. Above this is:

"We've Done It Again!
Huge and hairy...Gigantic and scaly...They lurk in the shadows, awaiting the unsuspecting VICTIM---that's you---and you're going to DIE LAUGHING at...

THOSE CRACKED MONSTERS"

Awesome. Let's step inside.

FFTD: An ad for Fiendish Florist Telephone Delivery. Send two pots of swamp roses in quicksand to a friend. It turns out the Old Witch, Dracula and Frankenstein & his bride all use this service. I'm going to give 'em a call. I just write "HAPPY NEW TOMB" on the card.

STAR PEOPLE WEEKLY & CREATURES & THINGS: From Issue #148. Here's my original write-up. "A tabloid for outer space! Hugh Hefner XII is on the cover with his outer-space Playboy Empire. And, the gals look real odd! Apparently, they just opened the first McDonalds on Uranus. How do the new Polaroids work? Pop the Polaroid Pill in your mouth. Focus on the subject. Tweak your nose. Finished photo pops out of your mouth. It's fun. This is an entertaining article that pops up in one of the SPECIALS in the next year or two. Look for it! Oddly enough, at five pages, this one could have been longer."

I would just add that, technically, sci-fi stuff like this does not actually constitute "Monsters". But, the article is still a good one.

THE MONSTERS LAUGH IT UP: Two pages of Cracked Lens stuff. This is a motif throughout the issue. Robots, giant ants, The Mad Monster and Godzilla vs. King Kong. The last one is Bela Lugosi whipping a hairy man and saying "...no son of mine is going to be a singer with a rock 'n' roll group!" You tell 'em, Bela. He should grow up to be a completely bat-ass bonkers mad scientist like you!

THE NIGHTMARES OF MONSTERS: This one looks familiar but it's not from an issue I've reviewed. Two pages of Dracula and the Wolfman and King Kong and The Sea Creature having nightmares. Dracula's wife tells him that she doesn't want him going out at night anymore. The Sea Creature watches men pollute his swamp. The Mole bursts through the sidewalk and gets hit by a skateboarder. The werewolf is recruited to be in a rock 'n' roll group. Hey! Maybe he's in that group with Bela's son.

HORRIBLE HUMOR: Three more pages of CRACKED LENS gaggery. (Page three is marked "More Horrible Humor".) My favorite? The Wolfman leaning on the Frankenstein Monster's shoulder and saying "No...I'm serious. Don't you think I'd look good with an "afro" haircut?" Wonderful.

BILL WARD'S CHILLER DILLERS: One page of one-panel cartoons that I know I've seen before. Pretty funny bits. A man going into a blood bank is made a better offer by Dracula. On a deserted clifftop road, a monster leans against the rock wall right on a hairpin curve. The center line comes around the curve and goes off the edge of the cliff. Someone is going to have a tough time driving tonight!

THE HOWLS ARE HERE!: CRACKED LENS explosion! Well, another page.

CRACKED PRESENTS: FUTURE INSECT MONSTER MOVIES: I know this one but I think it's from around #116. And, we're not there yet. Forward then back!! "Ever since the great box office success of the insect movie "The Hellstrom Chronicle"... Well, I didn't know what that movie was. I looked it up. It won the Academy Award for Best Documentary back in 1971-ish. Wow! Isn't that fairly highbrow for CRACKED? Regardless... Moth Men, Snail Men, Beetle Men (guess what famous rock group shows up here), Ant Men, Fire Fly Men...they're all here. And it's all pretty fun. The jokes are all day-old but some of the art is excellent. Worth a read. I'll try to find out when this originally appeared. (They mention "The Sting". Why wouldn't they?)

MONSTER LAUGHS: Another page of stills and yuks!!

QUICK QUIZ: Five stills from horror and sci-fi movies. Pick the title!

Sorry to ruin it...but here are the answers.

A) The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad
B) Tomb of Terror
C) Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
D) War of the Colossal Beast
E) Destination Inner Space

Some answers that are wrong include:
- The Attack of the 90-Foot Banana
- The Mummy Builds a Bandage Factory
- The Battle of The Wild Walters
- The Blob Sings the Song Hits of Petula Clark
- King Kong's Ding Dong School

MONSTER PARTY: Center spread. Two pages elongation of the cover but with one drawback: word balloons. Oh well. The jokes aren't great but the art sure is wonderful. The Creature from the Black Lagoon in the punch bowl. The Ghouls at the front door. The door off to the right with the crazy lady wearing the party hat. Notice: Behind her, there is another staircase. A staircase that looks like the main staircase. Where does that one go? Think of the crazy architecture. A house with another house attached? What floor is this party on? Is the house built on the side of a mountain?

Recently, I blabbed about how bland covers were getting for the Regular CRACKED issues. The main joke was fine but there's no background. The joy of this Monster Party is that there is so much to see. It's awesome. Look on and then we'll move on.

Number 43 May 1965 - that's where this first appears. On the cover...So long ago...

CHILLING CHUCKLES: Two more pages of photo yuks from the fellas at CRACKED!

THE EVIL EXPERIMENT: An OK one-pager with a wacky scientist and a wacky potion.

KILLER-DILLERS!: One more page of CRACKED LENSery!

THE GREATEST MONSTER BATTLE OF ALL TIME: Out on a blasted plain somewhere, the monsters brawl. I won't go into it myself. I'll let the caption writer take over:

"Here we are - ringside! The bell just sounded and the fight for the heavyweight title of Transylvania is on... The Blue Mess tosses a right claw to the chins of the Sea Glob...Hairy Harry lands a short fang to the pointed ear of the Creature From The Yellow Taxi Cab...Whatta fight, Whatta fight, fans!"

FIENDISH FOR FUN!: Two more pages of...you know.

THE BIG THINGS DO THEIR THING!: See above.

THE BIG ONES SCREAM AGAIN!: Three pages of...

GREAT SCENES FROM GREAT HORROR MOVIES: A two-pager parody of Son of Frankenstein.

CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE MONSTER KING: From #143 - "Ahhh, here's King Kong. (He appeared briefly in Rockey, too.) I was hoping he might have fallen from favor. Nope. Just getting sifted around in the magazine. Nanny visits the King in his giant Hollywood home. (I do mean 'giant'.) In the end, Nanny's charm causes King Kong to carry her away. She'll be back. I hope. Not really a hard-hitting interview but it was fun. King Kong has a big house! I must be in a good mood today if I let this constant "Kong Worship" just breeze by here. Oh well..."

MONSTER GREETING CARDS: Good stuff. Drawings of cards that monsters give each other. "A voice in the wilderness calls out...Happy Birthday, Ugly!" "To my Sweetheart, "Baby, I'm really "Ape" over you!" Yes, there is an ape on this one. "Congratulations! You Lucky Stiff!" You can guess that one. There's another great one with a gallows and a crazy man standing under the hangman's noose. He has "noose" for you. Loved it!

BACK COVER: The Stone Age -- A one-pager with smile attached!

Pure fun! Nothing too heavy in here. Sixteen pages of CRACKED LENS monsters make me giggle like a madman. This issue is a breeze. I get great joy from just sitting and flipping through it.

Hooray for Monsters!!!!